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  #1    
Old April 30th, 2009, 02:50 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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This is my first fanfic since joining PC. I've been working on it for months and it might not make sense at the beginning but bear with me i'm coming up with chapter 2 soon.

**************************************************************
Chapter 1: Rebirth

"Cold… so cold…"

I do not remember how long I’ve been here or why I am here. My mind is a jumbled mix of memories. Flashes of my life and of someone I don’t know.

I remember being born from the depths of the volcano and when I first saw light. I remember Eve and me being taken in the dark of night.

"These memories are so...conflicted." It’s as if I've been living two lives but just realised it.

I feel unfamiliar with this body, and yet, I recognise it at the same time.

"It's so, confusing."

Throughout the course of the next few days, I slip in and out of consciousness. Each time I awaken, I discover something new about my body. My nails are sharper than usual. I feel like I could smash through anything with these nails. They have a greyish tinge to them and feel inhuman. My human teeth are no more. Instead, I have razor sharp fangs. Oddly enough, as sharp as my teeth are, I can’t bite through my cheeks –not that I want to- because they’ve become insanely hard. My eyesight has improved a great deal than the way it was in my memories. In contrast with the rest of my body, my hands, feet, mouth and feel abnormally warmer.

I start to explore my surroundings rather than my own body. I realise I am in a cylindrical container of about the length of two of my arms stretched out wide. My surroundings are white in colour. Everywhere I look, I see the same bright white light. I realise that every thirty seconds, I am sprayed by a white substance coming from somewhere in the container. It irritates me, but I feel weak and powerless afterwards.

My body feels slightly irritated. I can feel something. It feels like something is poking into my skin. I open my eyes and needles affixed to long wires jabbed into most parts of my body. I slowly become aware of a small beeping sound every few seconds. Outside, I hear whispered conversations being held. If I focus intently with my eyes, I can break through the white mist and see outside. Men with white coats dart to one corner of a giant cavern. I slowly lose interest and drift back to sleep -partly because of the white spray.

Suddenly, I’m jerked awake. The surroundings are no longer white but are now a dull metallic colour except for the front, which is covered by a thick glass pane. I walk forward slowly on the cold hard floor, the wires and needles are ripped out of my body, the wounds heal instantly. I stare through the glass and into the room outside, I see dozens of men in white coats running around frantically. A dull red light illuminates the room. I can hear them talk.

“You blithering idiot! Why are the backup generators taking so long to switch to the mains?!” says one of them while shaking the body of another one vigorously.

“I...I... I don’t know!” he splutters. “It's not my job, sir. The boys down in Tech are supposed to deal with these eventualities.” He cries nervously.

I realise that the situation is critical. I understand their words from my memories, like I'm relearning everything i used to know. Encountering something new seems to jolt something in my memory. Instinctively, I pull back my hand, and it glows red-hot. I ball it up into a fist and smash it into the glass with surprising speed.

The glass shatters into a million pieces. I step out into the room, my feet melting the floor beneath me. Between me and the rest of the room, large metal bars protrude from the ground to the ceiling. It feels just like a jail-cell. The men are yelling at one another, and a few that I didn’t notice a moment ago run to the bars all the way from the back of the room.

They are wearing different clothes than from the other people: a brown shirt and black trousers with a sideways eight insignia pinned onto their shirt collars. They take from their pockets a small black and white balls, which soon expand. They press buttons in the middle, and red lights shoot from the balls. Two four legged creatures stand where the red light was before.

Understanding the perilous situation I'm in, I grip the steel bars tightly. Heat flares from within my body and into the bars. The bars melt away leaving molten stumps. Before the men in brown react, I’m gripping one of them by the neck and throttling him. The other creatures are spewing flames onto my body from their mouths, it slightly stings but my attention is completely focused on my intended target. I throttle the man some more, but suddenly, a deep voice, low and sadistic, growls inside of me.

"Kill him...They imprisoned us. It's time for revenge...."

A part of me stops, shocked at this new voice, but my body reacts sooner. My fingernails grow into inch long claws, metallic in colour, and for a brief second my hand, the one I’m using to throttle the man, grows bright red-hot. The man’s throat is incinerated, and his head rolls away, leaving his body to slump to the ground. The voice takes over and simply growls, “Wimp.”

I brush away the creatures that I recognize as Pokémon and turn my attention to the humans. The man in brown speaks into a black box attached on his shoulder. There is a note of urgency in his voice. I ignore the man and chase after the escaping people in white coats They look like easy pickings. I feel impassive at the murder of the man, I should be feeling at least some sort of emotion but now, I'm not in control.

My body is reacting on its own. I’m running down the corridor with a malicious glint in my eye. My fangs glint as I give a wicked smile and tear down the corridor at superhuman speeds, incinerating the humans behind me or ripping out their throats. A few in brown try to oppose me with their Pokémon but I mow through them ripping out their throats as they progress. After a while, I notice a group of men running down one corridor, one of them stumbles, I race forward eager for blood. The person turns to face me, and I stop.

It is a girl. I feel like I know her but, her name eludes me. Her hair is shoulder length, brown, and streaked with silver. Her eyes are a shade of green, and she’s wearing the same white coat as the men before, with a black shirt and skirt underneath. A sideways eight insignia is stitched on her coat collar.

Well, what are you waiting for? Kill her!” The voice growls.

Yet, I cannot bring myself to murder her. I roar in anger and jump over her. I catch one word before I jump.

"Phaiel?’" she whispers.

I smash through the steel double doors as if they were made of paper. There are men in brown guarding the area outside. I slaughter them straight away. They are only trained for outside attacks, but I feel no mercy. I slump to the ground to catch my breath. The voice seems to have deserted me.

On a signboard near the side of the road, I read ‘Neo Groudon Research and Development- a subdivision of the Infinity Conglomerate’. The voice appears at the back of my head again.

It says,"Now you know’".
*********************************************************

My next chapter should appear soon, or tonight. I would appreciate if someone at least gave me a comment.
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 15th, 2009 at 10:10 PM. Reason: Format Fix
  #2    
Old May 1st, 2009, 07:34 AM
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Chapter 2: Awakening
I slowly make my way through the dense forest. I seem to recognize this place from a distant memory. With every step I take, my bare feet burn the grass, leaving a black scorch mark in the shape of a foot. After a while, it dawns on me that I’m not wearing any clothes apart from a pair of black boxers. I don’t feel shame. Why would a pokemon need clothes anyway? I’m tempted to take it off there and then, but then it hits me.

“But I’m a human!!”

“Correction: you used to be human,” a voice growls.

I turn around expecting to see an assailant, but it's just more forest.

“He must be hidden,” I mutter aloud.

“Are you really that thick? I’m inside of you, moron!” The voice snarls.

“But how, how, who, what are you?” I say in desperation.

“You really don’t know, do you, how you could have killed all those guards? How you could have run that fast? How you broke through that door like it was nothing? Cast your memory back, before that glass prison. Try to remember," it growls in that same low, throaty voice.

“I… I remember being kidnapped by men… men in white uniforms. They also took Eve.”

“Interesting. Do you know who this Eve person is?”

“Not really. It’s more of a blank to be honest, but what I do know is that she was someone close to me. What about you?”

“I’ll show you...”

The forest scene in front of me blurs to be replaced by the scene of a massive volcano. An extremely bright Pokemon appears to be staring at the lava apparently using psychic powers. Slowly a glob of lava rises from the volcano. The pokemon is molding the glob into a shape. It looks like a -could it be- a Groudon! Groudon roars, and the volcano shatters into pieces. It begins to spit flames and magma from its mouth into the space around it. Moments after leaving the mouth, the magma hardens and turns to stone. I finally realize that I’m witnessing: the creation of the earth’s landmass. The immensely bright creature is leaving. On the way, it shoots out a sphere of red light which heads towards the foot of the shattered volcano. It cools into what looks like the red orb. Groudon, in the meantime, unfazed by this sudden occurrence, continues spewing magma and creating more land. The scene dissolves, and now I’m looking upon a man dressed in a red coat holding the red orb high above his head. Groudon, agitated at being awoken, lashes out and causes a drought high above the ground. Once again, the scene dissolves. Men in white suits with the sideways eight symbol on their collars are attacking Groudon with their Pokemon. I notice Groudon putting up a good fight, yet the Pokemon belonging to the men in white- Blastoise and Ferraligatrs- are wearing it down by continuously spewing water at it. Finally, Groudon succumbs and slumps down, defeated. The scene dissolves again, and I’m back in the forest.

“So y…you’re G…g…Groudon?”

I stammer nervously.

“Took you long enough. After they stunned me, I was transported back to their headquarters. When I awoke I was in your shrimpy body. Well, I guess that’s fate.”

“But if you’re inside me that means...”

“Yes, they genetically or physically -by some unknown means- fused my body to yours, and I have a hunch that they also added an electric Pokemon –though I don’t know what- which would account for your lightning fast speed and reaction time. As you might have noticed I’m free to take over this body any moment I see fit, but I’m interested to see how this is going to play out. So, I’ll give you free reign.”

With that, the voice of Groudon disappears into the recesses of my mind leaving me alone again. My mind is a complete blank, I don't feel any guilt at all! Suddenly, a thought comes to mind, Its both exciting and fun to consider. Slowly I reach out my palm in front of me and stare at it intently. A moment later flames spring out of my hand, flickering madly and insanely hot yet they don’t scorch me or burn me to a crisp.

“This could be fun”

I grin.
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 16th, 2009 at 12:37 AM. Reason: fomat fix
  #3    
Old May 1st, 2009, 08:23 AM
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What was the bright Pokemon who created the Red Orb? This is really good so far.
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  #4    
Old May 1st, 2009, 06:54 PM
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Oh wow, my first comment. thanks! About that bright pokemon you'll just have to wait and see! BTW i like your signature pic. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as i ejoyed writing it so here goes chapter 3 of Neo Groudon the fanfic enjoy...

Chapter 3: Connection
After walking for what seems to be ages, I finally find myself in Rustboro.

“That’s weird, I’ve never been here before”

“You’ll get used to it, seeing new places, new sights and sounds.”

Groudon growls back.

“What do you mean?! You’ve been sleeping for hundreds of years, what view could you possibly have inside a cave?”

“You’re a very shallow minded person, you know that. I actually created the foundation on which this place stands. Unfortunately, that sick pokemon Kyogre gave this place a seaside after I left”

“You mean Kyogre maker of the seas?”

“Who else”

True enough, to the east was the ocean majestic and beautiful. It met with the land in a rocky coastline and just beyond the coast was a tall building brown bricks and all.

“What are you waiting for?! Enter the town already!”

“I can’t”

I mutter silently.

“Why not?”

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, all I’m wearing is a pair of boxers and unlike you pokemon, I don’t fancy walking around half naked in the middle of the day. I could even get arrested for streaking!”

“Then get yourself some clothes”

“How!”

I shout angrily to the Groudon with less human ethics than a rock.

“Don’t be stupid, you’re stronger than any human. All you have to do is get some clothes if you catch my drift”

“You mean steal?!”

But Groudon had already left, again.

“Sometimes I feel that you do this on purpose Groudon.”

I sigh. I climb up to a tree leaving burn marks on the branches and wait for a suitable candidate.

Not long after, I began to feel tired, but suddenly…

What are you doing up there?”

A voice says. I instinctively turn around and expect to see someone looking at my nudity instead, I see a houndour staring up curiously at me.

“Y…you can talk?!”

I stammer.

“Sure can’t you?”

“But you’re a pokemon”

“So”

The houndour replies.

“You can talk and you’re human. Why can’t we talk, is it a crime?”

“I see you’ve finally met with your first connection to the world of Pokemon. Don’t you know that pokemon can communicate with one another”

Groudon finally answers.

I’m at a loss for words, it was bad enough there’s a talking Groudon in my head, now I can hear other pokemon talk too. What a bittersweet discovery.

“Well, ask him to join you.”

