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To save me the stress of worrying about spywares entering my computer and eating my Word documents, I'm posting my fic saftely and immediately.
Critiscism- I shall gladly accept no matter how cruel and unfriendly it sounds.
NOTE: I AM NOT A DISCLAIMER!!
By: Ayouki Emerald
Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down, no matter what impasse they collide with just to save someone else.
An illustrious emerald, dragon Pokémon gradually appeared out of the dreary and faded atmosphere of the planet. It seemed to be squirming toward the shady and mysterious periphery; higher still, only a whiff of air remains. The Pokémon abruptly stopped above the lingering clouds blanketing the humongous, blue and green sphere, hovering momentarily as it did. Outlandish, golden patterns embedded in its reptile-like membrane suddenly glowed resplendently-displaying a quite vivid illumination. Opening its mouth wide, an intense, orange ball of energy formed inside the cavities of its orifice. It swiftly launched a powerful beam emanating with devastating power, intentions not to annihilate, but to defend. A forceful ray raced toward its target like a brilliant, searing arrow. Unknown to the Pokémon, the projectile was traveling at more than two hundred miles per hour and it was the size of an undersized moon; seeming to have an extensive appendage of dust and ice with a flaring blue head that gives the impression to cross the velvety night sky-size as caustic and vicious. Having no precursor of terror or fear portrayed on its face, the Pokémon, without a second thought attacked to protect its home. The potent and destructive beam the emerald-colored Pokémon discharged collided with the indefinite object and it looked as if nothing happened; nothing at all. Only a minute and brief flash of light appearing to where the beam had struck. The huge entity still continued to head toward its destined path. A strident and deafening roar escaped out of the dragon-like Pokémon. As the great projectile came in nearer and quicker, it seemed to fume with an indigo-colored aura.
The Pokémon launched more beams from its mouth, desperately furious to slow the incoming threat down, relentless bombardment. But, to no utter avail, efforts-tossed and shattered. It was too massive and coming in too quickly…
Another Pokémon unexpectedly flew into the scene as the other was blasting the object dreadfully. It had a humanoid-like structure. Grayish stripes intervening from the sides of its long, slender tentacles and to the rest of its lean body; the rear of its cranium had an elongated shape with orange and bluish-green streaks; a weird crystalline organ was centered in its chest, glowing faintly. The Pokémon looked at its dragon-like companion besides it; seeming to gently bob its head. The emerald Pokémon glanced back at its cohort, its small yellow pupils sparked-an indication of immediate awareness.
Both of them then turned their attention to the mysterious threat that was approaching their home, sentient of jeopardy. Like previously, the dragon-like Pokémon opened its mouth, generating a beam like before, self-assured of its capability. The humanoid-like Pokémon on the other hand, centered its digit-less appendages in front of its chest. A huge and intense energy ball was appearing, growing exponentially. At the same time, the two launched their attacks at the perilous object, obliteration seemingly impending. Both of the attacks strike the entity at an overwhelming impact, chaotic resonance followed after. The combined energy formed a huge smog cloud around the large, cobalt-colored projectile. Silence abounds momentarily. Suddenly, the thick miasma cleared; both of them stood still to witness if their efforts prevailed. Out of the murky dust and debris, the object appeared, apparently still whole. As if it had not been harmed in any way, shedding only inconsequential loss. It was closing the gap from itself and the two Pokémon, but now; they noticed it had slowed down slightly. Their attacks had triumph but it still wasn’t enough to impede it.
It was still a threat no matter how dawdling it traveled. But, swiftly, the humanoid Pokémon altered its shape, acclimatizing cautiously to deal with the situation. Soaring in front of the large moving object. The dragon-like Pokémon bellowed vociferously again; it opens its mouth, and this time, a light-blue luminosity formed within its jaws. It launched yet another beam; this time, the beam froze the obverse side of the object. It was now glistening due to the absolute frost, also as fragile as a glass. The humanoid-like Pokémon looked bulkier than before; its shoulders reached the zenith of its head and its human-like appendages fused. The orange and bluish green mass was now covering its body instead of the slender, grey one it once had. Pointing its arms forward, an invisible barrier formed before the object collided with the Pokémon. The clash emanated an intense, blinding illumination. Soon, a raucous explosion was heard even from depths below.
The two Pokémon plummeted towards the ground, unconscious due to the great outburst of energy, foremost ramparts failed.
The object split into four smaller sections; heading towards in different directions at incredible speed. The barrages of the two somehow made this possible. Scattered to dissimilar parts of the planet, the four separated pieces crashed violently onto three colossal land masses. As it did so, a large blue energy wave raced everywhere. Spreading like an unstoppable and an incurable disease…
Little did the inhabitants of this ill-fated planet know that once the inexplicable object crashed on the ground; their lives would be eternally changed and scar them ceaselessly. It was only a matter of time before everything would fall apart.
The year was 2015; the world that its inhabitants once knew was full of serenity, unanimity & peace. Until the sapphire meteors crashed on the planet; it corrupted everything once it fell on Earth excluding the Pokémon.
Pokemon Centers, Gyms, Contest Halls, and the Pokemon League served as facilities for competitions to be housed, aided and hld the witnessed battles in the past; but NOW the battles once cradled by sportsmanship and trust tainted into a battles for each individuals own lives. The humans acted bizarrely with in a few days. The Pokémon’s population started to dwindle mysteriously once it all happened-everything within a matter of months; all species of Pokémon were affected. And the most awful part was they didn’t know why. They would just simply vanish without a trace…
The suspicion was the humans along with the incidental crash of the meteor were responsible for the brisk diminution of their kind. Brunette, with a few others like himself, sought after to find a logical answer. An immeasurable world-wide predicament for both the beings existing...
They subsisted with the humans for a very long time; they prized and trained them to the finest of their aptitudes. Brunette too was once owned by a human. But since he saw the anomalous behavior of his superiors; he began doubting their trust once he witnessed their actions.
On the second night since the sapphire meteor fell, Brunette and his fellow Pokémon estranged their selves from their beloved trainers once they perceived this bizarre “alteration”. He trusted his trainer with his existence; but once he observed what she & her kind were doing to theirs, Brunette felt sick to the core, simply striped of dignity and reliance. A blur of time and the events passing them…
Brunette sensed her stirring peculiarly once she arrived that particular night, hesitant and bewildered whether to rely on his feelings or his instincts. The meteor’s arrival drove curiosity to her and her fathers mind like a significant clandestine being kept from them; so, they departed briefly to clench their inquisitiveness. They returned-coming back looking no less than the trainer he once loved and trusted; the small Pokémon felt something was terribly wrong.
Last edited by Ayouki Emerald; December 7th, 2008 at 02:38 AM.
Heart entered the warm, tepid room Brunette was resting in. She knelt by the supple cushion where he was napping peacefully-a prospect to which she believed accustomed to.
Heart caressed Brunette’s downy, russet-colored fur tenderly and whispered soft. “Don’t worry Brunette, I’ll come back. I’ll accompany father to the crash site; father said it contained treasures! Be a good boy while we’re gone!” Apparently, those were the final words he would ever hear from her in a long time-naïve of the approaching. Brunette awoke from his brief slumber and hopped benevolently into Heart’s lap. Licking her rose-colored cheeks blissfully with his damp tongue.
“Eee!” Brunette gave out an idyllic and cheerful bawl, the suitable mood depicted by the actions.
Heart giggled and embraced Brunette tight but also gently. The two suddenly sensed as though it was their last meeting together; paying no heed to the trivial sentiment, Brunette revisited his pillow and curled up tightly.
