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  #1    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 10:26 AM
Cнαяcнιc
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Pokémon – Project Victory

Rated PG-13

This Fan-Fiction will contain some swearing / violence and mature themes. If you are offended by any of the above then feel free to read, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Genre

Action – Adventure – Journey – Romance – Horror

Prologue

The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet, not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times. Not as the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquillity that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquillity that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin: Project Victory.

As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl Moon, it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city, it wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head, even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it, it turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.

The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape, the first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head, the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes, once the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night, it had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.

The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken too, its mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like witch craft, this seemed to allow it speak, however the creature was in fact, telepathic.

It turned to the city and stood tall, “Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene. Stood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless hill, because I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.”

The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it, “Do not blame yourself, my brother.” The second creature said, in a soothing feminine voice, “With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your life, trying to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you? Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave, and with you, one of the most powerful beings to live, a slave to them.” It said sighing, “Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”

The first creature nodded, “You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this world now. Everything ends, eventually. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends, it is fate, it is destiny...And although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this year, will be the year that the world we know and love, will come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”

Last edited by Cнαяcнιc; August 22nd, 2009 at 02:19 PM.
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  #2    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 02:28 PM
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Yono
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Hmm...a short, yet very interesting prologue.

Everything seems quite well-written. Nothing is given away except for Project Victory and the return of the three Team leaders, which will add some mystery as to how they came back and with what purpose.

The characters as well are mysterious, but I'm guessing their the main protagonists, so it would have to be that way for a prologue. However, I can't seem to make out who or what the characters are(probably just me, though. Maybe other people can tell.)

The atmosphere is great. Showing a dark, dreary environment that will entice readers to continue on with reading the story. The amount of details pushed towards the atmosphere also allows for one to imaging pretty much what is going on.

Looking forward to future chapters! :D
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Last edited by Yono; August 22nd, 2009 at 02:45 PM.
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  #3    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 02:33 PM
Cнαяcнιc
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The characters are not human, I can reveal that much xD But you will find out more in the first chapter, I just wanted to shroud them in mystery, however I am sure quite a few people will be onto who they are xD

Thank you for the nice review :] Hope you read future chapters :D

Charchic.
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  #4    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 02:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc View Post
Corrections and comments in bold red.
Prologue

The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet, not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times. Not as the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquillity that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquillity that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin: Project Victory.

As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl moon [That sould be just moon], it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city. It wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head. But even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it. The creature turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.

The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape. The first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head. The blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes. And once the second creature had formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night. It had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.

The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken too. Its mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like witch craft. This seemed to allow it speak, however the creature was, in fact, telepathic.

The first creature turned to the city and stood tall, “Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene. Stood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless hill, because I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.”

The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it, “Do not blame yourself, my brother.” The second creature said, in a soothing feminine voice, “With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your life, trying to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you? Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave, and with you, one of the most powerful beings to live, a slave to them.” It said sighing, “Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”

The first creature nodded, “You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this world now. Everything ends, eventually. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends, it is fate, it is destiny... And although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this year, will be the year that the world we know and love, will come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”
Okay, there are some parts that were confusing but they were fixable. Your only problem is the incredibly long sentences. Commas shouldn't be used so many times. Don't forget your friend the full-spot. You had no spelling mistakes, just the comma issue.

This might seem like a short review but there wasn't much to review really. You seem to be a fairly good writer but perhaps getting a Beta Reader at The Beta Place will help.
Hope that helps you :)
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  #5    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 02:44 PM
Cнαяcнιc
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Thanks for all the tips, I am currently working on the first chapter, I hope you read it when it comes up xD

And thank you so much for the compliments.
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  #6    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 03:44 PM
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I gotta say, great prologue!

There were no spelling mistakes (that I saw), but the sentences were overly long. You had whole paragraphs that were one sentence. You need more periods, or us readers can't take a mental breath while reading it.

Other than that, it was nice and mysterious. It makes us readers want to know, "What is this Project Victory?" And that is exactly what you need to do with stories, keep people reading. I probably won't continue though, as my personal preferences are good old fashioned journey fics.

