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  #1    
Old June 27th, 2008, 02:57 PM
Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
Blue Screen of Death
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By: SupahFunk
I do not own pokemon or other things, nintendo does.
Chapter one: The Absol.

It was all so sudden, the earthquake, him jumping out the window, the pokemon center colapsing, the Absol. He passed out after this though, the jump was quite a high one after all. Darren ahore was wearing a green t-shirt at the time, black jeans that matched his hair, and a blue long sleeve shirt under the green one. This was all covered in dirt and rubble now, as he was rushed to the pokemon center in the next town over. he dreamt of many things, his pokemon, Sunflora, and his mother, Flora Shore. His mother shared many of the same traits as him and always wore a flower pattern dress (the last one he saw her in was a forget-me-not dress. He could never forget her.) He dreamt of the Absol he saw. Every time something bad happened to him, Absol was there. He brole his leg when he was three while jumping on a trampoline, and he saw an Absol. He broke his arm while skiing, and he saw an Absol there. There where many more events where he saw an Absol, but they where minor and he wondered why an Absol tend to such minor bad luck.

While he dreamt of all the Absol sightings he had had, one was standing right outside of his window, as if it where waiting to deliver more bad news. One thing Darren had never noticed was that the Absol had a scratch on the crescent shaped blade on its forehead. All of the Absol's he had seen had that exact same scratch on the blade protruding from its forehead. Which of course meant either there where many Absol's out there who had scratches on thier blades, or the Absol he saw was always the same one. The latter thought of course was the true one. Absol, being a dark type pokemon, has telepathic abilities to some extent, similar to how a phychic type might predict the future this way, Absol's predict unfortunate events this way. Some, however, recieve a boost of sorts. These lucky few can actually talk telepatically, quite like the mysterious clone pokemon, mewtwo. The Absol that had tracked Darren all of his life, was one of the few talking telepaths.

While lying unconscious, Darren heard a voice deliver some of the worst news he could imagine. It said "I hate to be bearer of bad news, but as it is my duty I have no choice. You Sunflora, the pokemon who travelled with you in one of those infernal pokeballs, Did not survive the earthquake. When the building you where in colapsed, it was hit by a piece of the cieling and was then flattened. It was quite a mess, if i heard correctly." Darren was, of course, confused and scared by this statement, and in a panicking tone said "What? My sunflora was more capable than that, it would have made it!" He continued to describe in full detail the capabilities of his Sunflora. Halfway through his rant the Absol interupted him by saying " I'm sorry, but I'm just the messenger." "Wait! Tell me more!" Darren shouted but it was to late. The Absol had left.


He woke up two days later, with his mother holding his hand, praying to every god she knew that her son would wake up. He said in a gentle voice to her "Hello mom, have you seen my Sunflora?" Flora Shore was not easily surprised, but this made her jump rather high for a simple surprise. Darren was about to repeat the question, but his mother grabbed him and squeezed the air out of him before he could say a thing. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!" 'Don't worry mom, I won't." He replied, after being let go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, how do like it? I hope it came out better than A twin adventure. There are many plot holes, but this is just the first chapter, remember that. Also, when pointing out errors, don't be so harsh. I have feelings to you know! *sniffle* (seriously though, avoid exageration like it where a plague. I'm a funny guy, but I can only take so much.)
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Last edited by Blue Screen of Death; June 27th, 2008 at 02:58 PM. Reason: paragraph troubles
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  #2    
Old June 27th, 2008, 03:28 PM
iLike2EatPiez's Avatar
iLike2EatPiez
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Well, before I review this, I'm going to have to let you know that you can't just say "I'm a beginner" or "Don't be harsh" and expect reviewers to shower you with praise. The point of posting a fanfic is not to have every reader love it and post something like, "Oh, it was great! Best fic ever! Keep writing!" You will get reviews, and as with almost every story, some of those reviews will be constructive critisism. No one is trying to put you down or "be harsh". We are trying to help you become a better writer by letting you know what we think about your story. If you don't like your readers finding errors or telling you your fic isn't perfect, then don't post your fic online. It's that simple.

Now, on with the review. This really seems a bit rushed and vague in parts. For example...

Quote:
It was all so sudden, the earthquake, him jumping out the window, the pokemon center colapsing, the Absol. He passed out after this though, the jump was quite a high one after all. Darren ahore was wearing a green t-shirt at the time, black jeans that matched his hair, and a blue long sleeve shirt under the green one. This was all covered in dirt and rubble now, as he was rushed to the pokemon center in the next town over.
You go so quickly and without transition between Absol and Darren, and then one Pokemon Center to another. When you start describing different events, that calls for either a sentence of transition or a new paragraph. So, you could describe Absol's fall, then say something like "Nearby, a trainer emerged from behind a crumbling wall," or simply use 'Enter' a couple times.

Quote:
he dreamt of many things, his pokemon, Sunflora, and his mother, Flora Shore. His mother shared many of the same traits as him and always wore a flower pattern dress (the last one he saw her in was a forget-me-not dress. He could never forget her.) He dreamt of the Absol he saw.
All of a sudden he's dreaming? What do you mean by this? Did he fall asleep? When? Where? Or is he dreaming as in imagining the future? This needs a bit of elaboration.

Quote:
The Absol that had tracked Darren all of his life, was one of the few talking telepaths.
Quote:
While lying unconscious, Darren heard a voice deliver some of the worst news he could imagine. It said "I hate to be bearer of bad news, but as it is my duty I have no choice. You Sunflora, the pokemon who travelled with you in one of those infernal pokeballs, Did not survive the earthquake. When the building you where in colapsed, it was hit by a piece of the cieling and was then flattened. It was quite a mess, if i heard correctly." Darren was, of course, confused and scared by this statement, and in a panicking tone said "What? My sunflora was more capable than that, it would have made it!" He continued to describe in full detail the capabilities of his Sunflora. Halfway through his rant the Absol interupted him by saying " I'm sorry, but I'm just the messenger." "Wait! Tell me more!" Darren shouted but it was to late. The Absol had left.
I am a bit skeptical as to why Darren is not surprised by a talking Absol. You told us of its ability to talk before, but did Darren know it can do this beforehand?

Also, every time a different character speaks, hit 'Enter' twice in the same manner as you would make a new paragraph. It's a literature rule; just read any book or newspaper.

Well, I'm done quote-reviewing, but another thing I'd like to point out: describe. Describe everything you can: the characters, the scenes, the setting, the Pokemon (yes, this is important), the sounds... This needs a lot more description.

It is obvious that this was quickly thrown together. You should re-read your work, add more to it, try to make it the best it can be. As I said before, I am not trying to be mean or rude by reviewing this. If I was, I would be telling you to leave this forum, stop writing, and insult and flame your fic. But I didn't do that. I gave specific examples of issues I found, and reccomendations on how to improve on them. It's your choice whether or not to accept a review, but don't get upset at your reviewers because they aren't sugar-coating everything. If we did that, you would not get any better at writing.
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  #3    
Old June 27th, 2008, 03:36 PM
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Ah.
You again. I remember you!
Well, this seems to be a hellovalot better.
BUT
Press Enter Twice (or put indents) when a new person talks.
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  #4    
Old June 27th, 2008, 04:34 PM
Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
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By: SupahFunk
I do not own pokemon or other things, nintendo does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter one: The Absol.
It was all so sudden, the earthquake, him jumping out the window, the pokemon center colapsing, the Absol walking up to him. He was feeding his sunflora at the time, and He passed out after this though, the jump was quite a high one after all. Darren shore was wearing a green t-shirt at the time, black jeans that matched his hair, and a blue long sleeve shirt under the green one. This was all covered in dirt and rubble now, as he was rushed to the pokemon center in the next town over. he dreamt of many things, his pokemon, Sunflora, and his mother, Flora Shore. His mother shared many of the same traits as him and always wore a flower pattern dress (the last one he saw her in was a forget-me-not dress. He could never forget her.) He dreamt of the Absol he saw. Every time something bad happened to him, Absol was there. He brole his leg when he was three while jumping on a trampoline, and he saw an Absol. He broke his arm while skiing, and he saw an Absol there. There where many more events where he saw an Absol, but they where minor and he wondered why an Absol would tend to such minor bad luck.

While he dreamt of all the Absol sightings he had had, one was standing right outside of his window, as if it where waiting to deliver more bad news. One thing Darren had never noticed was that the Absol had a scratch on the crescent shaped blade on its forehead. The rest of the pokemon was normal however, from its milky white fur to its jet black claws. All of the Absol's he had seen had that exact same scratch on the blade protruding from its forehead. Which of course meant either there where many Absol's out there who had scratches on thier blades, or the Absol he saw was always the same one. The latter thought of course was the true one. Absol, being a dark type pokemon, has telepathic abilities to some extent, similar to how a phychic type might predict the future this way, Absol's predict unfortunate events this way. Some, however, recieve a boost of sorts. These lucky few can actually talk telepatically, quite like the mysterious clone pokemon, mewtwo. The Absol that had tracked Darren all of his life, was one of the few talking telepaths. While lying unconscious, Darren heard a bodiless voice deliver some of the worst news he could imagine.