Heart opened the large stilted door then exited the cozy quarters. Opening his diminutive eyes to take a glimpse of what apparently is the final time he would ever see her, resistance and lunacy would soon flourish resplendently.
“I’m glad I have a trainer like Heart,” smiling in appreciation then he returned to his succinct siesta-minor thoughts of the upcoming.
An unknown departure from the two although a destined parting by their intuitions…
Heart and her father drove off to the crash site which was in the vicinity of the local swamp, a familiar Lilycove venue. Her father was an eminent astronomer and he couldn’t defy the temptation brought by interest. Respected and pursued for his exceptional findings, he anticipated the whole astronomical community would be there. Feeling as the inquisitiveness beckoned her to escort her father.
The grey clouds that had been weeping all day made sunset invisible, and the fluorescent and neon lights surrounding the location made the dimming of daylight unnoticeable. Soon, Heart and her father have already arrived at the site. A minority of people were already there; witnessing the hoisting of the body from its hollow that would soon reveal its true intentions. A great, metal gantry arrived near the perimeter of the area. It grasped the blue object tightly embedded in a grubby crater with its large metal claws. The depression was cavernous due to the violent brunt. Distended smoke still emanated from the aftermath.
The crane hoisted the entity onto an elongated metallic slab. A few Hariyama steadied the object onto the slab, securing it. Few people wearing sallow lab gowns and holding polished instruments came forth. Heart’s father was one of them, voluntarily chosen due to his well-known capacity. The object appears to be a weird boulder or rock of some sort. It still seethed a cerulean aura; the bright fluorescent and neon lights shown to reveal what was occurring. A group of people gazed in the background as the others were observing the foreign object. Heart too was curiously peeking at the occurrence, eagerness as authoritative and consuming.
“It’s nothing I’d ever seen before!” The person adjacent to Heart’s father exclaimed.
“I agree. It looks like the exterior of this meteorite is non-organic but the signs show that the innermost part is…” His colleague cut short while protruding the object with a blunt, silvery apparatus glistening in the artificial light.
“The innermost part is alive somehow,” Heart’s father continued as he sank a sharp device inside the rock-like body. Stating that, the cluster of people witnessing the initial observation exchanged bewildered glances at each other, perplexed by the piercing surveillance.
With a physically powerful bluster of a mallet, Heart’s father was able to perforate the aura-seething object with the pointed contrivance. A bright azure radiance suddenly blasted out from the small fissure he formed. Then, the luminosity intensified to an eerie dark-blue, stabbing the nearing dusk.
It speckled all throughout the crash site and shown fiercely to everything around it, piercing like a solar flare. Intensity of awing resilience.
The illumination deprived everyone of sight. A powerful glow escaped from the humid and grimy swamp to the heart of the city and the urban settlements, so severe that it seemed ethereal.
“Ah! Father! I can’t see a thing!” Heart cried out. She couldn’t perceive or hear a thing. Not even the deafening and shrill screams of her fellow kind who were at the same circumstances as her-alarmed and stunned to an isolated state.
In the midst of this sudden quandary, a pale and unfamiliar voice called out. Tingling, irresolute whether it was of resonance or the forgotten noise of memory.
“Ah? Father, is that you?” The sightless Heart asked.
“Father!?” She called out once more.
“Be my servant as of now…” The faint voice reverberated through her mind, an indication of neither clamor sourced from the surroundings nor the elapsed remembrance pieced by her experiences; it was totally different-as of a mystifying cause.
“Who… Who are you?” Heart fearfully asked. The fear of the unknown clenched her forcefully, so rigid she could barely breath. Her heart was contracting and beating tenfold; she could feel hot sweat running down like drizzle a pour.
“I command you to…” ordering and cut short.
Mustering up all lingering audacity, Heart was capable to inquire out to the indefinite tone “To… To do what?”
“To bring to me your darling Brunette! Hahaha!” The voice swiftly sounds malevolently evil as it exposed a mocking laughter. Then, abruptly the sightless radiance disappeared and Heart found herself in a barren, dark-blue milieu.
“No!” She yelled in inclusive defiance as the tone said so.
“Yes!” wickedly, the voice exclaimed.
Heart speedily turned around. An immense silhouette of a shadowy figure came into view. The protracted, slithery tentacle-like arms clutched her body. She thrashes about but it was no use, wasting her precious efforts. The grapple of the nightmarish creature was too strong.
“No! I will not do it!” Heart cried as she endeavors to liberate herself from the incarcerating tentacles, desperate, intense and irrepressible breathing.
All, but to no avail, she witnessed the gradual emergence of a large, shadowed mouth obverse of the dismal figure.
“Give me your beloved Pokémon!” ordering viciously yet again.
“Never! I will never give Brunette to you!” Heart cried in rebelliousness and perplexity despite her life-threatening predicament, “I shall never give him to you!”
“Well, then I shall force you! Hahaha!” The figure snickered once more, but this time, it was filled with more and more iniquity and malice. Heart was then consumed by the shadowy figure.
“Brunette!” She gave out one last sorrowful bellow before she was totally devoured, mislaid in her own mind, ensnared and restricted by forces at which liberty and self-control didn’t exist.
Last edited by Ayouki Emerald; December 7th, 2008 at 02:44 AM.
“Brunette!” The words flustered through Brunette’s mind as he was mislaid in realm of dreams. Temporarily distorted, he envisaged Heart gradually fading into pitch-black vapor. He tossed and turned uncomfortably in his supple cushion as he experienced the horrendous apparition.
“Heart, no…” Brunette cried softly. Then, the nightmare vanished into the empty desolate, void.
The beginning of the end is imminent…
Chaos shall rampage violently upon this doomed globe…
Treachery and tyrant manipulation shall manifest the souls of weak beings…
Certainty and trust shall be shattered and courage shall be diminished…
Corruption shall poison the fiery passion once filled within them; and greed shall fill the bare hearts of the now possessed…
Life shall be torn away from the resistors and nightmares shall haunt them in their sleep…
Insanity and mayhem will deride and disdain…
The loyal and passionate bonds which bind trainer to Pokémon are now severed…
No more hope…
The door creaked open; a mysterious silhouette stretched through the doorway. Limping toward its target. Brunette seemed to notice the irreverent aura and presence as it entered his room. Although, his diminutive, Pokémon heart enlightened him it was “her”; part of him suspects the figure bitterly while the other optimistically endeavored him to greet her. But, instinct came & overshadowed Brunette; his heart desires to feel absolute dread and suspicion. Clutched by wild and long-confined impulse. The small coffee-colored Pokémon woke up, russet-colored hair standing from its back. It did not feel right to snarl at the hands that cared for him so much.
Brunette gazed deeply into her cherry eyes. Seeing nothing but an oblivion of emptiness. Her rose-colored cheeks turned to pale-white. She was no longer his amorous trainer any longer.
Heart came closer, with hands wide open, attempting to incarcerate her Pokémon-an indistinct figure, her orange T-shirt flaunts to reveal her quick movements. Brunette barked even more. She scuttled toward him, still her arms ready to seize. Dodging Heart once she was an inch close.
With that act, Brunette’s minuscule Pokémon heart started to pound vigorously. His senses sharpened, eyes widened, ears stretched and turning. Brunette scurried out of the large room as rapidly as he could. Hurrying into the quarters of Heart’s father, seeking aid. But, like her daughter, he was as similar. The same bare gaze and intentions….
