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The Hoenn Empire

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  • Age 30
  • Seen Oct 12, 2009
Acrutheo, you never cease to amaze me. This is the best fic I've ever read. (I'm not exactly an avid fan fic reader, but this story is really good.) I only saw one error, it was in spelling. You spelled Zangoose wrong. You spelled it with an "S" instead of a "Z". But, that is pretty minor.

In the begining of the chapter, I like how you gave some background information explaining the first couple of weeks at the...um...Gaurd learning place....
But anyway, I have a suggestion: Try to describe the desert a little more. Reading this, one can almost forget that it takes place in a desert while reading this.

At the end of the chapter, I think it was a great idea to include that passage about the Emporer where you write his thoughts. It really makes you see a whole other side of things. I can't wait until the next chapter comes out!
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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4chan said:
Great story! Will you ever make another story like this?
In the distant future, possibly. Right now, I'm focusing on this one, and will probably not be finished for quite a while. Thanks for the compliment. :D

EricDaRed said:
Fantasic. Good work. I have read published works of fiction that were less entertaining than your fanfiction. I really enjoyed the 103 trainers to catch and 80 pokemon scene. Personally, I wish it had been longer and included a few references to the other cadets and the pokemon they were chasing, but, then again, I am just being selfish because I want to read more!
Thanks for the compliment. ^_^ Since you've taken the time to bring it up, I'll justify why I only focused on these two. As I hinted by the fact that two weeks pass unaccounted for in a six-week course, this story will not primarily take place in the academy. Thus, the other cadets are used only as plot devices or atmosphere creators. Though, this might be something to look at if I ever do a rewrite.

EricDaRed said:
Slight spelling error. I believe you intended to write 'zangoose'.
My bad. :s

EricDaRed said:
I accepted this while I was reading, but it did disrupt my willful suspension of disbelief a bit.

I got to thinking, if Hoenn is so isolated that this is blindly believed, does this mean that there are no trade relations between Hoenn and Kanto/Johto? Are Hoenn's borders now closed to prevent tourists from contaminating Hoenn society? If so, have the Hoods/Guards created a powerful enough naval force to keep the borders secure?

What happened to the pokemon gyms and pokemon centers? Those buildings would point to the existence of pre-empire pokeballs and peacful co-existence with pokemon. Have public libraries been closed, since they too would contain information to contradict the empire's account of history?

Also, twenty years is not a very long time. Do all of the citizens 30 years old and up believe pokemon were savage before the empire? They obviously were around before the rise of the empire and should remember the truth. I find it hard to believe that none of them would have secretly taught their children (and thus some of the cadets), the truth about the empire.

Those are just my thoughts, but some further clarification may be needed. If you would welcome a suggestion: The Hoods seem to have telepathic powers, perhaps some sort of society-wide brainwashing took place to errode pre-empire memories in the populace.

Then again, maybe you wanted the reader to ask himself these kinds of questions. If that was your intent, you can just ignore me.
This was brought up in my BETA report as well, and I'll provide an explanation. Both the twenty years and the Empire's strength are incredibly important (the former will become evident later, and the latter is important to the story as a whole.) I refer you to this in Chapter One:

Before the Empire, and for a few years after its rise to power, Hoenn's trainers professed incredible passion for pokémon. Passion turned to respect from a distance. Respect from a distance became mild caution. Mild caution mutated into fear. All because the grip of terror that the Empire had over the Citizens was so powerful, that they found themselves truly changing their beliefs.

Fear bred fear.


As I had shown here, the Empire's power is magnificent. You also have to remember that this is a world of pokemon and not of real life: the rulers here possess supernatural creatures of incredible power. This develops a cult-like aspect to the Empire, which is further enhanced by the fact that the Hoods shroud themselves in mystery.

On a final note to this, it was a revolution, not a slow Goebbels process that the Empire used to take over. They're not afraid to destroy remnants of the Republic. They want power as quickly as possible.

You are exactly the kind of reader that is suited to this fic, though. An excellent critical analysis, it was just that either you missed the importance of the above piece of text, or I failed to emphasise it enough.

Do you believe I should emphasise the importance of this more in Chapter Three? (Sorry if the question sounds accusatory; I'm genuinely interested in the opinions of my reviewers.)

EricDaRed said:
(sorry about the length of my review)
A quality review being long means that there's just more quality. ^^ Don't ever hesitate to write a long review; I like seeing how people view my fic.

EricDaRed said:
This paragraph is talking about Mr. Eckleberry. Wasn't the success vs. conscience dilemma faced twenty years ago by William Whittaker, not Mr. Eckleberry?
They both did. Whittaker could've (1) Defied his morals and stayed President or (2) Keep to them and get booted out. Mr. Eckleberry, the Deputy Head Ball Developer could've (1) Defied his morals and stayed as the Deputy Head Ball Developer of Devon, eventually rising the corporate ladder or (2) Keep to his morals (ie. that his work, the master ball, should be released) and possibly lose his job for releasing something so dangerous on the black market.

And isn't it interesting what they both chose? [/possible hint]

Mewtwo42 said:
Acrutheo, you never cease to amaze me. This is the best fic I've ever read.
I'm really glad this fic brings entertainment to such a large number of people. :D Thanks for the compliment. ^_^

Mewtwo42 said:
In the begining of the chapter, I like how you gave some background information explaining the first couple of weeks at the...um...Gaurd learning place....
But anyway, I have a suggestion: Try to describe the desert a little more. Reading this, one can almost forget that it takes place in a desert while reading this.
I agree with you. I'll add some more references to the fact that he's in a desert.
 
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EricDaRed

Herald of A New Era
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Do you believe I should emphasize the importance of this more in Chapter Three?
Yes, a little bit. In your explanation the whole thing sort of clicked for me when you used the word 'cult'. Nothing is rational about the way people act/think in a cult, and that (at least for me) well explains what is going on: A continent wide cult has been forged. People are so bludgeoned into conformity that they dare not say a word to contradict the government, even in private. Once a person repeats a lie enough times, they can actually begin to believe its true.

