[MST] The Fall of Light

Author's Note: First episode of Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000. Content brought to you by Post Office Buddy. Humor brought to you by sleep deprivation. Have fun, guys!



[OPENING, INT OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: In the foreground is a long counter with large, colorful buttons on the left side. To the back are curved, metal walls laced with pipes, interrupted only by the yellow door in the center of the back wall and a chute right next to it. A television monitor hangs from the corner.

Xanthine slides in from stage right, accompanied by a floating ! Unown, Syntax. To the left comes a floating Combee, Andy. Xanthine looks a little disturbed.]

Syntax: So then—so then he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Xanthine: That's got to be the foulest, most inhumane thing I've ever—
Andy: Hey, guys! What's up?

[Xanthine glances in surprise towards Andy.]

Xanthine: Oh, hey, Andy! Syntax was just telling me a joke.
Andy: Really? I like jokes. What was it?
Syntax: Well, there's this family who go to this talent agent, and—

[Xanthine looks at the camera and waves frantically.]

Xanthine: Oh, hey! We're on! I guess you'll have to tell that joke later, Syntax.
Syntax: Aww, but—
Xanthine: [blatantly ignoring Syntax] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Satellite of Love. I'm one of two human crewmembers aboard for your viewing pleasure, and these are my friends Andy the Combee and Syntax the Unown.
Andy: Hi!
Syntax: Bow to your master.
Xanthine: The other crewmember who unfortunately won't be joining us for this episode because of a technical mishap that renders this ship unable to receive information and steer itself at the same time, therefore potentially plummeting us at several thousand miles per hour towards Earth's rocky surface, is Astinus. In fact, Satellite, if we can check in with her now…

[The TV above the counter flickers to life, revealing the image of a darker room. There's a mess of pipes and wires at the foot of large, boxy machines, and someone in a jumpsuit is half inside one of these in a way that only her lower half can be seen.]

Astinus: —erp in a mini-rocket hadn't knocked out the navigation systems because she's too incompetent to pilot a rocket, I'd—
Xanthine: Hi, Astinus! How's it going?
Astinus: If I get my hands on you, I'll kill you! And your dog! And your—
Intercom: Incoming fanfiction. Repeat. Incoming fanfiction.
Xanthine: Well, it was nice talking to you, Astinus, but it looks like the boys down in the Higher Staff remembered we're up here. I'll talk to you later.
Astinus: Don't you disconnect me!

[Xanthine hits a red button on the console to the side, and the TV screen goes blank. In an unseen slot in the counter, a paper pops up. Behind her, the door opens slowly as she reads.]

Xanthine: Oh, man, looks like this one's an interesting one, guys. It's called "The Fall of Light," and it's the exciting tale of a young boy just starting out on his trainer's journey alongside his black Charmander. He's eventually entwined in a plot involving a mystical prophecy in which his purpose is to save the world.
Andy: So… it's just like every other new trainer story out there?
Xanthine: [tosses the paper over her shoulder] Yeah, pretty much. Come on, guys!

[All three scramble for the door and enter a theater on the other side.]


Prologue

Entei jumped over a boulder wildly, trying to evade his pursuer, but to no avail. With every step the masked man gained on him, how Entei did not know.

Andy: He just wants a hug!

He was nearing the point of exhaustion, considering just giving up. The masked man's Pokemon seemed to be immune to any attacks Entei had tried, and the man himself demonstrated advanced psychic powers. Just a ball of psychic energy had left Entei shaken and weak. The only thing pushing him onward was pure adrenaline.

Xanthine: Also, the fear of being raped.
Syntax: Suicune told him to stay away from shady men. His last encounter with Eusine left him unable to sit down for a week.

Entei sidestepped a tree, ducked under a fallen sapling,

Syntax: Isn't Entei over six feet tall?
Andy: It was a rather large sapling.

and scaled a cliff, but no matter what the mysterious masked man gained. I should be faster than him, he thought. He is only human, after all. This encouraged Entei and gave him another burst of energy to speed up.

Andy: Some people drink coffee to give them a burst of speed. Entei drinks people's trampled dignity.

"You may as well give up," the man shouted. "You're only making it hard on yourself."

Xanthine: He's already turned on! Run, Entei!

This human isn't even winded! Entei thought. How can this be? I should be faster and stronger than any man alive!

"I'm giving you one more warning before I attack again," the man yelled. "You have ten seconds to stop running."

Maybe I can lose him in the volcano, Entei thought. I know I can survive the heat, but I doubt very much he can. So Entei shifted his direction towards the looming peak of the Mt. Ember. He climbed the mountain with every ounce of energy he could muster, running at breakneck speed. However, when he turned his head to see how much distance lay between them, he saw that the man was floating.

Syntax: [as the masked man] "Silly Entei. Don't you realize there's an elevator on the other side of this mountain?"

What in the world? Entei wondered to himself. Who is this man that he can chase me with no more energy than lifting a finger?

"Give up before I have to hurt you," the man yelled. "I don't want you injured when I capture you."

Xanthine: [creepily, as the man] "I want you nice and pretty."

Capture this,

Xanthine: And then it flipped him off.
Andy: Entei's a disgruntled driver with road rage?
Xanthine: From New York.

Entei thought to himself,

Syntax: As opposed to thinking to other people?

leaping onto the peak of the volcano and running across toward the crater. He halted to a stop at the crater, however, unable to believe his eyes. This isn't possible, He thought. There's no way this can be happening. Standing in front of him was Moltres, one of the legendary bird Pokemon of the Kanto region.

Entei knew all about the bird Pokemon.

Andy: It filed a restraining order for stalking him earlier that year.

They were supposed to live peacefully in the islands of thunder, ice, and fire.

Andy: …Aren't those in the Orange Islands and not Kanto?

What is Moltres doing here? He wondered. Did someone drive him out? Or is there an imbalance in nature that baited him out?

Xanthine: Well, for one, there's that man back there who wants to rape you.

He was unable to ask Moltres this, however, because the man suddenly appeared over the edge of the crater, a pleased look dominating his face.

Syntax: [as the man] "Hello, little boy. I've got candy."

His eyes burned with sadistic joy at the sight of Moltres and Entei side by side.

Syntax: He wanted nothing more than to take those two pokémon into his white, unmarked van.

His mouth curled into a grin and his sharp teeth were bared at the legendary Pokemon.

Andy: Aww, isn't that cute? He thinks he's a growlithe.
Syntax: That happened to me once. I woke up the next morning in Mexico.

Entei shot the man a look of disgust and contempt, but the man did not seem fazed.

Andy: Because Entei have only one look. The "I wish I could kill you" look.

"Ah, how very fortunate. Just the Pokemon I was going to search for next. I must thank you, Entei; I never expected this,"

Syntax: [as the man] "This is the best Christmas ever!"

the masked man mused. "How very fortunate that you should join us, Moltres."

Xanthine: [as the man] "…For dinner and a nice rape."

The masked man's evil smile only widened when he said this,

Andy: Just in case you didn't catch the fact that this man is evil, we're going to make it even more obvious!

as Moltres and Entei returned an annoyed stare mixed with rage and hatred.

Syntax: Rage and hatred. As opposed to, say, rage and "I really don't mind you but want to kill you anyway."

the masked man only laughed in response. "So you wish to defy me still? So be it."

Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,

Syntax: But… wait! Don't the italics mean he's thinking? So… he's thinking aloud?
Xanthine: Of course. This is the "thinking to other people" example you were wanting earlier.
Syntax: Ohh!

exasperated by the masked man's gloating. We can't afford to be caught by this man. Who knows what atrocities he will force us to commit once we are under his will?

Andy: He may dress us up in maid's costumes and have us make love to one another! Have you seen what people like him put on the internet?!
Syntax: So you're who's been looking through my favorites folder.

Okay, the combined power of our fire

Xanthine: By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!

shall send this human into submission.

You appear injured, Entei. I shall heal you with some of my restorative fire, Moltres said.

Andy: It's not just fire. It's restorative fire. The extra adjective makes it more special!

In that instant Moltres expelled a stream of fire from its beak onto Entei. It swirled around Entei for a few seconds, enveloping his body with its rejuvenating flames. The fire dissipated and Entei instantly felt revitalized. He now had his strength and stamina back.

Syntax: It's like Viagra in flaming form!

Thank you, Moltres. Now we shall end this humans terror once and for all! Entei cheered.

Xanthine: With pom-poms.

He looked at Moltres with a new sense of reverence, as if healing him had made the Moltres holy in a way.

Xanthine: Because, you know, being essentially the guardian and god of a force of nature doesn't quite make you holy enough.

An implied connection occurred between them at that moment; if either of them needed anything, no matter how big or small, the other would be there to help no matter the cost.

Syntax: Not just any kind of connection. It was an implied connection of companionship.
Andy: Oh my.
Xanthine: You know, guys, "subtext" is just an anagram of "buttsex"!

"Nice little trick there, Moltres, but it is all for naught. Soon you will belong to me!" the man crowed with anticipation.

Andy: For goodness sake, Evil Overlord Rule #6: "Don't gloat over your enemies' predicament before killing them!" How many James Bond movies does it take for people to figure this out?!

"How can you possibly think that you can defeat someone as powerful as I?

Andy: Well, according to the usual cliché, quite easily. By walking out during your monologue.

