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  #51    
Old March 30th, 2009, 04:00 AM
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Legendarian Mistress
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Well, I was going to say I wondered why Leah was afraid of storms. Then, I had a theory... that maybe it wasn't a storm, maybe it was caused by Zapdos; but, I quickly threw that theory out the window, because Zapdos lives in the Power Plant... which is no-where near Cinnabar. Hope to receive the answer to the problem soon and keep up the excellent work, Dagzar.
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  #52    
Old March 30th, 2009, 03:21 PM
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Heh, your theory made me laugh, Tigrerra. In the previous draft of this story (which will never see the light of day again), the storm in the chapter was actually caused by a Raikou and the Pokemon even got to appear in the chapter. In this version though, I decided to keep the storm natural because I don’t want a legendary Pokemon running around so soon in the story.
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  #53    
Old April 3rd, 2009, 07:19 PM
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Chapter 6: Lost (part one)





It had been twenty minutes since she had lost sight of Ed.

She had reasonably calmed down from her panic-induced hysteria at being caught in a storm. So, instead of being all scared and trying to hide under some wimpy looking tree, she was instead feeling depressed and moody. Not that she still wasn’t a bit fearful (understatement), but it had since taken a back seat in favor of brooding and sarcasm.

Or that was what Leah kept telling herself.

Though, it didn’t matter since she had to find a way to get out of the forest. Right now.

Like the people back in the city, the storm was all around her and no matter what she did, no matter where she tried to hide, she couldn’t get it to go away! It blinded her senses. She couldn’t see, she couldn’t hear (not that it would’ve helped anyways) and she couldn’t even run anymore, though that one was more her fault then the rain’s.

Leah cursed herself for not exercising more. Maybe if she did then maybe she could’ve kept up with Ed’s fast pace. It was really surprising, and a bit frightening too, how fast Ed was able to run. Leah tried to follow, really, she did, but she got tired and was forced to stop. It wasn’t the best excuse, especially since she was the one that wanted that wanted to leave so badly, but how could she know that she was going to get caught in up in a freaking storm?

She flinched and her heart raced as the thunder growled in the sky. A pit of terror had formed her chest and she desperately wanted to get rid of it. Oh, what she would do to get out of the weather? Pretty much anything at that point.

Hunched over, but with her whole body on alert, she was stupidly walking in a random direction. She had no clue where she was going, but didn’t care as long as it led her out of the jungle. If she was smart, she would’ve just stayed in the same place and would hope that Ed came back for her.

But no, she just couldn’t stay still, could she? Nope, she just had to be a moron.

The trees provided pretty much no protection whatsoever, from both the rain and the lightning; not that she logically needed protection from lightning, but still. It was lightning! What if it hit a tree or something?

Shivering, she stuck her hands in her pockets. If the rain, lightning and thunder weren’t bad enough, there was the wind. The stupid damn wind. Despite the storm, it actually wasn’t that cold unless you accounted for the strong winds. It was blowing and howling and attacking her whenever she wasn’t behind trees. It blew rain into her face and forced her to close her eyes and stop whenever a particular big gust came around.

With her eyes half-blind, she was surprised she hadn’t tripped or run into anything yet, but she didn’t think that would last long.

Where was the exit? There had to be one around somewhere! Although, she found that that hope was slowly dying. How long had she been walking? A long time probably and despite her tiredness, she had yet to get out of the dreadfully familiar scene of plants, plants and more plants. She needed a new plan. It looked like she wasn’t going to be getting out of the storm the way she wanted to, so she was going to have to go with Plan B (always capitalized in her head).

Most people would be surprised that she had a Plan B already, but the specific plan had been thought up a few years ago. Just in case That ever happened again. And look-it that: it had.

So, Plan B: she needed to find a shelter. No, not a tree or a plant. Those couldn’t be trusted. A cave of some sort would work, but she didn’t think there were any around. Actually, maybe there were some. She sure didn’t expect to find a cave Back There, after all.

Leah looked around her and tried to calm herself down. She had to find shelter or it would just get worse.

It always did.




“Well,” Leah spoke to herself, voice shaking as a disbelieving grin came onto her face. “I would’ve liked a cave, but I suppose a creepy house in the middle of nowhere will have to do.”

It was around ten minutes later and Leah had stumbled upon the jackpot.

A house, a mansion, stood before her, looking much older than her own house. It looked abandoned if the yard was any indication. The gardens in front were all dead and the decayed plants hadn’t even been cleaned up. Though, it was hard to see through the thick rain.

Briskly walking toward the double doors that stood on top of a mini wooden staircase, she crushed the dead plants under her boots. When she got to the top of the stairs and under the overhang, she sighed, but didn’t make a move to taking her hood off. Water dripped onto the damp wood and Leah looked at the door cautiously before shaking her head.

No, there was no point in knocking. She didn’t care if it wasn’t abandoned, she was getting out of the weather and that was that. Period.

She tried to open the door and was a bit surprised when it swung open easily. Hmm, suspicious. With one last look at the miserable weather, she casually entered the mansion. There were no lights inside and she couldn’t see any light switches on the walls, but the light from the open doorway vaguely illuminated the scene.

It was… grand. That was the best word to describe it. The front room that she had entered was bigger then her kitchen and living room put together. At the very front of the room, about six meters ahead of her, were two great staircases which curled their way to the floor above. There was also a slight chill in the room and it almost made Leah think that it might be colder inside the house than out.

Before closing the door, Leah knelt down and dug around in her bag for her flashlight. She found it and switched it on, the beam of light providing more comfort then the light from outdoors did. She was happy to note, that once she closed the door, the sound of the rain was abruptly cut off, though she could still hear it if she was really quiet. Which she wasn’t.

“Hello?” Leah hesitantly asked the mansion, feeling like a girl out of a horror movie. “Anyone there?”

Nothing.

“Okay then, I’ll just make myself at home.” Then she said quieter to herself as she looked around with narrowed eyes. “Yeah, I’ll do that…”

Leah wandered over to the staircase, a once majestic red carpet guiding her from the door to the stairs, as if welcoming her. As she walked, she couldn’t help but notice the five white columns on either side of her, extended to the ceiling and seemingly holding it up. They were probably once quite good looking, but now they were crumbling and worn from age.

The whole place was weird, she thought. An abandoned mansion in the middle of a forest would make a good tourist attraction, so why wasn’t anyone here? Not only that, but there was a feeling in the air, like a static charge. She couldn’t really describe it, but whatever it was, it just gave her the feeling that she was intruding on something… sacred.

Her footfalls paused as she stood before the stairs.

The terror which had been put on hiatus as she amused herself with the mysterious mansion suddenly started to rise. Suddenly, she started to wonder why a house like this was abandoned in the first place. Had something horrible happened? She felt her limbs freezing in place and her mind blanking out. All that was left was her and the instinct that something was inexplicitly wrong with the whole situation.

Then, as fast as it appeared, the fear left her and she let out a breath of air.

