• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Forum moderator applications are now open! Click here for details.
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

Share your writing!

Captain Oshawott

The Otter Pirate
236
Posts
10
Years
Definitely a different review than I was expecting, I figured you'd hate it :P . Guess that's what I get for being my own worst critique. Thanks again. I'll be sure to put what I have up soon.

The 'condition' will be explained further on :) . I can't really say much about his body type because, mostly, it was genetics :P .
 
Last edited:
10,174
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
We tend to be our own worse critics. I always think my writing is horrible, and post it expecting to get reviews tearing it apart. Then I find that it's the opposite.

Ah, I thought his massive size connected to his need to drink Bronzong's Special Elixer and him having a gift was all from the same thing. Still, looking forward to finding out the truth behind it! Good luck with the rest of your writing! Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns too.
 

SomaQL

The Varia Suit
31
Posts
10
Years
I decided to give this a try, I've always enjoyed writing. This is a Story about a Solo Run of Hoenn. :D

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last night, it happened. It was a quiet, moonlit night, like most others in Littleroot's history, when Steven Stone, Hoenn's Champion, arrived at my front door. He had flown in from Ever Grande on his Skarmory, and, for the first time, uninvited.
We had spoken on occasion, as Steven was a friend of my mother. He had never shown up uninvited, was always polite, and loved to show me his collection of Pokemon. As best I can tell, Steven not only had the well-trained Pokemon seemingly required of the Champion, he had the heart and compassion to compliment this power.
Tonight was different, however. As I opened the door for him, he trode across the house, to the kitchen where my mother was, not even bothering to say hello to me. He said something to her, and she followed him out of earshot. Knowing I wasn't welcome in this conversation, and assuming Steven would involve me if it concerned me at all, I drag myself into my computer chair upstairs and start writing a tale of me and my pokemon adventuring through Hoenn and becoming a League Champion.
I hadn't gotten much farther than, "Last night, it happened," when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. A knock on the door, and it opened, revealing Steven and my mother walking in, his face spread in the type of hearty grin only Steven could muster, while hers was taut and solemn, as if she was privvy to what Steven was grinning about and wanted no part of it. He came up to me, knelt down so that he was eye level with me, and held out his hand.
In the palm of his hand rested a pokeball. He put his other hand on my shoulder, and spoke in his unmistakable voice. "Chris, This is to be your companion. I'll admit, it doesn't look too formidable, but it is nothing to be underestimated. I believe in you, and so does your mother, despite the look she's wearing. She doesn't want to lose you, and fears for her safety." I nod my understanding, and take the ball from his hand. I then approach my mother, wrap my arms around her as tight as I possibly can, and ask her permission to leave. She struggles out a faint forced yes, and starts sobbing.
Steven makes his way toward her, nods his reassurance to me, and the two vacate the room. Alone with the ball, I point at the center of my room, and open it. Of all the Pokemon Steven could've entrusted me with, he has bestown upon me a Castform.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Constructive criticism appreciated. Mainly, I'm wondering if I should continue this story or not. As of now, I'm undecided.
 
3,411
Posts
15
Years
  • Age 28
  • Seen Mar 25, 2024
@SomaQL try using spaces between paragraphs, as reading a mass of words is tiring to the eye, when you're in front of a computer screen.

The story was fast paced. Exactly how much would you write, if you decided to start it? If you were going to write much, you can be a little more descriptive and explain to us a few more things. What's your name, what's your mother's name, where do you live in the Hoenn region? Why is Steven visiting you? Of course, these can be answered in time, but still.

You seem to describe events from a third person view, rather than your own view, never mentioning how you feel after being given your Pokemon. Give us a piece of your own mind in the story, to give it hue.
 

SomaQL

The Varia Suit
31
Posts
10
Years
@Ray Maverick, This is properly formatted in my word document, but translates over like this. My final will be a word document that can be printed if you so wish.

I'd write until I returned home after defeating the Elite Four. In this story, names don't have to be important (I wrote a compelling story once that used no names and was written in this style; it was published in my local paper as a work of art :DD). I've always believed that, if writing a first person story, the reader should decide how you, the main character, feel. This is a concept I picked up from the Metroid Franchise, which defined what Samus does and that She's awesome, but never ventured into her personality as a character. To this end, the player was able to imprint their own feelings onto Samus as her personality. I believe that you should be able to accomplish this in writing as well.

