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  #1    
Old May 5th, 2009, 02:36 AM
Lyvee's Avatar
Lyvee
Galactic Entity
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
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So yeah....This is my fanfic.....I ask one thing though, Criticize it to death :D

Galactic Operation: Johto


Chapter 1: Lighthouse Lawlessness


Wilhelm made his way slowly down the Pier, he had just arrived from the far off land Sinnoh. After days on a less than comfortable boat he was happy to be on land, well pier. As he walked he did not give an inch to the other people who senselessly bobbed in and out of his way. His black jacket felt even tighter as it pushed into him by the strangers, he couldn't risk letting his identity slip, he didn't want people to know who he was and a hissy fit on the peer wasn't going to help. Wilhelm knew that the people of Johto were most probably blissfully unaware of Team Galactics operations and what they stood for, but didn't really want to take a chance and get caught out by some well travelled punk. He hoped he'd come across as a oddly dressed, slim and attractive man with blond, straight medium length hair that hugged his face. Just an average Joe. But, he also had a handsome facial structure which was useful for two things, seduction and as a physical manifestation of his personality, mature and sharp. Quite the gentleman. He was seen as a loner, however, in Sinnoh and amongst the other Galactics forces. It wasn't that he was a horrible person, he just didn't like the attitudes of his colleagues, they abused and treated their Pokemon unfairly. A particularly unorthodox Galactic member in his own right, he steered clear of the other goons and focused on training himself and his Honchkrow, slowly pushing himself up the ranks. He wasn't influential enough to become a commander, but was instead given the honour of being an agent, doing important missions. Alone. He wanted out now, after leaning of their real intentions. To leave, he would have to complete this mission

"Anyway back to the task at hand!" He whispered softly, so he didn't arouse suspicion and stopped, unfurling a piece of paper that he had pulled form his jacket pocket. Unfolding back the corners where they had bent the Galactic Elite looked through the list. It contained several rare Johto Pokemon. He let out a heavy sigh and walked towards the edge of the peer, vacantly looking out into the fog that was surrounding the whole port area. Brushing unnecessary hair from his eyes, believing the fog was but an illusion of sight impairment, but it wasn't.
"Ampharos! Where am I meant to get one of those things, I don't even know what it looks like". There were others the list, Tyranitar and Ursaring to name a few, but this one stood out to Wilhelm. With that thought his Belt started to shake and his only Pokemon released itself.
"Honch Honch!"
Honchkrow nestled itself on his shoulder and dug into the side of his face, obviously wanting his undivided attention. She succeeded.
"What is it Honchkrow?" Wilhelm inquired, wondering what his Pokemon had planned. The crow Sprung off his shoulder and into the air, she flapped her wings majestically and pushed the fog away. Landing back on his trainer she pointed one of her powerful wings at the manifesting lighthouse, it came forth from the fog looking as if it was moving forwards. An actual illusion this time as the fog was brushing past it. For a few moments Wilhelm stood in awe of the pristine building, how could such an old lighthouse be seemingly untouched by the elements?
"They use an Ampharos as the light?" Wilhelm guessed correctly, more than slightly confused. Honchkrow nodded and called its name with delight, happy to help her friend. Although he questioned how Honchkrow knew this, he trusted his Pokemon's judgement more than his own and decided to check the lighthouse out. As he started to move he realized the people on the pier and formed a tiny crowd around the pair, they had obviously never seen a Sinnoh Pokemon before, especially one of such prestige and grace as Honchkrow. They whispered in awe as Wilhelm pushed his way through and rolled his eyes, laughing at them.
"They should get more" he thought and continued towards the Lighthouse.



Waiting until the dark hours of the night Wilhelm crept up the to awe inspiring building and looked for an entrance, luckily behind a nearby bush there was a trap door, presumably leading to the basement. Quickly and swiftly he smashed the wooden door. He hoped that destroying it in one hit would not create as much commotion. His gamble paid off as no-one came to investigate after 5 minutes, he checked around one more time and jumped into the the hole. He made his way through the dark basement and up to the first floor with help from his torch. The first floor room was spherical and well lit, in the centre of the room was a woollen rug and several pictures of Pokemon were sown around the room. On closer inspection Wilhelm got a better look at the Pokemon, they were small and on all-fours, the animal had blue skin with wolly patches and a light on it's tail. Wilhelm quickly realized he needed to hurry up with the task at hand and proceeded up the stairs which spiralled up and around the room.
Wilhelm's tired body reached the last few steps, small droplets of sweat were running down his forehead. Glad to be at the top he quietly got back his breath and relaxed. Ahead of him was a door, which he entered. A bright light encompassed him and he took a step back, reeling from the light. His eyes adjusted and he saw the silhouette of a human-sized Pokemon, from what he could tell it was the Pokemon on the pictures. He reached into his bag, which hung loosely around him and grabbed a gun of some sort, he aimed at the pokemon and activated the trigger, firing a net which took the beast by surprise. Wilhelm walked up to his prey and knelt down next to it.
"I'm sorry" he whispered to the captured Ampharos. He truly felt guilty about the situation, normally forcefully capturing Pokemon wasn't his thing.
"You will be! Thief!" a voice cried from behind him. "Go Magnemite!"
Wilhelm turned round to see an extremely skinny women ready to battle. She had Long light brown hair with ponytails near the middle of her head, despite her frail look she looked very eager to fight.
"I choose you! Honchkrow!" Wilhelm retaliated with a slight sense of nervousness, this was his first Pokemon battle in Johto and he had already had bad type disadvantage, he would have to be strategic.
"Honchkrow, use Swagger attack!" with this the bird began to glow and it faded away, leaving the confused Magnemite floating aimlessly."Now Nasty plot", the bird flashed again with a naturally wicked look on her face.
"Hmm, try a Thundershock" The women called in desperation, only to have the metal ball fire in her direction! "Okay Honchkrow use Shadowball" Wilhelm said, he had calmed down considerably now. Honchkrow flew at top speed towards her target so it could attack at point blank range. The attack was successful and the Opponents Pokemon flew back and smashed against the wall, it lay down unconscious.
The young women sighed and grasped he next poke ball, "Go Steelix!" she screamed "By the way, I'm Jasmine, Olivine Gym Leader and I won't let you steal this Pokemon" she said pointing to the Ampharos in the net, it let out a yelp.
Oh my, a Steelix.....Darn Wilhelm thought, but he already knew how to win.
"Steelix Thunder fang!" the Steelix obeyed and launched itself at Honchkrow. Even if the attack hit the Pokemon, Honchkrow would easily shrug it off, it had been Wilhelm's only Pokemon for years, it was expertly trained. "Dodge it! and use Night Slash" the Attack landed but it wasn't critical like Wilhelm had hoped, but he went in for another attack "Assurance" He knew this would hurt if it hit. The bird Smacked the giant metallic snake, but it was not the Knockout he had wished for, it had used harden. The iron snake was trained well, but not as good as Honchkrow.
"Retaliate, use Rockthrow!" Suddenly tonnes of rocks were flung in Honchkrow's direction, hitting him. She hit the ground.
"Honch Honch!" the bird spoke with vigour and flew back into the air.
"UH! that thing should be down and out" Jasmine moaned, obviously beginning to worry "Okay use Slam to finish this off". Honchkrow was hurt but nowhere near out. The attack came straight for him, but a shield was erected in front of him, he had used Protect, the Steelix Stumbled back and Howled! "STEELIX!"
"While its distracted use Hyper Beam!" Honchkrow opened her beak and a torrent of energy was let loose towards it's giant prey. The Steelix hit the floor and roared in pain.

"Well done big guy" Jasmine panted. She turned to the Galactic member and begged "Please don't take this Pokemon, it works so hard day and night to protect those lost at sea, with it gone many will die!". Wilhelm wanted to let it be free, but his organization would kill him for a failed mission.
"Take this instead!" Jasmine ran through the door and returned with an oval shaped object. IT WAS AN EGG! " It is Ampharos's egg Please take it, just leave this place alone!". Wilhelm contemplated it, the boss wanted rare Pokemon, not an egg. "I can tell you are kind trainer, your Honchkrow is very strong, I can see this Pokemon growing fast with you, you could quickly get an Ampharos". He looked deep into her eyes, he knew it was the right thing to do, he was going to be in Johto for months and he could use a new Pokemon for the duration. "OK" he answered monotonously.
Jasmine quickly gave the egg to Wilhelm and returned to her spot, eyeing him up, unsure if his intentions were true, but suddenly the egg cracked and a "baa" could be heard from within. A head pushed its way out of the shell and revealed itself, it was the Pokemon on the pictures! " It is a Mareep, it's yours now". Fully released from its oval prison the sheep Pokemon " hugged" its new owner and gladly entered a free poke ball...
"Goodbye, Jasmine" Wilhelm politely smiled at her and left through the door. Jasmine had a strange feeling about this man, she dully sat next to Ampharos and began to untangle her..”Hmmmm”
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  #2    
Old May 7th, 2009, 04:02 AM
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Lyvee
Galactic Entity
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
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Chapter 2: Forest Fight!

