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  #26    
Old November 9th, 2008 (02:30 PM). Edited November 9th, 2008 by txteclipse.
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txteclipse txteclipse is offline
Across the eons...
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I could use some help, I think, or at least another pair of eyes.

Title of Story: Eon Chronicles

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot summary: Two teenagers find a Latios and Latias and are swept into an epic fight between good and evil that has raged on for thousands of years.

Genre: Fantasy, Action, Drama, Horror

Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13

Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive (hello Xanthine!)

Writing sample of story (sorry it's so long...):
Spoiler:
Ren sat on the grass near the edge of the forest, slowly chewing on one of the last remaining berries Latias had brought to him, thinking. He had a lot to think about: the things Latias had shown him in the past few hours were nearly overwhelming. He had bonded with a pokémon, he thought, and it was one of the most complex, yet exciting, situations he had ever found himself in. He was still amazed at how Latias could speak to his mind. He was unsure if other pokemon were capable of this amazing feat, but he didn’t think so.

As he sat there, finishing the last of the berries, he thought up many questions. Why had luck favored him, if it was luck, giving him this wonderful gift? Where would he go from here? What would he do? What would he see? How would he introduce Latias to his parents, and how would they take it?

As Ren pondered these things, he did not notice as a cloaked and hooded figure crept up behind him. He jumped as the figure’s shadow fell across him, and then stood up quickly, turning around to face the stranger, sword in hand.

A man’s voice emanated from under the hood. “You are Ren, are you not?” said the voice. “I need you to come with me,” it continued, not waiting for Ren’s answer.

Ren held the sword in front of his body defensively. “How do you know my name?” he asked. “Why do you disguise your face? Show yourself!” he demanded, but his quavering voice gave away his fear.

The man did not oblige, nor did he answer. He simply turned in the direction of the path that lead towards town and away from the forest, and began to walk. Ren hesitated for a moment, and then began to follow the man warily, still holding his sword. The man did not speak for a while, so Ren ventured another question.

“Where are we going?” he asked. The man continued to hold his silence, so Ren discontinued further questioning.

Eventually, they turned off of the path and into the surrounding woods. After walking for a short time, they came upon a small cottage that had fallen into disrepair. The man proceeded to the front door, so Ren did the same.

Suddenly, the man was thrown to one side, seemingly struck by an invisible force. He lay writhing on the ground, as though he were struggling against something. Latias then appeared: she was pinning the man’s cloaked form to the ground with her forelegs.

“Where do you think you are going with this boy?” she was almost shouting at the man with her mind, using the same technique she used to communicate with Ren. “Speak, or I will hold you as foe and deal with you as such!” she finished, her face pressed close to the man’s, her eyes flashing like lightning.

The man stopped struggling and lifted his hands to his face, pulling back his hood. “Stop, stop Latias!” he said. “It’s me! It’s Griffith!”

Latias let the man up, backing away. As the man stood, Ren saw his face. It was the one eyed-merchant from the marketplace. “What are you doing here?” Ren asked, shocked.

Griffith regarded Ren with his one good eye. “I came to see you, Ren,” he explained. “I knew where that stone I gave to you would lead you, and what you would find. I knew you would meet Latias, and that your encounter would probably be overwhelming to you, so I came to help you understand her better. Come inside,” he finished, and began walking once again towards the door of the cottage.

Ren followed reluctantly at the man’s heels, Latias hovering close behind. They all three went inside, and Griffith closed the door behind them. “Now then,” said Griffith, taking off his cloak and placing it on a hook beside the doorway. “Where shall we begin, Latias?”

Ren spoke up. “How did Latias attack you?” he blurted out. “I couldn’t see her until she already had you on the ground.”

Latias and Griffith exchanged glances. “That’s as good a place as any to start,” Latias thought to both of them.

Griffith nodded in agreement, and then walked towards the back of the cottage, disappearing in an adjoining room for a moment. When he returned, he carried a stack of ancient, leather bound books in his hands. He placed the books on a table in the room, and patted the top book’s dusty cover affectionately. “These,” he began, “are the Eon Chronicles. Or at least what’s left of them. They contain all known information on Latias, as well as Latios, the male of her species.” He picked up the top book, flipping to its first page. “This is Latios,” he said, holding the book in front of Ren and pointing to a very detailed, colored sketch.

The picture depicted a pokémon much like Latias, although where Latias was red, this pokémon was blue. Furthermore, Latios had a white, teardrop-shaped mark on his forehead in contrast to Latias' pentagonal crest, and the triangle on his chest was bright red. Ren studied the sketch for a moment before Griffith pulled the book away.

“Now to answer your question,” Griffith told Ren, beginning to once again leaf through the pages of the ragged volume. “Ah, here,” he said after a few moments. He began to read from a yellowed page. “Latias has the ability to influence the light striking her body with her glass-like feathers,” he stated, “bending it to alter her appearance or even render herself invisible.”

