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  #1    
Old March 15th, 2008, 05:59 PM
CrystalGlaceon's Avatar
CrystalGlaceon
Beginning Trainer
 
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Location: Snowpoint
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Well, here's a fanfic that I've been working on for the last two years. It's an OT one...but don't run away! My main focus is humor, although it can get quite serious at times. I think my characters are also pretty believable. It has, literally, twin protagonists. Although they travel and collect badges, it isn't because they want to be Pokemon Masters. It's because their overproud parents kind of forced them into it, not that they mind much.

(One more thing! Since I thought ten was too young for kids to be traveling around alone, in my story the age will be thirteen for starting Trainers, instead.) So, without further ado, here are the first two chapters! (Chapter One is in third person, but from then on it's told by either of the main characters.) Please go easy on me!

Chapter One

Far, far away… At a distant land, where humans and creatures coexist together… A land of fields, a land of mountains and caves… A land of victory and triumph… And yet, a land of failure and despair… A land known as Kanto. That is where the world of Pokémon’s next big wave is. In the small town of palette colors, a Pokémon-champion-would-be eagerly prepares to embark on the journey of his life…


“Evan! Wake UP! We’re gonna be late! Evaaan! EVAN!”

Evan awoke to the cool, wet sensation of a bucket of water being poured over his face. With a choked yelp, he sprung straight out of bed…and onto the cold, hard floor. “Ooff!” he grunted.

“Ev-an!” Evan looked up and saw a girl with wavy, fiery red hair yet soft blue-violet eyes. She was already wearing an indigo shirt and black pants. “Evan, come on! Don’t forget we get our Pokémon Trainer licenses today,” the girl reminded her brother.

“Okay, alright,” Evan whimpered. “Just give me a minute, Samantha.”


Once Evan put on his favorite navy-blue shirt and brown pants, he and Samantha quickly packed some needed supplies in their backpacks. Evan also had red hair, though his was far neater and his eyes bluer than his sister’s. The twins had to visit Professor Oak to become official Pokémon Trainers, like many other thirteen year olds did.

Once everything was packed, Samantha and Evan raced outside. They would have time to say good-bye to their parents later. First they’d get their beginner’s Pokémon.
After arriving outside Professor Oak’s lab, they paused.

“I hope we’re not too late on account of you,” Samantha said.

“Hey, I only overslept an hour!” Evan defended himself.

“Whatever. Let’s just go.”

As Evan put his hand on the silver doorknob, the door flew open and collided with Evan, sending him wheeling back.
An old, wise looking man stood in the doorway. “What was that sound?” he asked. “Did I hit a Rattata?”

“No, just my brother,” Samantha said calmly to Professor Oak.

As Evan limped over, the professor laughed. “That’s a relief! If it had been a Rattata, it would’ve needed to be taken to the Pokémon Center in Viridian City.”

“Don’t worry,” Evan mumbled. “I’m okay.”

Once in Oak’s lab, our heroes received some horribly disturbing news. Professor Oak said, “I have some horribly disturbing news. You see, that Bulbasaur that was for you, Evan… It recently has fallen quite ill and won’t be able to accompany you. But you can still get Charmander, Samantha.”

“Okay! Fair enough,” Samantha beamed.

“Hey, and what about me?!?” Evan cried out.

“Well,” the professor began. “You have several options. A.) Wait another year. B.) Don’t ever become a Pokémon Trainer. C.) Go home and play with dolls or D.) Cry me a river. What’ll it be?”

Evan blinked. “Uh…what?”

“Or,” Samantha added, “ask our parents for a Pokémon."

“Great idea, Sam!” Evan cheered as he scampered off.

Professor Oak glanced around nervously. “Actually, the Bulbasaur became sick after I showed it a picture of Evan,” he confessed.

“Ohhh-kay,” Samantha said awkwardly, and then added, “Hey, professor… About my Charmander…”

“Oh, I’m sorry; here.” Oak handed Samantha a metallic red and white ball, known as a Pokéball.

“Yes!” Samantha sang out. “I got a--!”

“Woo-HOO! I got an Eevee from Dad!” Evan pranced in carrying a fluffy brown fox-like Pokémon.

“Don’t interrupt!” Samantha snapped.

Sensing an argument, Professor Oak quickly gave them each a Pokédex, made a silent prayer for Eevee, then ushered them outside while briskly saying, “Good luck!”


“I got a Charmander!” Samantha cheered into the wind.

