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  #1    
Old February 27th, 2009, 10:18 PM
. R e ð e m p † i o n's Avatar
. R e ð e m p † i o n
•You got a piece of meh!•
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Äl†0 - mare
Gender: Female
Nature: Modest
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Greetings! This is my first Fan-fiction here in PC. The genre is romance and I wrote this for the Valentines prompt which is due tomorrow. I'll gladly accept your criticisms and reviews. I hope you enjoy!

Lifeless


by: . b l a z Ê R

They say love is a powerful emotion of which none can explain...




Dusk was drawing near as the imposing orange rays of the sun tinted the Milenia heavens. Gloriously striking colors dyed the supple clouds afloat, painting their distended form. The foliage of trees glistened like precious emerald gems as the gentle, red sunbeams of the approaching twilight passed through their translucent surfaces. Vivid light penetrated through a huge, glass window, providing prominent luminance to its beholder.

“I shall never engage in any relationship with them. My art solely is enough for me.”

A hovering creature’s crimson pupils sharpened once the strengthened vow left his lips. He clenched his azure-colored fists tightly while he felt repulsion coursing through his legendary veins.


“They will see the deficiencies of the kind they had to put up with!” the creature exclaimed as the motion of his appendages quickened with determination, “My idealism shall surmount the imperfections of the female kind!”

The levitating blue and gray entity was ever so fervent to surrender any female in exchange for the perfections he so willingly gave his unmoving creations; so confident that the promise he had sworn so strongly may never be broken.

But even the mightiest promises fracture because of the might which bounds it itself…

“The dream I had the night before is all I ever need to complete this. Those pathetic creatures aren’t even worth comparing…” His movement hastened even more. Intense luminosity poured out over the threshold; devoured completely by the impure determination and hate of what he detested most – females.

Dropping the tools which he dexterously wielded, the creature leisurely closed his eyes, calming the vicious sentiments taking haven within him, keeping his sharp mind wide-open, recalling the blissful reverie impaled deeply into his heart…




Narrow wings of brilliant ruby, outspread, touching the tranquil, blue sky…

A façade of utter magnificence smiling charmingly beyond compare…

Soft and gentle appendages, tenderly stroking mine…

Stunningly vivid grace stirring about…

Alluring expressions, so fatal, so kind…

Golden eyes glistening like elegant gems, peering into my very heart…

A voice so heavenly, serenity was only a whispers distance away…

“Neon…”




The creature couldn’t resist a wide grin. “She uttered my name again.”

He then tightened his grasp on the ethereal mirage once more.



Time had allowed me to make the most of what I saw.

Her graceful movements appeared so dawdling…

I was witnessing every second of her perfection…

And she was there, smiling prettily at me…

At me and only me...





His eyes opened, revealing his clear, crimson pupils. The common gray and blue visage he possessed suddenly flushed a cherry shade. His chest marked with a scarlet, triangle-shaped ring was tightening and beating ten-fold. His breathing hastened like that of one who would find himself exhausted. Every time he had recalled it, he would feel this way, experience this peculiar emotion of which he had not known of.

“W…what is this?” quivering for a moment as he stared perplexedly into the Milenia skies. “Ah… no mater, it is too trivial for me to be all worked up about. I have gotten what I wanted anyway.”

He then flicked his smooth, grey ears and picked up the tools which he had left on the wooden counter before glancing concisely at the mystifying orange firmament.

His narrow eyes suddenly took on a pale, pallid radiance, lifting the various tools and whirling them about inside a large, spacious room covered with velvety tapestries.

“I shall shape perfection!” He firmly remarked as he continued to swivel his apparatuses in mid air, “Let my duty resume.”

The hovering tools rapidly lunged toward a fragmentary slab of amorphous ivory. He lifted his short, blue arm and twirled it leisurely in a spherical motion. It seemed, somehow, the tools execute what he would array. Thick and heady dust arose from the slab as the inanimate objects whittled the fine features into the cold, hard stone.

Jagged, metal pegs dug forcefully into the rigid slab while hammers compelled them to protrude even further. Small nails carefully carved out the redundant gaps and cracks, creating intense profundity and detail.