Ren looked at Latias, who was punctuating the man’s words by taking on the appearance of the table she floated next to. Griffith continued to read aloud. “This ability allows Latias to catch prey or foes unaware, and allows her to blend in with any surroundings. It also helps her to avoid harm when foes are near, hiding her from sight.”

Ren walked over to Latias, who now appeared as a perfect copy of the table. He held out his hand, stroking her feathers. The image of the table rippled where his hand touched as Latias’ outer layer of feathers shifted, exposing red and white ones underneath.

Latias faded back into her normal coloration. “Now that you have your answer, Ren, I must tell you something important,” she thought to him. “It concerns the origins of my knowledge, which I told you before I didn’t know.” She studied his face. “What I told you was not truthful, Ren. My knowledge was built over many generations of my species, written down by your kind in the Eon Chronicles. Every one thousand years, a new member of my species is hatched, but not before a member of your species has taught them all of the information contained in the Chronicles.” She paused. Ren was listening intently.

“Griffith was elected to teach me,” she continued. “He is the last remaining member of a family that has taught my species for many, many generations.” She paused again.

“It is customary for the member of your species that teaches the member of my species to become partners with the hatchling,” she started once more. “However, since Griffith is the last of his line, he has decided to give his responsibility to an heir not of his own. He continued to teach me the knowledge of the Chronicles as he searched for a worthy candidate. He chose you to shoulder the responsibility of ensuring my kind’s survival, Ren. He chose you to be my partner, to record what you learn about me, and to teach my offspring all that is known in the Chronicles.”

At this point, Griffith began to speak. “There is a small problem, however,” he said. “Many volumes of the Eon Chronicles have been lost, either to the decay of time, simple misplacement, or theft. Therefore, we do not know all of Latias’ secrets, or what she is capable of.” He lowered his voice. “There is another problem,” he continued. “Every time a new member of the Eon Family is hatched, an evil force rises also, seeking to bend the Latias or Latios’ power to its will. The force usually manifests itself as a man, but has also manifested itself in other forms. This evil being attempts to gain control of all of the Eon Chronicles, thus ultimately finding out all of the secrets of the Eon family, including how to control it."

Latias began to message Ren again. “We are telling you this because we need to be cautious,” she thought to him. “The evil being has awakened; I have felt it as an ever-growing presence. Therefore, I must avoid being seen as long as possible, for the creature may have spies in the midst of the world’s creatures. If I am found, we will both be in danger, as the evil being will not hesitate to kill you and declare itself my partner. If that happens, the world may be all but lost: we have no idea what the creature could or would make me do at that point. Keep this in mind, Ren, always,” she finished, staring earnestly at Ren’s face.

Ren stood silently for a long time. His world was turning upside down. Finally he spoke. “What do we do now?” he inquired of Latias and Griffith.

“Train,” started Griffith.

“And find the missing Eon Chronicles,” Latias finished.


Other: What I really need is someone to come in and catch all of my mistakes, whether they be grammatical or plot-oriented. I also need a pacing check: I feel like the content of the story is slowly spiraling down into monotony and over-writing. I have reviewers, but I need someone that can basically come in, look at the story as a whole, and tell me how it's working.
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  #27    
Old November 11th, 2008 (12:10 PM).
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Grovyle42(Griff8416) Grovyle42(Griff8416) is offline
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What if we're already a good ways into the story... say... 20 chapters?
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  #28    
Old November 11th, 2008 (09:44 PM).
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That's ok, I guess - but you'd have to mention that so the Beta Readers know, and the Beta Reader would then have to be willing to familarise themselves with those chapters as well, so they know what's going on... (and with your fic, there's a fair load going on )

(BTW - added you eariler already txteclipse, in case you haven't noticed).
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  #29    
Old November 13th, 2008 (07:19 PM).
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Wait, what?
 
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Category - Plot and Grammar
Genre specialty- Adventure, horror, journey, thriller. No romance though.
Preferred method of contact - PM
Examples of writing -
Absol tales
Iron man
Forever shall I be at your side (Not completed)
Spoiler:
Thud thud thud. I heard the foot steps, dreading what was next.

Thud thud thud. They continued, adding to my dread.

Thud thud thud. Time slowed, but my heart sped up.

Thud thud thud. It was here, outside my door.

Thud thud thud. Slowly the door creaked, the thing was coming in.

Thud thud thud. The foot steps moved into my room, intesifying my fear.

Thud thud thud. It was standing there, underneath my bed.

Silence. It stopped moving. It must have seen what was on my desk.

Thud thud thud. It is standing by my bed again.

Thud thud thud. It is coming to the ladder.

Thud thud thud. It is climbing up to my bed.

I cannot look, my fear is to great.

"Zeke, wake up!" It shouted, at the foot of my mattress.

"I am awake." I replied, still not wanting to look.

"Good, then this will hurt more." It sneered, preparing whatever barbaric torture device it had in store.

Sharp, stinging pain in my forehead. A round metal object had been thrown, and out of it came a dear friend of mine.

