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  #1    
Old June 22nd, 2008, 08:00 PM
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Hello there! I'm writing a journey fic, something that is VERY new for me, so all comments on how to tackle this type of story will be really helpful indeed. :3

Note: Disturbing imagery ahead.

Now without further comment...

Maggots of Society

Excerpt from Chapter 2



Seeing her chance, Claire tossed the Pokeball towards the unconscious Pidgey. After what seemed like an eternity, the Pokeball stopped moving.

“Good job, Bulbasaur! We caught our very first Pokemon!” Claire whooped in joy, her faithful Bulbasaur clearly sharing her delight; Bulbasaur waved his vines in the air, and did a little jiggle.

However, Claire cut the celebrations short when she remembered the important task she had in store for him.

“I now want you to do something a little bit different. I hope you don’t mind.”

Bulbasaur shook his head, before letting out a very eager, “Bulba!”

This made Claire smile.

“See that Rattata over there?”

Bulbasaur nodded enthusiastically, before turning to watch the Rattata with playful determination. Claire almost felt something akin to pity when she saw that her Pokemon had no idea what she really had in mind, but knew that this needed to be done. When she finally said it, there was no hesitation in her voice.

“I want you to kill it.”

Bulbasaur, not entirely understanding these dire words, just stared at her quizzically with his two red eyes.

“No? Well then, I guess I can give you a little example,” Claire said with utmost kindness, patting Bulbasaur’s scaly head fondly.

And in a flash of brilliant red light, Pidgey appeared.

Attaching the Pokeball back to her belt, Claire was very pleased to see Pidgey’s slumped, worn-out form; it was still exhausted after its battle with Bulbasaur.

“Now watch closely,” Claire said pointedly, as though she were an overly-patient teacher lecturing her dawdling student.

The Pidgey was slow to react in time. In one swift movement, Claire wrapped her pale hands around Pidgey’s neck; she began to squeeze, ignoring the bird’s alarmed squawks. Pidgey tried to peck her in retaliation, but this only increased the unbearable pressure.

“It’s such a nice day, Bulbasaur,” Claire remarked offhandedly, staring intently at the blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds, as the Pidgey screeched and flapped its wings frantically in a valiant attempt to free itself. “Really beautiful day.”

Bulbasaur, unable to comprehend the immensity of this barbaric act, could only stay still in muted terror.

After several agonizing minutes, Claire felt a deliciously sickening crack under her fingers. She grinned in triumph, feeling the now unmoving bird no longer struggling against its cruel fate.

“All done!” Claire declared cheerfully, once she was absolutely sure the last vestiges of life had left the pitiable Pokemon.

She tossed the body carelessly, absentmindedly wiping her hands on her brown t-shirt. Softly kicking the small, broken carcass towards her Pokemon, Claire gave an encouraging nod. Bulbasaur could only contemplate in barely restrained horror the Pidgey’s glassy eyes, the way its broken neck made a disgustingly odd angle, and its slightly open beak permanently frozen in a panicked chirp it would never be able to utter.

Humming distractedly, Claire scanned the area for the Rattata she had spotted just a few minutes earlier. The curious Rattata had come out of the bushes to investigate, but once it saw the cadaver, let out a panicked squeak, scampering off as fast as its little legs would take it. Unconcerned, Claire turned towards Bulbasaur with a radiant smile, her green eyes glittering with unfathomable happiness, and her cheeks flushed in satisfaction; she pointed in the direction the rat Pokemon had escaped to, positively glowing.

Bulbasaur, petrified with fear, perfectly understood the full meaning of her next words.

“Now’s your turn.”

*******

All advice is greatly appreciated! :D
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  #2    
Old June 23rd, 2008, 02:44 PM
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At the risk of giving you unhelpful advice, I have to say one thing:

Jesus Christ. I'd read this.

But then again, I'm also a sick individual myself who enjoys watching people throw twisted situations into innocent fandoms.

