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Red's New Journey:The Hoenn League

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Roy-Kun

t i t l e g o e s h e r e
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well this is mixed with Manga and Anime ok? i hope that you like it ^^

Chapter one: New quest! Everything already!



A new day arrives to pallet town and everything is peaceful. A young teenager was ready to start his new journey and he wanted some of his friends to come?

?I?m ready for this! Are you guys coming?? Red yelled very excited

?I think I?ll go later Red? A boy replied. His name was Gold

?Aw man! Come on! Anybody will come?? Red asked again

?We?ll go later Red? A guy of Red?s age replied. His name was Green

?Ok then? I?ll see you later then!? Red said

?You can count on it!? A girl a bit younger than him yelled. Her name was Yellow

?Ok bye guys!? Red replied while he headed to a boat that will take him to Hoenn.

?Whoa! Hey Pika! You want to come with me too?? Red asked.

?Pika pi!? The yellow mouse replied. It was a Pikachu but his nickname was Pika.

?Ok! Let?s go!? Red yelled.

Red was heading to the Seafoam Islands while he thought:

?Ok now I?m going with Pika and Saur. I will start my new journey and everything will go only great!?

Red arrived to the Seafoam Islands and he took his boat that will take him to Hoenn. While he received a call on his Pokegear.

?Hello?? Red said.

?Hey! I want to tell you that I?ll be the first one that will be with you!? It was Gold.

?Sure? Great! When will you be there?? Red asked.

?I?m right behind you!? Gold replied.

Red looked behind him and he didn?t saw anything.

?Ha-ha! Fooled ya! Anyways I?ll be there tomorrow.? Gold said.

?You will never change? Ok!? Red replied while he turned off his Pokegear.

Meanwhile in the boat he only was thinking of how great will be the Hoenn region with many new Pokemon that he never seen before.

?Hey Pika. I?m so excited? Red said to his Pikachu.

?Pika Pika? The mouse Pokemon replied.

?Thanks buddy.? Red said.

Red was reading a guide of the Hoenn region: suddenly the night arrived. Red was ready to take his nap while he was returning his Pikachu to his Poke ball but?

?Pika! Come back!? Red yelled.

Pika dodged the beam that came out of the Poke ball.

?What? Hey Pika want to sleep with me?? Red asked.

The Pokemon nodded his head to a yes.

?Ok.? Red replied.

Red and Pika quickly fell to sleep.

The morning arrived and the captain said.

?Attention passengers we arrived to Littleroot town. Please disembark the boat if you are leaving here?

?Ok. It?s time!? Red thought.

Red disembarked the boat and he thought:

?Well first I must go to the Prof. Birch?s lab. Ok.?

Red quickly called to Prof. Birch?s lab and his helper answered the call.

?Hello? Is Prof. Birch in his lab?? Red asked

?No sorry he is now researching some Pokemon! He will come back soon.? The helper replied

?Then? which is the direction?? Red asked

?The lab is near the woods. Come here and wait for the professor please.? The helper said

?Ok? Red replied

Meanwhile a new trainer was heading to Littleroot town.

?Ok so I?ll choose my starter and then I will take the Pokemon League Challenge!? The girl thought. Her name was Sapphire.

Meanwhile... nearby the woods a boy was searching for Prof. Birch.

?I wonder where dad is? I hope that he isn?t having any problems...? The boy thought. His name was Ruby. He was Prof. Birch?s son.

Red was heading to the lab when he heard a voice:

?Help! Somebody help me!?

?What the?? Red thought. ?Better check.?

?Oh no! That?s the voice of dad!? Ruby yelled while he ran where the Prof. Birch was

To be continued?

--------------------------------

Well my evil twin helped me with some parts ^^ anyways any commens?
 

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric
8,246
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Now is a good idea to read the "read first" stickies up there before you prepare yourself for reviews. Also, try to read some good fanfics around the area. Read the award-winning fanfics to see what is it that they have yet your story do not. Try to find out what it is, then find a way to include that as part of your fanfic (or apply their technique into your fanfic.) Feel free to ask for help in the fanfic lounge ^^
 

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric
8,246
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20
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err... then for starters, read every single sticky in this forum except the fanfic lounge then
 

Breezy

Eee.
454
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19
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I've read this at the green forum. I just reviewed it too. :P Just read it there because I'm too lazy to copy and paste hehe. And yes, you can modify your first chapter. See the edit button to the bottom right of your post? Click that and it'll go to a box where you can edit your fic.
 