As Brunette saw his proprietors alter into ghastly, manipulated entities and wasted into nothing but empty shells of emotionless monsters, he scampered out of the mansion, not turning back. Brunette’s brown fur and cream-colored tail tip sprawling behind him, departing all those blissful and forever cherished memoirs in the past. Tears running down heavily from his tan eyes as the thought of his trainer and her relations amending into horrifying creatures he never knew. Eyesight distorted once the globules of tears formed in his eyes.
He was besieged to combat the unknown, thinking and judgment blocked by the trauma. The trepidation of it engulfed the Pokémon, it scoffed him alive. It wasn’t natural for Heart to do that to him. After all those cheerful times they spent together…
In the boulevard a few blocks away from the mansion, Brunette witnessed other Pokémon escaping the dreadful clutches of their trainers. The pallid moonlight shone to divulge the atrocious actions the humans were committing.
The Pokémon were attempting to dart their masters; confused and confounded to why they crave to confine and impound them in such a crude and spiteful manner.
All the trainers were alike. Those void eyes filled with wicked intent. All so sudden, unexpected-the dark side of ambition.
“What’s happening?” Brunette inquired a Delcatty who had just escaped like he did.
“I don’t know either, everything started to fall apart once the blue rock fell,” she explained, breathing heavily. Her white fur and mauve tresses curled around her head were noticeably muddled-signs of a horrible struggle.
The humans started to detain the frightened and feeble Pokémon who were shocked by this unforeseen pandemonium. Some of them had already escaped into the small woodlands and marshes nearby.
Brunette saw a small Tediursa at the end of the block, struggling to get out of the sack it was captivated in.
“Wha!!! Antonio, why are you doing this, stop it!” the Tediursa pleaded loudly.
“Please help me!”
The Tediursa called out once he noticed the auburn Pokémon nearby-seeking aid, perplexed.
Brunette rushed toward the human who was chastising his kind, leaking out the trauma once flourished.
“I’m coming Tediursa!” he yelled then darted toward him-no minute thoughts of the current.
A sudden surge of energy burst through his small limbs, air flurried and whirled on his fur.
However, when Brunette was a few inches away from his target, two humans opened another sack in front of him. He couldn’t stop or slow down. Brunette was going too fast…..
It was too late…
A streak of scarlet inferno rapidly incinerated the sacks the humans were grasping. Along with that, Brunette heard the flutter of mighty wings from above, dust swept-clouding the vision.
Brunette suddenly saw a large appendage shine with silver luminosity, striking the three humans and knocking them unconscious with effective force. Flicking them as if they were mere toothpicks…
The Tediursa was freed from its captivation. Relieved of its firm imprisonment.
Then, Brunette’s whole world blacked out, the impulsive disclosure tightened his heartbeat, his breathing clutched. Darkness leisurely shadowed everything. He caught a glimpse of the great silhouette of the individual that saved them. Then, everything mysteriously disappeared. Once lost again in the unconscious periphery.
Last edited by Ayouki Emerald; December 7th, 2008 at 02:49 AM.
“Uhh… Where am I?” Brunette asked. The small Pokémon moaned softly when he gradually opened his eyes to take a look around, unaware of his sense and clarity of time and location.
Brunette discerned a Pokémon remarkably looking down at him. Having short, black fur, a red underbelly and snout, has short, pointed ears and tail, white bands on its ankles and back & has a skull on its forehead and ribs on its back.
“I see you have waken up, we’re in the sea, well surfing on it anyway,” the stranger replied as it stared at him.
“The sea?” Brunette asked again, confused and dazed with the answer.
“Yes, the sea.”
“What in the world are we doing in the sea!?” Brunette exclaimed, surprised and alarmed.
As the little, coffee-colored Pokémon request, the other Pokémon turned its head around them, pointing. Brunette perceived they were being conveyed on the backside of Lapras. Other Pokémon were riding on their backs as well. Lapras, Wailord, Gyarados, Swampert, Tentacruel & Whiscash were also transporting & carrying other Pokémon on their backs also. Most of the passengers were very young and little, refugees which fortuitously survived. The illuminating lights of Chinchou and Lantern bathed the nearing dawn with a faint light.
“We are going somewhere safer since our homes are now considered dangerous,” the black-colored Pokémon stated once Brunette glanced back at him.
“Do you mean the humans?”
The Pokémon nodded.
“How did I get here?” Brunette inquired yet again.
The Pokémon pointed up to answer, believing that Brunette wouldn’t comprehend a mere avowal.
Brunette glimpsed upon the bodies of airborne Pokémon, drifting in the icy, gentle sea breeze. Some, transporting Pokémon on their backs. The ones which the sea Pokémon could not carry to any further extent.
“He’s the one right there who brought you here,” he replied, Brunette looked in the direction pointed, tremendously immersed.
In that way Brunette saw him, an authoritative and intimidating appearance. A sight at which there was trust and leadership. Orange all around except for its cream-colored belly and the dark-green inward part of its wings which were wide spread. Winds under its great body, hovering with both grace and power. A fierce combustion raged from the tip of his tail, flickering in the wind like a candle.
It was a Charizard; the particular one that rescued Brunette & the Tediursa, now floating in the drifted wind.
“His name’s Dragun. Like all of us here, his trainer tried to capture him,” the Pokémon explained, “He gathered most of us to safety. Dragun has friends in the other regions that can help us, although other blue sky rocks fell there too, the Pokémon in the other foreign regions might as well have the same situation as us. ”
“Oh, I see. Well, thanks anyway for clearing up the situation for me. By the way, who are you?” Brunette questioned.
“My name’s Dusk, you?”
“So, what did your trainer do to you that made you black out like that?” Dusk asked in curiosity, “when Dragun brought to here you’re light’s were completely knocked out.”
“Well, my trainer didn’t... actually…” unable to form completely coherent sentences, Brunette shut his lip. The words left his lips swiftly like startled and frightened birds.
He stutters while the reflection of the confrontation flashed rapidly through his head. Brunette reminisced the horrible incident he fought against Heart. She was chasing him with irreverent, uncontrollable intent. Those annulled, impassive eyes aiming at him dead-center. Tears were starting to surface in his tan-colored eyes again as the nightmarish reverie emerged.
“Bare, unconscious control isn’t it?” Dusk asked concernedly-seeming to be informed of the similarity.
Brunette nodded in conformity. But the horrible thought impaled in his mental state. Knowing of the irrevocable and pending risks to come.
“We are almost there!” Dragun reminded loudly as he soared ahead of the flying and surfing Pokémon, speed at which everyone of them conformed.
Brunette gazed at the sun coating the dawn sky with magnificently bright colors painted upon a moist canvas. The sea seems to absorb the incoming sunlight that was pouring through, spilling over so abundantly it was almost the sun sank in the water. Warming the frigid sea waters at which the group was located. This marvelous spectacle kept Brunette’s tears at hold.
Thick mist came hastening out of the striking horizon. Soon, it enclosed the dawn luminosity. It reached throughout the heavens, distorting and blurring an area at which it bordered. As they came closer, they heard the vociferous roar of powerful torrents-whirlpools. These massive monsters can engulf medium-sized, unwary Pokémon that were navigating through. Fortunately for them, Dragun took the lead, revealing to them the safer routes around these humongous behemoths that would overwhelm the surfing Pokémon at any instant; if they took an erroneous turn.
“Are you dears doing alright?” the Lapras asked, sensing the disturbance caused.
“We are,” both Dusk and Brunette responded in unison.