It said "I hate to be bearer of bad news, but as it is my duty I have no choice. Your Sunflora, the pokemon who travelled with you in one of those infernal pokeballs, did not survive the earthquake. When the building you where in colapsed, it was hit by a piece of the cieling and was then flattened. It was quite a mess, if i heard correctly." Darren was, of course, confused, surprised, and scared by this statement, and in a panicking tone said to the mysterious voice

"What? My sunflora was more capable than that, it would have made it!" He continued to describe in full detail the capabilities of his Sunflora. Halfway through his rant the Absol interupted him by saying " I'm sorry, but I'm just the messenger." "Wait! Tell me more!" Darren shouted but it was to late. The Absol had left.

He woke up two days later, with his mother holding his hand, praying to every god she knew that her son would wake up. He said in a gentle voice to her "Hello mom, have you seen my Sunflora?" Flora Shore was not easily surprised, but this made her jump rather high for a simple surprise. Darren was about to repeat the question, but his mother grabbed him and squeezed the air out of him before he could say a thing. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!" 'Don't worry mom, I won't." He replied, after being let go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, how do like it? I hope it came out better than A twin adventure. There are many plot holes, but this is just the first chapter, remember that. (comments) I agree, it needed revision. I will try harder next time. I know about most of the errors you pointed out, and I will take more time on these in the future. I was hurrying for some reason. I am done whining though. be as mean as you want, I don't care.
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Last edited by Blue Screen of Death; June 27th, 2008 at 04:35 PM. Reason: Paragraph troubles... again...
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  #5    
Old June 27th, 2008, 05:17 PM
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txteclipse
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Alright, here goes. First of all, you can edit your first chapter post: you don't need to re-post it. Just hit the "edit" button at the bottom of the post and make your changes.

Quote:
Darren ahore
Capitalize last names, and I would very highly recommend changing Darren's. You probably didn't mean to do what I'm seeing, but I'm reading "a *****" when I see that last name.

Quote:
He broke his arm while skiing, and he saw an Absol there. There where many more events where he saw an Absol, but they where minor and he wondered why an Absol would tend to such minor bad luck.
Don't really need the word "minor" near the end of that sentence. Detracts from the impact.

Otherwise, you really need to be running this through a grammar checking service such as Microsoft Word or the like. There's numerous problems, and it gets tiresome to read rather quickly. Also, it seems to cut off about half-way through the chapter. There's no closure for anything. Darren doesn't hear officially if his Sunflora is dead: he pretty much just wakes up, asks some questions, and his mom hugs him without answering anything.

So this needs some work. In all honesty, I think it needs to be in the revision thread for a bit until you hammer out your writing skills. You'll still get exposure to critiquing and other authors, but it really just isn't presentable yet. It has a long way to go, but if you're really dedicated, you can pull this off. If it means that much to you, I would be glad to drop in once in a while and help out.

At below: Gotcha. One of those "mix 's' up with 'a'" things. Can't say I'm not guilty of that myself at times.
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  #6    
Old June 27th, 2008, 05:25 PM
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Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txteclipse View Post
Alright, here goes. First of all, you can edit your first chapter post: you don't need to re-post it. Just hit the "edit" button at the bottom of the post and make your changes.



Capitalize last names, and I would very highly recommend changing Darrens. You probably didn't mean to do what I'm seeing, but I'm reading "a *****" when I see that last name.
I didn't remember the edit bit, that was my fault, but about the name, read the revision.
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Old June 27th, 2008, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SupahFunk View Post
(comments) I agree, it needed revision. I will try harder next time. I know about most of the errors you pointed out, and I will take more time on these in the future. I was hurrying for some reason. I am done whining though. be as mean as you want, I don't care.
This is exactly what I was talking about. You are never going to improve if you don't change your view on constructive critisism. Don't take it as a bad thing. Accept it and apply it, with a positive outlook. We are trying to help you, not be mean to you (might I quote myself here, "If we were being mean to you, we would be telling you to leave this forum, stop writing, and insult and flame your fic). Right now it really sounds like you are annoyed by the reviews you recieved. Don't be. It won't do you any good, and at any rate, it'll get people to stop reading your fic. As I said before, if you don't like getting reviewers that aren't telling you your story is perfect, either don't put it online or take the advice they provide you with.

Don't just tell us you will improve, either. Remember, you'll need to show us in the next chapter how much better you can make it. Otherwise, your reviewers will just think you've been ignoring them. I'm saying this now because in that edit all you seemed to do was change and add a few sentences.

Quote:
... the Absol walking up to him. He was feeding his sunflora at the time, and He passed out after this though, the jump was quite a high one after all.
The Absol walking up to who? The story should tell us this. What does Absol look like? What does Sunflora look like? And if there was an earthquake, how was Darren (for I am expecting that's who "he" is) feeding his Sunflora. Then, you made a comma and said he again. Who are we to assume you are reffering to have passed out? Darren or Absol?

I won't re-list what I stated in the previous review, but now I'm also wondering, how is Darren being taken to another Pokemon Center? An ambulance? Specify. More importantly, why is he, a human who is apparently injured, going to a Pokemon Center? Shouldn't he go to a hospital and his Sunflora go to a Pokemon Center?
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Old June 27th, 2008, 08:14 PM
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To the original poster:

Suggest you proof read what you write before posting. I'm sure you could at least find some inconsistancies and fix them. Mediorce at best which actually saddens me. But keep trying, don't let me dishearten you. I think if you improve a bit, this might turn out to be a good read.

Some description needed too.
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Old June 28th, 2008, 09:30 AM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Chapter two: Times long past.

Darren was in the hospital for the rest of the day after he woke up. The medical equipment and the lights where the only things that where working, so he was pretty bored. He spent half the time staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles. His mother had left not long ago, she said she had some sort of surprise for him. Well, whatever the surprise was, it was probably better looking that the ceiling. The hospital was on quite solid ground, but still took quite a beating during the earthquake. The tiles where chipped in quite a few places, and a few of them where missing. It was tricky, but Darren could still make out the design. Flowers. The ceiling in his room had a flower design on the ceiling tiles. The dust had settled on the ceiling somehow, and was on the tiles in such a way that it looked like the dust was on the pedals.

"Figures," He thought, "I get the room with flowers." He was somewhat annoyed by this, due to the fact that no one had told him about his sunflora during his stay there. Then he remembered everything. The bodiless voice, all of his memories of an Absol, and the horrible news.

"No." He thought, " My Sunflora made it, I'll see her any minute now." Darren hoped this, but he knew it wasn't true. He would never see his Sunflora's yellow pedals again. He started crying at this thought. He had spent almost his entire life with his Sunflora. He was the one who bought the sun stone to turn it into a sunflora. he just couldn't believe it was gone.

"Hello dear, I'm back." His mother gently said, then relized he was crying. She hurried over to his bed and said "Honey, is everything okay?" "No, everything is not okay, my Sunflora is gone!" Darren did not mean to sound so rude, but didn't care anyways. He just wanted to see his Sunflora's yellow face again, smiling back at him. He remembered the day he found it, ten years ago.

It was a beautiful summer day, not a cloud in the sky, rather hot though. The pine trees gave the forest a rather pleasant scent, but he knew better than to climb them, the sap would stick to him like glue. He did not want another incident where his mother would yell at him for being covered in pine sap. He was exploring the woods around his house when he saw them. About five or six Nincada where batting the poor little sunkern back and forth.

He ran up, shouting "Hey! You get away from that Sunkern!" But, of course, they did not listen. Instead, they turned on him. You could tell that they where about to jump on him when, unexpectedly, the Sunkern tackled one! Darren was surprised by this, but did not waste a moment. He ran home as quick as he could, and told his mother everything that had just happened. She rushed towards the battle with her Swellow not far behind. But, they had a little surprise when they saw what had happened. The sunkern was just sitting there, smiling at itself. The Nincada where spread out around it, every single one knocked out and bruised in one spot or another. Darren was just standing there, amazed. The Sunkern then jumped on him, almost knocking him over. It seemed as happy as could be, and he returned the expression. His mother was standing there, amazed as well. She called Swellow down and told it everything was okay. Swellow had a quizzical look on its face, but did not inquire further.