Groudon says as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Join?”

“You know trainer-pokemon relationship. Not the unnatural union of two souls, such as in our case”

Groudon growls…

“Well ok, how would you like to be my first pokemon”

I say, completely aware of how stupid I sound. To my astonishment, houndour simply says,

“I don’t have to be in one of those spherical prisons do I?”

Do I look like I have any on me?”

“Ah, I thought there was something different about you. Other humans wear second skins over their original skins”

“Oh yeah, I’m naked”

I blush as I remember.

“By the way, you’re not really native to Hoenn are you?

“Nope, I escaped”

“From where?”

“Can’t say I remember can I”

Great my first pokemon!

“What’s your name?”

I pause, sitting on the branch I try to recall, but I can’t. I don’t remember.

“What the hell is my name anyway?”

I say aloud…
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 16th, 2009 at 01:55 AM. Reason: format fix
  #5    
Old May 1st, 2009, 11:59 PM
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Looks good so far. An intresting style and plotline.
Keep at it.
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  #6    
Old May 2nd, 2009, 12:22 AM
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this story is great i cnt wait for more of it please hurry i hate being in suspense lol
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Simple and to the point haha
  #7    
Old May 2nd, 2009, 04:01 AM
изм
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Yeah your Fic is shaping up quite well

Keep at it, good work
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  #8    
Old May 2nd, 2009, 05:35 AM
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this is xtremely awesome. I bet it's Rotom or Electric Arceus xDDD
Ur right. Groudon isn't as sick as Kyogre, because Groudon only get's revenge sometimes. Kyogre's greedy.
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  #9    
Old May 2nd, 2009, 08:21 AM
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Thanks, there's this many comments already. Wow... by the way dumbpikAchu how did you know it was Arceus? Ah well it was kinda obvious. Sorry for the long wait here's chapter 4 . Please rate i'm anxious to know about my rating.

Chapter 4: Encounter

A man wearing a reddish overcoat walks down Route 116. He’s whistling a tune, though I don’t know what song it is, neither do I care. I grip the branch tightly leaning slightly towards my intended victim.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Kill him and take his clothes.” Groudon growls impatiently.

“It’s always kill, kill, kill, with you isn’t it, I mean, its fine with enemies, but you can’t just go around slaughtering people. That’s inhumane.” I reply wordlessly inside my head.

“Hellooo, not human remember”, Groudon growls in annoyance.

I ignore him; Groudon has shown a tendency to be extremely violent when it comes down to it. I’ll have to be careful when dealing with him. Even though he’s genderless, I’ve taken to calling Groudon in a masculine context. I don’t feel comfortable calling Groudon ‘it’ and sure as hell don’t want to be sharing my body with a girl!

The man bends down to check something on the ground, I’ve been waiting for this moment, I leap high and extend my foot. In essence kicking him in the head. My foot comes into contact with his head, I hear a satisfying grunt of pain and the man slumps to the ground.

“Hey did that man have a bald patch before you kicked him?”Groudon asks.

“Whoops, I think I overdid it there.” I reply.

“Is he dead master”, asks the Houndour.

“Nah, he’s breathing” I reply.

“Now for the main bit”, I drag the man into the bushes and start undressing him. It takes almost an hour –because of my superheated hands- but it was worth it. I examine my new clothes, it’s a long sleeved black shirt topped of with a red overcoat and a maroon interior. I also take his gloves; they seem to negate the effect of my hands. His boots also help with the heat.

“Whoa, lookin sharp Master”, Houndour says.

“It does have a nice touch to it doesn’t it” I reply.

“I like the red color, its cool” growls Groudon in his semi-happy, semi-sadistic way.

“Hey, by the way Houndour what’s your birth name? There are plenty of Houndour in the world but a name is unique and represents your identity” I ask.

“It’s Shinrin Honoo but my friends call me Shinho silent H which leads to Shino” answers Houndour.

“Well, I’m not sure of mine so why don’t you just call me Phaiel, that’s what the girl in the lab called me.”

“Okay Master Phaiel.”answers Shino.

“You know you can stop calling me Master.” I sigh exasperated.

“Oh, I don’t think you deserve such honorifics.” Growls Groudon slyly.

“Get stuffed” is my eloquent reply.

“Hey master” asks Shino, “You seem to be talking to someone inside your head. Is it your inner demon?”

No”, I sigh, “it’s a long story but I’ll explain to you anyway”

And I spend the better part of thirty minutes recounting my experience which isn’t easy with Shino’s short attention span.

“So you have a Groudon in your head? That’s why you can understand me.” Says Shino.

“Uh-huh”, I grunt annoyed as heck.

A few minutes later, I enter the town of Rustboro with Shino by my side. I feel uncomfortable being around so many people. There are many skyscrapers here and the ocean breeze is refreshing yet it repulses me at the same time.

“Urgh, we’re so bloody close to the ocean. It’s disgusting.” Growls Groudon disgusted.

“Shut up, we’re only here because this was the closest town at hand. We’ll be out as soon as I come out with a plan.” I say.

After a while I come across a tall building with brown bricks, the same one from before. There’s a sign at the gates that read ‘Devon Corp. Rustboro a member of the Infinity Conglomerate’.

“Do you think, they might have answers?” asks Groudon.

“Only one way to find out.” I reply.

Suddenly, I hear a gasp from my back. I quickly turn around and come face to face with the girl from the lab.

“Phaiel, is that you?” she asks.

I’m stunned, who is this girl?
*************************************************
Like i said please rate thx. I'd like to know. Please...
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 16th, 2009 at 02:03 AM. Reason: format fix
  #10    
Old May 2nd, 2009, 02:06 PM
dumbpikAchu's Avatar
dumbpikAchu
suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Making sure that Charizard is still in my butt
Age: 18
Gender:
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heavenly.
No, I thought he was fused to Rotom or Arceus, I was joking 'bout Arceus.
Tell me about the fic you wrote back in '16.
seriously, dude. this is awesome.
Rating: 5/5
Score: 100/100
Grade: A+
Houndour huh? GSC fan lol.
Darn. 200th post. *Sulks in corner*
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE IN HERE?
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Last edited by dumbpikAchu; May 8th, 2009 at 08:17 AM.
  #11    
Old May 3rd, 2009, 12:43 AM
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Sorry for the long wait guys, this is one of the longest chapters so far because its the end of the weekend and i'm only allowed to use the computer on weekends. When posting a comment use the rate feature so i'll know what all you guys think about my fic (its in the additional options advanced mode).( By the way, Quick fact: Shinrin Honoo, Shino's full name means Forest Flame in Japanese). So here it is Enjoy...

Chapter 5: Reconnaissance

I’m being led into the girl’s house, she hasn’t told me her name yet. Her house is a 2 storey bungalow on the side of the town looking out to the sea. I suppress a shudder, “Revolting”, I think.

“You said it Phaiel”, replies Groudon.

The girl beckons me and Shino to the sofa and coffee table. She waits for us to sit down, and then…

“Where have you been, Phaiel? What was with the massacre?! Why did you kill all those people?!” she cries. Tears are coming fast, rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry but who are you?” I ask gently, taken aback at the sudden outburst.

“You honestly don’t remember.” She says stifling a sob, her green eyes watering.

“Well, I guess it can’t be helped, I’m Kana, your childhood friend remember.” She says.

“No, I can’t say I do” I reply blankly.

“I don’t know much but, dad told me that they had found a test subject for the Neo Groudon project. I would have never guessed it was you.” She cries, and burst into tears.

“Sounds interesting, but can you trust her? We saw her work for them remember…” Groudon growls.

“I don’t know, she could be one of them, but I’ll just have to wait and see. For now, I want to worm out as much information as I possibly can.” I reply wordlessly to Groudon inside my head.

Shino looks at me and at Kana expectantly, he doesn’t seem to be interested, but he acts as though he is. He’s probably bored.

“So what is this, Neo Groudon thing? What about this Infinity whatever what are they?” I ask impatiently.

“I don’t know much about The NG project but what I do know is it had something to do with you and a Groudon that they captured weeks ago. About the Infinity Conglomerate, they’re a group of companies under the Higher Ups who control 45% of the world stock market. They’ve even bought over Silph from Kanto and Devon right here in Hoenn. They also control some underground groups but I can’t remember their names.” She answers.

“Is there anyway, I can find out about this project.” I ask.

“Well…” she starts hesitantly, “there is a way, but it’s risky”

“Oh, I like risks” says Groudon inside my head.

“I’ll take it, I need to know how to get rid of this power, why am I like this?” I say.

“Like what?” she asks.

“You mean you don’t know, I thought you worked there since you were wearing that lab coat and all.” I say.

“Even I don’t know what this project was about. Dad only brought me on as a computer programmer at the facility. He never said much about what he did. Course he never found out about you since he was always at work so often. You never talked about your dad either. You were always reluctant to discuss him whenever I brought it up.”

“Well” I start, “I need to know that I can trust you before I tell you.”

“I swear, I’ve been your friend since you were five and you’re still as paranoid as ever. Well, you’ve always liked Fire Pokémon, and you lived in Mosdeep before I moved away to Rustboro. Does that answer your question?” she says with a smile.
Looking over at Shino I realise she’s right I do seem more attached to him since he joined me.

“Fine” I say, “I’ll tell you but keep this between us”

I take of my gloves and expose my hand, slowly I take the cold, untouched tea that was on the table and hold it one hand.

The tea starts to boil vigorously.

“How are you doing that!” she asks in amazement.

“I’m not sure, it has something to do with the Groudon inside me, fused with my soul.

“So that’s what it was about, but what was the purpose.” She says. “What else can you do!” she says suddenly excited.

“I’ll handle this” says Groudon.

I let Groudon have his way. My hands curl inwards and grow slightly larger; my nails grow longer and turn to become the trademark claws of Groudon, my hands feel superheated, electric sparks dance between the metallic claws. Not surprisingly Groudon is able to control the power to a certain degree and places his/my elbows on the table, interlock our fingers in the classic evil genius style and says with my vocal cords

“Hello there, Kana.” In a low throaty growl. “I’m Groudon, creator of Land”.

Groudon grins evilly to reveal a set of vicious razor sharp teeth/fangs. Kana is shocked; she seems to be backing away slowly from the vicious sight that is the fusion of man and Pokémon, the creation of man that is Neo Groudon.
Soon, I revert to my original state and ask,

“So what was that way you were talking about earlier?”

“Oh… umm … yes well, like I said its very risky and involves breaking into the Devon Branch and hacking into their computer systems to obtain the necessary files. But be warned, the employees are adept Pokémon trainers and don’t take lightly to intruders.” She explains nervously.

“Couldn’t we just barge right in and demand the documents-killing everyone in the process?” I ask and Groudon interjects.

“I’m sorry, what!” she exclaims shocked.

“Sorry that last bit was Groudon” I explain.

“Oh, I see. Well even if you did barge in they would wipe the databanks clean before you could even try to reach the mainframe.” She says.

After she explains we sit there silently formulating a plan.

Two hours later it’s dark. The Devon Building looks ominous and foreboding
considering we’re going to break in. Security is lax on the outside so I don’t really have to struggle scaling the walls. I left Shino at Kana’s house, he can’t climb. My claws dig into the brick surface with ease. I’m silently counting the windows to the computer room. Once there, I use my claws to generate a static charge- from the fusion of an unknown electric Pokémon- to unlock the window.

The window clicks open. I climb in quietly and switch on the nearest computer. Plugging in the removable hard disk I wait for the program that Kana wrote to do its work. I overhear a couple of guards outside.

“Hey did you hear” asks the first guard.

“What?” the second one replies.

“The experiment from the Neo Groudon institute up north escaped”

“What, really?!”

“Yeah it seems that a power failure from that thunderstorm a few days ago caused the containment cell to malfunction”

“No kidding, it just goes to show that you can’t be too careful”

“Yeah…”

I turn slowly away; I already know all this, but suddenly

“What about the Omega Kyogre experiment, what about that?”