They both did. Whittaker could've (1) Defied his morals and stayed President or (2) Keep to them and get booted out. Mr. Eckleberry, the Deputy Head Ball Developer could've (1) Defied his morals and stayed as the Deputy Head Ball Developer of Devon, eventually rising the corporate ladder or (2) Keep to his morals (ie. that his work, the master ball, should be released) and possibly lose his job for releasing something so dangerous on the black market.
Ah, very interesting. This was a nuance that I overlooked.

Try to describe the desert a little more. Reading this, one can almost forget that it takes place in a desert while reading this.
I agree. I actually found myself picturing a forest at the beginning of the scene, then I suddenly realized they were in a dessert and it was a little jarring. I may just have been being a lazy reader, though, forgetting that the desert setting was established earlier.

Regardless, I greatly look forward to your next release.
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
Posts
15
Years
For the second time in this story, I've added an explanatory paragraph in this story at my reviewers' request - so many good things have come out of my reviews. ^^ So, feel free to comment on the new paragraph:

Acrutheo said:
These questioning thoughts were rare among Hoenn. People had been disallowed from having pokémon for so long that these creatures were now feared immensely: "demons" and "fiends", they were often described.. The Hoods, despite their constant use of pokémon as tools of fear against the Citizens, were seen as saviours: the people who brought civilisation to the savage Pre-Empire period. It was widely recognised in other regions to be the equivalent of a cult.
 
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Sweet Dreams

[I]are made of these~[/I]
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Okay, I'm trying out this constructive criticism thing...

People were disallowed from having pokémon for so long, that these creatures were now feared immensely: "demons" and "fiends", as they were usually described.

To me, this sentence sounds a little awkward; much like a rush job. I have been known to be very wrong, but, to me, the sentence brewing up in my mind sounds better.

"People had been disallowed from having Pokemon for so long that these creatures were now feared immensely; "demons" and "fiends", they were often described"

I think that, perhaps, the "for so long" and "were now" makes a "were" in place of my "had been" sound... wrong. And I use semi-colons instead of colons wherever possible, for some odd reason. That's just me. And since the "as" doesn't really do anything and can be left out, leave it out.

When I look at other people's work, I can kinda see what would make the part more succinct without detracting much from it. This stops short at my own, though, so I may just be considered a hypocrite.


Okay, enough with the sentence... No, Acrutheo, you did not give out any hints of dropping the story. I just felt like pleading for it in advance, in case you do forget about it. Yep.

Well, the story's very absorbing so far, and the characters are not cliche... well, in my experience...
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
Posts
15
Years
If we were all afraid of being hypocrites in our reviews, then so many problems would go unfixed. XD; Don't sweat it.

How about People had been disallowed from having pokémon for so long that these creatures were now feared immensely: "demons" and "fiends", they were often described.?

I still think a colon works better. XD; Simply because it introduces a description. Thanks for the suggestion. ^^

Sweet_Dreams said:
Well, the story's very absorbing so far, and the characters are not cliche... well, in my experience...
Thanks for the compliment. ^_^
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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15
Years
A huge thanks to bobandbill for BETAing this chapter. ^^

------

Chapter Four: Defeat
"Amicus, Fire Spin!"

Watson's houndour unleashed a magnificent, towering funnel of crimson flames upon the opposing sentret. Watson enjoyed the diversity in pokémon: he had to vary his strategy and think creatively. This made him stronger. And to his delight, made the others weaker – they had no idea how to do so.

Creativity wasn't encouraged in the Empire.

His enemy student desperately ordered, "Sentret! Dodge!"

"Pursuit, Amicus!"

The flames dissolved in the air hungrily without Amicus' support. The houndour's eyes darkened considerably, and he charged towards the brown rodent at a rapid speed, viciously knocking the pathetic thing into the midst of another battle. Once again, they were in the battle room: blood red sponge mats, black marble walls, and a ferocious instructor.

"Excellent," Watson congratulated.

The houndour barked its name jovially, wanting nothing more than to leap into Watson's arms. But this wasn't the time. Here, pokémon weren't friends.

They were tools.

Watson's smile contained an air of arrogant pride: once again, he'd won. Kayla still threatened his position as the top student, but much less fiercely now: over the past week, Ira, Watson's new scyther, had proved itself to be incredibly powerful. However, Watson's smile slowly turned into a stunned, silent gasp, as Amicus yelped in pain.

What could be wrong?

Wait – it wasn't pain – it was surprise! Amicus was glowing a bright white: all the colours and features of the houndour faded into obscurity at the hands of this intoxicating colour. And then, this white, ethereal figure seemed to take a new shape. The slow metamorphosis eventually ceased, and the white light began to dissolve, as this new pokémon's features became evident.

It looked deadly and powerful, larger and fiercer, faster and stronger: reasonably similar to its former self, but had skeletal horns that were demonically retroflexed. Its long head, powerful jaw and deadly sharp fangs were all indicative of its fierce predatory capabilities.

Houndoom.

******​
Two weeks wisped away by the dark abyss that is time.

Seven more days until the cadets stepped into the world as qualified Guards, ready to protect Hoenn from evildoers. It was hard for Watson to believe that five weeks had passed since the train ride here. For five weeks, he'd had Amicus, a feisty but unwaveringly loyal houndour. And for three weeks, Ira, his scyther, was battling by his side now.

Ira, despite her power, was fearful of Watson to start with. She fought well, but out of fear rather than passion. She seemed to bear a deep distrust toward Watson and all cadets in the room. Gradually, she began to realise that despite the fact that she was a prisoner, her captor was not cruel. Her captor, it seemed, wanted to make friends with her.

What an odd intention.