There was no qualm that the journey was very tremulous, but they managed alright with the cautious navigation and coordination of Lapras.
As the fog thickened & the ear-blasting sound of the whirlpools lessened, they saw an island, sheltered around in hazy obscurity and thick vegetation. It even blocked most of the life-giving sunlight that was penetrating through.
An islet delimited by thick mist and swarming with whirlpools all around the diameter-The Mirage Island. It was extremely infrequent for one to spot this island, even more unfeasible to go to because of the perfidious and life-threatening whirlpools around it.
Last edited by Ayouki Emerald; December 7th, 2008 at 02:50 AM.
The rest will be posted very soon. As long as my com will not crash that is...
First, might I start off by saying that your writing style and the idea don't seem all that bad, but you could thicken this up quite a bit more than what you've currently got, Ayouki. Honestly, it seems like all the chapters are the same length as the prologue, the equivalent a few pages on Word, give or take some paragraphs.
As far as general description goes, it seems somewhat thorough, but could be just a little more artsy. It's kind of basic compared to what some authors tend to do.
Other than those few things, though, the story's fairly good. I'll be checking back to see how this turns out.
Chapter 4-Mysteries in the Mirage
They docked on the sandy beaches of this seemingly deserted isle. Their feet sank in the smooth sand. Relief of touching the minute particles was clearly portrayed on their faces. Although the grief pursued them despite the fleeting sentiment.
“Through here everybody!” Dragun led, glancing briefly into the thick miasma, suspicion blistered all through out.
Dragun directed them to the deep, vegetative vicinity which griped the coast. Large, soaring trees sheltered the canopy above, dimming even more the forest floor below. It appears bleak for life to subsist such as small shrubbery below the great trees. Light can’t even permeate the solid darkness. Dragun’s bright appendage combustion cleared the way for them, despite the pitch-black obscurity. Brunette stood close to Dusk as they ambled toward the lighted path, secluded by each others encouraging presence.
Soon after, Dragun exposed to them a huge, humid cavern within the forested area. It had become even darker than before, soon, they saw nothing. Although, his extremity glowed with intensity, illuminating the passageway to the cave. Piercing the perpetually thick shadows.
As they entered the interior, Brunette noticed torches positioned adjacent each side. Dismal as it was, the cavern was well lit beyond the entrance. They saw other Pokémon huddled together & resting beyond the farther reaches of the place. Brunette observed a minority lying down, injured. Blissey, Chansey & Miltank alleviated the rest. The Pokémon who were there ogled at the new-comers. Brunette gazed upon numerous Pokémon looking vexed & bothered; some even had hope drained out of them. Hearts frenzied in depression. All of them were alike, everything, stolen from them in a single night, a thief annihilating their once suitable and contented lives. Brunette too, felt and suffered the identical affliction after his own trainer, the one that trained and treasured him to the fullest, betrayed and attempted to detain him.
It appears that the Mirage Island was one of the few “refuges” for the convalescing Pokémon. The precise underlying principle to why Dragun, brought them here.
Dragun situated himself on a high, horizontal stalagmite on which every one of them in the cave can witness. He stood elevated & demanded every one of them to disburse attention on what he was going to state.
“As you all have noticed, the humans have gone berserk & are currently trying to capture us. Yet, we still have limited information on what is happening, the likely cause maybe the blue sky rocks,” he explained, glancing around the room.
“What do you propose to do then?” A Pokémon at the reverse side of the room raised its question out loudly.
“We fight!” A perplexing voice penetrated Brunette’s head. He looked around. It seems the other Pokémon also experienced and heard the anomalous.
“Ah, you’re here,” Dragun called out, a seemingly comforted grin widened.
The group of Pokémon turned their heads as Dragun said that, attempting to distinguish who launched that telepathic message, as of not from the dark corners of the cave.
“The blue meteor is the probable cause of all these. As it entered our planet, it broke up into four smaller pieces. It fell in your homeland, Hoenn, and all the other regions. My contemporaries, Rayquaza & Deoxys weren’t able to stop it once it entered the atmosphere,” a creature with a humanoid posture revealed itself out of the gloomy darkness, dispatching this message psychically to them yet again as it did before. It was grayish-purple with a mauve underside and a lengthy, lilac extremity. It has three digits on each limb. It has lavender eyes and two short ears. It had a tube extending from the back of its skull to its spine.
The cavern abruptly overflowed with roaring murmurs, echoed and conveyed due to the dome like structure.
“It’s Mewtwo!” pointed a Pokémon, as if it had seen him before with the tone in its voice.
Brunette gazed curiously at the individual that each one addressed as Mewtwo.
Mewtwo appeared as though he was at the uppermost rank, standing tall and unyielding in the midst of dozens of terrified and confounded refugees; consoling them somehow with the look he gave them-order, authority and power.
“Settle down!” Dragun ordered loudly.
Dragun’s thunderous, hoarse tone was augmented even more by the cave. It ricocheted all through out. Soon, all of them, including Brunette stopped buzzing, startled by the demand of stillness.
“So, what was the information that they collected?”
Mewtwo began to gape at Dragun. It was conveying telepathic thoughts to him, but not to the Pokémon that were cluttered up in a crowd. Picking up Dragun’s face being scrawled up in somehow, a horrendous revelation.
“What is he saying to Dragun?” Brunette turned to inquire at Dusk.
“How should I know, he is only sending the message to him,” Dusk answered and shrugged his shoulders, moreover interested.
As Brunette turned, Mewtwo was the one who was standing on the stalagmite instead of Dragun this time.
“My colleagues have retrieved information from the other regions. The same situation-the humans are trying to imprison us,” Mewtwo explicated as he sent these buzzing psychic energy messages to their heads.
“Are we the only one’s who survived?”
“There are still other survivors in Hoenn. I and Dragun have dispatched a special group of Pokémon to rescue them, although, we haven’t got any contact from the Kanto & Johto regions. There are other shelters in Hoenn for them to stay in. Kyogre is currently trying to ward off the mysterious forces of the humans in The Cave Of Origin-one of the refuges. For some strange reason, our powers have weakened since the rocks crashed; all legendary Pokemon have noticed a rapid decrease in power. But do not be bothered, all we need to do is strengthen our forces with other regions to bring up a rebellion strong enough against whatever controlled the humans to do these cruel acts,” Mewtwo encouraged as he turned to them, clenching fists tightly; heartening the Pokémon, endeavoring them,” whatever feuds you have in the past, forget about it. Our species is at stake; we mustn’t trust the humans anymore!”
The cave began to flood with chattering over again. Questions started to boggle Brunette’s intellect even more; glancing at Dusk. He seemed to be riddled in confusion as well.
Upon the boisterous clamor of the cave, Brunette turned to the obverse. He saw Mewtwo dismissed and Dragun was once more standing. Denying further query.
He shouted. “Please rest and build up your energy for tomorrow,” then Dragun totally left the elevated clearing, looking worriedly once more upon the refugees.
“I don’t understand,” Brunette whispered to himself, “why?”
Subsequent to the odd session, Brunette settled down to take a short respite and attempt to comprehend all the information gradually into his head. It was convoluted for him to locate a decent, spacious spot because the dim and nippy cavern was filled with other convalescing Pokémon. They were all despondent, unable to speak up due to the present quandary.
The cave was huge. The limestone ceiling was impaled by great stalactites and was twelve feet high, the area was elongated, adequate to capacitate a lot of refugees. Brunette saw most of them ready to doze off. Inside the cavern, it was difficult to distinguish whether it was daybreak or nighttime due to the solid darkness that was diminished by only a few ephemeral torches. Brunette was nearing the posterior of the space when he saw Dusk contentedly curled up.