"Sentret?" It said inquisitively.

"Hello Ette, how are you today?" I replied, rubbing the spot of impact on my forehead.

"Hey, idiot, get out of bed!" The thing said, this time simply hitting one of my feet with its fist.

"Leave monstrosity! To the realm from whence ye came!" I shouted, pointing at it.

"Hey! Mom told you not to call me that!" It exclaimed, equally as loud. "I'm gonna tell on you!" '

I sighed at this, hoping the consequences wouldn't be to severe. "By the way," It added before leaving "Mom told me to wake you up."

I watched the thing I call my sister leave, knocking over a few books on my desk on her way out. I groaned as I got out of bed, not wanting to leave the warmth of my blankets; and my body shared my minds sentiment. As I got to the bottom of the ladder leading up to my bed, I sat down on my sisters bed underneath. Ette had followed me down, and even as I sat on my sisters bed, she squeaked repeatedly, sometimes scratching at my door. I watched, wondering why she was acting so odd this morning, but nothing came to mind as I thought about it. I slowly made my way to my dresser to get my clothes for today, still wondering what Ette wanted. Once I had decided to wear a black turtleneck shirt that day with thick carpenter jeans, I walked over to my desk to pick up what my sister had knocked off. One was a book I was reading called 'Absol tales' and the other was a complete field guide of Johto, the region I lived in. I softly placed them back on my desk, turning around to find Ette, still scratching at the door. After watching her do this for a little bit longer, I finally figured out why she was acting this way.

Toady was the first day of my Gym leader challenge journey!

I quickly grabbed the books I had placed on my desk and rushed out of my green walled room and down my stairs, and into my kitchen.

My mother was in there, and when I walked in, she said "It's about time you woke up, you have to get going today!" Unlike most mothers, mine had accepted the fact that I was leaving, and had no problems with it. I said a quick "Yes, I know." to my mother, and sat down to eat my breakfast.

As I nearly inhaled my cereal, a sudden chill came over me, and I bolted upright slowly turning around. There stood the thing, and as I laid my eyes upon it, a shriek escaped my lips, and I nearly fell out of my seat.

Examples of reviews/beta-reports: -
Review of Purplestealth's An awesome adventure
Review of Dark_Aero's Little bit longer
Review of lvl99rayquaza's Sinnoh guardians: rise of Blaze
Strengths/weaknesses: I may be a little harsh, or just plain odd. I tend to review things in a way that gets the job done good, but not in an extremely professional way. Other than that, I do sometimes act impulsive.
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  #30    
Old November 13th, 2008 (10:33 PM).
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Added you, Hippy!, as a Grammar and Plot Beta Reader. Feel free to take anyone on now if you wish.
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  #31    
Old November 16th, 2008 (10:57 AM).
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Neiko Star Neiko Star is offline
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Now I need a Beta reader for my new fic. O_O (The first chapter's not out yet, but you can check out the short prologue.)

Title: Land of Arecta: Wind Quest
Fandom: The Song of the Lioness, The Immortals, The Circle of Magic, kinda like that...
Plot: Renka(name not sure yet) wants to be a mage, so she enters the Lightvale(name not sure either) Academy, where they teach magic and fighting to to-be mages and warriors. However, you must be of nobility to be able to attend the school, so Renka disguises herself as a princess of a faraway land. Unfortunately, after half a year of useless training at the academy, she is forced to believe that her magic is not strong enough to be a mage. To make things worse, the princess she was disguised in suddenly appears on the academy's doorsteps. Renka is expelled from Lightvale, and decides to journey to the holy moutains of Heleos(once again, name not sure) to strengthen her magic. However, she is about to discover that her magic does not need strengthening at all.
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: G/PG-13 (There will be words like 'damn' and 'shut up'.)
Type of Mentor Needed: Comprehensive (And also the kind that can find me some good names -__-
Writing Sample of the Story:

Rebekah turned back to her carpets, hanging each of them with care, so that the passer-bys could see them properly. She hung the last one, then gestured to her daughter.

Renka kneeled down and took out a pile of thread from underneath the stall. She handed the pile to her mother, who took it and placed it on the counter. She carefully sorted out every color, until there were five, small, neat piles of red, blue, green, violet and black.
Then, she closed her eyes and held out a hand. Her hand began to glow bright silver, and Renka watched silently was the threads began to curl, twist and knot themselves. When Rebekah reopened her eyes, there sat a thin braid of thread. She put on hand over it, muttered a few words, and the braid glowed bright silver. In seconds, the colors had arranged themselves into a pretty pattern.

“That was magic, wasn’t it?” Renka asked abruptly.

“Well, yes,” Rebekah answered, surprised by her daughter’s question. Renka had seen her do this many times, and had never questioned whether it was magical or not.
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  #32    
Old November 16th, 2008 (09:16 PM).
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Ok, adding you, Neiko Star. (Remember, get those reviews as well).
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  #33    
Old November 19th, 2008 (01:46 PM).
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An-chan An-chan is offline
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Age: 24
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I'm applying for the position of a beta client!