Watson appeared to understand her though. He understood the cruelty of trainers, as he had witnessed much abuse by Guards and cadets alike upon their servants. In his lifetime, a few Guards had even set pokémon upon him. Furthermore, Watson himself was inclined to distrust other humans. It was as if Ira was the pokémon equivalent of himself.

Every cadet was now sweating with fear and strain. The final exam loomed ahead, and their instructors were taking a far more relaxed attitude. Before, the teachers at the academy would insult them and work them to the bone. The latter action had been removed entirely from their practice, as they, with a streak of sadism, watched almost all of the cadets squirm under the pressure of having to work without their masters breathing down their necks.

They'd been doing this over the past fortnight, and the only person who didn't struggle was Watson. Kayla showed some signs of discomfort, but was still determined to not be left behind, not to be second. The instructors were weaning them off total dependence because it was the coming of age for the cadets. This was the time when they ceased to become Citizens. They were becoming superior.

They were becoming Guards.

******​

The cold emptiness of the desert became apparent once again. Eighty cadets stood upon the achromatic sand that expanded unboundedly in all directions, with nothing but the dark academy fortress and train track to comfort them. Most cadets became uneasy in this barren wasteland, but not Watson. He found it to be quite poetic to the nature of life.

Lonely, cold, and his for the taking.

But at this part in the desert, there was no fortress nor traintrack to comfort them. They had been brought to a previously forbidden area of the desert, with something new, which looked quite sinister. It seemed to be some kind of obstacle course.

The final examination of his cadet training was here. Sixty students would continue on to become Guards. However, there was something new to this examination that the cadets had not faced before. Something terrifying.

A Hood.

Watson realised that using a Hood as the examiner would strike terror into the hearts of the cadets, a sharp contrast to the relative independence of learning that they'd had over the past two weeks. Confusion was an excellent tool for control. Many had not even seen a Hood before, let alone had one that is here for the sole purpose to pay attention to them.

It was a perfect scene: a desolate desert with eighty terrified teenagers standing in dull, demeaning, shapeless uniforms at the mercy of a man who stands as the Grim Reaper. And this agent of death was not excited at all. He was furious that he had to sit on a train for hours moving into a remote desert to watch a bunch of underdeveloped Citizens fiddle around with underdeveloped pokémon.

"Stand at attention, Citizens. How dare you slouch in my presence?"

The Hood's voice was raspy and short-tempered, with a sense of arrogant entitlement: why should lowly Citizens show him anything but complete respect? He angrily spluttered the instructions, "Part one: here you prove that you're not a bunch of pathetic slugma. Though, most of you look it."

He approached an overweight student standing at the front of the class and jeered, "Well, you great steaming pile of disgusting lard. I guess you'll fall off like a bug pokémon in the middle of round one."

The student's face didn't even budge at this comment that would've earned this man a solid punch to the face in any other region. Abuse was commonplace from Guards to Citizens, so this cadet even felt a twinge of honour as this Hood even talked to him, despite the fact that it was an insult.

The Hood gestured to the obstacle course ahead. It was full of nets, ropes, holes, and odd machines that appeared to be elaborate weapons. It didn't look friendly, nor like a healthy challenge.

It was a deathtrap.

"Row by row," the Hood rasped, "you will enter the obstacle course without using pokéballs. Get to the side before the other cadets. Just so you know – people have died in this course before."

He said that last sentence with a heavy gravity and a delightful malice. Watson imagined a smile curling up on his presumably ugly face beneath the shadows of his hood. He suspected that the Hood was lying, but didn't feel the need to test this theory.

The order was given for the first row to proceed, and Watson leapt forward under the blood red rope net that introduced the course. Like the mats in the battling room, the colours were distributed irregularly, begging the question: were they always that colour?

He scrambled under this net, but it was harder than it looked. The net glistened with some kind of sticky substance which was not only causing skin to itch, but making escaping from the net a grueling task. The cadets writhed and squirmed, with the most determined emerging first.

Kayla slid out, sand and slime sticking to her body, deathly itchy. Watson emerged not soon after, coming in a close second for the next obstacle, leaving eight other cadets still pathetically lurching in the painful grip of the rope nets.

The new obstacle was an abseiling task, but not without a cruel twist. Instead of a rope to support them, it was a chain. It hung there, dark and menacing against the tawny brick wall. Watson quickly destroyed any advantage Kayla had from her head start; his tall and muscular arms pulled him up at a rapidity that his rival could not match.

As he reached the top, Kayla was significantly behind, and he prepared to jump into his next obstacle. A great pool filled with a chartreuse yellow liquid. Watson was initially distrustful of the contents of this great hole, but quickly realized that such scepticism would only slow him down.

Searing pain met him at the moment of the splash.

Watson felt his body burning, the irritating slime from the net dancing away from him. It seemed that there was some kind of reaction between the two substances that ultimately resulted in a torturous burning. Bastards, Watson thought to himself, as he swam through the deep pool.

As he emerged at the other side after about half a minute of swimming, he heard the scream of Kayla emitted through the desert. Was that a tinge of sympathy he felt as he heard that high-pitched cry of pain and distress?

No, the heat must just be playing tricks on him.

But wait – this desert wasn't hot – it was cool and miserable! He turned apprehensively, almost as if time had slowed down, to lay his azure eyes upon the next terrifying obstacle. An angry charmeleon.

It was a deep vermilion cretin of fire, its anger evident in its eyes. Beige bellied and possessing a menacing tail tipped with a passionate flame, it looked at Watson with a need to burn. It was tied by a black choke chain to a post, and Watson had just stepped inside its allowed territory of attack.

Watson cursed loudly and bolted as fast as he could to safety, every inch of his body pumping with the scream of adrenaline. Angry fires of warm colours emerged from the pokémon's mouth: not enough to bring Watson to his grave, but enough to put tears in his eyes.