Breezy

Eee.
454
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19
Years
Silly Red-san. Even if you're not a pro writer (likely chance that if you are writing fanfiction, you are not pro), that doesn't mean I can't help you with your mistakes and such.

Unlike me who had to learn the hard way. >> Heh, yeah.
 

emeraldslay

Obsessed with Mew/writing
400
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20
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  • Age 31
  • Seen Aug 3, 2008
Maybe a little more structure could help your story. BTW, Green is supposed to be Red's rival, but you may of changed the charecters.
 

Roy-Kun

t i t l e g o e s h e r e
1,018
Posts
18
Years
well that's right, but he will not be there until further episodes

Anyways here's chapter 2 is quite long this time ^^;

Last chapter:

Red headed to the Hoenn region, before get on the boat that would take it to the Hoenn region Gold called him to tell that he will be in Hoenn tomorrow. In the boat Red?s Pikachu refused to get into his pokeball and Red decided to left him out of it. When Red arrived to Hoenn he decided to go to the Prof. Birch?s lab and meet him. But when he called the helper said that the Prof. wasn?t in the lab. Red asked to go to the lab. Then he decided to go and wait to the Prof. While a new trainer is heading to Littleroot Town very excited to start her journey, that was Sapphire, while Birch?s son: Ruby was searching for him he heard his dad?s voice, he was in danger! Red heard that too and decided to go and check what?s going on. Now? the next chap?

Chapter two: Everything ready to start!



Ruby was trying to find his father that he suspected that he was on trouble, Red was doing the same but he doesn?t know that it was the Prof. Birch.

?Dad! There you are! Whoa!? Ruby yelled because he saw that his dad was in trouble: Two Pok?mon were chasing him. Then?

?Oh no! That man is in trouble!? Red yelled.

?Huh?? Ruby looked around and he saw Red.

?Hey Ruby! Quick grab my pack in there!? Prof. Birch yelled while he was pointing his pack near to a tree.

?Ok Dad!? Ruby replied

Ruby quickly ran to grab his dad?s pack but a Pok?mon jumped and tried to attack Ruby

?Look out! Quick Pika use quick attack!? Red yelled and Pika quickly tackled the Pok?mon that it fled by the hit.

?Thanks!? Ruby said

?What was that Pok?mon?? Red asked

?I think it?s a Poochyena? Ruby replied ?Oh the pack!? Ruby quickly nodded his head and grabbed the pack. ?I have it dad!?

?Good now use one of the Pok?mon inside the pokeballs!? Birch yelled

?Ok! Let?s see?? Ruby was checking which pokeball to use ?I pick this one! Go!? Ruby threw the pokeball and a Pok?mon popped out of it. ?Great a Mudkip!? Ruby thought.

?You will need help! I?ll try helping you ok?? Red said

?Ok thanks!? Ruby said

?Ok Pika! Now use Quick attack on that Poochyena!? Red commanded

?Now Mudkip, use your tackle attack on the other one!? Ruby commanded and both Pok?mon hit both Poochyena but still they can battle

?Hey I know that there is an attack that can beat them but? what was it?? Ruby thought

?Maybe water gun?? Red asked

?Yes! That attack! Now Mudkip use water gun!? Ruby commanded

?Help with Thunderbolt Pika!? Red quickly commanded

Both attacks combined to attack both Pokemon, when those attacks stroke both Poochyena they ran away.

?Yes! We did it!? Ruby yelled very excited ?Oh right! Dad!? Ruby thought while he helped his dad ?Dad, are you alright??

?Yes Ruby, I?m fine? Birch replied

?Excuse me? but you are the Prof. Birch?? Red asked

?Yes, I?m the Professor Birch, Pok?mon researcher? Birch replied

?Great I?m Red, from Pallet Town, maybe you know about the Prof. Oak? Red said

?Well I heard of him? Birch replied ?Oh my! Better go to the lab!?