Nothing to fear, it was probably just that weird smell in the air that had been bugging her since she had come in. That- that burning smell. Her nose itched and she wished that it would go away already. The smell had proved that it was annoying, so could it just go bug someone else, now?

“Sorry, house,” Leah said and forced a smile to hide a bit of unease. “Unless you can make it rain in here, there’s no getting rid of me.”

With nothing else to do, she sat down on one of the lowest steps, her arm leaning against her knee and her hand supporting her head. Silence descended on the mansion as Leah just sat there and did nothing. She could hear the dulled out sound of the rain outside as it attacked the roof with a roar.

She assumed it wouldn’t rain for that much longer, but the longer she sat there in the quiet, the more that the hope withered and died. How long was she going to be stuck inside for anyways? Hours? If that was so, then Leah could pretty much sentence herself to hours of boredom. She didn’t really feel like exploring the house because she’d probably just get into trouble. Besides, with the house in the condition that it was in, she didn’t want to accidently fall through the floor or something like that.

Sighing, she took out Sand’s Pokeball from her pocket and held it up to her face. She refused to suffer alone (it had nothing to do with feeling a bit uneasy, not at all).

“Hey, Sands,” Leah said to the Pokeball. “There’s no battle, but if I let you out, you gotta behave and be a good little Pokemon. Okay?”

Taking to the Pokeball was meaningless since Sands couldn’t hear her; though it didn’t matter because it wouldn’t be able understand even if it actually did.

Leah released Sands onto the floor. Her eyes narrowed at the bright light and stayed like that until the spectacle was over. Sands looked up at her with a blank expression. It was obviously confused on why it had been called out when there was no battle.

“I’m bored,” Leah told it, answering its imaginary question. “You’re suffering with me.”

“Sands?” it said.

“Yeah, that’s your name,” she teased it. Uh oh, if she was bored enough to play games with a Pokemon, then she was in trouble.

Though, Sands didn’t seem like it wanted to continue their conversation either. It pawed the ground, claws scratching the carpet before it got up on its hind legs and stuck its nose into the air, sniffing.

“What are you smelling?”

The Pokemon didn’t bother replying, putting its nose to the ground and then looking up at Leah.

“What are you-?”

With fast steps, Sands leapt onto the stair that Leah was sitting on and started to climb. Leah twisted her body around to watch her Pokemon walk away from her and go up to the next level with its nose first.

Leah scowled. “Hey!” She quickly stood up and with flashlight in hand, she followed. The beam of light kept a firm spotlight on the Sandshrew, who completely ignored its trainer when she called out to it again and again. Though she wasn’t that happy at Sands’ disobedience, she didn’t try to stop it, instead hoping that the Pokemon will lead her out of boredom, but not into trouble. Huh, and she thought she wasn’t going to explore. So much for that plan.

Sands and Leah got to the next floor up and Leah shined her flashlight onto the hallway walls. They were torn up and old, but that wasn’t what caught her attention. No, the thing that caught her attention was the single handprint that had been smeared onto the wallpaper closest to the staircase. She went up closer and found that it was a dark, rusty brown and drips of it fell in a straight line to the floor. Or, once had. It was completely dried up and looked like it had been like that for a long time.

“Blood; ew,” she concluded with a grimace. “This has suddenly gotten a lot creepier.”

Leah turned from the wall and pointed her flashlight back at Sands-

-Or, where Sands was supposed to be.

The light hovered in that spot for a moment before starting to frantically move along ground, looking for the lost Pokemon.

“Sands?” Leah asked loudly. “Come here!”

When the Sandshrew didn’t come trotting to her, Leah cursed at Sands’ sudden abandonment. Not again! This was the reason that she hated relying on Sandshrew for anything other then a battle. It always seemed to abandon her when she needed it most! What if she needed protection or something? Argh!

Calm down, she told herself. There are only two directions Sands could have gone: up the hallway or down the hallway. Judging that Sands would have to slip past her to go down the hallway, she assumed that it had gone right. Leah peered up the hallway. No Pokemon could be seen, but there were three doors, two of them wide open, the other being closed.

She took a step forward and the floor creaked under her weight. Banishing the chills, she tried to walk casually down the hall, like nothing was remotely creepy about it.

“Oh, Sands…” she sung to herself. “Where are you…?”

Leah glanced into the first room, sweeping her flashlight around while doing so. Nope, nothing alive or spooky. Just a small room with a desk and an awesome looking high-back chair behind it. Putting her search for Sands on hiatus, she walked over (making sure that there definitely nothing alive (or un-alive) around her) and promptly sat down. The plush sagged under her and she bounced her head off the back of the plush chair.

“Liking the chair.” She nodded to herself and noticed a few papers on the desk. Old, crinkled ones, but most obviously paper. She helped herself and dragged one of them over to her eyes, but didn’t pick it up; it looked delicate.

It was legible and it seemed to be some sort of page out of a diary.


March 18th, 1954

Elizur is doing better now that the weather is warmer. He seems to enjoy sitting in the sun, but I must be careful not to leave him alone. This is the second time he has tried to wander into the bush. I dread to think what could have happened if Nidorina wasn’t watching him; he could’ve gotten lost. I’m going to have to keep him inside for a while, though I must make it clear to him that it isn’t a punishment. Kadabra has warned me that it is going to rain for the next few days and my dear psychic type has nary been wrong.

I do hope Elizur won’t take it too bad. He does hate staying inside and I feel rather guilty that he must. I know he misses Brazil and I have decided that I’ll be taking him there for the summer. He’ll enjoy that, I’m sure.

My colleague, Professor Dawson, will be joining me for the next few weeks and he is in great spirits. He’s wanted to meet Elizur ever since I mentioned him and I hope that they’ll get along well. Elizur is rather shy, but I’m sure that the professor will be able to win him over.


The page ended there and nothing else was written.

“Who’s Elizur?” Leah said to herself as she pushed the page away and dragged a different one towards her. She really shouldn’t be snooping in some dead guy’s belongings, but who was going to call her out for it? A ghost?

The page in front of her was shorter then the last.


April 5th, 1954

I am worried about Elizur. Ever since the professor left, he hasn’t been acting as cheery as he normally is. He took to Professor Dawson quite much and I don’t like seeing him so put out. I don’t know what to do, but it’s a sunny afternoon and I hope that Elizur will have some fun outside today. In fact, I may join him myself. I can’t remember the last time that I went outside just to enjoy the weather. I haven’t talked with Elizur often either and maybe we can talk things out.

“Wow,” Leah said. “Elizur this, Elizur that. Is he the guy’s son or something?”

She looked at the rest of the papers on the desk, but found the words were either too illegible, as if a bucket of water had been dropped on them. Leaning back in her chair, she pondered the mystery of the blurred notes. Now that she paid attention, she saw that the edges on one side of the pages were torn. They must have been torn out of a notebook, she thought. But why was that?

Leah looked over the notes again and picked one out that looked half-readable, though it was the shortest entry yet.


