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205
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13
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  • Seen Jul 19, 2014
Here's the second part of Chapter 1, directly continued from up there. Once again, I'm looking for feedback and all four chapters so far can be found via the link in my description.

The three friends and their Pokemon headed outside where the weather was moderately warm, being the middle of June and all. After playing a few games, Cheren had suggested they let their Pokemon show what they were made of. Hilda got out three posts with a target on each one to stick into the ground and went over to stand a distance from them with everyone else.

"Alright, Bianca," said Hilda, now wearing black shoes with pink laces for outside, "Ladies first."

Bianca nodded and turned to face three metallic target a short distance from them. "Go on, Tepig. Show us the power you're packing."

Tepig's nostrils flared with determination with actual smoke puffing out and stepped up from Bianca's side. Figuring that bringing out the big guns would make for a good impression, he began concentrating to amplify the Fire power in his body.

Once ready, he dashed off like a comet and looked like one too with a bright, fiery tail streaking behind him. In just one second, he hit the middle target head on and calmly landed back on the ground, leaving a big, smoldering dent in the bull's eyes. To say everyone else was surprised would've been a flat-out understatement. Even Snivy looked awestruck before returning to his stuck-up demeanor to save face.

Bianca smiled as she went over to praise her Tepig. "That was one excellent Flame Charge!" she cheered joyfully, picking Tepig up to look at his in the eye. "I knew I had the right Pokemon in mind choosing you! You're a real cute bruiser for sure."

[Aw yeah!] Tepig squealed and snorted, happy to gain praise from his Trainer and see her smile. [I kick butt!]

Snivy sniffed. [How very optimistic of them,] he said before turning to Cheren beside. [What's say we display my capabilities so they can remember their place, shall we?] He noticed Hilda shooting him a dirty look along with Oshawott strangely enough.

Cheren saw Snivy talking to him and could figure out what he was being told. "Alright, we'll be going on up next. Snivy, show your stuff!"

[With pleasure,] said Snivy as he stepped up closer to the target on the left-hand side. Two green vines sprouted from under his yellow shoulder growth and he swung them each to strike the target again and again, creating dents in it with his Vine Whip attack. One final whip was enough to make a hole in the bull's eye.

[And now for the coup de grace,] said Snivy with glint in his eyes. He leapt up high into the air and, once above the target, began spinning around to create a Leaf Tornado. The wind around him formed a green cyclone with his Grass power that wrecked the target below.

Hilda, Bianca and Cheren were naturally impressed but the same couldn't be said for Oshawott and Tepig who knew Snivy was showing off. Oshawott, in particular, felt uneasy seeing the target destroyed like that, having been a regular victim of Snivy's power during sparring sessions in the lab.

Once the cyclone dissipated, Snivy landed on the ground gracefully and walked back to Cheren. [No need for any applause. I'm well aware of my greatness, thank you.]

Yeesh, Hilda groaned mentally. And I thought Watcher was full of himself. She took in a deep breath and turned to look down at Oshawott. "It's our turn now, Oshawott. Show us your moves."

Gulping, Oshawott nodded yes and began to walk up to the target on the right, his heart racing in anxiety. You can do this, Oshawott. It's just a harmless target. Imagine Snivy's face on it and you're good.

[Go get it, Oshawott!] cheered Tepig.

[Yes, do break a leg out there,] Snivy said with a snide undertone. [Oh, and do your best as well.]

Ignoring that obvious insult, Oshawott took in a deep breath to gather his Water power and spewed from his mouth a concentrated column of water. The blast hit the target in the bull's eye dead on, making a major dent in the circle and bending the post back a bit. The impact made the others jump a bit from the sound.

To finish things off, Oshawott removed the Scalchop from the suction of his bellybutton and held it before him with both of his paws. Concentrating his power on the shell, a blue aura appeared on the Scalchop and stretched into a sharp Shell Blade, hardening into a solid. Hilda and the others were intrigued by where this was going.

With his weapon ready, Oshawott sprung up into the air and began his descent towards the target with his Shell Blade held above himself. When the moment and position was right, Oshawott brought down his blade on the target and, as he fell to the ground, sliced through it down the middle. Landing gracefully, he made the Shell Blade disappear and swung around to stick the Scalchop back on his bellybutton. Behind him, the target, post and all, split in half and fell to each side. As per usual, everyone else was speechless, including Snivy (not that he would admit it).