To answer your other questions, (where do you live in Hoenn?) = second sentence, Littleroot town. (Why is Steven there?) = To... give me a pokemon.
Thanks for the help, I'll use it to help refine my style :D
 
10,174
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
Yeah, it's something weird for some people where their spacing isn't translated from Word to forums. How are you adding paragraphs while writing on Word, by the way? Are you double-spacing there or using indents? Indents don't keep here, so it's better to just automatically do the double-spacing while using a word processing program.

Also, in response to your answer about why Steven is there, it's more like why is Steven the one to hand out a Pokemon? Why doesn't he help the main character become a trainer through Professor Birch, especially since this starts in Littleroot Town? It's also kind of weird that Steven is handing out a Castform when he's more known for Steel-type Pokemon.
 

SomaQL

The Varia Suit
31
Posts
10
Years
To me, Steven is an opportunist. He's one to value all pokemon. He's known for steel types, but he also has Armaldo and Cradily on his team. The whole, rare stones thing. :D I'm indenting for paragraphs. Since Steven is the champion, he would have access to Castform(s), and, since he is friends with (mine/you) mother, so would you. Personally, I'm tired of the professor giving you your mon and your dex. It seems tacked on as opposed to well-thought out and fun to play and write though. As for why he would give me a Castform, I have no idea, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I've always loved Steven as a character (imprinting's at it again) and I wanted him to be the one to give (me/you) a pokemon. I feel like Steven should be a central character, vital to progressing the story arc that I'm already starting to string out, and what better way to tie him to (you/me) then to have him give you your pokemon. :D
 
3,411
Posts
15
Years
  • Age 28
  • Seen Mar 25, 2024
It's best if you make all these things clear in your story, from the very first opportunity, rather than tell us. Explaining a bit between the lines not only can make your writing enjoyable and give it a flow, but it'll give it more flesh and impact. Describing events one by one isn't the way to go.

Before you write more of the story, I suggest you ask yourself what the readers know already. Start presenting every detail and explanation clearly and gradually, as not to confuse or bog the story down with too much information. That should set a stable basis for you to write the rest. If you decide to write more, I'll be glad to review it
 

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding
2,074
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 39
  • NC
  • Seen Nov 20, 2023
Guess everyone liked mine then. I figure, there's nothing wrong with it if no one has anything to say after all, hehe. So, I did good then.
 

starseed galaxy auticorn

[font=Finger Paint][COLOR=#DCA6F3][i]PC's Resident
6,647
Posts
19
Years
Okay so... this is an original fiction story I started writing. Be warned that it does have anorexia triggers, which is why I'm placing it under a spoiler. I'm don't want to trigger anyone who might be/has suffered this in the past.

Spoiler:


I'm not the best writer, and I am aware of that. However, I do like my writing style. I improve little by little each day since I'm a self-educated writer. I just thought I'd show you guys my writing since I've never actually shown anything here, yet I've bragged before about how I'm a writer and what not.
 

MTG

Burning shooting star!
19
Posts
10
Years
oh right, currently i'm doing crossover of Ignitionshipping (aka Volkner and Flint) when they a game together. though i do need a better title...
spoiler because, well, need some major editing.
Spoiler:
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
Okay, now that I have played Homestuck a little bit, I'm now ready to help.

Right now, your fic is set up for Homestuck fans, and only Homestuck fans. I was completely lost when I read through, before playing Homestuck. As long as you're okay with this, it's fine. Just letting you know that your target audience is somewhat limited.

I won't go to specific grammar details here, because no one else has and I'm wondering if this is what this thread is for, but there is room for improvement. I spotted some mistakes that could easily be ironed out with some proofreading. I would work on spotting these mistakes, and fixing them. Perhaps even waiting a day, reading your work again, and then posting it. I think it would help with the grammar.

The reason Homestuck got popular, was because it had a flash to go with it. Since this story doesn't have a visual aid, it tends to read a little dry. A bit more description would help, but make it stray from the Homestuck format, which you have right now. I could see hardcore Homestuck fans getting into this, because of the nostalgia value, but I'm afraid that you'll pretty much lose everyone else. Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I always aim to give an honest review, so that's what I'll do. The fic can work, but it's going to be a challenge (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).
 

MTG

Burning shooting star!
19
Posts
10
Years
Okay, now that I have played Homestuck a little bit, I'm now ready to help.