May 24th, 1954

….thing’s wrong…… Elizur. He’s gotten extremely volatile and I’m not sure what to do. He’s……………hit Kadabra. …..tried to reason………………won’t listen to me and now I’ve found…….always arguing. …………not the worst of it. ………. morning, I found blood…. his room…. confronted him………horrified…………..he cut …………….. A nasty slash. This has gone too far.


“Kid went insane then,” Leah concluded. She was about to try to read another page when she heard a small sound coming from the next room.

It was a thumping noise and it came vaguely from her right.

She grinned and promptly forgot about the mystery in front of her. She had found Sands! Reluctantly getting up from the awesome chair, she left the room, flashlight ahead of her.

“Here’s door number two,” she said as she poked her head in.

The room was in serve contrast from the room she just left. Where the study was boring and was your typical office, the room she was in was bursting with life. It was a bedroom, the bed being an obvious sign as it stood pressed against the wall. The sheets were a brilliant blue and covered with yellow patterns. Above the bed was a window, the curtains open and the light from outside cast a blue glow on the room.

Water was dripping down the window and she could hear the pitter patter of the rain on the roof. The room was surprisingly warm, she found, as she stepped forwards onto the expensive wood lining the floor.

Something caught her eye, so she walked up to the shelf on the wall and stared at the beautiful rocks that stood proudly on display. They all gleamed, some shined and some even glittered. It was quite a collection. She could even recognize some of the rocks by name, though it wasn’t that surprising. The gray stone, for instance, the one with green veins that spider-webbed across it was a Leaf Stone. Next to it was a blue stone, one that was a mix of blues and purples. That was a Water Stone. Most of the rocks were some type of elemental stone, but the rest were just your common variety garden rocks, or so she assumed.

Leah turned away from the rocks and looked down at the Pokemon who was lying beside her.

“What are you doing in here, Sands?” Leah asked. The Pokemon looked tired and its body was curled up around a stone that seemingly fell from the shelf. Sands’ paws were around the rock, but the trainer could still see the spiral of reds and oranges of the rock.

“Why do you have Fire Stone, Sands?”

Kneeling down, she put her hand on her Pokemon’s body and felt the heat it produced, but she also felt the faint shivering. Her hand ran along Sands’ body until she could feel the warmth that was admitting from the Fire Stone. Leah frowned. Now that she thought about it, it was quite a bit warmer in the room than the rest of the house. And as she very well knew, the one thing that Sandshrew hated equally to water, it was the cold.

“Are you cold? Is that it?”

Sands opened its eyes into slits, but closed them again, uninterested in its trainer.

She sighed. “Guess that’s a ‘yes’ then. Come on, Sands. You can’t lay here all day and I really don’t want to return you to your Pokeball.”

The word ‘Pokeball’ was something Sands recognized and it raised its head. Keeping its paws firmly on the stone, the Pokemon unleashed a pleading look that Leah had never seen Sands give her before. The look was vaguely human-ish and the fact that she could tell it was a pleading look made her uncomfortable.

She really hated it when Sands started to give her those types of expressions. It made her think back to those Pokemon Rights propaganda that had been spreading around recently. The idea that Pokemon were sentient beings and could think and feel like a human gave her the shivers. If it were true, it would bring a whole new side to slavery and what Pokemon battling was really about. Thank god it wasn’t, though. The only Pokemon that could be counted as sentient were psychic types, and even they had to be powerful to think like a human.

“Okay,” Leah said as she got to her feet. “Fine, fine. Lay there. It’s not like we need to explore.”

With another sigh, Leah sank onto the bed, feeling the stiff mattress deny her the ability to be comfortable. She once again let her head be held up by her hand as she just sat there and did nothing.

… It was funny. Something had been gnawing at her mind ever since she had entered the mansion and she felt it was a good enough time then ever to figure out what it was.

It wasn’t the torn and blurred pages, no matter how weird it seemed. People did odd things, nothing wrong about that. It also wasn’t the burning smell that had bugged her downstairs. She didn’t know how long smells like that were supposed to last, but she was sure nothing was on fire. Hmm. Whatever had been bugging her had been doing so ever since she had stepped in the haunted house.

The people, she supposed. She would have thought that an old mansion like the one she was in would be gotten rid of ages ago. Or at least bought by someone who liked weird, creepy houses. It just didn’t make sense. Where were all the people? Not only that, but where were all the Pokemon? Abandoned places were the perfect homes for wild Pokemon and in a storm like the one outside, the place should be crawling with Rattata.

Yes, that was the thing that had been bugging her. Where was everyone?

Shifting, she sat up straight and eyed the room. It was surprising that no had ever entered the mansion. The rocks on the shelves, the elemental ones, they could have been sold for money or used on Pokemon. There were probably lots of things that could have been sold, but they were just left behind to rot.

Leah got up and went over the shelves again. She stepped over the sleeping Sandshrew and got right up close. The stones were really pretty and they shone when her flashlight flashed over them. But it was then when she noticed something. A small thing, something that she had always overlooked, but with her flashlight, it made it obvious. She breathed out of her mouth again and watched the few specks of dust on the rocks to lift into the air. They danced, completely visible in the light.

The dust. Why was there so little dust?

“Sands,” Leah spoke softly as she shone her flashlight on the other stones. There was no dust on them and she could see the dust-free fingerprints on the shelf. It stood out horribly and she wondered how she could’ve missed it. There was no dust on the banister or the stairs when she came in either. Also, there was none on the desk or the paper in the study. She never found herself coughing over the fifty years worth of dust.

Then she remembered the thumping noise that had led her to Sands. Her Pokemon wasn’t clumsy and she knew that there was no way that it could have knocked the Fire Stone off the shelf by itself. The sound came vaguely from her right. Well, was it from straight from her right or down from her right?

“Sands,” she repeated as Sands cracked open an eye. There was an urgent tone in her voice and it couldn’t be ignored.

“You know what? I don’t think we’re alone in the house.”





Outside, the storm raged on.





A/N: Hey guys, I have a question, though it’s hard to explain. In a sentence, for something laying on the ground, would you use ‘laying’ or ‘lying’? It’s a question that’s been bugging me for a while and I suppose now’s a good time to get an answer.

Also, do you guys think there’s something wrong with the chapter? Like pacing issues or maybe illogical character actions…? I have to ask this because there’s something bugging me about the chapter, but I can’t tell what (except for the sucky conclusion).
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Last edited by Dagzar; April 11th, 2009 at 03:03 PM.
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  #54    
Old April 4th, 2009, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Dagzar View Post
Sighing, she took out Sands' Pokeball from her pocket and held it up to her face.
This was another good chapter. I really liked the creepiness factor you added to it, and the only error I could find was the one quoted. When a name ends with an S (Alexis, Sands, Helios, and so on) you use the last letter as if it were the second part of the 's and put an apostrophe at the end of the word. ;D
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Old April 4th, 2009, 08:06 AM
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Quote:
It wasn’t the best excuse, especially since she was the one that wanted that wanted to leave so badly, but how could she know that she was going to get caught in up in a freaking storm?
That Is the only mistake that jumped out at me.

