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[Pokémon] Zanas's Fired Red Nuzlocke

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
Edit: 05/12/13

Rules: First Pokemon seen in an area you catch. (i dont count this until after Oak has given me the Pokeballs.) (Shinys are the exception)
Second, if Pokemon faints it's dead and needs to be boxed for good.
Third, Nickname all Pokemon caught
Fourth' no items used on Pokemon that is on the field for a battle on used items with Pokemon that are returned.

Also,decided to post chapter links to dev art so this wouldn't be so hard to keep in control. thanks for putting up with my edits and Hope you enjoy the story.

 
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darkpokeball

Beware the Chainsaw Meowth 0.o
762
Posts
14
Years
Hello! I just read the prologue and it seems rather interesting so far. I have a few tips to make:
"Mommy get up, you shouldn't sleep on the chair like that." Catherin yawns and manages a smile as she picks up her little boy, wrapping him up in her arms and holding him up to shoulder length.
Put an 'E' after Catherine.
"Well young man you shouldn't be up this late anyway. But I appreciate your checking up on me." She kisses his forehead and runs her finger through his hair. Arceus he needs a haircut soon.
Add a comma before young and a comma after man.

There's a few other things, but I'm too lazy. Anyways, cool story so far! I'll read Chapter 1 when I have more time.
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
thanks for the crtis and ya that would have been alought better....ill def try to make that better. after all im ameteaur but thaks again. sorry it been a while since i been posting but there will be more!
 
10,174
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17
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  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
The title was what caught my eye with this. Do you mean to have that "d" at the end of "Fire"?

There are actually a lot of typos in this. Do you read over your chapters when you finish them before you post? That might catch a lot of the typos, along with having someone else look over it before posting to catch anything you might have missed. Fixing up the typos would make this easier to read because readers won't be stumbling over strange-looking words.

Another thing is that you tend to cram a lot of information into one or two sentences. Like here:
She's wearing the usual gear for any trainer; short's, an armband with a symbol of a PokeBall on the side, red all over with two arches on the top and bottom with a button like circle between them, easy to run in tennis shoes and an opened up silver jacket with a strapless black top snug under the zip up. He dark hair is tied into a ponytail the stretches down to a just past her shoulders.A finger length bundle of hair is died a crimson red and stretches from her scalp down along the rest of hair.
I had to read through this part several times to realize that not only are you listing what Catherine is wearing, but also describing what a Pokeball looks like and how she styles her hair. There are a few solutions to this. One thing is to interweave the description in with the action. Like, for a really quick example: "She pulled her silver jacket tighter around her. Despite the heat of the spectators, her strapless black top couldn't keep her warm on its own."

(I'd also say that I'm not sure if that's the typical gear of a trainer. Most tend to wear long pants, which are better suited for traveling. And not many trainers dye their hair or wear armbands.)

Another solution to that paragraph is to think about what's really necessary to tell the readers. For instance, right now I'd say that it's not really important to know what Catherine wore when she was younger. What would be important is the fact that Allin wears a fedora, so that when you mention that Zanas wears one as well, the reader can make a connection.

Onto Zanas as a character, I'm not sure how he feels about his ability to talk to Pokemon. He doesn't like people calling him a freak for it, but he doesn't really go out of his way to hide it. He's openly arguing with a Rattata in front of people, including someone he's never seen before. It's just weird that he doesn't try to hide it, since the ability could get him very unwanted attention.

Your story does have a different start to it other than a character waking up to be a trainer. There's just quite a few grammar issues to clean up. I'll wait for more chapters to see how you handle Zanas's journey.
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
Here be Chapter three

Gone but didn't forget
Spoiler:
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
ANOTHER!

Rules and Bloody Faces
Spoiler:
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
The title was what caught my eye with this. Do you mean to have that "d" at the end of "Fire"?

There are actually a lot of typos in this. Do you read over your chapters when you finish them before you post? That might catch a lot of the typos, along with having someone else look over it before posting to catch anything you might have missed. Fixing up the typos would make this easier to read because readers won't be stumbling over strange-looking words.