Or maybe I need to show you why I am unstoppable!" That said, the man threw off his mask glaring at Entei and Moltres with large eyes full of hate and rage.

Syntax: That's one scary mask.

Entei stared at the face a split second before he realized who it was that faced him.

Xanthine: Ahhahaha. The face is facing him. Oh, what clever puns.

His curiosity turned to sheer terror in less than a second. Before Entei could react, the man summoned a ball of dark energy in the palm of his hand and thrust it at Entei with enough force to send a semi flying.

Andy: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen semi?

Entei instantly fainted, but was held in place by some power. Moltres, too, fell beside his comrade after the man threw another ball of energy at him. The man pulled out two Pokeballs seemingly from thin air

Xanthine: It took several trips to the ER before he finally learned how to properly hide Poké Balls in such a tight orifice.

and tossed them towards the two limp figures. He tossed his head back and laughed as the Pokeballs shook for the last time before remaining still. His laugh echoed down the mountainside and into the village sitting at the base of the mountain, where civilians heard it and shuddered at the tortured sound of the man's hysterical laughter.

Syntax: How do you get a laugh to sound tortured? Whip yourself?
Xanthine: Ask an emo kid. They do everything tortured.

He laughed for a long time before finally calming down.

Andy: [as the man] "Oh, man, that was a kneeslapper. Woo!"

"Two down, eight to go," the man muttered to himself while retrieving his Pokeballs.

Twenty miles away, a young boy awoke in a cold sweat, jolted awake by nightmares of a man with no face and extraordinary powers.

Xanthine: The man stopped by his bedroom before going off to molest Entei.

Chapter One: Our Hero

It was a chilly fall morning. Jeff was just getting up from bed, groggy from his recently interrupted sleep. He had been having strange dreams lately, ones that made no sense to him.

Andy: [as Jeff] "Mom! I dreamt a creepy, faceless guy came into my room last night!"
Xanthine: Wait. We're watching Twilight?

Something about a man with a mask chasing him. Cornering him. Revealing his horrifying face. Knocking him out.

Andy: He was just that ugly.

He never remembered what the man's face looked like, he only remembered that it scared him half to death.

Syntax: So it looked like Dick Cheney in drag?

Jeff sat up, exhausted. His alarm clock beside his bed displayed a flashing 12:00 over and over. 'Great,' he thought. 'The power must have gone out last night.' Power failures had been common recently. Something seemed to be interfering with the flow of electricity in the area. What was causing such a problem was beyond the explanation of any specialist.

Syntax: Well, the beautician's convention was in town. So many hairdryers.
Andy: It was horrible!

At first leading scientists in the region thought that an increase in the population of Magnemites could have caused the recent power failures, but upon closer inspection of the surrounding area they determined that the Magnemite population had actually decreased. Electricians had tested every power line in the area, but none seemed to be faulty. It simply could not be explained.

Xanthine: So, then they called in Al Gore, who determined it was global warming.

Strange things had been happening throughout the world since the first of March. Ice storms in tropical regions, thunderstorms in wintry places, and entire populations of cities passing out from agonizing headaches. No causes had been announced in the two weeks since the odd occurrences began, and scientists were no closer to discovering a hypothesis.

Syntax: They were so stumped the fact that they were stumped had to be reiterated over and over again!

Jeff was sitting on his bed, thinking about these strange phenomena, when a cry of excitement was let loose outside.

Xanthine: [as Jeff] "Mom! Put your clothes back on!"

He jumped up as fast as he could and ran outside. He skidded to a halt when he saw his neighbor, Katy glance towards him. He blushed uncontrollably and tried to shrink away so she would not notice that he had come outside wearing nothing but boxers. She did not seem to notice, however, and continued to stare into the sky.

Syntax: So… she glanced at him but kept on staring at the sky?
Andy: The part of Jeff will be played by a Pidgey.
Xanthine: No doubt there's absolutely no difference in intelligence there.
Andy: Hey now! Don't insult the Pidgey!

Jeff looked skywards and instantly forgot his nakedness.

Andy: Jeff is easily distracted by shiny objects.

Circling above them were two large birds of strange shapes.

Syntax: Circles!

They seemed to be fighting each other, dodging special attacks

Andy: Every attack is special in its own special way.

and colliding occasionally. Jeff gaped in astonishment while the two large birds fought.

"Not everyday that you see something like this, huh?" Jeff heard beside him. He glanced over and saw that the voice came from Professor Drake, his teacher and friend. "Pretty awesome sight, to tell the truth."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "But not as awesome as the sight of your underwear. Unicorns. Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, what are those things?" Jeff asked.

"If I am not mistaken, those are the fabled Articuno and Zapdos. As far as I knew they hadn't left their home in the Sevii Islands.

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except for those times when they weren't. You know. Like in every other form of canon except this one."

Something must have flushed them out," the professor said.

"What could possibly have done so?" Jeff asked in awe.

"Another super powerful Pokemon

Andy: It's also special in its own special way.

that hasn't ever been seen or heard of, or some natural disturbance. I cannot know for sure. But I do know one thing: Zapdos must have caused the power outages," the professor reasoned.

Andy: [as Professor Drake] "There couldn't possibly be any other explanation! Not even human error!"

"Yeah, I can see how," Jeff replied. "The size of the bolts of lightning that... Zapdos...

Syntax: [as Jeff] "Its name is so sensual… I'm almost breathless… speaking it."

is creating are enormous!"

"Yes, they are," the professor said gloomily. "If I am correct, it also carries a dangerously high static charge with it at all times. The static would be strong enough to knock out power for several miles.

Andy: This theory is scientifically sound!

I doubt very much that we are the only affected town."

"What can we do about this?" Jeff asked, his eyes wide with apprehension.

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "You can put on pants, for Arceus' sake!"

"Nothing," Professor Drake replied. "None of the Pokemon on this island are strong enough to face those Pokemon.

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except yours, for you are the obligatory Chosen One."

We'll just have to let them fight it out."

At that moment a bolt of lightning erupted from the heavens and struck the ground thirty feet away from Jeff. Jeff was hit by the shock wave and thrown five feet back.

Syntax: And then he died. The end!
Andy and Xanthine: Yay.

He hit the ground in a confused daze, unable to think or move. The wind was knocked out of his lungs when he crashed into the ground and he blacked out for a few moments.

Xanthine: Professor Drake had to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Syntax: It would be the first time Jeff had ever gotten to first base.

The next thing he knew Katy was kneeling by his side, concern evident in her face.

Andy: [as Katy] "Oh nuts. You're still alive."

"Are you okay?" Katy asked when it was clear that he was conscious.

"I... I don't know. I feel like I was hit by a train," Jeff replied. "I don't know if I can get up."

"Here, I'll help you up," Katy said. She looked very worried. Jeff noticed that she had a few small cuts on her usually flawless face.

Xanthine: Wow. It didn't take long at all for Mary Sue to be introduced.

He felt a feeling of worry and regretted being unable to protect her.

Syntax: [as Jeff] "Now she'll never agree to go with me to the junior prom!"

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're bleeding a little bit."

"I'm better off than you are. Here, grab my hand and I'll help you up," Katy said. Jeff grasped her hand and was able to stand up. Bad day for boxers, he thought. At least it's dark out.

Syntax: Bow chicka bow-wow!

"I think I can get to my house now," Jeff said. "Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. Go get those cuts checked out, they could get infected if you're not careful."

"You're so sweet," She replied. "Take it easy. Don't push yourself too hard. You took quite a nasty hit."

Xanthine: [as Katy] "I'm turned on by boys who nearly get killed."

They walked their separate ways, Jeff walking carefully to his house and Katy covering her face with a cloth she borrowed from a neighbor. His door burst open as he approached it and his mother came running out.

Andy: She was also in her underwear.

"I saw what happened. Are you okay?" she asked in worry. Her eyes were wide with fear as she surveyed the damage done to her only son.

Andy: [as Jeff's mother] "Don't worry, honey. We'll afford the plastic surgery somehow!"

"Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I feel like I just got hit by a bus right now though," Jeff replied. His eyes were half closed with exhaustion and he felt the urge to just lay down and sleep right there.

"Then get inside and rest up. I want you to feel well by tomorrow," his mom said. She began to turn but was stopped by Jeff's questioning gaze.

Syntax: [as Jeff] "Mom, why are you not wearing any pants either?"

"What are we doing tomorrow?" Jeff asked quizzically.

Syntax: In case you haven't noticed that he's asking a question, we're going to make that question sound extra… questionable.

He searched his mother's face for any betraying expressions, but her face revealed nothing but worry. Disappointed, he waited for her answer.

"No need to go into detail," she finally said after a moments hesitation. "I'll explain everything tomorrow when you should feel better. Just come in and go to bed." She looked at the sky worriedly, as if she were afraid of something.

Andy: The wrath of God.

The two bird Pokemon had disappeared, however, perhaps taking their fight somewhere else.

"I don't think we have to worry about them hurting anyone else," Jeff said. "They seem to be gone now."

"That's not what I'm worried about," she said so softly that Jeff barely heard her. He thought about pursuing the matter, but decided that she wasn't going to reveal any details until the next day.

I wonder what she's so worried about, Jeff thought. Must be something important. He tiredly made his way to his room, groping about in the darkness.

Xanthine: He was thereafter arrested for sexual harassment.

He followed the wall and finally reached his room, collapsing on his bed instantly, breathing heavily with exhaustion and exertion.

