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  #1    
Old June 17th, 2009 (06:17 PM).
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Ok, well the title of this topic isn't really true. The idea isn't exactly odd at all, but I would like to see what people think about it. I pretty much have the opening, although it will go through many filltering and re-reading acts before the first sentence is even released to the public.

Keep in mind that this fic is more based on the game but still includes anime characters.

The idea is simple. A girl (16 years, but the age may vary.) Named Sapphire who originally lived in the Kanto region, is called upon by Prof. Rowan. Even though Rowan has never personally met the girl, he has obtained good word about her from Oak. Sapphire was one of the trainers that set out from Kanto when Ash Ketchem started his own Pokémon jeourny. Truth be told, Sapphire appeared to have dropped completely off the map and was never noticed widely by the public. She worked for Prof. Oak instead of going off and becoming a trainer. Working for Oak though, meant she had to stray away from Pallet Town a lot though, so she never met Ash or any of the others again.

Anyway, Rowan asks for Sapphire, because over time she had became quite popular in the Johto region and the Hoenne region. When she returned to Pallet Town she was praised for being the greatest trainer the town knew. This was due to her massive sucsess in the Pokémon League. Rowan blieved she would be the perfect girl to help him on his own Pokédex creation. He also thought she could give a good speech to his assistants Dawn and Lucas.

Dawn and Lucas beg Sapphire to come on the Jeourny with them, since Sapphire had always travelled alone and it would be nice if she would join them since they could gather information. Sapphire didn't know how to reply, but the kids knew the Sinnoh region more than she did. The problem was, she didn't know how she could help Dawn and Lucas. Dawn is an aspiring Coordinator and Lucas is an aspring Pokémon breeder. All Sapphire knew how to do is train.

She tries to convince the two to become trainers, but she fails, and ends up doing the Sinnoh gym challanges herself. When the three come to their first gym battle against Roark, Sapphire sees an old friend of her's who she had met on her previous jeourny. Riley. Riley travelled a lot as well, and once had visited the Jhoto region and bumped into Sapphire. Even though it was only a short meeting (Which will be a flash back in the fic) Sapphire easily gained a crush on him, but never met him again until the day in Sinnoh.

After her settled emotions were rewoken by him, running from town to town soon becomes a silent chase after Riley, with Dawn's and Lucas' wacky ideas and ways to set the two up. Of course, this isn't a whole romance story, while the three are joking around, something is happening behind the scenes. A new team, Team Galatic, and a old fave, Team Rocket, are planning to join together. Things get out of hand when they try to mess around with the newest Champion of the Kanto Pokémon League (That's right. Sapphire is the undercover champion of the Kanto League. I said she did well in the League i didn't say she beat the elites !)



Anyway... that's pretty much it. I will develop it further, but is it worth it? Or is it too annoyingly boring? There is a lot of things in this, but don't worry, I plan to tackle it chapter by chapter, and there wont be too much going on all at once. It's been a very long time, years in fact, since I've wrote anything to do with Pokémon, but I think now would be a good time for me to start. Critisizm is welcomed, but only if it's constructive!
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  #2    
Old June 17th, 2009 (07:05 PM). Edited June 17th, 2009 by JX Valentine.
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A few things.

I.
Quote:
Keep in mind that this fic is more based on the game but still includes anime characters.
But you have Dawn as a cast member, which is rather awkward, considering the anime has a counterpart traveling with Ash. In other words, the problem with crossing casts is that if you have a character whose name is the same as a game counterpart (like Dawn), the audience will think you're defying canon by taking one of Ash's canonical companions and giving her to Sapphire.

One way to avoid this confusion is by using one main cast or the other but not both at once. So, for example, instead of using Ash, try using Red. This also means that you'll have to base the starter selection process on the way the games worked (with Red and Blue choosing starters and leaving one behind -- perhaps for Sapphire), but it's only a minor change compared to having to explain that the Dawn traveling with Sapphire and the Dawn traveling with Ash aren't the same person.

II.
Quote:
Sapphire appeared to have dropped completely off the map and was never noticed widely by the public. She worked for Prof. Oak instead of going off and becoming a trainer.

....

because over time she had became quite popular in the Johto region and the Hoenne region. When she returned to Pallet Town she was praised for being the greatest trainer the town knew. This was due to her massive sucsess in the Pokémon League.
Wait, so if she was never noticed by the public, how exactly did she become popular in Johto and Hoenn? Also, how exactly did she manage to be so obscure while being a huge success in various leagues? Not to mention didn't you just sort of contradict yourself in saying that she wasn't a trainer... but then that she totally was? O_o

III. I'm mostly concerned about the fact that Sapphire sounds a bit Sueish. Basically, this is a list of her traits that you've given us:

1. She's an exceptionally good trainer, even going as far as to become a League Champion.

2. She apparently has a fan following (or is otherwise incredibly popular) in two different regions... despite having dropped off the radar during that time.

