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Old July 4th, 2008 (07:16 PM). Edited July 19th, 2008 by Burnt Flower.
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Author’s Notes: Happy 4th of July, PC! =D

Yeah, I tried my hand at writing a journey fic. Hopefully, I didn’t screw up too badly. XD

Rated R for good reason. Violence and extremely disturbing themes abound.

Now, without further comment...


Maggots of Society

Prologue: The Perfect Dream

Andrew Morton woke up with plenty of time to spare the day he had to get his first Pokemon.

He was up before the first rays of sunlight penetrated the gloom of night, way up before that awful Dodrio screeched its usual morning greeting, and most definitely up before his annoying Pokeball-shaped alarm clock started beeping.

Yes, Andrew had meticulously planned to the last insignificant detail for many long weeks beforehand how this glorious day would turn out. After all, he needed to be at top of his game in order to completely destroy everyone’s hopes of ever becoming successful Pokemon trainers. But most importantly, he craved with an almost sickening and desperate fervor for Professor Oak’s undying approval.

Appearances were everything in this image-driven world, and Andrew was confident that he would make an excellent and long-lasting impression on Professor Oak. He had practiced in front of his mirror religiously each and every day; from the best way to compliment the professor’s pristine lab coat, to the perfect timing on when to laugh at his reused, unfunny jokes. He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.

Andrew picked up his backpack which he had packed many days ago with all the essentials for his journey, and headed downstairs.

Hoping against hope that the thing was still sleeping, he tiptoed down the mahogany staircase. With each careful step, he made sure to pause to listen for any suspicious noises. Hearing none, he continued his descent. Just when he thought he was free at last, all his hopes were dashed once he saw it at the foot of the stairs.

His mother.

“Hi, sweetie!” she greeted him in an annoyingly high, sing-song voice. She was wearing a loosely fit red dress that practically consumed her small frame and had her hair up in a messy bun. It was a truly nauseating sight.

No matter how many times he saw her, his extreme loathing pumped through his veins, poisoning his very heart. Andrew bit his inner cheek, not wanting to lash out and ruin everything. He focused on his throbbing pain on the inside of his mouth, the metallic taste of his own blood, anything than to see into the eyes of the despicable woman who was beaming fondly at him. But even as he faced this mental ordeal, a voice at the very back of his mind reproached him harshly. All those long years of carefully honing his guise would utterly go to waste if he couldn’t even deceive this monster into believing he was a normal, little boy who loved her back.

With this in mind, but cringing inwardly, he answered sweetly, “Hi, Mom!”

“Come on, I made breakfast!” she said happily, taking his hand.

Andrew followed her reluctantly, his fake grin still painfully plastered on his face.

Once they were inside the kitchen, Andrew noted bemusedly the large quantity of food laid out in the table. He sat down, losing all of his appetite on the spot.

“I know you’ll become a wonderful Pokemon Master. Just be careful out there,” his mother cautioned, frying some bacon.

Andrew stared at her blankly with his deep, brown eyes but said nothing. Deep down, he knew his mother was a well-meaning, kind person who was proud of him and honestly wanted the best for him.

And yet that didn’t matter.

He still wanted her dead.

She was also a silly, foolish woman who completely underestimated his full potential and never failed to point it out every single day. If she somehow thought that there was a slight possibility that he would fail at becoming a Pokemon Master, then she was far more idiotic than he had imagined.

Entertaining himself with a fantasy of his mother pleading for mercy as he systematically pulled her nails off one by one with a plier, Andrew was able to keep his composure and smile naturally back at her.

“I can’t believe you’re already leaving on your Pokemon journey,” she mused out loud, dumping the shriveled bacon on his plate. “I’m sure you’ll do well.”

Andrew grunted in reply, looking down morosely at his piece of burnt bacon. He was pretty much used to the outpouring of praise from practically everyone he had ever met, thanks to his deceiving persona, so a loving compliment from this devoted individual didn’t mean anything to him by this point. He only sought Professor Oak’s undying admiration; everything and everyone else was merely secondary.

Lost in his own thoughts, Andrew was completely caught off-guard when his mother wrapped her arms around him, pulling her only son into a warm, tender embrace; Andrew squirmed uncomfortably in her grasp, restraining the urge to savagely stab her with the butter knife.

“I love you so much,” she said softly, completely oblivious that her blatant display of emotion was only fuelling Andrew’s dangerous hatred even more.

“I… love you, too,” he lied smoothly, fighting down the nausea that was bubbling at the pit of his stomach.

To his immense relief, she finally let go of her death grip. She ruffled his black hair affectionately and kissed his cheek before turning to open the fridge. Once her back was turned, he wiped off the smudge of her cheap lipstick with his napkin. Slightly scowling, he resumed eating his breakfast, but not before furiously cursing his mother under his breath. If Professor Oak had seen that ugly thing, his grand entrance would’ve been completely ruined.

Once he finished, he thanked his mother insincerely for the ‘marvelous breakfast’, and hurried out the front door. Maybe if he was quick enough, he wouldn’t have to say good-bye…

“Bye, Andy! Take care!” his mother shouted tearfully, waving a white handkerchief in the air.