Quote:
A/N: Hey guys, I have a question, though it’s hard to explain. In a sentence, for something laying on the ground, would you use ‘laying’ or ‘lying’? It’s a question that’s been bugging me for a while and I suppose now’s a good time to get an answer.

Also, do you guys think there’s something wrong with the chapter? Like pacing issues or maybe illogical character actions…? I have to ask this because there’s something bugging me about the chapter, but I can’t tell what (except for the sucky conclusion).
Correct me if I'm wrong, but "laying" would be correct, because "lying" is the act of telling a lie.

And I did not see anything wrong with the chapter.
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  #56    
Old April 4th, 2009, 08:51 AM
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Dagzar
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Quote:
This was another good chapter. I really liked the creepiness factor you added to it, and the only error I could find was the one quoted. When a name ends with an S (Alexis, Sands, Helios, and so on) you use the last letter as if it were the second part of the 's and put an apostrophe at the end of the word. ;D

Thanks, Giratinasaur! Heh, that was another grammar issue I was thinking about since I stupidly nicknamed the Sandshrew ‘Sands’. Stupid possession grammar always gets me. I’m glad you thought it was creepy since I’ve never written that type of stuff before. And man, was it fun to write!

Quote:
That Is the only mistake that jumped out at me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but "laying" would be correct, because "lying" is the act of telling a lie.

And I did not see anything wrong with the chapter.
Thanks for reviewing, Buoysel! Okay, since I’ve been using ‘laying’ throughout the story, I haven’t been making a mistake. Excellent!
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  #57    
Old April 4th, 2009, 01:01 PM
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It's "lying." When you're talking about something resting on something, or reclining in a horizontal position, that's "lie." It doesn't take a direct object. If you're placing an object somewhere, i.e. laying it down, then "lay" is the verb that you use. You can only use it in conjunction with an object.

So:

Quote:
You can’t lay here all day and I really don’t want to return you to your Pokeball.
Incorrect; there is no object, so it should be "lie." There should also be a comma after "day."

Quote:
Ally likewise sat on a bed, but at least she was not tired enough to lay down on her bag.
Correct; "her bag" is the object. Kinda funny because the comma in this sentence is correctly placed, and is required for the same reason that should be one in the first quoted sentence.
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Old April 4th, 2009, 07:00 PM
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delongbi
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You know how it goes, grammar errors first.

Quote:
Or, that was what Leah kept telling herself.
This sentence flows better without the comma.

Quote:
She couldn’t see, she could hear (not that it would’ve helped anyways) and she couldn’t even run anymore, though that one was more her fault then the rain’s.
I think you meant couldn't hear, not could hear. Also, then should be than.

Quote:
Oh, what she would do to get out of the weather?
When you read this sentance, it does not sound like it is a question. I think the '?' should be a period...

Quote:
Uh oh, if she bored enough to play games with a Pokemon, then she was in trouble.
If she was bored enough

Anyway, this was a great (but creepy) chapter. Even though you freaked me out several times, I enjoyed the thrill. You'd probably be a great horror writer (but if this turns into a horror fic, I'm leaving... I can't deal with too much creepy)- You're a little too good at it, lol.

Quote:
It was completely dried up and looked like it had been like that for a long time.
Yeah, and that's where I would leave.

When Sands went missing, I was reminded of I am legend...

Quote:
Sands opened its eyes into slits, but closed them again, uninterested in its trainer.
I'm seeing some similarities between trainer and Pokemon...

Nice chapter! Can't wait for more!
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Old April 4th, 2009, 07:38 PM
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Thanks for the grammar advice, Buoysel! Since I’ve substituted ‘laying’ for ‘lying’ several times throughout the story, I better go back and do some much need editing!

And thanks, delongbi! I’ll have to correct those errors when I go back to fix my ‘laying’ problem. Heh, and don’t worry, this story isn’t a horror one (though it may seem like it at times). Though, I suppose I’ll say that the next chapter will have some creepiness, but then the story should go back to its generalness. Somewhat.
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Last edited by Dagzar; April 5th, 2009 at 12:00 PM.
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  #60    
Old April 5th, 2009, 05:03 AM
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Neiko Star
Dancing rain
 
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I've been too lazy to reply lately, but your recent chapters are great! Was it creepy? I didn't really find it creepy...but maybe that's just me. (Lol, my friends at school say that I have no reaction to anything whatsoever XD)

Yeah, as the others have pointed out, it's 'laying' for objects. I've had trouble with that verb too. There also some minor grammar mistakes and typos, but the overall story is great. I would just advise re-reading your chapter before posting it.

Then again, I never do that...so yeah. xD
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Old April 5th, 2009, 07:45 AM
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Dagzar
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Thanks Neiko Star!

Quote:
I've been too lazy to reply lately, but your recent chapters are great! Was it creepy? I didn't really find it creepy...but maybe that's just me. (Lol, my friends at school say that I have no reaction to anything whatsoever XD)
Heh, you’re the same as me with non-reacting at horror and such. Horror movies, when I actually watch them, don’t scare me at all like most things don’t (though, put a spider in front of me and it’s a whole different matter ).

Quote:
Yeah, as the others have pointed out, it's 'laying' for objects. I've had trouble with that verb too. There also some minor grammar mistakes and typos, but the overall story is great. I would just advise re-reading your chapter before posting it.

Then again, I never do that...so yeah. xD
Yeah, not re-reading my chapter before posting is a bad habit of mine. I do try to do it sometimes, but I usually start skimming and missing things. Sometimes, I think I’m way too impatient when posting my chapter.
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"After being saddled with two ten-year-old brats and being sent out on her long overdue Pokemon journey, she can’t help but wonder… is it worth it?"

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  #62    
Old April 5th, 2009, 08:19 AM
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Neiko Star
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Originally Posted by Dagzar View Post
Yeah, not re-reading my chapter before posting is a bad habit of mine. I do try to do it sometimes, but I usually start skimming and missing things. Sometimes, I think I’m way too impatient when posting my chapter.
Ahaha, you're exactly like me. The second I finish typing, I post it. And about the spider thing, I like have this reflex to jump everytime I see a worm. XD
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  #63    
Old April 6th, 2009, 08:34 AM
gooner
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i read ur story last nite and it was ace, its inspired me 2 rite my own (wen i get some free time).
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Old April 6th, 2009, 11:55 AM
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Loved this chapter, but does it have to be a two-parter? Just, experience has taught me that when you break stuff up, it destroys your story more often than not (at least that's what through me off in my last version of Dark Nostalgia).
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Old April 6th, 2009, 02:39 PM
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Dagzar
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Ahaha, you're exactly like me. The second I finish typing, I post it. And about the spider thing, I like have this reflex to jump everytime I see a worm. XD
*shivers* I used to play with worms and spiders when I was little, but now, I can’t really look at them without freezing. At least with worms, I don’t have to fear finding them climbing up my bedroom walls.
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i read ur story last nite and it was ace, its inspired me 2 rite my own (wen i get some free time).
Thanks for reviewing, gooner! I’m glad I inspired you. I hope you story comes out well.