Another thing is that you tend to cram a lot of information into one or two sentences. Like here:
I had to read through this part several times to realize that not only are you listing what Catherine is wearing, but also describing what a Pokeball looks like and how she styles her hair. There are a few solutions to this. One thing is to interweave the description in with the action. Like, for a really quick example: "She pulled her silver jacket tighter around her. Despite the heat of the spectators, her strapless black top couldn't keep her warm on its own."

(I'd also say that I'm not sure if that's the typical gear of a trainer. Most tend to wear long pants, which are better suited for traveling. And not many trainers dye their hair or wear armbands.)

Another solution to that paragraph is to think about what's really necessary to tell the readers. For instance, right now I'd say that it's not really important to know what Catherine wore when she was younger. What would be important is the fact that Allin wears a fedora, so that when you mention that Zanas wears one as well, the reader can make a connection.

Onto Zanas as a character, I'm not sure how he feels about his ability to talk to Pokemon. He doesn't like people calling him a freak for it, but he doesn't really go out of his way to hide it. He's openly arguing with a Rattata in front of people, including someone he's never seen before. It's just weird that he doesn't try to hide it, since the ability could get him very unwanted attention.

Your story does have a different start to it other than a character waking up to be a trainer. There's just quite a few grammar issues to clean up. I'll wait for more chapters to see how you handle Zanas's journey.

yes i regularly have someone re read through my story and i definatly accept the criticism. The prologue i didn't have any look at but since then I have. i am if, anything a very novice writer which is why i wanna tell this story so that i can grow as one. as for the fire, no it wasnt but i kept it cause it sounded neat to me. as for describing the Pokeball i just kindsa blanked on doing so. The excuse is that everyone knows that it looks like but honestly i just didn't think of it. thanks again and i hope i keep your attention and entertainment. And for now yes he feels like a freak but he isnt about to change or hide this ability as it wouldnt do him any good. ill touch up on that fact later on though.
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
in all new chapter awaits

Encounters of the Random Kind
Spoiler:
 
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BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
have made a recent edit to the latest chapter to do continuity errors.
 
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BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
Bugging Out: Part 1
Spoiler:
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
Back for now but story may remain on Hiatus.


Chapter 6: Feels: Part 2
Spoiler:
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
edited: 5/13/13

Part one due to writers block

Chapter 7: Busted: Part 1
Spoiler:
 
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BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
And a New chapter is up! Please check the first post for the list of chapters

Here is the link anyway
Spoiler:


Geez I took a while for this one. I tried to do all sorts of different stuff but eventually I chose to cut the story at the part where Curlean City is mentioned. Don't worry you'll get filled in with the details shortly after the gym battle but after tackling the scene with the two talking for a month and making no progress I just decided to forsake that idea and move on.

So the next chapter? Battle! Battle! Battle!....o and i'll explain why Brock has...well eyes.
 

BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
Sorry this took so long to do guys and again sorry that he has to end on another tbc. Like i said before I only wanna have each addition be between 6-7 pages long or at least 5 so I gonna stop here and post another hopefully tomorrow. Soon my freinds.Soon the carnage will be done.

Also I added the beginning part as an addition to the last chapter, because my brain stopped having farts. I didn;t add it to the last part because I couldn't find a place for it so... ya. Enjoy Damnit!

Spoiler:
 
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BigO2233

Nuzlocke Champion
16
Posts
11
Years
recently been told not to link stuff in these sites and ill be more careful with remembering this rule in the future. gonna leave the links in the top as a chapter list but will post the stories from now on on here in full. sorry for the issues.
 
1
Posts
10
Years
  • Seen Jun 29, 2013
recently been told not to link stuff in these sites and ill be more careful with remembering this rule in the future. gonna leave the links in the top as a chapter list but will post the stories from now on on here in full. sorry for the issues.

Still searching for some stories.. When will you post them?
 
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