P.S.: When the first chapter of my story is released you're reviewing it! ;D
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  #7    
Old August 22nd, 2009, 11:53 PM
Cнαяcнιc
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Thanks for the compliments xD And the chapter is 20% done :] I'll have it up today or tomorrow ;] And this will be journey / epicish, and I will review yours, journey fanfics are the best :]
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  #8    
Old August 24th, 2009, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc View Post
Pokémon – Project Victory

Rated PG-13

This Fan-Fiction will contain some swearing / violence and mature themes. If you are offended by any of the above then feel free to read, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Genre

Action – Adventure – Journey – Romance – Horror

Prologue

The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet (might be too general or too "zoomed out"), not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention to their home, not in these dark times. Not as the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquility that the world had grown to love, the sense of tranquility that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquility that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin: Project Victory. (run-on sentence)

As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl Moon, it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city, it wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head, even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it, it turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass. (one big huge sentence)

The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape, the first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head, the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes, once the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night, it had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand. (another run on sentence)

The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken too, its mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like witchcraft, this seemed to allow it speak, however the creature was in fact, telepathic.

It turned to the city and stood tall, “Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene. Stood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless hill, because I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.”

The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it, “Do not blame yourself, my brother.” The second creature said, in a soothing feminine voice, “With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your life, trying to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you? Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave, and with you, one of the most powerful beings to live, a slave to them.” It said sighing, “Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”

The first creature nodded, “You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this world now. Everything ends, eventually. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends, it is fate, it is destiny... And although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this year, will be the year that the world as we know and love, will come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”
Aside from some problems with run-on sentences, your descriptions, and overall set up, are well laid out. If I'd make a guess, I'd say it was Mew and Arceus speaking?
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  #9    
Old August 24th, 2009, 10:16 PM
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I think it was Mew and Mewtwo actully.
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  #10    
Old August 25th, 2009, 05:21 AM
Cнαяcнιc
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Chapter One

As the night grew darker and the two creatures watched the land patiently, the second creature rose high in the air and looked down to the first, bowing its head and closing its eyes as it breathed deeply, it then began to sing, in its calm and soothing feminine voice, a sweet melody which seemed to warm the soul of any living being whom would hear it, “Chains will bind the lands.” It sung softly, “But with our faith, and courage, we shall break free.” It continued, in an unknown language, and crystal clear tears as pure as love and anger, began to run down its pale pink face.

In the far distance, a beautiful bird soared majestically through the empty skies, with every colour of the rainbow, a colour of each of its wonderful soft feathers; it flew into the distance, until the sparking colours could no longer be seen. “It begins.” The first creature said, interrupting the second.

It began to march towards the city, grabbing the right and left sides of its black hood and pulling it over its pale feline like head, before turning to the second with held its hands to its face as though it was praying, bowing a final time, “Good luck my brother.” It said quietly, before soaring off into the night sky.

The first creature smiled, and began to wave his hands around, again in a witch like fashion, “You too my sister. But do not worry about me, I will be fine, as will you, for I have seen the future and know, we will see each other once again.” It then bowed, the second creature had already took flight and was far away from the first, but the power of telepathy allowed the first to communicate with the second, “Until next time, sayonara Mew.” It said, the creature then continued to march towards the lonely city, travelling down the large hill which allowed him to see most of the land.

Behind him a loud patting of paws hitting the ground could be heard, growing louder and louder as a lion like creature raced towards him, as the first creature spun around defensively, the third halted, glancing at the first suspiciously, before bowing down, “Mewtwo. I arrived as fast as my legs could carry me.” It said panting heavily as it struggled to talk; the creature had a proud low pitched voice.

The third creature was much smaller than Mewtwo, and stood proudly on four legs, it had brown fur which covered all but the centre of its body and its cold face, to the centre, the fur slowly faded to a pearl white and the fur upon its face changed to the colours red and yellow, the drastic colour change upon its face, made it looked as though the creature was wearing a mask. It had warm brown eyes which seemed to tell the story of a life of hard work, and heartbreak. Around its ankles the creature had steel cuffs which looked as though it was once a prisoner that broke free from the chains that bound it.

Mewtwo smiled wisely at the third creature. “Entei, you have also chosen one from the city of Pewter?” It asked curiously, waving its hands around.

Entei glanced down to the silent city, “That is correct. A young lady named Jacqueline Rose, her parents were killed by Team Rocket and Jacqueline fled to Pewter, alone. Her heart is set on revenge and the pure fury burning in her soul will make her a great addition for the chosen few.”

Mewtwo sighed as he watched the cold city which lay below, “I question your judgement Entei, a girl with a heart full of rage? Is it so wise allowing her to travel with the rest of the chosen few? There are dark times ahead my brother; and this girl could have the potential to corrupt the others, with her soul full of hate and thirst for the blood of Team Rocket.”