Xanthine: The abundance of choppy narration made him tired.
Syntax: As did the sex. Breathing heavily with exhaustion, you say?

First thing in the morning I'm going to have my mom explain what's going on. But for now I need to sleep. And with that he drifted off into sleep to dream about the masked man and the terror he elicited in his victims.

Syntax: It was a very pleasant dream.

Chapter Two: The Lab
Entei awoke, groggy and weak. He had barely enough energy to open his eyes to survey his surroundings. The light blinded him at first, but as time went on he became accustomed to the glare. He slowly turned his head. He was lying on a table, strapped with some material unfamiliar to him.

Andy: This doesn't look like Disney World!

The walls, floor and ceiling of the room were

Xanthine: Bleeding.

white, and a single man stood in the middle of the room. He wore a white lab coat and a surgical mask.

Entei cringed for a moment at the idea of this man being his abductor, but he felt a different aura about this man. He had a kinder, yet still evil, aura flowing about him.

Andy: It's the fluffy bunny variety of evil overlord!

The man glanced at Entei and, noticing that he had awoken, walked over to him.

"It's good to see that you are up," the man said. "We had thought for a moment that you would die from the attack my master unleashed upon you.

Andy: [as the assistant] "I should know. I'm the third doctor he's had. We don't talk about the other two."

Very few Pokemon have survived such a powerful blow. Consider yourself lucky." Entei stared at the man with a look of contempt.

"Jackson, has the specimen awoken?" came a powerful voice from the door. The voice itself was icy and chilled Entei's soul. He visibly shivered at the sound of the words, as did the man before him.

"Yes, it has awoken. Shall we begin testing?" Jackson asked.

"Let me see it first," the man said. The man approached Entei slowly, as if carefully deciding where to place his foot

Xanthine: And other key body parts.

with each step. Entei could sense the evil flowing through the man.

Andy and Xanthine: [glance towards Syntax]
Syntax: …Too easy.

It was as if the man were a reservoir of evil,

Syntax: As if he had an evil cream filling.
Xanthine: As if he was chock full o' evil.
Syntax: As if he was now 30% more evil than other brands.
Xanthine: As if he was made with all-natural evil ingredients.
Andy: As if he was an evil turkey stuffed with evil stuffing!
[beat of silence]
Xanthine: Dude.
Syntax: You cannot do metaphor. At all.
Andy: I'm sorry!
Syntax: No, don't apologize. That was… bad.
Andy: [sniffling] I just wanted to fit in!

absorbing the hate and anger around him to fuel his own power. Entei grew more fearful with every step the man took.

Andy: It was partly because the man had no pants.

"Hmm, not nearly as impressive as I thought it would be," the man said. "It seems weak from my attack on it. Maybe when it recovers it will be much more worthy of my attention. I suppose even if it doesn't meet up to my expectations at that time then I could make an attempt to strengthen it."

"Very good idea, master," Jackson said.

Syntax: [as Jackson] "Do I get a cookie?"

What do you want with me? Entei thought, as he was sure the man would be able to hear him. This man obviously possessed great psychic abilities and may have been probing his mind the entire time, searching for clues of Entei's true power.

Andy: Other than the ability to control fire to a godly degree?

Frightened by this thought, Entei closed his mind to the best of his abilities.

"Jackson, could you leave the room for a moment?" the man asked forcefully. Jackson shivered in response.

Xanthine: He knew he'd be raped later on.

"Why yes, master, anything you wish," Jackson replied, backing out of the room quickly. When Jackson was gone, the man turned to Entei.

"You surprise me, Entei," the man said. "You are much more intelligent than I first thought.

Andy: [as the man] "Which is surprising because I thought you legendary Pokémon, who wield godly powers, were actually all stupid."

I applaud you for concluding that my psychic abilities allow me to hear thoughts. To answer your question, I need you."

Xanthine: [as the man] "I also want you."

What do you need me for? Entei asked.

"I have a plan to make this world better," the man replied. "Do you not grow weary of trainers set upon catching what they believe to be one of a kind Pokemon?"

Syntax: [as Entei] "Actually, they taste rather crunchy."

Yes, of course, Entei said. What does that have to do with it? I doubt you care very much. After all, you did hunt me down and capture me. I don't see how you're sympathetic.

"What you have failed to notice is that I am a one of a kind Pokemon," the man said. "There are plenty of Entei's in the world,

Syntax: Entei owns what now?

as well as every other "legendary" Pokemon. There just happens to be very few in this area. Most others of your kind live in an island community in perfect harmony with other supposed legendaries.

Syntax: [as the man] "It's a nudist colony."

Well, at least they did." A sick smile appeared on the masked man's face as he said this. "I'm afraid that recent events have severely limited the number of your kind and others in the world. As of now you and Moltres are the only Pokemon that have survived my attack."

Xanthine: So, wait. He's out to get Entei's help, so he kills off every other Entei in this colony full of peaceful legendaries?
Andy: He's got an evil cream filling. Did you expect him to make sense?
Xanthine: Point.

You claim to be a Pokemon, yet you appear to be a human, Entei asked. I cannot see how you are a Pokemon at all.

Andy: [as Entei] "Of course, I'm ignoring all Jynx ever."

"Obviously with my psychic powers I can conjure an illusion around me to throw off the suspicions of humans. When I hunted you, however, I did not bother to hide my true identity. Do you remember what you last saw before you blacked out? Or did my small attack do severe damage to your memory as well?" the man asked, chuckling to himself.

I don't remember, Entei answered after a minute of strained thinking.

Andy: It really did take a lot of effort on his part.

"Think harder, Entei," the man said.

Syntax: [as the man] "Harder, Entei! Harder!"

I told you, I can't remember, Entei snapped. However, there's something familiar in your voice. I think I have heard it somewhere. But where?

"It's not that hard, Entei," the man mused. "There are precious few Pokemon that have the ability to speak, and even less of those can match my power. Only one Pokemon in the world has withstood my attacks and lived. So, can you guess?"

Wait... You're... You're Mewtwo! Entei said, suddenly even more terrified than before.

"Heh, it's about time you figured it out," Mewtwo replied, letting the illusion disappear and revealing his true form to Entei. "Maybe you're less competent than I thought."

Xanthine: Does anyone in this fanfiction meet people's intellectual expectations?
Andy: Kid running outside in boxers, town full of people who don't seem to notice, shoddy scientific theories, illogical villainous motivations… Nope. Not really.

I thought you went underground! Entei exclaimed. No one has seen nor heard of you since you fought Mew!

"I did for a while, but now I am back," Mewtwo replied. "A trainer found me and engaged me in battle. His Pokemon were trained to the extreme. I had never fought such a difficult batlte. Unfortunately, I was forced to kill the trainer in the end. I could not risk being caught by some trainer and forced to submit to their will." Mewtwo said all of this with no sign of emotion; no remorse or pity whatsoever.

Xanthine: Let's ignore the fact that Mewtwo is a broody, ultimately philosophical creature who hasn't actually wanted to kill or fight since Mewtwo Returns.
Syntax: Who needs accurate characterization when you can have gooey evil filling?

Entei was sickened by the heartlessness Mewtwo portrayed.

All: So are we.

He had never thought anything could be so evil.

So you want to take your rage out on the humans? Entei asked. Why involve Moltres and I in this?

Syntax: [as Mewtwo] "I think humans are tasty when well-done."

"Oh, it won't only be you. Soon every other so-called legendary Pokemon will join you here. And when that happens... You'll just have to see. Why spoil the fun?" Mewtwo said.

What? What are you going to do? Entei asked.

Xanthine: Legendary orgy!

"I'm not going to ruin the surprise just now. I want you to be shocked when I reveal my grand plan," Mewtwo said, an evil glint in his eye.

Syntax: [as a very flamboyant Mewtwo] "Oh darn. I've got body glitter in my eye again! Darling, do you mind getting it out for me?"

What happens now? Entei asked worriedly. Mewtwo seemed to get colder and colder by the minute. Entei was concerned that he could be set off at any moment and wouldn't hesitate to end Entei's life right there. He had already done this to a trainer, a human,

Andy: And Pokémon are definitely just as soft and easily breakable as the entirety of the human race.
Xanthine: Hey!

which violated the unwritten law of Pokemon: no matter how powerful the trainer or hopeless the battle, Pokemon were not to attack the trainer under any circumstance.

Xanthine: Do wild Pokémon actually follow "unwritten laws"?
Syntax: Put it this way. The only thing stopping me from Hidden Powering your face in is the fact that you feed me.
Xanthine: And Andy?
Syntax: He fights like a six-year-old girl.
Andy: Hey!!

It was a code of honor kind of thing. If caught, the offending Pokemon was usually the target of a dozen or so angry Pokemon determined to seek justice. Needless to say, very few attacks on trainers had ever occurred.

"Right now?" Mewtwo asked. "I suggest you get some rest. I'm personally overseeing your training, and don't think that I won't run you to the ground just because I need you. If I find that you aren't working hard enough, I may feel inclined to just kill you and find some other Entei that isn't dead yet."

When do I begin this training? Entei asked. He shook with the weight of Mewtwo's words. It seemed that he would get no mercy just because he fit into Mewtwo's master plan.

"Tomorrow. I will wake you up at six in the morning and we will train until five in the evening.