“Bye,” Andrew replied with as much sadness as he could inject into his voice, hiding his euphoria at leaving his wretched home forever.

It was still dark out, but this is exactly what he wanted; he couldn’t let other pathetic ten-year olds beat him in getting the best Pokemon nor greeting Professor Oak first thing in the morning.

After a long, chilly walk, he finally arrived at the laboratory. With bated breath, he entered the sliding doors, looking expectantly in the crowd for his teacher. Almost immediately, one of the Professor’s aides came up to him, wringing his hands.

“The Professor is running some important errands, but will be right back. Why don’t you wait for him?” the aide suggested good-naturedly.

Repressing a shudder once he saw the man’s greasy, pimply complexion and idly wondering why his hero worked with scum, he beamed.

“I have no problem with that,” he answered politely, knowing full well that he needed to be nice to the Professor’s lackeys.

Andrew made himself comfortable in one of the chairs; he folded his hands over his lap, and made sure to have his back perfectly straight, preparing to wait for him.

Every second that passed without Professor Oak by his side seemed like a year that stretched on everlastingly onto the next; his face ached painfully with the effort to keep up his charming smile; but he kept at it, confident that all his effort would pay off in the end.

When he heard heavy footsteps by the entrance, he turned eagerly.

“Yes, Professor?” he answered sycophantically, but his happy façade slightly fell once he realized it wasn’t his adored idol that had finally arrived.

Andrew didn’t recognize the tall, bedraggled teenager slumped over the doorway who stared at him with a terrible mixture of horror and pity. Covered from head to toe in soot, sweat and blood, he was appallingly out of place in the spotless laboratory. His matted, grimy hair partially hid his astonishingly blue eyes, and his nondescript clothing was muddy and ripped in several places.

When the stranger took a step closer to him, Andrew’s heart began to race.

“There’s no one here, Andy,” the stranger whispered gravely in a hoarse voice, his pale face aghast.

Andrew raised his eyebrows in polite skepticism, forgetting his fear for a minute, wondering if the guy was delusional. “What do you mean? The professor’s aides are just right over there.” He pointed straight at the group of scientists who were diligently working in their respective tasks. Once they heard him, they all stopped to mechanically smile in unison; Andrew flashed one of his perfect smiles in return, his erratic heart easing slightly.

The outsider shook his head, his disheveled brown hair hanging limply over his heavily-scarred face.

“Andrew…” the teenager began, but his strength seemed to falter mid-sentence. Once he regained his valor, he looked straight at him with startling, sad blue eyes.

“Everyone’s dead.”

It took several long seconds for Andrew to fully comprehend his words, and yet, he shook his head defiantly.

“No… that’s not true,” he remarked off-handedly, laughing it off. “Right, guys?”

When he turned around, the sight that greeted him was distinctly, and horrifyingly, different from a moment ago. Pieces of broken glass littered all over the floor, reflecting the silvery glow of moonlight that spilled from a broken window high above. Wrecked machinery sparked ominously, now mere scraps of twisted metal contorted in menacing shapes.

“Guys…?”

Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

And then Andrew saw him.

He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.

Andrew screamed – a high, agonizing howl full of pain that seemed wrenched out from the very depths of his soul. He collapsed, his knees buckling beneath him. It was in this very moment – curled up among the grime of the dead, his cry still reverberating off the cracked walls – that Andrew began to remember. His failed, imaginary world soon dissipated only to be replaced with flashing images of the true reality: a pile of fetid bodies rotting below the sweltering glare of the scorching sun, an entire city burning under a crimson sky, the blank gaze of a little boy, and a beautiful, young woman smiling serenely amongst the chaos…

…That woman…

In his crushing despair, he only managed to choke out one word through his wails.

Her.”

This stranger, Jason, nodded somberly, his haunted blue eyes alight with an all-consuming, powerful hatred. “Her.”

“She was the one to-to-to…” Andrew couldn’t continue; Jason placed a consoling hand on his back and nodded.

“What do we do?” Andrew said hysterically, his large, brown eyes shining with tears. He grabbed onto his best friend’s tattered collar with shaking, bloodstained hands. “What the fuck do we do now, Jason?” he almost shouted, his thin chest heaving agitatedly with each panicked intake of breath.

“You know what we have to do,” Jason said incredulously, ignoring Andrew’s strong hold on him. “You’ve known all along.”

Andrew let go of his ragged shirt, covering his face with his blood-drenched hands, as his lanky frame shook from the force of his sobs.

In one swift gesture, Jason pulled out a gleaming pistol from his faded coat, and handed it to Andrew, who looked positively terrified. The gun in Andrew’s grasp trembled violently, and his dark face was still wet and glistening with tears, but the next words he spoke to Jason had an astounding determination that he thought would never say.

“Let’s do it.”

***********
So err, how was it? I hope someone enjoyed it. Regardless of whether you liked it or not, please do comment if you have read this. Thank you!
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Old July 4th, 2008 (07:29 PM).
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Hey, I saw no errors.