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Loved this chapter, but does it have to be a two-parter? Just, experience has taught me that when you break stuff up, it destroys your story more often than not (at least that's what through me off in my last version of Dark Nostalgia).
Thanks, Skunter! I would love it if I didn’t have to break up chapters (as it breaks the mood), but chapter six was over 4000 words and chapter seven is already over 3400 words (and it’s not even close to being finished)! I find that very long chapters can be a hassle to read at times and some people (like me) start skimming if it gets too long.
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Old April 6th, 2009, 02:42 PM
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True...but it's really freaky when you see them wriggling around half-squished in the streets on rainy days.
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Old April 8th, 2009, 02:01 PM
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i forgot to mention that i would put it in the top 5 i've read (including other anime fanficts)
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Old April 10th, 2009, 01:29 PM
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Dagzar
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Mentor
Chapter 7: Lost (part two)




“What should we do, Sands?” Leah asked her Pokemon quietly as she leaned against the wall of the bedroom, where she hopefully couldn’t be seen by anyone. Her eyes glanced back to the door, which she left ajar, and her ears prickled to the sound of Sands yawning in response. Her body tensed and she found herself frustrated by the lack of attention.

“Be serious,” she hissed at it. “This is important!”

Sands didn’t seem to think so as it put its head back on the fire stone, eyes closed.

Sighing in exasperation, Leah took one last look at the door before abandoning her hiding spot and stiffly walking over to her Sandshrew. She bent down and wrapped her hands around Sands’s middle. Sands tried to curl into itself and get rid of the intruding hands, but it was in vain as the trainer lifted the Pokemon into her arms. The ground type made a mournful yowl as the Fire Stone slipped from its clawed grasp and landed on the floor with a thump.

“Stop kicking me!” Leah said as she held her Pokemon tighter, despite its struggles for escape. Sands growled softly in warning when its trainer wound one of her arms around the area of its neck and as the limb started to tighten, the Sandshrew suddenly bit down on the flesh with its tiny fangs.

The trainer swore as she immediately half-dropped and half-threw the Pokemon away from her. Sands landed on its side and let out a yelp before getting up and scampering back to the Fire Stone, its teeth bloody. Leah cradled her arm and accessed the damage before glaring at the Pokemon.

“Your lucky my jacket took most of that,” she threatened. “Seriously. It’s just a Fire Stone. It’s not that cold out! You don’t need it.”

Her hand found the semi-familiar feel of her Pokeball and she let the beam of red light immaterialize Sands, who didn’t notice what was happening until it happened.

“Stupid Pokemon,” Leah muttered as she put the sphere back into her pocket.

She sighed; her anger vanishing until she just felt tired.

Okay, she had to face the facts. Someone was in the house with her (probably). She didn’t know who it was and her only weapon was a flashlight and a misbehaving Pokemon who couldn’t even beat a baby Paras. Leaving the house wasn’t an option since she refused to face the storm, and there wasn’t anything she could do about that.

Her only options? Stay where she was and hope that no one would come upstairs and find her. Pros: she didn’t have to move and she didn’t think there was any reason for anyone to suddenly come upstairs (except for the expensive stones). Cons: she had no clue when the storm would end, there was no lock on the door (she checked) and she really didn’t like being in the room.

Leah swallowed and looked at the window hopefully. The window, as if sensing her misplaced hope, cheerfully showed the rain coming down harder than ever and it silently promised that the rain wouldn’t stop any time soon.

Damn it. What was she supposed to do?

Leave, her mind supplied. Not the house, but the room. There was another door, just outside in the hall, and it looked strong. Maybe it even had a lock on it, but was conveniently unlocked, just for her. And even then, there was another hallway with more doors. There was bound to be a room she could hide in that wasn’t as creepy as the one she was currently in.

Leah took one last look around the room. The calm blue glow that the outside light produced didn’t ease the situation. It was like the room was in the eye of the storm and it made her wary. The whole house was like a well-kept museum with a past that somehow refused to be forgotten.

Slowly and quietly, she went to the door and peered down the hallway, her cheek pressed against the doorframe. Her eyes spotted the door she was looking for and it was still closed, its solid frame seemingly beckoning her to open it to find out what was inside. It was funny, she thought. Just for a moment, she had expected the door to be open. Isn’t that what always happened in the movies?

The coast was clear, so she made her way over to the door and lightly grasped the handle. It turned, slowly but surely. It was unlocked and she held her breath and she kept her free hand wound around her Pokeball. She pushed the door open and coughed as dust came drifting out of it. Her eyes closed against her will and she struggled to open them again, but when she did, it didn’t help.

The room was so dark she couldn’t see inside. The only things she could see were vague outlines of what could have been furniture. Her hand fumbled with the flashlight before turning it on. Though, once the light was on, she found herself standing nervously in the doorway, trying to use the light to gain a perspective on the room.

The room didn’t look very big and, surprisingly, it wasn’t another bedroom like she expected. Nope, it was just a room with dust-covered chairs and a coffee table. It didn’t seem all that special and since the whole room was simply covered in dust, she didn’t think that anyone had bothered to go in for a long time. She even doubted that the door had been opened.

As she stood there, she reminded herself that she could always send Sands out and go in first if she didn’t feel like it. That way, if there was something dangerous, nothing bad would happen to her. But, she also thought, she wasn’t a coward and didn’t need to get a weak, little Pokemon to go in first. She could do it. All she had to do was walk in and check it out. It wasn’t that hard.

The door, she found, didn’t have a lock on it and she felt a bit foolish to think that it would have. Maybe if the house was a bit more modern it would have one, but with it being as old as it was, she didn’t think any of the doors except for the ones that went outside would have a lock.

She took a few steps forward and entered the room. Dust floated in the air and gave her the urge to hold her breath, just so she wouldn’t inhale any. Her flashlight illuminated every speck of the room: the corners, behind the chairs, under the table… but luckily, she didn’t find a single thing. It was completely normal.

Clear, she thought to herself in relief.

Suddenly, she heard a tiny noise, a creaking sound. It wasn’t much, but she felt her body tensing and her heart starting to speed up. She brought her Pokeball out into the open and held it out as a silent threat. She took a step back, but froze when she heard the tell-tale creak again. This time, it was louder with a couple small cracks accompanying it. Her flashlight spun around the room, light flashing to every corner as she twisted her body around without moving her feet.

Crack!

Again! Damn it. Where was it coming from? She tried to calm herself down as she listened deeply, straining her ears to pinpoint the location of the sound. It echoed around her and she vaguely wondered whether it was some type of ghost Pokemon causing it. Though, it didn’t matter as when another crack sounded to her immediate right, she found herself unwilling stepping back again.

Another creak sounded, but this one was different as it dragged out until it evolved into a loud, terrifying crackle.

Leah got a sinking feeling in her chest and just happened to look down. Under the light and under her feet, the weak and worn floorboards cracked, showing the thin, devastating lines that spider webbed across it. With every crackle, the lines grew and spread out, like braches of a tree.