Wilhelm had reached the Pokemon centre and was panting slightly, wanting to get away from the lighthouse and his crime. He had ran fast. Handing the nurse his Pokeballs, she quickly turned around and healed them, unbeknownst to her that she was helping a criminal. After the check-up he released his newest addition.
"Mareep, eep, eep!" The small animal happily exclaimed after seeing her 'parent'. Wilhelm allowed himself a quick smile, he was always glad to see a happy Pokemon. Although many of his Galactic colleagues didn't, this is what separated them. He decided he would need to start training with this Mareep as soon as he could, and prepare it for the boss. A few rebellious thoughts crossed through his mind, Cyrus would only treat Mareep badly. But he also recognized he would be treated badly too if she wasn't evolved soon. He led the Pokemon to a nearby forest, just outside of the town.. By now it was early morning and the sun had just started its slow journey across the sky, Ahead was a small Pokemon crossing the path.
"Quickly Mareep use a tackle attack!" Wilhelm whispered to the Pokemon at his side, she scrambled into action and ran full pelt into the small animal.
"Oddish! ish ish!" The small weed was knocked back and began to shout angrily, it proceeded to sprinkle spores all over Mareep, who fell asleep. Oddish pummelled Mareep with tackle over and over until it woke up. She was surprisingly resilient for a new born. Mareep skilfully pounced into the air and landed hard onto Oddish, knocking it out. Turning back to Wilhelm she "smiled", he wondered how such a small Pokemon could use an attack like body slam? Perhaps it was learnt from one of it's parents.
"Great job Mareep" Wilhelm complimented, and received a affectionate pur back, just like a delighted cat. He stroked her warm, cottony wool and they proceeded deeper into the forest.

Wilhelm and Mareep delved deeper into the forest slowly moving in out of the trees, which was a hard job for the duo as Wilhelm had to continuously check to see if his assignment was managing to keep up. The large, leafy trees arched into the path and blocked a lot of the light that tried to enter. Wilhelm had Mareep light the way with it's tail, leaving the forest in a blanket of different shades of green and brown. There was a distinct musky smell in the air, unpleasant for the both of them. The forest was the home of thousands of wild Pokemon, dirty wild Pokemon. This fact made Wilhelm very reluctant to grab hold of trees for support, he might catch something.....that wasn't a Pokemon. They headed along the 'footpath', but Mareep suddenly stopped and let out a startled noise, signalling Wilhelm to stop, which he did. He could hear something in the nearby bush gasped when he saw the "ambusher".
"Stop, hand over your Pokemon!" A child, barely ten with short brown hair had jumped from the bush and made demands to the Galactic. Wilhelm laughed lightly and politely told the boy to step aside, he didn't budge.
"If you want to do it the hard way then fine! Go Sandshrew!" The boy snarled at Wilhelm. Wilhelm's Glistening Blue eyes rolled, at least Mareep could get some training in he supposed. He nodded at the sheep and it moved forward. Although he had type disadvantage he was confident that Mareep could win, especially after his last battle.

"Sandshrew use Dig" the boy addressed his Pokemon, which promptly sank underground like a submarine in water. Wilhelm countered by telling Mareep to prepare for an attack in any direction.
"Quickly Rollout Sandshrew!" the powerful attack hit Mareep full on , she was badly injured and panting. Wilhelm began to worry, how could he hit a target that could retreat underground? He ordered an Irontail attack before the Sandshrew could compose itself, it hit for moderate damage. "Eep eep" the Pokemon yelped as it hit, happy with the damage it caused.
"Ok, Sandshrew use sand-attack, then follow up with a Rapid Spin", the sand stopped Mareep from preparing herself and she was rendered unconscious with the next attack. Wilhelm recalled the battered Pokemon and summoned his next battler, Honchkrow. Her foe was weakened, this would be easy.
"Before he can attack again use Giga Impact!" Honchkrow dove straight for the brown mouse Pokemon knocking it out with a thud. The boy ran to his Pokemon nursing it thoroughly in his hands.
"I'm sorry Sandy, I won't let you get hurt again!" the boy sobbed as he hugged his friend. Wilhelm offered him a hand after they'd both recalled their Pokemon.
"Come on, I'll take you to the Pokemon centre" he said sympathetically, suddenly the boy perked up, smiled and gladly followed Wilhelm. He'd unintentionally gained a fan......Great

Wilhelm and the boy arrived at the Pokemon centre an hour later just as the sun was setting, they both healed their Pokemon and stayed the night at the centre. The next morning breakfast was provided by Nurse Joy who had recognised Wilhelm, she had been eager to cook him some food. He wolfed down his breakfast. It was scrumptious, its taste only enhanced by the fact he hadn't ate good since arriving at Johto.
Is it OK for you?” The Pink haired women called inquisitively from her desk, she'd been watching him eat it in a strangely stalker-ish way.
Yeah....Its great!” Wilhelm said sincerely, causing the young nurse to blush and shuffle away, embarrassed. Wilhelm was baffled, all the Nurse Joys seemed to be this way around him. He turned his attention back to the boy, who was playing with his food solemnly, he had seemed uneasy since arriving at the centre.
"What's up?" the Galactic asked, not wanting the boy to be upset. He seemed hesitant to answer, but soon burst out his life story and problems upon the unsuspecting man.
"I don't know what to do, I was a thief! That's the only life I've known" He cleared his throat and kept back the tears forming in his eyes. Wilhelm felt sorry for the kid, so he too told him his own past. It was all too familiar. He'd grown up with no friend, or family. It was horrible.
"Great jumping Jigglypuff!" the boy gasped, shocked but but intrigued at the same time. After a few seconds of contemplation he added.
"I can come with you!, I know all about the Johto region... I've lived in the wilderness for the past few months. I can help you find those Pokemon, plus I can get some trainer tips from you, you're really good!" Wilhelm wanted to refuse the offer, not wanting to put the boy in danger. But he soon realized how much danger he himself be in if the boss didn't get those Pokemon, he accepted humbly.
“Okay, then lets move out!" The boy said with new found enthusiasm. “Oh....I'm Malakai by the way” With a quick goodbye to the infatuated Joy, they left.
No further than the exit, they stopped, they didn't know where where they were going. Wilhelm looked at the list and decided they should go after the Pokemon called Corsola first.
Corsola!” Malakai chirped from his side and pulled out a Pokedex.and began to fiddle around with its many buttons “They congregate at a barrier reef by Cianwood City” He pointed out to sea, which was now clearly visible. There was a small island in the distance.
How do you propose we get there?” Wilhelm asked slowly, a stupid question really considering they were in a port city. He was dense some times, he couldn't even remember they were by the sea, even with the salty air filling his nostrils with every breath. He scanned the boy, only just realising what he was wearing. A Sandshrew costume outfit, a Sandshrew themed hoodie with matching brown shorts and sandals. He also noticed the Pokedex in his hand
How'd you get that?” he asked, pointing at the electronic Encyclopaedia.
Ahhhh.....I beat some trainer for it, hehe!” Malakai giggled and stuck out his tongue, he was a feisty one. Tugging Wilhelm by the jacket he pulled him through the streets towards the main port. However, a figure stood watching, tracking their every move.

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  #3    
Old May 8th, 2009, 01:50 PM
zerwey's Avatar
zerwey
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: My evil little world....
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Wow. Great story; a unique plot line of a Galactic secret agent that's kind to Pokemon. Your grammar is perfect and so is your spelling; there is just one mistake: "no-one" should be "no one".
Otherwise, great! Your ending was good too; I can't wait for the next chapter!
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Pokémon Platinum | 1849 4303 8906
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  #4    
Old May 8th, 2009, 06:03 PM
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auragirl
Back from the dead
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Over there! Where that guy's standing!
Age: 22
Gender:
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Wow this is awesome! I like what you've done so far, i'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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"Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you critisize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes"

  #5    
Old May 9th, 2009, 02:33 AM
Lyvee's Avatar
Lyvee
Galactic Entity
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
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Nature: Sassy
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Thanks guys! Here is some more Poke-goodness.


Chapter 3: Don't Hug-A-Hoodie



Malakai and Wilhelm were stood patiently in the queue that had formed to get onto the passenger boat. They'd recently purchased tickets to Cianwood city, the location of a coral reef containing one of his contracts, Corsola. Several fisherman were in the queue and the stench of bait and fish was wafted over every few minutes, much to the Galactic's distaste. On several occasions Wilhelm had found himself gagging, and had to stop the urge to be sick. Malakai was ignoring it, too pumped up for the adventure to be distracted by the odour. He was jumping up and down on the spot, extremely unrestless.
So...I was wondering” He said quickly, he was speaking in small bursts of speech “Can I catch Corsola?” He was still jumping, but had the look of a hungry dog that wanted food. Wilhelm didn't know what to say, he wouldn't mind but he had to give the Pokemon to the boss. What if Malakai didn't want to let it go?
Hmmm, well yes....but” He was talking slow again, then began at normal pace. “You've got to let me give to my boss?” Wilhelm didn't want to deny the boy to any Pokemon, if necessary he could get his own Corsola.
Yeah, fine.....I'm part of Team Galactic now!” He chirped only to have his mouth shut by Wilhelm, who laughed before retracting his hand and placing a finger over his mouth. 'Shush'.