Title of Story: Mama's Boy

Fandom: Well, Pokémon, and that's it

Plot summary: A boy called Jack leaves to his trainer journey - and his mom tags along. His childhood friend, Mari, travels with the two and then there's also Lilian, the mysterious girl a couple of years older than Jack and Mari. Jack and Mari travel further and start to learn more things about Jack's dad and Mari's mom who both died in an explosion eight years ago - an explosion Jack's mom never talks about. As Lilian is revealed to be something completely different than she looked like, the mystery starts to unveil...

Genre: Comedy, adventure, and mystery, with a tad of conspiracy in it

Rating (PG, R, etc): Eh, well, I don't know. PG-13, maybe?

Type of mentor needed: Someone for grammar, really, athough I'd prefer Xanthine because she's so darn thorough and frank with her criticism. I want to get better with my writing. If there's someone who wants to help me become a novelist one day, then feel free to say so!

Writing sample of story:

Spoiler:
"Jack Killigan, I believe you're the only one left," LeBlanc said smiling and had me open my eyes, "What would be your choice..?"

I had had a hard time deciding between piplup and chimchar, but now that Mom had a grass type, I had to have a chimchar. For that purpose, I had come up with this awesome strategy about a week ago. You know, when you're the last one to choose your starter, you never get the one you request for first. So, I decided to ask piplup first and when told there weren't any, I'd "settle" with my chimchar. The first thing I'd do with my chimchar, who I'd name either Marianne or Raymond, after my father, would be beating up my Mother in a fair fight. Maybe that'd make me feel better, too.

"I want a piplup," I said. I think I was blushing out of sheer enthusiasm. My dream was finally coming true. Now it didn't matter if Mom was with me or not, because I was going to be a real pokémon trainer with real pokémon. Nobody could stop me from being happy now!

"Here you go!"

"Ahhh, too bad, I guess I'll have to take chim... Wait, what?"

"Here's your piplup. He's the last one of his kind, too, so you were lucky, young mister Killigan!" LeBlanc smiled with his whole face, beaming of happiness for my heavenly luck's sake. Grownups really are more stupid than you'd think, aren't they?

"But, ah, I would want... I want a chimchar, really..." I mumbled, holding the pokéball of that held the last piplup inside it. I held it like an idiot, I really should have given it back and said I didn't want it.

"Go on, let the piplup out," LeBlanc encouraged me and pointed at the button on the pokéball. I was about to object, but a swift look at the round table silenced me. The section for chimchar balls was empty. I had not fooled the law of the last choicemaker after all. I had only fooled myself. Well, a piplup wasn't so bad, was it?

As expected, he wasn't a shiny. The only thing special about him was a dark stripe on his peck. He seemed like a nice fellow, looking at me curiously and all. I knew I'd get along with him, so I started to feel at ease again.


Other: I've written stories since I was five years old, but I only started writing in English somewhere around last July. So, it's really the grammar that is my problem more than enything else. However, as I really plan on becoming a novelist, I need all the criticism and feedback I can get. So, any volunteers?
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  #34    
Old November 19th, 2008 (06:38 PM).
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Added, An-chan. Whoosh, 5 clients now... remember - if you find someone, tell me so I can update the list.
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  #35    
Old November 19th, 2008 (08:06 PM).
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Buoysel Buoysel is offline
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Title of Story: This Time (Not 100% sure yet)
Fandom: Pokémon
Plot summary: A not so original trainer with the POV of a Pokémon who doesn't have the greatest of trainers.
Genre: OT
Rating (PG, R, etc): I’m not going to say that you have to be X years old to read my work, but it is intended for mature audiences.
Type of mentor needed: Proof Reader, just another set of eyes, and someone to tell me if something is stupid.
Writing sample of story: Part of Prologue
Spoiler:
It was a scary experience when I did see my first human. I froze in terror hiding in the dense brush of the forest floor. I nearly passed out trying to hold my breath. It finally wondered out of the area, I let out a sigh of relief and realized how thrilling it was to live on the edge. I was hooked; all I could think of was taking my next risk, no matter the consequences. I found more humans wondering around in the forest. I was lucky for the first few times.

I eventually got spotted. The first human that saw me was truly one of a kind. She slowly approached me. I wanted to flee, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. As she drew closer, I began to sake uncontrollably. My limbs trembled. Despite my attempts to put up a good front, she knew I was petrified. “It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you,” she said in such a clam tone that I truly believed she would not hurt me.