“I love my Eevee!” Evan swooned as he snuggled the small nervous Pokémon. Both skipped home while singing “I’m in the money.”

Their parents were waiting for them.
“Kids,” their father began. “First off, we’re very proud of you both. We’re sure you’ll make fine Pokémon trainers. …Uh, son? Your Eevee is suffocating.”

Evan realized he was squeezing his Eevee so hard that it couldn’t breath. “Oops!”

“Anyway,” their father continued as if not interrupted, “we’re proud.”

“Dear,” their mother said to Samantha, “May we see your Pokémon?”

“Sure!” Samantha dropped the Pokéball. Nothing happened. “Uh… Wait a second…” Samantha proceeded to smash the Pokéball repeatedly into a tree. “Stupid…ball!” she growled.

“You’re supposed to press the button on it,” their mother with measured patience.

“Oh, yeah,” Samantha said sheepishly, then released Charmander. It looked like an orange lizard with a flame on its tail. It looked curiously at the humans. “See? Can we go now?” Samantha implored.

“Please?” Evan added.

Both parents nodded. As Evan and Samantha skipped into the distance singing, with their Pokémon, their parents sighed.
“Boy, I’m glad they’re gone,” their father said.

“Yes. Now we can finally enjoy some peace and quiet,” their mother added.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Two
~Evan~


A gentle breeze ruffled my hair as I trotted alongside Sam. We were almost to Viridian City. I looked down at my newly acquired Eevee, whom I was still carrying in my arms. She looked up at me and said, “Evwee!” Then she pawed playfully at my shoulder. I laughed. She was feisty!

“Ah,” my sister said excitedly. “Viridian City!”

I saw a small quaint town that lived up to its name; it had many green plants growing near it. I saw a forest in the distance. I hoped we wouldn’t need to go through it…

“C’mon, Evan,” Sam said. “Let’s go battle the Gym Leader.”

I nodded, somewhat distractedly. Were we ready? We haven’t even battled anyone yet… But I wasn’t about to argue with Samantha.


Once we found the gym we discovered, to Sam’s frustration and to my relief, it was locked. A sign outside said as much.

“Darn! Now what?” my sister fumed.

“How about we just come back later?” I suggested.

“Oh, okay…” she mumbled. Then she marched towards the forest.

“H-Hey! Where are you going!?!” I shouted uneasily.

“To Pewter City.”

“And to get there…?”

“We’ll go through Viridian Forest.”

My heart leapt a mile. My mouth went dry. I dropped Eevee who yelped as she hit the ground. Not the creepy forest! “Sam, are you serious? It looks…dangerous,” I said horrified.

“There’re only Pidgey in there, Evan. C’mon.”

“Oh, alright,” I said as if I just received the death sentence. We had no experience. I did not like this…

Near the forest’s entrance, Samantha stopped. “Evan,” she said with a sly grin.
Oh, no, I thought. What crazy thing was she about to suggest?

“What, Sam?”

“How about we battle?”

“I don’t know…”

“Just as a warm-up.”

“…Alright,” I mumbled. This wasn’t my day.

As we stood on opposing sides, I looked at Samantha’s Charmander. His fire wavered excitedly. He looked tough. Then I looked at Eevee who was pouncing at a flower. Was this a bad sign?

“Ready, Evan?” Samantha asked.

“Ready when you are,” I spoke as confidently as I could.

“Okay! Go get ‘em, Charmander!” she yelled.

“Char!” The lizard boldly dashed forward.

“Eevee, let’s go!” I called.

“Ee?“ Eevee looked up from the flowers, confused, and then scampered out.

“Charmander, use…Scratch?” Sam said uncertainly.

The Fire Pokémon slashed Eevee with his sharp claws, causing her to tumble back. I gasped. Could I do this? Could I win?

“Eevee, Tackle!” I ordered, remembering the moves Dad had told me.

Eevee pounced into Charmander, causing him to go wheeling backwards. The Fire-type seemed almost happily surprised by this show of strength.

“Fine then!” Sam yelled, obviously not as happy. “Charmander, use Ember!”

Charmander growled, and then opened his mouth, releasing hot flames at Eevee! The fox made a failed attempt at dodging, and then let out a pained yelp as she was engulfed by fire!

“Eevee!” I cried out.

Once the fire was gone, Eevee collapsed with a whimper.


As I quickly went to check on my defeated companion, Samantha let out a stressed sigh. “Whew! That was nasty,” she said shakily.