The queue had moved along and they were nearing the front, almost on the boat. It looked like a nicely sized yacht, enough to fit at least a few dozen on board. From what they could see there was a Pokemon battle pitch on the exterior, towards the back. Something that intrigued the young boy, he kept poking his head up to look.
Tickets please!” The stereotypical looking sailor said as they reached the front of the queue, finally. Wilhelm presented a pair of tickets from his back pocket, bought with Team Galactic funding, of which there was plenty. The tickets were approved and the Galactics were allowed on board. With one last look behind him, Wilhelm could see more fisherman, travellers and tourists but one stood out. A hooded figure, their face was darkened but familiar long fringes poked out from the front. Hmmm.

The interior of the boat was quite modest, a locker room was on board, so their inventory could be stored safely. Not that they had a lot, a few potions and healing equipment between them. Wilhelm let Malakai off on his own, it would take them an hour and a bit to get to the island anyway and he didn't want him to get rowdy sat around doing nothing. Wilhelm was sat inside on a couch area, several other travellers were inside too, sitting around, talking. He was thinking about his reward for the completion of the mission, several thousand dollars and the freedom to leave Team Galactic without repercussions. That was good enough for him. He soon became bored with his constant thinking and left for the battle area, to see if there was anything going on. He walked slowly, as always, towards the sliding double doors and proceeded outside.

Sandshrew use Slash!” Malakai called to his brown, matching Pokemon. It lunged across the pitch at an already dazed Staryu. The attack was a success and knocked the Pokemon back to its trainers feet, her face was priceless. She was a fairly well off looking woman, donning a white dress and hat, perfect for summer.
“Ugh!” She squealed and retreated inside, presumably to rest her Pokemon. Malakai ran to Wilhelm.
Did you see that? Did you? Did you?!” He said repeatedly, panting for breath afterwards like a worn out dog. Wilhelm nodded and smiled, adding a 'congratulation'. Malakai grinned cheekily.
So.....Do you think you could teach me stuff....” He began to inquire to the older and much more experienced trainer “Like how to catch a Pokemon? I was given Sandy” His face was wiped clean of its happy expression and replaced with a more sombre one, he looked down. Wilhelm pushed up the deck and towards the edge of the boat, starboard side. They both looked over the railings and towards the sea.
Sure”

If you put a Pokemon to sleep thats makes it easier to capture too” Wilhelm concluded his lesson on Pokemon Catching. Not much of collector himself, he'd seen other people do it and over the years had learnt how to do it. As he turned back to deck, everyone had gone back inside. The wind had picked up a little though. Just as he was about to turn back the hooded figure exited from the interior and walked towards them. It stopped half way across the battle pitch.
I don't know what you're up to, but I've come to keep an eye on you.” It spoke in obviously altered voice, trying to sound gritty and rough. Wilhelm stuck his hand out in front of Malakai and stepped forward curiously approaching the figure, who began to speak again.
“I know about your list, I want to make sure you succeed......Legally”. Wilhelm grimaced, who was 'it' to tell him how to do his job? He had planned on keeping illegal activity to a minimum. He was getting closer, and was within touching distance. He knew who it was.

Jasmine!?” Wilhelm said cautiously, not wanted to offend if it wasn't her, but it was. She slowly removed the hoodie and threw it to the floor, revealing a white dress with a bow and same colour sandals. Her timid looking face and frail frame was making it hard for Wilhelm not to laugh about the voice changing incident. He let out a small giggle but stopped himself, her face was one of seriousness.
Sorry for the dramatics” She said, her voice had returned to its original soft and meek tone. “I don't really make a habit out of stalking people.....and putting on scary voices” Wilhelm nodded in agreement and was joined by Malakai who had come to his side. He was giving Jasmine a look of caution, obviously not enjoying her 'ominous' intrusion.
Let me explain”

So you want to help me? And lead me down the right path?” Wilhelm scoffed, Malakai joined in seconds later. Much to their surprise Jasmine nodded, she was totally serious.
I figured I could help you see there is another way of living, instead of petty crime” She replied, her tone of voice was stern. “That and I'm a little bored at the Gym, I need an adventure” her mouth curled, she was persistent. Wilhelm asked about what she would do if he refused her company. “I'd just follow you, and report any criminal activities to the police”. Just what Wilhelm was expecting, she'd gotten her foot in the door and she wasn't going to give up on getting inside.
.....Fine, A gym leader can help, I guess” he gave in and allowed her to join them. He was sure he'd be able to convince to do what was 'necessary' if push came to shove. The Gym leader smirked and was about to ask what they were going to Cianwood city for when the tannoy system came alive, asking them to collect their stuff and prepare for departure.

The 'harbour' at Cianwood was little more than a glorified piece of wood, allowing people departing the boat a few stepping logs to get to the beach. It took several minutes for the trio to get established on the shore and decide their plan of action. It was reaching the afternoon now, so they had plenty of time to go and catch Corsola, so that is what they did. To their right and up the beach was the reef, jutting out of the calm but cold sea. As they progressed Jasmine held her hair down due to the sharp, blustery winds, Malakai skipped excitedly and Wilhelm tapped his thighs, not really knowing what to talk about. The scent in the air turned from a passive nothingness to a wild, animalistic scent. They were close to the reef. A small peninsula of sand bent into it and allowed for them to easily spot a gaggle of the Pokemon. Wilhelm held his arm out to a curious Malakai, who was standing near the water, peering inside the clean, clear water. There was a small group of about four Corsola, all staring up at them. It looked as though they were talking amongst themselves, when suddenly all but one shot off further into the reef, presumably to warn others. The remaining one however launched itself out of the water and towards the small boy, who narrowly dodged it and lunged to the ground, earning a mouth full of sand.

Sandshrew!” Malakai shouted and released his only Pokemon, Wilhelm retreated to stand by Jasmine who was shaking her head in disbelief, her hand firmly on her face. They took a few steps back and decided to watch the unfolding battle.
Use Dig!” Malakai ordered causing Sandshrew to quickly bury itself into the sand, disappearing from view, much to the Corsola's annoyance. It stood their for several seconds and looked around before shooting itself at Malakai again. Wilhelm and Jasmine began to move but stopped. Sandshrew burst from the ground and into the soaring Corsola from beneath causing it to change direction, into the air. Sandshrew plopped onto the ground safely and Malakai looked from behind his hands just in time to see Corsola smack onto the floor ahead.
Can I catch it now?” He asked the more experienced trainers. They both shook their heads, adding that it needed to be weakened further.
Ok....Use Slash!” The young trainer shouted and watched as Sandshrew attacked the Corsola viscously, it was going to take a few more hits. Corsola's defensive stats were high and were going to prove a hindrance in knocking it out. The coral Pokemon had been knocked back by the attack and was beginning to retaliate with Bubblebeam. The ironically powerful bubbles shots from Corsola's mouth and towards Sandshrew. A quick Defence curl lessened the impact, but the effective attack caused a great deal of harm to Sandshrew. He began to pant a little, but was still able to fight.
Sandshrew, lets finish this!” Malakai was getting frustrated, he knew Corsola had the type advantage and wanted to get the battle finished quickly. “Use Poison Sting!” Sandshrew jumped into the air and struck down upon Corsola's coarse skin with his glowing purple claw. The result was good for Malakai, Corsola was poisoned and began to plod around aimlessly. The poison has set in and caused the water type Pokemon to become delusional. An easy catch. With a nod from his partners he threw a spare Pokeball and easily caught the Pokemon with three shakes.

Sandshrew was promptly congratulated and a pair of applauds came from Jasmine and Wilhelm, both of which were shouting praise for the young boy. He had his cheeky smile plastered across his face as he returned Sandshrew and walked over to them.
Pokemon centre?” He asked. They agreed and set off back down the beach. The town was situated by the 'port', a short walk up a path. A Japanese inspired arch greeted them into the town, which consisted of many buildings all influenced by old Japanese architecture. However, there was the odd looking Pokemon centre, and Mart. Looking like they had transported back in time from the modern era. A giant Dojo building also demanded a lot of attention in town, acting as the city's gym. The trio were soon inside the Pokemon centre, however, enjoying food made by the infatuated Nurse Joy. Malakai was still smiling because of his victory and it was no surprise to the others when he said.
I think I might try the Gym
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  #6    
Old May 9th, 2009, 03:50 PM
zerwey's Avatar
zerwey
:3
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: My evil little world....
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Wow! Great story so far, great grammar. I presume you're from Europe? Your way of talking is in
British English. =)

Can't wait to see if Malakai actually challenges the Gym!
__________________
----------------------- -----------------------
Pokémon HeartGold | 1978 2716 2742
Pokémon Platinum | 1849 4303 8906
----------------------------------------------
  #7    
Old May 10th, 2009, 10:42 AM
Lyvee's Avatar
Lyvee
Galactic Entity
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Sassy
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Thanks Zerwey! Yes, I am from Europe, UK

Also, I've tried colouring the characters speech.....Please tell if it is annoying :D

Chapter 4: Chuck 'Norris'

It was a warm, welcoming morning in Cianwood city, two trainers awoke from their beds. A young boy, aged 10 with brown hair and Sandshrew themed clothing. The other a blonde haired, handsome man in a modified galactic uniform. They yawned in unison and slowly but surely got packed and ready for the day. Rubbing his eyes, the small boy turned to the other.
We're ditching her aren't we?” he asked and smiled, as if he already knew the answer “Great!” The man's face turned from tired and dreary to something much more serious.
No” was all that escaped his pale lips, he said no more. Nothing to back up his reasoning, or justify it. Malakai was a little shocked, but soon accepted that he was a much older and more knowledgeable person. He knew what he was doing and Malakai was going to have to deal with it. The inexperienced trainer looked up to Wilhelm as a source of training and praise, a sort of father figure. It took a few more minutes to get ready and they left the cramped, but comfy room.