Syntax: After that, we rest. Together. Naked.

Until then, sleep..." and with that Mewtwo disappeared. Entei felt a new sense of dread along with a wave of nausea rolling through his body. He felt physically ill and wished that it were only a sick, twisted nightmare.

All: So do we.

But he knew that this it wasn't a simple bad dream,

All: We know.

and that there would be no waking up.

I'm trapped in this alone, Entei thought bitterly. There's no one in this world who can help me escape. Wait! Moltres is still here! If I can find him, we can plan an escape together. Maybe we have a chance at being free!

Xanthine: Because the power of one godly Pokémon just isn't enough here.

Excitement gripped at Entei while he thought about his newfound hope. We have to get out of here and warn someone out in the real world what is going on here.

Andy: Huh? Isn't that the real world?
Syntax: No, no. It's the Digital World.
Andy: Ohh!

I just need to find Moltres...

Chapter Three: The Journey Begins

Syntax: But the horror continues!

Jeff awoke to the sound of hushed voices somewhere outside of his door. He strained his ears but could barely decipher what the voices were saying. He caught bits and pieces, like "I never imagined this" and "our only hope",

Andy: Princess Leia was just outside.

but nothing particularly telling. He sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes, gazing into the dark.

The moonlight illuminated part of his room, revealing his computer complete with an

Syntax: Extensive pornography collection.

item transfer accessory, his many Pokemon posters hanging on his wall, a bookshelf containing dozens of books about Pokemon, and a clock above his T.V. featuring a Charmander in the background.

Syntax: The TV has a Charmander in the background? Fancy!

He had loved that clock since the day he had received it anonymously by mail,

Andy: He was going to marry that clock someday.

by some man from the mainland he had never met. The man must have known some things about him, however, as Charmander was his favorite Pokemon.

Xanthine: So, that's the shady man in his dreams and the man from the mainland. How many stalkers does this kid have?

He had asked his mom if she knew who it was, but she averted her eyes and said it was just an old acquaintance. Jeff suspected the man was his real father.

Xanthine: Actually, he was just his mother's old pimp.

He squinted in an attempt to determine what time it was, but to no avail. He finally gave up trying to squint and staggered to his clock, half in pain

Syntax: This story's so boring even the characters are in pain from being in it.

and half in exhaustion. He could finally read the time when he was within five feet of it. It was four forty-seven AM. Sighing, he glanced at his bed, wishing he could indulge in the comfort of it for a little while longer, but his curiosity about the voices got the better of him, so he neglected his bed.

Andy: There's medication for that.

Suddenly, as he was turning around, his back and leg muscles exploded in agony.

Andy: I told you TNT can't be used as Gatorade!

Unable to stand the pain, he fell to the floor and waited it out. The pain finally subsided after several minutes of whimpering and he was able to stand again. Grimacing, he rose to his feet.

Xanthine: Shouldn't you be crippled?

He staggered to the door, holding on to the wall as he forced his body to move. He opened the door quietly and slowly slipped out of his room. As he made his way to the living room, he could hear his mom talking to Professor Drake. Once he was in plain sight, the thought occurred to him that they may not want him to hear them. However, before he could hide behind something, his mom glanced up and saw him.

Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother] "Honey, go back to bed. You're starting ninja school tomorrow."
Syntax: [as Jeff] "But Ma!"

They immediately stopped talking and waited for him to join them.

Syntax: [as Jeff's mother] "Honey, we were just talking about you behind your back! Come over here so I can tell you you're adopted!"

Jeff slowly walked over to them and sat on the couch, savoring the sudden comfort relieving him from his pain. He shifted his gaze from his mom to the professor and sat silently for a moment. He realized that they were waiting for him to speak, so he said, "what's going on?"

The professor was the first to answer. His voice sounded raspy and dry, but he was making an obvious effort to hide the fear in his voice. "You see, recent events have indicated that an imbalance has occurred somewhere in the world. I mean, it's not everyday that you see two legendary bird Pokemon fighting each other in the sky, especially in an area like this."

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Tokyo, on the other hand…"

"Very few things could have caused something like this to happen," Jeff's mom continued. "The peace of the legendary bird Pokemon depends upon a delicate coexistence between the three elements: fire, lightning, and ice. Something must have happened to upset this balance."

Andy: Anakin Skywalker.

"It's very possible that Moltres may have moved to another region, like Johto or Hoenn," Professor Drake said. "Legendary Pokemon are known for their habits of relocating themselves whenever they decide their territory is becoming compromised by trainers. Another possibility is that it has died, in which case chaos will ensue until the remaining birds are caught or another Moltres emerges."

Xanthine: Hey, does anyone remember the plot of Pokémon 2000, when all three birds were caught, and chaos still ensued?
Andy: Silly Xanthine and your attempts to make this story agree with canon.

"The most likely thing that happened, though," Jeff's mom said." Is that someone managed to capture Moltres.

Andy: Isn't it convenient that she managed to guess exactly what happened?
Syntax: [as Jeff's mother] "Why, yes, I do have psychic powers."

They could have either been simply lucky in finding it and wanted it all to themselves or the perpetrator premeditated the capture, knowing full well what would happen if Moltres were caught. Whether or not they meant to cause the battles between Articuno and Zapdos is unknown, but this is the most plausible explanation we have."

Andy: Yet another sound theory!
Syntax: What? Pokémon fighting each other for no apparent reason? Unheard of!

"Why are you telling me this?" Jeff asked. "I'm just a kid. I don't even have a Pokemon yet, nor am I capable of fixing this mess."

Syntax: [as Jeff] "However, I am able to say uncanny things that will eventually come true anyway."

"You're right. You are just a kid, and you don't have a Pokemon. Well, not yet at least," Professor Drake said.

Andy: Well, that's not ominous.

"The professor and I have been discussing this matter intently for the past three hours and have decided that it is time that you get your first Pokemon. When you feel ready you will go with the professor to his lab and pick one of the Pokemon he keeps there," his mom said.

Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother] "That's right. You'll be depriving a lonely man out of what little company he has."

"What am I supposed to do? I don't even understand what's going on," Jeff said.

Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother] "Do you want me to explain it again?"
Syntax and Andy: No!

"I've never left the island! Hell, I've never even left our small town!

Syntax: That's right, kid. Curse in front of your mother like a good preteen.

How do you expect me to do this? There are plenty of kids in our town that could do it better than I." Jeff's breathing became heavier throughout the outburst, and he was panting when he finished.

Syntax: That's because this moment is the second most exciting one of his life. The first was seeing Princess Leia in her slave bikini for the first time.

His mother gazed at him with a worried expression on her face, as if saying I know what you're going through.

Andy: [as Jeff's mother] "I was the one who wrote the prophecy that would eventually end with you sacrificing yourself to save the world."
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Yeah? Well, I wish I was adopted, so there!"

"We need you to solve this mystery. Professor Drake, the excellent trainer that he is,

Xanthine: What is this? Island of the Sues?

is simply too old to journey to the Kanto mainland and unravel this tangled web of mystery.

Syntax: Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Tangled, like the plot is supposed to be, I guess.

I would go in your place, but my Pokemon are needed here to protect the island from another battle, if one should occur.

Andy: Just like they were protecting the island when Zapdos and Articuno decided to have a climactic battle over it?

My health... isn't what it used to be either.

Syntax: That's what you get when you sleep around with the sailors.

That leaves you," his mom explained.

Xanthine: Never mind anyone else on the island.

"How will I do this?" Jeff asked, almost whispering. He could feel the terror growing in him. He began sweating profusely while contemplating the weight that was suddenly placed upon his unready shoulders. His mother's sad smile did nothing to alleviate the tension growing within him either. He just felt even more pressure build up.

Syntax: [as Jeff's mother] "Jeff! Stop imagining Princess Leia in her slave bikini! You've got more important things to worry about!"
Andy: [as Jeff] "But Mom…!"

"I don't see how you can pin this all on me."

Syntax: [as Jeff's mother] "Oh, honey, it's all very simple. You see, you're what we call 'expendable'…"

"You'll do just fine. I taught you everything I know about Pokemon, which is no small amount by any means,

Andy: [as Jeff's mother] "I taught you how to fight. …Which I clearly did not do while protecting this island from Articuno and Zapdos, even though it's my duty to do so."

and you are my son.

Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother, in a deep voice] "And the one true king."
Andy and Syntax: [singing] The Ciiiircle of Liiife! It moooves us aaaaall!

You can do anything you set your mind to. All you need to do is believe,"

Andy and Syntax: [singing] There can be miracles when you beeelieeeve!
Xanthine: Guys, if you're going to keep turning this fic into a musical number, I may have to shoot one of you.

His mother said confidently, although her calm voice betrayed a tone of fear and... remorse.

Xanthine: Antici… pation!
Andy and Syntax: [singing in high-pitched voices] Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I wanna be diiiirrrty!
Xanthine: That's it. [fiddles with something unseen that booms and begins to hum ominously]
Andy: [quickly] We're done!
Syntax: Promise! Not in the face!

Jeff tried to ignore her tone, but nonetheless was frightened. If his mother, a world renowned Pokemon trainer,

Andy: One who can efficiently protect her island from Articuno and Zapdos.

was scared of everything that was going on, Jeff felt that he should be crying in fear, curled up into a ball in some desolate corner of his basement to escape the harsh reality of the world.

Xanthine: He settled for soiling his underwear.