Right now, your fic is set up for Homestuck fans, and only Homestuck fans. I was completely lost when I read through, before playing Homestuck. As long as you're okay with this, it's fine. Just letting you know that your target audience is somewhat limited.

I won't go to specific grammar details here, because no one else has and I'm wondering if this is what this thread is for, but there is room for improvement. I spotted some mistakes that could easily be ironed out with some proofreading. I would work on spotting these mistakes, and fixing them. Perhaps even waiting a day, reading your work again, and then posting it. I think it would help with the grammar.

The reason Homestuck got popular, was because it had a flash to go with it. Since this story doesn't have a visual aid, it tends to read a little dry. A bit more description would help, but make it stray from the Homestuck format, which you have right now. I could see hardcore Homestuck fans getting into this, because of the nostalgia value, but I'm afraid that you'll pretty much lose everyone else. Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I always aim to give an honest review, so that's what I'll do. The fic can work, but it's going to be a challenge (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

nah it's cool, Slayr. i love honest reviews! i just wanting to have my two favorite fandom together; to be honest, i'm not good at doing the Homestuck format, and trying to get an artist for the illustration panels. but nowadays it's harder to find a partner/team for the fandventure. that the reason i joined here for how the other pokemon fans feels about crossover with MSPA.
 

an illegible mess.

[i]i'll make [b]tiny changes[/b] to earth.[/i]
595
Posts
12
Years
slayr, you dont play homestuck, you read it.

speaking of homestuck, ive been writing this humanstuck fan-fiction??????? yeah idk have the first few bits of it

putting it under a spoiler because its mildly disturbing and talks about death and gore and yeah

Spoiler:


thats only a fraction of the chapter but yeah im having fun over here writing it im on a roll.
 
Last edited:

MTG

Burning shooting star!
19
Posts
10
Years

oh i forgot to mention that... {D:}

oh wow, sorry if i only read the ending cause i'm a getting sleepy atm. i feel very bad for "Karkat dying" in your work. if only i can read the whole thing then i'll understand it... :(

other than that, i like it a lot, i hope i can see you more here. :D
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
Well, I tried out something new with my latest chapter (7) and I'm not sure how it turned out. Here's a little part of it. I was going for a timeless, mysterious feel, and it would be great if someone told me if I reached it or not.

For some background knowledge, Nolafus (my main character) , is a firefighter, and got trapped under some burning boards after a nasty fall and passed out due to pain and blood-loss. This is what he sees when he wakes up again. Put into a spoiler for length and I don't want to waste a part you might not have gotten to yet, if you're reading through it.
Spoiler:
 

Nakuzami

[img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
6,896
Posts
13
Years
Okay, I've never really done any sort of review before, so . . . let's see.
First off, I think I'll take the annoying grammar Nazi approach.

Spoiler:

Beyond all of that, I do believe that you have the mysterious feel that you were going for. I'm not sure how mysterious you wanted it, exactly, but there is certainly some mystery to it.

Although, sometimes it's not clear that it's suddenly shifted over to Nolafus' thoughts, which makes the switch between past and present tense seem sudden and awkward. I also think that your paragraphs sometimes come out a bit long. By this I mean, when it comes to literature, the paragraph normally shifts when there's a subject change, dialogue, or when things just don't seem to flow too well together. You also seem to flit through the passage rather quickly, but that's more of a stylistic approach that's entirely up to you.


And now, for my passage.

Okay, I figured I would type this up and get some opinions on how it's coming along. It's only my second attempt at fanfiction, but I've done plenty of writing in the past, and the Roleplay Corner has been my main dwelling for my three years on this site.

I'd like to know how the prologue sounds, and if the first chapter, um, escalated too quickly.
Truthfully I originally had no intentions whatsoever for the story to head in this direction. There was supposed to be no gay at all. ABSOLUTELY NO GAY. At least this means I might have a setup for some drama later on in the story.

Spoiler:
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it. I agreed on most points and changed most of the things you pointed out. I do have a problem overusing commas, and I actually have no idea when semi colons are appropriate. As far as the length, I do agree I flew through it a little too quickly, but I'm afraid that's about as long as it's going to get for now. I was never good at drawing out passages while still making them interesting, but it never hurts to try.

I thought since you reviewed my work, it would only be fair to return the favor. While I have the time. Just like you, I'll start with the annoying grammar nazi approach.

Perhaps this trip wouldn't e as bad as he had initially thought.

I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.