Outside on the landing stood Jasmine, leaning against the wall. She perked up as they boys exited their room.
Just in case you try and ditch me” She uttered in explanation of her waiting, Malakai crossed his fingers. She was wearing her white dress and sandal combination, but now had a black cardigan over the top. Obviously Jasmine was a fashion conscious girl and didn't want to be seen wearing the same clothes everyday, even if they'd been washed. As the trio progressed downstairs for breakfast the smell of recently cleaned fabric and perfume were wafted into the boys face, from Jasmine. They secretly enjoyed the smell all the way to a table, where ordering some food was the top priority.
Coming right up....Why, you smell lovely this morning Wilhelm.” The nurse cooed with a blush and inhaled deeply, before shuffling off to prepare the breakfast. Jasmine scowled at her as she left and muttered something to herself. It wasn't long, however, before they were discussing the gym battle ahead of Malakai. He was bouncing in excitement.
Imma kick his butt!” He growled with vigour, making Jasmine laugh. Whilst Wilhelm had been encouraging him on the battle, Jasmine had been giving a more pessimistic overview of it.
Chuck is usually the fifth gym leader new trainers in the region face, he'll be tough to beat” Her less than encouraging warnings weren't going down too well with Malakai, who ignored them. Instead, he chose to appreciate Wilhelm's words of optimism more.

With their breakfast eaten, the group decided to depart for the gym and then back to Olivine as soon as possible. Nurse Joy bade goodbye to Wilhelm profusely and for a second it seemed as if she wasn't going to let him leave. The threesome walked through the dirt streets, the old Japanese styled buildings giving the city a sense of tranquillity and focus. This was particularly the case for the Gym, which loomed over the city. It made sense really, being the most important building after all and housing the leader of the city. Jasmine warned as they approached, it was a Fighting type gym. The three trainers stood outside and looked up at the building, too afraid to enter.
Jasmine!” A loud booming voice came from within. Chuck, the gym leader burst forth from the large wooden doors and into the street before them. He was a rather large man, a little chubby but incredibly powerful looking. He was wearing very little, he was topless with just sparring trousers on with a black belt. His spiky hair was rather odd, extending down his face and creating a near moustache. Malakai and Wilhelm exchanged looks, while Jasmine and Chuck talked.
So! What brings you here, eh? You want a practice match?”
Not exactly......”

They soon found themselves inside the gym, a large room with dirt-like floor. A Pokemon battle pitch was drawn onto the floor with chalk and stands sat at the sides of the room so that spectators could see any battles perfectly. On the pitch Chuck and Jasmine were talking quietly, away from Malakai and Wilhelm who were already in the crowd, waiting. Malakai bit his nails until he was called over by Jasmine. The battle was beginning. The Olivine Gym leader made her way next to Wilhelm, smiled and sat down.
I think we should let our Pokemon see this, don't you?” she softly said, earning a curious look by Wilhelm who was wondering where Steelix would go. Jasmine released her Pokemon but no Steelix was called. Instead, a Beldum and Magneton floated around the air next to her. She began to explain that she'd left a few Pokemon at the gym for her sister to use when battling, and that Magnemite had evolved, in frustration, since their battle in the lighthouse. The Galactic apologised to the metallic Pokemon, and was given a screechy 'It's ok' back. When Wilhelm asked about Beldum, a Pokemon not native to Johto, she replied that a cousin in Hoenn had sent it her, Steven Stone. The blonde man nodded and released Honchkrow and Mareep, so they too, could observe. The small sheep Pokemon curled up in his lap and Honchkrow nestled on his shoulder, it was strangely comfortable for the man so he let them be. Jasmine commented on Mareep's familiarity to Wilhelm, saying he must be treating her right. Wilhelm scoffed, slightly amused by the label that he couldn't treat Pokemon correctly because he was part of a criminal organization. Their small talk was soon cut short as the battle was about to begin.

This is 2 v 2 battle between Challenger Malakai and Gym Leader Chuck” A referee called from the side of the pitch, he was wearing out of place clothing for a fighting type gym. He donned official Pokemon league clothing. There was a tenseness in the air, spectators had flooded in to watch. Gym trainers, townsfolk and their Pokemon stood staring at Malakai, the nerves weren't affecting him however, his cheeky demeanour thrived in the attention.
Go Sandy!” He called and released his first Pokemon. The Mouse Pokemon looked around at the crowd and shook slightly, before turning its attention to Malakai. He grinned at him, calming him down.
Machop!” Chuck called his Pokemon, a blue skinned creature. Its muscles were bigger than the average Machop, indicating that it was well trained. Malakai grimaced, but retained his grin afterwards. The battle was nearing its beginning.
Who do you think will win?” Jasmine lent over and asked Wilhelm “Chuck is a good leader and Malakai is a new trainer.....It has to be Chuck” Wilhelm wanted to agree with her, Chuck was indeed a more experienced and qualified trainer, but he had hope that Malakai would win.
Malakai....I'm putting my money on him”

Begin!” The loud command from the referee started the battle. Malakai quickly ordered Dig, prompting Sandshrew under the dirt floor. It a had been a good few seconds, Machop was looking around cautiously trying to prepare itself.
Earthquake” Chuck said calmly, he knew the attack did double damage to opponents using Dig. He could knock Sandshrew out with one attack, a huge morale dampener for Malakai. The boy's mouth began to move but nothing came out for a few seconds. “Sandy, into the air!” By now Machop's attack was beginning to take effect, he jumped into the air and slammed back down with enough force to cause an Earthquake. Several visible tremors spread across the pitch slowly. Sandshrew burst from the ground just in time to miss the attack. Malakai gave a sigh of relief.
Use Rapid Spin!” He called out. The soaring Mouse Pokemon curled up and span, launching itself at Machop. The attack easily hit the slow Machop, sending it skidding across the floor to wards Chuck's feet.
Wow....That was good!” Jasmine cooed to herself, surprised by Malakai's flexibility as a trainer. Chuck was beginning to get angered and ordered Machop to use Karate Chop. As Machop stopped itself skidding it lunged into the air and at the retreating Sandshrew. Slamming its hand hard into his back, Sandshrew collapsed forwards onto his stomach. Machop stood over the fallen Pokemon looking smug, only to slapped by Sandshrew's tail, hard. His face was slapped to the side, a hand was covering it.
Quickly use Swift!” Malakai's face was lit up, like usual. Sandshrew span around an launched a torrent of energy at a shocked Machop. The attack hit him square in the chest, draining the rest of his energy. He was knocked out.
Wow!” Jasmine exclaimed, she'd been completely proven wrong. Wilhelm smiled at the boy and gave him a thumbs up as he looked at them for praise.
That was just a lucky shot!” Chuck hissed, a single tear trawling down the gentle giant's face and returned the beaten Machop before releasing his next choice....

Hitmontop!” The handstand Pokemon called from its topsy turvy position. It span a little to frighten Sandshrew, who was looking very timid and rubbing his back. Malakai twisted his lips as he thought about his battle tactics. However, before he could think of suitable plan of action the referee declared the start of the battle.
Hitmontop! Use Triple Kick!” Chuck commanded and pointed furiously at Sandshrew. Hitmontop span towards the brown shrew, kicking up sand as it progressed. Sandy attempted a jump to the left to dodge it but it wasn't enough to get of the reach of Hitmontop's flailing legs. He could feel the Pokemon's plastic-y skin smack against his body, each hit getting more powerful than the last. The last kick whacked him by Malakai's feet, defeated. Malakai dropped to the floor and stroked Sandshrew before returning him. Corsola soon replaced Sandshrew on the field, she was looking very out of place. Considering she'd just been taken from her home, she was. She cast a look of anger at Malakai, as if to blame him for her predicament.
Oh dear, Corsola doesn't look happy” Jasmine commented “Has he even had her out of the Pokeball since he caught her?” Wilhelm shook his head, realizing that Malakai was going to have a tough time controlling the Pokemon. It hated him.