Things were changing much faster than he liked.

Syntax: He was growing hair in places where there hadn't been hair before!

The fact of his young age seemed obscure in the events that were unfolding. I can do nothing to get out of this, Jeff realized.

"We also have reason to believe that you are... The Chosen One,"

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "And by 'The Chosen One,' we mean 'The Sacrificial Lamb.'"

the professor said hesitantly. His voice faltered near the end of that ominous statement. His eyes, too, seemed to avoid contact with Jeff's. A sad look befell both his mother's and Professor Drake's faces, as if they knew more. Jeff wasn't sure what the professor meant by him being The Chosen One, but he wasn't comfortable with the way the professor said that, and certainly wasn't comfortable with the way his mother twitched at the sound of those ill-fated words. He almost thought he saw a tear form in her eye, but in the blink of an eye it disappeared.

"The Chosen One?" Jeff asked finally. His voice shook uncontrollably, revealing his own fear and uncertainty. His eyes darted left and right in a nervous fit, unable to focus on any one thing.

Andy: There's medication for that too.
Xanthine: Ritalin?

He could feel the panic rising. He tried to suppress it, but was barely successful from doing so. He feared that the stress alone would kill him. I never did take stress well... he thought.

Andy: [as Jeff] "I never did get the hang of Thursdays."

"Yes," his mom said, shooting Professor Drake a sharp look. She apparently didn't want him to know this yet. Not that it really mattered.

"The ancient texts say When the Winged Gods fly no more, a Chosen One will reverse the fall of light. The texts say more, but damage has prevented us from translating any more than a few descriptions about the Chosen One." She said this all gloomily, as if she herself were delivering herself to be sacrificed to end the chaos.

Xanthine: Luckily, she was only sacrificing her only son. Once she realized that, she was good.

It was that moment that Jeff really knew how much she loved him. He felt sorry, in a way, although it was neither his nor her fault. Destiny had chosen him, and destiny alone was responsible for this terrible deed. If Jeff could have served justice to destiny,

Syntax: You can tell that the word "destiny" is important because of the number of times the author had to repeat it.

he would have without hesitation.

Xanthine: He would pop a kneecap in destiny someday.

He felt it unfair to ruin so many lives only because a simple imbalance had occurred.

"What do they say?" Jeff asked unsteadily. Despite the fear he felt, he was curious now. The fear still existed, but it was manageable now. He felt more in control of himself than he had a few minutes before.

Xanthine: Coming to terms with the fact that you're going to die tends to do that.

Interested by the subject of the ancient texts, he rested his head on his hands and prepared for an explanation. The explanation, however, was by no means complete.

"They say that the Chosen One will be born on an island dependent on no elements, that he will be born to a woman of notable reputation and to a man of mysterious origins, will grow up fatherless, and will be partial to the fire type," Professor Drake said.

Andy: Hey, do you think it's possible this prophecy can get any more specific?
Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "It also says he likes long walks on the beach, dreaming about faceless men, and wearing unicorn boxers."

"Our island is the only one of this region which has a name that does not stand for a pokemon type, your mother gained worldwide renown in her day by being the champion of the Kanto region, your father never spoke of his past in the time that we knew him, and ran off shortly after you were born, and your favorite pokemon is Charmander. Coincidence?"

Xanthine: If there's a god of probability, the answer should be yes.

"Wow," Jeff said. "That's a perfect description for me." He was now completely convinced that he was indeed The Chosen One. All doubts were now washed from his mind, but the fear remained, threatening to devour him as a wolf would gorge on a carcass. His stomach felt as if it were going to revolt, but Jeff was able to contain his sudden urge to throw up before it got too bad. I just don't want to leave home! Jeff thought. This is all I know of the world; this is all I want to know!

Syntax: [as Jeff] "My cardboard cut-out of Princess Leia in her slave bikini is here!"

"There is no other boy on the island who fits that description," his mother said. "Destiny has chosen you to save the world. Are you ready to answer to your fate?" A serious expression dominated his mother's usually easygoing face. Jeff knew that she was more serious about this than she had ever been about anything in her life, even more serious than she had been about training her Pokemon to become the legend she was.

"I have no choice," Jeff responded, defeated. "If the world is really in danger, then how can I selfishly hide in my home, away from the mainland where surely things will accelerate much more quickly.

Andy: …Is Jeff's middle name by any chance Eragon?

I have to do this. I can't selfishly shelter myself from the chaos going on in the world while people and Pokemon out there are getting hurt or dying. If I do that then I am no better than the great thieves of Pokemon or trainers who abuse their Pokemon simply because they cannot win a battle.

Andy: [as Jeff] "I'll be just as good as the trainers who abuse their Pokémon because they can win a battle!"
Xanthine: Like A.J.! I remember that kid. Good times. [proceeds to imitate whip sounds]

No, I do not want to do this, I don't want to leave my home, my friends, my family, but if it will save the world, then I will." He dropped his gaze, unable to look his mother in the face and keep himself from crying at the same time. He felt her arms wrap around him into a hug, and he returned it sorrowfully, fully aware that he may never see her again once he left the island. His mind was made up, however, and there was no going back now. He could only move forward and hope to live through this ordeal.

"Okay. If you feel up to it then you can come with me to pick out your Pokemon at my lab," Professor Drake said. "I'm sure you will want to say good-bye to your mom before you go. Remember, we don't have a lot of time to waste getting you ready. While you are with me your mom will pack anything and everything you will need to survive.

Andy: [as Jeff] "Hey, Mom? You're packing something to help me survive this battle, right?"
Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother] "Of course not. …I mean, of course I will, honey. You're not going to sacrifice yourself in a blaze of glory as a result of being killed off spectacularly by legendary Pokémon. I'm giving you a sandwich."

Packing for comfort isn't an option at this point since time is against us. Hopefully you can find somewhere to stay in your travels."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "And remember. While camping out underneath every hobo-infested bridge you come to, remember to hit a hobo or two. They love that."

"Stop back here before you leave the island," his mom said. "I want to see you one more time before you go,

Xanthine: [as Jeff's mother] "Because I know you're gonna die."

and you need to pick up your things."

"I will," Jeff replied. The professor nodded and headed towards the door. Mixed feelings of dread, excitement,

Andy: He was excited that Jeff was going to die?
Syntax: He's the father figure in this fanfiction, apparently.

and sadness overtook him at the same time. He hugged his mom once more before following the professor out the door and down the winding road to his lab, and into the destiny that awaited him.

Chapter Four: I Choose Who?

Syntax: Your mother.

Jeff stepped outside his house, eyes squinted against the bright rays of the rising sun. He lifted his left hand to shield his eyes from the blinding light. When his eyes adjusted to the sudden contrast, he looked around him. The town didn't seem much different from the night before save for a few patches of melting ice and burn marks scorched upon the ground.

Xanthine: And the pile of dead bodies. Other than that, just like home!

He saw a particularly large scorch mark where he guessed the bolt of lightning that had thrown him had hit. He limped over to the site, examining the ground around it in awe.

Any grass within three feet of the scorch marks radius was dead, presumably killed by the heat of the lightning. Grass after that point also suffered some damage. Many blades of grass were torn apart as if someone had simply mowed the lawn. Small patches of bare soil dotted the area, a testament to the power of Zapdos.

Andy: Suddenly, every housewife on the island started calling him to do their gardening.

"How can anything possibly defeat these things?" Jeff wondered aloud.

All: Throw yourself in front of them.

"Not very many Pokemon can," Professor Drake replied. Jeff jumped, startled. He hadn't even heard the professor approach him.

"How am I suppose to save the world, then?" Jeff asked, narrowing his eyes. "There can't possibly be any Pokemon you could give me that would ever match up to these things."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "That's the point."

"I wouldn't quite say that," the professor said hesitantly. "Anyway, any Pokemon could potentially be that strong.

Xanthine: Didn't he just say not many Pokémon can defeat them?
Andy: Let the professor of the nonsensical Gary Stu story have his faulty, contradictory logic, Xanthine.

All it takes is the right trainer."

"So if Zapdos or Articuno were to be captured and trained, they would become even more powerful?" Jeff asked.

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "I don't know. Why don't you test that theory by running headlong into a battle against one or both of them. Your mother and I will stay here, safe and sound from any devastating attacks those Pokémon may unleash in response."

Somehow he doubted that anything could surpass the power those Pokemon already possessed.

"I cannot say for sure," the professor said. "There must surely be a limit to their strength. There is no way they are invincible." The professor looked away as he said this, seeming to be unconvinced of this statement himself. Jeff realized that the professor wasn't going to be completely honest with him. "As I said, it would take the right trainer to increase the strength of these special Pokemon."

"To become as strong as them I will have to train for years!" Jeff exclaimed, feeling overwhelmed by the implications of training.

Xanthine: He's a lazy little twerp, isn't he?

"How can I save the world if I am incapacitated by training?"

Syntax: Don't worry. You'll be incapacitated by something else pretty soon.

Jeff quickly calculated the odds of having enough training under his belt by the time he would be forced to face the legendary bird Pokemon, and decided he wasn't exactly thrilled by his chances.

Andy: We have to give him credit for being a sensible Gary Stu.

They seemed simply too strong for him to defeat.

"There are numerous ways to improve your Pokemon's power.