Gradually, jet-like extremities emerge out of the large stone. It truly wasn’t a stone any longer, but a vague figure was coming forth out from the ivory. The tools had done what he had intended them to accomplish. All there is left is to fashion the stature using bare hands – the make or break of his creation.

“It is time,” he softly whispered as the pale glow originating from his narrow eyes gradually faded, at which point, the tools dropped on the marble floor. “Everything I have ever learned shall be embodied into what I am making. A hundred percent just isn’t enough.”

He held a small hammer in one hand and a chisel on the other.

“Tonight, I will redefine perfection!” he assertively exclaimed. “No female ever born, no statue ever made may be able to approach what I have devoted all my talent to.”


The bright, cold silver moon lit up the dismal and shadowy Milenia skies alongside the glistening stars above. The sands of time went by as he dedicatedly shaped what he understood to be the "perfect female". He utterly reviled their liabilities beyond measure. Nonetheless, the statuette he created and devoted all his expertise to is that of a woman. Moreover, he could not let go of what he so disapproved of from his outlook as easily as from his life, or else he was enthusiastic towards forming an ideal female and wanted to show his own kind what defects females possessed through the perfection of his creation.

The great father-clock chimed loudly, signaling the arrival of midnight.


Ignoring this trivial notice, he still kept being persistent and sustained carving the fine details into his creation, regardless of the extremely heavy weariness washing over him like a colossal wave.

“I must,” he whispered blearily.

He felt his eyelids grow heavier and heavier by the minute. Although, he knew the slightest error may mean damage beyond repair, he still kept fashioning the ivory statuette.


But, the exhaustion was too much.

His heart was relentless, but his body was weak.

“I need to… k… keep on… w… working…”

Unable to form completely coherent sentences, he finally gave in to his body’s demands.


…Fading...






Narrow wings of brilliant ruby, outspread, touching the tranquil, blue sky…

A façade of utter magnificence smiling charmingly beyond compare…

Soft and gentle appendages, tenderly stroking mine…

Stunningly vivid grace stirring about…

Alluring expressions, so fatal, so kind…

Golden eyes glistening like elegant gems, peering into my very heart…

A voice so heavenly, serenity was only a whispers distance away…

“Neon…”

“Neon…”

“Neon…”




“Hah!!”

He was instantly awake. Although he felt, to some extent, more unusual now than what he had felt hours ago – completely rejuvenated. Not only had his energy been entirely restored, he had never felt this revitalized before then!

“Whatever the cause is…” he quietly remarked, wielding once again the hammer and chisel, “whatever the cause is doesn’t matter right now…”

However that was, he resumed long and avidly on the statuette until dawn and created a most exquisite work of art. It became exactly like the lovely figure he sought in the realm of his dreams.

“It is not how I pictured it to be…” he clenched his blue fists at his sides as his eyes filled with uncertainty. “Have I committed an error?”

The sun’s brilliant daybreak rays shone on his sculpture, allowing its appearance to glisten like gold. Its details were breathtakingly magnificent: carved with the steadiest of hand, envisioned through the most focused of thought. Her long narrow wings gracefully suspended and outstretched; her golden eyes seemingly gazed at the never-ending beauty of the horizon, her right arm was benevolently held out, the other comfortably tucked at her side and her warm smile portrayed blissfully through her expression. She was worth much more than the effort itself.

But, beautifully divine as it was, he could not rest content. “I can’t tell what details I have missed…” he grimaced at the grimy, marble floor. “But I shall not give up!”

Blazing fires raged in his crimson eyes, making his determination an unstoppable rampage. An unpromising resolve had stirred him to perfect what he had painstakingly accomplished. He spiritedly kept working at it without pause and day after day under his legendary touch, it grew more elegant. Every minuscule ounce of his knowledge, expertise and talent was fervently used to refine his preceding sculpture. When absolutely nothing imaginable could be added to its perfections, a strange and extraordinary fate had befallen its creator: he had fallen in love, deeply, passionately and irrevocably in love, with the thing he had made… His heart was touched by its cold, inert hands, his feelings stolen by its motionless elegance and splendor. It did not look like a statue; nothing would have thought it was ivory or stone, but affectionate flesh, motionless for a moment only.