“Char…” Charmander said sadly.

As Sam gave me a potion to use on Eevee, she said, “Battles are more intense than I had originally thought.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “But you did good, Sam. Charmander is pretty gutsy.”

“Thanks. Now let’s go through Viridian Forest.”

The forest was dark. And it was quiet. And, worse of all, it was creepy. Tall, ancient trees blocked out the sunlight. The vegetation would occasionally squirm as wild Pokémon sneaked about. I really wanted to turn back but Sam, I knew, would keep going. We’d at least be better off together… Eevee, who turned serious and uneasy as soon as we came here, stood near my feet, her ears erect. I noticed even Charmander seemed a little jumpy.

“So, you know where we’re going, Samantha?” I asked.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” she mumbled.

“Where?”

“Through the forest.”

“Duh!” I rolled my eyes.

As we carefully walked through the forest, I kept hearing branches creaking. Were we being followed? Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me?
“Wait, did you hear that?” Sam asked, disproving my more hopeful theory.

“Hear what?” I demanded.

“That…sound…”

“Don’t worry. You’re safe as long as I’m here.”

“Oh, my hero! …Yeah, right.”

Then, from nowhere, some kind of fluff ball creature shot at Samantha! As she screamed and ran in circles, I did a very manly thing: I grabbed Eevee then stampeded off. At least I saved Eevee, right? …Whoops?

~ Samantha ~

I felt fur, heard Evan run away shrieking, then tripped over Charmander, who was jumping up and down in fright. So, as you can probably imagine, I was pretty ticked. Okay, honestly? I was FURIOUS! I grabbed the fluffy Pokémon, tore it off of me, and then tossed it into a bush. I then heard growling in the bush. Charmander whimpered and ran behind me. I didn’t care. This was personal. I was personally going to teach that cotton ball a lesson. I stood at the ready.
The Pokémon leapt at me. I saw a flash of white fur. I took out my Pokédex and used it on the creature. Oh, and by that I mean I whacked it with the ‘dex. The Pokémon stumbled back. Then my Pokédex spoke in a mechanical voice:

“Mankey, the Pig Monkey Pokémon. This Pokémon has an extremely short-temper. Approach with caution. …Oh, and if you ever use me as a club again, I’ll kill you in your sleep!”

I stared at the ‘dex, shocked. Was I just threatened by my handheld Nintendo DS wannabe? That made me angry. As I proceeded to stomp on it in fury, the Mankey scratched Charmander. That was it. No one would hurt Charmander and get away with it! I tackled Mankey. Then we had a Fury Swipes contest. As we fought, Charmander tried to get my attention. When he got no answer, he picked up a Pokéball and threw it at the now weakened Mankey. Oh, so that’s what the balls were for! It shook once… Charmander stared with huge eyes. It shook twice… My Pokédex continued to curse me out. Then…ding! Charmander--I mean I caught a Mankey! Neat! Oh, how jealous Evan will be! But then I remembered: Where was that wretched brother of mine anyway?


~Evan ~

In the distance I heard screams and roars. What was happening? Was my sister okay? And what was that awful, horribly terrifying fluff ball? I looked down at Eevee. “Eevee, I’m scared,” I whined.

“Vwee…” Eevee said uncertainly.

“What’ll we do?”

“Eeee…”

“What?”

“Eeee…”

“Eat?”

“Eevwee!”

“Uh…What?”

“Vwee vwee!”

“Er… Do you have to go to the bathroom?"

Eevee fell over. Why weren’t there Pokémon language translation books? And where was Samantha??? I was terrified. Maybe we should hide…


~ Samantha ~

Charmander and I continued to search for Evan and Eevee. Soon I saw a lake with bubbling water. Only air caused bubbles… “Charmander, use Ember on that lake!” I commanded.

“Char! Char! Maaan-der!”

As the flames struck the water, steam came up. And then, lo and behold, up flies Evan and Eevee.

“Owoweee!”

“Eeee!”

Charmander blushed with guilt while I laughed. Evan looked furious. “Well?!”

“Well, what?”

“Aren’t you sorry?”

“Oh, sorry, Eevee,” I said to the fox.

“But whadda ‘bout me?” he demanded.

“What if…I don’t care? Oh, and I caught a Pokémon, see?” I quickly released it before Evan could refuse. Mankey looked at Evan.

“Uh… WHY’D YOU CATCH THAT THING!?!”