That said, I must say that already, it looks like you're off to creating a journey fic that's separate from the usual "Yay! Let's catch Pokemon and earn Gym Badges!" deal. However, I'm a little curious as to why this sort of scene happened. Now, it's an excerpt from chapter two, so I don't know the context of the scene, let alone the kind of establishment you would set about doing in chapter one. So, I literally don't know what prompted this or who Claire might be. (Personally, I'm hoping for hero with issues because, frankly, slotting this as a villain's personality would be just walking back towards the cliche shed, if you know what I mean. But, it's your story, so I really can't say much.)

However, remember that needless death, while cool and all, might raise a few eyebrows if it happens out of the blue with no actual explanation (be it "because Claire has serious issues" or "because Pokemon are seen a different way in this world" or whatever else you can come up with). So, yeah, you'll want to be a little careful in that regard (if you want to attract readers who aren't me).

Otherwise, I'm looking forward to seeing this in the main forum and really can't provide much in the way of other helpful comments because I really don't know what you're planning. (Although so far, it looks like you're avoiding the usual OT cliches, which is good.) Good luck with this.
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  #3    
Old June 24th, 2008, 08:35 AM
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Seconding that sentiment. I'm a fan of OT fics and a fan of the Higurashi anime series, so something that brings the psycho-slasher-awesomeness of the latter into the former is certainly guaranteed my attention. Can't make very many judgments on just one excerpt, but I do love Claire's sociopath disposition here and the way you narrated it. Like Jax said, though, there had better be some kind of explanation for how she got this disturbed somewhere along the line to keep it from becoming violence for the sake of violence.

But yeah, you've definitely got a second guaranteed reader here. ;D
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Old June 24th, 2008, 12:59 PM
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If the descriptions and plot stay good I'll read it, as weirdly enticing as this fic is.
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  #5    
Old June 24th, 2008, 01:09 PM
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Wow.

A really sharp turn from all the normal OT fics, which is a good thing. Only thing I'm concerned with is the motive of Claire, like Jax said. And this being from chapter two, maybe the motive was said previously, since I don't know what's in chapter one.

But even still, I do think this is a story I'll be actually reading. And I like the way that you described Pidgey's suffocation--nicely done, as well are the other descriptions. I look foward to seeing this on the main forum.

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  #6    
Old June 26th, 2008, 04:45 PM
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More of the same from me, really. I'll read anything once, to give it the benefit of the doubt, and from your last one-shot that I saw I know you can definitely pull a story like this off.

Like the others, I question the motive. I'm more concerned, however, by the fact that Claire owns a Pokemon, yet is rampantly sociopathic. How did she get her hands on a Bulbasaur, which canonically is only given out by Professors? I mean, did the professor just not notice he was handing a cute, little innocent monster to a rampaging psycho who likes to choke cute little animals?

I mean, if the Pokemon equivalent of PETA knew about this girl I doubt the story would end outside of rehab. o.0

Still, I have no doubts that you'll be easily able to explain that away, so good luck. And another guranteed reader/possible reviewer if I can ever get my motivation back.
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Old June 26th, 2008, 06:57 PM
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To me, Claire doesn't seem like a rampaging psycho so much as the subtle, understated psycho. Kind of like Nena Trinity from Gundam 00. Outwardly, most of the time she appears to be this calm and somewhat hyper little girl, but when she gets angry or when she simply feels like it, she'll turn into some psychotic monster who takes pleasure in killing others, only to turn right back into a normal person again. I mean, if she was obviously psychotic, don't you think Bulbasaur would have been a little more nervous to begin with, rather than only getting nervous after Claire begins to strangle the Pidgey?