My ears prick up; this is a new revelation for me.

“I heard that the security there has been tightened”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but only the Higher ups know the location, or maybe the IT guys know too but they’re forbidden to tell”

“What was the test subjects name again?”

“E… E… E something”

My heart’s pounding as I listen to their conversation, I’ve never heard of this Omega Kyogre. Is it like me, or something?

“Oh yeah it’s Eve!”

My heart skips a beat. I feel like I know that person, someone very close to me. At that moment the computer stops downloading the information, the usual ‘Ping” confirmation sounds on the computer.

“WTF was that?!”

“Let’s check it out!”

The door bursts open, in that instance I somersault backwards grabbing disconnecting the Hard drive in the process and pocketing it. I land near the window and smash it open- the time for stealth has past. As the two guards rush into the room, they catch a glimpse of me silhouetted in the moonlight, cloak/overcoat billowing in the night wind, and then I jump.

The guards are shocked and they look out the window but I hide under the ledge. Sirens sound and, I jump from the sixth floor down to the ground cloak billowing behind me I send out a blast of lightning which short circuits the buildings power muting the sirens. I land on the ground smashing hard into the pavement. A fall like that could have killed any normal human but I’m still alive.

“Hey Phaiel, having fun”, Groudon growls.

“You bet", and I race to Kana’s house before they release the poochyena.
Back at Kana’s house I flop down on the sofa exhausted, I handover the documents to Kana but then something that’s been niggling in the back of my head strikes me. I ask

“Kana” she turns, “Who’s Eve?”

“You mean your sister, Eve?” she replies.

Sister!?
******************************************************
I enjoyed writing thisone the most since its long and explains a lot of things.BTW the title font was included with my last post. See you next weekend!
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"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
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SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 16th, 2009 at 01:41 AM. Reason: Format fix
  #12    
Old May 3rd, 2009, 08:06 AM
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I'm liking this fanfiction so far, keep up the good work please. I've been reading it for a while now and I am impressed by the plot. I wonder how it will turn out with his sister since Kyogre is Groudons enemy. Meh, only time can tell.
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  #13    
Old May 3rd, 2009, 10:46 AM
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8/10

It is really coming along well. I hope it wont get too violent though, though Groudon does look like it would kill you.
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  #14    
Old May 3rd, 2009, 11:12 AM
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Just amazing =] i love the story
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  #15    
Old May 4th, 2009, 12:47 AM
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Because I made the offer and because you really deserve more than a one-liner...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo Groudon View Post
in this gel like substance. So many, memories.
Nitpick #1: Because "gel-like" serves as one adjective (i.e., neither a gel nor a like but something that's like a gel), you actually need to hyphenate here.

Nitpick #2: The comma isn't necessary.

Nitpick #3: It might be a good idea to combine this paragraph with the one after it. It's really optional, but it feels like doing a solid break right there causes a rift in the narration, if that makes sense. In other words, it causes what you're trying to say come off as choppy.

Quote:
I remember being born from the depths of the volcano, when I first saw light.
Because I foresee commas being a frequent problem, I'm just going to offer a guide: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/01/

That tells you everything you need to know about commas: when to use them and when not to use them.

Right now, this is one of the "not to" parts.

Quote:
I remember me and Eve being taken in the dark of night.
I'm not sure about this one. Although it's first person POV, the correct way of saying it is "Eve and I." It depends on whether or not your narrator usually speaks casually because the "me and (insert someone here)" arrangement makes people think of either children or people who aren't exactly classy.

Quote:
I start to explore my senses,
Period, not a comma. The reason why is because it's a comma splice if you leave it as is. (In other words, you're trying to connect two full sentences with nothing but a comma, but that just doesn't work.)

Quote:
I feel like I’ve just came to life
Come to life. This sentence is in present tense, so don't switch to past in the middle of it.

Quote:
My last memory was
Again, you're switching tenses. While the event took place in the past, currently, the narrator's last memory is -- as in, it exists right now.

Also, because there's more than one memory, you'll want to make it plural.

Quote:
"Its so, confusing."
Its = possessive form of it.
It's = contraction of "it is."

You'll want the latter here. It's a common mistake, but it's easier to keep straight if you keep in mind that no pronoun has an apostrophe in its possessive form.

Quote:
and see needles affixed to wires jabbed into most parts of my body.
Given that this creature just awoke after practically being reborn and considering it was living in a volcano away from civilization (assuming there's no laboratory in the volcano itself), it seems oddly capable of identifying human objects like needles.

Quote:
Its filled with a cold gel like substance.
You seem to repeat yourself now and then. First, you told us multiple times that the creature came from a volcano, and now, you're repeating the fact that he's suspended in a gel-like substance when you told us that in the second line. You'll want to avoid doubling back on your words because it tends to create a looping effect -- as in, the reader sees it doubling back on itself and ends up slightly disoriented.

Or, in another sense, it makes your narration rather dry because you keep going back to images we've already seen.

Quote:
Many days later,
O_o That's a rather abrupt transition. I would've done a scene break in between these if not find a way to somehow make the first part of this scene significant enough to stand on its own. Right now, it feels like you just showed us him awakening but nothing happened. So, we're left to think he's just stayed awake doing nothing for the next several days.

(That and it would've been interesting to see the transformation happen if you're going to have a moment where he's normal and another where he's suddenly human. Nothing says "Hi, I'm starting this fic" than pain because it's really a dynamic boom to start things off. Or maybe I just really like seeing characters get tortured. You know. Whichever.)

Quote:
I find out my entire body structure, its human but my fingernails seem sharper, much sharper than usual, my teeth seem tougher and my hands and mouth seem warmer in comparison to the rest of my body.
I had to read this over a couple of times because the first part of this seemed like you were trying to do a comma splice again but failed to complete the first thought. O_o Seriously, I'd suggest breaking this up into multiple sentences and putting more detail into what things look like. Right now, we have a vague idea of appearance, but you seem to rush through it. Take your time.

Quote:
Suddenly, I’m jerked awake,
Wait. What? Isn't he already? O_o

Quote:
I feel the stinging water.
Considering he's basically a human, would water still affect him?

Also, why would the scientists fill his chamber with something that would just piss him off? I mean, if your subject is likely to do this:

Quote:
I feel angry, pulling back my hands I ball up my knuckles into a fist and punch the glass…Hard.

The glass shatters into a million pieces,
You'd probably want something to keep him in check. (I mean, it just seems rather cliche to have the troupe of scientists do something to tick their creation off and annihilate the laboratory. If numerous science fiction movies have taught us anything, it's that angry subject + crappy cage = dead scientist.)

But ranting aside...

Quote:
full blown panic has erupted in the cavern, I step out of the cylinder, steam erupts from my back -the water vaporising in the instance it makes contact with my back.
No, really. It's perfectly okay to have more than two sentences in a paragraph.

Quote:
The voice takes over and simply growls

“wimp”.
Not sure why you did a line break here, considering it's dialogue. Instead, attach the first line in this quote to what he says and add a comma. In other words, this is how you properly punctuate dialogue:

The voice takes over and simply growls, "wimp."

(Note also that the mark of punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. Otherwise, it's like you're omitting it from the end of any ordinary sentence.

Quote:
Well, what are you waiting for, kill her!”.
The period isn't necessary here because the exclamation point already serves as the ending mark of punctuation.

Also, there's a question here, so you'll need a question mark.

Quote:
And yet I can’t bring myself to murder her. I roar in anger, jump over her – I catch one word before I jump "Phaiel?’" she whispers.
Whenever you do dialogue, put it in its own paragraph to separate it from the action. It's a lot like a topic change.

Quote:
‘Neo Groudon research and development
I get the feeling all of this (except the "and") should be capitalized because it's part of a name.

Also, does this research facility have no security? O_o Yes, the creature is powerful, but still, it seems like there was no one who put up remotely a fight.


Okay, so, it's right now very late for me, so I'll have to cut this review short and maybe come back for the rest later. What I can see, though, is that you've got a lot of problems in the language department. I'd highly advise you to check out the Beta Thread in Writer's Lounge for someone to help proofread your work. Also, when you're done writing a chapter, don't just immediately post it. Make sure you read it over aloud to catch any errors yourself. Then, send your work off to a beta like I said just a moment ago to clean up any odd errors. Right now, your work is littered with a lot of them -- mostly comma errors (especially comma splices). At certain points, I actually had to stop and reread what you wrote because I didn't quite get what you said the first time around. In order to make things easy for your reader (so that they can focus only on the story), you'll need to iron those errors out.

In terms of storyline, however, you seem like you're rushing things. One moment, we're looking at the creature before his transformation, and literally the next, we see him human-like. There's no space in between, no smooth transition. It's just a rough "many days later." Likewise, you have him break out of the research facility without any trouble whatsoever. No one was there to put up a fight. He just incinerated everyone without naming names and kept on going. We don't even really get a feeling for why he felt he had to break out other than the voices in his head told him to kill them all because he was pissed off by water. Slow down and draw it out a bit more. I'm not saying write an epic in the beginning. Just give us something that doesn't feel so abrupt. Do scene breaks. Add more description. Have stuff happen. Just don't say, "BOOM. Okay, I'm out now."

Other than that, it's okay for a beginner's fic, but with some practice and reminders that you'll need to slow down, it could be better.
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  #16    
Old May 4th, 2009, 03:18 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
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Thanks for the review Valentine. But, i woud appreciate if everyone actually reads the comments at the beginning and end of my fics. They could be useful.

Example 1 (to Valentine)
Quote:
this is one of the longest chapters so far because its the end of the weekend and i'm only allowed to use the computer on weekends
Please remember this fact. Today was an exception since I just checked in for a while and was given permission. I read smewhere that if mistakes aren't corrected within 2 days the thread will be closed. I think i read that in the rules....
You can correct me if i'm wrong but i'd rather not take the risk. SO, this in mind please save your comments (about writing mistakes and errors) in Microsoft word or notepad and only post it on Friday, Timezone GMT + 8.00. Other comments are fine. No, i'm not saying just post good comments, i'm not that vain.

Now for the main bit (no this isn't part of the fic)

Number 1
Quote:
Also, because there's more than one memory, you'll want to make it plural.


Quote:
"Its so, confusing."
Its = possessive form of it.
It's = contraction of "it is."
I was just following Microsoft spellchecker so sorry for the mistake.

Number 2
and see needles affixed to wires jabbed into most parts of my body.
Quote:
Given that this creature just awoke after practically being reborn and considering it was living in a volcano away from civilization (assuming there's no laboratory in the volcano itself), it seems oddly capable of identifying human objects like needles.
Quote:
If you read the later chapters (i know you were tired), you would see that he's a combination of both human and pokemon thus, he is perfectly capable of identifiying human objects from his human memory. By the way this creature is in his human form, (Budget cut on cylinder containment cells) so the cylinder would be smaller and thus he would not crush the cave if he escaped. Besides he technically speaking wasn't reborn, its just his body was fused into a Groudon's so he was reborn in a sense not from the womb or egg.

Number 3

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Many days later,
O_o That's a rather abrupt transition. I would've done a scene break in between these if not find a way to somehow make the first part of this scene significant enough to stand on its own. Right now, it feels like you just showed us him awakening but nothing happened. So, we're left to think he's just stayed awake doing nothing for the next several days.
In fact what happened here was that he drifted back to sleep and came in and out of consciousness a few times throughout those days. Sorry for not being clearer. thus that was how he explored his body structure.

Number 4

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I feel the stinging water.
Considering he's basically a human, would water still affect him?

Also, why would the scientists fill his chamber with something that would just piss him off? I mean, if your subject is likely to do this:

Quote:
I feel angry, pulling back my hands I ball up my knuckles into a fist and punch the glass…Hard.