In the seconds that followed, Leah’s mind wondered if the cracks were the reason the person in the mansion had never come into the room. It had been fifty years. It was a wonder that the other floors weren’t in such a sorry state of decay as the one under her.

In one movement, she tried to throw herself backwards and off the splintering lines, but found herself unable to when the floor collapsed around her. Suddenly, the only thing holding her up was air and she felt a weightless feeling. Unfortunately, it only lasted a split-second as gravity took a hold of her and she fell.




“Ouch…” Leah groaned as she came back into the waking world. Her head spun and she mourned the loss of being unconscious. She would have stayed where she was because she didn’t feel like moving, but a thing was poking sharply at her back. It was uncomfortable and annoying, so she got up.

As she sat up, she felt the odd and slightly nauseous sensation of her world spinning on its axis and when she opened her eyes, the feeling just got worse. Her hand blindly groped around to where she was laying and she pulled out a small piece of floorboard. It was cracked and its edges were sharp, which explained why it was so uncomfortable to lay on.

Her dull gray eyes looked around. The room she was in was unfamiliar to her. The walls were stone gray and had hairline cracks along the bottom. The floor was made of cold, hard cement and it was covered dust and pieces of wood. A few chairs were lying splinted around the floor, their legs and backs broken. There was even the old coffee table, cracked along its middle, lying almost right next to her. If she landed even a few feet then where she had really fallen, she could’ve been smacked by a table. Ouch.

Oddly, for such an abandoned place, there was a dim light coming from a single door that was ajar, on the other side of the room. Leah would’ve guessed that someone might be in there (maybe the mysterious person in the house?), but anyone, except for a deaf person, would hear a floor caving in and would check it out. If no one did, then no one was there.

Maybe the person in the house left a light on before leaving or something? How long was she out for?

Leah felt like she had better get up. As she did so, she winced at her ripped and bloodstained pants. When she got upright, a sharp pain made its way up her body from her leg when she put some pressure on it. Her vision blurred slightly and she grimaced at the feeling of wanting to throw up.

After she got her bearings, she groaned quietly. Just what she needed. Not only was she trapped in a haunted house, but she was injured too? Unfair.

There weren’t any other entrances and exits in the room that she could see, only the lit door. She checked and made sure her Pokeball was still safely in her pocket before she shuffled to the door, wincing at every step her pain-filled leg took. She leaned on the door for a moment before pushing it open and glancing into the next room.

A single light bulb with no protective covering shone down from the ceiling. It was a bit brighter than she thought it would be, but as she looked around, she really, really wished that she could turn the light off. There were a few tables on the side of the room, pushed against the wall and on them, old machines that looked like they hadn’t worked for a long time. On one of the tables, there was a deep and smooth slash that seemed to have been made by a giant claw; something like a Kabutops or a Scyther.

There were more slashes on the walls. They sunk deep into the concrete, like it was made of butter and the claw-marks sometimes overlapped with each other. But that wasn’t all; not at all. On the floor, in the middle of the room, was a cage; though, that was as far as the resemblance went. The twisted metal lied on a ragged, red-checkered cloth and was colored burnt silver. The bars were wildly out of shape and they were wrapped around each other in a loving embrace. The base of the cage seemed only big enough to fit something like a Rhyhorn and the cage ceiling couldn’t even be described since it was no where to be seen.

Overall, it didn’t look like a pretty place.

“What the hell…?” Leah gaped as she stood frozen in the doorway. It became apparent to her that she probably looked silly just standing there, but it was hard to keep from staring. The scene looked like something straight out of a horror movie. It was like the mad scientist’s evil lab where he conducted his evil experiments and generally did evil stuff.

Though this…? This was beyond even that.

“Did someone resurrect a Kabutops or something?” she asked herself as she held her Pokeball like a lifeline. She took a couple steps forward, but immediately wished she hadn’t. When standing in the doorway, she was only able to see around three fourths of the room, but now she could see what she hadn’t beforehand.

It wasn’t anything spectacular, it was just a statue. Though it was the most lifelike statue she had ever seen in her entire life and that was saying something. It had a general cat-shaped body, but was standing in a position like a human. It had a head shaped like an upside-down triangle with two pointed ears and two long, bushy, mustache-like whiskers. It was standing on two short legs with clawed feet and had two armor-like shoulder pads. At its back was a long and fat tail that was stretched out behind it. Its two clawed hands were held out in front of it, both holding onto the same spoon that was pointing at the cage.

It looked in remarkable condition, but that wasn’t the reason Leah was staring at it. The Pokemon looked like it was defending itself from… something. It looked scared, like it couldn’t win.

It did bring up a question though. Why was a statue of a Kadabra doing in the lab of an abandoned mansion?

Unless…

‘-Kadabra has warned me that it is going to rain for the next few days and my dear psychic type has nary been wrong-’

‘-hit Kadabra-’

Leah’s hand uncertainly reached out, trembling, as if to touch the lifeless statue.

It was impossible, but yet…

“Excuse me, miss?”

Instantly, Leah pulled back her hand in a snap and whirled around, Pokeball ready to be thrown and a command at her lips.

The old man took a step back and held his hands up in surrender, an apologetic expression on his face. “Sorry to startle you. I didn’t expect to see anyone else down here.”

“What?” Leah said, confused, her Pokeball still ready for action. “Who’re you?”

“My name’s Benjamin Chambers,” the old man explained. “I’m the professor that works here.” The so-called Professor Chambers did look pretty book-ish from Leah’s point-of-view. He had thick glasses and thinning gray hair. His buttoned up white coat dripped water onto the floor and was partly see-through due to being wet.

“Wait… what? You’re a professor?” Leah couldn’t help but be confused. Was the man in front of her the mysterious intruder that had been making that noise and pretty much causing all her anxiously? “What’re you doing here for?

“I should be asking you the same question, but I suppose anyone would want to take shelter from a storm like this one.”

The comment was spot on and Leah’s eyes narrowed as alarm bells rang in her head. “How’d you know I came in because of the storm?”

The old man chucked warmly. “Well, it wasn’t very hard. Your clothes are damp and you have mud on your boots. Besides, people rarely enter the mansion and that’s only to either get out of the weather or to find Pokemon that might live here.”

“Oh.” Her mental alarm bells had turned off and she felt a bit embarrassed. Though the feeling disappeared quickly as she remembered where she was exactly.

She pointed at the statue beside her. “What’s with this?” Then she motioned to the cage and slash marks. “And with those?”

The professor sighed to himself and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m not exactly sure, but they’re the reason I’m here. I’m trying to figure out what Pokemon caused it. Unfortunately, I’m not having the best of luck.”

“So… this,” Leah said, looking at the statue. “Wasn’t always like… that?”

“I don’t think so. Actually, I’m pretty certain that it was once a living Kadabra, though I can’t prove it.” He changed the subject. “Judging by the question, I say you read those papers on the second floor?”

“Yeah. What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” the professor repeated and looked a bit apologetic.