Entei raised his head and glanced at the twinkling stars which lay in the darkness of space, “This is my choice Mewtwo, not yours. Focus more on your own chosen one, and I shall guide mine, pulling her away from the path of darkness.”

Mewtwo smiled wisely, before bowing to Entei, “You are correct, I wish you luck my brother, we shall cross paths once more, in the greatest battle. Until then, we must part ways, I bid you farewell.” Mewtwo then began to lift off the ground, floating weightlessly in the air, before soaring off into the star filled sky, above the frightened city of Pewter.

Meanwhile, near the once tranquil town of Pallet, a tall man raced past the many trees which stood scorched in the once bright and colourful Route One, his tall ash covered laboratory coat dragging behind him, he had light grey hair and a stern pale wrinkled face, the man continued to race into Pallet Town, a city once peaceful and calm, now filled with burnt out houses and shattered glass from windows covering part of the ground, the man ignored this though, as if he was used to it, and continued to travel to the tallest building, a destroyed laboratory.

As the man spun round, facing the electronic glass doors, they slid open automatically, and upon entering, the doors closed sharply behind him. Inside the laboratory, many books and smashed computers lay on the floor gathering dust, but once again, he ignored this, climbing over the wreckage and entering a small room which was filled with Pokéballs. The man grabbed a red and white one from the top of a shelf and smiled down at it brightly, before walking back into the main room and glancing down as the ground. He then proceeded to spin his arm around and push a small button on the Pokéball, the button then click and released, and the ball grew twice in size, before sliding open and in a flash of pure white light, which made the man cover his eyes as the brightness burnt his eyes which had adjusted to the darkness of the laboratory, a small mouse like creature emerged on the ground beneath him.

The small creature stood on two legs with long bright yellow ears which ended with small black tips, upon its face it had rosy red cheeks which made it look like a pleasant Pokémon, upon its yellow fur which covered the majority of its body, brown stripes ran vertically upon its back, and the creature had a large lightning bolt shaped tail, which faded from brown to yellow as it progressed to the tip. It titled its head curiously, as its eyes tried to focus on the dark room around it, “Pikachu?” It said brightly.

The man kneeled down and grinned wisely at the small creature, petting it on its head, “Perfect! Pikachu I need you to do me a favour.” He said in a weak yet excited voice, before standing up and walking over to another room which was darker than the first two, Pikachu followed loyally, in the distance, the sound of two doors opening could be heard, “What was that?” The man asked suspiciously, but Pikachu continued to tilt its head as it failed to understand why it was there.

The man walked back towards the first room, as silently as he could, attempting to make his feet hit the ground as lightly as possible, as he entered the first room, a tall figure could be seen stood near the door, but he could not make out whom or what it was, “Pikachu now, Thunder!” He ordered furiously, pointing at the stranger.

But a loud feminine scream was suddenly heard, and as Pikachu began to generate thunder, the small sparks which shot from his cheeks would briefly light up the room, revealing the identity of the woman, she was dressed in a long black coat, buttoned up, covering both her body and legs, with long golden hair, tanned skin and a warm caring smile, it was Cynthia, the Champion of Sinnoh, “Professor Oak!” She shouted, as the Pokémon continued to charge up, “Control your Pokémon!”

Professor Oak gasped, Cynthia was a highly respected woman and a brilliant Pokémon Trainer, one of the best in the world, he quickly aimed the Pokéball he had gripped in his hand and returned Pikachu to the capsule, “I am so sorry!” He said panicking.

Cynthia smirked, she was not one to take things too seriously, “Don’t worry Professor; Elm did the exact same thing to me.”

The Professor laughed nervously, grabbing a dusty chair from near a desk and pushing it towards her, it scratched sharply against the ground, “Here, take a seat...Well this is a pleasent surprise...Can I get you a drink?" He said welcomingly.

Cynthia sighed, “Professor! I have not travelled all the way to Kanto for you to act like an idiot! We have serious issues to discuss, prepare all your best Pokémon, and gather all your Pokéballs and any other important equipment!” She said snappily, “Shortly, six teenagers are going to arrive at your laboratory, and the fate of this world lies in their hands! We need to prepare them for their journey!” Cynthia then searched in a backpack which hung over one of her shoulders and pulled out six PokéGears, “Professor Elm gave me these PokéGears, these will be essential...But they will still need some Pokéballs and one Pokédex each. We have to supply these with everything we have to make their journey that little bit easier. Provide as much assistance as we can.”