No amount of training could have prepared him for this beast.

Watson, keeping as low as he could, was still running and now in the charmeleon's locus of movement. The lizard launched at the boy, but Watson dived to avoid it, warm sand greeting him harshly. He scrambled to run, but tripped pathetically and his chin met the ground once again.

With a wild determination in its eyes, the charmeleon latched itself onto Watson's back, grappling violently. This feral cretin raised its claw to strike with a ferocity as if the lizard had some personal grudge against Watson.

The cadet furiously dodged, feeling a true fear, his adrenaline giving him the strength to kick this powerful pokémon off him. The charmeleon met the sand, and Watson rapidly sprinted in the direction of the finish line, scared for his life.

Angry crimson flames furiously warmed Watson's side: if they were five centimeters closer it would be all over. His already fast run increased – a blue line approached his feet – just a bit more – yes! He'd emerged at the other side without serious injury, to where the charmeleon was evidently barred from sending flames.

A fully armored Guard stood at the end. There was no congratulations. No "well done, mate." Just a quick check for burns that the last obstacle may have inflicted upon him, and instructions about where to go next.

Watson was out of breath, had escaped severe injury, if not death, and in typical fashion of the Empire there was no morale boost.
He was still a Citizen. He was still inferior. He still didn't deserve congratulation of any kind, no matter what the feat.

A surge of anger at this system quivered through Watson's exhausted body – he deserved to be congratulated. He had done well. Better than anyone in the first row, and probably better than anyone in the class, and yet this impertinent Guard refused to recognise it.

Despite all his efforts, it was ultimately a bathos.

******​
"Attention, cadets."

After two hours, the raspy voice of the examining Hood had returned. Watson and the other cadets were simply relaxing in the cool sand. Four had been slow enough to have been severely injured by the charmeleon. One had had a violent allergic reaction to the liquid that filled the pool. Every cadet was sullen, their former liveliness stripped of them. Not one had escaped the course without injury – blisters were the most common, but bruises and large cuts were not hard to find on these teenagers.

Was this the life they had chosen? They thought it would be easy, being superior to Citizens. No wonder the Guards always mistreated the commoners if this is what they had to endure! Watson was silently pleased with the difficulty, however.

The competition was weakened.

Seventy-five cadets quickly rose at the sight of the Hood, ready to prove themselves worthy to become Guards. The Hood called ten names and ordered them to stand in front of the other cadets. They seemed to be the ones possessing the worst injuries.

"Apart from those pathetic enough to be physically unable to complete the next challenge, the ten cadets that stand before me did the worst in the class. Pathetic scum that do not deserve to be given the honourable rank of Guard!"

This taunt was met with a sullen silence, except from the two top students. Watson made a vague, malicious smile: a signal of superiority, one that said "I'm better than you." However, Kayla's action seemed to disturb Watson a little bit.

She was nodding in agreement – as if what the Hood said had merit.

"However," continued the perpetually angry Hood, "I am only permitted to deny ten of you the pleasure of the next round. Because five have already been sent home to live as Citizens, that means five of you that stand facing your fellow cadets will face the humiliation of being sent home."

The Guard proceeded in a cruel slowness, listing five names. As each cadet had their name read out, visible despair manifested itself upon their facial features. It had all been for nothing. "Andrew Li… Xavier David… Nicholas Thorburn… Caleb Smith… Soterios Diotrephes."

At the sound of the last name being read, five students rejoiced, thanking the sky that the Hood had not said their name. But the Hood was not finished.

"… Will be allowed to continue to the next stage of examination," he said in a dark tone, savouring the switch from relief to despair.

The epitome of cruelty.

******​

The second stage of the examinations was underway, and was unsurprisingly to do with battling pokémon. Each cadet had to participate in five battles, with rests in between. And battle number five loomed ahead, as Kayla and Watson were matched up for battle.

There was none of the usual pre-battle taunting. Most cadets professed an aching desire to collapse dead at this point. Watson didn't express such extreme weakness, but a fifth battle was not something he had great enthusiasm for, even if it was against his greatest competitor.

"Go, Amicus!"

"Aliquant, destroy him!"

Aliquant was a makuhita: short, but round and heavy. It was primarily yellow, but had black hands in the shape of boxing gloves, and some loose skin on top of its head appeared to be tied in a bow.

Aliquant leapt into the air, hoping to land successfully upon his target, but Amicus moved to the left upon Watson's command, and the makuhita's chin painfully met the sand below.

"Amicus, smog," set Watson calmly. He had a plan.

The houndoom released from its mouth a stream of purple smoke which makuhita could not easily avoid: it was still on the ground. Aliquant choked in the rushing stream of smoke that was being unrelentingly released from Amicus' mouth, until it eventually managed to rise and make a pathetic attack attempt.

Amicus fell to the side and used its legs to push Aliquant up into the air, and not without difficulty: Aliquant was over double the weight of Amicus. The attempt resulted in the simple pushing of the makuhita a slight distance forward. Aliquant was still choking. Its forehead was going purple.

Sure signs of pokémon poison.

And yet, this seemed to give the makuhita a powerful determination – the poison seemed to increase his strength – the pokémon's facial features narrowed in strength. Watson knew what this meant. Makuhita come in two varieties: those that get stronger through receiving an injury (called the Guts variety), and those with an especially protective fat to cushion them from fire and ice attacks (called the Thick Fat variety).

And it seemed that this wasn't the latter. Unfortunately, in doing this experiment, Watson had created a huge risk: the increased power of the makuhita.

"Aliquant, SmellingSalt!"

Marveling at his cleverness of his plan, Watson forgot the risk that the Guts variety posed under injury, and Makuhita assaulted his Houndoom with a terrible force. One more hit like that and Amicus would be down. But with the poison starting to take its toll on Aliquant, Watson knew that his opponent could not claim any significant strength over him.

One fire attack should do it.