“Huh.” Leah frowned and tried to turn her attention away from the statue. She really didn’t want to look at it since she couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be alive one moment, eating and breathing, then to be immobile and stone the next.

“Why don’t you come upstairs,” the old man said, finding nothing else to talk about. “You don’t look too well, though I don’t think anyone would after falling through a floor.”

“You heard?” Leah asked as she followed the professor back into the other room.

The professor carefully walked around a chair, careful not to step onto any of the bigger pieces of floorboard. “Not really. I was outside, enjoying the storm. Actually, my Magneton was enjoying it and I mostly just stood there. It was really surprising when I walked back inside to find that the ceiling collapsed.”

“There’s another door? I didn’t see any.”

“It’s hard to see in the dark.” The professor motioned to the gray colored door that blended perfectly in the wall, but was visible now that there was more than a little of light. He held it open for her and Leah dully went first to see a small and thin hallway seemingly squeezed between the walls. As they walked along the corridor, the pain in her leg burned, as if to remind her that it still existed. At the end of the hallway, she pushed open another door to find herself in a hallway adjoined to the entrance of the mansion.

They stood in silence before the stairs, the rain humming from above. Leah found herself disappointed the rain still hadn’t stopped and she now more then ever wanted to just go back outside.

“What do you think of the mansion?” the professor asked her, breaking the quiet.

Leah was pulled out of her thoughts. “Huh? Oh, I dunno. Seems creepy and old.”

“Most people think that. Did you see the bloody handprint upstairs?”

“Yeah. Do you know what caused it?” The phrase was getting a bit redundant.

“Not yet, but I hope I’ll find out soon.”

Silence.

“So,” Leah started, “you’re studying this mansion?” She was curious, despite herself.

“Yes,” the professor said. “Though I’m mostly studying the thing that caused the scene downstairs. Whatever it was has to be powerful.”

“Is it a new Pokemon?” She tried to imagine the Pokemon, one with blades and the power to turn flesh to stone, but couldn’t.

“I’m certain of it since I can’t think of any Pokemon that can bend bars, have huge claws and can turn a Pokemon to stone. Well, maybe a Groudon, but those have long since been extinct-”

Leah tuned out the professor at that point as something had caught her attention. Was it a trick of the ears or was the rain lessening just a bit? It certainly wasn’t the roar she had been hearing beforehand. It was more like a pitter-patter sound, a welcome change from the previously angry weather.

“-or something like that.” The professor stopped talking and seemed to catch onto the same line of thought she was having. “I think the rain is letting up.”

“Finally!” Leah said, a small smile coming onto her features. She really, really wanted to leave. She had had enough of the spooky mansion to last a lifetime, at least.

Then something occurred to her.

“Hey, uh, professor?” Leah asked and continued, “what’s that smell?”

“The smell?”

“Yeah, the burning one.”

“Oh, Oh!” the old man said, looking a bit embarrassed. “That’s the repel I put down this morning. It keeps the wild Pokemon from making their home here. It’s only in this area that I put it down, so it wouldn’t bother me while I work. Though, the smell is horrid, isn’t it?”

Leah snorted. “That’s for sure. I suppose that means that Sands had another reason after all.”

“Who’s Sands?”

She mentally jumped as she didn’t intend the say the last bit out loud. “My Sandshrew. It completely ignored me and went upstairs to sleep in the kid’s bedroom.”

“Does it do that often?”

“Yeah, but I thought it was just cold or something.”

The professor stared at her for a moment from behind his glasses. “You don’t really like your Sandshrew, do you?”

“Why do you care?” Leah asked rudely, not willing to talk about her Pokemon. The rain would stop soon, she’d leave and soon after, she could go back home and forget about this little adventure.

“It puzzles me,” he admitted as he took off his glasses and put them in his pocket. “I don’t often talk to Pokemon trainers, but whenever I do, most of them seem to carry a great deal of affection for their Pokemon.”

Leah shrugged. “Well I don’t. There’s probably lots of people who don’t. What does it matter?”

“Because, despite you calling your Pokemon an ‘it’, your Sandshrew sports a nickname. Sands, was it? If you didn’t care about your Pokemon, why did you name it?”

Leah didn’t reply, a memory swelling over her ears.

“Your name is going to be Sands, okay? Sands is a special name, a unique one. You’re not a Sandshrew anymore, you’re a Sands. One of a kind! Grandma says that if I name you, we can become close friends and be like that forever. And that’s what we’re going to do, no if, ands or buts! Got it, Sands?”

Then the only thing she could hear was the rain.

“My grandmother told me to,” Leah said shortly. “Besides, I was ten. All ten-year-olds want their Pokemon to be special.”

“Isn’t your Pokemon special?”

She shook her head. “Nope. Sands is stupid, lazy, selfish and can hardly beat a Rattata. Hardly even likes me. It’s just a weak, average Pokemon.”

“Then can I give you some advice?” the professor asked calmly before continuing. “Don’t ignore me if this sounds cliché, but if you want your Pokemon to be strong and like you, why don’t you try doing the same thing?”

“Be strong and be nice to Sands?” Leah asked skeptically. “Why?”

“Basically, If you show your Pokemon encouragement and spend time with it, it will do its best to be loyal and follow your commands since it won’t want to disappoint you.”

“Yeah?” she said and she was surprised at herself for actually starting to consider what the old man was saying. “But I’m only going to be training for like, another week. What does it matter?”

“Pokemon isn’t just for a journey,” he said. “But for life. If you nurture the bond between you and your Pokemon, it will always stay loyal and who knows? Maybe it will come in handy one day.”

Suddenly, a ringing sound went off, the shrill and persistent noise making Leah jump. The professor stayed calm, however, and took out an old black cell phone from his pocket. He looked at the main screen for a moment before turning to Leah.

“Sorry,” he said to her in an apologetic tone, pressing one hand against the speaker, muffling the sound. “I have to take this call.”

Without another word, he hurried off, back down the corridor to the lab.

And Leah was left alone with the sound of the rain.

“… Handy, huh?” she said quietly to herself, going over the man’s words. “Never needed it before.”

Until now, that is.





Her boots splashed in the wet mud as she made her way out of the mansion’s yard. Her hood was down and she felt the unpleasant sensation of the chilled wind blowing into her face. The rain had stopped, but the clouds were still hovering in the air, just waiting for her to get in the middle of the forest before dropping their cargo.

She really didn’t want to be walking under a cloudy sky, but she didn’t have much choice. It was either take the chance of quickly walking back to the Pokemon Center or wait another half-hour in the mansion for the off chance that the clouds would go away.

Her choice was obvious.

The professor had never come back from his phone call and she refused to stick around to say goodbye. Reluctantly, she had taken a slight detour before leaving and she hoped she didn’t regret it.

The professor’s advice, despite being uncalled for, made her do a little thinking. If she and Sands were going to be stuck together, then she would rather have it- him obeying her. And hey, she had to look on the bright side. If she was nice to Sands and actually trained him, she would get a loyal and powerful servant at her beck and call.

“Why didn’t I ever consider this before?” Leah asked to the sky, which only replied with a slight rumble.