The glass shatters into a million pieces,
You'd probably want something to keep him in check. (I mean, it just seems rather cliche to have the troupe of scientists do something to tick their creation off and annihilate the laboratory. If numerous science fiction movies have taught us anything, it's that angry subject + crappy cage = dead scientist.)
Ok, firstly the gel was meant to subdue him and not piss him off. Only when it melted (Don't ask me if gel can melt its just a story) because of the power failure, did it annoy him. Because Groudon is a fire pokemon it would piss him off but then he's also a human so it wouldn't completely kill him.
Secondly, the glass cage was meant for viewing purposes for the scientist to observe. Also in Chapter 5 the guards stated that security was upgraded at the other facility, so the scientsts here were probably lax on security since they never though it could escape. Seriously, it was there first experiment and they had no idea of the strength.

Number 5
Quote:
One moment, we're looking at the creature before his transformation, and literally the next, we see him human-like. There's no space in between, no smooth transition. It's just a rough "many days later." Likewise, you have him break out of the research facility without any trouble whatsoever. No one was there to put up a fight. He just incinerated everyone without naming names and kept on going. We don't even really get a feeling for why he felt he had to break out other than the voices in his head told him to kill them all because he was pissed off by water. Slow down and draw it out a bit more. I'm not saying write an epic in the beginning. Just give us something that doesn't feel so abrupt. Do scene breaks. Add more description. Have stuff happen
Quote:
Right, like i said he was already human so the cage would fit so there was no initial transformation.
Next, no one put up a fight because security was lax like i said.
And finally, he wasn't really pissed off because, it was more like Groudon's killer instinct and Groudon liked to kill anyway as mentioned in the later chapters
---------------------------------------
Other than that thanks for the review and please bear in mind what i said at the beginning. BTW i love your Pokemon Mystery Theater series, its hilarious. Oh, i've fixed most of what you've mentioned by the way. Thanks again.
And see you on the WEEKENDS.
PS. Remember other quotes are fine even negative ones just review ones with mistakes i have to correct are to be saved till Friday, GMT + 8.00 Kuala Lumpur, Singapore. so i can correct them at my leisure.
__________________
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"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
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SWC 2012 Second Place
  #17    
Old May 4th, 2009, 06:47 AM
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JX Valentine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo Groudon View Post
and i'm only allowed to use the computer on weekends
And? Just save your file in Word and come back to it later. I don't have time to write chapters to my own fic that often because of real life, so all I do is just save it and come back. =/ It gives me time to proofread what I have written on a more careful level as well, and it means I can edit my story whenever I'd like without going back to the thread. (It's recommended that you save the comments you get in a Word file as well in case you run out of time to edit.)

Quote:
I read smewhere that if mistakes aren't corrected within 2 days the thread will be closed.
You may want to reread the rules because that's not in them. (The forum rules are stickied for easier access at a later date. It's usually a good idea to check them now and then, not only to familiarize yourself with them but also because they tend to change now and then.)

Not to mention this rule would generally be illogical. People need time to work on their fanfiction, even for editing purposes, and not everyone can read reviews as soon as they get them. (You're an example. I'm an example when it's finals week.) So naturally, they'd need more than two days to correct things.

Quote:
SO, this in mind please save your comments (about writing mistakes and errors) in Microsoft word or notepad and only post it on Friday, Timezone GMT + 8.00.
Reviewers can comment whenever they'd like because this is a thread. As I've said, the correction rule doesn't exist. I've corrected my own fic constantly, even the parts I posted back in October. It's actually encouraged that you go back and edit your older parts in order to revise and shape your fic a bit better over time.

Quote:
I was just following Microsoft spellchecker so sorry for the mistake.:embarrass
Again, note the part where I said "it's a common mistake." Both words are actually words, so Microsoft won't be able to recognize that it's an error via spell checker because you're spelling it correctly. However, it's the wrong word to use because it's a homophone, not the one you actually want to use. That's why I said it's something you'll need to learn how to keep straight because the computer won't catch it for you. (It's also why I told you to get a beta reader because a beta reader would also be able to catch it.)

Quote:
If you read the later chapters (i know you were tired), you would see that he's a combination of both human and pokemon thus, he is perfectly capable of identifiying human objects from his human memory.
At the time, he was mainly a pokémon and a newborn human in mentality. You've actually implied this within the first chapter when you say he feels like he's just come to life. (It's a bit vague as to what that might mean.) As in, he wouldn't be able to identify human objects because his human memory hasn't fully developed. It's basically like expecting a baby to recognize a hypodermic needle.

On the other hand, I also read this at four in the morning and am responding when I've been awake for less than an hour, so it may just be me missing something.

Quote:
By the way this creature is in his human form, (Budget cut on cylinder containment cells:)) so the cylinder would be smaller and thus he would not crush the cave if he escaped.
Um... but apparently he did, and it's odd that the scientists would take risks either way. Budget cut or no, you'd think they'd have enough money before getting their funding dropped to build descent defenses.

Quote:
In fact what happened here was that he drifted back to sleep and came in and out of consciousness a few times throughout those days.
Good. Now go state it in the story, and that'd be great.

Quote:
Ok, firstly the gel was meant to subdue him and not piss him off.
I never said it did. I said the water would piss him off.

Quote:
Only when it melted (Don't ask me if gel can melt its just a story) because of the power failure,
Uh... no. Basically think of it like jello. At room temperature, jello remains mostly solid. It's only when you heat it that it melts, and we're not even talking room temperature here. On the other hand, the creature's body emanates heat, but either way, you don't explain that it's simply the gel melting. You simply say that the gel is replaced with water, which implies that they actually drained the tube and are replacing it with water for whatever reason. Not to mention you don't mention the power failure at the time either. That would probably be something he would have noticed, particularly if there were lights inside the room at the time.

(Also, somehow, I missed that you didn't capitalize the pronoun I at the beginning of this paragraph. Chalk it up to reading this fanfiction at four in the morning, but either way, the pronoun I is always capitalized without exception.)

Quote:
Because Groudon is a fire pokemon
It's a ground-type. (Look it up in an online pokédex.)

Quote:
Secondly, the glass cage was meant for viewing purposes for the scientist to observe.
This still doesn't explain why the only thing that was subduing him was the gel. (Even then, gel doesn't really hold back a person unless it was made of anesthetic.)

Quote:
Also in Chapter 5 the guards stated that security was upgraded at the other facility, so the scientsts here were probably lax on security since they never though it could escape.
O_o Considering what this experiment is, this explanation doesn't actually make sense. He's a valuable subject and fused to a legendary, so of course there should be better security.

(Then again, randomly capturing and fusing a human to a legendary doesn't make sense either. I don't care if it is explained in later chapters.)

Quote:
Seriously, it was there first experiment and they had no idea of the strength.
He was fused to a legendary. O_o One's going to assume he's going to be pretty damn strong.

Quote:
Right, like i said he was already human so the cage would fit so there was no initial transformation.
That's not what I meant. I meant you were jumping in time, with no smooth transition from one event to another, and beyond that, events seemed to take five seconds because you'd only spend brief little blips of writing covering everything from the beginning of the experiment to his escape. For example, the pre-experiment part before the transformation and the post-experiment part after are linked by "many days later," but this is an abrupt change that will smack the reader in the face.

Quote:
Next, no one put up a fight because security was lax like i said.
Which still doesn't make sense, any way you look at it.

Quote:
And finally, he wasn't really pissed off because, it was more like Groudon's killer instinct and Groudon liked to kill anyway as mentioned in the later chapters
Um... I don't think Groudon would logically have a killer instinct. Groudon's a legendary, not a bloodthirsty killer. Its only goal is really to expand the land (because that's why it exists in the first place), and if it kills anything along the way (besides Kyogre), that's accidental.

Additionally, this should also tell you that you'll want to add more detail to your story -- perhaps make it clear that it wasn't him that was getting irritated because otherwise, the first thing we logically think when you say "I roar with pain and annoyance" is that he is the one getting pissed.

Quote:
BTW i love your Pokemon Mystery Theater series, its hilarious.
Thanks.

Quote:
Oh, i've fixed most of what you've mentioned by the way. Thanks again.
Um... you may want to still get a beta reader. Just by glancing at it, you still have a problem with commas, sorting dialogue, and did you really just put "I and Eve" instead of "Eve and I"?


Long story short, your problems still lie in the fact that you're not explaining much. While it's a first chapter and first person POV, he'd notice a lot more than he already does right now. (For example, a power failure would be pretty blinking obvious to him, especially if he retained his human memory.) Not to mention you don't seem entirely familiar with the language, so you really should get a beta to help you. In fact, to help you out, this is the Beta Place.
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Last edited by JX Valentine; May 4th, 2009 at 07:20 AM.
  #18    
Old May 4th, 2009, 02:09 PM
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Astinus
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I'm the writer of the current set of rules, and the set of rules that PFF&P since around November 2007, and I can safely state that there was never any rule that a story's mistakes must be revised in two days or the thread gets closed. There was a rule stating that the author of a thread (if the story was lacking in quality in any major way) must show some kind of improvement, after receiving a review, in their next chapter or else the thread was warned/closed.

But there was never, is not, nor will there ever be a time limit to when you can edit/post your chapters. So even if you can only check the computer on Fridays, the reviews will still be here so you can read them over when you get the chance and work on your story in your own time.
  #19    
Old May 10th, 2009, 03:50 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
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Sorry for the long wait, is my fic terrible? There have been no new comments or ratings since I last posted. Ah well, I still enjoy writing regardless. I haven't been able to upload any stories lately due to my laggy connection to PC I'm not sure if it's my Internet Connection or PC servers? If you noticed, Here it is, for people who actually want to read...
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Chapter 6: Eve
Kana has been in her room for four days now. Her house is a mansion. She stocked up on everything she needed before retreating to her room to interpret the information. I haven't heard from her since and she told me to help myself to her fridge. I'm not hungry but I found some Poke treats for Shino.

Before she left for her room, I pumped her for information.

*Four days ago*

“Sister?! I have a sister?!” I shout, shocked at this new revelation.

“Yes” she answers patiently “Your twin sister actually- fraternal” she says, “After we graduated from The U of J (University of Johto), we split our separate ways. I came here to Hoenn, to work under my father in the Infinity Conglomerate –that was before I knew of what they really did, you left for Sinnoh to become a Senior Aide to Professor Rowan and then start your own research on Pokémon. Eve returned to Kanto, she said something about visiting home before going to the Orange Islands to study the Pokémon there. I haven’t heard from either of you until today.” She explains.

“Twin sister! And I used to live in Kanto?” I say confused

“Yes we used to live in Celadon if I’m not mistaken” she answers.

“But... but...” I stammer.

She holds up her hand and says

“That’s enough; I’m going to go upstairs to encrypt this info. You can help yourself to the fridge and there are some treats for your Houndour in the cupboard.”

“His name is Shino” I say.

“Oh... Ok then, well bye see you in a few days.” She says while carrying an armful of food up to her room and slamming the door with her foot.

*Four days later*

There is not much to do in Kana’s house; I guess she must be devoted to her work. The only thing that keeps me slightly entertained is the TV.
I’m in the living room flicking through the channels; one particular broadcast catches my eye.

“We’re here live at the scene of the crime from four days ago. For people who have just tuned in and are too oblivious to recognize when a crime has been committed near your home, here’s a quick recap. Four days ago, sometime at night, a burglar, whom witnesses and the investigative theme now refer to as ‘the shadow’ was seen inside the computer lab of the Devon building. Two guards, Derek and Wurtheiser, were outside guarding the entrance to the computer lab when they heard a ‘ping’ sound. As most computer users know, this sound is usually associated with something being removed from a USB port. In this case, it happened to be a removable hard disk as officials have just released. After hearing this sound, Derek and Wurtheiser made their way into the room to find ‘the shadow’ somersaulting through the air, grabbing the disk in the process and smashing through the window.” Says a female news reporter.
“It is unknown whether the thief survived the fall or if he had a parachute but officials now claim that precious and secretive data was, the thief’s intended target. As we know any information pertaining to the Infinity Conglomerate is highly sensitive and authorities urge the thief or anyone who has information regarding to the robberies come forth immediately. A full pardon has been prepared if the thief decides to turn himself in.” She says.