He then turned to his mother and asked her "Mom, can we please keep this Sunkern! Please!" He was about to continue begging when his mother said "If you cannot find its family, then yes, you may keep it." At this the Sunkern had a very sad look on its face, and looked like it was about to cry. Both Darren and his mother took this as a sign that the sunkern had no family. "Well, looks like we have a new member to the family!" His mother said, causing much jubilation to both Darren and sunkern.

A few years later, Darren and his Sunkern where sitting on a boulder in the forest, watching the many sights. It was mid-october and the leaves where as beautiful a sight as could be. All the different hues of red and orange, mixed with the green of the few evergreens in the forest, made Darren wish he had some painting skills further than abstract art. But, alas, Darren settled for watching the leaves. It was at this time that a man broke the silence. He was a middle-aged man, and looked like he had been traveling his whole life. He had a rather large backpack on and a walking stick that looked like someone had twisted it into a corkscrew.

He walked up to them and said, " How would you like to buy a sun stone for that there Sunkern of yours?"

Well, Darren was taken aback by this comment, but asked him "How much?"

"Only ten dollars, five for any more stones you may want." The man said.

Darren was not one to pass up a good deal, and in fact had haggled quite a few items down from their original price. He said to the man "Wait here, I'll go get some money." "Can do." The man replied, while sitting on the rock himself.

Darren ran home as fast as he could, with his Sunkern clinging onto his shoulder. He ran up to his room, nearly knocking over his mother in the process. He grabbed his wallet and started running down he stairs, only to find his mother, in one of her many flower pattern dresses, hands on her hips, giving him a glare that said "What do you think you are doing?" He knew that glare, from years of hyperactivity, and explained. He ended is explanation with "Do you need any type of stone?" His mother replied with, "How do you know this man isn't trying to rip you off?" Darren had not thought of this and said "Well, I don't, I'll just have to risk it, now won't I?" His mother just sighed and said "Take Gloom with you and get two sun stones. If Gloom evolves into Bellosom, then you can keep the stone. you know what to do if it doesn't work, right?" "Right mom, see you later!" He said, on his way out of the door. "That boy cannot keep still for one second." She thought, returning to her flowers.

When he got back the man was sitting next to a smeargle, watching it paint the beautiful forest scene. Darren was quite when he said "Excuse me sir, I'm back for the stones you offered." The man simply turned to Darren and said "Oh yes, what would you like?" Darren bought the sun stones and asked him to wait. He agreed and returned to watching his Smeargle paint. Darren turned to gloom and said "Well Gloom, are you ready?" It just stood there, drooling. "I'll take that as a yes." Darren mumbled as he placed the sun stone on Gloom's foot. At first, nothing happened. Darren was about to ask for his money back when Gloom started glowing. The first change was the pedals growing out of its waist to form a skirt, then it grew flowers where its ears would have been and finally, its body became thinner and green. "Whoa." Was all he could think. The newly made Bellosom smiled at him and started skipping back towards the house.

He turned to his Sunkern, but it just avoided the sun stone. Darren got the message from the scared look on Sunkerns face. Sunkern did not want to evolve yet. Darren simply said "Its okay if you do not want to evolve, I won't make you."

The very next year his Sunkern hopped over to where he kept the sun stone in his desk and called to his friend. Darren heard Sunkern and came over, and saw where Sunkern was sitting, and gave a silent cry of joy. He opened the desk drawer and pulled out the sun stone. He placed it next to Sunkern and watched the evolution work its magic.

Sunkern started get taller, then feet sprouted out of its bottom, followed by legs, then the pedal arms sprouted from its torso and finally, pedals formed a circle around its new face. Sunkern was now Sunflora. It gave a cry of rejoice and tried out its new legs. It was like watching a child take its first steps. Sunflora was very wobbly and fell over more than once, but within a week it could walk like any other being with legs.

His memories where interrupted by his mother saying "Yes dear, I know, they found your Sunflora in the rubble, the funeral is tomorrow. I am very sorry dear." Darren just broke out crying at this, he did not know what he would do from now on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well? Was it better than the first chapter? I hope so.
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  #10    
Old June 28th, 2008, 01:05 PM
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txteclipse
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Who are you and what have you done with SupahFunk? This is exponentially better than yesterday's chapter. It's a bit uncanny, actually. There were still a few mistakes, but it truly is a far cry from what you posted before.

Quote:
The medical equipment and the lights where the only things that where working, so he was pretty bored. He spent half the time staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles.
You mixed up "where" and "were" here and in a few other places. "Where" is used when referring to the location of something, such as "where's my taco?" "Were," on the other hand, is referring to a past-tense state of being, such as "you were there last night." This is a fairly common mistake, so just keep an eye out for it.

Quote:
His mother had left not long ago, she said she had some sort of surprise for him. Well, whatever the surprise was, it was probably better looking that the ceiling.
This made me laugh a bit. However, the surprise is never mentioned again in the chapter, so this was a little confusing.

Quote:
He had spent almost his entire life with his Sunflora. He was the one who bought the sun stone to turn it into a sunflora. he just couldn't believe it was gone.
You refer to Sunflora as a "her" earlier in the chapter, so I would hold with that trend rather than calling Sunflora an "it" here. Also, try to word the second sentence so it doesn't repeat the word "Sunflora": I would recommend something like "He was the one who bought the stone to evolve her." It flows a bit better. Lastly, capitalize "he" at the start of the last sentence.

Quote:
"Hello dear, I'm back." His mother gently said, then relized he was crying.
"Realized" is spelled the way I just typed it.

Quote:
Darren did not mean to sound so rude, but didn't care anyways.
"Anyways" is not necessary here.

Quote:
You could tell that they where about to jump on him when, unexpectedly, the Sunkern tackled one!
Don't use the words "you" or "I" when writing in third-person, unless one of the characters is speaking. Change the word "You" to "He", and no harm will be done.

Quote:
His mother said, causing much jubilation to both Darren and sunkern.
This is an archaic speech pattern that just really doesn't fit well. It does technically work in a grammatical sense, but it's really old-school in an otherwise modern writing style.

Quote:
It was mid-october and the leaves where as beautiful a sight as could be. All the different hues of red and orange, mixed with the green of the few evergreens in the forest, made Darren wish he had some painting skills further than abstract art.
Good description here.

Quote:
Well, Darren was taken aback by this comment, but asked him "How much?"
The word "well" need not be there.

Quote:
Darren was not one to pass up a good deal, and in fact had haggled quite a few items down from their original price. He said to the man "Wait here, I'll go get some money." "Can do." The man replied, while sitting on the rock himself.
Hit enter twice between where Darren stops talking and the man starts.

Quote:
Darren was quite when he said "Excuse me sir, I'm back for the stones you offered."
"Quiet" rather than "quite."

Quote:
Darren turned to gloom and said "Well Gloom, are you ready?" It just stood there, drooling. "I'll take that as a yes." Darren mumbled as he placed the sun stone on Gloom's foot.
I chuckled at this.

Quote:
He turned to his Sunkern, but it just avoided the sun stone. Darren got the message from the scared look on Sunkerns face. Sunkern did not want to evolve yet. Darren simply said "Its okay if you do not want to evolve, I won't make you."

The very next year his Sunkern hopped over to where he kept the sun stone in his desk and called to his friend. Darren heard Sunkern and came over, and saw where Sunkern was sitting, and gave a silent cry of joy. He opened the desk drawer and pulled out the sun stone. He placed it next to Sunkern and watched the evolution work its magic.
This is the first real problem with this chapter: a plot hole. What changes Sunkern's mind about wanting to evolve? Extrapolate on that.

Quote:
Darren just broke out crying at this, he did not know what he would do from now on.
I'd word this a little different: it's almost an exact copy of the sentence you first used to describe Darren crying. Try something like "Darren started crying again; he didn't know what he would do from then on."

Overall, good chapter. I'd go back and talk about what surprise Darren's mom was getting him, and also describe what made Sunkern change her mind about evolving. Again, vast improvement over your last chapter, and I'll be awaiting your next one.
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Old June 28th, 2008, 04:32 PM
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I must say, well done! This is a huge imporvement from the first chapter; longer, more plotty, and definately more emotional. I think you pulled off the feeling of sorror over Sunflora's death quite well for a beginning fanfiction author. The whole flashback made the reader come to respect Sunflora just as much as Darren, but the whole time it is obvious that his Pokemon is dead... My only advice for that kind of writing, the kind that touches the reader and gets to their emotions, is to keep practicing it. Once you get the hang of it, you're only going to get better and better the more you experiement with it, and I'm pretty sure based on that chapter you've got the hang of it.

Of course, there were still a few problems, but it's nothing near the way it was last time around. Let's see...