"Amicus, flamethrower!"

"Aliquant, arm thrust!"

The houndoom released a stream of bright orange from its mouth with the utmost determination. But the makuhita managed to roll out of the way, and rise to fulfill his trainer's command. Aliquant, with surprising speed, lifted itself off the ground, ready to strike Amicus.

"Flamethrower!"

Was it too late? The flames licked Aliquant's glove-like hands, but he kept going, and released his attack on the weakened houndoom, who was pushed powerfully into the grey sand. Aliquant looked upon his victim with a look of victory.

The poison was now too much to bear, the pain rising in every one of the poor makuhita's muscles. Rolling his eyelids back, he fell on his face. This game was a tie.

Tears of frustration swelled up in Kayla's eyes. She was so powerful, and so intelligent, and yet when it counted, she couldn't defeat Watson. Sure – she'd passed the examination, but why could she not win? Despite the fact that the match was a tie, for both cadets, they felt nothing but inner frustration.

Defeat.
 
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EricDaRed

Herald of A New Era
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  • Seen Dec 31, 2009
Nice chapter. I enjoyed it immensely. The Charmeleon plot twist was sweet. :)

One problem:

but he kept going, and released his attack on the weakened houndour
Amicus is a houndoom now.

marveling at his cleverness of his plan forgot the risk
Marveling at the cleverness of his plan... would be better.

However, there was something new to this examination that was not present in the old one. Something terrifying.

A Hood.
Very nice line. After all these cadets have been through at the hands of their ruthless instructors, they are still struck with fear at the sight of a Hood. As a reader, I still know very little about the Hoods, and that actually makes them scarier.

I would suggest, though, that you change that was not present in the old one because you're not actually referring to any particular exam here, so it s a little confusing. Perhaps you could say there was something new to this examination that the cadets had never faced before...
 
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Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
Posts
15
Years
Once again, thank you for your comments. n_n I really appreciate them. ^^

All the errors are fixed and your suggestions have been enacted.

EricDaRed said:
Very nice line. After all these cadets have been through at the hands of their ruthless instructors, they are still struck with fear at the sight of a Hood. As a reader, I still know very little about the Hoods, and that actually makes them scarier.
Then that part had exactly the effect I wanted. :D It will, however, be one of my challenges as the author to reveal information about them and still maintain a sense of fear and mystery throughout the entire story.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask your opinion as a reviewer: what were your general impressions of the pacing? I need to get Watson out of the academy reasonably quickly as that setting has served its purpose for the plot, but with all the skipped weeks I worry that it may have been a little rushed. Did you find this to be a problem?
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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15
Years
Thank you for the compliment, Mantyke. ^^ Do you have any suggestions on how I might improve?

EDIT: Also, I've noticed that this story has reached both the thousand views mark and the three pages mark. Thanks again to all my readers and reviewers, I appreciate your interest, praise, and constructive criticism. ^^
 

EricDaRed

Herald of A New Era
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  • Age 39
  • Seen Dec 31, 2009
with all the skipped weeks I worry that it may have been a little rushed. Did you find this to be a problem?
Quite the opposite, actually. I think that if you spent time on all of the weeks, the story would feel tedious. I think you've done very well with the overall pacing.

I will say that some of the individual scenes seemed a little rushed.

For example: I noticed that Kayla is a main character, yet a lot of her activities aren't detailed. For example, the readers aren't told how Kayla captures her makuhita. Was she pleased to have captured a powerful fighting type or was she resentful of her new pokemon because it represented her failure to capture Scyther before Watson? Also, readers don't see how Kayla fares in the obstacle course after having fallen behind Watson. I would have been interested to see how Kayla handled the Charmeleon. :)

*Sigh* I wish I could be this objective when reading my own story. Well, I guess that's what I've got you for, Acrutheo.
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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Ah, yes. Objectivity is so much easier with other people's works. ;>

The trouble with expanding upon Kayla in that chapter would be a problem of length. I'd already pushed how far I would've liked to go with that chapter wordcount-wise. 1800-3000 words is generally my limit, as I know that I, as a reader, really dislike having long chapters that I have to stop in the middle of. ^^;
 

Sweet Dreams

[I]are made of these~[/I]
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Wait... I haven't commented yet?! I could swear I did when I first read it...

Oh well, wonderful part. Your pacing is fabulous, unlike my usual one. I drag it out so much that even I get bored with it after a while. I'm gonna try not to with the next one.

It is very hard to be objective with one's own piece. This is why we post it and let others comment. Yup.

Well, just dropping by to say great part and yes, I'm still reading this.
 

BigfootTheUnbeatable

Phillies World Champions 2008!
191
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  • Seen Apr 11, 2009
First, I would like to say that this is one of the best fanfics I've read, and definitely the best Pokemon fanfic I've ever read.

Secondly, there arent too many things wrong with this other than the fact that there is kind of lack of characters.You got your Watson, you got our Kayla. But is there anyone else? I don't want to get bored about reading about one guy. However that's a small problem that you'll no doubt improve upon.

Thirdly, I'm excited for the next chapter! Keep up the good work. I honestly couldn't think of anything else to improve the story. It's just that good.
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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Thank you once again for your compliments, Sweet_Dreams and BigfootTheUnbeatable.

For your suggestion about the lack of characters, this will be addressed the chapter after next. Just, the first five chapters lead up to the new environment of number six (at least in my plan anyway), so putting too much effort into making other characters now would be wasted, as they'd be cut come chapter six.