Hilda was the one to break the silence. "That… was… awesome!" she managed to say with building elation as she ran over to Oshawott. She squatted to look him in the eye. "Those were some really slick moves. That last one was a real killer most of all."

Oshawott made a bashful look on his face as he laughed. [I'm glad you liked it,] he said, glad to have made a great impression. [Though I must admit that I wasn't really giving it my all.]

"If that was you going easy," started Hilda as she stood up, "then I can hardly wait to really see you in action." Just then, she saw a nervous expression appeared on Oshawott's face, making her concerned. "Is there something wrong?"

Realizing he's setting off alarms, Oshawott tried to hide his misgivings the best he could. [Nothing's wrong at all. In fact, I look forward to showing what else I can do in battle.]

Snivy sniffed and rolled his eyes at such a lie while Tepig got concerned for his friend.

Hilda was still concerned but thought it best not to push it. "Oh, okay," she said. "I think Mom should be done making breakfast, right about now."

"Finally," Bianca chimed in. "I didn't get to eat much of anything at home." She eyed Cheren glaringly as they all turned to walk back to the house. "At least I would've in due time."

"At your pace?" quipped Cheren. "Don't make me laugh." Just as he touched the backdoor's knob, they all hear someone clear their throat and looked to their left where Minnie had the hose turned on and in her paws.

[My apologies for the inconvenience,] said Minnie with a smile on her face, [but outside is where you're most susceptible to grim and germs. Something I absolutely cannot tolerate.]

[Oh, good grief,] said Snivy. This time, nobody could blame him.

Now assuming you managed to trudge threw all that tripe, please tell me what you thought.
 

Cutlerine

Gone. May or may not return.
1,030
Posts
14
Years
leaving a big, smoldering dent in the bull's eyes.

That ought to be singular: there is only one bullseye on a target.

Realizing he's setting off alarms, Oshawott tried to hide his misgivings the best he could.

Rather than "he's", I'd put "he was" - otherwise you automatically read it as a contraction of "he is", which is disconcerting.

[My apologies for the inconvenience,] said Minnie with a smile on her face, [but outside is where you're most susceptible to grim and germs. Something I absolutely cannot tolerate.]

I'm not entirely convinced by this. Is this person going to drench them all purely because they've been outside? It seems... a disproportionate reaction, to say the least. Also, "grim" ought to be "grime".

I think you lay on Snivy's superiority a little thickly - you don't have to remind us of his arrogance every time he's mentioned, and in fact the way that you do makes it less convincing. It's better in the parts where you show it to us - as when he says that he doesn't need applause - than when you mention it directly through those parenthetical remarks. One or two of those would be fine, but so many instances veers towards overuse.

Overall, it's not a bad scene, but I'm not sure it stands alone well; it probably needs to be taken in context.

Now for something from me. This is a scene from something I wrote a while ago; the year is 1905, the place is London, and a Massachusetts cat and an English thief are stealing Queen Victoria's soul from those who embezzled it on her deathbed in order to ransom it back to the Royal Family.

Spoiler:
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
This was a little more than a passage. :P

I must say, I think this is the first time I've read something by you, and I'm really impressed. However, I would have enjoyed a little more backstory on this. Like the genre, what makes it different from today's world, what species the main characters were (cat people?), stuff like that. I was very confused in the beginning because I was deciphering what actually existed in this world. Without further ado, let us begin.

(It might have been called foolhardy to attempt to enter the Bank straight away, without more preparation, more refinement of the plan, more casing of the joint. Isidore did not care: he was full of the confidence of youth, and besides, how could one case the Bank of Asphodel any more than he already had done? He could not have done so without actually breaking into it, at which point he might as well just have gone ahead with the finished plan. Besides, time was of the essence: every day that the erstwhile Queen's soul resided in the Bank's vaults, its masters came a little closer to leaving London, and taking the better part of its wealth with them.)
I've never been a huge supporter of parenthesis in stories, but they do make sense in some occasions. However, I must say that an entire paragraph might be excessive. There were a couple other paragraphs wrapped by parenthesis, but I didn't quote them because it's more of a style critique than anything else. And that's up to you to do something about it.

