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  #1    
Old March 19th, 2009, 06:26 PM
Baa.Baa.Blacksheep's Avatar
Baa.Baa.Blacksheep
Lean on me~
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Indiana
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Hello again, everyone! This is a Twinleafshipping (DPt RivalxHeroine) oneshot I wrote for a class, actually. All credit for this idea goes to Pikanchi on Fanfiction.net and her wonder fanfic Fateful Buds, which fills my fangirly head with so many wonderful images. Based on the thirty-second prompt, "pretty."



Ballroom Blitz

If this was the definition of elegance, like the brochure said, then I must have been taught wrong.

Or, perhaps it wasn't the brochure that was wrong. I had never had the patience for these sorts of things.

Not for the first time that night, I wished that he had come down with the flu, or the measles, or any sort of sickness. Lying on my own deathbed had to be more exciting than this.

I leaned against a wall, as far away from the festivities as I could possibly get. My skin prickled, both from this ridiculous and clammy tux I was forced by my mother to wear and from the impatience building up inside of me. I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere, beside this ballroom.

My first impression of the place was blinding; it seemed like every single thing in the room had to have the color white. And not just any white, the kind of white you could probably see in the dark without using some sort of black light.

Not only was the place extremely white, it was also very vast. Rows of great alabaster pillars towered around me, edging the marble ballroom floor. My eyes wandered from the pillars to the large glassy chandeliers dangling from the ceiling by gold chains, hanging over the crowd of dancers swaying to the lulling music. I began to wonder...if I started swinging from one, would I be forced to leave? It was a tantalizing thought, but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Continuing my scrutiny of the ballroom, I noticed the golden angels, surrounded by gilded roses, ogling me from the arched ceiling. I felt myself shudder; they made me feel more uncomfortable than I already did. Why did everything have to have creepy angels in this place? Angel statues were tucked away periodically in alcoves in the walls and icy cherubs sat on each of the tables, all of them staring at me. Although…the ice sculptures were more of a taunt than anything; I struggled to keep my tongue in my mouth and off of their icy frames.

Jeez, I had to be desperate for something to do. I was never this poetic about anything.

I wove my way through the crowd of painted women and stiff men to the food tables, desperate for some punch. If there was any perk to this party, it had to be the food. Tables covered in ghostly shrouds were heavily laden in delicacies that I had never seen before, let alone be able to pronounce.

I made my way back to his wall with my spoils, a mere cup of punch. I had lost my appetite; everything in the room was both irritating and intimidating. Why was everything so fancy? Who were these all these hoity-toity people? They couldn’t all know Hikari.

Hikari…Hikari was the only reason I was forcing myself to stay in this ballroom. This party was for her, celebrating her great victories around the country. Most of the people here were only waiting for a glimpse of the famed Hikari, the girl who single handily took down the legendary Pokémon Giratina, thwarted the plan of an evil corporation, and beat the Sinnoh Elite Four to take the new place of Champion.

I snorted. Right. Most of them would probably be disappointed that the girl who did all these great things was just a kid from Twinleaf Town. I sipped my punch bitterly, wishing for all these people to go away.

At least I could take solace in the thought that I wasn’t the only one uncomfortable at this party; I had been friends with Hikari for long enough that I could say with confidence that the girl probably felt as out of place as myself. I could remember her fervent protests to news crews, trainers, and general admirers about her being special or deserving a reward for what she did. She finally caved in, which lead me to this stupid ballroom. That girl was too nice sometimes.

Speaking of Hikari…where in the world was she? I looked at my watch, my impatience growing. I didn’t want to leave before I saw her, because I knew that I would pay dearly for it later, but I couldn’t stand another second in this synthetic place.

“Jun!”

I knew that voice about as well as my own. I turned around, ready to give her a scolding for making me wait so long. “Hikari! Where have you—”

I absently registered the fact that the drink I had been holding fell to the ground, red punch seeping into my shoes.

A dress. Hikari was in a dress. My best friend. In a dress. Standing in front of me. In a dress.

It was a simple dress, light blue in color, slim, reaching down to the floor, two straps looped around her neck. But…it was dress. A dress. I had seen her in skirts before, but never a dress. Not even when we were little.

I knew my mouth had to be as wide as my eyes, but my mind honestly couldn’t take in the scene before me.

“…Jun? You okay?”

For the first time...