Other: Not my first attempt at writing, but hopefully will be my first completed project.
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  #36    
Old December 5th, 2008 (01:50 PM).
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Akeraz Akeraz is offline
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Title of Story: The Chronicles of Lunari
Fandom: Pokémon
Plot summary: The story of a Young man Named Lunari, who lived in the world of Pokémon over 500 years ago.
Genre: Fantasy
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13
Type of mentor needed: I need help with grammar and the overall layout of the Fic, as well as help with progressing my Ideas.
Writing sample of story: I kinda already posted the first chapter without much guidance, so perhaps you could check that - ://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=162009
Other: Well, This is my first fic, so I'll need quite a bit of guidance.
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  #37    
Old December 9th, 2008 (07:16 PM).
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Title of Story: The Prodigy

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot summary
: A typical Gary-Stu used to winning all his life finally meets defeat at the “Pro-Test”, and is unable to get his Pokémon trainer’s license. His life takes a bad turn and the once perfect Memo (that's his name) meets treason, drugs, prostitutes, fights, thievery, and becomes deeply entangled with some teams who are looking for monopoly of drug and Pokémon trafficking.

Genre
: Dark → OT (non-traditional)

Rating: R for strong references, to drugs, murders and prostitution, as well as (non-graphic) sex and sexuality.

Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive Beta Reader (I don’t consider myself a bad writer, but this is my first fanfic, and although it is a bit complicated, and mature, I don’t want to take my chances).

Writing sample of story: This is the beginning of my prologue, as I don’t want to completely give it away yet -
Spoiler:
“Perfection achieved!” the announcer’s voice rumbled throughout the hall of Jane City’s Municipal Auditorium. The crowd roared in excitement at the sight of the Pokémon battle that had ensued; jumping, clapping, cheering and bellowing, the whole hall started to shake violently, leading many of the younger attendees to start crying. Here and there, fights broke out between the drunken men in attendance, and both cops and guards scrambled to stop these as soon as possible.
The voice of the announcer continued excitedly through the hall’s speakers. “We’ve just witnessed an impressive strategy, relying on perfect calculations, and analysis of a less experienced trainer by Guillermo “The Prodigy” Rebello, who has overpowered and completely destroyed his opponent with an expertly-aimed attack combination to defeat his opponent, and become champion of the Interscholar Pokémon Battling Tournament Open-Level!”
Both the crown and announcer refused to calm down, which made the hall shake ever so violently. Even more children began to cry, and an increasing number of them to get lost, prompting even more ruckus and disorder in the hall.



Other: My first language is Spanish and I rely heavily on Microsoft Word’s spell-check, which I’ve heard isn’t such a good idea. Any kind of advice, or constructive criticism is gladly accepted.
Please PM me if interested.
Spoiler:

I feel like I’m writing a ‘FriendFinder’ Account :\
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  #38    
Old December 9th, 2008 (09:59 PM). Edited December 9th, 2008 by bobandbill.
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Added you, drunk. And don't worry about feeling like the form was like on to find a friend - beta readers are all the friends you need now. It's mostly though one can get all they information they will likely need striaght off, saving long convos before one decides if they'll take you on or not. And so forth.

I also added you days ago, JackorzKfnz, just didn't have the time to post confirmation as well and figured I could do so later like now.

IMPORTANT! IF YOU HAVE FOUND A BETA READER, TELL ME!
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Old December 15th, 2008 (06:53 PM).
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Well, it's my first time in attempting at a fic, and I think I will need a tester of course XD


Title of Story: Mexican Chocolate

Fandom: Pokemon, Pearlshipping

Plot summary:

Ash, Dawn, Brock, and Max decide to visit Pokemon-World Mexico after an exhausting journey in Sinnoh. However, they meet up with 2 antagonists, Pokemon Hunter J, and Humberto Valdez, a Mexican Outlaw. Both seeking the Orb of Nature to control the Ecosystem and nature, and thus, the world. The removal of the orb could cause a devastational current that could destroy the Sinnoh region. Now it is up to Ash, Dawn, Brock, and Max to stop them.

Genre: Action, Comedy, Romance (in later stages), Real world mixture

Rating : PG-13: Language, Mild Non-graphic Sexuality, Crude humor.

Type of mentor needed: Character/Plot, Grammar

Writing sample of story: (Watch out, long example. Half of one of my Prologues,)
Spoiler:



Today sure feels strange…

That was the thought of Ash, Dawn, and Brock as they entered the Pokemon Center in Viridian City.

After a rough week back in Sinnoh, Dawn was interested in seeing Ash and Brock’s hometowns. She had never seen the Kanto region before.

The center was pretty quiet, there were almost nobody in there except them, a few other people, and Nurse Joy.

As Dawn’s Pokemon were being checked by Nurse Joy, who is seemingly being checked out by Brock, the center door suddenly opened and came in a kid in a plain green shirt with black shorts, running down the building to Nurse Joy.

“Please help me! My Treecko is hurt from battling a Pidgey, it needs help quickly!” exclaimed the kid to nurse Joy. He was very desperate and looked like he was at the brink of having a breakdown.

“Just calm down boy,” she replied, “I’ll get your Pokemon healed in no time.”

He handed her the Pokeball and placed it in a small care bed, which was taken a pair of Chansy to the emergency room to the right of her desk.

The boy sat down on a chair close to Ash and started to rub his fingers in nervousness.