Mankey glared, then with a quick movement, tossed Evan into a bush! Perfect aim, too!

“Ah, it’s already learning from the expert!” I said while laughing.

“Ow… Don’t worry… I’m okay… Hey, Sam, that Mankey reminds me of you… You dirty rat…”

I just continued to laugh. What’s wrong with having a short-temper and not letting people kick you around?
~Silent as snow, wild as winter... That is the grace of a Glaceon~
*Please check out my comedy Pokemon fanfic, Faraway!*
  #2    
Old March 15th, 2008, 06:22 PM
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Star★Seeker
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LOLOLOLOL!I have got to say, it's awesome, it isn't as cliche as others, it's hilarious!I especially love the reason Bulbasaur got sick, the Dex with an acctitude and, well, pretty much the detail you give to your descriptions.Please keep it going.
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  #3    
Old March 15th, 2008, 06:40 PM
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bobandbill
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Well, not bad. The humor is nice, and overall the fic has had a good start.

I liked how you went ahead and actually described the two main characters in the beginning of the story - it was good description, and gave me a good idea on what they looked like. However, there are places which more description could have been used - such as of Viridain Forest, or Viridian City - ie places did seem a little lacking here and there.

I liked the start and the way in which Evan was woken up - certainly one way right there.

Quote:
Evan also had red hair, though his was far neater and his eyes bluer than his sister’s.
Three 'his's' in half a sentence - try to mix up the words more often, instead of reusing the same one.
Quote:
“Woo-HOO! I got an Eevee from Dad!” Evan pranced in carrying a fluffy, brown, fox-like Pokémon.
I'll just use this as an example - remember the commas when you are using multiple words in describing.
Quote:
“You have several options. A.) Wait another year. B.) Don’t ever become a Pokémon Trainer. C.) Go home and play with dolls or D.) Cry me a river. What’ll it be?”
Interesting options there. Although I question Oak acting like this, but then again, this is a humor fic...
Quote:
Professor Oak glanced around nervously. “Actually, the Bulbasaur became sick after I showed it a picture of Evan,” he confessed.
Nice one.
Quote:
A gentle breeze ruffled my hair as I trotted alongside Sam. We were almost to Viridian City.
Here the fic kinda moved too fast. They just left, and already they made it to Viridian city... and then shortly after they head to the forest (well, Sam does anyway) without exploring the city or something... slow things down occassionally.
Quote:
As we stood on opposing sides, I looked at Samantha’s Charmander. His fire wavered excitedly. He looked tough. Then I looked at Eevee who was pouncing at a flower. Was this a bad sign?
I like the comparison of the two Pokemon there. Although, 'wavered' really doesn't work there, as it contridicts with 'excitedly'... another word, like 'flared' would make more sense.
Quote:
Then, from nowhere, some kind of fluff ball creature shot at Samantha! As she screamed and ran in circles, I did a very manly thing: I grabbed Eevee then stampeded off. At least I saved Eevee, right? …Whoops?
Evan's da man!
Quote:
I stared at the ‘dex, shocked. Was I just threatened by my handheld Nintendo DS wannabe? That made me angry. As I proceeded to stomp on it in fury, the Mankey scratched Charmander. That was it. No one would hurt Charmander and get away with it! I tackled Mankey. Then we had a Fury Swipes contest. As we fought, Charmander tried to get my attention. When he got no answer, he picked up a Pokéball and threw it at the now weakened Mankey. Oh, so that’s what the balls were for! It shook once… Charmander stared with huge eyes. It shook twice… My Pokédex continued to curse me out. Then…ding!
Although the pacing for this part should be fast, here, it is too fast. Far too many things happening in one paragraph, IMO. Again slow things down, instead of jumping into it, as otherwise it seems like this:
'This happened and then it said this and I said' Omigosh' and then I did this and than this happened and lalala that happened'....
A big exaggeration, but you get the idea. Sounds like that you are a tad overexcited, so keep that in mind for any other future 'fast' scenes.
Hurrah for the mention of the DS but, and a Pokedex that talks back is always amusing.

Also liked the Evan/Eevee conversation - funny indeed.

Despite the small things here and there that I mentioned, it's quite good. You established the characters well, have decent description when you use it, the humor is good and also you seem to have the dialogue nity-gritty aspects down pat. Just slow thinsg down a bit in places, employ more description, and this fic should get better.

Keep it up! (and I better get back to homework...)
EDIT: I find it amusing that we basically reviewed each other's fics around the same time...