…I think I finally realized...

…that Hikari was...

…a girl.
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Ever since the 900s ~ | | |||

||| | | ~ Always watching over me

Bosum Buddy/Spritual Pair: ValentineUmbreon/Little Brother-Complex: Royal
Genesis/Sister-in-Law: SilverSmeargleSplatter/Exasperated Older Brother: Sir Boulevard/Chat-log Stalker: BinaryPeaches

Last edited by Baa.Baa.Blacksheep; March 20th, 2009 at 12:41 PM.
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  #2    
Old March 19th, 2009, 07:21 PM
Swift!'s Avatar
Swift!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Wonderful!

This is such a great piece of work and I only found two of the smallest mistakes in it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baa.Baa.Blacksheep View Post
I didn’t want to leave before I saw her, because I knew that I would pay dearly for it later, but I couldn’t stand another second in this synthetic place.
You forgot the "in" right there and...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baa.Baa.Blacksheep View Post
I knew my mouth had to be as wide as my eyes, but my mind honestly couldn’t take in the scene before me.
...you said "taken" in stead of "take".

Either way, those mistakes are nothing compared to the sheer beauty of this oneshot.
I really love your work, Baa.Baa, and I can't wait to read more from you.
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Last edited by Swift!; March 19th, 2009 at 08:56 PM.
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  #3    
Old March 19th, 2009, 08:55 PM
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Blue Angel
Living for now
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
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I loved it!
But it does anger me that it is so short XD
I enjoy your writing so much and then you disappoint me with only a little.
JK - Any amount is worth the time =D

Only found one error and it was quite minor:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baa.Baa.Blacksheep View Post
Most of the people here were only waiting for a glimpse of the famed Hikari, the girl who single handily took down the legendary Pokémon Giratina, thwarted the plan of an evil corporation, and beat the Sinnoh Elite Four to take the new place of Champion.
Keep up the good work!
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  #4    
Old March 20th, 2009, 12:45 PM
Baa.Baa.Blacksheep's Avatar
Baa.Baa.Blacksheep
Lean on me~
 
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@ .Swift: Thank you so much! I've fixed the mistakes you've indicated. XD I'm not really a good proofreader...But, I'm glad you like it so much! I hope I can keep up to your expectations in the future!

@ Blue Angel: XD I know it's really short, but it felt complete. XD And, like I said, I did it for class, and I typed it all up one morning before it was due. XD But, I'm glad you still like it! Thanks for pointing that out, and hopefully my next piece is a little longer!
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Front Flips and Heart Throbs/Snowbound/The Show Must Go On/Ruby Red/Black Friday/Achilles' Heel/Ballroom Blitz/

Ever since the 900s ~ | | |||

||| | | ~ Always watching over me

Bosum Buddy/Spritual Pair: ValentineUmbreon/Little Brother-Complex: Royal
Genesis/Sister-in-Law: SilverSmeargleSplatter/Exasperated Older Brother: Sir Boulevard/Chat-log Stalker: BinaryPeaches
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  #5    
Old March 20th, 2009, 03:09 PM
Chelzbell's Avatar
Chelzbell
magical girl undercover
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: USA
Age: 27
Nature: Gentle
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Another well written fanfic, well done! I loved it! <3
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  #6    
Old March 20th, 2009, 03:38 PM
Lana.'s Avatar
Lana.
*spin*
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
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Fwaaa! I read this on ff.net last night and almost squeed. It was adorable; I love game-based Twinleafshipping.

Quote:
forced by my mother to wear
Maybe just "my mother forced me to wear"? The way you have it sounds weird spoken aloud.\

Other than that... I couldn't find much to honestly critique xD

But... yeah. It was freakin' adorable. (Hah. You know it's good whne I use adorable, of all words, twice to describe a romance one-shot.)

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  #7    
Old March 20th, 2009, 03:40 PM
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Feathing
Water Gym Master
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: A small town ^^
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Nature: Lonely
WOW!
Great story! Though I didn't understand all the words XD (my english isn't perfect) I loved the descriptions. I'd feel as uncomfortable as Jun felt... The fact that in such a short story you can have the readers attention and tell a story so well in so little sentences says you're a great writer.

And I loved the ending, so nice and romantic although it is simple and hasn't those 'love-story cliches'

Well, I liked it very much, as you can see. Look foward to your next story.
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