It bordered upon a tropical climate, but, for the most part, it remained temperate.
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.

"Why didn't you call and tell e you'd be getting here early?"
You forgot the "m" in "me".

"Well, color me surprised."
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.

In the prologue we have a battle about to start. I'm not sure how this ties in with the first chapter, but I expect the connection to be revealed later on. I have no problems with the prologue, except for the dialogue, but I'll get to that a little later.

To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.

Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.
 
205
Posts
13
Years
  • Seen Jul 19, 2014
This is clearly a Trainer Journey fic (titled in such a generic way that it's laughable) but hopefully this first chapter will intrigue you enough to give it the benefit of the doubt. Since it's been a while since I wrote anything, I'm open to constructive criticism and any advice anyone can give. I hope to better myself as we go along. I intend to write out the first few chapters as a sort of pilot before writing out the whole story from then on and seeing if I can garner any readers.

Pokemon: The Black & White Adventure

Chapter 1: Little White (& Blue) Lies

"Rise and shine, Hilda! Today's the day you've been waiting for!"

Hearing her mother's jubilant voice and the knocking on the door managed to wake Hilda up but not completely. Like a zombie fresh from the grave, she still felt drowsy as she groggily lifted herself up to see the time on her alarm clock.

7:00?! AM?! I don't think so, she thought, mentally sighing to herself. Though she was often full of energy during the day, by no means was she a morning person. At least not before eight sharp. Today was no exception even if it was very special.

"Just five more minutes, Mom," Hilda managed to respond with before lying back down to resume her slumber. It was an overused as all hell line but it was all she had at the moment.

Hilda shut her eyes and turned her back towards the door. She then heard the door open followed by her mother, Helga, stepping inside her bedroom.

Helga sighed and frowned at the sight of her 14-year-old daughter sprawled all over the bed, her pink pajamas still on and long brown hair a mess. "You know, when you ask for five minutes, you never live up to your end of the bargain," she said with her hands on her hips in a stern yet motherly pose.

"Just let me sleep a little longer and I'll be good to go," mumbled Hilda, rolling over to face her back at her mother and trying to rest up some more. "I've got time to spare before the Professor comes."

Their pet Minccino, Minnie, was holding onto Helga's head and was keen to chime in. [Really now, Hilda,] she said in the language of her species, frowning sternly. [You're going to be a Trainer very soon. This isn't the sort of behavior you want to exhibit to the Pokemon. They're going to look up to you as their coach and caretaker.]

Hilda was in no mood to deal with Minnie's nagging this early in the morning. She pulled the covers over her head to try and shut them out. As of now, she was deep in the heart of Snoozeville, Population: her.

Helga and Minnie were upset when they spotted Hilda's now exposed feet and got a mischievous idea to really get her up and at 'em. They exchanged smirks with each other to see that they were on the same wavelength. Helga motioned for the bed and Minnie stealthily leaped down to scamper across the floor. The Chinchilla Pokemon then quietly leapt onto the edge of the bed where Hilda's feet were exposed. She tried hard to stifle in her laughter as she brushed Hilda's soles with her gray fluffy tail.

Feeling the ticklish sensation caused Hilda's eyes to shoot open and her body to spaz out as she let out a laugh herself. She accidently kicked Minnie off the bed and rolled off the edge, taking the covers with her. Hitting the floor was enough to really wake her up but she wasn't hurt badly.

Helga held herself as she chuckled at her little joke and squatted down to her daughter still on the floor. "I'm glad you changed your mind, sweetie," she cheerfully said, done laughing but still amused.

Hilda, however, did not appreciate her rude awakening. "Seriously, Mom?" groaned Hilda as she got up to stretch out and yawn. "You and Minnie promised to never tickle me awake again!" At times, her mother could be more of a best friend than a parent. While it was fun and all, she could be a little too playful sometimes with Hilda. Minnie was also a playful, even for a neat freak and a nagger.

Minnie stepped over from the bed, still feeling Hilda's kick. [I admit that I did deserve that. Many apologies, Hilda.] She was responded with a roll of Hilda's eyes.

"I'm sorry too," said Helga softly, starting to show a somber look on her face. "I only wanted to have some more fun with my little girl before she set out on her journey." She then moved in to embrace her daughter with a big hug. "You know I'm going to miss you very much."