Corsola...Bubblebeam?” Malakai asked before adding a 'please'. It was unsuccessful and she sat, ignoring him. The crowd gasped and laughed, causing Malakai to get slightly frustrated
Bubblebeam NOW!” He was shouting now, but it didn't work. Chuck chuckled and ordered another Triple Kick. The Pokemon span towards Corsola. She did nothing. The closer he got the more the crowd leaned in to see the result. It wasn't until he was nearly contacting her that she did something. She used Psychic, holding Hitmontop in the air. The crowd sunk back into their seats, but were still transfixed with the floating Pokemon.
Great! Now smack him around a bit!” Malakai said sadistically, hoping Corsola would take his advice. She didn't, instead she thought Malakai needed to be taught a lesson. She flung Hitmontop at him but changed the direction at the last second. Laughing to herself she proceeded to smash the Pokemon against the floor a few times. Malakai growled and returned back to his box. Chuck also looked displeased, Corsola was making a mockery of his Pokemon and was hardly trying.
Hitmontop! Aerial Ace!” The Gym leader was getting anxious now. His panting Pokemon sprang into the air, once it was at the peak of the jump it tucked itself in. It looked as though a giant needle was jetting towards Corsola. She was not bothered by the attack and simply jumped out of the way as Hitmontop crashed into the ground, creating a blanket of smoke around them. Both Pokemon were not visible to anyone. As the dirt cleared, Corsola appeared completely unharmed. Hitmontop, however, was stuck in the ground, his spiky head lodged firmly in the dirt. Corsola sprayed him Bubblebeam, easily knocking him out.

Incomprehensible dribble spouted from Jasmine's mouth. Malakai had won. It was a fluke she told herself, but decided she would congratulate him anyway, not wanting to dampen the mood. The Gym students and Pokemon slowly left the room, leaving Chuck, Malakai, Jasmine, Wilhelm and their Pokemon. Chuck approached the trio, who had grouped together. He delved into a pocket on his training trousers and picked out a badge. It was fist shaped and lightly reflected the light. The craftsmanship was great, expertly made.
I'm sure there are more beautiful examples......Like Jasmine's!” Chuck laughed and passed the badge over to the excited child, Corsola sulked behind him.
Well it won't be me you'd be fighting Malakai....My sister is the temporary leader” She too was laughing slightly. Malakai began to giggle too.
Good!.....I'd easily beat you!” He chirped with a grin. Jasmine's face dropped and her inclination to smack him rose. Wilhelm attempted to break the atmosphere that was developing by thanking Chuck for letting them watch such a good battle. He chuckled some more and slowly led them towards the door, he'd taken defeat well and made jokes all the way to the exit. With one last goodbye the group and a sulking Corsola turned their attention to the 'port'.....they'd be back in Olivine by this evening.
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Last edited by Lyvee; May 11th, 2009 at 10:05 AM.
  #8    
Old May 10th, 2009, 11:14 PM
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JX Valentine
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To be blunt, coloring your text is always annoying because you can never be certain as to what style your readers are using. For example, there are styles that are on red backgrounds, and likewise, that lilac color needs to be highlighted for anyone who attempts to read your story using a style with a light-colored one. (Not to mention it hurts the eyes if it's on certain dark-colored backgrounds.) Given the number of styles PC has, it's just easier to cater to everyone by using the default.

Also, to steal my own quote from the FFL, it may look pretty and artistic to the author, but this particular reader is usually tired, drunk, hungover, in a dark room, or some combination of the above (currently the first and last) when reading fanfiction, so bright colors tend to be a bit to deal with.

Now, this isn't remotely my full review of your story. It's just a heads up. To be honest, I'm going into your story when I'm less sardonic due to my own stupidity; I just wanted to give you a heads up before someone else gave you advice here.
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  #9    
Old May 11th, 2009, 09:24 AM
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I don't mind the colored text, but as said above, it may be an issue with some readers who use certain themes, so I think you might want to remove it.

Otherwise, continue the great story!
  #10    
Old May 11th, 2009, 01:27 PM
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JX Valentine
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Mmph. What is with all the one-liner reviews that have been popping up in this forum lately? I'd go further into this rant, but I already really have. *points to the link titled "Reviewers" in her sig* In any case, I'll offer some crit, and yes, I'll be a bit harsh. It's just how I review, really, and I don't mean to personally offend you if it comes off as such.

First off, a tip. Whenever you start a new paragraph – even in dialogue to switch speakers – you've got to hit the enter key not once but twice. (For example, look at the blank space between each paragraph here. That's what should be appearing between yours.) The reason why is because it's harder for a reader to go over a wall of text. It's more difficult to discern where one paragraph begins and another ends. To make things easy for them (which you always want to do so the reader can focus completely on the story and not try to figure things out), you'll want to make those breaks clear for them.

In case there's some confusion as to when to begin a new paragraph, this is a rough list of what counts:

1. When you begin a new topic. In fiction, this includes moving from one subject to another in terms of description. For example, if you want to have a character leave a house and then describe how they're feeling about leaving, you may want to put the description of the day outside in a completely different paragraph from the description of the character's anxiety and what's triggering it.

2. Whenever you switch speakers. As in, if Jane speaks just before Bob says something, Jane's dialogue needs to be separate from Bob's so it's clear who's saying what.

3. Whenever you switch from speaking to narration. As in, if Jane says something, and then you launch into details about how she carries a box from the room, if that description is longer than a sentence or two, it should count as its own paragraph, with the dialogue placed separately.

If that's unclear, feel free to ask, and I'll try to explain it again.

That said, now for some specifics.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyvee View Post
Wilhelm made his way slowly down the Pier, he had just arrived from the far off land Sinnoh.
Mmph. Not a sentence into the story, and you've already got a couple of problems.

1. Unless pier is the actual name of the place, it needs to be lowercase because it's a common noun, not a proper one.

2. This is actually a comma splice – or a run-on sentence. Try this: replace the comma with a period. Notice how you end up with two separate sentences that stand on their own? You really can't do that simply because it's not proper form. It causes the sentences to run into one another awkwardly, and for a first sentence, you really don't want that because you want to draw in the reader. So, instead, replace the comma with a period.

Incidentally, the "replace a comma/conjunction with a period" trick is something I'd like to call the period test. I'm going to be referring to it frequently, so keep it in mind.

Quote:
a less than comfortable boat
Because "less-than-comfortable" is serving as one adjective, you'll want to hyphenate it.

Quote:
he was happy to be on land, well pier.
The last bit seems a little awkward to me. I would suggest that, instead of using a comma to offset it from the rest of the sentence, try a hyphen. That way, you have a sufficient pause, rather than an attempt to use a comma for something it really can't do.

Also, you'll want to take that comma you removed and place it a word to the right (just after well) because otherwise, you're saying the equivalent of it's a good pier. Only in adverb form.

Quote:
as it pushed into him by the strangers, he couldn't risk letting his identity slip, he didn't want people to know who he was and a hissy fit on the peer wasn't going to help.
1. As it was pushed into him. Without the "was" there, you're implying that the coat is doing the pushing itself, which means the rest of that phrase wouldn't make sense.

2. Again, this is a comma splice. Try the period test on not only the first comma but also the second one. Notice how you end up with three sentences?

Quote:
of Team Galactics operations and what they stood for, but didn't really want to take a chance and get caught out by some well travelled punk.
Oh dear.

1. Galactic's. The apostrophe is needed to show that this is a possessive, not a plural. Team Galactic owns the operations, and only one of them exists.

2. The comma serves no function whatsoever here. This is not a compound sentence.

Incidentally, because I foresee there's going to be a lot of grammatical oddities, from here on out, I'm going to do this the way I beta. Basically, whenever I see an error, I'll put it in bold and red text. If I need to make a note, it's (bold and inside parentheses like this). (Yes, I realize I made a note against using colored text, but I'm assuming that because you tried to use it yourself, you're probably on a background that supports it anyway.) That way, I can take care of simple stuff without repeating myself, focus on the story, and explain only the major things.

That being said…

Quote:
He hoped he'd come across as an (If the next word begins with a vowel sound, you need "an." "A" is for anything that begins with a consonant.) oddly dressed,
How was he oddly dressed? "Oddly" is a bit vague, so the reader can't really get a good picture of what you mean. You'll want to be specific in order to get your ideas across effectively. While this doesn't mean describe every little detail, it means that rather than use something that's vague and unstable (like calling something "beautiful" and leaving it at that), you'll want to launch into enough solid description to make the reader think whatever you're describing is beautiful or odd too.

Quote:
slim and attractive man with blond, straight, medium-length hair that hugged his face. Just an average Joe. But (No comma here.) he also had a handsome facial structure
Again, vague and unstable description. Handsome facial structure could describe Fabio's face, or it could describe RuPaul's. We don't know.

Quote:
which was useful for two things, seduction and as a physical manifestation of his personality, mature and sharp. Quite the gentleman. He was seen as a loner, however, in Sinnoh and among (Technically, either is correct, but amongst is archaic and awkward here.) the other Galactics (There is only one Team Galactic.) forces. It wasn't that he was a horrible person. He just didn't like the attitudes of his colleagues. They abused and treated their Pokemon unfairly.
How? Again, this is vague. While we can imagine abuse as hitting and whatnot, we don't know what unfair treatment is. Therefore, we can't quite care about these neglected pokémon as much as you probably want us in order to fully understand how unorthodox Wilhelm is.

Quote:
A particularly unorthodox Galactic member in his own right, he steered clear of the other goons and focused on training himself and his Honchkrow,
How is this unorthodox? (Keep in mind that the dependent clause usually modifies the independent clause – as in, the fragment at the beginning should have something to do with the rest of the sentence.)