Last edited by bobandbill; March 15th, 2008 at 06:48 PM.
  #4    
Old March 16th, 2008, 07:46 AM
CrystalGlaceon's Avatar
CrystalGlaceon
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Snowpoint
Gender:
Nature: Bashful
Thanks for the comments! Yeah, I could use more description... I have a bad habit of kinda rushing through things, from video games and classwork to events in fics. I'll try to work on pacing things and adding more description. And Professor Oak is the first of many who'll act either exaggerated or out of character all together!

Here are the next two chapters! More ridiculous battles to come! (Oh, and by the way, I have nothing against blonds. I just thought since blond girls are often portrayed as a little ditzy, maybe I could have some fun with a blond boy instead...)

Chapter Three
~ Samantha ~


Days later, and we were still (lost) in Viridian Forest. Of course, I wouldn’t admit that to Evan. But the worst part was how boring it quickly became. No Trainers… No rare Pokémon… No nothing! But the absolute worstpart was how we had no idea how to recall our Pokémon. Sure, Charmander and Eevee were good… But Mankey continued to pick fights with every Pidgey and Caterpie. I was getting tired. And frustrated.

“Mankey, get away, NOW!” I finally blew when Mankey used Fury Swipes on a baby Pidgey.

“Man-keei!” he seemingly taunted.

“I SAID GET AWAY!”

“Sam, calm down. Mankey doesn’t mean any harm,” Evan said nervously.

Then Mankey yanked on Eevee’s large, pointy ear.

“Hey!” yelped Evan. “That no good monkey! Make ’em stop, Sam!”

But then Mankey hopped away.

“Mankey, get back here!” I yelled as we followed.

Eventually we found Mankey with a yellow rodent Pokémon… and a Trainer! As we approached, the Trainer turned and looked at us. He had annoyingly bright blond hair and sincere brown eyes. Like you can judge someone by their eyes…

“Ohohoho,” he laughed, “Is this your killa Mankey?”

I frowned. “Yeah… Sorry if he attacked you or something… He did attack you, right?” No one with an undamaged brain would’ve laughed like that… Even a blond.

“Ohohoho-hee! No, not at all! Me and meh Bigatoo were just restin’. Then he dropped in. Get it? Drop-in? Ohohoho!”

Then I noticed his bright white teeth. Ew, what was with this dork? “Well, I’ll just be getting my Mankey and leaving…”

“Wait! What’s your name? I’m Joseph McDee, but ya can call me Joby. And this is meh Bigatoo, Bigatoo! Oohoho!”

“Er… You mean ‘Pikachu,’ right?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Bigatoo! Ohohoho! Now don’t change the subject.”

“Fine! I’m Samantha and this is my twin brother, Evan. ‘Bye!” I started to run for my life, but realized Mankey was still near Joby and Pikachu. Was Mankey mental or something? That Trainer could kill somebody with all the Colgate he used on his teeth!

Joby went cross-eyed, then snorted. “Aw, shuckeroo! I think this guy really likes me, that he does! Ohohoho!”

As I grabbed Mankey, Joby said, “Hey, Samanya! Can we battle? Ohohoho!”

“Uh… How about ‘no?’”

“Aw, c’mon! It’ll be fun!”

“No, thanks.”

“It’ll be happy!”

“Shoo!”

“It’ll be gnarly!”

“Go away!”

“Ohohoho! Just once?”

“NO!”

“Please?”

“NEVER!”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Samantha, just do it so we can leave.”

“Please?” Joby gave me brown puppy-dog eyes.

“Fine! FINE!”

“Yay!”

“But only this once!”

“Yay!”

“And only a one-on-one.”

“Yay!”

“Joby?”

“Yay!”

“CHOOSE YOUR POKéMON!”

“Yay! Ohohoho! Bigatoo, go, buddy!” The yellow mouse seemed to roll out.

“Go, Mankey!” The pig monkey actually obeyed and went out.

“Ohohoho! Bigatoo, use Tundashock!” Joby called out while grinning stupidly. Why, oh, why’d I have to battle such a weirdo!?! But Pikachu, despite its Trainer’s obvious retardation, let loose a powerful Thundershock. Mankey braced himself for the hit, but was still hurt bad by the blow.

An idiot was going to beat me? Never! I got angry. “Mankey, use Fury Swipes!” I ordered. Mankey, who also seemed angry, lashed out at Pikachu…and became paralyzed! “Hey,” I said, shocked.