Ash looked at him in curiosity. He looked very familiar, he tried and tried to remember but he couldn’t seem to place it together.

Finally when he saw the green shoes and yellow backpack, it came to him. That kid was Max!

“Max! Is that really you?” asked Ash as he walked to him in surprise.

“Huh? Oh! It’s you Ash! I can’t believe it! I missed you a lot! You really got taller and your voice got manly!” Ash blushed, “Pikachu is as cute and strong as ever, he still hangs on your shoulder? Oh I missed you as well so much!” then Pikachu blushed, “ Brock-o! I’m surprised you are still here without a little “Virginity Stealer” ey?” Brock drooped in disappointment, “And, and! And… who is she?” Max pointed at Dawn, then finally, she blushed.”

“Max, this is Dawn, she is one of my friends from the Sinnoh region. I’m sure May told you about her.” replied Ash

“Huh? Oh yeah, she said she was a “fackin shluty hore” or something because she beat her in the Wallace Cup. She sure likes competition”

“WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?!” screamed Dawn. She ran up to Max very fast and was at the verge of strangulating him.

“Ahh! I was just kidding! Ahh! Ack! Ack!”

“Woah Dawn! Calm down!” Ash pulled her back from Max and put his hands on her shoulders. “He was just kidding, no need to make him look like a Girafarig.”

“But he called me a wh-“

“I’m sorry Dawn,” interrupted Max, “But she still seemed kind of mad after she came back to Hoenn”

Dawn calmed down after a bit, and sat back down. Ash sat next to her, then she started crying.

“Dawn, what’s wrong?” asked Ash.

“ I thought she was my friend, but she simply hates me for being good” she sniffled.

“It’s ok,” reassured Ash, “I’m sure May wasn’t that kind of person, she is over reactive sometimes, you know that.”

As Ash sweet talked to Dawn, Max snickered.

“I’m telling my sis you are cheating on her.” He teased.

“What do you mean? I never even started with her!” replied Ash

“But she told me she liked you”

“Wha?”

“Yes, it’s true”

“Look Max, the thing is, I did really have those feelings for her. I just saw her as a friend.”

“Does that mean you don’t like her?”

“I like her as a friend, but not beyond that”

“So you do like her but never planned on a sexual relation with her?”

“How old are you!?”

“Ten”

“Oh gosh, just shut up.”

“You’re very mean”

“She’ll understand, no? She is mature enough to understand.”

“She won’t, I read her diary. She wanted to hug you, kiss you, smooch you, and eventually where it’s legal, bunk up with you and have some-“

“OH PLEASE DON’T REMIND ME! THIS BRINGS TOO MUCH SUFFERING! WAAH!” interrupted Brock. He started sobbing for the fact that he never got a real girlfriend.

There was a long silence, Dawn was still sobbing, as if she had heard nothing.


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  #40    
Old December 16th, 2008 (12:26 AM). Edited December 16th, 2008 by Swift!.
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Title of Story: Don't have one yet. =P
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: A secret organization, hidden by a popular business (Silph Co.), are allowing people to become half-human, half-Pokemon hybrids with a simple injection. A certain citizen doesn't like this and says it's unhuman, so he decides to hunt down every human/Pokemon hybrid and kill them. But, with the "treatment" becoming more and more popular, how will he possibly be able to kill them all?
Genre: Action, Thriller, Suspense.
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG15 or higher (for violence, language and gore)
Type of mentor needed: Plot and Language
Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:

prologue
Click.

Beep.

“This is the status update recording for week 58.”

Beep.

“My assistant and I have been running this experiment-”

Beep.

“-uhm, we’ve been running it for just over 13 months now a-”

Beep.

“-and... the results of Trial... 362, have come back clean. The-”

Beep.

“...the test subject is showing no sign of infection or scientific-”

Beep.

“...fault. I believe we have finally created a stable and none le-”

Beep.

Click.

A man in a lab coat spun on an office chair and stared over to an open door; his coat was frayed and tattered at the bottom as well as at the end of the sleeves, smears of new and old blood covered his clothing. His thick, rimless glasses had a thin layer of dust settled upon them and the chair he sat upon had a wheel missing, making it hard to work his way around the room without standing up. His colourless tongue darted out of his mouth, running over his dry and cracked lips in an attempt to restore as much moisture to them as he could.

He groaned as he rose to his feet, as if he hadn’t walked in days, his pale fingers twitched as he cautiously made his way over to the door. By the state his clothing was in, you could tell why he was acting this way; the damage he had sustained was something he didn’t want to have to experience again. “Edgar...” he managed to say, hoping to hear a response, but one didn’t come. With extra caution, the scientist stepped into the connecting room and prepared himself for whatever it was he would find.

A powerful stench of rotting flesh and month old blood washed over to him, he nearly stumbled over at how putrid the smell was, his head turned to the left and he saw the large doors of a room filled with dead Pokémon inside it, the doors were opened completely and a pile of rotting bodies had rolled out onto the floor. He put his hand over his mouth and cautiously made his way over to the makeshift Pokémon tomb.