“May I join you?”
Dusk looked up and said “Sure! I’ll be glad to,” he agreed with a weary smile. Moving aside, sympathetic enough to give Brunette some space to respite.
Brunette stretched his exhausted russet appendages as he was prepared to take a short snooze, knowing no more of the data spoken out. Going to doze off, a minuscule, blue Pokémon reached out with its hand-like ears and kindly offered him a fruit.
“Would you like some stranger?” It inquired as it handed him the red and white berry. It’s smile-optimistically comforting, dissimilar from the others.
“Um… Thank you!” Brunette accepted in gratitude.
“It’s very good! It peps you up because of the taste,” it explained. “Come on, try it!”
It seemed discourteous not to accept a thoughtful endowment from such an endearing Pokémon; so, Brunette gratefully accepted.
He felt a tingling stir forming in his orifice. The auburn Pokémon’s eyes started to water; his tan-colored visage was gradually turning to crimson. Brunette’s mouth and throat began feeling a blazing sensation. He had a sudden and severe urge to drink. Desperate to calm the whisk of chaos on his tongue.
Brunette saw the blue Pokémon and Dusk cackle behind his watery eyes. “That’s a Liechi berry Brunette! It’s sourness, sweetness and of course its spiciness alters the taste to different Pokémon. Spices are what got you!” laughed Dusk.
“I told you it would pep you up!” chortled loudly by the Pokémon. It saw Brunette redden in fury; it bowed politely then scampered toward the other Pokémon.
“Come back here!” Brunette said crossly, glaring with lightning ablaze in storm-brown eyes.
“Ignore the Wynaut Brunette, it was just concerned, that’s all,” Dusk said then crossed his front paws, yawning.
As Brunette turned to look at Dusk, the sensation in his mouth gradually faded. Altogether with the lurking agony experienced by all.
The day was brimming with credulous, hideous disclosures at which most of them couldn’t handle any longer. Brunette’s eyelids were extremely heavy and his scrutiny of the cave faded within dimness. Before Brunette knew it, he was once more strayed in the dominion of imaginings. Assuming slumber was the only promising and transitory means of escaping the severe grief and anguish.
I saw Heart declining into the dark blur of shaded cobalt.
She was calling out with a passionate plea & reaching her hand out to me.
“Brunette, help me! Please!”
I struggled to get closer to her but she seemed miles away from where I was standing.
She was gradually fading…
I cried out to her.
Then I heard her voice speak out.
“No matter what Brunette, don’t give up on me. Don’t lose hope. No matter what, I will always be your trainer, deep inside, you know that right?”
After that, her body vanished into the blue abyss and beyond.
I cried out.
She was no longer there…
I was pulled apart from the loving bonds of my trainer…
“Come on, wake up!” Brunette heard a tone crying out to him, awakening him into the secure reality. Powerless to return and strained by outer forces-particularly the individuals doing so.
He gradually opened his eyes and looked up to who it was, still half-dreary. Eyes of which was still weighty.
He saw Dusk and a Blissey looking down at him, fret and worry broadened on their faces.
“Wha... What’s wrong?” Brunette asked, bemused and weary.
“You were shouting and thrashing about,” replied Dusk.
“Are you alright dear?” asked the Blissey.
“Yes. Yes I am; it was just a bad dream, that’s all.”
“Thank goodness,” sighed Dusk with a bit of amnesty and relief.
Brunette chafed his eyes gently and licked his brown fur as he woke up. Disregarding the eerie haunting between reality and the periphery.
Still, he couldn’t tell if it was morning or night.
“Come on, lets go,” Dusk endeavored with a bob of his bony eyebrows.
“Where?” Brunette asked.
“To get some fresh air of course! Since you had a bad dream, you need to breathe air for once. The atmosphere here is so stuffy,” Dusk believed, smiling with concern.
Dusk scampered out the cavern room and into the other quarters.
“Hmm... Maybe he’s right,”
Brunette lifted his body, stretched his limbs then pursued Dusk.
Even though there wasn’t much daylight bathing the isle, Brunette could see infinitesimal traces of luminosity beyond the cave’s entrance. Afar from the cavern and the thick woods, light was there. Waiting for him…
Brunette sauntered toward the light source, chary not to fumble upon the wide roots of the large trees obscured into the soft soil. Finally, he got out of the perpetual darkness. Brunette’s eyes tingled and stung because of the slightly clear light. A few hours in the gloom was sufficient time for his eyes to become accustomed to.
Brunette could feel the sand was sultry underneath his feet-an indication of precipitation.
“So that’s why Dragun led us to that cave, he knew it would rain.”
He searches for the elusive Dusk, as surprise to his sudden absence.
Brunette dashed toward the rock-strewn region of the shoreline. Still, he couldn’t perceive a thing outside the islet because of the thick vapor. It was a sightless curvature; he heard soft murmuring by the rocks. Brunette peered into the jagged rock formations. He spotted an orange, dragon-like Pokémon discussing to a large, cunning-looking bird with two prominent tail feathers. It also has a largely white underbelly with a red top section and a geometric pattern on it. It was almost totally dark blue.
“It’s Dragun! But who is that?” Brunette questioned softly to himself.
“Tell squadron five to wait for back-up. If they already found the refugees, ensure that they meet Latios; Alto Mare is their best refuge at the moment; and be careful on your way to Hoenn, got it?” Dragun ordered, infinitesimal fret flashed briefly.
“Yes!” the Pokémon answered firmly, then, it unfastens its lengthy wings and soared beyond the thick smudged yonder. A thick cloud of sand muddled the area briefly as it left.
“I don’t know how we’ll get through these…” Dragun said then bowed his head in complete uncertainty. Afraid of every upcoming and dictating events as they pass.
“We can,” responded Brunette confidently, out of the serrated rocks.
Dragun turned to who had reacted, astonished and gave stifled.
“I believe we still have hope of reclaiming our trainers; I believe there is still hope; I believe we will get through these,” Brunette retorted with eyes of fiery assurance, “And… Th… Thank you for rescuing me…”
“Ah, it’s you. I saw you lying on the ground beside the Tediursa,” Dragun noticed and tone interest, “Tell me what or who made you unconscious?”
“I was trying to rescue the Tediursa that was struggling to free itself from its trainer. As I was struggling to do so with mine; she was so… I don’t know why she… She was my….” Brunette stammered while melancholy besieged him.
Dragun gawped at Brunette with thoughts of high expectations and concern. He smiled. “Tell me, do you really want to do everything to save your trainer, no matter what?” he asked.
Brunette chafed his tears off his russet-colored fur. The delusion suddenly lingered through his mind. “No matter what Brunette, don’t give up on me. Don’t lose hope. No matter what, I will always be your trainer, deep inside, you know that right?” The words of Heart flickered and grasped his thinking. Every trace of seclusion, sadness and sense of despondency vanished immediately in him. He was indomitable to get her back. No matter what.
“Yes; I will do everything to save my trainer. No matter what!” Brunette exclaimed, the teary-eyes that were once there faded.
“Then it’s settled then. You are now an honorary scout,” Dragun assured him with a smile and gentle bob. Potential depicted throughout.
A resilient conformity was formed that day; with pure intentions of fortitude and determination. With the bonds that ties trainer to Pokémon, trust must be instilled among them.