Xanthine: The professor's psychic!
Andy: Isn't there anyone in this fanfiction that isn't special?
Syntax: Well, this is a new trainer story.

However, you must discover these yourself," the professor informed. He seemed sincere in this regard, making eye contact with Jeff with a somber expression evident in his face.

"Oh, great, no help in this, huh?" Jeff said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He realized after saying this that perhaps the professor really couldn't help him, that perhaps he was just as clueless as Jeff was about how to go about training his future Pokemon.

Xanthine: Or maybe he's just a sadist.

"You must choose your own path,"

Andy: You must learn to choose wisely with the power of kung-fu, young grasshopper.

the professor responded. "I cannot dictate your actions for you. By doing things you will learn how to train quickly and efficiently. You must discover for yourself the secrets that have been kept for hundreds of years by the world's most successful families of trainers.

Syntax: And apparently kung-fu masters.

There are many things that I know, but there are also many things I do not know.

Syntax: And because I'm a jerk, I won't be telling you any of the things I do know.

The knowledge I do possess I cannot give you, and any trainers you find on your journey will likely be the same way." His voice was stern, with a steel in his voice that seemed to chide Jeff for being so sarcastic.

"I'm sorry," Jeff mumbled apologetically. "I just don't know what to do. I've never been a part of anything so serious in my life. I can't even imagine where to start."

Xanthine: Running headlong into the legendaries' den is always a good idea.

"It's quite alright," the professor remarked humorously. "Many trainers have mocked me for denying them my precious knowledge,

Xanthine: We can't possibly imagine why.

but you are among few who have admitted the err of their ways. You are truly great for that."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "Now go out and kill yourself, you little scamp!"

"Thanks," Jeff replied. "That's a great compliment coming from someone as influential as you.

Andy: Remember, kids. To get a really cool Pokémon from your local professor, suck up to them as much as possible.

Maybe you can tell me how to start this cursed quest?" Jeff inquired, hope shining in his bright green eyes. Maybe he can set me on the right track, he thought hopefully. I can figure out what to do from there.

"My suggestion?" the professor asked. "I always suggest to new trainers that they should go to the mainland and defeat the eight gyms of the region and the Pokemon league.

Andy: [as Professor Drake] "Because that's completely relevant to the imminent danger threatening our planet."

I think you should do this as well since it will give you invaluable battling experience and will help train your Pokemon quickly. You can choose to do something else, but that is the best advice I can give you right now." The professor said all of this with a serious edge to his voice, but appeared eager to help him in any way possible.

"Thanks," Jeff said. "I appreciate your advice. I think I will take the gym leader challenge."

"Then follow me to my lab," the professor said.

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "And see what's on the slab."
Andy: Ooh! Does it have gold underwear?

"It is time for you to receive your first Pokemon."
******************************

Jeff and the professor arrived at the lab,

Syntax: Gilligan and the skipper came along later.

which was situated at the top of the tallest hill in the town. The door opened and one of Professor Drake's lab assistants emerged from the entrance, a warm smile on his face. The assistant had red hair and black, beady eyes that didn't fit the rest of his face. Jeff's first impression of the assistant's face was that it should belong to a Rattata, but upon closer inspection decided that it would be more fitting on a Raticate.

Xanthine: Remember, kids. If you're going to mentally trashtalk those far more superior to you, think carefully about the Pokémon they represent because they won't care that you're staring at them so intently.

"Hello Professor. I take it that this young man is going to receive his first Pokemon today?" he inquired. His gaze shifted from the professor to Jeff, as if asking both of them at the same time.

"Yes, Gareth. I wish to let him choose from my entire collection."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "Except for the Ditto I use on lonely nights in the lab."

Professor Drake said with emphasis. "This young man here, Jeff, is the one we have been praying for these past years.

Andy: It's always a great idea to tell absolutely everyone about the children of prophecy in your own hometown.

I would be disappointed if we didn't accommodate him to the best of our abilities." Professor Drake's voice seemed strained, as if he were trying to conceal something from Jeff.

Xanthine: The fact that he knows Jeff is going to die?

Whatever he was trying to hide, he did an excellent job of keeping hidden since Jeff could glean nothing from what the professor said. Just that he was the one they had hoped for within the past few years, but he already knew that.

"Very well, I will prepare everything. A young girl showed up an hour ago asking about you. She is waiting inside if you wish to see her," Gareth said, his voice also strained. He looked at Jeff with an expression of pity etched on his face, as if he knew exactly what Jeff was to face.

Syntax: [as Gareth] "I didn't always look like a Raticate, kid."

But there was something more to his look that alerted Jeff. Gareth seemed to make little eye contact, as if he were expecting Jeff to keel over and die at any moment.

Xanthine: Flooding the room with a deadly neurotoxin was probably going to help.

This behavior made Jeff disconcerted and fearful of what Gareth knew about him that he didn't know.

Andy: [as Gareth] "I watch you in your sleep."

"Very well, I will speak to her while you get the Pokemon ready," the professor replied. "It may be something important. I can't afford to dismiss any guests after what happened last night."

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "I still have to apologize to half the town for the part after I finished off the sixth bottle of sherry."

Professor Drake's eyes slanted in curiosity about what may have occurred to bring someone to his lab.

They walked inside the lab and headed towards Professor Drake's office. The professor opened the door and stepped inside. Jeff followed close behind and saw Katy sitting in a chair at the professor's desk. Surprised, he tried to hide a blush and remained standing by the door, nervous and unsure of what he was supposed to do. He tried to act nonchalant, but he sensed that she knew what was going on. He felt like running out of the room. Heck, he would even prefer fighting the legendary birds at that very moment with nothing but his fists.

Xanthine: I smell foreshadowing.

However, he was curious as to her visit and resisted the urge to escape.

"Hello, Katy, I heard you wanted to see me?" the professor asked. He seemed bewildered as to why a girl of her age was waiting in the office. Jeff could tell that he doubted that she had any useful information, or that she would be any help whatsoever. His impression was wrong, however.

"Yes, professor," Katy said. Her voice shook a little at being addressed, but she possessed enough composure to continue. "I heard that Jeff was going to be leaving soon on a journey, and I was wondering if I could go with him. I thought he might need some company and, well, we've been best friends since we were ten.

Syntax: [as Katy] "So he already knows what I look like naked."

Nobody else on the island knows him as well as I do

Syntax: Bow chicka bow-wow!

and I think I could help him in whatever he's doing."

Xanthine: Like getting dressed?

She seemed downcast, perhaps thinking that her request would be denied.

"That's your decision, not mine," the professor said. "There's something more to this, isn't there?" Surprised, Katy raised an eyebrow above her sparkling blue eyes.

Xanthine: Body parts seem to sparkle a lot. I wasn't aware we were in Twilight.
Andy: You're like my own personal brand of heroin, Xanthine.

Seeing those eyes always made Jeff's heart stop. They were as blue as the ocean and seemed just as deep, if not deeper.

Andy: So, here we have the young Mary Sue releasing her pheromones to attract the male Gary Stu. Might we be lucky and observe a successful mating ritual…?

Jeff was sometimes afraid that he would get lost in them if he stared too long and would accidentally reveal his feelings about his childhood friend.

"Yes," Katy responded. She looked at the floor. "I was just wondering if I could get a Pokemon from you. You know, so that I could help him if something happens." Again, she seemed convinced that her request would be turned down. She was already blushing in embarrassment for asking such a question.

"Well, of course you can have a Pokemon!" the professor said heartily. "You're at the age where trainers usually get their first Pokemon anyway, and what is a better time than today? You'll just have to wait for Jeff to choose his, though. It's very important that he gets a choice out of every Pokemon I have in my possession." Professor Drake smiled at Katy when she looked up from the floor, happiness and surprise showing quite plainly in her face. She had a huge smile on her face, a testament to the immense joy that gripped her heart. Jeff's heart flip-flopped in his chest, and Jeff was deathly afraid of passing out. It passed, however, and he was only left with a lack of air.

Xanthine: He then suffocated and died. The end!
Andy and Syntax: Yay.

"I understand," Katy said excitedly, her soft blue eyes lighting up and shining with joy. Jeff understood this joy; he was feeling the same way at that very moment. She was just much more expressive than he was, perhaps as a result of the surprise she had experienced.

"I think my assistant should be just about ready," the professor said. As if to prove the professor correct, a soft rap emanated from the door.

Andy: [as Professor Drake] "It's great that my entire lab runs on a perfect schedule that isn't at all convenient or coincidental. It means I don't have to wait for or even call my assistant, and he magically appears!"

The professor opened the door to see Gareth standing there, smiling his familiar smile and holding a small, red instrument.

Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "Gareth! Put my sex toy back before the children see it!"

"The Pokemon are ready, professor," Gareth said.

"Okay, now follow me you two," the professor instructed. They walked down the hall into one of the large side rooms of the lab. In the room were three large boxes overfilled with Pokeballs. Jeff's jaw dropped in shock at the sight of all of those Pokeballs. He almost couldn't believe his eyes. There must be at least a hundred Pokemon here, he thought.

"So, each of these holds a Pokemon?" Jeff asked wondrously.

"Correct. Why not grab one and see what's inside?" the professor asked. Jeff picked up a Pokeball and pressed the middle button gently.

Xanthine: He's gentle because it's his first time.

A quick burst of light released a Pidgey from the Pokeball. Jeff scrutinized the Pokemon carefully, deciding whether or not to choose it. "Take your time," the professor said. "Make sure you see more than just that before choosing."

