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Old July 6th, 2008 (03:24 PM). Edited July 7th, 2008 by Amoeba.
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Amoeba Amoeba is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Age: 26
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Nature: Careful
Posts: 356
I would really like to hear what you think so far - a review would be much appreciated.

Completed chapters:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

Note: While I don't think there is anything really that bad in this story so far, some younger more squeamish readers might be a little put off - there's a brief bit of death and blood, but nothing too bad really.

I'm not sure if this requires a summary. I guess I should just be clear about some aspects of the fanfic. This isn't based on the anime. In fact it pretty much ignores that fact the anime exists. Its based on the games and the games alone. But if there's anything you find confusing in this chapter just ask and I'll try to clarify (unless I have to give out spoilers, then I'll ask you to wait for the next chaper really just if there's something about this chapter I haven't been clear about)

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Wishes

Chapter 1

I Wish My Life Was More Interesting

A shape emerged uppon the page as she controlled the pale brown pancil with limmited skill. A small bear began to emerge on the sheet of paper, forehead decorated by a crescent. If only it was hers. A creature she could hold and feel its body heat, one that she could command to fight her battles for her, and still love her. As her cheek rested into the palm of her hand, she sighed into a slouching position and smiled lazily. Her glassy black eyes seemed to stare straight through the page as she continued to scribble.

"Mari..." A soft womanly voice gently brought her back to reality.

"Yes mom?" Mari didn't bother turning to face her mother who stood poking her head around the bedroom door.

"Your friend Penny called, she's going fishing with her dad. Do you want to go, too?"

Mari's nose curled at the thought. "Another time" She assured, continuing to scrath away at the page. So comfy and clean - why would she want to go fishing?

A stare of disapproval followed. Mari's mother stood for a while trying to think of some kind of excuse to get her daughter out of the house. Looking around her bedroom it was apparent from the horse and bear posters, dried leaves and landscape paintings that Mari was passionate about nature. Yet she had always been an urban dweller, an indoor girl, too lost in her own carefree bubble to experience first hand the wilderness she so admired.

It was the start of the summer. Schools were all on their breaks and pokemon fans from all around town gathered at the square to trade and battle their digitalized critters. This was one event Mari wouldn't miss. She jolted at the musical jangle coming from her mobile phone. A reminder from another friend prompted her to start getting ready.

Not long after she had refused to fish, she gathered up her game boy colour, link cable and a couple of cartrages and plopped them into her dainty little light blue backpack. It contrasted blaringly with her light pink pinifor, but she seemed hardly concious at all of it. She changed from her scruffy nylon joggers into loose, clean dark gray leggings before slipping out the door unnoticed.

Making a little more noise with the door, she popped back in the house to check herself in the hallway mirror, running her fingers through the spiking ends of her short brown hair that reached no longer than the bottom of her neck. Once she was satisfied, she smiled briefly at herself before darting out the door of the first floor appartment a second time.

Sometimes, sitting alone on the bus, she would stare into the scenery and pretend that she was a real pokemon trainer. This bus ride was, in her imagination, just one more aspect of her journey. In her backpack were six imaginary pokeballs, each containing her favourite pokemon at great levels of strength. Smiling at the fantasy she would slip into a dream world where the bus she was in, and the people she shared it with would cease to exist.

Mari's body shook violently. She growled quietly at the pot-hole in the road that had caused the bus to bump. Her heart pounded away in her chest, the nervous feeling of shock only slowly dispersing from her torso. So deep had she been in her imagination she had momentarily lost all connection with her surroundings. She slipped back into her pokemon realm uneasily, shifting her position for comfort.

She was battling. An annonymous trainer's male Nidoran comically bounced away after recieving a hefty mega punch from her Ursaring. The lawn was beautiful, a rich green in the intense sunlight. Prime battling weather. In her head she could feel a cool breeze tickle her bare arms.

Forbane Town Square bus stop.

Scrapping her fantasy in an instant she began to rise from her seat and attend to reality - this was her stop. Her knees unexpectedly locked. They shook suddenly with a crippling case of pins and needles. A gasp exited her petite mouth as all of her major joints locked up. Terror caught her breath, her gasps turned into panting. Grabbing a hold of the chair in front proved useless... her fingers became incredibly weak and shook as violently as her limbs. She didn't need any further inication that something was seriously wrong. Panic set in. The skin around her lips tingled with fear.

There was no time to think, as if caught in an electrical socket her body became rigid. She could not blink, she could not speak, she could not breathe. Wide-eyed, she stared pleadingly toward the young man in front with the buzz-cut, who turned to glance at her and frown in confusion. As the shaking in her body consumed her very mind, her vision clouded over into blindness, and her very recognition of her own existence dissipated from this world.