I edited the first three chapters, although, I do not know what you mean by:
Cities, towns, forests and urban settlements were set ablaze and brought down violently in every region due to the anomalous struggle between Pokémon and the humans. Both sides suffered momentous loss. All suspected refuges were burned and destroyed. A vast area of ashes, reborn-upon the smoldered ruins raised four colossal towers which reached the heavens and tinted the sky a dark blue hue. All these within the rise and fall of the five ashen full moons.
Sieges and rebellions were brought about to end the struggle. The target-the four towers. Pokémon would charge head on, naïve, credulous and unwary of the menacing ambushes that lie in wait for them. They would fall right into the trap, surprised, vulnerable and susceptible. Caged, sacked or whatever variety of vindictive incarceration the humans would use. After the capture, they would haul them brutally to the tower, never exiting the structure ever again…
By the third rise of the moon, daily life was made even more difficult for the Pokémon. Indispensable resources such as food, water and that entire sort slowly diminished and were mostly abundant in “human territory.” The worse part was, the humans had gained knowledge of generating a new type of bludgeon. An intimidating firearm that shot a dark-blue beam. Anything that would somehow get stricken by this would be absolutely paralyzed; numbing its victim-retaining its pain. The fabled Legendaries were taken down by this mere beam, only it was more concentrated and more superior; accumulating to there growing flaws. Making their work easier as the numbers slowly dwindled to nil…
After the ideas of rebellions faded, they sent spies to retrieve significant information-assisting them in the elucidation of the inexplicable dilemma. Ghost types such as Gengar, Misdreavus and Banette were pertinent. Stealthier than the rest, they were ideal for such assignments. But, espionage tactics wasn’t a predicament for the humans. They had the one thing that started the whole chaotic quandary-the meteor, truly an advantage. Gengar, with its usually sinister grin was one of the emissaries who would be an “exemplar” for those who would attempt to do so again. Its ghost-like characteristics managed to convey it to the peak of the soaring tower. Avoiding the detection of the humans, it arrived at what seemed like a chamber with a moon roof that opened up to the skies, structure designed not to let anything out. Concealing itself in the shadows, it watched and waited. Two humans entered while holding a sturdy steel confinement. The first one unfastened the locks and a paralyzed body of a Persian rolled out. It was still alive, signs of brief inhaling and exhaling. The other pressed a button on the control panel arched in close proximity to a large metal sphere that was hovering above the large room. The sphere was conveyed downward to the iron floor, the obverse opened and a blinding cerulean brilliance shone. The two humans exited swiftly and left the Persian lying. Gengar stood still and witnessed. The unsighted glow bathed the Persian. Abruptly a horrendous, ghastly, strident howl was heard. It was of the Persian’s. Pain filled and vociferous, the sound rang throughout the chamber, frightening and disgusting even the darkest of hearts; the sight was so horrifying and abhorrent that it blended faultlessly with the tortured cry. The Persian’s unmoving body slowly faded and vanished into the deepest, darkest oblivion-like smoke a blew by the wind. By the time the Gengar arrived, its grin disappeared. Replaced with a sulk of despondence and repugnance. Its eyes had widened and pupil shrunk. Unable to explain to its fellow Pokemon what it witnessed that night. At the crack of dawn, madness and insanity skewered its state of mind and would drive the Gengar to the tower once more, never returning. Nobody could impede it from acting at an erotic behavior. Devoured completely, an indirect slaughter so gruesome…
The fourth rise of the moon was the most hideous among the rest. Enduring survivors had to deal what their fellow Gengar faced-horrific nightmares. Even sleeping was life-threatening. As soon as they had drifted into deep slumber, the probabilities are of them returning unharmed are dreadfully minute. At any instant, it would seize them, ruthlessly controlled and manipulated. Driving them for an absolute surrender. As it gained strength, the nightmares intensified. Weakening the resistance, the humans effortlessly captured the feeble, frail and ponderous Pokemon. It was only a matter of time before nature itself would subside.
“Where in the world are they?” a familiar voice crackled the quiet woods, “Can’t they knock out two humans without paralyzing themselves?”
The pallid moon shone through the half-cleared woods, blanketing the wooded area, west of the ruined, uninhabited Azalea Town.
The deafening silence engulfed the whole forest. No resonance, whatsoever. No infringement of twigs and the sound of falling leaves left no clamor, nothing. Not even the timbre of the sharp-eyed Swellow sentinels high above the canopy whose eyes let none escape.
A tan-colored Pokémon dashed through the vegetative area, beleaguered to locate his scout party. Too much time has been wasted; it had to be completed before dawn. They had to give all their scouting information regarding the vicinity to their crew leader, Dragun. A vital, human tower was said to be nestled in close proximity. Therefore, a lot of humans along together with the precious resources had to be swarming around there, waiting in ambush. But eccentrically, none were spotted.
The great trees rose above the earth; their huge branches reached toward the dark, starless sky. The clear pale moon was the only source of reliable light.
Brunette stealthily loomed the further areas nearby; vigilant not to fall into the ambush of the unseen humans.
So much has changed since the navy-colored meteors fell. His position as a scout facilitated him to become hardier. His feelings weren’t clouding his judgment anymore. He could think clearer this time; work more efficiently. The gloom once there disappeared.
But, the imaginings persisted. Every night, horrifying nightmares haunted him, fatigued by the sporadic scenes-a bit weedy from last night’s tribulation.
It softened him, frightened him…
A figure appeared.
I couldn’t see it. It was shadowy. The dark-blue oblivion background added to the blurriness and fluffiness.
It wasn’t clear.
I felt fear clutching me tightly, my chest collapsing.
The figure came closer as it did.
Heart suddenly appeared in front of the figure.
Shadowy, slender appendages wrapped Heart around her body.
“Brunette, help!” Heart shouted.
It was like the others, only worse, much, much worse.
The figure griped her then pulled her toward its body.
She was progressively vanishing into the figure’s body.
I couldn’t do anything; I couldn’t move, my body was numb; I couldn’t shout; my voice abandoned me. I couldn’t do anything.
After that, the figure gave me an evil, vague grin, “Give up, resistance is futile, there is no more hope. Your trainer is now mine! Hahahah!”
“Ah!” Brunette shook his head as the thoughts reverberated again; continuously feeding on his mentality-parasitism at its finest, “I need to concentrate!”
He sensed a pale presence beyond the further trees and deep and thick undergrowth that encompassed a clearing, lingering in persistence due to its insipid and weak flare.
One way or another, it felt very familiar. Brunette believed as if he met it before.
His senses honed, Brunette hurried toward the clearing. Quietly, he hid himself behind large fern plants that were vaulted across the radius.
Doubt or optimism-he felt either way. Brunette circumspectly peeked among the safety of the lime foliage, chary not to stir attention to himself.
It was human.
Although, something didn’t feel right about this particular one. Out of all the humans Brunette encountered during the regime of the resistance, this one felt extremely dissimilar.
Sure, it possessed the dreaded firearm and defensive chain mail but Brunette sensed as though it was soft somehow.
Perambulating the clearing, the human paced back and forth briefly glancing side to side, waiting for the chance to present itself-particularly Brunette’s attack.
Digging his foot deep into the soft earth, Brunette was ready to attack. Paying no regard to the inconsequential reaction, he pounced.
“Vee!” Brunette roared as he leaped toward the human-a frantic battle cry.
It turned around as the shrill and unanticipated yelp of intended intimidation wedged its attention.