Such was the legendary power of this young, scornful descendant of the Eon line. He had achieved the ultimate prize of art: the art of concealing art. As which, her graceful wings seemingly desired the supremacy of flight and her slight and slender body apparently stirred under peripheral vision…

However, from that time on, the femininity he scorned had their vengeance. No hopeless lover of a breathing, living feminine was ever so dreadfully dejected as he was.

He kissed those enticingly tempting lipsthey could not kiss him back; he caressed her smooth, loving handsthey were unresponsive; he took her in his arms she remained in a cold and passive form…

He knew he was as similar to what he had created, lifeless.

Stirring on his garden veranda, he would pretend to give her luxurious gifts under the white brilliance of the crescent moon and dream she thanked him with eager affection. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t envisage such fantasy. He gave up. He loved a lifeless thing, and he was absolutely and desperately wretched.

“Is… is… this… r… retribution?” he faintly stammered while his unsheathed tears were promptly blown by the bitter wind.

The willow’s long branches swayed in unison with the cold breeze, and the stars glazed across the smooth skies. He looked up, vision distorted and indistinct. His gaze suddenly shifted to what he devoted his entire passion to. She was just smiling there, smiling on her pedestal, inertly divine beyond compare.

“You’re as gorgeous as the night sky... No, you’re beyond that aren’t you?”

He dimly flashed a sudden grin before fixing his gape once more at the Milenia sky. “If you could only… share this moment with me…”

He started back, fitting his glance at her yet again.

“If only…” he whispered under his breath.

He shut his eyes tightly. Remembering how her lips tenderly uttered his name, recalling without stone or ivory, such elegance she possessed, reliving what it feels like under the caress of her gentle arms…


Narrow wings of brilliant ruby, outspread, touching the tranquil, blue sky…

A façade of utter magnificence smiling charmingly beyond compare…

Soft and gentle appendages, tenderly stroking mine…

Stunningly vivid grace stirring about…

Alluring expressions, so fatal, so kind…

Golden eyes glistening like elegant gems, peering into my very heart…

A voice so heavenly, serenity was only a whispers distance away…

Just a dream, noting more…

It’s all I ever see it for…

If I could only witness your smile widen...

I would spend forever just to see that happen…

I would give anything just to touch your affectionate hands…

Even if I have to seek distant lands…

If only you could be here with me tonight…

You could be my crescent moon, shining with bright, vivid light…

But the cruel realism divides us both…

The pledge to never love… what a dim-witted oath…

A cold, ivory imprisonment, I will set you free…

Because you mean everything to me…

You made me breathless…

And without you, I am lifeless…

But it’s just a dream, nothing more…

It’s all I ever see YOU for…



Cold and bitter wind blew the glistening, crystal tears from the blue and gray facade of their beholder. His eyes still firmly closed, refusing to see the same sight which pained him to allow it to continue – motionless.

But he knew he wanted to. He couldn’t resist. It was not possible for him just to ignore the opportunity to take a single glimpse of her frozen beauty. The urge was too strong; he couldn’t deny it, not now, not ever.

He had to, he just had to…

He opened them.

Intense, dazzling moonlight shimmered onto what he saw. The breeze strongly swept while the parched leaves followed. Approaching her, he immediately bunged. His harsh tears disappeared and his thoughts emptied.

There she stood on her pedestal entrancingly beautiful. He caressed her, and then, he started back. Was it self-deception, or did she really feel warm to his touch? He kissed her lips, a long lingering kiss, and felt them grow soft beneath his. He touched her arms, her wings; their hardness vanished. He clasped her wrist; blood was pulsing there. And with unutterable gratitude and bliss, he put his blue arms around his love and saw her smile into his crimson eyes and blush under the crescent moon.

You and I are no longer lifeless…

---


Spoiler:
Special thanks for the Beta readers who helped me spot some of the errors!