“Police Chief Officer Nina Jenny –one of the siblings of the famous Jenny family of police officers- had this to say.”She says and the camera pans to a woman with greenish-blue hair.

“Shadow or whatever your real name is, we will not stop until we find you and I assure you we will. In case your conscience is disturbing you, we have prepared a full pardon in case you wish to turn yourself in. Know this however, we have employed the very best in looking for you and will not give up till you are found.” The woman says.
The screen pans back to the reporter,

“In other news, scientists from the weather institute near Fortree say that this heat wave in Rustboro should end in a couple of days. This has been Sarah Traitivum, Jubilife News, Hoenn Branch, signing off.

I switch of the television. My attention is diverted to a small lavender cushion at one corner of the living room while I think about this new development. It seems that the police are now after me although they didn’t mention anything about recognizing me so I should be safe.

Suddenly, the furry lavender cushion starts to twitch. I’m shocked. The thing that I mistook for a cushion extends four legs that were tucked underneath its belly. Its fur is lavender in colour and is quite shiny. Finally, the creature extends its head, it is a feline shape but with a mouth that is not so visible at a first glance. Its eyes have no irises but its sclera is purple and almond shaped. There’s a ruby affixed to its forehead and its ears and tail are split into two halves. It yawns and stretches out its body. It looks around groggily the way most people do when they’ve just woken up.

“Kana?”it says sleepily. I realise I can understand it and I recognize it as an Espeon from my memories.

Espeon stretches once more and seems to notice me. Instinctively, it jumps back and hisses.

“Where’s Kana?!” it asks menacingly “Oh right, you’re human you can’t understand me.” Says Espeon. Then Espeon starts shouting out “Kana! Kana! There’s an Intruder, he’s in the living room!”

“Whoa, slow down I’m not an intruder. “ I say defensively.
Shino bounds forward from behind me

“Don’t worry Master Phaiel, I’ll take care of this” Shino says.
Shino races forward baring his fangs intent on using a bite move on Espeon. Espeon swiftly dodges and using its psychic powers grabs a nearby book and lobs it at Shino with the accuracy of an Olympian marksman. Shino rolls out of the way and tries to tackle Espeon. Espeon however, jumps up high and floats there out of harms way.

Suddenly, Kana arrives down at the foot of the stairs. Shino and I are distracted. Espeon meanwhile, was preparing a psybeam attack, the gem on its head glowing multicoloured, but as soon as Kana came down, Espeon, distracted, immediately releases the Psybeam hitting the wall.

“Kana! Where have you been? How long have I been asleep?” says Espeon all traces of hostility vanishing in an instance.

“Oh, Sayu, you’re awake.” Says Kana.

The Espeon I now know by the name of Sayu drifts slowly into Kana’s arms. She’s (Sayu) still glaring at us suspiciously though.

“You didn’t tell me you had an Espeon,” I say.

“Oh that’s right, I keep forgetting you don’t remember. Maybe if I gave you this it would help you jog your memory. I found it in my drawer” She throws an ornate silver picture frame to me.

I catch it and stare at the picture inside the frame. There are three people in the picture, they’re all happy and wearing black robes and what I recognise as graduation hats. They’re all holding scrolls with black ribbons tied to them. There are two girls and one boy in the picture. One of the girls on the leftmost I recognize as Kana with her brown and silver hair, there is an Eevee on her shoulder. The boy in the middle looks vaguely familiar then I realise he’s me! I look younger in the photograph and this is the first time since I woke up that I’ve actually seen my face. I have green eyes too and my hair is black but slightly brown. The girl on the rightmost that I think I recognise is...

“Its Eve,” Kana says as though reading my thoughts “The girl on the rightmost is Eve and that’s me with Sayu when she was younger.

Eve in the picture is the same height as me, she has the same hair colour but she dyed hers slightly blue. She looks happy enough. Memories flood back into my mind, Eve, Kana and I we’re all at the Graduation ceremony of the UJ. We’re receiving our diplomas. I snap back into reality.

“What about that information?” I ask.
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__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place

Last edited by Mizan de la Plume Kuro; May 16th, 2009 at 01:52 AM.
  #20    
Old May 15th, 2009, 01:09 AM
QWERTY-My-Keyboard's Avatar
QWERTY-My-Keyboard
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: The Computer room
Gender:
Nature: Lonely
Oh, i didn't know you were a writer in PC. Well, since you told me about PC, I've been hooked. Which was like 2 hours ago. I guess since you told me about this i should give a review.

One of the things that really bugs me is the small font. I can barely read it.

Aside from that, i think you might have a few grammar mistakes.

Overall, I think the story is awesome!
There's a plot twist after every chapter, it keeps making me come back for more!

I love this story!
I wonder how it will turn out with Eve???
  #21    
Old May 15th, 2009, 07:41 PM
JX Valentine's Avatar
JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Harassing Bill
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
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I'm going to go back over your first chapter the same way I do with my beta clients: red font everywhere. If I have to make a comment, I'll do so in parentheses (like so). The only reason why I'm doing this is because I'm not entirely sure I got across what I was trying to say the first time around, so your edits actually introduced more errors. Like I said, you really should be getting an actual beta to do this for you before you post.

I will also be going over chapter two in essentially the same way.

Also, I'm not sure why you have two Times New Roman tags per line throughout your first post or why you've put so many font tags in all of your posts, period. If it's the result of copy-pasting, try switching off WYSIWYG mode by clicking on the button in the top right corner of the post reply box that looks like A/A. If you hover over it, it's called "switch editor mode." By switching off WYSIWYG, you're forcing the forums to strip the coding from your work.

If you're doing it by hand, you just need font tags at the beginning and end of your post, not at the beginning and end of every line. It saves time, and the forum recognizes it either way.

Although to really save time and to guarantee that your reader can read what you're posting, a great thing to do would be to use no font tags at all. Same with color. That way, no matter what style they're on, you know they don't have to highlight or squint to understand what you're trying to say.

Quote:
"Cold… so cold…"

I do not remember how long I’ve been here (No comma. Note that if you replace the comma and the "or" with a period, you end up with one complete sentence and one incomplete. This means that this isn't a compound sentence.) or why I am here. My mind is a jumbled mix of memories. Flashes of my life and of someone I don’t know.

I remember being born in (Unless you mean he literally sprang from a volcano, fully formed.) the depths of the volcano and when I first saw light. I remember Eve and me (I only goes in any situation where you would normally say I by itself. As in, if you can say "I remember I being taken in the dark of night," then you can leave it as-is.) being taken in the dark of night.

"These memories are so...conflicted." It’s as if I've been living two lives but just realised it.

I feel unfamiliar with this body, and yet, I recognise it at the same time.

"It's so, confusing."

I slip in and out of consciousness for the next few days. Each time I awaken, (Semicolons are very rarely used, and they're usually for compound sentences, not dependent clauses.) I discover something new about my body. I notice my nails are sharper than usual. I feel like I could smash through anything with these nails.
As a note, the repetition of the same word over and over again at the beginning of every sentence causes your narration to slow down and become a bit dry. It's good if you want a jerking feel – such as if you're trying to create suspense – but for ordinary description, try to come up with different ways to begin a sentence.

Quote:
They have a greyish tinge to them and feel inhuman. My teeth are no more. Instead, I have razor sharp fangs. Oddly enough, I can’t bite through my cheeks –not that I want to- because they’ve become insanely hard.
Basically, you're saying he can't bite through his cheeks because his teeth are hard. As in, the fact that his teeth are hard has something to do with the fact that he can't bite through his cheeks. I would suggest finding a way to rephrase that because I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant.

Also, fangs are teeth. (Specifically, they're the canine teeth, the same kind we humans have, only sharper.)

Quote:
My eyesight has improved a great deal than the way it was in my memories. (Otherwise, it sounds rather awkward.) In contrast with the rest of my body, (You offset the word "however" when it appears in the middle of a sentence by commas because it's a parenthetical. Simply put, it doesn't need to be there, but you put it in there for clarification.) however, my hands, feet, mouth and gut feel abnormally warmer.

I start to explore my surroundings rather than my own body. I realise I am in a cylindrical container of about the length of two of my arms stretched out wide. My surroundings are white in colour. Everywhere I look, I see the same bright white light. I realise that every thirty (Again, write out numbers from zero to ninety-nine unless it's the date, an address, an ordinal, or a time like 7:35 PM.) seconds, I am sprayed by a white substance coming from somewhere in the container. It irritates me, but I feel weak and powerless afterwards.

My body feels slightly irritated. I can feel something. It feels like something is poking into my skin. I open my eyes and see strange long sharp thorns (No dashes here. Dashes are only used whenever you would use parentheses, and you really should only use parentheses very rarely in narration.) that I recognize as needles
If he recognizes them as needles, you don't need to say they're thorns.

Quote:
affixed to long shiny small tubes -which I think are called wires-
Same here. If he thinks they're wires, just call them wires. Otherwise, your writing becomes overly wordy, and your descriptions become redundant.

Quote:
jabbed into most parts of my body. I slowly become aware of a small beeping sound every few seconds. Outside, I hear whispered conversations being held. If I focus intently with my eyes, I can break through the white mist and see outside. Men with white coats dart to one corner of a giant cavern. I slowly lose interest and drift back to sleep, partly because of the white spray.

Suddenly, I’m jerked awake. The surroundings are no longer white but are now a dull metallic colour except for the front, which is covered by a thick glass pane.
I made this correction because the repetition of the word "front" in such a short space causes this sentence to become awkward. You can play around with the phrasing (and, in fact, are encouraged to do so – please don't copy and paste my corrections without looking at them first and trying to understand what I'm trying to tell you), but the point is, the repetition of the word "front" makes your writing feel a little redundant. Not to mention such a short sentence to describe one thing feels a little unnecessary.

Quote:
I walk forward slowly on the cold, hard floor. The wires and needles are jerked out of my body as I walk forward.
Again, because you already establish that he's walking forward, it seems redundant and awkward to say that he's doing so again. It would be a good idea to combine these two sentences into one or at least to remove the part about walking forward in the second sentence (possibly replacing it with something else, considering ripping IVs out of one's own body improperly tends to hurt like a ***** – and, yes, I know this from experience).

Also, isn't he in a smaller tube? Or did you change that as well? Because a moment ago, you were saying it's only about the size of two of his arms stretched out (although you don't really specify if they're human or groudon), which means he doesn't have that far to go to rip these things out.)

Quote:
I stare through the glass and into the room outside, I see dozens of men in white coats running around frantically. A red light illuminates the room. I can hear them talk.

“You blithering idiot! Why are the backup generators taking so long to switch to the mains?!” says one of them while shaking the body of another one vigorously.
Again, if the power went out:

1. The subject would notice.
2. I don't believe there would be flashing red lights (if it was completely out).
3. This doesn't explain why the liquid in the tube has randomly drained, considering power =/= drain system.

Quote:
“I...I... I don’t know!” he splutters. “It's (Its = possessive form of it. It's = contraction of "it is." The apostrophe replaces the second I in the latter.) not my job, sir. The boys down in tech are supposed to deal with these eventualities.”
Because you already have a dialogue tag, it's not necessary to have another one in the same paragraph. You already establish who's speaking and how.

Quote:
I realise that the situation is critical. I understand their words from my memories. It is as if I’m re-learning everything I’ve ever learnt from my memories.
Also, repeating the end of a sentence tends to feel redundant. I would suggest replacing the second "from my memories" with something along the lines of "in my past life." Play around with it, but don't just settle for "in my memories" again.

Quote:
Encountering something new seems to jolt something in my memory. Instinctively, I pull back my hand, and it glows red-hot. I ball it up into a fist and smash it into the glass with surprising speed.