What happened next was lost to Mari.

All she could see was a roof of green leaves illuminated by the sun above her head. Birds twittered from all directions, the tree branches swayed and hissed amongst each other. It was some time before her surroundings began to register in her mind. Nothing of recent events could be retrieved from her memory. Her imagination began to wander... was she dreaming? Did she go on that fishing trip afterall and bump her head?

Slowly Mari rolled on to her side, careful of the rocks she was lying on, and propped herself up in to a sitting position on the carpet of moss and grass on the rocks beneath her. Chunks of vegetation clung to her hair and clothes. As she observed her surroundings, her eyebrows creased at the unfamiliarity. Before her stood a thin woodland of trees and thicket. Between the trees lay fields of thorn bushes, arranged like coiling barbed wire, and nettles standing attentively, ready to sting at the slightest brush.

A shiver shot up Mari's spine. She froze momentarily, blood rushing to her extremities, pressure changing in her head; the onset of panic. Her breaths became deeper and sharper as she scurried to her feet to get a better view of her surroundings. Scrapping all rational thought, she carefully stepped down from the rocks and began to hastily wade through the foliage.

"Ow!" Mari yelped before bending reaching down to touch her leg. No blood. Close to sobbing she ploughed on through the vegetation until she reached a clearing.

As she exited the trees she whined and panted. Her noises became hushed as she realised the area had been cleared by a vehicle, brown scars amongst the dead grass meandered towards a driveway between the trees. She could go either two ways... towards the driveway or towards the open field to the left.

Hugging herself Mari trudged up the driveway, hunched defensively. A white brick building peeping round the corner grabbed her attention, but there was no reason to be certain the owner of the building was friendly.

What could she do? She was lost, and well aware her only hope of finding a way back home was to seek out something familiar. After pausing nervously, she slowly began to approach the building. As she got closer, she sighed a breath of relief, purely at the sight of something close to civilisation. Behind the gate to the building was the beginnings of an open yard, muddied by hooves and tire tracks. From the glimpse she caught from an open garage, Mari assumed the buildings surrounding the yard were full of farm machinery. Digitalized voices chattered from a radio somewhere in the vicinity. Mari read the sign on the metal gate aloud.

"Tresspassers will be prosecuted" Mari paused after reading the sign. She reached for the snib on the gate before retracting her hand. Mari was no law breaker, but as she pondered she began to realise she had no choice. She assured herself that whoever worked there would be understanding enough of her situation.

"H-hello...?" Mari called feebly before touching the gate. After waiting for a response, Mari lifted the snib on the gate and pushed it open slightly to give her some room to peer in the yard.

What she saw did not register at first. After briefly skimming over the clutter of metal, her eyes were drawn back to a heap on the ground. Someone, what looked like a man, lay lifeless on the ground. A sickening sinking sensation filled Mari's chest as the body did not respond to the black feathered creature picking red chunks from his face. The bird ravaged the man's flesh with its large yellow beak before lifting and cocking its head up to keep an eye out for danger.

It was clear what was happening, but unclear exactly what the creature was. Salt and saliva accumulated in Mari's mouth, causing her to begin to heave. The memory of the wet blood and tissue on the man's face weakened her knees, and the strangeness of the creature overwhelmed her imagination. An out-of-shape crow beast with a broomstick tail feasting on the flesh of a dead man was too much for her sheltered mind to handle. Her thoughts raced and concentrated on the gore she had witnessed. Sweat rushed from their pores. Dizziness consumed her. She brought up her lunch on the side of the building.

After spitting the taste out of her mouth, Mari staggered away from the yard, intent on never returning. A solid mass presented itself as a barrier, Mari did not see it until she had barged into it.

"Watch it, little lady." A scratchy voice bellowed from the figure.

Mari gasped and darted backwards. She stared at the figure while slowly taking steps behind her. His eyes caught her off guard, causing her to freeze. He glared, grinning menacingly, dark irises indistinguishable from the pupils mounted on slanted fox-like eyes. His eyelids dropped slightly in an uncaring manner. His jet black hair was shaven at the sides of his head, and what did remain at the top and back of his head sprawled upwards and over his forehead. Some kind of tatoo was inscribed on the shaven patches but Mari didn't notice what they depicted.

Clad in metal armour, wrist braces, knee protection and buckles to keep his torso protection together, he was beyond unusual. His branded shoulder protection gave him an ever so slightly broader shoulder span than usual, amplifying the appearance of his muscular build. Beneath all of this his body was hidden by a cotton, baggy suit. His pants and top were bound by a simple lenth of gray blue cloth, tied at his side with excess trailing down slightly from the knot. His baggy black pants were conveniently tucked in to his durable leather boots.