Quote:
slowly pushing himself up the ranks. He wasn't influential enough to become a commander, but he was instead given the honour of being an agent and doing important missions. Alone. He wanted out now, after learning (Be careful with your spelling and remember to read over your work yourself before submitting it. Real words are not caught by the spell checker.) of their real intentions. To leave, he would have to complete this mission.

"Anyway back to the task at hand!" he (With a dialogue tag – or a piece that describes how something is being said – that comes after the quote, the sentence doesn't end at the closing quotation mark.) whispered softly, so he didn't arouse suspicion.

He (It's awkward if you don't break the paragraph here.)
stopped, unfurling a piece of paper that he had pulled from his jacket pocket. Unfolding back the corners where they had bent, the Galactic Elite looked through the list. It contained several rare Johto Pokemon. He let out a heavy sigh and walked towards the edge of the pier, vacantly looking out into the fog that was surrounding the whole port area. Brushing stray (Unnecessary means that it shouldn't be there, yes, but specifically, it means that it shouldn't exist because it's pointless. Hair can't actually be pointless in this sense.) hair from his eyes, believing the fog was but an illusion of sight impairment,
O_o Huh?

No, seriously. I read this a few times, but I'm not quite getting what you're trying to say here. He thought the fog was just an illusion there to impair sight? Fog impairs sight either way. There's no real illusion to it. It clouds the eyesight of anyone who walks through it. If it were an illusion, that would imply some serious visual problems in the character himself.

Quote:
but it wasn't.

"Ampharos! Where am I meant to get one of those things? I don't even know what it looks like." (With dialogue, the period goes inside the quotation marks.)

(Also note the paragraph break here. You're going onto a new subject.)
There were others the list, Tyranitar and Ursaring to name a few, but this one stood out to Wilhelm. With that thought his belt started to shake, (This is a compound sentence. Note how doing the period test by replacing the "and" produces two separate sentences.) and his only Pokemon released itself.
So, wait. His belt thought about the Ampharos, despite a belt having no ears? (That's pretty much what putting a dependent clause like "with that thought" before the subject of a sentence.)

Quote:
"Honch Honch!"

Honchkrow nestled itself on his shoulder
It should be noted that Honchkrow weighs over sixty pounds. While it's possible to heft something that large over one's shoulder, it's impressive to do it without hands.

Quote:
and dug into the side of his face,
With what?

Quote:
obviously wanting his undivided attention. She succeeded.

"What is it, Honchkrow?" Wilhelm inquired, wondering what his Pokemon had planned.

The crow sprung (I don't know why you keep capitalizing random words in the middle of a sentence, but to make things easy for you, remember that you don't capitalize anything except proper nouns and the first word of each sentence.) off his shoulder and into the air. She flapped her wings majestically and pushed the fog away. Landing back on his trainer, she pointed one of her powerful wings at the manifesting lighthouse.
To quote Inigo Montoya: "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."

To put it in short, you keep using certain words that don't actually mean what you probably want. For example, "manifest" means "to appear," yes, but to be specific, it means "to appear gradually out of nowhere." In other words, to have the lighthouse manifest after the fog is blown away is to basically say that it's gradually appearing out of thin air.

While flowery words make your prose sound poetic, it's highly advised that if you want to use them, keep a dictionary handy and look them up first, even if you think you know what they mean. You could very well be using a word that doesn't actually work for your story, and doing that causes your prose to generate weird mental images.

Also, how does Honchkrow know where an ampharos is? She just got here from Sinnoh and probably knows just as much about Johto as her owner.

Quote:
it came forth from the fog looking as if it was moving forwards. An actual illusion this time as the fog was brushing past it.
Fog doesn't cause this kind of illusion.

Quote:
For a few moments, Wilhelm stood in awe of the pristine building. How could such an old lighthouse be seemingly untouched by the elements?

"They use an Ampharos as the light?" Wilhelm guessed correctly,
He doesn't know that he's correct yet, so it's not a good idea to say that he guessed correctly.

Actually, in general, don't use that word in the narration. Rather than simply tell the reader that he's correct, have him decide to go investigate and don't reveal that he's correct until he finds something at the top. As it is, you're having the answer be revealed immediately, which gives the reader no time to wonder if he's on the right path. We already know there's going to be an ampharos at the top of the tower, so there's really no suspense – no question of whether or not he'll actually find anything or what he'll find.

Quote:
more than slightly confused. Honchkrow nodded and called her (Otherwise, you've just neutered his bird.) name with delight, happy to help her friend. Although he questioned how Honchkrow knew this, he trusted his Pokemon's judgement more than his own and decided to check the lighthouse out. As he started to move, he realized the people on the pier had formed a tiny crowd around the pair. They had obviously never seen a Sinnoh Pokemon before, especially one of such prestige and grace as Honchkrow. They whispered in awe as Wilhelm pushed his way through and rolled his eyes, laughing at them.

"They should get out more," (Unless you meant "they should get more Sinnoh pokémon.") he thought as he continued towards the lighthouse.
(As a side note about the number of unnecessary code between this paragraph and the next one, because the default for the forum is left-aligned font, it's not necessary to code that every single time. It's not really necessary to code for the font size, either, given that you want to make this as readable as possible. Smaller fonts tend to be harder on the readers' eyes, and larger fonts tend to be obnoxious. Go with the default.)

Quote:
Waiting until the dark hours of the night, Wilhelm crept up the to awe-inspiring building and looked for an entrance.
Other than the front door that most characters have accessed in canon?

Quote:
Luckily, behind a nearby bush, there was a trap door, presumably leading to the basement. Quickly and swiftly, he smashed the wooden door.
Was that really necessary? O_o I mean, he could be attracting attention by smashing through wood. You'd think a burglar would try to work with the lock.

Quote:
He hoped that destroying it in one hit would not create as much commotion. His gamble paid off as no one came to investigate after five (When writing numbers, for any of them from zero to ninety-nine, you actually need to write them out, not use numerals like 0 and 9. There's exceptions, namely with ordinals, addresses, dates, and times. For everything else, however, chances are, you'll need to write it.) minutes. He (Alternatively, insert the word "but" between he and the comma.) checked around one more time and jumped into the (You repeat the word "the" here. Again, read over your work before you post it.) hole. He made his way through the dark basement and up to the first floor with help from his torch.
A torch that he randomly pulled out of nowhere?

Quote:
The first floor room was spherical and well-lit. In the centre of the room was a woollen rug, and several pictures of Pokemon were hung ("Sown" means "to plant seeds." While you could be offering metaphor here, it's just awkward.) around the room. On closer inspection Wilhelm got a better look at the Pokemon. They were small and on all-fours. The animal had blue skin with wooly patches and a light on its (It's = contraction for it is. Its = possessive pronoun. As a rule of thumb, no pronoun uses an apostrophe for its possessive.) tail.
Wait. You were describing multiple pokémon in the next-to-last sentence and only one in the last one. If you're talking about all of them, you'll want to make the last sentence completely plural. If you're talking about only one, you'll want to make it clear all of the images are of the same pokémon.

Quote:
Wilhelm quickly realized he needed to hurry up with the task at hand and proceeded up the stairs which spiralled up and around the room.
Wilhelm's tired body reached the last few steps. Small droplets of sweat were running down his forehead. Glad to be at the top, he quietly got back his breath and relaxed. Ahead of him was a door, through (Otherwise, you're saying he literally passed into the door.) which he entered. A bright light encompassed him, and he took a step back, reeling from the light. (I'd also suggest substituting the word "light" with something else – perhaps "brightness" – because otherwise, you're repeating the same word multiple times in the sentence. This causes your writing to sound a little awkward.) His eyes adjusted, and he saw the silhouette of a human-sized Pokemon, from what he could tell it was the Pokemon on the pictures.
It should be noted that not even shiny ampharos are blue in color or actually wooly. (Shiny ampharos are pink-purple.) Likewise, they're shorter than the average adult human, standing at four feet and seven inches.

Quote:
He reached into his bag, which hung loosely around him and grabbed a gun of some sort.
Again, don't be vague. Do not say "a gun of some sort." Say "a gun." You don't need to go into specifics, but you can't have the narrator sound uncertain himself. That creates an unreliable narrator, which means the reader can't trust what's being said.

Quote:
He aimed at the pokemon and pulled (You don't activate a trigger. You pull it if it's on a gun.) the trigger, firing a net which took the beast by surprise. Wilhelm walked up to his prey and knelt down next to it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to the captured Ampharos.

He truly felt guilty about the situation. Normally, forcefully capturing Pokemon wasn't his thing.
Avoid slang or overly casual language in the narration like "his thing." Instead, say something like "he didn't like forcefully capturing Pokémon. It went against his principles."

Quote:
"You will be! Thief!" a voice cried from behind him. "Go, (Direct address needs a comma.) Magnemite!"

Wilhelm turned around to see an extremely skinny woman (Women is plural. Woman is singular.) ready to battle. She had long, light brown hair with ponytails near the middle of her head, and despite her frail look, she looked very eager to fight.

"I choose you! Honchkrow!" Wilhelm retaliated with a slight sense of nervousness. This was his first Pokemon battle in Johto, and he had already had bad type disadvantage. He would have to be strategic.