But, come Chapter Six, new faces will definitely begin to emerge. Until then, unfortunately, you'll just have to bear with it. ^_^;
 
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icomeanon6

It's "I Come Anon"
1,184
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I really liked this last chapter, especially the characterization of the guards with the severity of the exam. You did an excellent job of making such apparently inhuman characters seem much more human. I did spot one mistake, but it's nothing major:
Watson's smile contained both an air of arrogant pride: once again, he'd won.
I don't think you meant to write "both" there, you only refer to one thing that his smile contains.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask your opinion as a reviewer: what were your general impressions of the pacing? I need to get Watson out of the academy reasonably quickly as that setting has served its purpose for the plot, but with all the skipped weeks I worry that it may have been a little rushed. Did you find this to be a problem?
I don't think that putting too much detail into the unimportant parts of his training is a good idea, but I would say that his time there was longer. A six week term seems a little short for a school.

It's been superb so far, but be sure that you maintain the level of detail and care that you put into your work as you continue. A lot of writers (myself included) put an excellent amount of work into the early and unimportant parts and then get bored and slack off when their stories reach more climactic points. I'm sure you won't have that problem, but be careful nonetheless!
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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icomeanon6 said:
I don't think you meant to write "both" there, you only refer to one thing that his smile contains.
Heh, that was once going to be "both an air of arrogance and of pride", and I obviously forgot to snip the "both" out. Thanks. ^^;

icomeanon6 said:
A six week term seems a little short for a school.
it's not so much school as Basic Training. According to Wikipedia, The airforce training is six and a half, so I didn't think six was too short.

icomeanon6 said:
It's been superb so far, but be sure that you maintain the level of detail and care that you put into your work as you continue. A lot of writers (myself included) put an excellent amount of work into the early and unimportant parts and then get bored and slack off when their stories reach more climactic points. I'm sure you won't have that problem, but be careful nonetheless!
I'll try my best not to. And if I do slip into the realms of mediocrity, bobandbill will hopefully slap me straight in his BETA review. XD

Thanks for the review, icomeanon6. ^^
 
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972
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  • Seen Oct 12, 2009
I haven't been on PC for a little, so I couldn't check out Chapter 4...so, I just did now.

I thought that this chapter was also awesome, like the others. :)
I like descriptive words you used such as "professed". But, for some reason, I thought that the begining seemed a little wierd because so little time passed from day one at the academy to final exam day. It seemed unrealistic.

Well, it was great!
 

Acrutheo

The boundless night~
302
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15
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Once again, bobandbill takes heaps of work from reviewers with his BETA report. XD Thanks. ^^ Also, thanks to Mewtwo42 for the compliments. ^^

-------

Chapter 5: Pain
Watson looked through curved slits upon the downtrodden streets of Lilycove City. Being from the much smaller Verdanturf, he wasn't used to this kind of bustling activity. Suits walked in and out of buildings, Citizens hurried to work, Guards patrolled: everyone had something to do, somewhere to be. There was building after building after building, parted by endless, defective roads and narrow concrete pavements. Despite this activity, it was no less sombre here than it was in Verdanturf Town: misery and fear still smothered Lilycove just like every other place in this wretched region.

Power, however, rested with Watson. He was out of his drab dogi and in a powerful dark silver armour that evoked fear in passing citizens. He bore the menacing Empire crest over the right side of his chest: if someone were to strike his heart, the symbol would remain intact. Watson recalled a common saying by the Hoods in Hoenn.

'We don't need your life to sustain the Empire.'

Watson was assigned the job of patrolling Lilycove, and had been doing this for a few days now. His instructions were clear: "Kill the criminals, scare the Citizens, and leave the Suits alone." He felt he was doing a fine job at the second instruction: Watson sneered at Citizens that were in range and even released his houndoom to terrify a young couple.

Just to remind them that it was not their place to enjoy themselves.

He did ponder about the relation with the Suits, though. He'd always recognised their importance: they were intelligent people – the brains – were they superior to Guards? But only the top Suits were allowed to carry pokémon, and even then, only one. In that sense, they were inferior. Perhaps the two classes were equal? Or maybe the Hoods planned it like this to create a further sense of confusion, to disorientate people so they became intellectually dependent on the Empire.

He admired the Empire's intelligence for this.

However, Watson was bored, and wanted to exert some of his well-earned power. So, when he saw a child protesting about not being bought a toy he wanted, Watson seized the opportunity. He slowly approached the duo, his cold boots menacingly quiet along a dark road of this melancholy area.

"Is there a problem here, Citizens?"

Fear swelled up in the green eyes of the mother. The blond-haired boy seemed to not fully understand the power that Watson wielded; he must have been five years old at most.

"Please," the mother pleaded and her brunette hair shook, "It's alright."

"So your child is guilty of rioting and you're guilty of perjury, then!"

The Empire had a knack for hyperbole in its criminal charges. As a Guard, Watson was the policeman, judge, jury, and executioner over this woman and her child. Lying to a Guard was tantamount to perjury, and punishable by a cruel, public death, at the Guard's discretion.

Watson was in two minds about this situation. In his hands, he held the lives of two people he had never met. Absolute fear was in the mother's eyes, and now the child was beginning to cry. He had real power now – this made him feel incredibly fulfilled. But was it enough to just have the power and to be feared if he did not use it?

And if he did, would it be moral? Watson had never had any time for ethics; they only held him back. But now he was in a situation of power. He was a Guard! He could exercise his own morals! To an extent, at least.

He stood there, looking at the woman through the metal slits of his helmet, observing her – what would he do? Watson had been abused by the Guards in his childhood – it served to make him tougher. Didn't it?

Yes. It did. If Watson was left to glide through his childhood without discipline, then he would not be what he is today: a powerful Guard.

"Give me your child," said Watson coldly.

Maternal instincts kicked in, and the mother sobbed, "No, anything but that!"

"You will do as I say or you will be fed to the beedrill, along with your child!"

The mother's mouth hung half open, and the blond-haired boy hid, now terrified, behind his mother. Was he becoming a monster? Either way, it was too late to back down now. Mercy was not to be shown.

"Boy, stand in front of me."