Quote:
"Hello dear, I'm back." His mother gently said, then relized he was crying. She hurried over to his bed and said "Honey, is everything okay?" "No, everything is not okay, my Sunflora is gone!" Darren did not mean to sound so rude, but didn't care anyways. He just wanted to see his Sunflora's yellow face again, smiling back at him. He remembered the day he found it, ten years ago.
There's still the problem of not adding new "paragraphs" for new speakers. This is easily fixed, though. Here's how this paragraph would look if written out like that:

Quote:
"Hello dear, I'm back." His mother gently said, then relized he was crying. She hurried over to his bed and said "Honey, is everything okay?"

"No, everything is not okay, my Sunflora is gone!" Darren did not mean to sound so rude, but didn't care anyways. He just wanted to see his Sunflora's yellow face again, smiling back at him. He remembered the day he found it, ten years ago.
Simple, right? Not to mention it makes the paragraph look much less clumped together and much more proper. Just remember: a new speaker calls for a new paragraph. Most writers have this problem when they begin, but it is also easy to fix.

Quote:
He ran up, shouting "Hey! You get away from that Sunkern!" But, of course, they did not listen. Instead, they turned on him. You could tell that they where about to jump on him when, unexpectedly, the Sunkern tackled one! Darren was surprised by this, but did not waste a moment. He ran home as quick as he could, and told his mother everything that had just happened. She rushed towards the battle with her Swellow not far behind. But, they had a little surprise when they saw what had happened. The sunkern was just sitting there, smiling at itself. The Nincada where spread out around it, every single one knocked out and bruised in one spot or another. Darren was just standing there, amazed. The Sunkern then jumped on him, almost knocking him over. It seemed as happy as could be, and he returned the expression. His mother was standing there, amazed as well. She called Swellow down and told it everything was okay. Swellow had a quizzical look on its face, but did not inquire further.
I noticed while I was reading this that the words "the Sunkern" seemed to get a bit repetitive. While this isn't very serious per se, it's important to avoid repetition as much as possible in your writing. How, though, with something as simple as a Sunkern? Well, a lot of fanfiction writers would mix it up a bit, by using different wording that stays obvious to the reader. For instance, the words "the Sunkern" could be used once, and then in the place of that same term a sentence or two later, you could add something like "the seed Pokemon", or "the tiny yellow creature". This serves two purposes: to avoid repetition, and to add description in a more unique way than just stating something's appearance.

On that note, this whole chapter could have used a bit more description of the Pokemon. Other than Sunflora and Belossom, you didn't really describe the appearances of them. What about Sunkern's appearance? Nincanda? Gloom? Smeargle? Small words of description here and there would give the reader a better picture of the scenes and the creatures involved.

I really can't think of much else to say. You're on the right track, though, that's for sure. The "October forest" setting was beautifully described, as were things such as Sunkern's evolution. I admit to having felt a little bit like crying when I started reading that last paragraph. That's what to aim for. All writers of things like this, be them novelists or fanfiction authors, strive to make their writing as descriptive, touching, and expressive as possible. They want to hook the reader into the story in hopes of more. It's the writer's responsibility to give them more. And I'm confident that you'll only get better from here on out, with a little work at it.
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Old June 28th, 2008, 07:24 PM
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Definiately better.

Well, you got me interested and waiting for the next chapter.
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Old June 29th, 2008, 07:54 AM
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Chapter three: Another point of view.

He did not enjoy his job, in fact, you might say he hated it. But he had no choice, he was an Absol. Most Absol's tend to bad events, but few are assigned specifically to one person. He was one of those few. He remembered his assignment day, the wind was running through his milky white fur, his sleek, black claws digging into the dirt, his blade, in all of its jet black glory, gave him a sense of pride. He wasn't happy though, even though all signs would say he was. Saul (his name,) was not fond of the idea of leaving his family and tracing unfortunate events. He would rather be one of the wild ones than be a tracer. In fact, he almost did join the wild ones at one point. He didn't because he realized the pain and suffering it would bring his family. He stayed at home and lived his life up until that day. That dreaded day. He was second in line, only because his mother made him wake up early. So, of course, he didn't get to prepare himself mentally for the assignment.

"Saul, come on up please." The chief elder Absol called. "Your assignment is a very special one, I want you to follow a young boy named Darren Shore, until either you are recalled, or either of you die." One could not begin to describe the look of shock on Saul's face, he was assigned to a specific human? How could this happen, he had no special skills that he knew of, and (as the the elders knew) hated the idea of being a tracer.

"Sir, are you sure you have not made a mistake?" Saul said, hoping it was true.

The elders face remained stoic as he said "Sorry son, I have not made a mistake. You have enhanced telepathic abilities, and therefore can aid humans better than any other." He ended to this by saying "Next!"

Saul was scared at the thought, he did not want to watch one person. He wanted to see the world (or wherever he was assigned to,) not watch some bratty snot nosed human child. But, being a tracer was what he had to do. "Well, you have to do what you have to do." He thought, trying to hold back his depression. At least he found out something new about himself.

He decided to try out his new found ability before beginning his job. He walked up to a human carrying a briefcase, and concentrated really hard on the person and said "Hi, how are you?"

The human simply said "I'm late for work,that's how I'm doing." Saul was surprised that this man did not ask who was there, but humans were an odd species.

He followed Darren for four years before it happened. One vital detail you must know is that an Absol's job is not just to follow a person, but to protect them, to an extent. They would let the bad event unfold, but keep the event from getting any worse. They make sure the human didn't get killed. But the Absol's who cover a large area can only help so many people, so some may die, if the event is big enough. The event that Saul experienced left a scar on him that would never heal, but granted him a new form of respect among his fellow tracers. He was watching Darren, his assigned human, when he broke his leg on a trampoline, a seviper was out, catching its lunch, and saw a zigzagoon run by Darren. The seviper lunged at the zigzagoon, poison practically dripping from its fangs. The small raccoon Pokemon dodged the attack, but Darren did not have the same luck. He just sat there, paralyzed with fear and pain, and watched the events unfold. Saul jumped in front of Darren, just in time to get his blade hit by seviper's fang.

"Leave." Saul hissed at the seviper.

"No," The seviper hissed back, "that zigzagoon is still hiding behind that child, tracer."

Saul did not know what to do, should he fight the snake, or give it the zigzagoon? He decided on the former. He lunged at the snake, creating a sizable gash in its body.

The flames of hatred burned in its eyes as it returned the attack, only to receive another, larger gash.

One could tell that if it were not hurt so, it would have kept up the fight, but instead said "If we meet again, tracer, you will have a few more scratches than the one I just gave you." and slithered off.

Saul realized that Darren was staring at him, and quickly jumped away. He wondered what the seviper meant when it said, "You will have a few more scratches than that one I just gave you." As far as he knew, it only hit his blade, and that was with its head. Then, as he passed a pond, he realized what it meant. As he gazed into the glass like water he saw his blade. A long scratch was stretched from the tip to the base of the blade, the fang must have hit it. He did not feel the scratch due to his lack of nerves in that area, and was glad it was that way. He quickly rinsed it in the water, to eradicate any poison that may have gotten on it. As he stared in at his new self, he realized he needed to get back to work. The small human was about to find out he had to be in a wheelchair.

The many events in Darren's life unfolded like an accordion, and Saul was there to witness every unfortunate one. Right up to the earthquake. He had seen Darren jump out the window, and new he would not last long. He rushed over to Darren and saw him unconscious, and covered in dirt. Saul gave out a loud bark to draw attention, seeing that the paramedics where nearby. He then ran away.

He followed the ambulance all of the way to the hospital, and stationed himself outside of Darren's room, awaiting his awakening. He stood there, with the whine of sirens blasting into his ears, just like a dog would wait for its owner. He followed the small Shore family, on their way to the funeral for the Sunflora that followed Darren around. He was in the shadows, listening to the eulogy, when he decided enough was enough.

As Darren walked up to the podium in the church and began his eulogy, that was when Saul made a decisive action. Saul crept in through the shadows so he was close enough to telepathically say to Darren "I am truly sorry for the loss of your Sunflora, but I think I may be able to help."

Darren was cut short by this, and spoke in quite a surprised manner "Who said that?" He had heard the voice from his dream.

"We'll talk later." Saul said. "Just finish your eulogy. I believe you where at the part about watching Sunkern turn into Sunflora"

Well, later came, and Saul found Darren, sitting in one of the pews, crying. "Hello Darren, its me again."

Darren jumped to his feet at this, and shouted "Who said that? You must be messing with my head, you sick, twisted bastard!"

"Calm down, and look at the back of the church." Saul peacefully said. Darren looked at the back of the church and saw him, in all of his white, silky glory.