And I do love the plot that's going on here. Wow. A fic I actually like. I'm just glad someone posted a great story and proofread this thing, has description down pat, a plot that's going somewhere, and good length.

Very well done.

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Old July 4th, 2008 (07:45 PM).
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One word. Dayum. That was good stuff, there. I'd been waiting for this one ever since the preview, but this was much much better than I had thought. And I thought it would be good.

Everything was done nicely, from the suspense, pacing, (gruesome) description, imagery and characters. Twisted characters are always so much more fun to write, aren't they? You certainly did this one well, as I really could understand (if not know why) what Andrew was thinking about. As I'm sure you know, with fics like these it's always good, if not necessary, to get inside the main character's head and really flesh out the story as it goes along.

Quote:
Andrew stared at her blankly with his deep, brown eyes but said nothing. Deep down, he knew his mother was a well-meaning, kind person who was proud of him and honestly wanted the best for him.

And yet that didn’t matter.

He still wanted her dead.
Climactic bits like this are always favorites of mine, and you pulled it off excellently here. The difference between Andrew and his mother was so well highlighted during this scene I really enjoyed reading it. It's always great to see when themes are really pulled off well.

Quote:
It was still dark out, but this is exactly what he wanted; he couldn’t let other pathetic ten-year olds beat him in getting the best Pokemon nor greeting Professor Oak first thing in the morning.

After a long, chilly walk, he finally arrived at the laboratory. With baited breath, he entered the sliding doors, looking expectantly in the crowd for his teacher. Almost immediately, one of the Professor’s aides came up to him, wringing his hands.

“The Professor is running some important errands, but will be right back. Why don’t you wait for him?” the aide suggested good-naturedly.
One question. You say it was early, why was Professor Oak supposedly out on errands? I imagine it was just his fantasy talking, though.

Quote:
Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

And then Andrew saw him.

He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.

Andrew screamed – a high, agonizing howl full of pain that seemed wrenched out from the very depths of his soul. He collapsed, his knees buckling beneath him. It was in this very moment – curled up among the grime of the dead, his cry still reverberating off the cracked walls – that Andrew began to remember. His failed, imaginary world soon dissipated only to be replaced with flashing images of the true reality: a pile of fetid bodies rotting below the sweltering glare of the scorching sun, an entire city burning under a crimson sky, the blank gaze of a little boy, and a beautiful, young woman smiling serenely amongst the chaos…
This here really made the fic. Seriously, up until this point it was a good, albeit somewhat normal looking OT fic. But when this happened, I sat up straight and shook my head. Great, great description. From the disemboweled Pokemon, to the destroyed lab, to the body of Oak, all was really a shock (and I've read a lot of fics, very few of which ever shock me).

I imagine I've filled you up with about enough hot air, so let me say this. Just about the only real thing that I noticed was how you nearly always said Andrew. Instead, it would help the flow if you described him during this instead. Something Mix is always on me about. XD

Short of that small detail, fantastic job there. I always enjoy dark fics, and this one looks to be one of my favorites already. Already left us with a cliffhanger, too. My kind of start. XD
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Old July 4th, 2008 (08:07 PM). Edited July 4th, 2008 by BeachBoy.
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Well, that was incredible in my eyes. I was biting my tongue waiting for this, you absolutely shattered any "standard" I was expecting. I absolutely loved it. As horrifically gruesome and painful your descriptions were... they simply hammered me with excellent imagery. I know I know, I sound like a drooling, bland monkey who has nothing but compliments, but it was just that good for me. The scene of Andrew, where he was about to stab his mother with the butter knife put in all the chips for me, I just said "wow." This is going to be one fine fiction.

I love everything so far, as completely twisted and different as it may be. Well done, Burnt Flower, well done. All these possibilities are flying through my head, and it makes me even more of a drooling monkey...waiting, craving for more. Overall, like I said, I enjoyed it. And it's really odd, as in how I absolutely hate horror, yet you've drawn me in like a fish to fake worms. Interesting Clair has yet to be "seen." And the unexpected twists in this kept me interested and pulled. I can't say anything constructive to make you improve, as any of my suggestions (And I don't have any anyway) would probably degrade such. I'm just a by-standard that rarely reads a fic, and I just loved it.
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Old July 4th, 2008 (09:43 PM).
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Oh dear, you have to post this on the greatest day in American history. The horror! =O

Anyways, quite like this. I love how you actually have the fic start off differently, mainly everyone in the lab massacred. O.o Also, like everyone else, that girl might've been Claire. Maybe Chapter One will put how she came to the lab and killed everyone?

There's one thing, though. Even though I'm amused of how Andrew didn't like his mom, at the same time I'm wondering what would make him think like that. I think I missed something though? ^^; If I'm right on that though, I assume that explaination will come later.