Anyways, I absolutely love what you have so far. Call me a twisted little freak if you want, but I love how your described Claire strangling Pidgey. I'll be keeping an eye out for this fic, and hope it ends up as good as the preview.
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  #8    
Old June 26th, 2008, 08:05 PM
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Yay comments! :D

Jax Malcom: Yes, I'm trying to write something different from the same old journey fics that I've read all the time. There will be no prophecies or destinies or whatnot in my fic. And just to alleviate everyone's fears Claire does have a reason for killing that Pidgey as stated in the preview. :3 And I have and bad news about Claire herself. First the bad news: yes, she is the villain. Sorry about that. =( The good news is the hero is also a very screwed up individual. XD Thanks for all your comments, they were VERY helpful indeed!

Alter Ego: I want to see the Higurashi anime soooo badly. It seems like that anime was made for me. XDDD But yes, Claire's backstory will be explained thoroughly as well as her motivations for killing that Pidgey (and doing other vicious things). I'm glad you'll be reading! =D *hugs*

Matt11: I'll try to maintain a high quality quality throughout my fic. x3

SilverSmeargleSplatter: Heh, everyone's so worried about why she did this; don't worry, it will be explained. I'm glad you liked my description. *bows*

Thesis: Wow, thank you for reading my one-shot! And actually, Claire isn't overtly killing Pokemon right and left and doing horrible deeds all around. Normally, she's a pretty polite and kind person, and I know professors don't do a background nor mental check on trainers (as far as I know). If there's something uncanonical in my explanation please point out as quickly as possible so I can fix it! Your concerns really made me think, though, so thanks! And I loved your OT guide! <3

Shrike Flamestar: I've never seen Gundam 00 but your description of Claire is pretty spot-on, though she is mostly calm and kind rather than hyperactive. Haha, I enjoyed describing how Pidgey got strangled so I'm freakier. XD Thank you so much! *gives cookies*
P.S: I've seen you on SPPF btw.
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  #9    
Old June 27th, 2008, 03:53 PM
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Very nice, chilling description. Since people have already pointed out motive, the only other thing I was wondering about is character description; how old is Claire, is there any trace of evil in her physical being, etc. I was just trying to picture her, and couldn't decide whether she was very young, or just acting that way to be creepier. In the end though, well done, I'm definitely going to check this out once you start posting it.
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  #10    
Old June 27th, 2008, 04:00 PM
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I am so going to read this. I would say something about the motive, the purpose, and all that, but I have a feeling you know exactly what you're doing. It is from Chapter 2, after all. There's room for there to have been a Prologue and a first chapter of explanation beforehand, and even if that doesn't provide us with answers, it's only the second chapter out of who knows how many. So, I am interested and waiting. This seems like it's going to be a lot more twisted than most Journey fics, which is a good break from the usual happy-go-lucky ones that pop up around here. Love your description of it; it seems like you will be able to pull off this sort of thing very well.
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Old June 29th, 2008, 06:23 PM
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Graconos: Claire is ten as she is just starting her Pokemon journey. :3 Trace of evil? You mean if she looks evil? Because Claire doesn't consider herself "evil" per se. Thanks for commenting! *huggles* :3

iLike2EatPiez: There will be around 15-25 chapters (I still haven't decided on the exact amount)., and yes, there is a specific motive to why she's killing that Pidgey. =P I like to write disturbing/horror stuff, and I had the random idea to write a journey fic with my own twist to it. That and I was also a bit bored by the all cheery journey fics lying around. XDDD I hope I pull this off as well! :3 Thankssssssss! :D
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Old July 1st, 2008, 09:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Burnt Flower View Post
Maggots of Society


the Pidgey screeched and flapped its wings frantically in a valiant attempt to free itself. “Really beautiful day.”

“Now’s your turn.”

:D

Well... its diffrent. I have a question though.