3. Two canon characters beg to be her companions and go out of their way to be matchmakers for her, even if it's not entirely within their characterization. (Aren't Rowan's assistants usually focused on studying Pokémon or filling up the 'dex for their mentor -- which would be Rowan? Granted, it depends on which Dawn you're talking about here, but assuming this Dawn is game!Dawn and not anime!Dawn, she'd probably be more focused in the drive to get more Pokémon for the sake of research/filling the 'dex.)

4. She's old friends with another canon character and is, in fact, in love with him.

5. ...And she ends up with him.

6. ...And he's a fairly popular canon character.

7. Not one but two evil teams unite (even though they technically have different goals, with Rocket being an organization just out for world domination and building the ultimate crime empire whereas Galactic is looking to destroy the universe and remake it in what their leader envisions to be the perfect world), only to go head-to-head with the character, who, as the summary implies, will single-handedly defeat them.

In other words, you've got a powerful character from the get-go who has tons of skills to defeat the enemy, fans, and a soon-to-be boyfriend while other characters seem to exist to support her (e.g., Dawn and Lucas serving as matchmakers) but aren't entirely true-to-canon. While Sapphire herself is a canon character, it just feels a bit like this may just end up being a bit over-the-top. I would suggest playing with her character a bit more. Maybe tone her down a bit and come up with better explanations as to why Rowan chose her (other than she's immensely popular and skilled, so he heard about her from her reputation and not just from Oak's good word), why he needs her to talk to Dawn and Lucas (considering at least one of them was his personal assistants already), and how she and Riley are getting together (without taking Dawn and Lucas OOC).

Also, do a bit more research into canon. Really look at, for example, Teams Galactic and Rocket. While they're both evil syndicates, they're not after the same goals. For that reason, they're not entirely compatible with each other. Likewise, because you're using canon characters, you've really got to get to know them. Talk to them again in the games and maybe replay parts of the games if you can in order to figure out how they'd actually act.

Finally, remember that it's perfectly okay to have a character who isn't godly-powerful. A diligent research assistant is just as or even more interesting to read about than someone who's already a champion who swept through the Elite Four. I say "even more interesting" because it means that when it comes time for the final battle, your reader won't know whether or not that research assistant will be able to defeat the bad guys -- or, at least, how that research assistant will do so. The ordinary character will need to rely on a more creative scheme in order to save the day, whereas the champion will probably rely on straightforward force and is destined to win anyway.

Other than that, it sounds like a pretty straightforward OT story in which a character travels through Sinnoh to collect badges and work with two other characters who aren't necessarily trainers as well to defeat Team (insert something here), combined with a standard shipping story. To be frank, without the possible Sue, it actually sounds rather generic. I mean, what plot description we get sounds pretty much like a lot of other OT stories out there (while the matchmaking stuff smacks of romance stories in certain ships), but you spend a lot of this post building up your character but not much actually describing the plot itself. While I don't expect you to reveal important details, it'd be nice to get something else -- like, for example, a vague idea of what the evil teams are doing, why Rowan chose Sapphire, and basically all those other things you seem to start mentioning but seem to wander away from for the sake of describing something completely different. It'd also be cool if there was more of a focus on Sapphire's task to fill the 'dex, considering that's why she was called to Sinnoh in the first place, but mostly, my point is we don't really have much to comment on because you focus so much on describing the character and what's going on with the character instead of the events surrounding the character. Yes, this is all just a summary/"do you like this idea" post, but even then, it feels like you're falling short of actually presenting a coherent set of ideas -- even going so far as to shrug them off completely (in the case of Sapphire's task from Rowan, for example).

In other words, I'd hate to say this, but this all sounds incredibly disjointed. O_o It's contradictory in places, and it seems to be all over the place in terms of plot, probably because so much time is spent focusing on Sapphire. Work on it a bit more and read over your ideas to straighten things out, I should say.

Also, you may want to get a beta. (There's a sticky for them in Writer's Lounge.) It's just that there's a lot of spelling oddities that I can spot just in your summary, some of which can't be caught by a spell checker. I don't know if you proofread, but it's good to be on the safe side.
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  #3    
Old June 17th, 2009 (07:44 PM).
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Hmmm. You know, I think you may be correct. Sorry, for the spelling errors, in all plain honesty I'm not a great speller, but I am used to having a Spell Checker. I don't have it on this computer, but I will have my own laptop back when it comes to writing the fic. If you wouldn't mind Valentine, I would like you to help me develop this. I've got a different way for this idea to work.

Sapphire is a Kanto girl who has two rivals, Red and Green. Sapphire goes to Oak's lab to find the only Pokémon left is Charmander (May vary). To further her disappointment, there are no more Pokédexs left either. Oak suggests that if Sapphire is really desperate for a 'dex, then she should arrange to go to the Sinnoh region, since there is a package he needs to obtain from their anyway. A fellow Prof, will have a different 'dex for her. She excepts the mission and then, she is quickly whisked away to the sinnoh region (via a plane or something.) Rowan is in the middle of giving his newest assistant a pokédex as well. His name is Lucas. Lucas wishes to complete the Pokédex for Rowan, and he believes it's something he's born to do. Sapphire at first takes no notice of Lucas, and just asks Rowan for the 'dex and the Package he is supposed to have for Oak. Sapphire obtains the 'dex but Rowan states that the package hasn't arrived yet, so she should team up with Lucas and head to the next town.