The glass shatters into a million pieces. I step out into the room, my feet melting the floor beneath me. Between me and the rest of the room, large metal bars protrude from the ground to the ceiling. It feels just like a jail-cell. The men are yelling at one another, and a few that I didn’t notice a moment ago
"Realize" means "to understand just now." Notice would be more along the lines of you just spotted it.

Also, note the lack of a comma at the end of this piece as well as the change from "before" to "a moment ago." Before is a preposition, so something needs to go after it. Also, a comma just doesn't have a function here.

Quote:
run to the bars all the way from the back of the room. They are wearing different clothes: a brown shirt and black trousers with a sideways eight insignia pinned onto their collars. They take from their pockets small black and white balls (Unless the group has only one ball, this should be plural.), which soon expand. They press buttons in the middle, and red lights shoot from the balls. Four-legged creatures stand where the red lights were. (Again, just agreement problems, really. The men most likely have multiple balls between them, so there's multiple lights and multiple four-legged – hyphenated because it's one adjective – creatures.)

Realising
Okay, you keep using this word over and over again. It's okay to use your thesaurus so long as you know what the replacement words you want to use actually mean. As in, if you want to find a synonym for "realize," by all means, go right ahead. (However, yes, as a warning, you'll want to be familiar with what those synonyms actually mean before using them.)

Quote:
the perilous situation, I grip the steel bars tightly. Electrical energy surges from my body into the bars. The bars melt away leaving molten stumps.
…Wait, what? O_o

First off, okay, so Groudon can learn Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt. Still, it seems rather convenient that this character, who can barely think straight as it is, suddenly knows exactly how to do it. Granted, Groudon's probably interfering, but your writing just doesn't imply that that's what's going on. Right now, we read this and think that it's the human (the one who's narrating this story) who's executing the maneuver, which makes one wonder how he could pull this kind of stunt off.

Second, electricity does not cause metal to melt completely – especially in the Pokémon universe. If anything, metal can either conduct electricity and channel it into the ground/other point or serve as an insulator and resist electricity in the first place. Basically speaking, if you cut open a wire, what you'll find is, yes, metal. 'Course, it depends on what the bars are made out of, but if the answer is steel or iron, no, it's not going to melt just by a few seconds of electricity. If the answer is aluminum or tin… no. And if it's copper, then the result's probably going to hurt the character more than the bars.

Point is, you're writing science fiction, so you'll really want to pay close attention to science and all those little details. Look things up on Google before adding them into your fic. Even small things like "will this melt at X temperature, and what voltage of electricity for how much time would generate X temperature?" should be double-checked.

Quote:
Before the men in brown react, I’m gripping one of them by the neck tightly and throttling him. The other creatures are spewing flames from their mouths onto my body to no effect.
Ground-types (such as Groudon) have a 1x weakness to fire, and the kid's currently flesh and blood. I'm not sure if he would logically shrug off multiple Flamethrowers. (If we're going by game logic, this should make even less sense because fire attacks would double in power in the vicinity of Groudon. However, this depends on whether or not you consider Drought – and, therefore, Sunny Day – to only have an effect outside.)

Quote:
I ignore them. I throttle the man some more, but suddenly, a deep voice, low and sadistic, growls inside of me.

"Kill him... They imprisoned us. It's time for revenge...."

A part of me stops, shocked at this new voice, but my body reacts sooner. My fingernails grow into inch long claws, metallic in colour, and for a brief second my hand, the one I’m using to throttle the man, grows bright red-hot. The man’s throat is incinerated, and his head rolls away, leaving his body to slump to the ground. The voice takes over and simply growls, “Wimp.”

I brush away the creatures that I recognize as Pokémon and turn my attention to the humans. The man in brown speaks into a black box attached on his shoulder. There is a note of urgency in his voice. I ignore the man and chase after the escaping people in white coats. They look like easy pickings.

My body is reacting on its own. I’m running down the corridor with a malicious glint in my eye. My fangs (I'm not sure why this is italicized. You've already established that he has fangs and not teeth earlier in the story.) glint as I give a wicked smile and tear down the corridor at superhuman speeds, incinerating the humans behind me or ripping out their throats.
Side note, but I never really thought of Groudon as being particularly fast. In fact, if we consider its in-game speed (90) as an indicator for how fast it should be, it's most likely average. It can probably sprint, but run at blinding speeds? Probably not.

In fact, if you want a comparison, Groudon's speed is the same as Furret's, and it's outsped by Grovyle.

Quote:
A few in brown try to oppose me with their Pokémon but I mow through them ripping out their throats as they progress. After a while, I notice a group of men running down one corridor. One of them stumbles, and I race forward eager for blood.
It's a bit strange that this former human has no qualms with killing. Granted, Groudon wants him to kill because they were taken captive, but it's clear they're two different mindsets. He doesn't think about it and doesn't argue or contemplate whether or not he should. He just does it. Why? Up until now, he seems to be human or at least one disoriented creature. He doesn't seem angry, and revenge or hatred towards his targets doesn't seem to cross his mind before the voice in his head tells him to kill everyone. I suppose you could be trying to go for the psychopath killer a la River Tam, but even then, you don't really convey that this person is really flipping unstable. He just goes from vaguely disoriented and somewhat indifferent about his surroundings (considering he never really details how he feels about them except to describe them briefly as a prison) to "YAY KILL KILL KILL." Again, there's no real transition, so it's difficult to really grasp his character or to see him as a believable person.

Quote:
The person turns to face me, and I stop.

It is a girl. I feel like I know her, but (No need for "yet" here. It's redundant.) her name eludes me. Her hair is shoulder length, brown, and streaked with silver. Her eyes are a shade of green, and she’s wearing the same white coat with a black shirt and skirt underneath. (The same as what, though? You don't entirely complete that thought.) A sideways eight insignia is stitched onto her collar. (I separated these last sentences because otherwise, you're getting a bit wordy here, and you inadvertently imply that the skirt has a collar. Also, note the paragraph break here. I'll explain in a moment.)

The voice growls,Well, what are you waiting for? Kill her!”
Okay, so, I think you misunderstood what I meant about dialogue. In order to fully explain, let me first identify the parts of a quote:

Dialogue tag: A dialogue tag is the part that defines who's speaking and how. In this example, the who is "the voice," and the how is "growls." In any other example, you might have things like, "Bob said" or "Diane yelled" or "Stacy asked." It's nothing else. Not a character and the action they're taking at the same time, not what someone else is doing, nothing else.

The quote: Also, dialogue. Basically, it's everything inside the quotation marks.

Now, to form dialogue, you need to have both parts unless it's a conversation between two characters that's gone on for so long your reader can pretty much figure out for themselves who's saying what. Chances are, for the most part, you'll need the dialogue tag and the quote together.

Okay, second rule. The dialogue tag and the quote by the tag's character need to be in the same paragraph. This is why it's essential that you know when to begin a new paragraph. It's because if you put someone else's quote in the same paragraph as a dialogue tag, the dialogue tag automatically says that every quote in that paragraph is being said by that single character. For example, if you have this:

"Hi," Diane said. "How've you been?" Rob asked.

It doesn't matter if you have that other dialogue tag because the reader automatically thinks that Diane's the one saying the second quote. Likewise, if you orphan a quote like this:

The voice growls

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

The reader automatically thinks that someone else is saying that last line.

Third rule. Depending on where the quote happens, you'll have to punctuate accordingly. It's easier to show you examples:

If the quote happens before the dialogue tag:
"Hi," Diane asked.

"How have you been?" Rob asked.
(Note that the first quote would normally use a period if it wasn't a quote. This is because the sentence doesn't technically end with the closing quotation mark, so you need that comma to tell the reader to keep going. A question or an exclamation can only use a question mark and an exclamation point, however.)

If the quote happens around the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
"How," Rob asked, "have you been?"

If the quote happens after the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
Diane said, "Hi."

Rob asked, "How have you been?"

It's a bit confusing, but the short of it is that if you're writing dialogue, don't separate who's saying the quote from what they're saying.

Quote:
Yet, I cannot bring myself to murder her. I roar in anger and jump over her. I catch one word before I jump.

"Phaiel?"she whispers.

I smash through the steel double doors as if they were made of paper. There are men in brown guarding the area outside. I slaughter them straight away. They are only trained for outside attacks, but I feel no mercy. I slump to the ground to catch my breath. The voice seems to have deserted me.

On a signboard near the side of the road, I read ‘Neo Groudon Research and Development: a subdivision of the Infinity Conglomerate’. The voice appears at the back of my head again.

It
says, "[I]Now you know."
Also, fresh comments for chapter two. Note again the paragraph spacing for dialogue, which is all pretty much corrected below.

Quote:
I trundle
Trundle means to (literally) roll. As in, you're not really going through a leisurely walk. You're rolling as if you're on a wheel.

Maybe you were thinking of "tramping"?

Quote:
through the dense forest. (Semicolons are mostly for compounds, yes, but the parts before and after the semicolon need to be closely related to one another.) I seem to recognize this place from a (Because "far off" would mean the same as "distant," it's redundant here.) distant memory. With every step I take, my bare feet burn the grass, leaving a black scorch mark in the shape of a foot. After a while, it dawns on me that I’m not wearing any clothes apart from a pair of black boxers.
Wait. Why weren't those burned off, considering he seems to be burning everything else? Note that flame-retardant clothing would probably be rather uncomfortable against one's own nether regions.

Quote:
I don’t feel shame. Why would a pokemon need clothes anyway? I’m tempted to take it off there and then, but then it hits me.

“But I’m a human!!” (No period here. The exclamation points serve as the ending mark of punctuation. Also, "human" is never capitalized, even in the world of Pokémon.)

“Correction: you used (He was but isn't anymore, so therefore, past tense.) to be human," a voice growls.

I turn around expecting to see an assailant, but it's just more forest.

He must be hidden,” I mutter aloud.

“Are you really that thick? I’m inside of you, moron!the voice growls.
It's perfectly all right to use synonyms in dialogue instead of the same thing over and over again. For example, it's great that he's growling, but it's okay to have him snarl, snap, or something else as well.

Quote:
“But how, how, who, what are you?” I say in desperation.

“You really don’t know, do you, how you could have killed all those guards? How you could have run that fast? How you broke through that door like it was nothing? Cast your memory back, before that glass prison. Try to remember," it growls in that same low, throaty voice.

“I… I (No comma here.) remember being kidnapped (Again, no comma.) by men… men in white uniforms. They took Eve also.”

“Interesting. Do you know who this Eve person is?”

“Not really. It's more of a blank to be honest, but what I do know (No comma.) is that she was someone close to me. What about you?”

“I’ll show you...”

The forest scene in front of me blurs to be replaced by the scene of a massive volcano. An extremely bright pokemon appears to be staring at the lava apparently using psychic powers. Slowly a glob of lava rises from the volcano. The pokemon is molding the glob into a shape. It looks like a could it be a groudon!
Basically, you've got to be consistent with capitalization. If you're not going to capitalize the word "pokémon" when it's being used as a common noun, you can't capitalize "groudon" when it's being used as a common noun, either. As in, if you say "a pokémon," you can only really say "a groudon" because otherwise, you're violating your own capitalization rules.

Quote:
Groudon roars, and the volcano shatters into pieces. It begins to spit flames and magma from its mouth into the space around it. Moments after leaving the mouth, the magma hardens and turns to stone and rock.
Stone and rock are the same thing, so this sounds a bit redundant. Try choosing one or the other but not both.

Quote:
I finally realize that I’m witnessing: the creation of the earth’s landmass.
Which is strange, considering there's a volcano before this point – unless it was an underwater volcano (at which point, it'd be helpful to point that part out). In other words, what you're saying is that the character is witnessing the creation of land when there was already land before then.