She redirected her question to her Pokemon. “Do you know why, Sands?”

Sands only shivered slightly and his claws dug into her jacket as Leah’s hands held him to her chest.

“Hey,” Leah scolded. “Don’t go all silent on me, Sands. This is our bonding time. You should be happy of what I’ve done for you so far. I’ve let you out of your Pokeball and I’m actually holding you.” She paused and warned, “By the way, you better not drop that Fire Stone. I technically stole that for you and it wouldn’t be nice if my gift to you was damaged.”

The swirls of the red and orange stone glowed slightly as Sand’s free paw leaned against it as the rock was wedged between his and Leah’s bodies. The warmth the stone and Sands’ body gave off was comforting in a way she couldn’t describe. Though she didn’t admit that, of course.

“We’d better hurry, Sands,” Leah said as she glanced at the sky. “The clouds aren’t looking too good and I hate to get caught in the rain again.”

She heard Sands whimper in reply and nodded.

“Yeah, that would suck.”




A/N: Gods, I hated this chapter. I did like writing some parts, but wow, I never knew I could hate dialogue that much. And don’t get me started on the beginning. Stupid beginning. I was going to finally reveal Leah’s past in this chapter, but when I noticed that the word count was already over 4600, I decided to move it a few chapters ahead.
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Last edited by Dagzar; April 11th, 2009 at 02:55 PM. Reason: Fixing grammar mistakes.
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Old April 10th, 2009, 03:10 PM
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Neiko Star
Dancing rain
 
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Nature: Impish
A few typos, but good chapter. It's great to see Leah finally trying to bond with Sands. Can't wait for next week!

(Also, a little piece of advice: I've noticed that sometimes, you forget words. So, I would suggest re-reading each sentence after you've typed it. It's a lot easier than reviewing your whole chapter, and it works too.)
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  #70    
Old April 10th, 2009, 03:59 PM
Dagzar's Avatar
Dagzar
The Dreamer
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
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Nature: Relaxed
Thanks for the advice, Neiko!

Quote:
A few typos, but good chapter. It's great to see Leah finally trying to bond with Sands. Can't wait for next week!
Yup! It was a bit of a relief, actually, to finally be able to refer Sands as a boy. It got really annoying to always refer to him as an ‘it’ and it always got me confused.

Quote:
(Also, a little piece of advice: I've noticed that sometimes, you forget words. So, I would suggest re-reading each sentence after you've typed it. It's a lot easier than reviewing your whole chapter, and it works too.)
I have tried using that method before, but I always run into the problem of rereading what I intended to say, rather than what’s actually there. Heh, but I have found my own solution in the form of the grammar check on Microsoft Word. I usually have the grammar check off since the green lines get really annoying, but I was astonished to see that it almost caught all those mistakes.

Anyways, I’ll reread the chapter again and correct all those errors right now.
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Last edited by Dagzar; April 10th, 2009 at 04:14 PM.
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Old April 10th, 2009, 06:00 PM
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Neiko Star
Dancing rain
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Nature: Impish
Yay. Also, sometimes, when I try to write a phrase, this is what I do: I write what I want to, then I continue writing about a few more lines. Then, I add more description and stuff, and I take words off or add some stuff to make the sentence sound smoother and less wordy. That could work for you, since I've noticed that sometimes your phrases become awkward to read somewhere in the middle of the sentence. It's really just about evening everything and trying to make a nice flow with your words. If it soundes nice to you, chances are it'll sound nice to your readers too.
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Old April 10th, 2009, 08:28 PM
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delongbi
I C U
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Possibly in a tree
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This was a pretty good chapter- it was interesting, as least. There were a lot of grammar errors though. I highly recommend checking over your work another time before you submit it. I also agree with Neiko; sometimes your sentences are a bit wordy. Writing a paragraph and then rereading it could help. Anyway- grammar...

Quote:
She sighed, her anger vanishing until she just felt tired.
The comma should technically be a ;

Quote:
The window, as if sensing her misplaced hope, cheerfully showed the rain coming down harder then ever and it silently promised that the rain wouldn’t stop any time soon.
When making a comparison, than is used; not then.

Quote:
Slowly and hopefully quiet, she went to
Should be quietly.

Quote:
The room was so dark, she couldn’t see inside.
The comma is unneeded. "So" almost never needs a comma.

Quote:
If no one did, then no heard it and then there was no one there.
No one. Also, this sentence is awkward.

Quote:
When she got upright, A sharp pain made its way up her body from her leg when she put some pressure on it.
a, not A

Quote:
. It was a bit brighter then she thought
THAN!!!

I didn't love this chapter, but it was not particularly bad. I think it was necessary.

Anyway, I'm still reading! Keep up the good writing!
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  #73    
Old April 10th, 2009, 09:09 PM
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Dagzar
The Dreamer
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Yay. Also, sometimes, when I try to write a phrase, this is what I do: I write what I want to, then I continue writing about a few more lines. Then, I add more description and stuff, and I take words off or add some stuff to make the sentence sound smoother and less wordy. That could work for you, since I've noticed that sometimes your phrases become awkward to read somewhere in the middle of the sentence. It's really just about evening everything and trying to make a nice flow with your words. If it sounds nice to you, chances are it'll sound nice to your readers too.

Sometimes I use that method when I’m going over the chapter, adding and getting rid of stuff. I’ll see if I can use that method more in the future, though. Thanks!

Quote:
This was a pretty good chapter- it was interesting, as least. There were a lot of grammar errors though. I highly recommend checking over your work another time before you submit it. I also agree with Neiko; sometimes your sentences are a bit wordy. Writing a paragraph and then rereading it could help.

Thanks for the review, delongbi!

*sighs* I think I’m going to have to keep a very close eye on later chapters because these errors are very annoying. Yeah, I’m definitely going to put much more work in rereading things. I’ll also try to cut down on the unnecessary words.

Quote:
I didn't love this chapter, but it was not particularly bad. I think it was necessary.

Anyway, I'm still reading! Keep up the good writing!

Yeah, I didn’t expect much from this chapter either. I don’t think I set the mood right and I have a feeling that the characterization was out of whack, but it will set some events into motion and I suppose that’s good enough. Though I have to say, I’m pretty optimistic on the next chapter as it’s turning out really well so far. :D
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  #74    
Old April 11th, 2009, 05:01 AM
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Neiko Star
Dancing rain
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Nature: Impish
You know, Leah's so much like my RP character, whenever I try to imagine her I imagine my character. 0_0 But aggressive personalities are fun to write...
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  #75    
Old April 11th, 2009, 08:20 AM
Dagzar's Avatar
Dagzar
The Dreamer
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my dreams.
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
You know, Leah's so much like my RP character, whenever I try to imagine her I imagine my character. 0_0 But aggressive personalities are fun to write...

That’s for sure :D. Characters like Leah are just so snarky, and I just love writing her dialogue. She one of the easiest characters I’ve ever written, much easier then some other characters I know. *glares at other non-Pokemon story*
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