To Mari, he appeared indestructable.

Mari didn't even have time to blink before he dashed to meet her face to face. Before she could move the man grabbed the sides of her face with one hand, his muscular, painful grip was enough insentive to avoid resisting. The core of her body shook, unthinkable thoughts racing through her head. Terror of what was to come was evident from her wide eyes that begged for mercy. A squeak squeezed its way out of her throat, but her fear would not allow any more than that. She locked her eyes shut and became rigid as his face neared her... and took in several loud sniffs through his nose.

Without moving back, he growled softly, "You don't smell like one of them". It wasn't until he had spoken he straightened back up and took his hand off her face.

"Tell me - which collony are you from?" He reverted to a serious expression as he said this, as if he were talking to a collegue. His arms crossed his chest as he waited for an answer.

Mari could only stare back in confusion. Words refused to exit her mouth, instead she could only shake her head, stopping half way as if she had changed her mind. The drumming of her heart powered her up to flee, as this was the only thing she wanted to do right now.

The armoured man's eyes squinted at her, expectant of an answer. Something in his mind clicked, and his expresion reverted to a sinister grin.

"I get it now. You defected to the human side. That's why you look like one of them."

Mari frowned and shook her head, but she couldn't let any words escape in fear of saying the wrong thing. As far as her knowledge could tell her, this man was human. Yet he was acting as if he weren't. He put his hands to his sides and smiled calmly, staring staight down at her. For moments neither of them moved. Mari begged and begged in her mind for him to leave her alone. The pathetic look in her eyes betrayed her thoughts to him all too well.

As instinct took over her whole world slowed down. Her main objective was escape. She began to fling her body to one side, in preparation to dash into the thicket. Her ankles turned and pushed down on to the ground, pushing her off to the left. This was about as much as she could manage before she felt her chest being grabbed tightly. In less than three quarters of a second he interperated her movements and acted uppon it effectively.

He held her off the ground as she went into full blown panic, screeching and kicking her heels off his protected shins, thumping her small fists off his armour, generally swinging her extremities around in vain. Her efforts went ignored as the man hauled her over his shoulder and began to sprint at superhuman speed into the farmer's field.
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  #2    
Old July 7th, 2008 (12:56 PM).
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Amoeba Amoeba is offline
 
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Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
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Ok, this is Chapter 2. I'd love to hear what you think about the story. I don't know if anyone likes it or not, or if it's any good.

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Wishes

Chapter 2

I Wish I Could Just Go Home

The stone steps seemed to trail on forever. The young warrior trudged unwillingly, squinting his eyes in the glow of the torches lining the passageway. His steps echoed off the stone walls. A quick glance out of the window; the coast and the sea, illuminated by the silvery moon. Growls slipped out from under his breath as he moved on, leaving behind his workmates who continued to drink and holler further down the hill.

The passageway opened up into a wide open room, lit up by torch flames. The room flickered as the torches danced in the breeze. Three new passageways led off from this, but the man didn't enter any of them. Instead he rested his back uppon the damp walls and let out a deep breath. Nobody had told him why he was to come here, but he was sure it would have something to do with his assignment earlier that day. Someone will have found the body, probably, and he will get the blame, probably. Of course, he had forgotten to dispose of it.

Footsteps grew louder as they neared the room. Pretending to ignore them, the man stared out the open window at the moon reflecting off the ocean.

"I'm glad you showed up." The gruff, old voice bounced off the walls before a large old man edged his way into the room. Unlike the younger armoured man, the larger figure was dressed in beige, loose clothing. One side of his plain jacket overlapped the other, as if it he was feeling the cold.

"I'm sure you know why I asked you to come here..." His gray wiry beard moved, the only indicator his mouth existed under the mass of hair.

"Not really" the younger warrior breathed calmly.

"Our prisoner has been investgated - the one you brought to us earlier today." The old man paused for a moment to allow for a response, but when he recieved none he continued. "You realise we are in the middle of a population crisis just now. The elementless are killing us off. We must preserve every individual and train them to their fullest if we are to win this war. I have been informed that a descision was made to assimilate her into the collony. She is now my responsibility.... but..."

The young armoured man raised one eyebrow.

"Young Donik..." The old master looked his student straight in the eye. "I want you to train her."

Donik hissed through his teeth, if only just to prevent himself from swearing at his superior. His fury at such a rediculous request was evident in his arched eyebrows and unusually startled eyes, but he remained silent until he could speak calmly.

"She'd rather be a human... she is worthless to us." Donik growled as softly as possible in a vain attempt to hide his anger.