"An Absol?" He thought "In a church?" He then shouted "Who's Absol is this, come out, now!" But, no answer came, aside from the Absol staring at him, as if waiting for him to realize something. He broke down at this, "Can't you just leave me alone?" He sobbed "Can't you see I'm already in enough pain?"

Saul knew that humans weren't the brightest beings, but with the facts all laid out neatly like this he wondered how humans could have survived this long, but still be so ignorant. He walked up to Darren and said "Your Sunflora called itself Flora, just like your mother."

Even one of the dumbest humans on earth would of gotten it this time, but Darren was scared and confused, so he still did not get it. "Who are you?" He repeated, "Just come out!" But all he got was the Absol's patient stare. At this, Darren knew that somehow, the Absol was talking to him. "How." He muttered "Pokemon can't talk, only the strong psychic types. I must be going crazy! I must be imaging all of this!"

Saul was about to give up when he thought of something "Darren, if I where imaginary, could I do this?" At that Saul scratched a small mark onto Darren's hand.

It was just a simple scratch, but Darren finally got what was going on. "How can you talk?" Darren asked the Absol.

The dog Pokemon raised its paw and patted its head and said "Telepathy, some dark types have mind powers to you know."

Darren, having accepting the fact that he was talking to an Absol, said "You said you could help, during my eulogy, right?"

"Right." Saul told him. "First off, my name is Saul, so don't give some stupid nickname like 'Fluffy' or 'Whitey' got it? Also, under no circumstances will I go into one of those infernal pokeballs."

"Got it." Darren replied. Saul then continued to explain all of the facts it knew about Darren's Sunflora.

Close to five o'clock (the funeral started at three) Saul finished with "I'm sure that Flora was happy, and wouldn't have wanted you moping about, wishing she where here."

As if on cue though, his mother came in and said to him "Darren dear, Its time to go home, that surprise I mentioned is waiting." She then saw the Absol and said "Your little friend can come too, maybe I'll call him Fluffy, or maybe Whitey," Saul just groaned at this and followed Darren to the car.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, this one took some work. I was up until 1:13 in the morning writing this one, not including revision. many of the spelling and grammatical errors are due to the fact that I use wordpad instead of Microsoft word (my mother hasn't re-installed word yet, we got a new computer.)
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Old June 29th, 2008, 10:35 AM
iLike2EatPiez's Avatar
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Well, pretty good. This time around it was more of a plot-chapter than an emotional-chapter, but you need a good mix of those to have a story, so that works out great. I enjoyed the description of Absol life and culture, and how Saul disliked his lifestyle. That was a unique twist, as few fanfics really get deep into the aspects of how wild Pokemon live and work. Some use it, and usually those that do end up being fics that stand out amongst others.

Probably the most major issue I noticed here was the lack of a setting. Where was all this taking place? There's plenty of description of characters and the like (I love how you gave Saul such great detail); now you need to focus just as hard on your locations. For instance, it was never specified what kind of place the Absol family lives in. The reader's mind will start to wonder, "What, so is it a forest? Do they live in caves? A grassy field?" Give us the answer to location-related things like this in your writing, otherwise where are we to assume the action is taking place?

Not much else there. I'm more of the type to review on plot holes and issues with the reasoning of the story, but I suppose I could take a moment to go into grammar. Now, I am aware you don't have Word. Neither do I. Plenty of fanfic authors don't. But I think there were a few gramatical mistakes that need to be mentioned, seeing as you won't learn to fix them just by using Word (and sometimes Word doesn't catch everything). For now let's work with just one portion of a paragraph, though, for the sake of simplicity. I've bolded, underlined, and numbered grammar mistakes so they will be noticable and easy to reference.

Quote:
He did not enjoy his job 1., in fact, you might say he hated it. But he had no choice 2., he was an Absol. Most 3.Absol's tend to bad events, but few are assigned specifically to one person. He was one of those few. He remembered his assignment day, the wind was running through his milky white fur, his sleek, black claws digging into the dirt, his blade, in all of its jet black glory, gave him a sense of pride. He wasn't happy though, even though all signs would say he was. Saul 4.(his name,) was not fond of the idea of leaving his family and tracing unfortunate events.
Numbers 1 and 2 are pretty much the same problem: improper use of commas. "He did not enjoy his job, in fact, you might say he hated it," does not work because the second part of the sentence (in bold) is incomplete. If you were to read it properly aloud, it would seem awkwardly rushed. Instead of that comma, you could use a period and turn the second half into a sentence of its own. I get the feeling that this paragraph has a sort of deep mood to it, and technical non-fragment sentences sometimes disrupt this mood, so you could just change this sentence and the next (as they have the same problem) to something like this:

Quote:
He did not enjoy his job. In fact, you might say he hated it. But he had no choice; he was an Absol.
Notice how I used the semicolon (;) in the second sentence rather than doing the same thing I did to the first? Semicolons are very useful punctations, as long as you remember not to over-use them. Every now and then, they are good for keeping the flow going without breaking things into more sentences or improperly inserting commas. Think of a semicolon as an abbreviation for a comma followed by the word "and", or another more fitting conjunction. In other words, it connects two seperate parts of sentences properly without the use of "and", "yet", "but", and other words that would just make the flow of everything seem more choppy and ruin the feeling of your writing.

Quote:
Most 3.Absol's tend to bad events...
Okay. This is a lot more simple than that last one. An apostrophe (') is used to describe posession. For instance, you would use "Absol's", before a noun that is something the Absol(s) own. In this case, you do not need an apostrophe, because the sentence is telling something that the Absol do, not what they own.

The way I think you are trying to use the word "Absol" here is to make the term plural; you want to show that you are talking about more than one Absol, as in the whole society of them as a whole. In Pokemon fanfiction, pluralization gives you two options. If you've ever seen the anime, multiple Pokemon of the same species are always referred to by the same name they usually have. For example, rather than saying "The Pikachus" while describing three Pikachus, characters will say "The Pikachu", to refer to all three of them. All Pokemon species follow this rule. However, fanfiction authors also use the regular pluralization for most nouns, which is simply to add an 's' at the end of the name (while in the case of a Pokemon like Skitty or Dustox, they would be respectively pluralized as "Skitties" or "Dustoxes", just like singular nouns that normally end in 's' or 'x', and this also works for name sending in 'sh', 'th', 'ch'... et cetera). Therefor, the two correct ways to punctuate this would be:

Quote:
Most Absol tend to bad events...
Or...

Quote:
Most Absols tend to bad events...
Moving on, I marked out "was" in one sentence (you probably noticed it) becuase without a conjunction (and, yet, but, etc.) after a comma, was is not needed. It's a bit confusing to me, sometimes, too...

Quote:
Saul (his name,) was not...
Lastly (at least that I noticed in that paragraph) is that comma inside the parentheses. It's un-needed. I think you were thinking you needed a comma to continue the sentence like at the end of a dialogue. Actually, it should just be:

Quote:
Saul (his name) was not...
See? No comma needed.

Phew! *sighs* How do you grammar-reviewers do this to whole chapters? I guess I'm just being a bit over-specific... Well, grammar isn't as big a deal once you get Word, becuase it will alert you if there's a problem like three-fourths of the time, but you do need to be wary of the one-fourth of the time when Word either doesn't suggest anything specifically or simply doesn't notice something. Hopefully that helps you at some point in time.

All in all, a nice chapter that while lacking in some parts remains very interesting. It really makes the reader want to know what is coming up next. Good luck, and keep 'em coming! Now I'm going to go play Pearl Version...
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Old July 1st, 2008, 06:28 PM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Chapter four: New news.

The car bumped up and down on the dirt road, but Darren was used to it. Saul, however, was not. He was feeling rather nauseous by the time they got to the small cabin in the woods, and promptly barfed as soon as he got out of the car.

"Little car sickness, eh Saul?" Darren chuckled. he could use a good laugh right about then.

"Well, I'm definitely not smelling the roses." Saul retorted, between fits of vomit.

" So Saul is his name, well, that's good to know." Flora said, proceeding to take the flowers from the funeral out of the car, smelling each one as she grabbed it. "Darren dear, would you mind helping?"

"Yes mother, coming." Darren said, turning to the car. As he grabbed a pot, he couldn't help but take a sniff. Much to his surprise, the flower sniffed back! "Mom, what kind of flower is this one?"

His mother looked at the flower. It had a brown stem that led up to a yellow bell shaped head. "Well, that's a Bellsprout!" She said in surprise.

"A Bellsprout? How did we get it?" Darren asked. "Also, why would someone give us a Bellsprout?"

"Maybe it was on purpose, did you think of that?" Saul said, having recovered somewhat from his car sickness.

"Maybe you are right dear, maybe it was on purpose." Flora said.