Quote:
The immensely bright creature is leaving. On the way, it shoots out a sphere of red light which heads towards the foot of the shattered volcano. It cools into what looks like the red orb. Groudon, in the meantime, unfazed by this sudden occurrence, continues spewing magma and creating more land. The scene dissolves, and now I’m looking upon a man dressed in a red coat holding the red orb high above his head. Groudon, agitated at being awoken, lashes out and causes a drought high above the ground. Once again, the scene dissolves. Men in white with the sideways eight symbol are attacking Groudon with their pokemon. I notice Groudon putting up a good fight, yet the pokemon belonging to the men in white- blastoise and feraligatrs
The plural of every pokémon name is the same as the singular form. For example, it's not two pikachus. It's two pikachu.

Also, a quick flip through an online pokédex or a glance over by a beta is, again, a good idea to avoid misspelling a pokémon's name (like feraligatr).

Quote:
wear it down by spewing water at it. Finally, Groudon succumbs and slumps down, defeated. The scene dissolves again, and I’m back in the forest.

“So y…you’re G…g…Groudon?” I stammer nervously.

“Took you long enough.
Would an ancient pokémon that is essentially a god as old as the earth itself (literally) really be speaking this informally to someone? O_o That's like meeting Jesus and expecting him to say, "'Sup, dawg. Heard you were hangin' with the homeys down there."

Quote:
After they stunned me, I was transported back to their headquarters. When I awoke, I was in your shrimpy body. Well, I guess that’s fate.”

“But if you’re inside me that means...”

“Yes, they genetically fused my body to yours, and I have a hunch that they also added an electric pokemon –though I don’t know what- which would account for your lightning fast speed and reaction time.
Wait… huh? O_o

If you genetically fuse one organism to another, you're just working with DNA. You're not working on a psychological level. As in, if you fuse someone's DNA with another creature's, unless both brains are present, their minds really shouldn't be separate entities like this. At least, that's how science fiction usually treats it.

To give you an example (also from sci-fi), you've got The Fly, where a human scientist is fused on a genetic level to – you guessed it – a housefly. Throughout the movie, he's mentally human. There's no trace whatsoever to a fly mind also buzzing around inside him and demanding him to do things. It's only when his brain changes that his brain patterns begin to change, and even then, it's only described as an adaptation. As in, rather than have two separate minds communicating with each other, it's still his single mind. It's just that it's slowly converting itself into a fly's to adapt to his changing body.

In other words, genetic fusion =/= psychological transference. By all logic, if the kid got groudon DNA in his body, he probably will still be thinking on his own – without Groudon's presence inside him – because Groudon's brain wouldn't be there. However, if they were actually fused to each other, then chances are, the kid would be assimilated into Groudon because of a mass difference. (Also an example that occurred in The Fly. When the scientist stepped out of his handy machine, the fly was gone because his body, which had more mass, absorbed it. Otherwise, you're going to end up having to account for the missing mass, which is just too entirely complicated.)

Quote:
As you might have noticed I’m free to take over this body any moment I see fit, but I’m interested to see how this is going to play out. So, I’ll give you free reign.”

With that, the voice of Groudon disappears into the recesses of my mind, leaving me alone again. I reach my palm in front of me and stare at it intently. A moment later, flames spring out of my hand, flickering madly and insanely hot, yet they don’t scorch me or burn me to a crisp.

“This could be fun.

I grin.

Overall, again, you should really get a beta reader. Have that beta proofread your work thoroughly before you post it. While it seems rather anal to do, part of whether or not your fic really succeeds (and may I remind you that for awhile, your fic was a two-star fic) is in the delivery. A ton of errors mean that your reader is likely to stumble over them. It's like having a rug in the middle of the floor, but the rug has bumps here and there. Anyone who walks in could trip over those bumps, and it just ends up painful. You want that rug smooth so your reader can focus completely and entirely on only your story. That's what a beta does: makes sure your work is perfect before you post it so you don't end up with odd errors.

Also, a beta can help you with odd details in logic. For example, you've got little things like the bars just melting from exposure to electricity. Even in the world of Pokémon with its Disney science, this doesn't happen. On a larger scale, you've got oddities with your characters.

Now, I just need to stop and talk about your characters for a bit. So far, we've got two actual main ones: the human and the groudon. Groudon is a bit interesting because he's a bit more sarcastic and informal than what one would expect from an ancient god. For that reason, it can stay or go, but my personal concern is that it's a bit odd for an ancient god to talk like that. (As I've said before, try to imagine Jesus calling you a homey, and you've got pretty much the same thing going on here.)

However, the human is a bit more of a cause for concern. Basically, although he's the narrator, you don't really let him react to things until it's convenient. So, there's no build-up to the sudden burst of hatred and the bloodthirsty rampage he experiences at the end of chapter one. Like I said before, he goes from his confused state observing the world with an almost detached manner to homicidal maniac. Likewise, in the second chapter, you seem to downplay his reaction to being fused to a legendary. He stammers at times, but he's not struck in awe or terror over the potentially destructive power his body now contains. All he does is talk to Groudon for a bit, light his hand on fire, and say the equivalent of, "Ooh. Fire pretty." There's no sense of wonder here, nothing to indicate that he's had some serious news dumped on him (considering, you know, he was first told he's not entirely human and then told he was fused to a legendary pokémon). Just, "Oh, hey, this is cool." So, he feels a bit one-dimensional – as in, a flat character. To be blunt, he could potentially be an interesting character to watch, but the problem is there's nothing to watch. He doesn't act. He just does what he's told, and he doesn't have any sort of emotion beyond that.

Moreover, again, things are seemingly made easy for him. He automatically knows how to use his powers. (The first chapter, I'm willing to believe that was Groudon attacking people, even though you heavily imply that the human was the one experiencing bloodlust and such. At the end of the second chapter, however, that's just got to be him playing with fire there.) Even when confronted with a problem, he smashes through it as if it's nothing. He's not affected by fire, and he conveniently has electrical powers to melt down metal bars. On top of everything else, he has super speed bestowed by a vague electric-type to allow him to race past everyone else and massacre the crap out of the lab. In other words, he still seems a bit Stuish because there's no adjustment period. You imply that it's still him (as in, he's the one who's using these powers, despite never having had to learn how), he defies logic and science, and at the end of it all, you really don't have him react emotionally to anything around him except for brief lines of dialogue.

As I've said originally, the concept has potential if done well. You've got potential psychological conflict all over the place, and everyone loves a superhero fic, particularly if it's full of violence and dysfunctional heroes. You just really need to clean it up, take your time, get a beta, and work things out a bit more carefully in order to iron out all the problems you're encountering. Otherwise, your story will just be lost due to delivery.
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Last edited by JX Valentine; May 15th, 2009 at 09:34 PM.
  #22    
Old May 16th, 2009, 01:36 AM
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Okay, thx for the review. By the way thanks again for the tip. Now, I have a few things that I want to ask and share.

1.Correctio
This isn't strictly a correction but I had to say it nonetheless.
Quote:
Also, I'm not sure why you have two Times New Roman tags per line throughout your first post or why you've put so many font tags in all of your posts, period. If it's the result of copy-pasting, try switching off WYSIWYG mode by clicking on the button in the top right corner of the post reply box that looks like A/A. If you hover over it, it's called "switch editor mode." By switching off WYSIWYG, you're forcing the forums to strip the coding from your work.
I never noticed this was happening. Sorry...

2.Question
Quote:
(possibly replacing it with something else, considering ripping IVs out of one's own body improperly tends to hurt like a ***** – and, yes, I know this from experience).
Is it allowed to use swear words in a fic? Just a question...

3.Correction
Quote:
Also, isn't he in a smaller tube? Or did you change that as well? Because a moment ago, you were saying it's only about the size of two of his arms stretched out (although you don't really specify if they're human or groudon), which means he doesn't have that far to go to rip these things out.)
Okay wait I'll put it into the fic about him being human form. Once I've done that, try to imagine, that he was being subdued with the spray and the wires, aside from collecting information, helped to keep him upright. I could have put it into the fic but I wasn't sure how to fit it in. So, if it kept him upright, it would be tight wouldn't it. He need only walk two steps forward to rip them out of his skin. I actually tested the arm length and number of steps.

4.Correction
Quote:
Again, if the power went out:

1. The subject would notice.
2. I don't believe there would be flashing red lights (if it was completely out).
3. This doesn't explain why the liquid in the tube has randomly drained, considering power =/= drain system.
I never said the lights were flashing. They were more like emergency lights, the luminescent ones you see in some movies where the power goes out. I don't know if this really happens in real life though so correct me if I'm wrong.

Another thing, I never mentioned any water in the cylinder. That was in version 1 but you're commenting version 2. In this one I merely stated that he was in a containment cylinder, no gel or water or anything. Don't stress me with the security again, I don't know how to make the security better without detracting from the main storyline.

5.Correction
Quote:
Granted, Groudon's probably interfering, but your writing just doesn't imply that that's what's going on. Right now, we read this and think that it's the human (the one who's narrating this story) who's executing the maneuver, which makes one wonder how he could pull this kind of stunt off.
Well yes actually, Groudon is controlling him actively from that point. I just don't know how to state it properly. About him being able to do all that stuff, that was Groudon.

6.Correction
Side note, but I never really thought of Groudon as being particularly fast. In fact, if we consider its in-game speed (90) as an indicator for how fast it should be, it's most likely average. It can probably sprint, but run at blinding speeds? Probably not.
We’re talking about someone with human form, if it were Groudon [the hands were human sized ( I never said they grew large into Groudon size, only the claws grew larger)] the man would be crushed not throttled. His speed would be of a human who could run abnormally fast. It’s kind of illogical to think that a regular human would be lumbering along like a Groudon. And I did mention that he was fused to an electric Pokémon which are generally fast with a few exceptions.
7.Correction
Quote:
I suppose you could be trying to go for the psychopath killer a la River Tam, but even then, you don't really convey that this person is really flipping unstable. He just goes from vaguely disoriented and somewhat indifferent about his surroundings (considering he never really details how he feels about them except to describe them briefly as a prison) to "YAY KILL KILL KILL." Again, there's no real transition, so it's difficult to really grasp his character or to see him as a believable person.

Have you heard of the COG project from MIT. Look it up on google. That's what is happening to our main character the vague human. His intelligence level is that of a rapidly developing baby. He is relearning everything from scratch from his memory. To compensate for this lack of knowledge Groudon takes over and commandeers the body.
8.Correction
Quote:
Quote:
through the dense forest. (Semicolons are mostly for compounds, yes, but the parts before and after the semicolon need to be closely related to one another.) I seem to recognize this place from a (Because "far off" would mean the same as "distant," it's redundant here.) distant memory. With every step I take, my bare feet burn the grass, leaving a black scorch mark in the shape of a foot. After a while, it dawns on me that I’m not wearing any clothes apart from a pair of black boxers.

Wait. Why weren't those burned off, considering he seems to be burning everything else? Note that flame-retardant clothing would probably be rather uncomfortable against one's own nether regions
.
Chapter 1 his hands feet and mouth were hot not his nether regions
9.Correction
Quote:
Quote:
I finally realize that I’m witnessing: the creation of the earth’s landmass.
Which is strange, considering there's a volcano before this point – unless it was an underwater volcano (at which point, it'd be helpful to point that part out). In other words, what you're saying is that the character is witnessing the creation of land when there was already land before then.


Are you religious? Just a question... Because Groudon created the land and Kyogre created the sea so I like to think that before that there was nonexistence, Ether, chaos, ect. This is only true for the Pokémon universe however.
10.Correction
Quote:
If you genetically fuse one organism to another, you're just working with DNA. You're not working on a psychological level. As in, if you fuse someone's DNA with another creature's, unless both brains are present, their minds really shouldn't be separate entities like this. At least, that's how science fiction usually treats it.

To give you an example (also from sci-fi), you've got The Fly, where a human scientist is fused on a genetic level to – you guessed it – a housefly. Throughout the movie, he's mentally human. There's no trace whatsoever to a fly mind also buzzing around inside him and demanding him to do things. It's only when his brain changes that his brain patterns begin to change, and even then, it's only described as an adaptation. As in, rather than have two separate minds communicating with each other, it's still his single mind. It's just that it's slowly converting itself into a fly's to adapt to his changing body.