When is the last time you visted a psychiatrist, or taken your meds?
j/k ha ha well i would like to see what else happens.
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 12:37 PM
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I... don't usually read a lot of fics here at PC, but this preview is like that scary (But an "okay" movie) where you can't turn away. I'm not usually into horror or this kind of... writing. Yet, so eagerly tempted to see more, mind wondering what's around the next corner. Is Bulbasuar going to be the next Godzilla? >8D It's perfect in the regard to reeling in the reader, I'll give you major points there for sure. I can't honestly give major suggestions. (Mainly all of them have been provided) However, I would like to learn much more history and backround of Claire, and other general history too. (Childhood, etc - I'm such a past before present reader >_> *shot*) Repulsive, yet entertaining? o_o The perspective from Claire is also... just creepy, but interesting. Your descriptions are bone chilling, and just dead on. (lame pun, I know) Extraordinary so far, Burnt Flower, I can't wait for more.

(One of first posts in fic in my entire PC life, wow, Astinus don't eat me DX)
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 11:48 PM
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Wow.

This is, easily, one of the best things I've ever read on this site or on Serebii, just because it's so bat(poo?) insane and twisted.........I love it! I know that a lot of people are probably going to bite your head off about a ten year-old doing that stuff, but hey, stuff like that happens in life, unfortunately. Honestly, you could be related to Stephen King, and that's one of the highest compliments I could give to you.

I'm going to re-read this again in the morning when my head isn't numb enough to fail at advice-giving, but from the 4AM read through right now, this looks REALLY great. Nice job.
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 04:48 PM
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kcander90: Haha, don't worry, I'm pretty sane....at least that's what the voices in my head try to make me believe.

BeachBoy: I wanted to post a scene where future readers might be hooked after reading, I'll see if it worked once I post this. Claire's childhood will be explained thoroughly -- it'll be pretty fun to write about, anyway! And yeah, I know many people aren't into this and I can understand that. :3 I'm glad that my preview interested you enough to post in the fanfic section!

Barkovitch: Wow, thank you very much for your compliments! O.O Hopefully not too many people will flame me about that since I'll post a warning in the beginning, but who knows... Related to Stephen King...I think I love you. <3 XD Thank you very much, btw!
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Old July 4th, 2008, 11:37 AM
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That was quite... different from what I normally read, but I enjoyed it XD; I'll keep looking back to read more. I can't believe I want to keep reading more... XD; I just uhh... hope that this never gets into the hands of a small 8 year old Pokemon lover. ^^;
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Old July 4th, 2008, 12:40 PM
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...that poor Pidgey.... But anyway this is great! Finally a realistic Journey fic! Well... not really realistic.... but at least the main character has some flaws.... really major flaws.... Well anyway, you've got me hooked, I'll definately read!
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  #18    
Old July 4th, 2008, 03:23 PM
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Relyt: Hopefully, no small kid will read my work, but I will put a warning at the beginning of the story just in case. If they ignore it, well, I don't know what else to do...; And I'm happy you enjoyed it! :D

Yuoaman: Haha, Claire isn't the only main character with serious flaws...just wait and see. XD And yeah, I kind of feel bad for the Pidgey...but I feel even worse for the Rattata. XP Thank you! :3

Guys, with luck, I'll be posting my fic very soon. *crosses fingers*
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Old July 8th, 2008, 09:03 AM
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Hey. Burnt Flower. Haven't you posted you fic already. I want to make up for the horrible review I gave you on Serebii XD.
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  #20    
Old July 8th, 2008, 09:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poke poke View Post
Hey. Burnt Flower. Haven't you posted you fic already. I want to make up for the horrible review I gave you on Serebii XD.
Poke poke, it's posted. The link's in my sig...click on the dead Pidgey! =P
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Old July 8th, 2008, 09:40 AM
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Meh. I really just can't force myself to like this from reading this segment alone. The prose is fine, the grammar is fine, but randomly killing off pokemon isn't to my taste. I also didn't realize that "sick and twisted" was synonymous with "fresh and exciting".

I will try to read at least some of it when you post it to see if I change my mind, but it's going to be extremely hard to create a motive for this girl short of that she was on heroine and is completely mentally shattered. My mom works with sociopaths...they don't just "occur".

Now: if you've got the ability to explain why this girl acts the way she does, and she's not just an unexplained entity thrown in for the horror element, it might be worth reading on that basis solely.
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