The Professor felt his body burning with rage, “...What are you talking about? Why are six teenagers about to arrive at my laboratory? And how dare you come to my lab uninvited and start ordering me around! You and the rest of Sinnoh had left Kanto and Johto to be enslaved by Team Rocket! You didn’t attempt to help us! We called for emergency assistance and you ignored us? And now you swan into my laboratory and start telling me that I am an idiot! I have lived in this destroyed town, for a whole year, alone!”

Cynthia interrupted the Professor, standing tall above him, intimidating the Professor, “And I have travelled the world for a whole year! Alone! Doing all I can to help out those in need while you, cowered inside here! Leaving all those who needed your help in the outside world, to die! So don’t challenge me Professor!”

There was a moment of silence, the Professor did not know what to say to Cynthia, although she was sweet and kind, she could also be fierce and stern, and had an intimating presence, “...I’m sorry...You’re a good man Professor. And I should respect you...But Sinnoh is also held in a grip of fear, under the rule of Cyrus and his gang, Team Galactic. My family, from Celestic Town have been murdered...Cyrus personally went to the town looking for me. He found my family and interrogated them; they all knew that I was in travelling the world, but they kept quiet, refusing to speak, one by one he killed them all, hoping the next would speak when one was killed. But it didn’t work, nobody told him of my location. This is not just Kanto, Professor. The entire world is shrouded in the darkness of evil, and tonight, the last rebellion begins, I just pray to God that we succeed. I’ll reveal all when the teenagers arrive. Until then, we need to prepare the laboratory.


Last edited by Cнαяcнιc; August 25th, 2009 at 08:45 AM.
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  #11    
Old August 25th, 2009, 10:38 AM
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Okay. First thing I noticed: this story isn't in the best font format possible. The text itself is too small and cramped to be read easily, and if I remember correctly you're only supposed to use Verdana, Tahoma, or the default font. Some people break this rule, of course, so it's more like a guideline to help your readers out in the squinting department. Let's get cracking!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc View Post

Prologue (My comments in BOLD!)
The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet. Not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Okay. First off, props on using the accent on Pokémon. Secondly, though, this is a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence is a sentence that lists many things, seperated only by commas. It sort of sounds like an extremely bored person rattling off their shopping list. Normally, sentences shouldn't have more than one comma in them - two on occasion.

Houses stood tall but all seemed empty. There was not a single light glowing through a clear glass window. Nobody would dare switch on a light; nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times. Mini-lesson on the semicolon ( ; ) The semicolon can be used to replace a period and capital letter, but should be used very sparingly.

Not in the times where the world stood still, frozen in a grip of fear. The only thing that people could do now was pray. Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more. Pray that they would restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquility that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence. That they would return the sense of tranquility that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned. To regain control of their gangs and begin Project Victory. There was no need for the colon here.

As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearly moon. There was no need to put 'far away', as you already said it was on a nearby hill. 'Pearl' is not an adjective, and since you didn't refer to out moon as 'Luna' then it doesn't need to be capitalized. The sentence can also end here. It took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city, wearing a dark cloak with a black hood. It lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline head. ('Feline-shaped' wasn't necessary, as 'feline' could also stand as an adjective all by itself.) Even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it. It turned around, startled. It focused its sharp, cold eyes on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass. Basically, there was no way the sentence could make sense if you didn't edit it slightly.

The weak light began to grow stronger and brighter, soon beginning to form into a strange shape. The first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head; the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes. Once the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin similar to that of the first was left behind. It was floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night. It had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail. Its body resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand. Overusage of 'and', as well as bored-person-rattling-off-shopping-list syndrome.

The first creature bowed its head in respect, and began to speak in a cold chilling voice which seemed to echo through the mind of the creature which was being spoken to. Wrong form of 'to'. Its mouth did not move as it spoke but it waved its hands in a fashion which looked to be like witchcraft. 'Witchcraft' is one legitimate word. This seemed to allow it speak. However the creature was, in fact, telepathic. A comma should be added there because 'in fact' is extra information, and should be flanked on both sides by commas.

It turned to the city and stood tall. “Finally, you have arrived. I have spent far too long watching these empty streets, unable to intervene. Far too long I have stood here, hiding in the darkness of this lifeless hill because I dare not approach those who hold the world in a grip of fear.” Once again, wording as well as grammar needed to be edited slightly to make sense.