"Mom, I didn't say tha-" Darren stopped, should he tell his mother about Saul's ability to talk to humans? "Yes, maybe it was on purpose." He agreed

"Well, either way, its ours now, so its going to the garden." His mother said, taking the new pokemon to the garden. On the way there she thought about the surprise she got for Darren. Boy was he going to love it!

"How are you feeling Saul? Still sick?" Darren asked.

"Not really, although I would rather not ride in that blasted contraption again." Saul replied. He then noticed the puddle of his vomit was flowing towards him and suggested that they go inside.

Inside the house Darren gave Saul the grand tour. "This is the kitchen," he said, pointing to a sparkling white tiled room, "and this is the living room," he pointed to a brown carpeted room with a blue couch and small wood framed TV, they continued in this pattern through the greenhouse and into the garden.

Saul could not believe his eyes, all of the flowers, ranging from delicate violets to beautiful roses and to the tallest sunflowers (Darren still could not look at them) and the pokemon. He saw a Bellosom sitting in the sunlight, its red flowered ears pointed out the window, and an Oddish and the bellsprout where placed next to each other. The bellsprout pointed its yellow head towards the small patch of grass that was oddish. The small sprout pokemon let out a cry and the oddish replied by jumping out his pot and flinging all of the dirt on it into Bellsprouts face. Saul chuckled to himself at the antics of the two plant pokemon. They went back into the house through a back door and continued to the upstairs rooms. He showed Saul the bathroom (pointlessly, of course) and his mothers flower coated bedroom, then finally, his. He had forgotten of all the things in his room that would remind him of his friend Flora. There was a picture from his trip to the beach, him and his flower friend, smiling. Boy, would he miss those beautiful summer days, walking through the woods with his Sunflora, soaking in the scenery. All of the green, mixed with the light of the sun, made the shadows dance. He looked at the picture again, only to see Flora's bright, grinning face, staring back at him. He could bear it no longer, he fell on the bed, crying.

Saul realized that Darren might want some time alone, but still meekly said " Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, you can go home! I don't even know why I brought you here!" Darren shouted at him.

"So be it." Saul said, as he was turning to leave. He was halfway down the stairs when he realized three things. One, he had interacted with his subject to the point where his subject had talked to him, which was an extremely bad thing. Two, he had no home now. If the elders saw him at his home, they would send him away from the tribe forever, and he would never see his beloved forest home again. Three, he had not predicted the earthquake, as all Absol's do to prepare themselves for the events to come. If he had not predicted the earthquake, something must have blocked him from seeing it, meaning that somewhere out there there was a maniacal psychic, ghost, or dark pokemon who had somehow caused the earthquake, and did not want Darren to live. He knew that Darren was the target because most of Fallarbor town was on solid bed rock, the building Darren was in at the time was the only one in town not on the bed rock. He returned to the room, with a mask of shock on his face.

Darren saw him there, and asked "What are you still doing here? I told you to go home!"

Saul just stood there, his mouth agape, and said "I just discovered something you might want to hear." He then proceeded to tell Darren all he knew about the situation.

Darren sniffled as he said "Whoa, who would want me dead?"

"I do not know," Saul said "But whoever it is, they are a pokemon."

"Well, what can we do?" Darren said in a dismissive manner.

Saul was feeling rather life changing that day, and said "We'll find out who it is, that's what we'll do. I have a few friends around the forest, they might be able to help." He knew the magnitude of this statement, but still stood by it. He always wanted to jazz his life up a little bit, and he was not going to pass up an opportunity to do so.

The two discussed the matter, but their discussion came to a halt when a shout from the lower floor said "Darren, dinner is done!" Darren jumped up at this comment and rushed downstairs. Saul had followed him, as he too was getting hungry. When they got downstairs, Saul saw, to his dismay, a bowl of pokechow, sitting on the floor. "I didn't know if your new friend would be dining with us, so I went ahead and poured some food for him." Darren's mother kindly said, wearing an apron that said "kiss the cook" in bold, crimson red letters.

"You expect me to eat this?" Saul said, looking at the bowl of small, brown pellets in disgust. "I would prefer some berries at least."

Darren, having heard his friends comment, asked his mom about it. "Why sure dear, not all pokemon like the food made for them, I understand." She then went to the fridge, and pulled out a bag of fresh oran berries. They where so big and blue that Saul that that they would explode. He watched with glee as Flora replaced the bowl in front of him with the oran berries. Darren had a vegetable pizza, which was covered with green lettuce, crimson red tomatoes, and vibrant green peppers. They where vegetarians after all (as most people where.)

Later, after dinner, Darren (after consulting with Saul) decided to tell his mother everything, from Saul's telepathy, to the plot on his life. She was standing during the last part, as she was dusting, but after hearing about an attempt on her sons life, fell onto the couch in a heap.

"Are you okay mom?" Darren said. He walked up to her and checked her pulse. He felt two reassuring thumps, and let out a sigh of relief. He did not want another loss.

"Darren, we should leave. Whoever tried to kill you will probably try again, we need to get you out of here, and into hiding. Your mother would slow us down with an extremely emotional goodbye." Saul said, heading towards the door.

Darren could not believe his ears. He would not want his mother waking up and wondering where he went. "Look, Saul. I'll leave with you now, but not without at least leaving a note."

"Fine, you humans can be so emotional sometimes." Saul said with a groan.

Darren went over to the desk and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. He poured his heart and soul into the letter, not knowing how long he would be gone. He wrote that he would return someday, no matter what the cost.

"Finally, let's go." Saul said, standing at the door.

"Saul, we may want to find another way out." Darren said, looking out the window.

"What do you mean?" Saul said, with a confused look on his face. Darren opened the door, so only a screen door was separating them from at least a dozen Medicham's and Alakazam's. All of which where led by an Espeon, who, as many psychic types (but few dark or ghost types, sadly) was telepathic.

This Espeon looked rather disgruntled when it shouted to its pokemon cohorts "Attack!"

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That's it for now. I was hoping to end at least one chapter with a cliffhanger, so I did. For now, your stuck with this. Also, how long is an average chapter in a story, and am I close to average that way? P.S. what would people in that world do about meat, eat pokemon?
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Last edited by Blue Screen of Death; July 3rd, 2008 at 06:29 PM.
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  #16    
Old July 3rd, 2008, 11:39 PM
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Hm... VERY interesting. Now I'm even more hooked than I was before!

This is getting more and more unique as it goes along. For one, I can tell you're using what is called the "Third-Person Omniscient(sp?)" point of view. This POV allows the reader to 'see' what multiple characters are thinking, rather than just one. For instance, in this chapter, we could see the emotions and thoughts of Saul, Darren, and Flora. This is not at all a bad thing; in fact, it is a rarely-used POV that when applied right can make the story much more interesting.

I'm also liking the take on vegitarianism. To answer your question, it does make plenty of sense that in a world full of creatures with supernatural powers, humans wouldn't be mass-producing the potentially dangerous and intelligent Pokemon for food. However, as you implied by the words "as most people were", some might hunt or simply eat Pokemon meat. Seems like vegitarians would be a lot more common.

To answer your other question, chapters really don't (and shouldn't have) a particular length set out for them. As long as it's over a page (to follow the rules, of course), all that really matters is your description and plot. It could be a couple paragraphs or half a book as long as it's got that. The reason I'm not going to say any particular length if because it might pressure you to try to force your chapters along with filler to make them that length, or shortten them because they may be "over the limit". Just write as much as you think you should. Different chapters have different plots, moods, and circumstances, also; ALL of your chapters don't need to be the same length.

The only real constructive critisism I can think of for you now is that it seems a bit rushed. Just a tiny bit. Every writer has this probelm at some point, though. It should work itself out with practice and experience, in time. Which is the main thing I have left to say. This is getting good. I remember when I was at this point in my writing, when I just started to improve (In fact, I think I'm still sort of at that point... XD). You'll notice your writing start to evolve and improve the more you do it, but for now, just keep at it! This is getting me interested and ready for more! The mystery of who (or what) is trying to kill Darren, and more importantly, why, simply will not be put to rest in my mind until it is solved within this fic! I can't wait for the next update.
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  #17    
Old July 5th, 2008, 11:15 AM
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A good chapter, seems a little rushed, but overall it doesn't hurt the flow too much.

As the above reviewer pretty much summed up everything i'll end with my options about the two questions you have presented.

The length for a chapter can vary greatly, and theres no real minimum or maximum for chapter length. The best incidation in my opinion is the reviews you get. Generally if the reviewers are telling you its rushed or needs description, then in most cases that is a very good sign that your chapters are too short. Not too helpful here where only a few review fiction however. Its also possible for a chapter to be too long but I find that is a lot rarer.