Then Red, Ruby and Prof. Birch went to the lab. Meanwhile Ruby asked to Red

?Pallet town is in the Kanto Region right??

?Yes you?re right? Red replied

?I Wish I could travel there?? Ruby said

?If you are going to travel with Pok?mon, maybe you can come with me when I go back to Kanto!? Red replied

?I?m very lucky! I?m about to start my journey!? Ruby said

?That?s great! How old are you?? Red asked

?I?m 11 years old, I was studying Pok?mon yet at the 10 years, but I need more to learn yet? Ruby replied

?I can help you, when I was starting my journey, I was bad? Red said

?Ok!? Ruby yelled very happy

?Ok here we are, lab sweet lab? Birch said

Birch entered to the lab first and he surprised by seeing that Sapphire was waiting

?Oh hi Sapphire! Sorry I was late, I had some troubles? Birch said

?No problem Prof.! Now? can I pick my starter?? Sapphire asked

?Yes! You and Ruby will check your starters? Birch replied

?Dad I think I?ll keep the Mudkip? Ruby said

?Ok if you want? Birch said

?Thanks a lot dad!? Ruby yelled very excited

?Now Sapphire? these Pok?mon left: Treecko and Torchic, which one will you choose?? Birch asked

?I have decided since the beginning, I?ll choose Torchic!? Sapphire said

?Ok, here? Birch said while he gave Sapphire the pokeball containing the Torchic. ?Both Ruby and Sapphire, come here!? Birch yelled. ?Ok, here you have five pokeballs and your Pokedex, use them to get more information about the Pokemon? Birch explained

?Ok!? Both kids said in unison

?Hey Red, do you have a Pokedex?? Birch asked

?Yes, I have one, Prof. Oak gave it to me before I take my ferry? Red replied

?Ok! When are you kids start your journey?? Birch asked

?I?ll go with Red dad, I need to learn a bit more so I?ll go with him? Ruby said

?Ok, what about you Sapphire?? Birch asked

?I fell a bit tired now? I think I?ll go tomorrow? Sapphire said

?Then come with us! I?m waiting to a friend!? Red said

?Ok I?ll go with you too? Sapphire said

?hey Red, do you have a Pokegear?? Ruby asked

?Yeah!? Red said

?Give me your number? then I?ll call you? Ruby said

?Ok!? Red said while both boys exchanged numbers

?Thanks Red!? Ruby thanked

?No problem, now I must go to the port to wait my friend, when he arrives I?ll call you ok?? Red replied

?Ok! I?ll be here? Ruby said

?Just wait?? Red said and he left the lab.

Red decided to go to the Port waiting for Gold.

Red waited until the night to Gold?s arrival but it seems that he didn?t came

?Man where is he?? Red thought meanwhile a shadow appeared behind him

?Booo!? Gold yelled

?Ah! Hey Gold!? Red said

?Hi Red!? Gold said when both gave to each other a hug

?Man I thought that you will never come here? Red said very happy

?I was trying to make a joke? Gold said

?Same old Gold? Whatever I must call my new friend now!? Red said

?Ok! Where does he lives?? Gold asked

?That?s why I?m calling? Red said

Ruby?s Pokegear started to Vibrate and he answered

?Hello??

?Hey Ruby where are you?? Red asked

?Hi Red! Well I?m in my house! Want to come?? Ruby asked

?Yeah! Where do you live?? Red asked

?Just check for the house that says: Birch?s house? Ruby replied

?Ok! See ya there!? Red said

?Ok!? Ruby yelled very happy

?Let?s go!? Red said

Red was searching for Ruby?s house, he founded it in a way too long from the port.

While he was searching the house, he founded Sapphire in the Street.

?hey Sapphire, want to come with us to Ruby?s house?? Red asked

?Sure, I need a place to take a rest, maybe he will let me sleep there? Sapphire replied

Now Red, Gold and Sapphire headed to Ruby?s house

?Ok here it is? Red thought

Then Red knocked the door and Ruby opened the door

?Welcome? Ruby said

?Where?s your dad?? Sapphire asked

?He left the house because he went to the casino? Ruby said

?So? we are alone?? Gold asked ?Oh sorry! My name is Gold?