He blinked the sweat from his eyes and cleared his head with practised ease, as if he were about to change personality; Isidore Swan was not a brave man by nature – in fact, he possessed a remarkable aptitude for slithering away out of windows or half-open doors when real trouble raised its head – but he valued the appearance of bravery as much as he valued the appearance of expertise, or the appearance of wealth. Appearances were all that other people could see of you, after all; what was on the inside wasn't worth a damn.
I really enjoyed this paragraph. I enjoyed all of it, but this paragraph really stood out. It was written well and I got to learn more about Isodore's mind. I like the way you described it instead of just saying "Isodore was a shallow person".

It was excruciatingly hot here, too, but after the vault it felt like stepping into a cool breeze.
I don't think that first comma belongs there. The second one does, but the first one doesn't need to be there as "too" is reliant on the first half of the sentence.

The only critique I have of the passage as a whole is that I think you lay the metaphors on a little thick in the beginning. More specifically, the dragon and the omni-bus. The dragon one was more prominent and the reason I say that it was too much was because by the end of the metaphor, I was almost convinced the building itself was a dragon. What confused me about the omnibus was this:
Isidore Swan shouldered Charles Devereaux aside and slipped into the driver's seat.
I thought John Smith was driving the omnibus at this moment in time.

The omnibus I'm not really concerned about, but other readers might find it just a tad too thick. I like your metaphors. I think they're very accurate and add a lot to the story, but I feel like you drag them out for too long a couple times. More of a personal preference, but thought I would point it out all the same.

As stated before, I would have liked a little more backstory before I started reading, but no matter. This was really good. Your showing rather than telling, which is always a great sign. The description paints the scene very well and I wanted to know more. Not because I was confused, but rather because I'm genuinely curious about this world you created.

Overall, a really good passage. It's polished, it flows well, and I didn't get lost. If this were a chapter to a story or something, I would probably read a lot more if I had the time. Nice job, this is really good.
 

Warrior Rapter

Dinosaur Pokemon Trainer
209
Posts
15
Years
I have an unfinished story I'd like to put on here, partly to see how more people like it, partly to motivate myself to continue it. I've got enough of it done that I could probably post a chapter a week for a few months. Anyway, it might sound a bit generic, but means I've had my screen name for a long time, I've always wanted to write a story to flesh out the name. Here's the first chapter:


The sun's glow upon the leaves of the forest mixed well with the cool autumn breeze flowing between the trees. The colors were a vibrant mixture of reds, greens, oranges, and yellows among the branches of the tall brown oaks, and even the shades seemed to provide their own palette of colors to the mix. A lone worker within the shade was chopping away wood from a tree he had downed near a week past.
He was a Velociraptor, unlike the humans that lived around the forest, his dark green scales and the long jagged black stripe down his back gave a sense of camouflage, but it was counteracted by the brown of his cloth shirt and the leather strap on his waist that held his dagger. He swung the woodsman's ax, splitting the wood it hit into two halves. He put the two halves onto a pile of his other gatherings for the day, and as he gazed up at the sun between the leaves, decided to head home with is workload. He shouldered his ax, picked up a handle of the barrow, and wheeled it on to his forest home.
When he pulled his collection next to the side of his house, he looked over the clearing on that side, some of which he had cleared himself, and smirked. He had much of the clearing for practicing combat, using combat dummies he made out of some of the extra wood he harvested. He also had a large boulder with a flat top that he would lay on to bask in the sun. He looked back up at the sun through the oval shape sky above the clearing, and decided against basking at the time. He unloaded the barrow, placing the wood neatly piled next to his house. He put the ax leaning against the pile with the blade up off the ground to help prevent rust and bug juices. He went inside to grab his wooden practice sword and practiced his attacks, defenses, and stances until his scaly skin glistened with sweat. He looked back up the sun and decided to use the rest of the time before it hid behind the trees to bask before heading into the house to sleep for the night.