"We are all human, Donik. But she is an Elemite, just like you and I." Before giving Donik the chance to respond, the old man continued. "She won't be exempt from our laws. Including the law that every Elemite must train in the arts of pokemon techniques. She knows nothing of our kind and must learn."

"Then why me?!" Donik lost his cool. "Why must I train her?! There's no shortage of certified instructors. Am I being demoted?"

The bearded man's chuckles sounded like grunts as they descended into a cough. "Young Donik you are not being demoted. See this as a life experience... for both of you. She is like a small child... she knows nothing of the ways of the Elemites. She is not ready for an instructor... she needs a role model. You can teach her these things - I know you are passionate about this war, and I'm sure if anyone can get her to support our plight, it'll be you."

"So? What's in it for me?"

The old man calmly began to stroll down the far left corridor and descended the stairs a few steps in. Donik slowly followed into the prison below, expecting a response to his query but recieving none.

The door clicked. Mari ceased to sob, her wet face frozen attentaviely at the door. As each lock was undone she flailed and scurried into a corner, ignoring the wet slime that had accumulated there due to lack of maintenence. Whines of terror snuck out from her heaving chest, no matter how hard she tried to stay quiet.

Light entered the room, causing her to raise her harm over her face. Two silhouettes stood in the doorway as it pushed open. Mari watched helplessly as the taller bearded man advanced towards her, stopping only a short distance from the corner she had pressed herself up against.

"Rise to your feet." He boomed with authority.

Shaking, Mari slowly slid up the wall from a sitting position until she was standing, not daring to leave the relative safety of her corner. She did her best to subdue her sobs and sniffles, but it was a useless attempt.

A nod in the direction of the younger armoured figure averted Mari's attention. "Go with him" he ordered.

Mari stared at the older man with uncertainty, holding both her hands close to cher chest for comfort. Clueless of her fate her imagination ran wild - fears that they were going to kill her froze her legs. As if he could read her mind, the old man assured her that she wouldn't be harmed.

"Am I going home?" Mari dared to ask, as quietly and submissively as possible.

The two men glanced at one another, before the senior responded. "Young girl... Donik will take you to your new home."

After a moment of pertified disbelief, Mari's face silently crumpled as her head wilted. Staring at the floor, she began to think of home. Suddenly, for the first time, Mari missed her mom. She had always taken her presence for granted, never spent time with her, never hugged her since she was a little girl. Their love was there, but it rarely showed. As lacking in faith as whe was, she began to pray. As her feet shuffled towards the open door of her cell, Mari begged in her head to whatever higher force might be listening, for someone to return her home. Her fatigue and hunger had distorted her perception of her surroundings, the desperate belief that if she tried hard enough she would wake up from this nightmare preoccupied her all the way to the bottom of the rocky outcrop.

As they descended the steps to the foot of the rocks, Mari stared at the stone buildings scattered about the nearby clearing. Crop patches were cleared off by nothing but wooden barriers and plants. Clothes hung by strings between buildings. A figure hammered away at the wooden slabs on a roof, dumping a broken fragment on the ground below. Not much could be seen for the foliage that hadn't yet been cleared. To Mari it looked medieval, uncomfortable and cold.

"Will you hurry up?!" Donik snapped from up ahead.

Mari scurried along towards him and did not dare fall behind again. After some meandering between rocks and bushes, a second clearing opened its way up. The ground was bare of grass or plants, too overused by feet and wheels. More stone buildings stood surrounding a wide open space, a market stall and blacksmith sat at the centre. In the dead of night they appeared deserted. They sheltered themselves with economy in mind with scraps of currogated iron and wood. Flicker of flames could be seen reflecting off a rock face. Excited voices could be faintly heard singing and roaring into the quiet of the night.

Donik swiftly vaulted the stone wall he had built to his house and strolled to the door, leaving Mari to tug away at the wall, lifting her leg over to get a foot hold - only to slip back onto the ground. The air exited her lungs sharply as her rear hit the ground.

"Try again" A voice faintly commanded from the other side of the wall. But that was not Mari's intent at all.

What was the point? She was being held captive goodness knows where. Hopes of returning home were slipping away from her. Overcome with helplessness and isolation, she shrunk into a ball on the ground and tucked her head in to her knees, finding comfort only within herself.

Donik stood over the heap on the ground and looked down, bearing an absent expression. Without saying a word he bent down and lifted Mari up. She didn't uncurl herself from her ball, but only pulsated from sobs. Her new teacher slowly cradled her into his house. Before he placed her on his spare futon, he glanced at her hunched over face.

Her sobbing had stopped, and Mari had given in to exhaustion.