Hilda let her irritation go to receive her mother's warmness and return the hug, smiling all the while. "I'll miss you too, mom," she said before the hug was over. "But hey, we can still see each other every now and then and you'll have Minnie to keep you company. Besides, I wouldn't be a Trainer without your help, Champ."

Helga smiled once more. "You're absolutely right. And speaking of Pokemon Trainers," she said while reaching into her pants pocket to take out a small rectangular box tied with a bow, "guess who came early to deliver the starters?"

Hilda gasped in amazement as her eyes widened. "No way," she practically whispered with her mouth quivering before swiping the box from her mother's hands and tearing it open. Inside it, to her ultimate delight, were three half-red and half-white balls each with a white button. A big bright smile widen on her face as she breathing became heavy to compose herself.

"Aurea decided to have the starters delivered ahead of schedule since she assumed you couldn't wait. Also as your teacher, she told me to say 'hello' to you," Helga explained. "So are you wide awake now?" she added before Hilda suddenly embraced her in a big hug, unable to contain herself any longer. The box was tossed away in the heat of the moment but Minnie managed to catch it.

"Are you kidding? This is the greatest moment of my life! I love it!" Hilda squealed as she leaped up and down while clinging to her mother. "I can't tell you how much this means to me!"

Helga managed to break free and get her daughter to simmer down and sit in the bed. "Okay, okay, take in a deep breath. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel," she said smiling. "Just don't get too eager to pick one before your friends arrive, okay?"

"Alright," nodded Hilda, calmer when something dawned on her and caused her to glare at her mother and Minnie. "You know, if you had shown me the box from the get-go instead of tickling me, I would've gotten up in an instant."

"Hey, it was a harmless joke as all," Helga protested when the three of them heard the doorbell ringing and a familiar voice calling out to them.

"Hey, Hilda! Guess who's ready to be a Trainer?"

"Man, everyone's a morning person but me today," remarked Hilda before asking her mother, "Can you show them in while I get dressed?"

"Will do," answered Helga before heading for the door. "Come along, Minnie."

[As you wish, Miss Helga,] Minnie responded politely, placing the box on the floor and leaving the room alongside her owner.

The doorbell continued to be rung as Helga and Minnie made their way downstairs. "Hold your horses, you two," Helga called out, rushing as fast as she could. Reaching the front door, she opened it up to greet her guests. "Cheren, Bianca, good morning. This is quite the surprise, I must say."

"Sorry if we woke you up, Mrs. Helga," Cheren Blakely said politely as he and Bianca began to take a step inside. "We-"

Minnie interrupted them by clearing her throat, getting their attention as well. [I'm sure it merely slipped your minds but any and all footwear is to be left by the front door,] she said in a stern tone of voice. Though Hilda's friends didn't understand the speech of Pokemon, they knew Minnie enough to get what she was saying.

"Alright, we read you, Minnie," said Cheren as he removed his blue and black shoes to leave them by the front door while Bianca did the same with her yellow shoes along with him. She also put down her green purse too.

"Sorry about that," apologized Helga for Minnie's uptight stance on cleanliness. "Anyways, why so early?"

"Let's just say I had a hunch that a certain somebody would be trying to sleep in as usual despite what today is," said Cheren, adjusting his glasses. "So I left at least fifteen minutes earlier."

Bianca Whitley frowned as she adjusted her green beret, knowing whom Cheren was talking about. "I told you that I would've gotten up eventually. Besides, it takes time for a girl to look her best."

"Fifty years, I'm sure," Cheren said in a deadpan manner. "I've been doing this for you since the 4th grade. I think I know what I'm getting at here."

Helga moved in between them to break up the argument in progress. "Anyhow, Hilda's upstairs getting dressed and Professor Juniper recently came along to deliver the starters. So how are your folks at home?"

"Unfortunately, my dad had to attend a school meeting in Aspertia City early in the morning," said Cheren. "But my mom helped me pack last night."

"My Dad's doing fine but I think he was a bit sad to see me off," said Bianca, seeming sort of somber in her tone. "Not that I really blame him-" She stopped when they all heard the sound of rapid footsteps from upstairs.

"Hey, sorry for the hold up, guys!" Hilda said as she went downstairs to the foyer, now wearing blue denim shorts, a white tank top and black socks with her hair done up in a ponytail.

"Oh, Hilda! Good Morning!" said Bianca, perking up and heading over to embrace her best friend in a hug. "Nice outfit. It's definitely you hands down."