* * *

Cloaked figures huddled around a campfire that night. Several had missing teeth, most looked as though this was not their first night sleeping on dirt and grass. They had a rabbit skewered over the fire, roasting, though it was hard to tell it was a rabbit anymore. Their clothes were as dark as their attitudes towards each other except one among them. That one had an air of authority about him, however dark his means and looks was. One of the others, with two gaps on his upper teeth and one in the middle of his lower, looked up to the man while his hand strayed toward yanking the last leg off of the rabbit.
"So, your plan to take out the beastly fella' what live in this forest, what it be?" he said before he began to chew on the rabbit leg.
"What business is it of yours, it ain't your plan, now is it, Snapjaw?" replied one of the others of their gang, this one with gaps on both sides of his mouth.
"Shush, Monger, I was asking Bismarq, mean he's the boss, not you." Snapjaw replied before taking another bite out of the rabbit leg.
"Why I oughta..." Monger said, drawing the dagger from his belt. Within a matter of seconds, all of the cloaked figures had stood up, daggers drawn and threatening each other. All except Bismarq. He sat for a moment, watching his ragtag bunch of thieves threaten each other like a bunch of children.
"Sit down, all o' ya," he said in a commanding tone. The cloaked figures considered him for a moment before complying, daggers back on their belts. When Bismarq was satisfied with the result, he continued, "Now, as for my plan for the reptilian bastard, I plan to skewer his heart with me dagger, much like that rabbit be skewered over the fire. Then I plan to gut him, just to see what be inside. And, when all that be said and done, I plan to let him rot where he lay. These forests be better without the likes o' him, especially for us bandits. We could use that little clearing o' his to get proper training for louts like you, as a command post for attacking that human town o' Hemlaq. I even plan to make his house me own when I've killed him. Any o' ya argue with the plan, I'll kill yer too, understood." The others hastily made their agreements with Bismarq's plan, after which he added, "Now rest up, ya lazy slobs. We attack on the morrow." Every cloaked figure around the fire began to laugh.
 

Konekodemon

The Master of Pokemon Breeding
2,074
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 39
  • NC
  • Seen Nov 20, 2023
Here's another sample this time from my Inuyasha fic,'Tales of the Western Lands'. A sample from Chapter 1. PLEASE! Leave me some feedback this time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

While elsewhere,"Lord Sesshomaru!" Jaken called out from Sesshomaru's two headed trusty beast, Ah-Un,"Lord Sesshomaru! Where are you!?" He looked towards the ground below as he continued calling out,"Please answer! Please answer me!"

A thought then struck him,"Is it possible that Lord Sesshomaru was cut down in battle when he went to fight Inuyasha? Speaking of cut down, why should I care if he was cut down or not! He used me as a guinea pig in his sword experiment! And hit me with the Tenseiga to see if it would cut me though or not! He said he was testing the sword, but I'm sure he was just teasing me!"

Jaken pulled on Ah-Un's reins and as he started heading down into a field of flowers he said,"He wouldn't of struck me if there was any doubt that I would be revived." Ah-Un, then landed onto the ground. Jaken got off and the beast laid down to take a nap. Jaken picked a daisy and sit next to Ah-Un starting to pick the petals as he mumbled out loud,"He was testing...he was teasing...he was testing...he was teasing...he was testing...he was teasing." Then suddenly he was down to only one petal and gulped in fear,"He was testing...HE WAS TESTING!"

Jaken then got angry as he jumped up onto Ah-Un's back yelling,"Lord Sesshomaru, would you have really risked my life to test your sword! You ungrateful dog!" Just then a rock came flying up, hitting Jaken in the back of the head, making him fall off, of Ah-Un's back. Jaken yelled as he fell off, waking up Ah-Un who looked around in wonder, of what just happened.

Jaken then jumped up, back onto Ah-Un, getting onto the beast's head, spotting Sesshomaru walking up. He guessed it was him, who threw the rock just now,"Lord Sesshomaru, before I continue in your service, were you actually testing your sword on me!?"

Sesshomaru sighed in respond,"I expected a warm welcome from you, Jaken. Not an interrogation."

Jaken turned pale at that as he laughed a bit,"Oh right! I'm glad you're well. I thought you might be dead."

Sesshomaru picked up another rock throwing it at Jaken again, once again hitting the poor toad demon, in the head making him once again fall off of Ah-Un. Sesshomaru was about to go over and kick Jaken, when a familiar scent assaulted his nose,'Blood, and the smell of wolves,' he thought to himself. He then gasped,"I recognize this blood."

Jaken got up,"Y...You do!" Sesshomaru turned as he started walking away from Jaken,"Milord! Wait for me!" He yelled following after Sesshomaru's retreating form, leaving Ah-Un there, where the beast just fell back to sleep. The two came upon, Rin laying down on the ground, where she was dead,"Uh oh! She's a goner that's for sure. She must of been attacked by wolves." Jaken walked up to Rin, looking her over,"Look at the teeth marks. Do you recognize this pathetic human?"

Sesshomaru didn't answer Jaken, just stood there as a flash of Rin smiling and giggling at him with one tooth missing, entered his mind. Just then he felt Tenseiga pulsing at his side. All too curious, Sesshomaru pulled it out,"Sire, what are you doing!?" Jaken gasped.