The second creature leaned forward and flew towards the first, before spinning in a circle; it was childlike and had a much less intimidating presence to it. There can be a period/full stop here because it is a complete sentence on its own. “Do not blame yourself, my brother,” the second creature said in a soothing and feminine voice. If dialogue is ended with a period and followed by a 'he said', 'she said' or whatever, the period should be a comma because the sentence is not done. “With the power of Project Victory, you could not risk your life trying to help the city below. Imagine if they captured you! Not a question. Then what would happen? They would freeze your heart with the power of their machinery and make you become their slave. With you they would have one of the most powerful beings alive a slave to them,” it said sighing. “Well, the prophecy would no longer be able to be fulfilled, and all hope would be lost for this world.”

The first creature nodded. “You are right, my sister. But still, I fear that it is now far too late to save this world. You said 'now' twice. Everything ends eventually. It may take billions of years, it may take seconds, but in the end, everything ends. It is fate, it is destiny... and although we may be able to postpone it, I fear it will still seek us out. I fear that this year will be the year that the world we know and love will come to an end and perish in sheer fury of fire and ice.”
I'd bet Mewtwo and Mew are speaking, am I right?

Okay, to the actual review. You seem to have the general mechanisms of correct grammar down, but you've got a real problem with run-on sentences and commas in general. For example, if the character is hesitating in his actual speech, you would use an ellipsis (...) instead of a comma because a comma represents hesitation outside of dialogue. Go do some Internet research on proper usage of commas, and go find a Beta-reader like Haz suggested.

And now onto the actual plot. First thoughts: NO. If the plot is what it's being suggested to be - 'three evil teams buddying up to make one super-team' - then I swear I am going to slam my head on the keyboard right now. The teams have no reason to team up with the others because they all have different goals! I don't know how many times I've had to say this...

Team Rocket wants to take over the world.
Team Aqua wants to flood the world.
Team Galactic wants to blow up the universe.

Granted, you've removed Team Magma because their and Team Aqua's goals directly oppose each other. But how do you think the three teams here would find a good reason to help each other out? They're all after different things that have nothing to do with the others - and would probably directly contradict them. For example, Team Rocket would not want to take over a world that's been flooded by Team Aqua. Team Galactic would see all of the others' plans as futile because they're just going to erase it all anyway. Unless two of the leaders have a new goal in mind that links up with the third's, and they're all in character and make perfect sense, then somehow I doubt this is going to work out in a logical direction.

I don't really feel like reviewing Chapter One right now, sorry. However, the Legendaries actually choosing the Chosen Ones - as uncomfortable as the whole Chosen concept seems - is a nice change from the usual 'Mysterious oracle-maker has chosen you all~ FWEE' deal that some others have going on. There isn't many problems with it, save for the last paragraph:

Quote:
My family, from Celestic Town have been murdered...Cyrus personally went to the town looking for me. He found my family and interrogated them; they all knew that I was in travelling the world, but they kept quiet, refusing to speak, one by one he killed them all, hoping the next would speak when one was killed.
I'm sorry, but I seem to recall Cyrus thinking we've all screwed up the world so badly with our emotions and foolishness and violence. What reason has he to be killing people left and right? And seeing as this takes place in the future he'd be more likely to be thinking something along the lines of, 'Alright, fine. You've all rejected your savior; it's your loss. Go ahead and drown in the world you've polluted.' Don't forget: you're working with canon characters here! Their personalities can't be tweaked and altered to fit your storyline; if anything, it should be the other way around. I can see Giovanni doing this, but not Cyrus.
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Last edited by Giratina ♀; August 25th, 2009 at 10:53 AM.
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  #12    
Old August 25th, 2009, 10:57 AM
Cнαяcнιc
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Thank you for the review, actually Chapter One delves more into the plot. And in my fan-fiction Archie and Cyrus have come to form an alliance with Giovanni which is explained in Chapter Two which is being written.

In my fan-fiction, everyone is more human and has more realistic goals and motives for them, more will be explained in Chapter Two.

Yes, Mew and Mewtwo are speaking :] The chosen ones are called that simply because the legendaries choose them, they are not destined for anything, the legendaries pick them, you will see in the next two chapters.
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Old August 25th, 2009, 11:04 AM
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Giratina ♀
what's your sign?
 