"Honchkrow, use Swagger attack!" With (This is not a dialogue tag. You can tell with the fact that it doesn't describe how the dialogue is being said. Therefore, it is its own sentence.) this, the bird began to glow, and it faded away, (What do you mean by "it"? Honchkrow or the glow? Remember to specify.) leaving the confused Magnemite floating aimlessly.
As a note, try to avoid describing an attack in only one line. This usually makes your moves vague and leaves little in the way of visual imagery for the reader. In other words, it doesn't help them figure out what's going on. Instead, describe it in a few sentences, making note of not only what the move looks like but how it works. How did Magnemite end up confused, for example? How did Magnemite react to the move? Did it hit anything?

The most exciting points to a trainer fic are usually the battles because that's really the entire point of the trainer's goal in the first place. In this case, you have a thief, sure, but you're probably going for an action fic as well. Something suspenseful. It's really the conflicts that will do that, and to leave a conflict like actual violence between one party and another without much description is denying the reader of the feeling of being right there and cringing with each move. Get them to cringe, and they'll start wondering who's going to win.

Or, in short, describe the battle with more detail, and your readers will get a knee-jerk reaction of "oh, that's got to hurt; I wonder who's going to win" more often.

Quote:
"Now, Nasty plot."

The
bird flashed again with a naturally wicked look on her face.
1. I'd say get rid of the word "naturally." Again, it's vague description that doesn't tell the reader anything about what the move actually looks like.

2. Again, how does this move work? I would suggest reading descriptions of the move on Bulbapedia or Veekun.com to get an idea of how to handle it in written form. That way, it seems less like it's a pointless maneuver.

Quote:
"Hmm, try a Thundershock," the woman called in desperation, only to have the metal ball fire in her direction.
First off, avoid exclamation points in the narration. Again, it's causing the narration to slant – as in, it gives the narrator more emotion than he should convey. Instead, his tone should be fairly neutral, with the only hint of emotion coming from the words, not the punctuation marks.

Second, what did Magnemite just fire? Again, in battles, you can't be vague. Instead, you've got to describe as much as possible. This includes the fact that Magnemite should be shooting electricity and what the woman did as a reaction.

Third, start a new paragraph at this point. You're changing speakers either way.

Quote:
"Okay, Honchkrow, use Shadow Ball," ("Shadow Ball" is a phrase of two words, and you need punctuation at the end of a quote, regardless of whether or not it's a complete sentence.) Wilhelm said.

He
had calmed down considerably now. Honchkrow flew at top speed towards her target so it could attack at point-blank range. The attack was successful,
Again, you're lacking description in how the move was actually performed. Considering this is point-blank range, you're also looking at consequences (as in, Honchkrow would be affected), so description is vital here. Likewise, rather than say "successful," say "hit," particularly because this is actually a move that would strike the opponent, rather than simply succeed.

Quote:
and the opponent's Pokemon flew backwards (Otherwise, you're implying that it's controlling its own path.) and smashed against the wall. It lay down unconscious.

The young woman sighed and grasped her next Poke Ball. (Because you capitalize "Pokemon," you'll need to be consistent by capitalizing everything with the prefix Poke-. Also, this is a separate sentence.) "Go Steelix!" she screamed. "By the way, I'm Jasmine, Olivine Gym Leader, and I won't let you steal this Pokemon." She pointed to the Ampharos in the net as it let out a yelp. (Because you already have a dialogue tag in this paragraph, you don't need another one.)
Also, it sounds like she's telling him who she is as an afterthought. You'd think that given Jasmine's character, she'd introduce herself and declare that she's not letting him steal Ampharos before the battle, rather than randomly in the middle of it.

Quote:
Oh my! A Steelix! Darn , Wilhelm thought,
You punctuate thought differently before he enters the lighthouse (as in, with quotation marks, rather than italics). Why are you changing it now?

Quote:
but he already knew how to win.

"Steelix, Thunder Fang!"

The Steelix obeyed and launched itself at Honchkrow. Even if the attack hit the Pokemon, Honchkrow would easily shrug it off. It had been Wilhelm's only Pokemon for years. It was expertly trained.
O_o What?

You're looking at a gym leader's pokémon, first of all. The steelix would be just as expertly trained as a trainer's honchkrow simply because you don't get gym leader status by being a n00b at training. (This is, as a note, every form of canon except the games, and even then, it should be noted that the gym leaders' levels are adjusted for the sake of making the challenge possible for the trainer. Note how formerly crappy gym leaders in Kanto – like Brock – are level 40+ in GSC, whereas in RBY, those same leaders might be under level twenty-five.)

Second, you're looking at a type disadvantage as well as a physical hit from a pair of steel-plated jaws the size of a VW Bug. I don't think that a two-foot-tall bird would be able to just shrug off being bitten by something like that, let alone being bitten and electrocuted at the same time.

Avoid suspending logic and making things easy for your characters like this. You could be creating a Gary Stu, a character who's far too good to be believable. (This article should be able to explain things a bit better and provide examples as to why they're not exactly good things.)

Quote:
"Dodge it (No exclamation point here. It's in the middle of a sentence.) and use Night Slash."

The attack landed, but it wasn't critical like Wilhelm had hoped.
How does he know whether or not it's critical? Again, this is a vague description.

Quote:
So, he went in for another attack.

"Assurance."

He knew this would hurt if it hit. The bird smacked the giant metallic snake, but it was not the knockout he had wished for. It had used harden. The iron snake was trained well, but not as good as Honchkrow.

"Retaliate! Use Rock Throw!"

Suddenly, tonnes of rocks were flung in Honchkrow's direction, hitting her. (Your character's honchkrow is not transsexual.) She hit the ground.

"Honch Honch!" the bird spoke with vigour and flew back into the air.
…That's the only reaction to being smacked with several tons of rocks? O_o

Okay, imagine this: several tons of rock (never mind the fact that you're indoors and would need to explain where the rocks came from in the first place) are launched at you by a huge, metal-and-rock snake over thirty feet tall. You're definitely made of bones and muscle, and you're not quite fast enough to get out of the way. When you're buried by these rocks, do you just get up, shake it off, and get ready to whack the snake with a stick seconds after the attack happens, or are you going to need to be pulled out first (if you don't struggle to dig yourself out) and get those broken bones you probably should have (considering this is several tons of solid rock falling on top of you) treated?

The problem with the battle (aside from the vagueness of the description) lies in the fact that you're suspending believability for the sake of your character. Rather than have his honchkrow feel the pain and be affected by its injuries, she shrugs them off as if they never happened. Regardless of how well the bird was trained and how fuzzy game logic tends to be, this just shouldn't happen in fanfiction. What it does is basically strip all the suspense and excitement away from the battle. As soon as you suspend one fragment of logic (especially if this fragment is pretty obvious, like how several tons of rock don't phase a bird), the reader automatically knows where the battle is going, so it's just a matter of time before your character wins.

As a side note, it should be noted that you're probably not following game canon anyway (given how Honchkrow knows well over four moves), so yeah, you'll probably want to establish some form of believability anyway, even if game logic says a level 100 honchkrow would laugh at a level twenty-five steelix's Rock Throw.

Quote:
"UH! That thing should be down and out," Jasmine moaned, obviously beginning to worry. "Okay, use Slam to finish this off."

Honchkrow was hurt but nowhere near out. The attack came straight for him, but a shield was erected in front of him. He had used Protect. The Steelix stumbled backwards and howled. "STEELIX!"

"While it's distracted, use Hyper Beam!"

Honchkrow opened her beak, and a torrent of energy was let loose towards its giant prey. The Steelix hit the floor and roared in pain.
That's it? So, basically, a two-foot-tall bird just three-shotted a thirty-foot, armored snake with type advantages against all of the assaults used against it after said honchkrow was buried in rock for a moment of time?

I'm sorry, but this battle really just doesn't work. Alternatively, if it does, then you've really got to spend more time describing how it works because otherwise, it's just really difficult to believe that this could happen. It makes the reader think that what you're coming out with is a Gary Stu.

Quote:
"Well done, big guy," Jasmine panted.
Considering Jasmine's normally polite and timid nature, it's a bit odd that she would call her pokémon and friend "big guy."

Quote:
She turned to the Galactic member and begged, "Please don't take this Pokemon. It works so hard day and night to protect those lost at sea. With it gone many will die!" (Because you already have a mark of punctuation inside the quotation marks, another one outside of them is redundant.)

Wilhelm wanted to let it be free, but his organization would kill him for a failed mission.

"Take this instead!" Jasmine ran through the door and returned with an oval shaped object. It was an egg. (Never, ever abuse capslock in the narration.) "It is Ampharos's egg.
Huh? O_o Cornered or not, why is she giving up another innocent pokémon – the child of the one she's trying to protect, no less? That's like saying, "Don't kill this human mother, but it's perfectly okay to take this baby!"

Besides, isn't it a bit odd that she's not trying to call for backup, possibly by using Ampharos itself if there's no other means of communication?

Quote:
Please take it. Just leave this place alone!" (Again, no period here.)

Wilhelm contemplated it. His boss wanted rare Pokemon, not an egg.

"I can tell you are kind trainer.
Jasmine was just attacked by this kid who she guessed was a thief. In fact, just a moment ago, she was begging him not to steal Ampharos. Why does she suddenly think he's kind? O_o

Also, it'd be a good idea to add some form of dialogue tag to this sentence. Otherwise, you're implying that Wilhelm is the one calling himself kind.