Sesshomaru, ignored Jaken as he held out the Tenseiga and started mumbling to himself out loud,"Interesting," he said, as some weird underworld beasts appeared around Rin's body. They were wrapping chains around her body, getting ready to drag her away to the afterlife,"I can see them. They are from the underworld."

"Uh..you can?" Jaken questioned, confused by what Sesshomaru was saying. He looked and didn't see anything at all.

Suddenly Sesshomaru mumbled,"I'll do another test. I'll use the Tenseiga."

Jaken gasped,"Another test! What are you doing sire? What are you doing!" He watched as Sesshomaru swung his sword down onto Rin's dead form, killing the creatures from the underworld.

Sesshomaru then leaned down, as he pulled Rin into his one arm, and waited to see what would happen next. Both him and Jaken gasped in shock, as Rin moaned and opened her eyes,"Y..You saved me!" The girl gasped, actually talking, tears in her eyes.

'She's spoken!' Sesshomaru gasped in his head.

Jaken was shocked,"She's come back to life!" As he said that, Rin wiggled free out of Sesshomaru's arm. Her injuries she had gotten before she died was also all healed up. It was like she'd never gotten a single scratch on her. She grasped her doll in her hand by its arm as she stood there,"Lord Sesshomaru, you resurrected this human girl, with the power of the Tenseiga?"

Sesshomaru sighed, ignoring Jaken,"What is your name?" He asked the kid.

"Rin," said the girl, gripping her doll, in her hand,"I have an older sister, Sakura who's at the next town. Could..you..could you take me to her?" She gripped her doll, as she gave off a hopeful look. Sesshomaru sighed as he just nodded, his head, agreeing to Rin's request. He then got up and started walking away.

"Lord Sesshomaru?" Jaken questioned,"Lord Sesshomaru, saving a human child is surprising enough. But more importantly, didn't Lord Sesshomaru just say he was going to test the power of Tenseiga once again? T..T...That means I was cut down with no guarantee for survival! And to think, I devoted myself to you all these years!"

As Jaken started mumbling wondering how Sesshomaru could do that to him, Rin gripping her doll by one arm, ran ahead of him, following after Sesshomaru, catching up to him and walking beside him,"I just don't understand it!" Jaken kept sobbing. Then he noticed he was being left behind again,"Wait Lord Sesshomaru, I'm coming!" Jaken gasped following after Rin and Sesshomaru.

'Tenseiga, you compelled me to save a human life today,' Sesshomaru thought, as he looked down at Rin, walking beside him. She grinned up at him giggling again. The tooth that had been missing before was back in her mouth,'And now I must take her to her sister. It's too dangerous to leave her here. Why I'm even bothering, I don't know. But I will find out.' The group of three walked on as Sesshomaru thought this.
 
10,175
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17
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  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
This little bit is an unused portion of my pet project, Long Twilight Struggle: Heirs of the First Revolution. (You might be a history nerd if you get where the title comes from.) I decided to share it here because what else am I going to do with it?

It's the beginning of chapter five, though. I was completely stuck on how to begin this chapter, and this was my last attempt before I figured out the way that worked. This one was a little too much dialogue, and it worked better when I cut down on the amount of characters to start with.

Spoiler:
 
221
Posts
10
Years
Spoiler:



I'm in middle of looking for a new hobby. I'm trying to stop drifting through life (and start swimming). Writing might be my next hobby; it was a previous hobby when I used to rp. Please rate my draft and give pointers if you can.
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
@Fading Tree
Rain drops crash against on your face.
I would give this sentence another read. I think you tried to combine two phrases here, and it sounds awkward. I would get rid of "on", to make the sentence flow a bit better.

One thing I noticed is that you're telling, not showing. Despite the second person viewpoint, I don't feel very immersed in the scene. The only thing I know is that there's a thunderstorm going on, and that the champion was murdered. Right now, you're telling us this information. Since I work best with examples, here's what I mean:
You head towards the epicenter of sound to find a CHAMPION defeated and their pokemon murdered.
You're telling us that the champion has been defeated. Don't tell us, show us. This is arguably the hardest thing about writing, but I'll try my best to give an introduction.