He made sure not to waken her as he set her down and began to light the fire.
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Old July 7th, 2008 (01:36 PM).
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IceDragon2439 IceDragon2439 is offline
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This story is different and I think it will turn out to be a fantastic story. I can't wait to read to what is coming up for Mari...Good job!
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Old July 11th, 2008 (03:59 AM).
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Amoeba Amoeba is offline
 
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Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Age: 26
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IceDragon2439: Aww, thanks :D I'm glad you like it. Hoping to stick to this one, its fun to write.

Here's chapter 3!

-----------------------------------

Wishes

Chapter 3

Time for Acceptance, Wishes Don't 'Come True

Above her hung a cream lamp shade. Bed sheets radiated the faint scent of washing powder.. Mari shot up. Her posters... her desk... everything was here. Her heart raced with excitement. Her feet pattered against her wooden varnished floor as she looked out her window. The street she had grown up with - it was here! An extatic grin spread across her face before she spun around and left her bedroom.

"Mom!" Mari called. Never before had she felt such a desperate urge to see her mom.

After trotting through to the kitchen and not being able to find her mom, Mari tried the living room. Everything looked unusually tidy. The sort of tidy that one leaves their house before they set off out the door. Mom's bedroom was also empty and equally as tidy.

"She'll be home soon I bet!" Mari thought out loud. "I bet she's out looking for me!"

With that, she lifted the phone and began to dial her mom's number...


Her eyes blinked open, a sharp inward breath took in the bitter scent of charcoal. Surrounding her were walls of stone. Dust danced and swirled in the beams of sunlight that broke through a gap in the wooden roof. Birds squabbled and squaked outside.

With that Mari realised that she stood no better a chance of seeing her mom than she did the night before, and it hurt. Even though she was laying down, she seemed to further collapse, covering her face and curling up on the lumpy bag of feathers she had been usng as a matress the whole night. Her body jerked with wet sniffles as she allowed herself to drown in her despair and self pitty.

A deep thud stirred her from her thoughts. Loud footsteps clopped across the wooden floor behind her. Mari closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to avoid being noticed, to be able to wallow in her sorrows alone.

"Go light the fire." The familiar male voice commanded. Almost immediately afterwards the smell of fresh fish wafted around the small single room house. A chopping sound followed.

"I..."

"What?!" Donik snapped, causing Mari to jump.

She didn't bother finishing her sentence. Her limbs tingled with pure terror at what he might do to her if she refused to do as she was told. The fear was so unfamiliar to her that she grew light headded, and began to act uppon her instincts. To stay in his good books, she had to light the fire.

Her expression was unusually absent, eyes red and face wet with tears, as she slowly made her way across to the stone heap that held the piles of used ash and charcoal. There lay a few scraps of wood that hadn't burned yet. She picked them up by the tips of her fingers - afraid of getting black smudges on herself - and dumped them into the pile.

"What the hell are you doing?!" A bemused Donik stared for a few seconds at Mari. She stared back, wide eyed and hunched with fright. "Go get wood from the stack outside. There's a box of kindling material right over there. Look, there's flint right at your feet!" With the given information Mari scrambled hastily to her feet and began to collect the necessary materials. Donik shook his head and chuckled to himself, amused at her cluelessness, as he continued to gut their breakfast.

It took longer than usual that morning for Donik to get his breakfast. It didn't help that he had fished out exra only for Mari to refuse to eat it. He began to realise that having a spoiled brat around was going to affect his life a lot more than he expected, right down to the simple things. Before beginning her training, he decided to have a word with her.

"Girl... sit down." Donik looked over to Mari who had been staring out the window for quite some time while he had been eating. She did exactly as she was told, sitting legs crossed on the hard floor. It was clear from her averted gaze that she was too tense to show any emotion in front of him.

"Did anyone tell you why you are here?" He bent forward as if he were talking to a small child.

Mari shook her head, still staring off to the side.

With that, Donik shifted into a more comfortable position. "Mari, is it?" After a nod of comformation that he was using the correct name he reached out and snapped his fingers towards her "Over here - look at me." Once he had her attention he continued. "You have learned now you are an elemite. How you got to think you are a human is beyond me, but that's not important. We are at war with the neighbouring humans. Those weak, vile, disgusting creatures need their pokemon to fight for them, and they have weakened you too I see."

"But..."

"Shut up, I'm talking!" Donik growled before continuing. "You will train to become stronger and fight with us. You will learn how to use your techniques passed down to you by your ancestors." Donik neared her, enthusiasm growing in his voice. "That is what sets us apart from the humans. They have forgotten how to use their own pokemon moves, hey have forgotten their pokemon ancestry, and they attack us out of jealousy!"