Quote:
Your Honchkrow is very strong. I can see this Pokemon growing fast with you. You could quickly get an Ampharos."

He looked deep into her eyes. He knew it was the right thing to do.
What exactly was the right thing to do, and how did he know it was right? It's still taking an innocent pokémon by intimidating the crap out of an opponent.

Quote:
He was going to be in Johto for months, and he could use a new Pokemon for the duration of his stay. ("Duration" is not a word that stands by itself. It means "length," so to say "the duration" is saying "the length," but it's not specifying the length of what, if that makes sense.)

"OK," he answered monotonously.

Jasmine quickly gave the egg to Wilhelm and returned to her spot, eyeing him (No "up" here. That creates sexual connotations, which I don't think you mean.), unsure if his intentions were true. Suddenly, the egg cracked, and a "baa" could be heard from within.
….

I… um… wow.

Seconds after receiving an egg from someone who was just begging him not to steal pokémon, the egg hatches? Even considering the time it spent with Ampharos, isn't that a bit unrealistic? It sounds as if you're trying to create a metaphor for the purity and/or awesomeness of this character. As in, this character is so amazingly good on the inside that the miracle of birth happens as soon as he touches eggs.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to say that this character's a bit Stuish. This kind of thing just shouldn't normally happen.

Quote:
A head pushed its way out of the shell and revealed itself. It was the Pokemon on the pictures.
Didn't you say earlier that the pokémon in the pictures was Ampharos, not a mareep?

Quote:
"It is a Mareep. It's (Correct usage of "it's," though, which I have to say good job for, considering you confused them many times earlier.) yours now."

Fully released from its oval prison, the sheep Pokemon hugged (No quotation marks.) its new owner and gladly entered a free Poke Ball. (No ellipsis. That causes your narration to sound weak because you're essentially telling the reader that you're trailing off right in the middle of the text.)

"Goodbye, Jasmine." Wilhelm politely smiled at her and left through the door.

Jasmine had a strange feeling about this man. She dully sat next to Ampharos and began to untangle her.

"Hmm," Jasmine said. (I added a dialogue tag because otherwise, you're implying that it's Ampharos who says this quote. Also note the number of M's. Don't overdo things like that by tacking on five or more. Two is really sufficient, and if you want it to be read as if it's drawn out, convey that in the dialogue tag with words like "drawled.")[/SIZE][/LEFT]
I'm stopping here because otherwise, it's getting a bit lengthy, and there is actually a character limit to these posts. I might go for the next chapters later, but that should give you a starting idea of what I'm about to say next as advice for improving the rest of your fic:

1. Try to get a beta-reader, or someone who can look over your work before you post it and work with you to refine it. My advice is don't choose the people who keep reviewing with one-liners because, frankly, seriously, guys. =/ You just can't sugar-coat your reviews and say it's perfect in one line. You've got to be specific (even and especially if all you're leaving is praise so the author can actually understand what he's doing right or wrong), and you can't be afraid to tell an author they're doing something odd, especially when they actually ask for it. I've got a guide for reviewers in my sig. Please read it.

Seriously, though, Lyvee, you've got a lot of grammatical errors. A lot of them are errors in commas, so first off, try brushing up on comma usage rules to fully understand when you should and shouldn't use commas. Also, in general, you'll want to read over your fic (aloud) to try to catch errors yourself before getting in touch with someone else who can help you refine things. There's a few oddities that wouldn't have normally been caught via your computer.

2. Description. Never use vague words like "handsome" if you're not going to back them up by adding something that helps us visualize what handsome actually is. Likewise, don't leave us hanging in a battle. Don't describe a move in terms of, "Pokémon A used Move A on Pokémon B. It worked." That doesn't tell us much about the battle, and that doesn't make us feel excited by reading what's going on. You've got to show us what happens when something occurs and what the consequences are at the very least.

Which brings me to my next point, actually.

3. Consequences and general logic. Things happen. Characters should not just shrug them off. If a character breaks through a wooden cellar door, chances are, that's going to attract attention or at least sting a little. (Ever break a board? If you know how to do it correctly, it leaves the point of impact on your body feeling a little painful and a lot numb after you do it. If you do it incorrectly, it's going to hurt like a mother. Either way, it sounds like a pretty big crack. As in, slam a baseball bat against a door, and you've got an idea.) Likewise, I don't think there's any way a sixty-pound bird could walk away from being hit with several tons of rock without a crapload of injuries if she's lucky.

Point is, if you make things easy for your character by suspending logic, what comes out of it is a Gary Stu. (See aforementioned link to Wikipedia.) That's not a good thing. In certain cases, it means you're rushing your story, and in other cases, it also means you're trying to give your character the advantage because you can't entirely think of an alternate way to get around the problems you've set up for him. Both are, naturally bad things because they mean:

A. (On the point about rushing) You either aren't putting all your effort into your fic, or you're not giving the reader enough details to fully envision what's going on.

B. (On the point about advantages) You're making it pretty clear who's going to win.

C. (Both) You're not making the fic as exciting as it should be.

Harsh as that sounds, what I mean to say is in order to make your fic as enjoyable as you can possibly get it to be, you need to slow down and really work out your problems with some thought. Don't just have each problem be solved with brute force or one or two hits or even the straightforward answer. If the problem seems impossible (like a sixty-pound bird versus a thirty-foot-tall snake), have it be solved through craftiness. (For example, check out how Ash's pikachu defeated Drake's dragonite at the end of the Orange Islands arc.) If the problem requires stealth (like breaking into a building), you'd better not have the answer require anything but stealth unless the character is just a brash, impulsive character anyway. Make the solution fit the problem and the character, rather than forcing it to fit. If you force it to fit, yes, it'll probably be obvious.

That being said, on the positive side, you have an interesting concept. A thief and a member of Team Galactic who really doesn't approve of their methods (although one has to wonder why he doesn't up and quit, given how Galactic doesn't come off as the mafia the way Team Rocket does) sets off on a mission because he really doesn't have anything better to do or any other choice in the matter. It could potentially be a dramatic and gritty look into the world of villains, which is something that's done but not as overdone as the usual OT story. The next course of action, then, is to refine your ideas by working on them a bit more, being a bit more careful about what you do, and getting a beta-reader. It's not impossible to improve on this kind of idea, but you do have room for improvement.
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Last edited by JX Valentine; May 11th, 2009 at 02:33 PM.
  #11    
Old May 12th, 2009, 01:00 AM
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Oh Sugar, it is a good job I haven't posted the next chapter......A Beldum defeats a Marowak!

But yes, I can see where the trouble would arise from having frustratingly easy battle. I was trying to get Wilhelm to come across as a good trainer to set him up for the rest of story. I guess I went the wrong way about it?

I'd like to blame my terrible writing on the fact that the first two chapters were written a year ago but I can't really, can I?

I'll read through the comma walkthrough and attempt to apply it. Not to this story however, for I am ending it here. Now I have realised how crappy it is I'd rather not continue it. Also, I have exams that require my attention, so they remain my top priority. Perhaps after my exams I shall write once more.....but hopefully much more grammatically and linguistically correct.

Just one last thing. Valentine, if you choose to do the other chapters can you send them me in a private message? I'd rather this thread die now, and another public shaming would kill me.
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  #12    
Old May 12th, 2009, 08:52 AM
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JX Valentine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyvee View Post
I was trying to get Wilhelm to come across as a good trainer to set him up for the rest of story. I guess I went the wrong way about it?
Mmm. The trouble with fanfiction is that, as I've said in the review, winning by brute force doesn't necessarily mean good trainer unless you back it up with establishing the character as a certain kind of person. (You know the part of one of the Indiana Jones movies where Jones watches the native do all kinds of awesome sword tricks before finally pulling out his gun and nonchalantly shooting the native dead? That's the kind of person you'd probably find relying on blasting through walls.) What conveys skill is an overall skill level -- as in, creative use of attacks, especially if you've got a clear disadvantage between the main character and the opponent. While in the games, a Nasty Plotted Hyper Beam might do the trick against a Steelix, it's just not as interesting in a fanfiction compared, to take a canon example, to a pikachu crawling into the mouth of a dragonite and Thundering the crap out of its internal organs.

Quote:
I'd like to blame my terrible writing on the fact that the first two chapters were written a year ago but I can't really, can I?
Yeah, you'll want to be careful about using that idea, especially if you've had time to write chapters after that point. It means you've also had time to go back and revise.

Quote:
Now I have realised how crappy it is I'd rather not continue it.
As I've said, the concept's interesting, but you'll want to work on the execution. If you'd like to recycle what you were thinking of doing, I'm sure you could pull it off if you worked closely with a beta.

Quote:
Just one last thing. Valentine, if you choose to do the other chapters can you send them me in a private message? I'd rather this thread die now, and another public shaming would kill me. ;)
Since you've got no interest in continuing, I'll just leave it alone. You'll probably prefer that I just look at whatever work you do after this (because it'll most likely be improved).
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  #13    
Old May 12th, 2009, 06:59 PM
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Since you want this thread to die, I guess, I'm going to close it so no one can bump it back from the dead.
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