Try asking the six basic question, who, what, when, where, why, and how? Taking the time to answer these six question for each scene can really help getting a picture of what's happening in your mind. And when there's a picture in your mind, it can be transferred into words. Who murdered the pokemon? What were they doing in order for the pokemon to be murdered? When did this take place? Where are they? Why is everyone getting murdered around here? How are they being killed off? Questions like these really help. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try to provide an example of what I'm talking about.
You find yourself running towards the source of the thunder, your heart beating in your throat. As you approach the scene, you drop to your knees. The champion lay ahead of you, surrounded by his pokemon. Blood from the pokemon mixed with the rain as it ran down their faces, staining the earth.

"Dragonite, use Thunder!" A man calls above the howling storm.

Tears run down your face as the attack is launched towards the champion. Electricity envelopes the tortured figure, as the champion screams out in pain. The screams rip into your ears and fill your head. You cover your ears and lay down on the ground, unable to take any more. Eventually, the screams stop, and you look up. The body of the champion now lay lifeless on the ground, joining his pokemon in his eternal silence.
So, something along the lines of that. It's your job as the writer to immerse your reader into the scene. It's nearly impossible to do that when you're telling, so you have to show.

Hopefully I helped a little bit. I would also recommend letting your writing sit for at least a day, and then reading through it again. It will help a lot with picking up simple errors, and there were a couple more that I didn't point out. Overall, this isn't that bad. There's a lot to be improved on, but the story is there. I'm curious on why you chose second person for this though. It's a tricky viewpoint that can be very effective if used correctly, but can otherwise ruin a story. Anyway, good luck with future writing endeavors and I hope I helped!

@Astinus
I'm sorry, but it looks pretty good to me. I don't really have much feedback. D:
 
30
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10
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  • Age 35
  • Seen Jul 13, 2014
Okay so I may be used to people reviewing and such on fanfiction.net. A few not so helpful, while a lot are really good and honest. And some just flat out don't read past the first chapters and give the story a shot. I will warn ahead of time, that I am one of those rare I guess lol. Writers whose writing gets better and better, as I make more and more chapters X D I will say though, despite reviewers being harsh or not very helpful with their reviews and constantly saying, I should quite my writing thats annoying. They will constantly say that my plot and ideas are great lol. So...yeah feed backs are very wonky over there.

Any way I have attempted to write a Pokemon fanfic back when I was 16 and had posted on Serebii.net...only for a lot of people giving me a horrible time and such about my writing, and how I was copying the show and everything and yadda, yadda instantly saying my story is horrible without even reading the next chapter or so on. Along with telling me that i shouldn't bother writing journey fics, because they are always the same. Let's be honest here...WHAT first chapter wouldn't start the same, with a new trainer getting their starter Pokemon from Professor whoever. While then they head on out and have a somewhat hard time on their first time out of the town.

But yeah enough of that, and that I have rebooted the stories. into a little bit more personal story, and well. I am planning of posting it up here. But I have already finished Chapter 1 and well...I wouldn't mind if you guys can take a look at it. I have used Microsoft words and such, so please take in mind that this program isn't the best. When deciphering past, present and future tense...as that seems to be my worst enemy when writing. My grammar...I can't tell cause to me it looks fine, but then I get people who are from collage or uni telling me otherwise and saying my first language of english is horrible. So yeah...I just hope this community isn't as bad as Serebii... So without further adieu here's chapter one. Also to take note, this is not copying the anime with the whole Pikachu thing...so please don't think that way okay lol XD I grew up with Yellow version as a kid, before my brother took my Red version ^^; OH real quick, this chapter has been done last week.

Spoiler:
 
221
Posts
10
Years
Spoiler:
Snippet Revised
Spoiler:



I wrote the story in 2nd person because I was going for the view point of a player, and I didn't want to include any genders. I'm getting into writing. I'm told to write about what you like. I like simple stories with some revenge, forgiveness, romance, and action,
 
171
Posts
10
Years
This is my Prologue to my fanfic Pokemon: Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
 
Last edited:

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
Okay guys, please remember that this is a thread for fragments of works. Which means that this isn't the place to be posting entire prologues/chapters. Those belong in threads of their own.

@Fading Tree:

It's probably just personal preference, but I wouldn't use "him/her". It's just something I advise against as there are better ways of saying you can't identify the gender of a certain character.

I would also give that another read-through. There are a few mistakes and incomplete sentences that I think you would be able to catch. Remember to let it sit for at least a day before posting it. I struggle with that so much because I'm so excited that I just finished something, that I just have to post it, but it's worth it of you wait. I guarantee that you'll catch at least a couple mistakes each time.