As he made his way closer, short sharp breaths could be heard from his left; he turned quickly and let the hand covering his mouth drop away. There, sitting with his back against the dirty metal walls, was another man, obviously the scientists assistant. This man was dressed just like the other, but one major thing could be used to tell them apart, the fact that the assistant was bleeding profusely and there was a huge gash running from his right shoulder down to the left side of his hip. The scientist hobbled over quickly and kneeled down beside the injured man, “Edgar,” he breathed, while hovering his hands over the large gash, “What happened?”

The assistant, Edgar, turned his head with the little strength he had left and pointed into the room filled with the rotting Pokémon bodies. The scientist turned his head as well and stared over to the room, that’s when he noticed the smashed glass spread across the floor. At that moment, he knew that he was wrong about Trial 362; he quickly turned back to Edgar. His face dropped though, his assistant was dead from the loss of blood, he rose to his feet and headed for the “tomb”. The scientist peered inside and saw a humanlike shape in the corner; it was kneeling down and eating one of the dead bodies.

All of a sudden, the creature turned around and spotted the scientist, with incredible speed, the beast charged towards him and smashed him out of the way. The scientist was thrown against the wall; he looked up at the creature and watched as it tore through the wall, heading out into the world.
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Old December 16th, 2008 (01:58 AM).
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Added you two. However, Kev XY, for the story sample I just linked to your post, as the forums insists that with it I've exceeded the character limit, even though a quick check seems to disprove that. But one can't argue with stubborn forums which think otherwise, apparently. >_< I might try again later though, but either way one will see it.

People, if you want to be Beta Reader, I'd advise signing up/offering your services, as there is a number of clients swamping the place in need of a Beta Reader... And if you are a client here and you get a Beta Reader, tell me so I won't worry as much. At this rate I may have to take a few on myself if they find me suitable and nobody else is available to take more on, as I don't want people waiting so long and might finally have time for it with school finishing up... but hopefully I won't be needed. If not, screw my own projects - this be serious business!
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Old December 16th, 2008 (04:57 PM).
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You can take me off the front page, bobandbill.
I contacted Buoysel and he helped me out.
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Old December 21st, 2008 (05:13 PM). Edited December 21st, 2008 by bobandbill.
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Done, Kev XY.

Anyways... I'm now a Beta Reader as well, people. After I got myself approved by Astinus, of course. I'm PMing a few of you, so if you want me to take you one, check your PMs. GGoing to take some of you who have been waiting a while, so that there are less clients waiting. Can't take you all on though. >_< (Six is WAY too much considering I have betas elsewhere as well. And some of you wouldn't fit my category as well - don't want to offer advice when someone can do a much better job of it... I'll play to my strengths).

Anyways, my profile:
bobandbill - Grammar/Language/Proofreader Beta Reader - BACK-UP BETA READER) - OPEN (approved by Astinus)

Genre specialty: Any, but have mostly have done OT fics. Also do comedy.
Preferred method of contact: PM for initial contact, send documents via e-mail though.
Examples of writing: Check my sig - two banners link to my two stories.
Examples of reviews/beta-reports: All three of these are reviews:
'Their Villainy Must Go On'
'An Everlasting Love'
'Stars' (link to another forum - sppf O_O)
Strengths/weaknesses (optional):
Spoiler:
I consider myself good at finding mistakes in betaing (although admittedly I fail at this for my own works >_<). I tend to go over each line/paragaph one by one after reading, and adding my findings or comments underneath each one, explaining why the mistake is a mistake as well, or simply offering suggestions or commenting. In beta reading, I'm good at focusing on finding grammatical/spelling errors, dialogue, pacing and description. I'm not so good judge on plot and characters, although I feel I know how to offer advice on improving one, or commenting on whether one needs work or not. And I tend to find plotholes.

I'm not quite the quickest Beta Reader at times, but I do try to get my job done within the week for each chapter. I also will comment on anything that comes to mind upon reading the chapter, no matter what aspect. However that also mean I may harp on a bit, or over-analyse things.


Just so you know.
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Old December 21st, 2008 (10:32 PM).
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Legendarian Mistress Legendarian Mistress is offline
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Title of Story: Spliced… version 3 (That version will be revised once my beta looks over it…)
Fandom: Pokémon, naturally
Plot summary: Josephine’s brother threatens her livelihood in Kanto, so Professor Oak arranges for the fourteen year old red haired girl to travel to another region.
Genre: Adventure/OT
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG 13 (There’ll be words like ‘damn it’ and ‘bloody hell’ – but most of the obscenities will be uttered by Rowan, Josephine’s brother).
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive
Writing sample of story: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=157056
Other: (I’ve been writing Pokémon fics since late 2005. I know that my strength is grammatical/spelling. My weaknesses tend to outbalance my strength, with them being plot, character, pace sometimes…)
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Old December 22nd, 2008 (12:04 PM).
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Title of Story: Pokemon Coordinator Journeys