Anyways, already to an exciting start and can't wait for the next chappie. ^^
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Old July 5th, 2008 (08:55 AM).
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You guys....rock so much. <333333333

SilverSmeargleSplatter: I was very careful about checking and correcting my mistakes (though there still may be some that I overlooked, heh), so I'm glad that grammar-wise, my fic isn't too bad. XD Thank you for taking the time to read and review...and it's always a big plus that you enjoyed it, too.

AND CONGRATTTTTTTTS! YOU'RE THE FIRST REVIEWER!

Duncan:
Actually, making it normalish looking was intentional on my part; I tried to twist the whole 'Waking up late, eating breakfast mom made, going to lab scenario' which is one of the cliches rampant in OT fics. I'm going to be subverting (hopefully) some other things, but will be important to the plot. And the hallucination itself has some important clues. :3 I'm relieved that I was able to write Andrew in a convincing manner (though why he is that way will be revealed much later on). And yes, the whole errands thing was just his fantasy talking and the point where people would think something ws off...maybe I should've made it a bit clearer. XDDD And yeah, that was my favorite scene, though I also enjoyed going into Andrew's mind in the beginning. And I'll try to describe Andrew more...I also think I repeated Andrew's name too much. =P Thank you so much for the reviewwwwwww! *hugs*

BeachBoy: Haha, I'm blushing, thanks for the compliments. XD You hate horror?!? And you liked this? O_O Whoa, that is really some of the best praise I've received. (: Heh, everyone liked that part with Andrew and the butter knife. XD But now I'm feeling slightly nervous with all this great expectation concerning the next chapter. D: I'll try to live up to everyone's standards and try not to disappoint anyone. But it's this type of response that makes writing this fic all worth it. Thank you for your awesome review! :D

Bay: (I'll also post my same reply to you in SPPF ) Yeah, I thought it would be a nice date to post my fic...I'm so weird. XDDD

Actually, the chapter in which she kills everyone off will be a bit later on since this is the future....though the nice reviews almost convinced me of continuing the action. ; Oh no,the reason why he hates his mom so much will be revealed gradually as the fic goes on. :3 Thanks Bay! This means a lot. *gives cookies*




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Old July 5th, 2008 (09:04 AM).
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People, I forgot to say it, but do you want to be in the PM List?
Ah. PM lists. I though they only did that on Serebii. xD

But sure. I'd love to be in the PM list for such an awesome story. :D
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Old July 5th, 2008 (09:18 AM).
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Quote originally posted by SilverSmeargleSplatter:
Ah. PM lists. I though they only did that on Serebii. xD

But sure. I'd love to be in the PM list for such an awesome story. :D
They... don't here?

Well...I am sort of new, so I don't know how things are done here. ;
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Old July 5th, 2008 (09:23 AM).
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That is probably one of the most disturbing things I've ever read......




.......And I loved it!!


Your descriptions were utterly perfect, I really felt that Andrew was a real person and not just a puppet who does the same generic things with no emotion. And the carnage... oh the carnage.... it was described amazingly, your description of the disemboweled Wigglytuff was somehow satisfying, and I cannot wait to read more.

BRAVO!
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Old July 5th, 2008 (09:24 AM).
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Darn you Amy getting all these reviews already! *shakes fist*

Quote:
Appearances were everything in this image-driven world, and Andrew was confident that he would make an excellent and long-lasting impression on Professor Oak. He had practiced in front of his mirror religiously each and every day; from the best way to compliment the professor’s pristine lab coat, to the perfect timing on when to laugh at his reused, unfunny jokes. He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.
I love this passage, from the very get-go you're just making this Andrew fellow seem like quite a sycophant annoying jerk. VERY refreshing from the usual average goody two-shoes main character of journey fics. He reminds me a bit of Tracey, except not as grossly obese.


Quote:
No matter how many times he saw her, his extreme loathing pumped through his veins, poisoning his very heart. Andrew bit his inner cheek, not wanting to lash out and ruin everything. He focused on his throbbing pain on the inside of his mouth, the metallic taste of his own blood, anything than to see into the eyes of the despicable woman who was beaming fondly at him.
A certain song from my favorite kids' show Arthur comes to mind. "Crazy bus! Crazy bus! Riding on the crazy bus!"

Quote:
he wiped her cheap lipstick marking off his cheek with his napkin.
Oooh, I don't like the wording of that bolded phrase. I would suggest "wiped off the smudge of her cheap lipstick" but its up to you.

Quote:
a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards,
Purplish innards. Love it



Certainly a very....interesting...beginning to what I have no doubt will be a very twisted journey fic. It took me a second glance before I realized that first half of this prologue was some sort of delusional fantasy. And this world is in chaos now. I kept thinking "her" was referring to his meemaw, but for some reason, I just don't think that's who this evil woman is. I do love female bad guys though. I didn't see any grammatical errors, you clearly put a lot of effort into polishing this! Very enjoyable read. It has a different feel than most of your other works, the other ones seemed a bit more dense, but I like this new direction your taking this fic in as well. You still have plenty of horrifying imagery, but it feels more curt and sharp.

Keep us the excellent work, Halle!
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Old July 5th, 2008 (09:33 AM).
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!

