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  #1    
Old October 25th, 2008, 07:14 PM
The Original Darkwiz787's Avatar
The Original Darkwiz787
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Hello. I'm Darkwiz787, and I'm fairly new to PC. I am also new to writing fanfics, and i haven't been writing in a while so I'm still a little rusty.


Contents
Prolouge
Chap 1


Chaos
Prolouge
In the massive rock we call Earth; four regions were once vast sanctuaries for hundreds of thousands of Pokemon and humans. Each Pokemon was blessed in their own way. Some could fly across vast mountains; others could swim through great oceans at incredible paces.

But in the beginning, only one Pokemon existed. Arceus, the creator of the universe was floating in the vast emptiness of nothing. He felt no emotion for an unknown but assumed long length of time. Until one day, A tiny drop of loneliness came into his mind. Because he felt no emotion, this felt like a burning scar to him, so he did something. He created the universe, which was split into two parts: Dialga and Palkia. They represented Time and Space respectively. Once these mighty beasts were created, Spirit was created. It was also split into pieces; Mesprit, or "Emotion"; Azelf, or "Willpower"; and Uxie, or "Knowledge".
With this created, Life was born , and more creatures were spawned to help keep order in the world. And "these creatures", well, we call them Pokemon!

Or at least that's what the history book says. 10 year old Eclipse Carman was studying for a BIG test in the trainers’ school. As he read the text on his book it seemed to light up when light gleamed off his shiny black eyes onto the text in the book. His eyes seemed to be a real contrast to his hair which was a stunning shade of smoky white, and I matched his pale skin. And, just like every other kid, he wanted to be a Pokemon master! But no one knew how smart he was; intact, they all thought he would fail this test! But, He still had confidence in himself that he could pass the test and become a Pokemon trainer!!

He wasn't always called Eclipse, though. It was in the recent event his brother passed on to the realm above, and now Eclipse always sees everything with his glass half empty. Even in the best of situations. At that was how Kent Carman became known as Eclipse Carman.

Art

Eclipse
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Last edited by The Original Darkwiz787; November 8th, 2008 at 10:42 AM.
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  #2    
Old October 25th, 2008, 08:46 PM
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I believe this would go to the main forum, since it is the beginning of a story. The writer's lounge is to get feedback about your idea, whereas the parent forum is for posting and reviewing fictions.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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  #3    
Old October 25th, 2008, 08:58 PM
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:D Yeah. I was getting there. I just completely forgot that.

Moving this to the main forum! And Darkwiz, you can PM/VM me any questions you might have.
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  #4    
Old October 26th, 2008, 01:03 PM
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Pretty cool. You mean, though, he sees everything with the "glass half empty". Great entrance to the story!
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  #5    
Old October 26th, 2008, 01:52 PM
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The Original Darkwiz787
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Thanks for the comments! I've decided to make Chapter one, which *starts* to put the name to use

Chapter 1-Diseased


In the final year of Trainers School, each student was given an egg, and, if you raised it properly it would hatch just at the end of the year. Now Eclipse, he is a big fan of steel type Pokemon. He loves that shiny metallic look they have, that hard, unbreakable defensive power. So when it came time to choose your egg, he found a grey egg even though the egg wasn't very shiny, and it had a zigzag pattern on it.

I wonder what Pokemon I’ll get? He thought to himself.

Maybe an Onix! Or a Skarmory! Or an Aron!

"So, Kent, your finale choice is that Eevee?" Professor Ketchum, Eclipses teacher, asked him.

"Eevee?" Kent replied, shocked at what the teacher said.

"Everyone knows Eevees are brown! This isn't an Eevee!"

"I know, it's strange, a grey Eevee egg, but I highly doubt that two Leafeons breed anything other than Eevees" Professor Ketchum said back.

“Whatever. This isn't an Eevee egg. I don't care what you say, but it's not an Eevee egg."


11 Months Later

Now it's the final day of Trainers’ School. The students are anxious to get there results and see if they passed. Sure enough, the results are in at least after 30 minutes of suspense. Professor Ketchum walks into the small little room with Maroon walls, walks past the chalk board, and around his desk. He goes up to one kid’s desk, and gives him the test back. Then, a screech comes out and says "YES! I PASSED!” Then the next person gave a sigh of relief, signaling he passed, then the next person, said a quiet yes, and so on and so forth.