Shaking her head, Mari had to speak up. "But pokemon aren't real!"

Donik paused, blinking out of disbelief. "What...?"

Thinking he was delusional, she continued to inform him, "Pokemon... its just a video game! You know...? "Gotta catch 'em all"? Its not real."

Donik's expression softened, almost becoming aplologetic. "They've brainwashed you. The dirty bastards."

Mari sat like a statue, wearing a puzzled frown. Her thoughts crashed into one another as they raced about in her mind, as old understandings of her world had to be rewritten. Aside from the doubt that reminded her that Donik could be lying to her, she wanted to believe he was telling the truth - after all, she had dreamed of pokemon being real. The black bird... a chill ran up her spine as she remembered the dead man, and the bird feeding off his corpse. What she had thought was some kind of mishapen monster, now made more sense. A crow with a broomstick tail? It could only be a murkrow.

She hadn't questioned how she got here until now, but if pokemon had been real all along, why had she never seen one until yesterday?

"Where am I?" Mari whispered to herself.

Donik rose to his feet and held out his hand. "Mari, I don't know what they've done to you. It sickens me to think they've..." He paused to find his words, "...tampered with a fellow elemite's mind like that." He gestured to help her up on to her feet. "I'll discuss this later with my peers. They might know something."

Mari took his hand and pulled herself up. Questions multiplied in her head, questions she couldn't ask - not just yet. Not while her 'captor' showed so much hostility compatred to what she was used to in her life back home. Nobody ever spoke to her like that. Nobody ever yelled at her to shut up. She had ignored the fact that nobody had harmed her since she got here, pondering sorrowfully on the worst aspects of her stay so far.

On the way out, Mari attempted once again to follow Donik over his wall. As she struggled to get her foot over the cold, mossy stone, Donik rolled his eyes.

"Just use the gate already..."

The market stall in the claering outside bustled with life. Fresh fruits, meats and vegetables were lined up on display. Live animals in cages - familiar animals to Mari like chickens - waited to be bought. People shouted to one another over distances. One stall keeper asked another for change. But Donik led Mari away from all that. Before they exited the clearing towards a forest nearby, Donik tapped Mari on the shoulder.

"See that man over there?" He pointed towards a tall, muscular character with one sunken, scarred eyebrow, making it look as if the other eyebrow was permanently raised. He patrolled the area thoroughly, keeping a sharp eye out for trouble. Mari took note of how similar his armour was to Donik's. "That man is a guard. No matter what happens - treat anyone in uniform with respect. This is important. You don't want to get arrested. Are we clear on that?"

With a nod from Mari, the two continued into the forest. The floor was clear of thorns and stinging vegetation, instead they crunched through leaf litter. Hardly any light reached the floor, the broad leaves of the deciduous trees absorbed much of the sunshine. The odd conifer stood over a litter of its own dropped needles, the acidic smell of pine tingling their senses.

Donik stopped under a very large conifer. The acidity of the dropped needles had prevented any other vegetation from growing for a few feet around the tree. Mari stood and stared upwards, mouth ajar as she tried to peer up towards the top of the tree. Failing that her eyes glanced down towards the trunk. Never before had she seen a tree so big. The branches spread over her head like a roof.

"This looks like the spot." Donik mumbled. He turned nervously towards Mari. Where would he start? Donik was a soldier - he was no teacher. The training he had recieved had started when he was just a small child. The memories of his early training days refused to surface, no matter how hard he tried to retrieve them. Consequently, the two were silent for a moment.

He began to break down the training in his head. Before an elemite could learn their moves, they needed a solid foundation to base that off - and there was no more solid a foundation than experience.

"Mari... if someone attacked you... what would you do?" Donik enquired, folding his arms casually.

Mari paused to think. She had never thought of that before. After opening her mouth to speak, then changing her mind, she responded. "I would run away."

"Really? And what if you couldn't?"

Mari's face creased with concentration. Having never been in any kind of serious danger, she had no past experiences to base her answer on. "I would... um... scream for help. And maybe try to hit them..."

Donik's head sunk into a groan. He couldn't be certain, but if she spoke the truth, he may have discovered her default ability and moves - and if he was right, they weren't good. He raised his head and looked straight at her. He had to know for sure, how she ticked, what her strenghs and weaknesses were. After considering perhaps feigning an attack at her himself, he scrapped the idea. She would surely loose trust in him after that.

A grin spread across his face as he looked up at the tree and noticed something that would do the job. It was perfect. After eyeing his surroundings, Donik raised his hand. A faint shadow surrounded his hand, growing more prominent by the second. It began to swirl, humming with energy. A small sphere began to form from the swirling shadows. In the shade of the tree, it looked invisible, like a blue flame. It began to distort the light passing through it, everything rippled in the view of the swirling mass Donik held in his hand.