Darting left the attempted assault of the slightly drowsy Pokemon, the human charged the firearm, ready to inflict as soon as primed. Blue particles gathered around the air forming a white nimbus in close proximity to the shell. It was a lethargic procedure but still insanely effective-taking down anything that touched it.
Brunette’s body felt utterly numbed as he turned to face the human. His body, powerless to execute the actions his brain would array. Sweat continuously pouring down. Every vital heartbeat-he heard, every significant breath he was taking-loudly perceived. He could distinguish the human still charging the beam-but everything appeared so dawdling, as if time allowed his final minutes…
It was fear.
Unmistakable fear, more prevailing than the beam itself. Paralyzing the incapacitated Pokemon unreservedly, too frail even to flitch his ear. Although Brunette couldn’t comprehend why. His body controlled itself-a mind of its own, but not why for the better? Why did it abruptly freeze? Why couldn’t it move, nudge, budge? Why!?!
The finger slipping leisurely towards the nerve-racking trigger; aiming charily at its target to ensure its successful hit-Brunette. With eyes of a sadist, the human aimed-picturing the target to be pursued by pain and torture. The pale, pasty moon shone at the inactive and frozen Pokemon intensely.
Click! The sound of the trigger echoes.
Brunette swiftly shuts his eyes, bracing himself from the throbbing and paralyzing pain the ray would soon inflict-thoughts not of his own welfare, but of Heart’s, the pledge once oathed-breaking.
A glistening and blinding ashen radiance shone all throughout, but neither from the insipid heavenly body watching over the doomed globe nor from the threatening beam. The illumination was pure, escorted by blissful memories flashing rapidly in the sources’ eyes…
Seeing and hearing her for the first time made me pleased, contented. Even inside my protective shell, I could sense her loving warmth. When I saw light permeate my temporary home, I knew I would see her face.
She looked extremely cheerful once the lady with a mike handed her a cute ribbon. Looking down at me with the same portrayed impressions, she hugged me tightly. The crowed that overlooked us, cheered loudly as we exited the Contest Hall. Whispering, “You’re the best.”
When I felt my body burning, Heart looked down at me, heartrending and fretful. She lifted me from the Pokemon Center’s stretcher and lulled me to sleep. Pulling up the sheets, she stayed besides me for the rest of the night, checking my temperature, changing the damp handkerchief on my forehead--never letting anything harm me…
We pressed our backs against the supple grass under the beautiful starlit sky. It was a weary day of training and she decided we should camp for the night. The stars glistened as I gazed above. “I don’t care to what Pokemon you evolve into, you’re just the way I like you to be!” She abruptly said while I turned to her, smiling.
The blissful memories…
She dashed toward me, still her arms ready to clutch. My owners distorted into abysmal, influenced creatures and shattered into nothing but drained shells of impassive fiends all but five months ago.
A streak of black pursuits swiftly through where the light once shone. Rings and bands of illuminated yellow illustrious exposed the brisk movements of the imprecise figure. A pair of crimson eyes followed the black smudge obverse.
The nightmares that followed sickened me. Every detail, skewered into precise scenes. Flashing so rapidly, it befuddled me. “Give up, resistance is futile, there is no more hope. Your trainer is now mine! Hahahah!”
Darting briskly towards the blinded human. It’s weapon-impeded, it’s defenses-temporarily lowered. The target was in range, the faultless window of opportunity. Vehemence, rage and vengeance convoyed and amplified the attack. Brought by memories of repulsion, regret and failure-he had fallen into the ensnarement…
By a fraction of a second, he realized. The thought shot in him like an irreversible bullet. But it was all too belated. His attack was impossible to prevent. Blinded by retribution and wrath, it was all too late…
The augmented attack propelled him toward the unintended target rapidly; its acceleration would equal to devastating consequences.
“No matter what Brunette, don’t give up on me. Don’t lose hope. No matter what, I will always be your trainer, deep inside, you know that right?”
Strewn within diffused wreckage, the clash tossed the two bodies aside. The black streak seemed to take negligible trouncing of the impulse while the other was thrust brutally, an expanse to which was impeded by a tree.
The glistening helmet flies off, enlightening the cause of hindered relentless bombardment toward the two-legged creature.
It lay there, unmoving. The cadaver of the marauder, lifeless as it appears in the crimson eyes of the black streak-Brunette. Terror-filled and extremely desperate, he stood completely still-gazing into the motionless body that was once filled with existence. Recognizing the distinctiveness of his adversary, his black pupils shrunk; his four black extremities wobbled and shake; his sweat forming around him like a puddle; his heart-torn into a million imprecise portions. Brunette’s mouth gradually opened-attempting to release the guilt in a form of thunderous and regretful resonance.
The despair ricochets loudly, shaking the leaves, carried by the icy wind…
Fumbling clumsily toward the deceased shell of which Brunette remorse’s, hastily turning with his tear-filled eyes, glancing for the anticipated and substantial signs of life-breathing. None so far, fear of the gaffe of his actions. Sudden panic surpasses the black Pokémon. Frantic to locate at least, the minutest precursor of life.
Besieged to raise the body out of the uneven clearing and into supple comfort brought by the foliage. A feeling of dampness below the Pokémon’s appendages. Folded in the dark red, soaked in the rough earth-blood.
Further dread and alarm; his eyes widening in sheer horror. Stooped and hesitant whether it was the sarcastic reality or it was the horrendously, wicked dominion of nightmares. Either seemed alike. The matching scene of unrelenting disgust; the identical outrageous positions and conditions which intervene flawlessly; the same pitiless adversary, common between the two beings.
The similar human to which his life had been given so much meaning to…
Placing the intolerably motionless body upon the sinuous leaves fallen from the great trees above, attempting-even at the risk of certain death-to awaken the body, to bring back life-even at the cause of returning it to its last state-a mindless and emotionless hunter...
Searching for the bruised or breached exit of life-an unintentional wound trickling and seeping the vital fluid which fills the veins and proliferates existence. Hurriedly seeking for it to be sealed, impeding death not to steal the remaining life at which, was in devastatingly diminutive amounts.
Removing the heavy chain-mail off of the human, eradicating the weight at which encumber the crucial respiration needed. The precious air entering the lungs, replenishing the essential fluid’s supply. Extracting the noxious air, replaced by the exact opposite-fresh, pure and critical.
Death apparently purged by the precautious and life-saving procedures taken, still no progress, no indication of breathing, no sign of movement, no precursor of the function of the imperative organs, nothing.
The crimson eyes observe in absolute terror as its attempted efforts are immeasurably disregarded. Fear even more abundant than before, so tense it loosens the grip of the black streak’s sanity…
Watching the tight seal around the human’s left lung, leach and ooze by the minute; the valued air ignored-poisoning the fluid at which was still rapidly leaking. Not even the slightest movement, not even the flee of confined air nor clamor….
Abandoning all thoughts of his own welfare, the achievement of the mission and the hope of seeing his beloved trainer alive again…
All of it…
Wounded so deep, healing would be unattainable-for both trainer and Pokemon. Even the act of temporal forces would be worthless. Blurred by and passed by.
Nothing more to lose, life was now pointless to him, he had nothing left…
It’s finally hopeless, nothing in store; the future doesn’t matter anymore…
Okay the other chapters will be posted SOON AGAIN-I am trying to reformat my laptop so maybe I'll post it SOONER....
As a note:
1. Sorry it took me so long to fill your request. Real life is a biter.
2. I know you said you're leaving until the end of the month, but I'm assuming you'll be back after that to read this. If I don't post now, it'd be thread necromancy.