Finally, it came to be Eclipses turn to get his test back. It was placed on his desk, and, of course, he passed. But no noise was made, because he was still mourning his brother's death.

At the end of the day, Eclipse grabbed his bag and headed home. He decided to take a detour to his house. He walked into Eterna Park, and passed a huge oak tree, with a beautiful green color in the newly grown leaves. He decided to sit right down beside it even though a bench was right there. He didn't want to disturb the man sleeping on it.

Eclipse glanced around the park a little. The park was wide open, great for picnickers. every now and then you came across a tree for shade, unless you follow the path into the forest. He saw a beautiful slim girl named Laura walking with her egg around the park. Eclipse had a big crush on her. She had long strawberry blonde hair and deep red eyes concealed by Black sunglasses. They always matched her black boots and her black belt. She wore a cream hat and a blue backpack. Then she turned and saw Eclipse. She shook her hand back and forth to wave, but then she looked in front of her and saw a Overweight man with a serious acne problem sleeping there and Laura collapsed to the floor. Eclipse got up and rushed over to her aid. He realized that was the first time he cared about anything was just now. He aided the girl to her feet, and she spoke.

"Eclipse...thanks! But what's up with this guy? He was pale skin and a really bad Acne problem!" She said with a disgusted tone in her voice

Crack! Eclipse and Laura heard a quite cracking noise. They both looked around around for a second, and whoosh! A Glameow came flying out of Laura's egg! It had a long tail that curled, and I'm sure if you uncurled it it would be three feet. It was colored with a light shade of purple and it had orange and blue eyes. There was white around her mouth and on top of her huge pointy ears that popped out the side of her head, along with pink in the middle of the ears.

"Awe...It's so cute!" Laura was admiring her Pokemon.

"I'm going to call you Glamy!"

This reminded Eclipse of his egg! He pulled it out, and there was a crack straight down the middle. And the crack was growing, until the egg snapped open and a tiny little...Eevee popped out! But it wasn't just any Eevee, it was a grey Eevee.
And it was so small and cute! It shook it's little mane around. It didn't do much moving. It then sat down and fell asleep.

"Eevee! Return!" Eclipse shouted.

"Oh, Eclipse! How can you be so mean! How would you like to be crammed into a little ball!"

"Well, I might enjoy so I don't have to listen to you talk about Pokeballs and not putting Pokemon in them!" He shot back.

"Oh, come on, I know you like me!"

This instantly brought an expression of shock to his face

"But...How...You...How...Do...Know..." He couldn’t think of what to say, so he just left.

"AHHH!" A shriek pierced through the Air. It was the shriek of Laura when the weird acne guy fell on her foot.

"You’re not sleeping..." Laura said

"You’re dead..."

At home, Eclipse was miserable about the Eevee thing.

"Ha ha, you got an Eevee!" Phoenix, Eclipses nephew teased

"Shut up!" Eclipse said, punching Phoenix on the shoulder.

"Ha ha you got an Eevee!" He said again.

"I realize I didn't get a steel type!" Eclipse said angrily, this time pushing him into a wall.

"Okay, okay, don't need to get so mad about it!"

After Phoenix left the room, Eclipse turned on the TV. He saw the news was on!

"Just yesterday, a new disease struck Sinnoh and Sinnoh wasn't prepared. Tons of people all across Sinnoh have been found dead because of this. Here's Shelly Norman with a report on the Situation" The TV said, switching the spotlight to a fellow newscaster.

"Thanks Jeremy. Well, today we have come all across Sinnoh looking for people who witnessed the symptoms of this Disease.
And we're here in Eterna Park where someone died on a bench. We found someone who witnessed this person die, her name is Laura Rowan. We asked her what she saw."

Wait... Could that guy that was sleeping be a victim of this disease? Eclipse thought about it...

I wonder.


"Hi Mom!" Lauren yelled out on the TV

"Anyways, today I witnessed something disgusting. I was walking home from my last day of School and I was with my egg hoping it would hatch. I saw a kid from school, and when I turned in front of me, I fainted! It was a guy that was as pale as ever! He was covered in red dot's that looked like acne and he was sleeping! But then, when my friend left he fell off the bench and he was dead! Oh yea, and the smell... EWW!" She finished talking

"Well Jeremy, that’s what I have for my small report." And the Reporter was done talking.