"Thanks but I'm not sure if I can say the same for yours," Hilda said while returning the hug. She took note of Bianca wearing an orange vest over a white gown and orange leggings. "I don't think that was part of Elesa's summer lineup."

"Yeah, but it's a classic. Better than Cheren's any day," Bianca chuckled, referring to Cheren's outfit, consisting of a pair of dark blue pants, a light blue jacket and a white shirt. Awfully formal in her opinion.

Cheren frowned and folded his arms. "Well, not that I really care about fashion but aren't those shorts cutting it a tad too close, Hilda?"

Hilda giggled. "What, are they too long for you" she teased, making a lewd look on her face.

The flabbergasted look on Cheren's face was enough to get Hilda, Helga and Bianca roaring with laughing. "That was never funny to begin with and you know it!" he said, red in the face. "Is it too much to ask for our Pokemon already?"

Composing herself at once, Hilda took the box of Pokemon out from her right pocket as she began heading for the living room with everyone following. "Fine, it's best we cut to the chase already," she said as she sat down on the couch along with Bianca and Cheren.

"I'll fix us up some breakfast," Helga said as she headed for the kitchen.

[And I'll stay here and inspect the new arrivals for any germs,] Minnie said, leaping onto the couch alongside Hilda.

Hilda placed the box onto the table before them and took off the lid to reveal the Poke Balls to the excitement of herself and her friends. "I'll let you two go first and the one left is all mine," she offered generously.

"Don't mind if I do," said Bianca as she took the Poke Ball labeled "Tepig" and pressed the white button to enlarge the ball, deactivating the locking mechanism. "Tepig, come out and meet your Trainer."

The ball opened up in half with a "click" with blue-white formless energy bursting out of the ball like flooding water after a dam burst. The energy leapt down to the floor near the couch and took on physical shape as the orange-black Fire-Pig Pokemon known as Tepig. The Fire Pig stretch itself out after being in the ball for sometime and took a look at his new surroundings.

"Wow-," Bianca begun to say before Minnie cut her off."

[Don't get up just yet,] the Minccino said as she leapt down to the floor and went over to inspect the visitor. She sniffed Tepig and eyed him for any kind of grim while making him feel uncomfortable. [You pass. Just don't sneeze any smoke, understood?] She tiptoed away with her eyes still on Tepig who was confused by this.

Bianca giggled at Tepig's face of bewilderment and got up to see her starter Pokemon. "Don't mind her, Tepig, she's just a neat freak as all," she said while squatting down to get a closer look at her Pokemon. "Anyways, it's good to meet you. I'm Bianca."

Looking up at Bianca, Tepig recognized the voice as the one who called him out. [Oh, so you're my Trainer. Hi, I'm Tepig!] he proclaimed while shining his brightest smile that pierced the heart of Bianca.

"Oh my goodness, you're even cuter in the flesh," Bianca squealed as she grabbed Tepig and hugged him, pushing him up to her chest while jumping up and down in joy. "And you're so warm! I just know that we're going to be such great friends!"

[Likewise,] Tepig managed to say despite the tight embrace; though appreciative of the affection he's receiving. In addition, Bianca was very pretty like Professor Cedric Juniper's daughter…

"I'd recommend not hugging him to death before you can find out," Cheren quipped as he took the Poke Ball labeled "Snivy" for himself and pressed the button to enlarge it. "Come on out, Snivy."

The ball opened to release energy that leapt onto the table to become the green-white snake Pokemon, Snivy. He was taking in his new surrounding when Minnie lashed out at the newcomer, seeing where he was on.

[You there!] the Minccino yelled with the utmost anger. [I just had that table swept ten times over in the last four hours! Remove yourself from there immediately!]

Snivy didn't take kindly to others ordering him about and was naturally irritated by Minnie. He turned to the source of the voice while still keep his cool. [Then just clean it again later, hothead,] he said smugly, smiling at how worked up Minnie was. [That shouldn't be so hard to figure out. At least, I hope it's not, simpleton.]

Minnie was furiously gritting her teeth at such condescension thrown her way but tried her best to put a lid on it. A worried Hilda was almost surprise to not see steam coming out of her ears.

Snivy ignored the elephant in the room and turned to the two humans before him. [So who was the one who called for me?]

"That would be Cheren," answered Hilda, pointing to her friend on her left.

Snivy took a good look at his new Trainer, maintaining his cool and collected demeanor, and sniffed, folding his tiny arms. [Eh, you look okay. A bit pale and scrawny for a Trainer but beggars can't be chooser, now can they?]