“Ohohoho, Bigatoo is all staticky,” Joby proudly announced.

“Shut up, fool!” I yelled furiously.

“Aw, don’t be a hater now, Samanya!”

“I’m Samantha, not Samanya!”

“Come on, now,” Evan said wearily. “Just battle!”

Joby snorted a few times, smiled at a tree, then said, “Bigatoo, use Tundashock, again and again and again!”

“Mankey, scratch its eyes out!” I roared. Mankey clumsily scratched Pikachu’s face, just missing its eyes. Still, it was good enough to cause Pikachu’s attack to miss…and hit Evan.

“EEEE!” he shrieked as his hair fuzzed out. What a perfect hit. But it would’ve been even better if Joby had been hit instead…

“Bigatoo,” the before mentioned blondie giggled. “Quick attack, quick attack!” The fat rat struck Mankey, knocking him out.

As I snarled, Joby laughed with a foolish grin. “Aw, wasn’t that fun, Samanya?”

Without a word, I dragged Evan and the Pokémon away. I thought I heard Joby say something around the lines of, “Ohohoho! Gee whiz, Samanya sure is nice!” I hoped I heard wrong...

Later that day, we arrived at Pewter City. It was an average-sized place known for its association with rocks. Besides the typical mart and Pokemon Center, it also had a Gym and museum (which I really wanted to check out!) Were we ready to battle Brock, the Gym Leader? Only one way to find out…

==========================

Chapter Four
~ Evan ~


Pewter City wasn't a very big place, but that didn’t stop us from training there for several days. Sometimes by fighting wild Pokémon, and sometimes by forcing Trainers into self-defense. But, either way, we trained. Charmander seemed more confident, Mankey calmer (believe it or not), and even my little Eevee seemed more feisty. And I felt surer of myself. And Samantha was very, very impatient.

“Okay, that’s enough! Can we go now?” Sam asked impatiently.

“To the gym?” I asked.

“No! The museum!”

Ah, the Pewter Museum of Science… Probably to your surprise, my sister is obsessed with science, history, and (especially) prehistoric Pokémon. Some of her favorite species are extinct creatures. Obviously, our gym battle would have to wait. (This was perfectly fine by me!)

As we stood outside the Pewter Museum of Science, I looked around and noticed a rock-themed building not far off. Outside a sign announced it as the Pewter City Pokemon Gym. I’ll admit it, I was nervous.

“Come on!” Sam snapped as she dragged me into the museum, our Pokémon following uncertainly. (By the way, a kind Pokémon Trainer had finally showed us how to recall our Pokémon, but we decided to let Charmander and Eevee stay out for awhile since they behaved well.)

Once inside the museum, we paid our 50 PokéYen each for a ticket. People were standing around, examining the various displays of unusual things, such as stones from space and ancient Pokemon bones. The museum had a grey floor, to match the rest of the solemn colored city.

“Oh, oh, OH! Look, look, Evan! An Aerodactyl fossil!” Sam uncharacteristically squealed.

“Ewh, it looks creepy,” I said with a shiver. Eevee sniffed at the glass containing the fossilized vicious dragon-like Pokémon, and then frowned. We think alike, you see. Charmander seemed curious about it.

“Oh, my Gardevoir! Look! It…is…so…NEAT!”

I watched Samantha bounce around a showcase, love struck. I peered at the fossil. The Pokémon seemed around the height of a human and had sharp, deadly looking claws. I felt the hair on my neck stand up. Call me cruel, but boy was I glad it was dead. Eevee shook her head after glancing at it. I thought I saw Charmander swallow this time. Yet, Samantha gazed lovingly at it. My sister had some major issues!

“What the heck is that thing?” I yelped, disturbed by the sight of it.

“Shut up! It’s a Kabutops.” She whispered the last part as if the fossil would shatter if she said it too loudly. Or come to life. Choose one. “Isn’t it so incredible?” Samantha continued to whisper.

“And extinct, thankfully,” I mumbled.

“Oh, how I want one,” Sam continued distantly as if I hadn’t said anything.

Then an old, creepy man galloped over to us. “Ey, yo youngin’s neow wot yea ta fwist mon wend own da moon?” he implored.

“EWW, GO AWAY!” Sam and I shrieked.

“Blah blah blah, I likie Moon Stones so muchie!” he giggled as he crawled away. (Yes, he did crawl, unfortunately.)

“Char? Charmander?” Charmander asked, looking horrified.