Sobbing quietly, his eyes red with fearful tears, the boy slowly approached the front of Watson. Several Citizens were now watching – it was intoxicating. They hated this Guard and what he was doing, yet their vulture instinct made them curious as to his punishment. And Watson, with an air of satisfaction, noted their fear: it hung in the air, like a malodorous gas.

This boy was to fall victim to a reenactment of Watson's punishment when he was six. He threw a master ball vigorously on the ground (Ira had been transferred from its pokéball after Watson graduated) and a scyther emerged. Both the boy and his mother looked fearfully at this giant insect.

"Slash his thigh open," Watson said sadistically.

Ira hesitated. There was a silent murmur emerging: could the Guard not control his own pokémon? Anger erupted and Watson spluttered, "Ira! How dare you defy me! Slash it open now!"

Ira reluctantly lifted her large claw and brought it down with immense power upon the child's thigh. The poor child screamed in pain as he fell with great force upon the ground. Blood stained the concrete menacingly. The mother fell down to her child and she wrapped a bandage around him; Citizens always carried bandages in case of incidences like these. An unwelcome pang of remorse hit Watson's chest.

This was no treatment for a child!

However, he could not show kindness. Mercy was forbidden for Guards once the rampage had begun. Ira, on the other hand, seemed significantly more downtrodden at this act. She was finally beginning to see Watson as a friend, and then this catastrophe happened.

"Hopefully this will teach you to show your brat the difference between right and wrong," concluded Watson, only being able to vaguely remember what had incited such an attack. "Ira, return."

By the time Watson turned his head to look upon the streets, the audience that he knew was once there was gone. In its place, a puddle of fresh, yellow vomit.

******​

What an ugly area: a black façade rose high into the air, without windows or texture; twisted gargoyles of Hoods and powerful pokémon surrounded the place; it was desolate, feared, hated. There was no grass, only concrete, and it was built into a large wall of rock. The rest of Lilycove was beautiful compared to this eyesore.

It was the office of the Lilycove Hood.

Each area in the Empire had a Hood assigned to it. The purpose of the Local Hoods was simple: instill fear, terror, and suffering over their region. The Lilycove Hood was quite a terrible one: he was well known across the Empire for being the most vicious, sadistic Local Hood. Rumor had it that he had been offered many promotions before, but he'd obviously turned them down: they didn't give them enough opportunity to torture Citizens anywhere else.

Watson's job here was simple: make sure those coming in and leaving had the authority to do so. And it was quite easy, but tedious: only Guards and Suits went in and out of this building, so he had no opportunity to exert his power.

Until the afternoon.

Watson had received a signal through his helmet to enter the building. His helmet had an excellent communicator within it, so he could call for backup or be called upon when needed. But it had a far more useful purpose. It could identify Hoods. A few days ago, he had seen a Hood briefly pass, who his helmet identified to be the Deputy Supreme Commander of the Guards. Curious that he (or she – it was impossible to tell) would be coming through Lilycove. But, as Watson knew, it wasn't his place to ask questions.

At least, not verbally.

As he hurriedly entered the building, he noticed that it was almost precisely like the Guard academy: windowless, depressing, and with black marble walls. There were no redeeming features of this soulless building.

Watson further noticed that there were a few other Guards at his tail, running from elsewhere. What could possibly be wrong? They were about to find out: a senior Guard approached them. He wore almost the same intimidating uniform, but three white stars were visible on the left side of his chest, opposite to the Crest of the Empire.

He spoke in a half-whisper, signaling danger, "we have received credible information that there are rebels inside this building, so we're bulking up our security inside."

One Guard asked with a genuine worry within his voice, "Is it His Eminency?"

One pompous, familiar voice answered the question for the senior Guard. "Why else would they come into the master of Lilycove's place of work unless they wanted to kill him?"

Ah, his old rival, Kayla – he hadn't seen her since the academy, and he could see that she hadn't changed much.

And so, for an hour, these Guards patrolled the interior of the Lilycove Fortress. It seemed to be a false alarm – there were no bombs, no drawn pokéballs, and no rebels storming in. Well, there might have been – rebels had no uniform and simply disguised themselves as Citizens and Suits. But, if they had entered, they certainly hadn't done anything.

"So, how has your career been treating you?"

An innocent question, as most would have taken it. Watson was now assigned to stand Guard at a door that had no discernible purpose, with his old rival Kayla. However, Watson, being naturally sceptical, decided not to answer.

"I heard you ordered your scyther to attack a five-year-old," she said, still maintaining an innocent tone of voice. "Not using your own fists anymore to injure the helpless?"

He couldn't help himself, "So that's an admission that you're helpless?"

"No, Young, just a ploy to get you to say something."

And so they stood, mostly in silence, exchanging occasional sneers and insults at each other. At five minutes until the next rotation, both seemed extremely relieved that they would soon be out of each other's company. And not necessarily because they didn't like each other – but because their mutual hatred seemed to be waning.

It seemed, that despite the Hoenn education system, they were both intelligent, and could connect on an intellectual level. However, the way they connected on this level was through slinging insults back and forth, some of which would not be insulting to most people, simply because they wouldn't understand them.

Bzzz.

Their communicators were speaking to them with the voice of the senior Guard. "We have identified a rebel who is masquerading as a Suit. He will use the identification card of Robert Carter – kill on sight."

Watson and Kayla exchanged worried looks; a couple of minutes ago, they had admitted a Suit through the door they were guarding. And his identification card definitely said "Robert Carter."

They hurriedly used their communicators to inform the other Guards of this and told them of their location, shortly before silently opening their door and, pokéballs drawn, creeping forward. Keeping as low as they could, they moved along this dimly lit corridor and eventually reached a shiny metal door.

And behind it, they could hear muffled sounds of crashing; sabotage; destruction.

Watson silently pulled the door open and snuck in, Kayla at his tail. It was terrible: a graveler, at the command of what looked like a Suit, was destroying files and computers. Piles of information now lay in shreds and ruins on the white-tiled floor.