Amazing story, really. I too am surprised that Andrew didn't like his mother. I remember you saying that the "hero" would be almost as equally twisted as Claire, but DAAANNNGGGG!

I'm just curious, how did Andrew walk past all of the bodies in the first place without knowing it? Was he just in some illusion that was snapped by Jason entering? I think I might have missed somthing...

YUM BACON!!!

I'm also equally confused with the pistol scene at the end... what, is he now a Psychopath or suicidal???

Eh, just tiny bits that I think about WAY too much... amazing prologue though . I normally don't like being with a buhjillion other people in supporting something, but I'll make an exception for this XD!
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Old July 5th, 2008 (10:21 AM).
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Oooooooh more reviews! =D

Yuoaman: I really tried to get myself in Andrew's shoes and this fic will be very character-driven. And you guys have no idea how much I loved writing about the carnage. Or maybe you do? XD I'm glad you also loved it as well! *gives candy*

IceKing: Feniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, it's such a nice surprise to see you here! <3

LMAOOOOO! I love it when you mention Tracey's supposed obesity. XDDDDDD And yes, Andrew is an ass-kissing idiot. OMG you were also an Arthur fan???!!!!! I LOVED that show! =D

I didn't like it too much either, I shall change it!

Oh damn, maybe I wrote that scene too fast? I really wanted it make it crystal clear that the first half was some delusion of his little mind. Female bad guys are LOVE.I really tried my hardest to make this as typo-free as possible - I'm glad my effort paid off. :3 Yeah, my writing is a bit different than my one-shots, though I have a feeling that I'll revert back to that in some future chapters. ;

Halle...........Amy......................*WHACKS WITH A FAN*

But still, thank you for the lovely and thorough review. :D *hugs tightly*

BREAKINGBEN: I kept my promise, didn't I? Yes, he was hallucinating and Jason entering the scene finally snapped him out of it.

Haha, I added all the bacon references as a joke, seeing as so many OT fics do it. XDDD

Thankies for the review, Ben! :3.
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Old July 5th, 2008 (10:43 AM).
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Oh god that ending was great, it really makes me want to see what's going to happen next. :3

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
Andrew stared at her blankly with his deep, brown eyes but said nothing. Deep down, he knew his mother was a well-meaning, kind person who was proud of him and honestly wanted the best for him.

And yet that didn’t matter.

He still wanted her dead.
That was my favourite passage and it made me laugh out loud.. XD I loved it can't wait for more. You also have a very good use of words I want to point out.
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Old July 5th, 2008 (10:57 AM).
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Relyt: I really wanted the ending to come as a surprise, so I'm happy you enjoyed it as well. Heh, I quite liked writing that part; Andrew is a pretty interesting character to write about. XD Thanks for stopping by! =D
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Old July 5th, 2008 (02:05 PM). Edited July 5th, 2008 by Shrike Flamestar.
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Okay, I was gone yesterday and read this earlier but got too caught up in writing my own fic to reply until now <_< I'll just reply here rather than at Serebii as I need to boost up my post count plus Serebii is a little too unstable sometimes... I’m not too good with reviews, but I’ll tell you what I think anyways!

I LOVE IT! It’s well written, the characters are nice, the plot is interesting, the blood is bloody, the descriptions are all great without being overbearing... You did the fantasy world part very well, and I was indeed fooled at first until the cracks began to show. I’m not sure whether the whole ordeal with his mom was part of the fantasy or if only the lab was, but judging from Andrew’s reactions to his mom I don’t think he would exactly fantasize about her... Speaking of which, I love that whole scene with Andrew and his mom. Kind of like me and my parents sometimes, sans me wanting to kill them. I would never do that. :O

Heh. *Pokes Jigglypuff’s purple guts* You should have had a dead Pikachu in the lab as well, to further add to how everything is the exact opposite of Ash’s experience. :D ...Or maybe I just yearn to see Pikachu die. Either is a good excuse.

Well, I can’t want to find out what it is that they plan to do, but I know that may be a while, so... I can’t wait to meet up with Claire or however you decide to go about chapter one! I’ll be watching...
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Old July 5th, 2008 (03:07 PM).
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Shrike Flamestar: As long as a person tells me what they truly think about my fic, I think it's a good review.

"the blood is bloody"...that made me laugh. XDDDDD

The whole mom thing was part of his hallucination, the lab part was not. He had her in his hallucination because....I wish I could tell you. =O

I loved writing about Jigglypuff's guts!