Once they head to the next town they find two gangs of people arguing. One dressed like typical crooks, while the other all wacked out in space gear. In the middle of the two arguing gangs is Roark, the gym leader and Riley who was just dropping by. The two then engage in battle, and once they defeat one grunt on either side, the rest soon scatter away.

Raork comes up to Lucas and Sapphire and asks if the two were alright since they were pretty close to the battle scene. Both Lucas and Sapphire are in awe over how they defeated the gangs. They all have a short chat and get to know each other, and then Riley says his fair-wells and runs off. Sapphire then strives to be like Riley.

Sapphire and Lucas both carry on while they await the phone call from Rowan which would signal that Oak's package has arrived and it was time for Sapphire to go back to Kanto, but since that doesn't happen anytime soon, the two simply carry on.

(Like the anime, I plan to have a contest hall in different cities instead of just the one.) When the two get to a city that has a contest hall, they meet a girl called Dawn. She's trying to become the best coordinater there is, but she had just lost her first contest. She ends up joining the two and they travel around still waiting for that call that just doesn't seem to be happening.

Once again they meet Riley for a second time. Sapphire explains how she's waiting on a package and that's why she hasn't gone back to Kanto, and Riley soon gets suspicious. He asks if the three have bothered to phone Rowan, which they haven't, and then they soon do. When they get no answer they quickly rush back to his lab. It's there they have discovered that Team Rocket had kidnapped the Prof. but the only reason they know it was team rocket is because Team Glatic is there, looking for him. They complained that they were going to do the same thing since Rowan knew a lot on Pokémon and could help them in creating the knew world they disired through legendary Pokémon.

Team Galatic run off on a hunt for Rowan and Team Rocket. The Three then follow Team Galatic which conviently leads them to the Rockets while Riley runs off to inform the Police of what's happening. Looker then gets involved.

Soon the whole thing is over and Rowan is safely returned. I wont tell you what happens to the two teams though. That's a secret . Now that Rowan is back, he finally gives the Package to Sapphire, who is now free to go back to Kanto. With over half of her Gym badges already won, it seems ashame to leave so soon.

Rowan sugessts something else. He requests Lucas to fo into the Kanto region, and for him to gather information on the Kanto region Pokémon. He upgrades the boy's 'dex and gives him Oak's package. Sapphire and Dawn are then left to finish the gyms and the contests.

Everything goes great with normal everyday pokémon problems until it gets to the day when Sapphire is about to enter the League. Something comes up which stops her dead in her tracks.

I'll leave it at that, because the rest of the plot is just a secret basically haha. The rockets and Galatics wont join though, no worries there. So how is this one? Any better? Sorry about spelling errors or lack of creativity. I've been up all night and it's 4:43am here, but I'm just too buzzing to even think of sleep!
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  #4    
Old June 17th, 2009 (09:10 PM).
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Now, this is a lot better. The storyline's more consistent, and Sapphire's toned down enough so that Dawn and Lucas can at least be equals. (It's also good that she's not got legions of people fawning her and whatnot.) Not only that, but it seems a bit less generic now that the characters seem to be taking more of a sideline role -- as in, they're directly involved in the plot, sure, but it's not like they're actively going after the evil in the region to stamp it out. It's a good touch.

That in mind, just remember pacing. You're going to have the characters do a lot of traveling (especially initially, when Sapphire is going from Kanto to Sinnoh), and although some writers might be tempted to hurry things along to get their character to where they're supposed to be, remember to keep things realistic (or at least mention that time's lapsing). Really, especially at the end, drawing out the parts between the fights against evil makes the reappearance of the evil team hit harder, if that makes sense. For example, at the end, when Sapphire is getting through her everyday problems, one strike from one of the teams will be all the more surprising.

Long story short, it's definitely an improvement from your first idea, and I say go for it. Just keep in mind timing. That's all.
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  #5    
Old June 17th, 2009 (09:17 PM).
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Alright, thanks alot. If it wasn't for you I think I would be all over the place with attempting that other plot. I think my first idea was just a load of random thoughts that I wanted to have all in one story, but I think this idea seems a lot more interesting as well.

Thanks a lot! And when it comes to timing it would be something like
"Within the next few days, Sapphire had her ticket and was flown off to the Sinnoh region. It was a long jeourny, but the Pokémon on the plane made the flight all the more exciting."

Of course I wouldn't use exactly that. Can't wait to get my laptop charger tomorrow and start typing this up!
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Old June 17th, 2009 (09:23 PM).
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Moving this to the Writer's Lounge subforum, where idea threads go.
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Old June 17th, 2009 (09:26 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Astinus:
Moving this to the Writer's Lounge subforum, where idea threads go.
All right then Thank you.
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