?Hi my name is Ruby, so you are Red?s friend right?? Ruby asked

?Yes? Gold replied

?Hey want to play Nintendo Gamecube?? Ruby asked

?You have a Gamecube?? Red, Gold and Sapphire asked very surprised

?Yep, and I have many games, want to play?? Ruby asked

?Sure!? Red replied

?Count on it!? Gold yelled

?It depends of what kind of games do you have? Sapphire said

?Ok come!? Ruby said

To be continued...

--------------------------
I worked a bit more in this chap. i hope that you like it and i prefer more dialogue ok?
 

emeraldslay

Obsessed with Mew/writing
400
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20
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  • Age 31
  • Seen Aug 3, 2008
Ok, I'm taking something directly from the writing FAQ. Please, read it and apply to further chapters.

Frostweaver said:
Pokemon Battling Scenes


Pokemon battling can be an important scene for your story. It has actions and can be very influential for the characters, such as winning a title. However, there is one thing to avoid when you're describing Pokemon battling- anime battling.

Anime battling- A way a fanfic writer describes a Pokemon battling scene, as if it is a battle from the anime. Anime battling relies heavily on trainer's commands within conversations, and usually lacks description in the Pokemon itself. Anime battling focuses on the trainers giving the commands, rather than seeing the Pokemon in action (as if you're watching the anime and you can see the Pokemon battle, so the writer didn't bother with much work in the Pokemon). The Pokemon trainers say an unnecessary lots, making the battling scene feeling very laggy and boring. Trainers also like to say "anime lines" (corny lines) such as "try to get up," "you earn yourself a good rest" and all other battling boring phrases.


Anime battling will be something like...:

"Go Alakazam!" exclaimed Trainer A as he throw out a red and white sphere. Alakazam came out and eyed his opponents.

"Go Tauros" shouted Trainer B. Her Tauros was let loose from the Pokeball.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack!" said Trainer A as his Pokemon launched the psychic attack right at Tauros.

"Oh no Tauros hang on! Don't give up!" shouted Trainer B as her Tauros got back on his feet. "Alright now counter it with horn attack!"

"Alakazam use teleport to escape!" said Trainer A. Alakazam dodged out of the horn attack.

"You're doing great Tauros! Keep chasing it down with horn attack!" commanded Trainer B as her Tauros launched multiple horn attacks at the psychic Pokemon.

"No Alakazam we cannot lose this gym battle! Use your disable to stop it!"

<repeat crap like that for 60 more paragraphs>


As you see, the trainer does a lot more than the Pokemon which is terrible. We see them giving commands more than the battling itself. Very ugly... however, there are 2 methods on stopping yourself from anime battling.

a) don't use so much conversation commands

b) add in description (most important)

The above scene can be improved into something like this to escape anime battling...


A gym battle has begun in the city of <blank>, as the challenger Trainer A stepped up to the plate. At his call, a psychic Pokemon appeared on the scene, with its deadly psychic weapons ready to launch its fatal attacks. The gym leader reacted calmly at the intimidating scene, and summoned her raging Tauros out into the battlefield.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack now!"

The Pokemon obeyed the command as he raised up his hands, and a purple blast of energy was shot forward from its two metal spoons directly at the helpless Tauros in the blink of an eye. The bull Pokemon was forced onto the ground at the sheer power of the attack, and slid across the gym floor as the gym leader gasped at the power of the devastating psychic attack.


It's still a Pokemon battle, and trainers can still give commands. But this way it's a lot more entertaining.

Anime battling is sometimes purposely used for one of the trainer in a Pokemon battle (usually the loser of the battle) to indicate the fact that this trainer is an idiot. It's pretty much the only time when anime battling is allowed: to mock a trainer.

Pokemon battling should pack descriptions regarding the Pokemon. Describe how the attacks look like, and how the Pokemon reacts to various situations. Don't use a heavy amount of text bubbles for trainer commands. You can easily do the same thing through narration as demonstrated in the example. You can also talk about the emotions of the Pokemon, or the status of the Pokemon during the battle (ex: tired, enraged at its opponent, afraid of its opponent, etc).
 