“Yes, let’s leave before he comes back,” Sam agreed.

On the way to the door, a father-like man pranced out. “I’m gonna get my daughter a Pikachu! She says Pikachu are so cute!”

Then a little girl loudly thumped into sight. “My daddy says he’s gonna get me a Pikachu! I says they’re so cute!” See what the world’s coming to, folks?


The Pewter City Pokémon Gym was huge and, you guessed it, grey. The battle stage was rocky and, right again, grey. As Sam and I walked in, we saw a guy with- get this- small slants for eyes! Creepy! Then he went heart-eyed and dashed over to…no, not Sam--me!!!

“Hello, gorgeous, my name’s Brock. Are you here for a gym match?” he asked while holding my hands.

“What’s wrong with you!? I am a BOY!” I yelled indignantly.

“Oh, sorry!” Brock said nervously. “You just looked…never mind.”

Sam and I exchanged looks.

“So…er…Here to battle?” Brock asked, trying to change the subject.

“Yes, and I’m Samantha and this is my brother Evan,” Sam said.

“Sure, okay. But can we make it a Double-battle--a total of four Pokémon?” Brock asked.

“I, uh… I only have one,” I said sheepishly.

“Well, a total of three a side then,” Brock said, very experienced.


Once we were on opposing sides, Brock tossed out two Pokéballs. “Geodude and Geodude!” Two Pokémon that resembled rocks with arms came out.

“Go, Mankey,” Sam ordered while throwing out her ‘ball. The monkey stood, posed to fight.

“Get ‘em, Eevee,” I said. Eevee dashed out, tail wagging excitedly.

“Interesting,” Brock said while trying-to-sound-wise-but-failing-terribly. “Geodude, Tackle Mankey! Geodude, you too!”

“Which Geodude is Geodude and which is Geodude?” Sam asked while trying-to-sound-important-but-knew-she-wasn’t.

Both rocks hurdled themselves at Mankey, but he managed to dodge one.

“Eevee, Tackle one! Help Mankey!” I ordered. Eevee, while trying-to-look-dangerous-but-knew-she-was-as-adorable-as-a-plushie, pounced into a Geodude, but cried out.

“Geodude are as hard as rocks,” Brock awesomely, totally, gnarly, pointed out.

“Fine, Mankey, Low Kick!” Sam said. Mankey’s attack was a kick, and it was low. Geodude weakly got up.

“Hey, no hits below the belt!” Brock dreamily chirped. Yes, he did chirp, fellas.

“But Geodude don’t wear belts,” Sam ingeniously pointed out.

Brock, after weeping softly for awhile at being proven wrong, finally ordered a Tackle and a Rock Tomb on Mankey. Mankey did a back flip to avoid the Tackle, but got struck by the rocks. He stumbled back, breathing hard, and now furious.

“That’s enough!” Sam barked. “Use Low Kick again!”

“Eevee, use Helping Hand!” I howled.

A light came from Eevee and went to Mankey, powering him up. The Low Kick was savage. Geodude was sent crashing into the other one. The first one fainted and the second one was hurt badly.

“F-Fine then,” Brock whimpered, clearly in distress. “You asked for it. Go, Onix! Sniff!”
A huge-and I mean HUGE, people!-rocky snake came from the Pokéball. It let out an earth-shaking roar that shook the whole gym. Eevee yelped and jumped back a foot. Even the enraged Mankey stepped back fearfully. I glanced at Sam in time to see her swallow.
“Shake, foolish mortals! This ends now!” Brock thundered before he giggled foolishly. “Princess power shall prevail! Onix, Bind!" The huge snake wrapped itself around Mankey, who struggled helplessly.

“Mankey!” Sam yelped. It was clear that the once annoying and now pitiable monkey was in trouble. I had to do something… But what?

“Geodude, Tackle Eevee!” Brock sang.

As Geodude flung itself at Eevee, I had it. “Eevee, dodge now!” I yelled. Eevee, now all serious, leapt over the Tackle, dodging it. “Tackle Onix as hard as you can!” I ordered. With an angry cry, Eevee smashed into Onix…and did nothing!

“Onix, like a rock,” Brock said, quite happily. Onix continued to squeeze Mankey, who looked awfully weak. “Toss it,” Brock ordered. The snake threw Mankey as one would toss a penny. Mankey landed with a thump, out cold.