Jeff picked up another ball and pressed the button on it. Out of this one came a Ledyba. More Pokemon Jeff saw in the box included Remoraid, Trapinch, Bagon, Oddish, Pikachu, Cyndaquil, and many others. Jeff was three Pokeballs away from the bottom of the third box when he found the Pokemon he wanted. The Pokeball it was in was marked differently than any of the others. It had three gold stars surrounding the center button, and the top half of the capsule was black rather than the standard red, with the bottom half a deep blue rather than the normal white a Pokeball had. He held it carefully, as if with the wrong movement the ball would shatter into a thousand pieces. He pressed the button in the center, and with a burst of light, released a black Charmander.

Andy: We can't possibly comment on this without making a racial slur, can we?

"Interesting," the professor muttered under his breath. Jeff didn't pay attention, though, but marveled at the Charmander's jet black flesh, the sleekness of it's body and the intelligence in it's eyes.

Xanthine: Intelligence in its eyes? And somehow, the Charmander's smarter than the human.
Syntax: It's so glorious we can't even use the correct possessive pronoun to describe its features!

He stared at it for five minutes before saying anything. He could only think, It's just so beautiful.

"I want this one," Jeff whispered, mostly to himself. He continued to stare at it, taking in it's undeniable beauty. His eyes followed every rippling muscle, every curve of it's flesh. Jeff could almost feel tears come to his eyes. He had simply never seen anything so perfect before.

Syntax: [as Jeff] "Sorry, Katy. I've just met my soulmate, and it's not even of the same species."

It was just like the first time he had heard the Beatles.

"Okay Katy, it is your turn to choose a Pokemon," Professor Drake said, smiling. Jeff thought he saw a silver of a tear emerge from his eye, but in the blink of an eye it was gone.

Xanthine: Oh God, their love is so pure!
Syntax: Bestiality is great, guys! It means even you might get a mate, Andy.
Andy: Hey!

Katy looked in the third box and pulled out one of the two remaining Pokeballs. She pressed the button in the center and out came a Totodile. Katy smiled to herself and looked at Professor Drake. "I think I might want this one, but I want to see what the last Pokemon in the box is," she said with emotion.

"Okay, feel free to look," the professor said. Katy took out the last Pokeball in the box. This one, too, was different. It had strange symbols around it that looked like pictures, but made no sense whatsoever to Jeff. Before Katy could press the button, the Pokeball lifted from her palm and opened in midair, revealing a shape strange and unfamiliar to Jeff or Katy.

The Pokemon that had emerged was rather small, about half of Katy's height, and looked to be a light pinkish color. It had a long tail that seemed to be constantly moving along with large, intelligent eyes set in its feline head. It blinked and continued to hover in the air, staring at Katy. Katy stared back, wonder in her eyes.

Xanthine: Oh no. Brace yourselves, guys. The Mary Sue-dar's just about to go off like crazy.
Andy: HIT THE DECK!
Syntax: Every man for themselves!
All: [disappear under the row of seats]

"I see Mew likes you,"

All: [scream in pain]

the professor said, breaking the silence. "Nobody that has come to my lab has ever managed to open that Pokeball. I found it years ago when I was exploring an island in the tropics. I had no idea what it was and instantly began studying it. I tried everything I could to open it, but nothing worked.

Andy: And yet, you're not at all surprised that, when the ball is opened in your presence for the very first time, it turns out to be the legendary Pokémon.

I decided that whatever was inside was waiting for the right trainer to come along and open the ball.

Xanthine: [as Mew] "You were hitting the wrong button on the ball, moron!"

I never expected you to be this trainer." He was extremely startled by this, but did not appear upset. Instead, he seemed happy that the Mew had been summoned from its slumber.

"I... I love it," Katy said softly. Her eyes shone with love and adoration. Oh how Jeff longed to be looked at by Katy like that. He felt as if he could melt on the spot. The Mew drifted towards Katy and touched her arm. Her eyes opened wide and she touched the spot Mew had touched. She looked at Jeff with a look of amazement in her eyes. In the spot Mew touched her arm was now a small, white oval. It glowed on her arm, and was whiter than anything Jeff had ever seen.

Syntax: Congratulations! You have cancer!

"I can hear his thoughts now,"

Syntax: [as Mew] "If you really could, you'd know none of us have genders. No, really. That's not a penis you're looking at there. That's my tail."

she said. "It's so weird, I've never experienced anything like this before. They're not like our thoughts, either. They're clearer, more defined. They're... I can't really explain it. It's as if I see and know everything."

Xanthine: If only this was Doctor Who. Then she'd probably die a horrible, painful death a few minutes from now as long as the Doctor doesn't show up.

"Remarkable!" Gareth breathed. Both him and the professor looked shocked by this news. "This means that Mew is a psychic type after all, not normal type like we thought he was."

Andy: [as Professor Drake] "Why, yes, I know the name of a legendary Pokémon I never got to see in person before now, and of course I ignored all the legends and information available to me, the regional Pokémon researcher, that state it's a Psychic-type."

"This is amazing!" the professor exclaimed. "Nothing like this has ever happened before. Katy, you have rewritten Pokemon theory." She blushed and looked down in embarrassment.

Mew, Mew Mew Mew, the Mew thought. Jeff was amazed that he communicated like this to everyone.

Xanthine: Yes, even in thoughts, he uses Pokémon speech.

"He said that he is opposed to fighting," Katy translated. "Does that mean I get another Pokemon?"

Andy: Do you hear something, guys?
Syntax: Oh yes. It's the sound of canon weeping in horror.

"Go ahead and keep that Totodile," Professor Drake said. "You have more than earned it. I think that you, too, have a role to play in the events to come."

"Thank you, professor," Katy said, happiness showing in her eyes. "I will take good care of it."

"I'm sure you will," the professor replied. "Please, before I forget, take these Pokedexes with you. They will prove valuable in your journey. Also, have these Pokeballs as well. You may need to catch some wild Pokemon to strengthen your team. I wish we could study Mew a little more, but we really are running out of time. I'm afraid that you must go now, for the ship to Pallet Town leaves in half an hour.

Andy: [as Professor Drake] "Godspeed on your quest to sidetrack yourselves from the danger facing our planet that may come at any moment."

When you get to Pallet, find Professor Oak. He will give you a map of the region and will give you some advice on Pokemon catching."

"Thanks," Jeff and Katy said in unison.

"I wish you the best of luck on your journey," the professor said.

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "And remember, you're very likely to die when facing those legendary Pokémon!"

"I do too," said Gareth. "Put a stop to this chaos before something worse happens."

Andy: [as Gareth] "But take your time on that year-or-more-long course through Kanto."
Xanthine: That's all, guys. Come on.
Syntax: Awwright!

[All three get up and exit stage left as the credits begin to roll.]


[INT. OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: In other words, exactly the same as the opening. Xanthine walks in from stage left, with Andy and Syntax floating over her shoulders.]

Xanthine: Well, guys, what have we learned today?
Andy: That Einstein's Theory of Relativity is not actually accurate in today's physics?
Syntax: That peanut butter does not make an effective lubricant?
Xanthine: No, no, no, boys. We've learned that shady figures are always evil and crazy, that having a main character be apprehensive about his destiny to save the world for multiple chapters is creative regardless of how cliché the rest of the concept is, and that Mew is a perfectly valid starter that won't remotely upstage any of the other characters. What do you think, Astinus?

[The TV flickers to life, revealing Astinus sitting on one of the pipes in the dark room. She glares directly at the camera.]

Astinus: I think you can go to—

[Suddenly, the TV goes dead again.]

Xanthine: [tosses aside the plug] Huh. Must be a faulty wire somewhere. Anyway, that's all the time we have for right now. We hope you'll come back to visit us again on the Satellite of Love. Good night, everybody!

[Andy and Syntax float behind her. A sign reading "HELP US" hangs between them.]

This was done really well and it was really funny. It reminds me of when I used to watch the MST show. Although I don't know what a "Mary Sue" is. You should do this to my fan fiction. That would be hilarious!

The Ebon Blade said:

This was done really well and it was really funny. It reminds me of when I used to watch the MST show.

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Thanks kindly. =D I tried to keep it true to the show itself, but nothing can duplicate that kind of awesome.

Although I don't know what a "Mary Sue" is.

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It's a bit difficult to explain. Wikipedia has a pretty detailed article that could probably do it better than I could in this amount of space.

You should do this to my fan fiction. That would be hilarious!

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Maybe sometime in the future, sure. =D Asty and I have got a number of requests, but if you'd like to hop on over to the MPK3000 thread in Writer's Lounge and apply, we'll put you on the list as well.

Lol, this was even better than I had expected. Although...

Xanthine: So, then they called in Al Gore, who determined it was global warming.

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I expected ManBearPig. Lol.

Syntax: That peanut butter does not make an effective lubricant?

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No!! Not again!! (Flashbacks of a prank call gone bad).

Post Office Buddy said:

Lol, this was even better than I had expected. Although...

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Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. =D (I was worried that there were some parts that would only be funny to me because my sense of humor sometimes works like that.)

No!! Not again!! (Flashbacks of a prank call gone bad).