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Quote:
Thank you for the review, actually Chapter One delves more into the plot. And in my fan-fiction Archie and Cyrus have come to form an alliance with Giovanni which is explained in Chapter Two which is being written.
I hope the explanation is a good one. I'm interested to see how the logic plays out. [whips out lawn chair]

Quote:
In my fan-fiction, everyone is more human and has more realistic goals and motives for them, more will be explained in Chapter Two.
That's not an excuse for being out of character, unfortunately. Once again, the logic boggles my mind.
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Old August 25th, 2009, 11:13 AM
Cнαяcнιc
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There is a prophecy, and Cyrus is aware of this, as are the rest of the leaders, I don't want to go on too much about it because it could spoil it but something about that prophecy is creating panic in Archie, Cyrus and Giovanni as it speaks of many things that will happen, and they are trying to prevent it, causing this irrational behavior. I will explain further as the story progresses.
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Old August 25th, 2009, 12:43 PM
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That's awesome
 
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I'm liking how this is tying in with the RP, good job :D
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Old August 25th, 2009, 01:20 PM
Cнαяcнιc
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Thanks, yep it will tie in with the RP and some of your characters will be referred to ;] I hope you keep reading :]
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Old August 27th, 2009, 01:10 AM
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Sorry this review was a bit later than intended - in all honesty, I forgot. ^_^; But it seems you're getting quite a lot of attention anyway - good things come to those who ask, it seems. ;D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc
The night was silent, and the shining stars twinkled brightly over the cold dark planet, not a single person could be seen wandering through the lonely streets, nor could a single Pokémon be seen flying across or racing through. Houses stood tall but all seemed empty, not a single light glowing through a clear glass window, nobody would dare switch on a light, nobody would dare draw attention their home, not in these dark times.
Both of these sentences seem (borderline) run-on. While there's technically nothing wrong with them (that I can see), the fact that you put these two sentences together seems overly wordy. It's my personal opinion that they should be split into three or four sentences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc
Pray that somebody could save them, pray that one of the neighbouring regions would come to their aid and light up the dark world once more, restore the peace and harmony that for a short while filled the world, the sense of tranquillity that the world had grew to love, the sense of tranquillity that only occurred while Giovanni, Archie and Cyrus, leaders of the three most fierce gangs, seemed to vanish from existence, the sense of tranquillity that was quickly shattered when the three leaders returned.
Now this is way too long. You need to split it up into several sentences. Also, "tranquillity" should be "tranquility". The fact that it's this long causes people to skim over, as it's too frustrating to read the sentence, which means they lose out on valuable content.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc
As the city continued to tremble silently in the cold, empty night, a creature watched, far away, from a nearby hill, standing tall in the pure light from the pearl Moon, it took one step forward, and the clanking of chains could be heard behind it, as the creature continued to travel towards the chilling city, it wore a dark cloak with a black hood, and lifted the hood over its head, sighing, as its three fingers on each hand gripped the thin material and pulled it over its feline shaped head, even with the black cloak, which was used to disguise the unique appearance, nothing could hide the long purple tail which dragged along the grassy floor behind it, it turned around, startled, focusing its sharp, cold eyes, on what seemed to be a faint pink glow which hovered above the bright green grass.
See above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cнαяcнιc
The weak light which began to grow stronger and brighter, soon began to form into a strange shape, the first creature smirked slightly, and lowered its hood from its head, the blinding bright light did not seem to hurt his unique curved eyes, once the second creature formed fully, the bright light began to fade around it, and a creature with pale pink skin, similar to that of the first, was left behind, floating effortlessly in the silent starlit night, it had bright blue eyes, more friendly than that of the first, and had a long pink tail, and the body which resembled a mouse, except it floated above its two legs, similar to how a human would stand.
And again, I'm afraid. The sentence is far too long.

Ultimately, I think your descriptive skills are quite good, and you build up a dark atmosphere well, but the entire piece is hampered by the fact that you need to split up your sentences. Sometimes long sentences work, but you need to give the readers a break with some shorter sentences. :P This problem was also evident in your previous fic, and is something you need to work on.
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Old August 28th, 2009, 02:50 PM
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Not much to say...except that the story so far is awesome! Also has some of my favorite Legendaries(Mewtwo, Entei)! :D
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Old August 28th, 2009, 04:35 PM
Cнαяcнιc
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Thanks, a new chapter will be up maybe Monday. I hope you will all like it :]
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