Haha, maybe I'll add a Pikachu dying...or something just as horribly. *winks secretly*

Claire will finally make her entrance in Chapter One. Claire's plans will be revealed gradually as time goes on. :3

Glad to have you aboard! *hugs*



Important note: After some thinking and guidance from Oni Raichu, I think I'm going to scrap the whole PM deal, or at least just post in your profiles instead of PM. I don't know which option I'm going to take yet. :3 Since I'm relatively new, I didn't know that PM Lists aren't usually done here, so thanks Oni Raichu!
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Old July 8th, 2008 (09:58 AM).
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Okay... *rubs hands*

Since I suck at regular reviews, I'll just quote the parts which I liked best =P

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
Appearances were everything in this image-driven world, and Andrew was confident that he would make an excellent and long-lasting impression on Professor Oak. He had practiced in front of his mirror religiously each and every day; from the best way to compliment the professor’s pristine lab coat, to the perfect timing on when to laugh at his reused, unfunny jokes. He had cultivated his perfectly hypocritical image with loving care, and had been especially cautious that his true personality wouldn’t crack his beautiful, deceitful mask.
I LOVE this paragraphs. It really shows Andrew's personality. How old is he again? Very mature thoughts for a kid. Why does he like Oak so much and hate everyone else?

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
Hoping against hope that the thing was still sleeping, he tiptoed down the mahogany staircase. With each careful step, he made sure to pause to listen for any suspicious noises. Hearing none, he continued his descent. Just when he thought he was free at last, all his hopes were dashed once he saw it at the foot of the stairs.

His mother.
ROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAO!!!!

That was so FUNNEH!!! At first I thought that was his sister or something, but this was just, I don't know if you mean it that way but, lol

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
Repressing a shudder once he saw the man’s greasy, pimply complexion and idly wondering why his hero worked with scum, he beamed.
Another lol moment. It lets us dive deeper into Andrew's personality, is a little disturbing but funny as well.

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
“Hi, sweetie!” she greeted him in an annoyingly high, sing-song voice. She was wearing a loosely fit red dress that practically consumed her small frame and had her hair up in a messy bun. It was a truly nauseating sight.
Y'know, this wants makes me symphatise with Andrew. I don't mean stabbing my mom or anything but y'know, she just seems so, for lack of a better word, annoying.

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
When he turned around, the sight that greeted him was distinctly, and horrifyingly, different from a moment ago. Pieces of broken glass littered all over the floor, reflecting the silvery glow of moonlight that spilled from a broken window high above. Wrecked machinery sparked ominously, now mere scraps of twisted metal contorted in menacing shapes.

“Guys…?”

Andrew could make out the unmistakable shapes of Pokemon amongst the carnage; a Spearow’s decapitated head hidden behind an overturned table, a Jigglypuff oozing a strong, yellow liquid from its purplish innards, and what looked like a severely disfigured Mankey, its limbs bent disgustingly as jutted bones poked out in different directions.

And then Andrew saw him.

He made his way through the massacre, almost in a trance-like daze, as he approached his old mentor. Professor Oak was sprawled on his back, his body strangely frail and almost childlike in death. His eyes – those same eyes that had always seemed to hold immeasurable wisdom – were now open wide in unimaginable terror, a petrified expression forever etched on his face. His once spotless lab coat was slashed into shreds, revealing numerous crimson orifices underneath. Andrew bent almost reverently over his fallen hero, gently placing his dark hands over the fresh stab wounds; his blood was still warm.
Okay, *shudders*. This was the disturbingest (is that a word?) moment of this fic. Extremely unexpected. I love the way you described the bodies. I tried to describe a corpse in one of my (dead) stories but it just came out... wrong. However, you do it perfectly.

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
…That woman…

In his crushing despair, he only managed to choke out one word through his wails.

Her.”
@__@

What the F-word?! When I saw this, the first thought that came to my mind was his mom. But then, after thinking, I realised that it might be Claire.

I hope it's his mom though. Would make a really surprising twist.

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
This stranger, Jason, nodded somberly, his haunted blue eyes alight with an all-consuming, powerful hatred. “Her.”
A question here: How does Andrew know Jason's name?

Quote originally posted by Burnt Flower:
In one swift gesture, Jason pulled out a gleaming pistol from his faded coat, and handed it to Andrew, who looked positively terrified. The gun in Andrew’s grasp trembled violently, and his dark face was still wet and glistening with tears, but the next words he spoke to Jason had an astounding determination that he thought would never say.

“Let’s do it.”
Ooooh, cliffhanger. Me likey.

The plot? I can't see much of a plot here really. Unless it involves slashing people and pokemon. Either way, I wouldn't mind.

Andrew seems like an awesome charector with a razor sharp personality. I bet it'll be interesting when he meets Claire.

And so I end my review with these words.

I LEIK T3H FAN FIEC!?! IIT ES T3H R0X0RS!!!

Hyuk, Hyuk.
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  #18    
Old July 8th, 2008 (10:01 AM). Edited July 8th, 2008 by txteclipse.
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The writing is good. I'll give you that. However, I'm afraid I'm going to be your anti-thesis for most of this fic, given what you've written so far. I don't think sociopaths should be taken lightly at all, and I'm going to reiterate that plenty. This isn't some subject to be trifled with or subjected to casual scrutiny. It's very real, and there are deadly consequences for not treating such heavy subjects as though they are a bomb waiting to go off. Do your research, know what kind of effect you may inadvertently create by writing about this subject matter, and tread lightly.