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...I'm not sure if I want to know what happened here. XD

I say, I like this a lot. ^_^ I wonder, are there clips of the MST show online? XD;

Quite love how you not only pinpoint the big flaws of Jeff's story, like the characterization of Mewtwo, but also put lots of jokes here and there (which I assume the show does too). However, there's a couple things I want to mention.

Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,

Syntax: But… wait! Don't the italics mean he's thinking? So… he's thinking aloud?
Xanthine: Of course. This is the "thinking to other people" example you were wanting earlier.
Syntax: Ohh!

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'kay, this part you talk about italics. The way you format it seems a bit hard to know which parts in Jeff's story are italized (this goes too with Chapter 2). Perphaps bold the italized parts or something so that us readers won't get confused.

Something must have flushed them out," the professor said.

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Should have said something about "flushed" :P

The fact of his young age seemed obscure in the events that were unfolding. I can do nothing to get out of this, Jeff realized.

"We also have reason to believe that you are... The Chosen One,"

Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "And by 'The Chosen One,' we mean 'The Sacrificial Lamb.'"

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One last thing is I felt you should've said something more about Jeff being the "Chosen One" like how you emphasis a lot over Mewtwo's characterization and Katy having Mew as a starter.

OH NOES I CRITICIZED A MST FIC! =O

*coughs*

Anyways, immensely enjoyed this. Well, can't wait to see how you do with my story! Should be fun MSTing a badly done parody of Chosen One fics. XD;

Bay said:

I say, I like this a lot. ^_^ I wonder, are there clips of the MST show online? XD;

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Oh, definitely. YouTube = ♥ (Although good luck finding a full episode there.)

If you want to start with something, you can just search for the series title and check out some of the amusing antics that pop up (like this beauty), and to sample a full episode, Pumaman feature superheroes and the phrase "flies like a moron."

'kay, this part you talk about italics. The way you format it seems a bit hard to know which parts in Jeff's story are italized (this goes too with Chapter 2). Perphaps bold the italized parts or something so that us readers won't get confused.

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Good point. The other thing I want to avoid is getting it confused with the parts, but maybe if I formatted things a little like an actual script, it might be easier to deal with. Like, putting the character name in all caps, like so:

"We also have reason to believe that you are... The Chosen One,"

XANTHINE: [as Professor Drake] "And by 'The Chosen One,' we mean 'The Sacrificial Lamb.'"

Would it be a little bit better like that?

Should have said something about "flushed" :P

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XD Too easy.

One last thing is I felt you should've said something more about Jeff being the "Chosen One" like how you emphasis a lot over Mewtwo's characterization and Katy having Mew as a starter.

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Oddly enough, I wanted to, but for some reason, I couldn't come up with anything except the "everyone thinks you're gonna die" running gag. Maybe my brain just thought the concept of the Chosen One was laughable enough. (Although the fact that Jeff suddenly came down with Eragon Syndrome right after finding out he's the Chosen One and the timing of the thing really could've been mocked, yeah.)

Anyways, immensely enjoyed this. Well, can't wait to see how you do with my story! Should be fun MSTing a badly done parody of Chosen One fics. XD;

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ANDY: Ahh, the art of Trying Too Hard.

Seriously, thanks kindly, and if you'd like to criticize the MST, go for it. We're still working out the kinks to the system, after all.

Oh man, you had me laughing and pasting various bits to people over MSN the whole way through xD I think the commenters above have picked out all my favourite parts.

And so, a gift!

I look forward to future MSTs ;D Perhaps I should in fact copy up that fanfic I wrote when I was twelve.

Camisado said:

Oh man, you had me laughing and pasting various bits to people over MSN the whole way through xD I think the commenters above have picked out all my favourite parts.

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Thank you kindly. =D I'm glad you liked it.

And so, a gift!

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I love you so much right now. XD That's awesome. (The expressions, really, are so much win.)

Xanthine said:

Good point. The other thing I want to avoid is getting it confused with the parts, but maybe if I formatted things a little like an actual script, it might be easier to deal with. Like, putting the character name in all caps, like so:

"We also have reason to believe that you are... The Chosen One,"

XANTHINE: [as Professor Drake] "And by 'The Chosen One,' we mean 'The Sacrificial Lamb.'"

Would it be a little bit better like that?

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Pretty much the way you format it is fine and I understand you don't want readers to get confuse and all. The only thing is besides Jeff's story, there's going to be others that italize their character's thoughts and such. I guess what you can do is bold the italize parts, like this:

Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,

Syntax: But… wait! Don't the italics mean he's thinking? So… he's thinking aloud?
Xanthine: Of course. This is the "thinking to other people" example you were wanting earlier.
Syntax: Ohh!

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Like that. Of course, that might still confuse people...^^;

Xanthine said:

Oh, definitely. YouTube = ♥ (Although good luck finding a full episode there.)

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I dunno, I've found at least fifteen of 'em including "Manos: The Hands of Fate", "The Brain that Wouldn't Die", "Mitchell", "Warrior of the Lost World", and one of my personal favorites- "Secret Agent Super Dragon".

But I must say this now: Xanthine, I am consumed by two things. The first one is a desire to break into hysterical laughter that grows with each passing moment and the other is a burning jealousy because I didn't think of this idea first. xD

If we could only get permission to mst3k "Pokemon MASTER", I think my life would be complete. As is, this fic is absolutely silly enough to favorite. I think I actually started howling when I got to the descriptions of Charmander and the "Sorry, Katy" line, because even before I got to the quip all I was thinking was "Jeff has the hots for Charmander?"

It took me... 3 days to see this work of brilliance?
Aaah, this reminds me of all the stories about the original MST that an old friend of mine used to talk about. And the tropes/clichés that are mentioned and put in such a humorous light ("Oh gods, MEW?!")-- well played, my fine Xanthine, well played! *applauds*

EDIT:
And what does the canon sound like when it weeps in horror? Is it like a Banshee?

That picture is awesome.

I think I know how you should do it. Like how they put emphasis when they already have italics:

Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,

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Bay said:

Pretty much the way you format it is fine and I understand you don't want readers to get confuse and all. The only thing is besides Jeff's story, there's going to be others that italize their character's thoughts and such. I guess what you can do is bold the italize parts, like this:

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Ah. For some reason, I thought you meant couldn't tell the italicized parts in the story from the bits in the stage directions.

In any case, and this is a response to Ninja as well, there's actually two simple explanations on my end as to why I stripped the coding for the entirety of the work:

1. To give the fanfiction a uniformed look, so the reader knows when the story would begin and end.
2. It's a ***** to code. (Yeah, it's me being lazy, but after having to just do the coding for the stage directions and where the story's parts begin and end, my fingers were about to fall off because the entire thing comes out to over thirty-five pages.)

So, yeah, it's a bit confusing because the thoughts lose meaning. I know. MSTs done on other sites actually take care of the problem of setting off the story by putting it in a different color, but I know that with PC's liking for over 9000 different styles, doing that would make people want to put out their eyes during parts I don't mean to have them want to put out their eyes. The most I can do without confusing the reader (because I'm afraid lengthy breaks in italics might also be a bit confusing in itself because it blends with the stage directions), is probably screw around with basic coding. And maybe code while I write, for once, if only for the sake of my poor fingers.

AC Coda X said:

I dunno, I've found at least fifteen of 'em including "Manos: The Hands of Fate", "The Brain that Wouldn't Die", "Mitchell", "Warrior of the Lost World", and one of my personal favorites- "Secret Agent Super Dragon".

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Apparently, I haven't been looking hard enough. XD

But I must say this now: Xanthine, I am consumed by two things. The first one is a desire to break into hysterical laughter that grows with each passing moment and the other is a burning jealousy because I didn't think of this idea first. xD

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Thanks kindly. =D Well, if Astinus and I are overwhelmed with how many we have to do, I'm sure the Higher Staff wouldn't mind launching a third member into space.

If we could only get permission to mst3k "Pokemon MASTER", I think my life would be complete.

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I'd give my left breast to see that. And the right one to get a chance to do it. (Luckily, I wouldn't be giving away much, but we won't tell the fanfiction gods that.)

I think I actually started howling when I got to the descriptions of Charmander and the "Sorry, Katy" line, because even before I got to the quip all I was thinking was "Jeff has the hots for Charmander?"

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Yeah. Sorry, POB and everyone who's tired of me making Twilight cracks, but when I read that, I was like, "Holy crap, Jeff is Bella!"

Suddenly, it all makes sense, doesn't it?

DGexe said:

It took me... 3 days to see this work of brilliance?

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I know, m'dear. You were blinded by the shine. (Like the sparkliness of the power of Mew.)

Aaah, this reminds me of all the stories about the original MST that an old friend of mine used to talk about. And the tropes/clichés that are mentioned and put in such a humorous light ("Oh gods, MEW?!")-- well played, my fine Xanthine, well played! *applauds*

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Thank you. =D

EDIT:
And what does the canon sound like when it weeps in horror? Is it like a Banshee?

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Imagine hundreds upon hundreds of Pokémon being chained and burned in the depths of Hell. Oh, and Ash is there too. Just for the shippers.

Imagine hundreds upon hundreds of Pokémon being chained and burned in the depths of Hell. Oh, and Ash is there too. Just for the shippers.

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...XD I-I CAN picture that one! Oh gods, Xanthine.... classic! All those poor Pokemon though...

... Wh-what? You expected a "poor Ash" too? Sorry, I gave up watching the anime years ago. *shot*