In answer to your second question, its dependant on how you see the "pokemon world" in general. If you go by the anime, you get a rather unusual mix. Ingame, there are references to people eating Pokemon, the main ones being focused on the pokemon Farfetch'd, the second is refered to in two books located in the Canalave Library which have references to the comsumption of Pokemon by people as a food source.

The first is from a book in the game known as "Sinnoh Folk Stories". If you read part one, you get this

"Pick clean the bones of Pokemon caught in the sea or stream.
Thank them for the meals they provide, and pick thier bones clean.
When the bones are as clean as can be, set them free in the water from which they came.
The Pokemon will return, fully fleshed, and it begins anew."


The second is from another book in the same library known as "Veilstone's Myth". In it, it has this:

"...With it(a sword), he smote Pokemon, which gave sustenance, with carefree abandon
Those not taken as food, he discarded, with no afterthought.
The following year, no Pokemon appeared. Larders grew bare..."


Although these are but myths, they clearly show signs that at least in the past, from the games point of view, that people did actually eat pokemon for substenance and not just occasionally.

But do remember, it is ultmately up to you how you present the world. It is entirely possible for a much larger percentage of vegetarians to exist. You need not change things if you do not want, since as the writer its entirely up to your interpidation. I have wrote fiction relating to the the live birth of some pokemon,which goes against whats shown in the game and the anime.

I hope that helps you out.
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  #18    
Old July 8th, 2008, 06:49 PM
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Chapter five: on the run.

Saul did not know what to say. Everything went by so fast, one second they where staring at an angry mob, the next they where running away from it.

Darren ran to his mother instead of the back door, only to get a look from Saul that told him to hurry. "Mom!" He shouted, trying to no avail to wake his mother. The pokemon where advancing on him, but he stood firm over his mother.

Saul saw this great act of bravery, but knew Darren would not stand a chance. His tracer instincts took over as his dark claws screeched doom as he jumped through the air, attacking the invaders. He managed to scare them, but that was all. After all, it was a highly trained strike force against one simple tracer. How could he hope to do more than slam his head onto the side of the blue couch.

"Silly Absol, you would never be able to defeat us!" The Espeon taunted, as the group closed in

It was silenced however, by a large purple blast that had emanated from Saul's body. "I still have a few tricks left, silly Espeon." Saul said. The intruders where sprawled across the room, all groaning in pain. They all then fell limp and became unconscious. "Wow," He thought, "I don't know my own strength."

"Darren dear, can you get the Ibuprofen? " Flora groaned, getting up off the couch. She looked around, only to add confusion to her headache. "What happened here Darren?" She added as she headed towards the kitchen.

"Well, that is something I would like to know as well." Darren replied, giving a questioning look to Saul

"What?" Saul said, "How am I supposed to know?"

"You are the expert on pokemon here." Darren told him. He was waiting for Saul to say something when he heard a groan. He looked for the source and saw it. The Espeon that had led the attack was waking up. He started walking towards his baseball bat when he heard a sudden metallic thud.

Both Darren and Saul where looking at Flora in amazement as she walked back to the kitchen. "Well, did you expect me to let it wake up?" She said as she replaced the metal frying pan in the polished wooden cupboard.

Saul walked over to the Espeon and checked it out. Its purple fur was covered with dirt, indicating a long journey. It had a long crack down the red gem on its forehead, obviously from the hard hit from the frying pan (when Saul mentioned this Flora was blushing a little).

"Darren," Saul called, "we need to go!"

"I know, but what do we do about my mother?" Darren replied with a worried tone.

"I'll be fine dear, I have all of our pokemon to protect me." Flora said.

"Mom, whoever is trying to kill me isn't going to stop, so please listen to me and come with us." Darren worriedly argued.

"Darren, I can look out for myself. How do you think I survived all these years?" His mothered replied.

"Fine." Darren said, while moving towards the stairs "If you must stay, I want to give you something." He walked up the stair and into his room. He then proceeded to move a poster with a Jolteon on it aside to reveal a safe. He turned the spinner to the correct combo and opened the metal box. Inside where twelve red topped white bottomed capsules, otherwise known as pokeballs. He was saving these in case he ever decided to take the gym leader challenge. He gathered the pokeballs and headed downstairs.

When he got there he saw his mother, once again with the frying pan, standing over the Espeon. It was standing up, with a paw on its forehead, Groaning (even though only Saul could understand it) "Wow, my head hurts."

Just before it could receive another hit to the head, it dashed through the open door, and to freedom. "Darn," Saul said, "he could have given us valuable information."

Flora was putting the pan back when Darren gave her the pokeballs. "Here mom, put the fainted pokemon in these." Saul saw the infernal capsules pass from Darren's to his mothers hands, and then onto the knocked out pokemon.

"Can we go now?" Saul impatiently said, "I need to contact my friends."

"Alright already!" Darren said, being a little louder than he meant to be. He turned to his mother and heart fully added "Well mom, I guess this is goodbye."

"No, not goodbye, more like see you later." Flora replied, with a tear in her eye.

He was wearing a gray shirt under a gray vest when he left. His mother had personally packed his bag, making sure to include some of her homegrown Oran berries (much to Saul's delight). Both him and his mother where crying as she handed him a package. "Here," she said "I bought this for you and picked it up while you where in the hospital. Its a poketch, I had to order it online, all of the way from Sinnoh!" She started crying harder at this.

"Wow mom, thank you!" Darren replied, with tears in his eyes. As he walked away he shouted to her "I love mom!"

"I love you too honey!" Flora replied.

A few hours afterward, while he was walking through the forest (he had stopped crying), he heard a rustling in the trees. He knew all of the types of pokemon in those woods, but he did not know the ones that only came out at night.

"Don't worry, its one of my friends." Saul said, adding "You can come out Sable."

"Well, one out of one hundred and fifty times you've seen me." A Sableye replied, coming out of the bushes. Her diamond eyes shined in the moonlight, and her deep, crimson red ruby embedded in her chest gave her a sense of glory.

"Darren, meet Sable, one of my friends in the forest." Saul said, with his head pointed towards Darren and his front right paw pointed towards Sable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I know it is short. I ran out of ideas for this chapter, so I ended it shorter instead of forcing ideas.
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Last edited by Blue Screen of Death; July 9th, 2008 at 05:25 PM.
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  #19    
Old July 9th, 2008, 02:58 PM
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iLike2EatPiez
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Well... Sorry to say but it seems like the quality of this chapter was sort of lacking compared to that of the others... All the same, I'll review as always.

Quote:
Saul saw this great act of bravery, but knew Darren would not stand a chance. His tracer instincts took over as his dark claws screeched doom as he jumped through the air, attacking the invaders. He managed to scare them, but that was all. After all, it was a highly trained strike force against one simple tracer. How could he hope to do more than slam his head onto the side of the blue couch.
Repeated words. While this problem isn't so serious, it's a good thing to avoid as often as possible, and one of the many reasons to re-read your work with a very close eye. Try to read the sentences with the bolded words out loud, and you'll tell that they just don't sound quite right. Using certain words more than once in the same sentence, or even in consecutive sentences, can disrupt the flow and sentence fluency of your story depending on the circumstances. Just re-read. If something seems too repetitive, edit it out. Replace the words or re-do the sentence.

Quote:
"Darren," Saul called, "we need to go!"

"I know, but what do we do about my mother?" Darren replied with a worried tone.

"I'll be fine dear, I have all of our pokemon to protect me." Flora said.

"Mom, whoever is trying to kill me isn't going to stop, so please listen to me and come with us." Darren worriedly argued.

"Darren, I can look out for myself. How do you think I survived all these years?" His mothered replied.
Okay; escuse me if I missed this, but when did Darren actually explain to his mother what was going on? If you told your mom someone was not going to stop trying to kill you, would she reply so simply? I mean, yes, they were just attacked by a group of Psychic Pokemon, but still as far as Flora would be concerned that has nothing to do with her son being killed. And why doesn't Darren ask her what she means by "surviving all these years"? Whoever is after him is after him, right? So if he left why would someone harm her? Obviously this would imply something she knows that he does not. Again, excuse me if I'm missing something here. It just seemed very confusing.

Quote:
Yes, I know it is short. I ran out of ideas for this chapter, so I ended it shorter instead of forcing ideas. (advertisement)
It does not matter that it's short. That is perfectly fine and reasonable. What matters is that it seems rushed and hurried, and felt prone to opening plot holes and logic errors because of this.