Quote:
“What the **** do we do now, Jason?” he almost shouted, his thin chest heaving agitatedly with each panicked intake of breath.
Meh. The swear word seemed out of character. First off, the kid is ten, and second, he seems like he thinks too much of himself to use the "common tongue". It actually detracts from his self-righteous image. Granted, he was freaking out a bit, but still.

That said, this kid's personality is fairly well-wrought. He thinks of nothing but himself, which leads to his delusion. However: motive, motive, motive. Was he abused? Was he betrayed? This type of personality doesn't evolve overnight. I'm sure character development will happen, though, so I'll wait and see what comes up.
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Old July 9th, 2008 (12:21 AM).
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After reading this first chapter over several times, I can't seem to tell what is going on... is that deliberate or is the reader meant to have a fair idea as to what's happening? After the lab bit I got completely lost.

It's a very gripping and descriptive story though. Even though I'm puzzled by it I would definately like to see more.
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Old July 10th, 2008 (05:57 PM).
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Someone gave me a 4?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!|1one!!!

Haha, now onto the reviews!

Poke poke:
Andrew is in his teens when he hallucinates and when the massacre happened. His admiration for Oak will be explained later. Do take in mind that his mother may or may not be that way really. XD Jason is his best friend. I really need to clear that up. D:

I'm glad you like my fic! And thank you so much for the reworked review!!!! I still have MUCH work to do on the plot. ;;

txteclipse:
Actually...this was one of my favorite reviews. XD I have been researching, but I admit that Claire is the first character I have ever written as a true sociopath, so I suspect she isn't as perfect as I hope she'd be. I 've been reading from this page mostly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

If you have better links, I'd GREATLY appreciate it!

I'm not too sure about what possible consequences nor the effect that you mean, but please tell me so! Since your mom works with real sociopaths (what's her job?) I really want more advice from you.

Actually, Andrew is not ten when he swears. He had imagined himself as a ten-year old, but he's already in his teens when he says that. Sorry for the confusion.

Yeah, I have a motive to why he's that way. I still have a lot of work to do, though.

Thank you for your comments, and I hope you can contact me so you can help me out, please!

Amoeba:
Everything before the lab bit was a hallucination, the lab bit is what's "real". Yeah, I wanted it to be a bit confusing but not THAT much. Sorry. XD After the lab bit, I suppose you mean when Jason gave Andrew the gun? I still haven't revealed what they're planning to do. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me!
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Old July 11th, 2008 (06:58 PM).
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Extremely confusing, disturbing, and well-written.

Probably the most disturbing part to me is how he totally despises his mother and everyone else he meets...
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Old July 11th, 2008 (10:30 PM). Edited July 11th, 2008 by txteclipse.
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Quote:
txteclipse: Actually...this was one of my favorite reviews. XD I have been researching, but I admit that Claire is the first character I have ever written as a true sociopath, so I suspect she isn't as perfect as I hope she'd be. I've been reading from this page mostly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy
Err...glad you liked it? Actually, I trust wikipedia for the most part myself when writing, so it's probably not that bad of a source.

Quote:
If you have better links, I'd GREATLY appreciate it!
I don't at the moment, as I don't really research psychopaths all that often. I may be able to find something, though.

Quote:
Since your mom works with real sociopaths (what's her job?) I really want more advice from you.
She's a court investigator. She literally goes to talk to crazy people to see if they need to be locked up. Then she tells me what happened, like when she interviewed a guy that had gouged his roommate's eyes out with his bare hands and then had eaten his face off in a drug-induced psychosis. Such is the world you're delving into.

Quote:
Actually, Andrew is not ten when he swears. He had imagined himself as a ten-year old, but he's already in his teens when he says that. Sorry for the confusion.
Aha. I get the whole illusion thing now. That was a bit confusing.

Quote:
Thank you for your comments, and I hope you can contact me so you can help me out, please!
Lol...help you out. I almost can't even call it that. Okay: Sociopaths are the epitome of societal destitution. They are almost invariably the result of a drug problem, extreme case of nervous disorder, some type of drastic abuse, a problem since birth, or a combination of the foregoing. Their position is not funny. It is not "cool". And above all, it is not to be taken lightly. Granted, good horror writing needs a source of horror, so there has to be a balance struck somewhere.

This leads straight into why I said there are consequences for not being careful with this stuff. Sociopaths, unless they are truly mentally gone, usually seek some sort of gratification from what they do. It could be some type of feeling that they have taught themselves to feel while killing or injuring or otherwise doing "unsociable activities." Also, in their unstable mental state, they are more prone to try to find justification for doing what they do. Many things can set them off, anything from a violent movie to a depressing song. So if you're directly writing about sociopaths, what they do, and how they do it, little red flags start popping up in my head. It would be a very rare case indeed, but you could inadvertantly convince someone "right on the edge," so to speak, to do something not so good.

I would almost say that it's too small of a chance to worry about, but this story is literally talking directly about sociopaths and their thought processes and I've seen the damage real-life ones can cause. That's why I'm asking you to treat the subject matter carefully. That said, try not to worry too much. You did rate the story "R", and you can't really be held accountable if someone reads it that shouldn't and it messes them up.