"Take note, Mari. This is what we call a 'shadow ball'." With that, he swung his arm back, holding on to the dark sphere. As he threw it up into the air, a strong wind kicked up conifer needles and leaves in its wake. The shadow ball hurled upwards, tearing through the air at high velocity. Mari watched in awe and disbelief, her hair flying about in the gust it had kicked up.

The ball was lost in the branches for a moment. A boom echoed around the forest, scattering frightened birds from their perches. The branches shook, releasing a shower of pine needles and dust. Mari covered her eyes until the dust settled, jumping at a sudden thud next to her.

A small, shaking, blue form peered at her from behind wooden armour plates. Its eyes widened with fury, its plates rattling unforgivingly. The pineco growled like an angry vaccum cleaner.

Mari ignored her curiosity out of fright and nervously stepped back from the pine-cone-shaped pokemon, glancing back at Donik for reassurance. He wasn't there. She frantically turned her head in all directions, failing to spot her teacher anywhere. "H-help...?" She begged, in her panic forgeting his name.

The pineco began to spin, readying for attack.
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Old July 11th, 2008 (04:02 AM).
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Very nice story ;D I'd thought it would be very emotional. But Oh well. Besides that it totally rocks ;D
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Old July 11th, 2008 (04:25 AM).
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Quote originally posted by iRawr-x:
Very nice story ;D I'd thought it would be very emotional. But Oh well. Besides that it totally rocks ;D
Hm... perhaps I am lacking in emotion myself and therefore can't really depict it. I'm not really in to drama so maybe that was a bad move on my part. Either that or can't find the words. Any suggestions?

If you're wondering why Mari isn't that emotional... well, it mainly started where I wanted to imagine what it would be like having had very little social interaction since she's kind of reclusive. The only person she misses is her mom as she is the only person she really cares about. Also, Mari is in a state of shock and uncertainty at what's real and what isn't. When she does miss her mom, there's so much going on and so much pressure that she can't express it openly out of fear. The dream sequence was in a way her subconcious trying to return to normality, and I hoped this brought out emotion in her, but perhaps not.

If there's any way I can improve on that I'm happy to take suggestions.
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Old July 11th, 2008 (05:01 AM).
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Read about half, great story so far! i will continue reading and tell you what i think :D
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Old July 12th, 2008 (12:06 AM).
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Quote originally posted by erbe3:
Read about half, great story so far! i will continue reading and tell you what i think :D
Awesome looking forward to hearing what you think.
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Old July 14th, 2008 (07:50 PM).
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I liked the third chapter, as it began to explain what an elemite is, but I'm still puzzled, lol. I'll figure it out soon enough. Anyways, I'm going to attempt a review. I'm not the best but I like to try to help my fellow writers =) So here I go:



Quote:
With that Mari realised that she stood no better a chance of seeing her mom than she did the night before, and it hurt.
Realised should be realized



Quote:
The fear was so unfamiliar to her that she grew light headded, and began to act uppon her instincts.
Headded should be headed, and uppon should be upon


Quote:

He began to realise that having a spoiled brat around was going to affect his life a lot more than he expected, right down to the simple things.
Realize


Quote:
With that, Donik shifted into a more comfortable position. "Mari, is it?" After a nod of comformation that he was using the correct name he reached out and snapped his fingers towards her "Over here - look at me."... We are at war with the neighbouring humans.

Comformation is conformation and neighbouring is neighboring


Quote:
They have forgotten how to use their own pokemon moves, hey have forgotten their pokemon ancestry, and they attack us out of jealousy!"



hey should be they



Quote:
It could only be a murkrow.
Murkrow. I always capitalize the pokemon, but that's just me


Quote:
Not while her 'captor' showed so much hostility compatred to what she was used to in her life back home.
Compared


Quote:
The market stall in the claering outside bustled with life.

Clearing


Quote:
He had to know for sure, how she ticked, what her strenghs and weaknesses were. After considering perhaps feigning an attack at her himself, he scrapped the idea.

Strengths


And again, with pineco, I would capitalize it but it agian, its just me.


Overall its just spelling, and most are easily noticed. Grammer wise however, I don't see anything, but I'm not that good at noticing that. But I hope this helped. I can't wait for chapter 4!
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Old July 15th, 2008 (12:37 AM). Edited July 15th, 2008 by Amoeba.
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IceDragon2439: Oh my, thanks for pointing those out! I didn't notice I had made so many typos and spelling mistakes

I'm supried spellcheck didn't pick up on those.