Other than that, I feel like you're getting the hang of it. I would continue working on it and experimenting on which writing technique works for you. You're starting to grasp showing v telling, but keep what I said in mind. If you do that, then your biggest learning experience will be more writing and reading. Make sure to read both good and bad examples of writing, as they can both help you.
 
30
Posts
10
Years
  • Age 35
  • Seen Jul 13, 2014
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
Don't worry, I don't tolerate flames or put-downs of any sort. This is supposed to be a place where anyone can come and post their writing without fear of being laughed at. As long as I have anything to say about it, there will be no bullying here whatsoever.
 
30
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10
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  • Age 35
  • Seen Jul 13, 2014
And I am glad you having the mind set on that and everything. Well...I guess when I build up the courage, I will post Chapter one on here someday. I just hope journey type Pokemon fanfics aren't as hated than they are at this other Pokemon forums.

Lol though I will state this, whenever I start new stories with the first chapter being posted up. Despite me going through the chapter over the past three days or so. Might come out a little bad or feel slow lol. I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol. Although I have been in a big mood, of reading a good "Journey" fanfic XD
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
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PokemonTrainerRobert said:
I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol.
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.
 
30
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10
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  • Age 35
  • Seen Jul 13, 2014
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.

Hm that is a good point, so I guess I wouldn't say rare then lol. I just don't know exactly how to put that into better term. Cause there are times, where some chapters despite them being better than the last one. Some time the next chapter, may not be as great as the one before it....I don't know hard to really put it in better terms XD.

The only thing I don't want everyone claiming, is that I am copying from the anime or games : / Cause that saying gets really annoying after awhile, on the account trying to think of a great way for a beginner trainer. Getting their starter Pokemon, can be quite hard to type out. Without the plot having said trainer getting their starters from Oak. As well as every single town and cities are from the show and game. But with the author actually putting the time, making different scenarios.

But eh I'll post the first chapter tomorrow or probably really late tonight. Since it's 1am XD But thanks...I will make a quick note and say that, I ain't the best when making fast updates. Usually takes me awhile to get the next chapter done. Along with staying motivated lol.
 

G.R. Snail

Gorgeously Rendered
2
Posts
10
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  • Age 29
  • Seen Apr 4, 2014
I've been walking, well, more like limping down this track for what seemed like days. When I'd set off from the cabin, the sun was very much up, but now as I looked around myself I saw that the night had truly crept in, and it was rather uninvited. There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it. Still, I had a job to do and I was damn sure going to do it better than she tried to do it anyway. I'm tearing up at the mere thought of her, of her failure, my vision blurring which didn't help with the darkness of the skies. Pushing all thought of her, of her failure, out of my mind I trudged onward, determined to find him and bring him home.

It's a funny thing, desperation. Much like the darkness, you don't really notice it until you've been forced to acknowledge it and by that point, there's nothing you can do to ignore it. It's in the very back of your head, clawing away at all the common sense there once was and replacing it with a blind, unquenchable desperation.

As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless. I was almost about to turn around half an hour ago, but I had to keep going. Or at least, I think it was half an hour ago. I've sort of lost track of the time, it seems like it's been an eternity. Small, sharp twigs are embedded in my bleeding, raw feet and I feel as though all liquid in my body has completely dried up, leaving me as barren as a desert landscape. Why, why did he have to come down here? Why couldn't she have just found him? If she did, they would've both come back home days ago and I wouldn't have to be walking down here.

Or, at least I think they would've been back days ago. I'm... I'm not quite sure anymore. I keep walking.

So I'm in the process of writing up the first part of my 'Snail Tale' collection, and while I didn't really want to post any of the unfinished work here I did want to post something. So I present to you, The Track. I'm suffering from some horrible writers block, which is actually why I've semi-halted the progression of 'Snail Tale', so this little story is probably going to be really bad, but hey, it's all I've got to offer right now! Hope you enjoy, feedback is appreciated. :)
 

Meksal

What do you mean this thing is priceless? *Nom nom
340
Posts
10
Years
Since GameFreak can't be bothered to clarify why there seems to be two gods, Arceus and Mew, i've started writing this book. See what you think!


Spoiler:
 
171
Posts
10
Years
Here's a preview of Chapter 2 of Pokemon Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:


There will be real world elements in it, like Coca-cola, hunting, and romance among other things. Please tell me what you think about it, in my thread, thank you in advance.
 
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