†Blayzer†



Last edited by . R e ð e m p † i o n; March 5th, 2009 at 05:59 AM.
  #2    
Old February 27th, 2009, 11:31 PM
Micro
Advanced Trainer
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
I totally love it <3 Good job blayzer =3
  #3    
Old February 28th, 2009, 04:23 AM
Tiny_Treecko's Avatar
Tiny_Treecko
New Newbie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Age: 24
Gender:
Nature: Naive
This was very enjoyable. You are an extremely talented writer
Diamond FC: 5284 6532 8348
  #4    
Old March 1st, 2009, 05:38 AM
. R e ð e m p † i o n's Avatar
. R e ð e m p † i o n
•You got a piece of meh!•
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Äl†0 - mare
Gender: Female
Nature: Modest
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Thanks! That means a lot Tiny_Treecko! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D

†Blayzer†


  #5    
Old March 1st, 2009, 04:33 PM
POKEMON_MASTER_0's Avatar
POKEMON_MASTER_0
Above & Beyond
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Seattle area
Age: 22
Gender: Male
I have to say that this is one of the more-enjoyable fan fictions I've read in awhile.

I found it interesting how you interspersed fragments of a poem throughout the story, and then brought it all together at the end. It really showed how Neon (I think that's his name) got these little glimpses of light throughout, and in the end, they all came together and he could finally see.

The story leaves me wondering, as well. The end wasn't very clear-cut. It didn't say, "Neon and Latias lived happily ever after." It leads me to askr: was that really a Latias, or was it only a Latias because Neon wanted it to be, and therefore perceived it to be? Or maybe one's reality and one's perception of reality are the same thing.

It really made me think even after I finnished, and I liked that. Admittedly though, my perception of this is somewhat biased. Latias and Latios are my two favorite Pokemon, and I've been grappling with them in a fic of my own for more than two years.

So to wrap this up, the bottom line is that I very-much enjoyed this (but you knew that already).
  #6    
Old March 2nd, 2009, 07:17 PM
txteclipse's Avatar
txteclipse
Zero
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Your prose is magnificent. The work that went into this was truly palpable as I read it.

It's difficult to express how much I resonate with this. I have a story I've been working on for about two years now that features a Latias and Latios: Latias especially has come to mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. And then there's the idea of bringing art to life...I attempt to do this every time I set fingers to keyboard. The fact that you picked up on these themes and presented them in such a way tells me that you're amazingly perceptive, not to mention talented. So thank you for sharing your insight with us, and welcome to the Lati fandom! This is quite an entrance, I must say.

In terms of critiquing, I noticed a grand total of one spelling mistake:
Quote:
But it’s just a dream, noting more…
Should be "nothing." Other than that, this is stellar. I hope to see a lot more from you in the future!

  #7    
Old March 3rd, 2009, 02:51 AM
. R e ð e m p † i o n's Avatar
. R e ð e m p † i o n
•You got a piece of meh!•
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Äl†0 - mare
Gender: Female
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to . R e ð e m p † i o n Send a message via Yahoo to . R e ð e m p † i o n
Thank you very much txteclipse & POKEMON_MASTER_0! I really appreciate your positive criticisms! :D

†Blayzer†


  #8    
Old March 6th, 2009, 05:08 AM
.emerald
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Nature: Modest
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The description is quite profound! The way you mixed fragments of a poem together was really interesting, especially the description about the Latias. I have to say it was definitely enjoyable.


| Brothers | Everlasting love | Stopping by d' woods | Art Gallery|


Punishments....

  #9    
Old March 12th, 2009, 05:32 AM
. R e ð e m p † i o n's Avatar
. R e ð e m p † i o n
•You got a piece of meh!•
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Äl†0 - mare
Gender: Female
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to . R e ð e m p † i o n Send a message via Yahoo to . R e ð e m p † i o n
Quote:
Originally Posted by .emerald View Post
The description is quite profound! The way you mixed fragments of a poem together was really interesting, especially the description about the Latias. I have to say it was definitely enjoyable.
Thank you very much! I thought the fic might need fragments of the poems I made, I guess it really helped! :D

†Blayzer†


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