In other words, genetic fusion =/= psychological transference. By all logic, if the kid got groudon DNA in his body, he probably will still be thinking on his own – without Groudon's presence inside him – because Groudon's brain wouldn't be there. However, if they were actually fused to each other, then chances are, the kid would be assimilated into Groudon because of a mass difference. (Also an example that occurred in The Fly. When the scientist stepped out of his handy machine, the fly was gone because his body, which had more mass, absorbed it. Otherwise, you're going to end up having to account for the missing mass, which is just too entirely complicated.)


I’d rather not say how they accomplished this, suffice to say it will make sense –to most people- but its a spoiler and I’d rather not say. By the way, the missing mass, I have already accounted for but its a spoiler and will be revealed in due course.
11.Affirmation
Quote:
Now, I just need to stop and talk about your characters for a bit. So far, we've got two actual main ones: the human and the groudon. Groudon is a bit interesting because he's a bit more sarcastic and informal than what one would expect from an ancient god. For that reason, it can stay or go, but my personal concern is that it's a bit odd for an ancient god to talk like that. (As I've said before, try to imagine Jesus calling you a homey, and you've got pretty much the same thing going on here.)

Yes, I'm actually going for this angle as it's more humourous.
12.Correction
Quote:
However, the human is a bit more of a cause for concern. Basically, although he's the narrator, you don't really let him react to things until it's convenient. So, there's no build-up to the sudden burst of hatred and the bloodthirsty rampage he experiences at the end of chapter one. Like I said before, he goes from his confused state observing the world with an almost detached manner to homicidal maniac. Likewise, in the second chapter, you seem to downplay his reaction to being fused to a legendary. He stammers at times, but he's not struck in awe or terror over the potentially destructive power his body now contains. All he does is talk to Groudon for a bit, light his hand on fire, and say the equivalent of, "Ooh. Fire pretty." There's no sense of wonder here, nothing to indicate that he's had some serious news dumped on him (considering, you know, he was first told he's not entirely human and then told he was fused to a legendary pokémon). Just, "Oh, hey, this is cool." So, he feels a bit one-dimensional – as in, a flat character. To be blunt, he could potentially be an interesting character to watch, but the problem is there's nothing to watch. He doesn't act. He just does what he's told, and he doesn't have any sort of emotion beyond that.

Moreover, again, things are seemingly made easy for him. He automatically knows how to use his powers. (The first chapter, I'm willing to believe that was Groudon attacking people, even though you heavily imply that the human was the one experiencing bloodlust and such. At the end of the second chapter, however, that's just got to be him playing with fire there.) Even when confronted with a problem, he smashes through it as if it's nothing. He's not affected by fire, and he conveniently has electrical powers to melt down metal bars. On top of everything else, he has super speed bestowed by a vague electric-type to allow him to race past everyone else and massacre the crap out of the lab. In other words, he still seems a bit Stuish because there's no adjustment period. You imply that it's still him (as in, he's the one who's using these powers, despite never having had to learn how), he defies logic and science, and at the end of it all, you really don't have him react emotionally to anything around him except for brief lines of dialogue.


The kid is still developing so Groudon takes the rein momentarily. I just said that.
11.End
Quote:
As I've said originally, the concept has potential if done well. You've got potential psychological conflict all over the place, and everyone loves a superhero fic, particularly if it's full of violence and dysfunctional heroes. You just really need to clean it up, take your time, get a beta, and work things out a bit better in order to iron out all the problems you're encountering. Otherwise, your story will just be lost due to delivery

Thanks I'll try to get a beta.




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  #23    
Old May 16th, 2009, 10:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neo Groudon View Post
Is it allowed to use swear words in a fic? Just a question...
Yes, that's perfectly fine. You'll want a warning about this, however.

Quote:
So, if it kept him upright, it would be tight wouldn't it.
Not necessarily. If you recall images of Mewtwo, the wires tended to be looser than "marionette puppet taut." Besides, if they were tight, most likely, they'd be uncomfortable and rather painful due to straining. As in, in order to support him, they'd have to be strained against gravity and his weight to keep him up. Think of tying a weight onto a string and hanging it just enough so that the bottom of the weight just touches the floor while the weight itself is still at least partially supported by the string. Notice how it tends to be a bit tight? Now, imagine that the weight is your arm, and the needle is the only thing that's attaching the string to you. Most likely, this will partly pull the needle out as it is, which will not be particularly comfortable or painless. Not exactly something you want helping to subdue someone.

Quote:
He need only walk two steps forward to rip them out of his skin.
The question is whether or not he has enough room to do this. You said the width of the tube was about two of his arms spread out wide ("a cylindrical container of about the length of two of my arms stretched out wide"). This tends to depend on the length of one's legs, but if he's standing in the center of the tube, this probably means he can only go one arm length away from his starting point, which really isn't about two steps.

Quote:
I never said the lights were flashing.
Technicality, but I mean this:

A red light illuminates the room.

Which, if they are emergency lights, are powered by batteries, so I stand corrected here.

Quote:
Another thing, I never mentioned any water in the cylinder. That was in version 1 but you're commenting version 2. In this one I merely stated that he was in a containment cylinder, no gel or water or anything.
Fair enough.

Quote:
Don't stress me with the security again, I don't know how to make the security better without detracting from the main storyline.
You could actually lengthen the chapter and give him a conflict. While it's possible that he could escape, it's also possible to simply have him struggle against the security in the process of doing so. Alternatively, you could add a chapter to give yourself enough room to do this.

Basically, you're thinking of the storyline as, "I have these set points, and I have to get from Point A to Point B in X amount of time." That's really not a good way to write a story because then you end up rushing to the point where it shows (like how it is right now). Instead, slow down and think things through. If you can't figure out how something would logically happen, don't have it happen (especially in science fiction, which relies on a scientific thought process). It's perfectly okay to add in minor conflicts and detailed subplots. These points don't actually detract from the storyline. They add to it by making the storyline a bit more believable.

Quote:
Well yes actually, Groudon is controlling him actively from that point.
If you'd like an example, feel free to read chapter five of Anima Ex Machina because I do pretty much the same thing in my own fanfiction.

If you'd like an example that's less plug-worthy, Groudon is a completely separate mental entity. There's no way that the human should be able to think of his actions as his own. He most likely should be thinking something along the lines of, "Wait. This isn't me doing this. WTF?"

In other words, it goes back to the bit I said about how the human character doesn't really react to what's going on around him.

Quote:
About him being able to do all that stuff, that was Groudon.
Again, it's an issue of ambiguity that you should be resolving within the fanfiction. My comment was explaining to you why ambiguity isn't a good thing.

Quote:
We’re talking about someone with human form,
And a human can run at super speeds too?

Quote:
if it were Groudon [the hands were human sized ( I never said they grew large into Groudon size, only the claws grew larger)]
Did I ever argue otherwise? =/

Quote:
His speed would be of a human who could run abnormally fast. It’s kind of illogical to think that a regular human would be lumbering along like a Groudon.
No, what I mean is that it's strange that being fused to Groudon suddenly gave him super speed. The average human cannot run at Superman speeds, so to the reader who has only read up to that point, the super speed came from out of absolute nowhere.

Quote:
And I did mention that he was fused to an electric Pokémon which are generally fast with a few exceptions.
Which also seems rather random and convenient, actually. While I can understand if this is another "lulz let's make a supersoldier" kind of evil plot they're trying to pull off, the electric-type is never named and only seems to be there to add more powers to the duo's form. You'd think that if the electric-type had been genetically merged the same way Groudon had (as in, by the logic explained in chapter two), its mind would also be present in this body. Not to mention it doesn't seem particularly significant (except to add powers to their form) thereafter unless I'm missing something.

Quote:
Have you heard of the COG project from MIT. Look it up on google. That's what is happening to our main character the vague human.
Yes, but I'm not sure it is what you think it is. Basically, the Cog project is a hypothesis that states that if you plop an outside entity into a group, the entity will begin to act the same way as the people around him. For example, if you plop a robot with self-teaching software into a group of humans for a long period of time, the robot will start to behave like a human. In other words, the kid's plopped into a group of human beings. There's no reason why he should suddenly take on the persona of a sociopathic killer.

On top of that, the Cog project assumes that there's a transition period, and it deals mostly with artificial lifeforms that are designed to learn at a rapid pace. The human brain doesn't quite function the same way with the same speed -- as in, it doesn't go from confused to "YAY KILL" in about two minutes the way your character seems to have done. Likewise, there's usually some sort of stimuli that the artificial mind emulates in order to develop behavior. In other words, unless everyone around him is being a sociopathic killer, the Cog project is actually rather irrelevant here.

And to get back to the point, my comment was concerning the fact that he just randomly went from "oh, this is strange" to "GOTTA KILL 'EM ALL" with no transition in between. Cog project or not, it seems like his own personality is going from one end of the sanity spectrum to the complete opposite abruptly, which really just doesn't happen. (In other words, that particular comment you were responding to wasn't saying that I had a problem with the rapid learning -- although I do, and it's another story -- but was instead saying I had a problem with the sudden shift in personality and logical reactions.)

Quote:
To compensate for this lack of knowledge Groudon takes over and commandeers the body.
Also never actually developed, but we've gone over that.

Quote:
Chapter 1 his hands feet and mouth were hot not his nether regions
Considering the length of time he's spending burning everything in his path, one is left to imagine that his body would get hot over that period.

Quote:
Are you religious? Just a question...
No. Not even Christian. However, I've read the Bible.

Quote:
Because Groudon created the land and Kyogre created the sea so I like to think that before that there was nonexistence,
...Except you state there was a volcano from which Groudon was formed.

Quote:
I’d rather not say how they accomplished this, suffice to say it will make sense –to most people- but its a spoiler and I’d rather not say. By the way, the missing mass, I have already accounted for but its a spoiler and will be revealed in due course.
The problem lies in the fact that to a reader, it ends up being rather strange that the lab team, in their genetic experiments, would try to channel two minds into one body. This tends to be unstable. In fact, there's psychological disorders that describe this phenomenon.

Quote:
The kid is still developing so Groudon takes the rein momentarily. I just said that.
At the end of chapter two, he lights his hand on fire, and it's fairly clear that it's him, not Groudon. This is mostly what I'm talking about. He's had no training in controlling his powers, yet he can still use them anyway.

Quote:
Thanks I'll try to get a beta.
Good idea. A beta will also help you read over the odd and awkward parts from a reader's perspective and help you iron them out. As you can probably tell from our discussion above, there's a flaw with most authors, something that happens to really the best of us as well. We tend to see our work from our point of view but not the readers'. So, what we think makes perfect sense might not make as much sense or might not be as clear. As a result, you end up with a confused reader. Hence, betas can also pick out things that aren't entirely clear and suggest ways to work them out so your public reader doesn't end up a bit lost.

Good luck.
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  #24    
Old May 21st, 2009, 11:39 PM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
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Hi its me QWERTY-My-Keyboard. Neo Groudon currently has an exam -it was mentioned in the beta place. Last night he told me (not forced) to use his account and close this thread. He says he wants to rewrite the whole thing because there's too many plotholes, grammar mistakes, physics mistakes, ect, and its too short perchapter. Do a revised version If that's O.k. As proof that he allowed me to use his account...

I'm using it aren't I? Oh and if you want confirmation you can PM him next week I guess.
I am not his secreterary!

So bottomline, Astinus can you close the thread. Please...

Ps. To any of you who were looking forward to more NG the fanfic do not despair... He will rewrite it. He says... Oh and to any Beta reader who might be reading this right now, sorry...

Pss. I'm not doing this to sabotage Neo Groudon i like the fic personally. It's me by the way QWERTY-My-Keyboard *such a long name*.
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  #25    
Old May 22nd, 2009, 12:08 AM
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