O

Your Mom
1,261
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19
Years
I like the idea, but then again, Red and Gold aren't that close as you imagine them to be. And also, just a point, Norman is Ruby's dad, and Professor Birch is Sapphire's dad.
 

Roy-Kun

t i t l e g o e s h e r e
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18
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Outskate said:
I like the idea, but then again, Red and Gold aren't that close as you imagine them to be. And also, just a point, Norman is Ruby's dad, and Professor Birch is Sapphire's dad.
In SPPF told me the same, i know but... is a mix wth anime and manga, some things of anime will remain and some of manga too got it? well anyway here's chapter three (BTW i chose Red and Gold because they are my fav. characters)

Last chapter

Ruby was trying to help Prof. Birch when Red arrived there too, Ruby got his dad?s pack with the help of Red and rescued the Prof. with Pika and a Mudkip. After that Prof. Birch with Ruby and Red went to the lab. When they arrived, Sapphire was in there, she choose Torchic as her starter.. After that Red remembered that he had to wait for Gold in the port, before he went to the port he exchanged numbers with Ruby to call to each other. When Gold arrived, Red told him to go to a friend?s house, when Red and Gold were going to the house, they met with Sapphire, Red asked if she wanted to go with them and she agreed. When they arrived to the house only Ruby was in there, his dad was in the casino. After a while Ruby invited to Red and cia. To play with his Nintendo Gamecube. Now the next chapter?

Chapter three: problems with them...



Ruby lead the way to his room, Red was surprised because Ruby was very interested in the Pok?mon, meanwhile?

?Hey is this your Gamecube? It haves 4 Wawebirds Controls!? old asked very excited

?Yes it is. The wawebird controls were a gift of my dad by being a good student of Pok?mon? Ruby replied

Red was checking the view from Ruby?s window, it was amazing, many night Pokemon were around, like Hoot Hoot, some Dustox, and many more. Then Sapphire yelled to Red to call his attention

?Hey! What are you looking at? What aren?t you from this region??

?No, I?m from Kanto, this place looks like my home, the difference are the Pok?mon he-he?? Red replied in low voice

?Hey want to play this game?? Ruby asked while he was showing the game of Super Smash Bros Melee.

?Yes! That game is cool! I?m the best of my region!? Gold yelled

?Ok! I want to play that game again? Red said

?Here we go? Ruby said when he put the disk of the game in the Nintendo Gamecube

?Ok which control?? Sapphire thought

?I put a number to difference them, choose I pick this one? Ruby said while he pick the control with 1 written on it

?I choose this!? Gold said while he grabbed the one with a 3

?Maybe this one? Sapphire pick the one with a 2

?I choose the last one? Red said while he grabbed the last control

?Well all is ready! The game is Stock, only one life ok? Now choose your character.? Ruby said. ?I?ll pick Roy?

?I?ll pick? Link!? Red thought

?No way! This one is mine!? Sapphire said while she choose Link

?D4mn! Oh well? I?ll pick Young Link? Red picked that character

?I?ll pick my best character: Marth!? Gold said while he choose Marth to battle

?Ok the world will be: Hyrule! Ok?? Ruby asked

?Ok!? Everybody replied in unison

?Get ready! I?m good!? Ruby yelled

In the screen a temple appeared and there 4 things were in a materialization and there appeared the 4 characters that each one chose.

?Ok!? Everyone yelled

Young Link jumped and hit Link

?Hey!? Sapphire yelled

?That?s for picking Link? Red said

?Not so fast!? Gold said while Marth quickly ran and hit Young Link.

?What? Take this!? Red yelled while Young Link used his Spin Attack without thinking

?Here?s my chance!? Ruby thought while he made Roy hit both with it?s sword charged.

?No!? Gold yelled because Marth suffered more damage

?Now my turn!? Sapphire thought when she made Link quickly use the Spin Attack on Roy

?Now time to a counter!? Red yelled while Young Link charged to a smash attack and hit Roy sending it to fly.