At the release of Amicus and Aliquant, the distracted rebel noticed them. "'Bout time, Empire lackies," he grinned. Next to him stood a large, grey pokémon with four stubby, but seemingly powerful arms protruding from its body. "Graveler, Rock Polish!"

"Aliquant, Vital Throw!"

The rock pokémon seemed to weep some kind of transparent liquid out of its body, making it almost instantaneously shiny and lubricious. The makuhita charged at graveler, who merely stood, looking amused. By the time Kayla realized what had happened it was too late: Aliquant, with all its force lunged at the pokémon, quickly losing its grip and hitting hard down upon the floor.

"Amicus, Fire Spin!"

The houndoom released a hurricane of fire, but Graveler easily slid out of the way. It seemed unbefitting for such a brutish pokémon to slide away with the grace of an ice skater. Footsteps sounded behind them, and the rebel knew he was in trouble.

"Graveler, Mud Sport!"

The graveler said its own name, and released upon the Guards and their pokémon a large amount of thick, disgusting mud, that knocked the humans off their feet, and made the pokémon flinch. By the time they'd wiped their eyes, two backup Guards stood behind them, and the rebel was gone, the pitter-patter of his feet vaguely audible through a white door on the other side of the room.

Watson was not going to wait. He ran after this infidel, determined not to have that blast of mud as the last word. He ran agilely and rapidly to his prey. The black marble walls either side of him were phantasmal whirs of shadow, but he could see the running rebel now.

After a few more seconds of running, the rebel took a sharp turn to the side, which Watson wasn't prepared for, and in his attempt to slow down, ran past the door. Quickly recovering from this embarrassment, he turned and ran through this new far more narrow corridor, and saw an open door at the end.

Watson's killer instinct was now in overdrive: just a little further, and he would have singlehandedly caught a rebel! In his first week of being a Guard!

The carrot of success now bigger and juicier than ever, he emerged through the door, refusing to show any sign of tiredness. Light flooded this room – or, more accurately, it appeared to after the dimness of the corridor. He stood on a black marble balcony above the atrium, running around the circumference of it. Below, there were numerous pokémon battles occurring in a series of blind rages. Shouting, fire, electricity, ice: the terrifying calmness of this building had now become exciting chaos.

Scanning both his left and his right, he saw the rebel a catchable distance away from him. To his left.

"Amicus, catch him!"

The houndoom emerged from its ball with a determined expression upon its face, and sprinted after the rebel. Upon seeing the futility of running from a houndoom, the suited rebel approached it and released his graveler.

"Graveler, Rollout!"

The animate rock curled itself into a ball and rolled, with increasing acceleration, at Amicus. Watson, running along the balcony to meet the battle, shouted the obvious to his companion, "Dodge it, Amicus!"

Watson's pokémon moved to the side with ease, but the rolling pokémon simply turned and sped back, even faster, towards Amicus. Amicus dodged again, but with more difficulty this time. As Watson reached the battle, Amicus had dodged the spinning rock for a third time, and it didn't look like it could be done a fourth.

"Amicus, Torment!"

The houndoom let out a low, psychotic growl that caused the Graveler to immediately stop rolling, and instead proceed forward in a painful tumble. When Graveler tried to achieve its balance, it looked positively enraged; unable to think clearly.

However, it never regained its balance, as Amicus lowered its head and thrust it off the balcony, where it hit the floor below with a painful whine and a large thud. Even in a high-pressure situation like this, Watson still felt that hurting the enemy's pokémon that badly was a terrible act.

Once again, though, remorse had tricked him: in his moment of reflection, the suited rebel was flying down to the floor to aid his comrades, his long blonde hair flying in the wind created by his method of transport: a staraptor, a large, grayish brown bird with a white belly and crimson crest feathers.

Watson withdrew Amicus and sent out Ira, who had still not forgiven Watson for his atrocious act upon the small boy.

"Please, Ira," Watson pleaded, "I know it seems wrong – but – look, I promise I'll explain later if you help me save Lilycove from anarchy!"

Ira seemed to find some sense in this, and her trainer was desperate: rarely was he so inarticulate. So, with an obvious reluctance, Watson was allowed to climb upon Ira's back, and they flew down with haste to the atrium.

It was quite a spectacular sight: pokémon of all species and strengths were evident on both sides, a spurt of flame would come up, a gust of wind would blow it away, a hail of rocks would fight against that wind, only to be smashed by a powerful punch. Watson wanted nothing more than to involve himself in this large battle immediately.

He quickly released Amicus again, and told him to use Fire Spin on an ivysaur that seemed to be causing one of his fellow Guards trouble.

"Ira, Swords Dance!"

Ira leapt into the air and swung her blades with a mad fury to protect herself from the fierce spray of water from an enemy quagsire, and the water flung around the room, lightly raining upon its inhabitants.

"Quagsire, Mud Bomb!"

What was it with rebels and mud? "Ira, Safeguard!"

At his command, the scyther raised its claws in front of its body and glowed a heavenly white, and the ball of mud released by the quagsire's mouth fell to the ground upon touching this aura.

Something hit Watson's foot: it was Amicus! He was engaged in two battles at once, and was far too inexperienced to win them both. The poor houndoom lay pathetically at his feet, breathing heavily; bruises seemed to be developing on Amicus's front legs and forehead.

In this moment of distraction, Ira fell back into Watson: he'd been paying too much attention to his injured pokémon and not enough to his healthy one. Watson now lay painfully on the marble floor, struggling to get up, with all the weight of Ira on him.

He painfully whispered a single word to both of his pokémon.

"Sorry."

And at this word, Watson felt the powerful foot of a rebel hostilely meet his face. His senses drifted away, and before oblivion cradled him, Watson knew nothing. Nothing but one feeling, that crept through his body and grappled it with all its might.

Pain.
 
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