Sorry if you're a little confused. I tried to explain it subtly to give you an idea. Maybe I didn't do too well. Not sure if I should explain now because there'll be more word of it to come in later chapters. I'm sort of unravveling it bit by bit, so the reader isn't overwhelmed with information and ends up forgetting half the plot.

I should have added - the only reason why I don't capitalize pokemon names is because I wouldn't capitalize animal names. I wouldn't write "The Snake slithered through the grass", the s in snake would be lower case.
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Old July 15th, 2008 (07:15 AM).
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That's fine, I just got use to capitilizing the names. And with the plot, its not a bad thing the I don't know fully yet but it will come to me. It is only the first few chapters, so I'll understand soon.
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Old July 15th, 2008 (01:38 PM). Edited August 31st, 2008 by Buoysel.
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Quote originally posted by Amoeba:
I should have added - the only reason why I don't capitalize pokemon names is because I wouldn't capitalize animal names. I wouldn't write "The Snake slithered through the grass", the s in snake would be lower case.
You are referring to when it is an improper noun. You should capitalize it if it is the name of said object, Jack or Pikachu or Buizel, because they are the names of animal or people, if it were in general, then yes it would be lower cased.


Only have time to do the first chapter, and I will only be doing grammar and spelling. corrections will be in bold .

---------------

A shape emerged upon the page as she controlled the pale brown pencil with limited skill

"Yes mom?" Mari didn't bother turning to face her mother, who stood poking her head around the bedroom door.

Mari's nose curled at the thought. "Another time," she assured, continuing to scratch away at the page. So comfy and clean - why would she want to go fishing?

bubble to experience firsthand the wilderness she so admired.

mobile phone

Quote originally posted by kc:
Personally, I would use cell phone. but that is up to you, depending on where you live.
Not long after she had refused to fish, she gathered up her game boy color , link cable and a couple of cartages and plopped them into her dainty little light blue backpack. It contrasted blaringly with her light pink pinifor, but she seemed hardly conscious at all of it. She changed from her scruffy nylon joggers into loose, clean dark gray leggings before slipping out the door unnoticed.

first floor apartment a second time.

each containing her favorite pokemon at great levels of strength. Smiling at the fantasy she would slip into a dream world where the bus she was in and the people she shared it with would cease to exist

Shifting her position for comfort, she slipped back into her pokemon realm uneasily. She was battling. An anonymous trainer's male Nidoran comically bounced away after receiving a hefty mega punch from her Ursaring. The lawn was beautiful, a rich green in the intense sunlight. Prime battling weather, in her head she could feel a cool breeze tickle her bare arms.

Quote originally posted by kc:
If this is a scene change then use something along the lines of; ****, or, ----------.

However if it simply a transition scene, then use something like; The bus slowed as it reached the Forbane Town Square bus stop. Scrapping her fantasy in an instant she began to rise from her seat and attend to reality - this was her stop. Her…
She didn't need any further indication that something was seriously wrong. Panic set in. The skin around her lips tingled with fear.

Quote originally posted by kc:
again with the scene change
The next thing Mari knew, she was looking at a roof of green leaves illuminated by the sun above her. Birds twittered from…

Quote originally posted by kc:
Run-on: Slowly Mari rolled on to her side, careful of the rocks she was lying on, and propped herself up in to a sitting position on the carpet of moss and grass on the rocks beneath her.
Cautious of the rocks she lay on, Mari rolled to her side. She propped herself up into a sitting position on the carpet of moss and grass.

Close to sobbing, she ploughed on through the vegetation until she reached a clearing.

as she [b realized] [/b] the area had been cleared by a

Behind the gates of the building , was the beginnings of an open yard,
to civilization muddied

"Trespassers will be prosecuted."

but as she pondered, she began to realize she had no choice

a barrier. Mari

Quote originally posted by kc:
When you use “”, use a comma after a sentence, unless, your sentence is a question or exclamation.
"Watch it, little lady," a scrat…

metal armor ,

by a cotton baggy suit. His

simple length of gray

Quote originally posted by kc:
this sencece should be incorapted in to the nex paragraph.
To Mari, he appeared indestructible . Mari didn't even have time…
enough incentive to avoid

which colony are you from?" He reverted to a serious expression as he said this, as if he were talking to a colleague . His arms
The armored man's eyes squinted at her, expectant of an answer. Something in his mind clicked, and his expression reverted to a sinister grin.

staring straight down

of a second he interoperated her movements and acted upon it effectively.

off his armor , generally

------------------

This is an interesting story, to say the least. I am defiantly interested to see where this goes.

Two words before you post the next chapter; Spell check.
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