Fandom: Pokemon

Plot summary: I am writting this fic all because I wanted to be a pokemon coordinator all my life. I always wondered what it would be like to enter Pokemon contests, and earn ribbons. If the pokemon world was real, and was the world we live in, I'd be a Pokemon Coordinator. This fic starts in Kanto. Yes, if you watched Battle Frontier you'd know there are contests in Kanto. My character Kairi travals around with a pokemon trainer called Sora. Sora wants to be a pokemon master, and Kairi wants to be a Master Coordinator just like her mother. No, this isn't a crossover of Kingdom Hearts and Pokemon I'm just using those names for oc Pokemon characters. Also this is an all oc trainer/coordinator fic, as this is based off of the games not the show,but the coordinator matches are still like the show though.

Genre: Original Trainer/Original Coordinator

Rating (PG, R, etc): PG13

Type of mentor needed: Proff read, plot read, and even though, the top says people don't do this, grammer and spelling is what I need help with the most. Could someone at least try, please

Writing sample of story:

Kairi had just turned 10 that morning. She was so excited. Today was going to be the day when she got her first pokemon, from Professor Oak. She couldn't wait. Kairi made up her bed, put on her favorite outfit, brushed her teeth and went downstairs to eat breakfast,"Good morning mom."

"Good morning, Kairi dear," her mother said, looking up at her. Kairi sit down to eat a bowl of Cereal. "Kairi, I got you something at the Mart today for your journey," her mother told her as she watched her eat.

"Really? What is it?" Kairi asked getting very excited.

"It's a Pokegear. It has everything in it that you'll need on your journey. It has maps, of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Shinnoh. Plus it also displays the time for you, and it has a telephone as well. The best part is it, stores all your items and money in it." Her mother repiled.

"Gee, thanks Mom." Kairi said, taking the pokegear, and straping it onto her arm. "This'll be a big help."

"You better get going to Pallet Town or you'll be late getting your first pokemon," her mother reminded her.

"Ok, bye mom." Kairi said. She Kissed her mother on the cheek and went outback to get her bicycle and ride to the harbor to take a ship to Kanto.

Kairi pays for her ticket and gets on board the ship. She parked her bike in her room, and stood on the ship looking out over the water,'I can hardly wait till I get to Kanto.' She thought, grinning.

As soon as she made it to the harbor, she rode her bicycle into Pallet Town. She walked up to the professor's door and knocked. He answered it,"Hi. I'm here for my first Pokemon." The Professor stared at her,"Ah, you must be Kairi. Come in, come in."

The Professor led Kairi into the lab. He showed her all the starter choices. It was a hard choice but Kairi decided to go with the Pichu. She decided to let Pichu walk outside its ball with her, well ride in her bike basket anyway. The professor, gave her six pokeballs, and a pokedex, and sent her on her way.

Kairi put Pichu in the bike basket, and checked her map,"Ok, Viridian City's that way." She got on her bike and peddled down Route 1. This is just the beginning her adventures with Pichu. Kairi hopes to make great friends and pokemon, and become a top coordinator like her mother. That all lies in the future for now.

Other: Oh, this is a OC/OC pairing story.
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  #46    
Old December 22nd, 2008 (09:51 PM). Edited December 22nd, 2008 by bobandbill.
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Added you two (more clients!). Hmm, maybe soon we'll have to advertise for more Beta Readers.

Also, Konekodemon; your writing sample is in link form in the first post to your post (again the forums believe that with it I exceeded the character limit >_<). EDIT: Nevermind; just overcame it. And also, there IS a type of Beta reader for Grammar/Spelling - the Grammar Beta Reader.
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Old December 23rd, 2008 (01:25 AM).
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oh, there is, the rules said that that a beta's job isn't to check spelling and grammer, oh well, anyway I'll wait as long as I need to for my beta reader, cause it's worth it
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Old December 23rd, 2008 (08:46 AM).
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Quote:
- It is advisable to read over your work BEFORE you hand it over to the beta reader. Beta readers aren't a spell and grammar check, but real people (gasp!), so keep that in mind.
That is what Konekodemon is referring to. And by that, bobandbill meant that they aren't gonna correct a completely misspelled story, as it would be a waste. But they are going to read through it, find small grammar mistakes, some spelling on big words and things like that.
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Old December 23rd, 2008 (10:06 AM).
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I got someone that says they'll do it for me
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Old December 23rd, 2008 (04:03 PM).
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Ah, fair enough then. In that case, Losst is correct - Betas will pick up on any grammar/spelling related mistakes and all - but it's hardly fair on them if you send something which clearly hasn't had much effort put into making it readable, or something in which the majority of mistakes can be fixed with a simple Spell/Grammar check. Simply a common courtesy, and Beta Readers aren't an alternative to a spell check.

Anyway, thanks for telling me you got someone now. *goes to update*
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