“Mankey, you did good,” Sam said, obviously trying not to think murderous thoughts, as she returned the Fighting-type. “Okay, Charmander, go wreck havoc!” she ordered. The lizard sprang out with a vengeance.

“Onix, use Rock Tomb on Eevee; Geodude, the same on Charmander,” Brock said with the wisdom of one’s wisdom tooth.

“Eevee, Tackle Geodude!” I yelled. Eevee sprinted into Geodude and managed to knock it out. Now it was two-on-one. But who had the advantage? Onix tossed several rocks at Eevee, who dodged a few before she was hit hard.

“Charmander, use Metal Claw!” Sam yelled. Charmander let out an angry growl as he slashed Onix with glowing claws. Onix roared furiously. The Pokémon were really taking this battle personally…

“Onix, whack them with your tail!" Brock giggled seriously.

On impulse, I yelled, “Helping Hand, quick!” As Onix’s tail swished in, a light went from Eevee to Charmander.

The hit was critical. Both Eevee and Charmander cried out as they flew back. Charmander jumped right back up; his tail scorching. Eevee struggled up, but couldn’t remain standing. She fell.

“Eevee, good, come back,” I said, out of breath. It’s all come down to this, I thought.

Then, it happened. The flame on Charmander’s tail engulfed his whole body. It didn’t seem to hurt; in fact, he looked ready for more! (Was this Blaze?)

“Onix, Rock Tomb, now!” Brock yelled.

“Charmander, Ember,” Sam said firmly. The rocks fell down, but Charmander’s Ember burnt them to ashes. Was this normal!?! Then the Ember swallowed Onix, who howled in pain. Seconds seemed like hours. Then, finally, Onix collapsed with a loud thump.

“Uh...duh,” Brock professionally grunted.

“Charmander, you did it!” Sam cried as, once Charmander’s flame died down, she hugged him.

Brock sniffled. Brock whimpered. Then he blew. “TAKE THESE BLASTED BADGES AND GET OUT!!!” You know, I think his roar was even scarier than his Onix’s!

Once we healed our Pokémon, I asked, “Where to next?”

“Cerulean City,” Sam proudly answered.

And so, after winning our first badges, we skipped off into the sunset, singing, “We’re in the Money!” What awaited us ahead?

----

In case you were wondering about the old man in the museum, he's in the games. If you talk to him, he mentions the year the first man went on the moon. (In the Pokemon world?) And I made him talk weird just for humor's sake. The little girl and her father are also in there and mention getting a Pikachu, as well.
~Silent as snow, wild as winter... That is the grace of a Glaceon~
*Please check out my comedy Pokemon fanfic, Faraway!*

Last edited by CrystalGlaceon; March 16th, 2008 at 08:50 AM.
  #5    
Old March 16th, 2008, 08:45 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Not bad. The description has improved slightly, although in places more could have been used, and the comments made by the characters from time to time (in the brackets like so) are soemthimes rather random and seem that they've been put in for the sake of it.

Joby felt a bit too random for my tastes (which is odd) - probably could have been a bit funnier as well, looking at him from a comedy-prespective.

The gym battle was pretty good however - nice action there. Generally the fourth chapter was better than the third IMO - more description, funniness and content.

Quote:
Days later, and we were still (lost) in Viridian Forest.
Were the brackets around 'lost' really nesserary there?

Quote:
Later that day, we arrived at Pewter City. It was an average-sized place known for its association with rocks. Besides the typical mart and Pokemon Center, it also had a Gym and museum (which I really wanted to check out!)
Sounds rushed... 'there's this town, had a gym and a museum'... tad too quick there. Good that you slowed things down stright after and described their exploration and time in Pewter before taking on the gym leader however.

Quote:
“Oh, my Gardevoir! Look! It…is…so…NEAT!”
Erm, why Gardevoir, exactly? Seems somewhat random...
Quote:
“Geodude are as hard as rocks,” Brock awesomely, totally, gnarly, pointed out.
Silly Evan. Although I question the use of gnarly - doesn't really fit in.
Quote:
Then he went heart-eyed and dashed over to
Heart-eyed could probably be rephrased.
Quote:
“Well, a total of three a side then,” Brock said, very experienced.
...very experianced... how, by saying 'three a side'? Occassionally some of the comments seem a bit random.

Good battle again however, and Brock mistaking Evan for a girl was unexpected, to say the least. Daresay some people's personalities are changed up.
Also, hurrah for NPC's making cameos! I remember those in the game (although the man hadn't crawled before...)

Keep it up!


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