On that note, there has been some great work done with sociopaths as characters. "Dexter" is actually one of my favorite shows, and I love "Criminal Minds". As long as this doesn't become "murderer's porn," as I will tentatively call it, where there's tons of killing for absolutely no reason, I think you can count me as a reader. That last sentence actually pretty much sums up perfectly what I want you to avoid, but you seem to be doing that so far (avoiding it I mean).
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Old July 12th, 2008 (07:43 AM).
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Oh yeah, one more thing: Swordplay is something that takes years to learn and become expert at, so I hope you don't have Ren or Kairn be too good of swordsmen too early. Things that make little logical sense get on my nerves more than anything else in an otherwise well-written story. How long was Ren training for?
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Old July 12th, 2008 (12:11 PM). Edited July 12th, 2008 by Burnt Flower.
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I have a request: to the person who gave me a one star, could you please tell me why you didn't like it? I'm not going to get mad or anything, but I want an explanation. Thanks.

Lusankya: Thank you for your (first) comment on my fic, I'm glad you liked it that much!

But...
Quote:
Oh yeah, one more thing: Swordplay is something that takes years to learn and become expert at, so I hope you don't have Ren or Kairn be too good of swordsmen too early. Things that make little logical sense get on my nerves more than anything else in an otherwise well-written story. How long was Ren training for?
Uhh...I think you got confused with another fanfiction, because there is no Ren nor Kairn here. Nor are there any sword fights in my story. o_o;;;;

txteclipse: Okay then, I'll continue to use wikipedia. And wow...your mom has some real guts. I hope talking to those people doesn't affect her too much...

I don't know what you're trying to say with the "cool" bit (you mentioned it before in my preview)... I really hope you're not saying that I think animal abuse is funny or that I agree/consent with the horrible things my characters do. o_o Seriously, I'm not like that.

See, this is exactly why I wanted you to comment again. I didn't know that things like a depressing song or a violent movie could set them off. I need to research a lot more thoroughly then. That whole paragraph was very helpful indeed.

I've never watched "Dexter", and I think I've seen one episode of "Criminal Minds", so I'll ask...what makes these shows so enjoyable to you? I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me, mostly with the motivation of each character, and their drive behind each of their actions. I don't know if you'll like this fic or not, but I sincerely appreciate your comments. *nods*



TO ALL: Chapter one will most likely appear early next week. I wrote a good chunk of it last night.
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Old July 12th, 2008 (12:57 PM). Edited July 12th, 2008 by txteclipse.
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Oh yeah, one more thing: Swordplay is something that takes years to learn and become expert at, so I hope you don't have Ren or Kairn be too good of swordsmen too early. Things that make little logical sense get on my nerves more than anything else in an otherwise well-written story. How long was Ren training for?
Whoa. I think this is a tad misplaced. Erm...I'll quote it into my own thread and answer it there, okay?

Quote:
I've never watched "Dexter", and I think I've seen one episode of "Criminal Minds", so I'll ask...what makes these shows so enjoyable to you?
"Dexter" is a show about a sociopath that kills other sociopaths. He's part of the FBI if I'm not mistaken, and uses his clearance to get at people that are always one step ahead of his coworkers. The people he goes after are unbelievably meticulous and intelligent, as is he, and so it's almost like a war with him trying to find the sociopaths as they leave behind these unbelievably well-thought-out crimes.

It's a very interesting show. Dexter is a conscientious killer, so to speak, and he was caught by his dad torturing animals as a child. His father at first tried to break him of the habit, but when Dex couldn't stop, he taught him to only go after people like himself. So as an adult, we have this sociopathic Dex that is at once disgusted with society, disgusted with himself, and torn between killing people and not killing people. He tries to bring these other killers to justice because he's pretty much the only one that knows exactly how they work, but he still has the problem of killing them instead of arresting them. I don't really agree with that part, but he is conflicted so there's at least a minimal amount of redeeming value, and it kind of makes him the good guy and bad guy at the same time, which is really out there. I actually haven't seen too many episodes, so he may very well be turning his victims in to the FBI instead of killing them by now, but I don't know.

As for "Criminal Minds," it's a bit of a watered-down view of what goes on between sociopaths and the justice system. It follows a group of people that investigate homicide, and they have to try to get into the killer's head, figure out how he or she works, and then try to stop them before they move onto their next victim.

Quote:
I don't know what you're trying to say with the "cool" bit (you mentioned it before in my preview)... I really hope you're not saying that I think animal abuse is funny or that I agree/consent with the horrible things my characters do. o_o Seriously, I'm not like that.
I wasn't saying you were, but I've seen some fairly crazy things before that were intended to be entertainment. Heard of "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac"? It's a comic book about a serial killer that has a body count I lost track of by the fifth page. He has absolutely no repurcussions (he kills the cops if they come to his house), and it's literally intended to be funny. Although I doubt you would, please don't do something like that XD
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