I've been in this situation before, when I had no ideas to write but kept on writing anyways. This was my flaw, and it led to the abandonment of my fic. My advice? When you can't come up with ideas, don't rush your chapters. Or better yet, take a break. Stop writing the fic for a little while. Trust me, I know from experience, there is absolutely no use in writing when you don't feel up to it. No matter how exciting you plan to make the next chapters or events, there is a great chance your fic will lose readers and quality if you rush things. So, don't worry and don't force anything. No one will kill you for taking a while on your next chapter. In fact, the way I see it, the longer the wait, the better the chapter will turn out. Take your time. No need to hurry or rush.

Oh yeah, and the advertisement... I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. And if it is, then it's still annoying. This is the fanfiction section. Your RPG has nothing to do with it. If someone wants to RP, they'll go to the RP section. If you want to advertise, leave it in your sig, not your fics.

Also, I'm still reading and excited about what happens to Darren. Don't think I've lost any interest here. I'm still reading and ready for more! =)
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  #20    
Old July 30th, 2008, 04:30 PM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Chapter six: Sable.



Sable, a normal Sableye, born unto Sarah and Adam Gemini, lived in a cave near Lavaridge town. She never had much trouble in her life, mostly due to the fact that she kept to herself. Her only friend was a particularly annoying Shuppet name Annette. Sable and Annette grew up as friends and stayed that way throughout their whole lives.

"But I'm getting ahead of myself. This whole time you've been sitting here, listening to my story, but I never gave you my name. My name is Fredrick Charles, and my small blue friend here is Marin, a marill as you can see." an elderly man tells you. This man is wearing a well worn green jacket, with a blank blue shirt under that. He still seems to have a fair amount of brown hair on his head, but you can see the Grey coming in. You met him in the woods you are currently in, while you where looking for a very elusive Shroomish, and he invited you to come to his camp, which seems, more like a canoe held up on one end by a stick and a fire. When you had both become comfortable he started this story he has been telling you, up until this point, in which he decided to introduce himself. He seems trust able, and hasn't a single thing to make you think otherwise. "Are you hungry?" He asks, reaching into a sack lying near his canoe and pulling out two long, sharpened metal rods and a bag of marshmallows. He hands you one of the rods and sets the marshmallows off to the side of the fire, at a point where you can both reach them. "If you want any, help yourself." He says, then adds, "Well, I guess I should continue my story. Where was I again? Ah yes, Sable."

Sable met Annette while helping some of her tribe search for berries in the forest. She reached up to pluck a berry, when Annette creeped up behind her and stole her entire harvest so far. Sable searched everywhere she could think of, looking for her basket. The last place she checked, which of course the last because she had no need to continue looking once she found it, was the tree she started at. She looked up and saw Annette, munching on the berries, even though there where only a few left.

"Hey! " She shouted, gaining the small, Grey, puppet ghosts attention, "Give those back!" This, of course, did not work. All it did was startle the Shuppet and make her run away. The only problem with this was that the small ghost didn't know which way to go, and flew straight into the whole Sableye tribes village. When she realized her mistake, she turned back, only to see Sable, jumping through the trees, to catch her. "This is easier than I thought it would be." Sable thought, her pursuit of the small thief. She managed to catch the Shuppet by jumping at it when it tried to pass her. The only part she didn't think of was the fact that instead of jumping towards another tree, she jumped out, right over the path, with nothing to catch. She wasn't high enough up to seriously hurt herself, but when she landed she did create a crack straight down the middle of her the ruby embedded in her chest. She still had a hold of Annette though, who was screaming "Let me go!" This attracted quite a bit of attention from the other villagers, who all came to see what was goin on. Annette and Sable wrestled each other on the ground, one trying to prevent the others escape.


The village elder walked up to them and said "Sable, what exactly are you doing?"

"I'm stopping a thief, thats what I'm doing!" She replied, between clenched teeth. The elder just sighed and picked both Sable and Annette up and carried them to Sable's house. When they got there Sable was forced to explain what she had done, and the small Shuppet was asked where she had come from. She was sitting silently the whole time Sable was telling her side of the story.

"Well, I don't really have a home, I just live around here." Annette said, hoping they would let her go soon.

"Well, where are your parents?" Sable's father asked.

"I have no idea, last I saw them they where captured by some human." Annette had her head down during the whole thing, but if any of the others had looked closely at her they would have seen that she was crying. This statement made the others in the room gasp, except Sable who was still mad at her for stealing the berries.

"Since no one else will ask, I may as well. Could you tell us how your parents where captured?" Sable asked, her face stoic.

"Sable!" Her mother said, but before she could say anything else Annette said "It's alright, I'll tell you. Me and my parents where about to head home from having a little fun with some humans on the mountain when we see another one. We decided to have one last bit of fun by throwing a couple berries at him. We climbed up a nearby Oran berry tree, when the human sent out a Gengar. We knew that we wouldn't be able to get away with anything after this, so we decided to leave. Right as we turned to go, the Gengar jumped in front of us a put my parents to sleep. The next thing I know two red and white balls hit my mother and father in the head and a bright red flash of light goes off. Then the balls start shaking, and after three shakes they both stop. I heard that this only happens when the pokemon inside is to weak to fight their way out, so I would think that they were tired from the days events. All of a sudden the Gengar turned in me, but I knew what would happen if I attempted to free my parents, and I did not want to suffer slavery to some human. So I ran, I ran as fast as I could, crying the whole time. I couldn't believe what had just happened, I didn't want to believe it. That was last year, I've had to live on my own the whole time." Everyone else in the room was aghast, even Sable, who up until then had been to angry to show any other emotion. Sables mother walked up to Annette and wrapped her arms around the weeping pokemon.

"It's okay," She said, in a attempt to calm Annette down, " you're safe now." Annette felt better when she heard this, but couldn't stop crying after having told her story.

The elder then walked into the middle of the group and said "I believe that Annette needs a home, and I can only think of one way to solve this problem. Sarah, Adam, will you take Annette into your home?" Sable was silently pleading her mother not to, she just couldn't see how she could stand having this annoying Grey pest around.

After a short, whispered conversation with her husband, Sarah said "Yes, of course."

Annette and Sable had the exact opposite faces at this. Annette's was a face of happiness and belonging, and Sable's face was one of sorrow, and fright. Sable quickly ran out of the room and into the forest. She found the tallest tree she could and climbed all the way to the top. She had not intention of jumping, because she knew that this would not benefit anyone. Her mother had followed Sable into the forest, with her father at home, helping Annette get settled in.

She found Sable, in the tree she had climbed, and soothingly said "Sable, please come down."

"No!" She shouted back "How could you take that thieving little brat in?"

"Sable, darling, she needed a home, and we had one to give her. Did you think we would just throw her out on the street in her time of need?"

"No, I just didn't want her living with us!" Sable retorted.

"Sable, please come down, we'll work this out." Sarah said. Sable didn't have much choice, it was either stay in the tree or go home with her mother. She almost stayed in the tree, only to avoid Annette.

"Alright, I coming down." She said, much to her mothers relief.

"Thank you, I'm certain things will be fine." Her mother said, relieved that her daughter was getting out of the tree.

Sable's mother was right, everything did turn out alright. At first Sable was reluctant to be around Annette, but eventually they started to get along, and became great friends. This lasted for two years, but then they met Saul. He was just returning from seeing his newly made scratch on his blade, and he was hit by an oran berry by none other than Annette. Annette had become a Banette by then, and had no trouble throwing things now that she had arms. Sable was picking the berries, and passing them down to Annette. Annette would then throw them and they would both have a good laugh. This was especially true when they saw a particularly angry Seviper pass and get hit in the head with a rotten berry, and start thrashing around in anger. Saul was different though, he could sense that they where there, but knew that attacking them would be a bad idea.

Instead he walked towards the tree they where in and, much to their dismay, climbed it and saw them. Before they could run he said "I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?" Annette hesitantly said.

"No, I'm not." Saul confirmed, adding "I could use your help. Do you know of the tracer Absol's?"

"Yes, any self respecting pokemon does." Sable replied climbing down.

"Well, I would like you to assist me in this, but only when we are in the same area of course, I'm not going to ask you yo come with me." Saul said, knowing that he wouldn't be able to help Darren alone every time.

"Well, I don't see why not." Annette replied, looking to Sable for her answer.

"I'm okay with it." Sable added, but continued by saying "But only when where in the same area, right?"

"Right." Saul said.

"Okay, if we are ever in the same area, and you need help doing your job, just ask us." Sable said, with an approving nod from Annette.

Saul didn't have any need for their help, but simply visited them many times. He finally asked for their help now, when he and Darren where running through the forest, after being attacked by the squad of assailants still at Darren's home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I baaaaaaaaaaaack! I apologize if my female characters are not very feminine, any help in that matter would be greatly appreciated. Also, any questions you may have about the story, feel free to ask them. I'll answer them to the best of my ability.
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