Eclipse turned off the news. He knew that it was all playing live, so he could still catch up to Laura. As he walked to the park, he passed at least three people covered in red spots and pale skin.




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Last edited by The Original Darkwiz787; October 27th, 2008 at 04:30 AM.
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  #6    
Old October 26th, 2008, 07:03 PM
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Very interesting, and quite good for someone your age. But don't change the font, its too hard to read all small like that.

I saw little grammar errors, and I noticed no spelling mistakes so good job.

I don't think that a pokemon that just hatched would be bouncing around. Most animals struggle a lot to get out of the egg, so they usually rest after they break free.

You need to work on describing though. For instance, what does Glameow look like? Is the park filled with people? Is it just one big open filed? Is it filled with trees? Is there a well marked path?

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  #7    
Old October 27th, 2008, 04:37 AM
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The Original Darkwiz787
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Ok! I did some edits with describing.
Thanks for the comment, and I used a spell checker!
And Eevee no longer bounces around...
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  #8    
Old October 27th, 2008, 02:33 PM
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Write more! it was awesome! gray eevee......
Funny!
You have potential to be able to write a really good story!

Pretty awesome!!
keep writing and good luck!
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Last edited by Astinus; October 27th, 2008 at 04:19 PM. Reason: merging double posts~
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  #9    
Old October 27th, 2008, 05:22 PM
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The Original Darkwiz787
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Mhm. He was lucky (Or unlucky) And got a shiny eevee. LOL



Announcment
Well, I was reding some fanfics, and decided too use a good strategy: Every 5thChapter or so will be telling about the characters past. For example, events before Eclipse was in trainers school, or when his Bro. Died.
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  #10    
Old October 29th, 2008, 04:36 PM
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Ohh, this looks really good, I wanna know what the disease is :/

Looks compelling though, hope the next parts out soon!
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  #11    
Old November 8th, 2008, 10:25 AM
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The Original Darkwiz787
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Join Date: Jul 2008
A Short Little Chapter With Big News And a little change in the story line!- Warning! May be PG-13
As Eclipse walked along the Long streets of Eterna city, he saw a light up ahead. more specifically, a red and blue light. He could hear the sounds of sirens ringing loudly in his ears.

"What's all the commotion?" He thought to himself out loud.

He saw three police men investigating a dead body covered up by a large blue cloth. As one of the police man was writing some information down, two claws ripped through the blue cloth. Instantly the police officers each drew there gun from there waist and fired. Chunks of rotting brown flesh came flying through the bullet holes. Then came the silence-the calm before the storm. Seconds later the creature stood up and attacked. It was charging towards the police officer.

"Go Blaziken!" The police officer held out a red and grey ball, and a red light came out of it.
"Use blaze kick!" A large red creature about six feet tall stood up. It had red fur with a yellow colour around its bulky legs. It skinny arms had little bits of fire coming out of the wrists. Its leg burned with a large flame and he kicked the thing right in the stomach.

"ZOMBIE!" The other police officer's cried.

The blow to the stomach caused the zombie to cough up potent blood at the police officers and the Blaziken, instantly turning their skin white; pimples grew, and then came the next stage-zombification. That gross layer of pale skin just peeled off revealing a frail brown layer of skin and bone underneath.

"What the hell?!" Eclipse screamed.

The Blaziken turned and looked at him. The zombie Blaziken proved that just because you have skin and bone doesn't mean you’re not strong. he picked up a police car and whipped it at Eclipse. At the last second before the car ended Eclipse's life Eclipse jumped just out of the way; but the car ripped of the top half of his middle finger, leaving just a stump behind where the middle finger used to be.

"DAMN" He screamed in anger, pain, sadness, and realization.

He quickly applied pressure to his finger and he ran home as fast as possible.

At home, his mom was wrapping his hand in bandages.

"You know fingers don't grow back like your first set of teeth!" His Mom said in her annoying voice.

"Yes Mom." He said, rolling his eyes.

“Anyways, I'll tell you this now: We're moving to Kanto." His Mom said.

“What?!?!" Eclipse replied obviously displeasured by the fact.

"Don't worry dear, everyone's moving there."
"It's the only place with no zombies!"



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