3. For the above reason (the tail end of it, at least), the following review is only for the prologue. I don't really have time to get through all of your work right now, but I'll edit in more of my review later until someone else posts after me.
So, let's start with the word "cavities." While it means "hole" (and therefore, could mean "mouth"), the fact that it's plural and in reference to the mouth either implies that you're talking about multiple mouths or that you're talking about cavities in the teeth. It doesn't really hit on the idea of the energy forming in the mouth itself.
Additionally, "orifice." This literally means "hole in the surface of the body," so aside from the fact that the phrase is odd, it's also slightly redundant. (Yes, the orifice opens into the cavity, but it's still pretty much an overly flowery way of saying "mouth.")
Basically speaking, using purple prose (or flowery writing filled with adjectives and what might to the average reader be considered "academic" words) should really be avoided for a few simple reasons. First, you don't want your reader to be referring to a dictionary every other word. Now, I didn't, but there are some people in the teen age group (which you're aiming for, I presume) who may not have an extensive vocabulary beyond the way I'm writing to you now. Second, most authors who use purple prose fail to actually fully understand the connotations (and denotations) of the words they're using, resulting in an unintentionally awkward mental image for the reader. Third, the longer you go about saying something that can be summed up in a couple of words, the more your reader will be thinking, "Get on with it."
So, yes. The thesaurus should only really be used rarely in the writing process. Otherwise, simple is okay.
In other words, read your work aloud as you write to see if it makes sense to your ear. If it's awkward, chances are, it'll look awkward to a reader.
1. To separate two independent clauses (i.e., clauses that could stand on their own and make sense as complete sentences) that are closely related. As in, it's a replacement for a comma and conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) in a compound sentence if the two parts mean practically the same thing or better define one another, if that makes sense.
2. To separate items in a list of three or more if at least one of those items already has a comma in it. (Normally, you would use a comma to separate items, but if an item has a comma in it, you use the semicolon to avoid confusion.)
For simplicity's sake, don't use a semicolon unless your sentence falls under one or the other.
Second, again, purple prose. In this case, "caustic" means "sarcastic" or "capable of burning or corroding." Acidic. It doesn't really mean simply destructive. (In fact, to be blunt, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to make it mean here. That's the other problem. You've got a fragment here, and it's difficult to tell what it's referring to or what it means because you're lacking in a subject and lose the reader in adjectives and nouns that paint odd pictures – like the part about "appendage of dust and ice.")
Given that you're talking about a solid object…
The other problem is the fact that the adjectives you used are actually contradictory. "Strident" means "shrill" or "harsh-sounding." "Deafening" means "so loud you practically can't hear it because it's threatening to rupture your eardrums." You can't really have both at the same time for obvious reasons.
2. I'd changed "structure" to "build." "Structure" tends to mean "layout, internal build" – basically, the way something holds together on an internal level. "Build" – in reference to the body – means "the way something looks."
Even then, I'm not quite sure what you mean here. "Intervene" means "to occur between" or "to interrupt (as an action)." It doesn't refer to a placement of multiple objects in space. Rather, it refers to multiple events in time.
(Smog = smoke and pollution. I was under the impression that this scene is occurring in space – considering the object hasn't started glowing red from friction – and the upper levels of the atmosphere, which means there's really nothing to create the pollution part of smog.)
However, it would be nice if you described the attack and how it was freezing the object.
Xanthine is amused by the mental images.
Seriously, don't take shortcuts if you can help it. Write things out. There's exceptions, of course, but not with the word "and."
2. This fragment seems heavily unnecessary and awkward because the sentence before it stands complete, and this part doesn't seem to refer to anything in particular. Only add dependent clauses to a sentence when you want to modify an element within it. (As in, dependent clauses serve as adjectives or adverbs in a sense. They always go with a word in the independent clause, and it's always clear which one. Usually, it's the closest one to the comma, which means right now, this fragment is modifying "housed." Hence why I say it doesn't make sense.)
2. Tainted = to contaminate. You can't really say "tainted into."
No, seriously. It feels like you abruptly introduced a character without telling us anything about him – appearance, who he is, anything. We don't even know what kind of Pokémon we're looking at here.
No, seriously. What predicament? Which beings? What does this have to do with the sentence before it? What is this referring to?
Also, get rid of the ampersand.
Lastly, you may want to consider revising to introduce the trainer as well. Right now, we literally know nothing about Brunette except that he's a male Pokémon (of an undefined species) that's suddenly distrustful of his trainer. We know nothing about the trainer except she's a female human that's been corrupted. We don't even know what she's doing that's making Brunette suspicious, which means we're less likely to care about Brunette's plight because we really don't know what's going on. She may be denying him treats for all we know.
(Clench = to hold tightly.)
Okay, for the overall review, I'm just going to say a few simple things:
1. Your main problem here is an abundance of purple prose and misused words. As I've said before, flowery prose is not the way to go (regardless of what Eragon says). It loses the reader, and it distracts both your audience and you from the meaning of the sentence. In many cases, I got the feeling that you were so focused on creating eloquent descriptions that you actually forgot what you were trying to say, which resulted in either odd images or chaotic narration with fragments that don't actually go anywhere.
Likewise, at some points, I got the feeling you were using a word processor's thesaurus a little too happily. There are a number of words here that don't actually mean what you want them to mean (but might share a word or two in the definition), which created an abundance of either odd mental images or lost thoughts. For example, the bit about ramparts, the use of caustic, et cetera. Basically, don't use a word unless you've looked it up in the dictionary first, and even then, I'd be wary of using it unless it's particularly familiar to you. Otherwise, you may confuse the crap out of a reader who knows what those words actually mean.
Basically, a reader comes to a work of literature to be entertained. While it's cool to learn new words now and then from a work that's harder than what one is used to, to overload a work with flowery words borrowed from the thesaurus and heavily detailed, "poetic" description doesn't actually make your work any more mature than anything else. Simple description – and a balance of it with action and everything else that's meant to be in a story – is actually what you should be aiming for in order to keep the reader's attention. That is, the longer you go on with descriptive words (as in, the more adjectives and flowery words you try to jam into a sentence), the more the reader forgets there's supposed to be something going on here. It simply disrupts the flow you're trying to create.
Ergo, avoid purple prose as much as possible.
2. The ending of the prologue seems rushed. While you were taking your time to detail the battle between Rayquaza, Deoxys, and a chunk of rock, you didn't tell us anything about Brunette and his trainer except vague bits. If you're going to go about weaving a detailed story in the first half of a chapter, it's best to do the same in the second half, especially if you're referring to the backstory (or story) of the main character.
3. Yes, there were numbers of sentence fragments, run-ons, and tense switches in this chapter. While a beta's good, you'll want to read over your work yourself as well. Do it aloud, and you'll be able to hear the way the words sound. Anything that sounds awkward to you most likely is awkward to a reader.
4. A guide to commas versus semicolons and an article on what the semicolon is. Please read over both carefully. You use the semicolon a lot throughout the prologue, and in only a handful of those times did you use it properly. Semicolons are like the words I mentioned above. They have their proper places, they shouldn't be overused, and they can very well disrupt the flow of your story if you don't know how they're used. (For example for the latter, the times when you actually created run-ons because the semicolon was trying to function as the comma-conjunction combination of a compound sentence… in a sentence that had a compound combination later on.)
So, basically, while you seem to have promise, your main issue is just being careful with what you're saying and how you're saying it. Read your work carefully before posting it, and don't let your writing run away from you.
Last edited by JX Valentine; January 4th, 2009 at 09:24 AM.