?Yeah!? Gold thought while he Marth moved quickly and Gold used the combination of: <- + b, <- + b, <- + b, <- + b. And that sent Young Link flying

?Here?s coming? Ruby thought while Roy was ready with his charged sword, he was red and it started to shine. When Young Link fell to Roy?s place it was totally surrounded in fire and it attacked sending Young Link Flying and made it lose it?s only stock



?Darn. Oh well?? Red said

Meanwhile Link was fighting Marth, Marth was winning, then an item appeared

?It was time! Why so long?? Gold said angry

?Because I like when items appear lately.? Ruby replied

?Why? Is stupid? Gold said

?Don?t say is stupid you brat!? Ruby yelled

?Don?t call me brat!? Gold yelled

?Brat, brat, brat!? Ruby said and Gold got angry

?Ok I?ll end this quick and then I?m going to kick your butt!? Gold replied very angry

Marth jumped and grabbed a Bomb and threw it to Link, Link was 109% of damage, that bomb sent it flying and lose

?Now your turn?? Gold thought



Roy ran quickly to fight Marth, they stroke their swords and kept fighting, Roy swing his sword but Marth jumped and stroke it hard

?Not so fast beginner!? Ruby yelled while he made Roy ran and grabbed Marth, he stroke his with his sword twice and threw him to the air, then Ruby used Up + A and it made to Roy to raise his sword and made more damage to Marth, then another item appeared, it was another Bomb!

?What another one? You like bombs? Gold said

?Yeah! What a genius? Ruby yelled in high voice

?What did you said?? Gold asked

?You heard me!? Ruby replied

?Oh boy? kids? Red said in low voice

?So? They are alive yet! That?s boring, but I didn?t lose first after all? Sapphire said

?What do you mean?? Red asked

?You must get that!? Sapphire yelled

?Ok let?s end this!? Gold said

He moved toward the Bomb and grabbed it

?Take this!? Gold yelled while he made Marth throw the Bomb

?Ha! Fool? Ruby said while he made Roy jump toward to the bomb and he grabbed it on the air and threw it back to Marth

?No!? Gold yelled

Marth lose and Roy was the winner

?No! This is unfair! Let?s do it again!? Gold yelled

?Anytime! Anywhere!? Ruby replied

?How about here, now?? Gold asked very angry

?Sounds good to me!? Ruby yelled and both kids started to fight

Meanwhile Red and Sapphire were arguing? that?s the end of the day.

At the next day Red, Ruby, Sapphire and Gold were ready to go.

?Ok! I think I?ll take contest? Ruby thought

?Ha, coward? Gold said

?Heard that!? Ruby yelled

?Ok! I wanted you to hear that anyway? Gold replied

?Man this will be such a pain? Hey why don?t we split up?? Red said

?Ok!? Ruby and Gold said very angry

?Ruby you?ll travel with me and you Gold will travel with Sapphire ok?? Red asked

?Ok! If I don?t have to be with a prick!? Ruby said

?Anyway I?ll take the Pok?mon league challenge? Red said

?Then we are rivals! I?ll take that challenge too!? Sapphire yelled

?I won?t lose to a girl!? Red said

?I can beat even an older guy!? Sapphire yelled very angry

?You?ll lose!? Red yelled

?We?ll see that? Sapphire said while both groups decided to go in different roads and they went to get knowledge of the Pok?mon in Hoenn.

To be continued?

------------------------------

Sorry i was in a rush cos my dad allowed me to use the computer only by 30 minutes and i was trying to modify it to look it better, i hope that it looks better now. This chap explains the rivarily between Red and Sapphire, Ruby and Gold are kids and they hate to each other.... ah kids....
 

emeraldslay

Obsessed with Mew/writing
400
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20
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  • Age 31
  • Seen Aug 3, 2008
1. That chapter focused mainly on the videogame, which is terrible.
2.
Ahem... it's damn.
3.
?Ok! I think I?ll take contest? Ruby thought
if he thought it, then Gold woudn't hear.

Meh, I'm in a nitpicky mood today. Oh, and you MUST cut down on dialouge.
 
7,901
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20
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Sorry but better luck next time. Try to read those threads that have been stickied and just try to be more descriptive. Lessen the dialogue a bit. I have to close this for now because the rule says so.

*CLOSED*
 
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