Cheren frowned at Snivy's tone and mannerisms. "I don't know what you just said but I doubt I'd like it."

"Well, it was blunt, judgmental and a bit too honest," Hilda said before laughing a little. "On the bright side, you two already have something in common."

"How reassuring," said Cheren drolly, rolling his eyes at Hilda's brand of humor.

Hilda took the last Poke Ball left in the box that was labeled "Oshawott" and pressed the white button to enlarge it. "And now for the moment I've been waiting for," she said with excitement. She took in a deep breath to calm down and held up the ball, saying, "Up an' at 'em, Oshawott!"

The same blue-white energy burst out of the ball and landed on the floor to take physical shape as the blue-white Sea Otter Pokemon, Oshawott. The little guy looked around himself with a wide-eyed look of curiosity and nativity, being use to the inside of the laboratory. He saw Hilda getting up from the couch and walking over to him with a smile on her face. Unsure of whom she was, Oshawott began to feel nervous.

[Um, hello,] Oshawott said in a meek tone of voice that gave off a vibe of timidness. [Are you going to be my Pokemon Trainer?]

"I sure as heck am," said Hilda happily, smiling warmly so as to make Oshawott feel more at ease. "My name's Hilda. Don't ask if I have a last name because I don't. Well, I use to before Mom removed it but that's beside the point. It's nice to meet you, Oshawott."

Hearing this, Oshawott soon realized that he himself should've shown more respect to his Trainer. [It's a pleasure for me as well,] he said, bowing like a Samurai. [I hope that I can serve you well on your journey.]

Hilda giggled, endeared by Oshawott's humbleness and politeness. "Oh my, aren't you the littlest gentlemen now?" she complimented, petting Oshawott on the noggin. "Please, don't be so formal with me. I'm your friend as I am your Trainer. And I prefer Hilda for the record."

Oshawott blushed and smiled at the gesture and the compliment when a stern-looking Minnie surprised him upon turning to his left. She made a menacing "I have my eye on you" gesture before tiptoeing away to attend to Helga, leaving Oshawott speechless.

"Don't mind Minnie," Hilda said. "She just tends to be on-edge when cleanliness is a concern." She put out her right hand to Oshawott. "Anyways, here's to our friendship and our team to be. One down, five to go."

Hesitant at first, Oshawott put out his left paw for Hilda to take and shake with. [Sure, I look forward to working together.] He had a good feeling about this girl, better than he had expected. Hopefully, he could be better than she had expected in due time.

"Hey, guys," Helga yelled from the kitchen. "Breakfast will be ready soon. Why don't you go outside and practice a few moves with your Pokemon? Maybe get to know each other better with a few games too, you know?"

"Sure, Mom!" Hilda responded.

That's the entire first part of Chapter 1. Feel free to rip it apart as much as you'd like, giving me an extensive list on what I did horribly wrong and a miniscule list of what I did right (a stopped clock is right twice a day). Just remember that I've writing four chapters and thing may not be as they seem. And yes, Hilda and Helga can communicate with Pokemon and, yes, this will go somewhere other than it being cool.
 
Last edited:

Nakuzami

[img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
6,896
Posts
13
Years
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it.

I thought it would be rude to post something new without reviewing yours, considering yours has been waiting far longer than mine. c:

I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.
You forgot the "m" in "me".

Well, that's annoying. >.>; My keyboard likes to skip some letters at times, and I don't always catch every mistake. Pfft

I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.

Hmm . . . I suppose it is. I'll take that out~

This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.

I think it's an older expression, but it's an expression. :> Odd is okay! Lol

To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.

This is what happens when school and guys and hormones and that's when I write it and blegh
I fixed it, though. On paper, at least. I have a better idea of how to go about this now, anyways. So, it's all good.

Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.

Old roleplaying habit that I've become attached to. :x Pfft, a year or two ago I even used to color code dialogue by character. Glad I got passed that. . . .
I'll see about removing it. It's . . . um, I suppose it's not needed as much in fanfiction as it might be in roleplaying, at least when it comes to its usefulness.



@matt0044 - I would try and review yours, but I've had a busy day today and so don't have much time. HMM, if I post a fixed copy of my passage tomorrow, I'll see about reviewing it. Otherwise, it'll probably get a review before I can get around to it. d:
 
Back
Top