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  #1    
Old January 10th, 2010 (08:56 PM).
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This is my first fan fic, so.....

Prologue-
The Aroia Region! A new, blooming region that was found only one year ago. Sailors happened apon it while taking an alternate route from Sinnoh to Kanto. Aroia has many Pokemon and has quite a few bustling cities on it. The people of Aroia divided Aroia itself, into four regions, or climates. There is the Tropical Region, Grassland Region, Mountain Region, and Wetlands region. These four regions also divided the pokemon into the types that are found in the regions. Pokemon Trainers have to catch thier own starter pokemon, due to Aroia not having a Pokemon Professor around. The most common starters are found in the Grassland Region. They are starters from the other regions, but mixed up. The most common three are: Treeko, Totodile, and Chimchar. With these, starting trainers can only battle eachother, or wild pokemon. Pokemon Gyms are still being built, yet once one is built, the search for a leader makes the wait longer. The only Gym Leader is Aria. She uses the Grass type and is situated in Grondo City. She is waiting on her first challenger, Brendan. No, not Brendan from Hoenn, but a new Brendan, named after the Hoenn Champion. This is where are story begins!
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  #2    
Old January 10th, 2010 (08:59 PM).
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诶伊艾诶豆诶维伊 诶伊艾诶豆诶维伊 is offline
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ok cool. u gonna make a game out of it?
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  #3    
Old January 10th, 2010 (09:01 PM).
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Its based on the game I need gyms for, so yeah
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  #4    
Old January 10th, 2010 (10:42 PM).
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Hello, and welcome to the insane vast world of fanfiction. I'm here to offer you advice and help you with whatever errors you miss between writing and posting. Please bear in mind that this review's purpose is to help you improve your writing and that it would be best to approach it with an open mind. If there is anything that you need me to elaborate more on, please feel free to question me in whatever way you find convenient. Anyway, on to the reviewing.

Quote:
The Aroia Region! A new, blooming region that was found only one year ago.
This is a somewhat engaging sentence to begin your fanfiction. The only grammatical nitpick I have is the wording at the beginning. I feel if you added a little bit more at the end of what I have quoted, as well as replacing the exclamation mark with a comma and lowercasing the "a", then it can be even more engaging, as well as avoid grammatical awkwardness.

The real problem I have is the content of it. I mean, if you think about it, there is plenty of evidence in canon that people have gone into space. I find it rather difficult to believe that they could miss an entire region from space. However, you could say that it was uninhabited before, and was only recently colonized.

Quote:
Sailors happened apon it while taking an alternate route from Sinnoh to Kanto.
The word "apon" should be "upon".

Quote:
Aroia has many Pokemon and has quite a few bustling cities on it. The people of Aroia divided Aroia itself, into four regions, or climates. There is the Tropical Region, Grassland Region, Mountain Region, and Wetlands region. These four regions also [b]divided[/u] the pokemon into the types that are found in the regions. Pokemon Trainers have to catch thier own starter pokemon, due to Aroia not having a Pokemon Professor around.
This should be an entirely new paragraph rather than an extension of your first. Now for some grammatical oddities. I believe "and has" would be better written as "as well as". The prepositional phrase "on it" is unneeded since it's already implied. The comma after "itself" is unneeded as it adds an unnecessary break in the narration. You switched verb tenses at "divided", as you were using present tense throughout the rest of the paragraph. At the first instance of this, I would suggest adding a little bit before the sentence that says "a few years back" or something to justify the use of the past tense verb. Finally, "Pokemon Professor" doesn't really need to be capitalized, but that's really your preference.

Quote:
The most common starters are found in the Grassland Region. They are starters from the other regions, but mixed up. The most common three are: Treeko, Totodile, and Chimchar. With these, starting trainers can only battle eachother, or wild pokemon. Pokemon Gyms are still being built, yet once one is built, the search for a leader makes the wait longer.
This should also be its own paragraph. The first grammatical oddity I found was the colon after "are". When you place a verb before a list, you don't use a colon to separate it. A colon essentially takes the place of the verb, and this case is used only for large lists. Next was what I believe was a typo of "each other". The comma after "each other" only adds an unnecessary break in the sentence. The last sentence of the paragraph seemed to be awkward to me. I would suggest rewording it to something like "Pokemon Gyms are still being built, but once they are finished the search for a leader will delay the opening further."

Quote:
The only Gym Leader is Aria. She uses the Grass types and is situated in Grondo City. She is waiting on her first challenger, Brendan. No, not Brendan from Hoenn, but a new Brendan, named after the Hoenn Champion. This is where are story begins!
This should be the final paragraph of the fiction.

For grammar, the sentence that begins "She uses the grass type..." would be better written without the word "the" and with an "s" on "type". Stating it as "grass types" gives a more general idea of which Pokemon she prefers to use. The only other grammatical error I could see was a misspelling of "our".

As for the content of that last paragraph, I would like to know if she knows exactly who is going to be her first challenger. If not, then it may be better to write it with less certainty and more vagueness. You could simply write it as "She awaits her first challenger expectantly" or something.

Now, for some final notes before I depart.

1. I like where you're taking this plot. The only problems I had with the plot are labeled above, and I think if you can pull it off in a convincing manner later in the fic then I won't have a problem with them anymore. You'll just have to explain why no one has noticed this region on satellite images or something.

2. There weren't a lot of proofreading errors, which surprised me for a condensed block of text. Rather, the grammatical errors you made were those that plague writers for quite some time after they start writing. With a little bit of work and advice from reviewers, you'll be able to eliminate these problems in no time at all.

3. You don't seem to make new paragraphs. When the topic changes or a new character speaks, you should create a new paragraph by pressing the enter key twice. Doing this will help organize your ideas and make it appear neater to the reader.

4. Length could be a problem in later chapters. The length of the prologue doesn't really bother me, as most prologues are short anyway, but chapters should be at least a few pages long. If you have problems writing a chapter longer than a page or page and a half, go back through and try to add description everywhere you can. Do your best to cover as many of the senses as possible. Your goal should be to make your reader see what you see.
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  #5    
Old January 11th, 2010 (04:56 PM).
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Thanks for pointing some stuff out. The chapters will be longer, and i will try to divide paragraphs where they r needed
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  #6    
Old January 14th, 2010 (06:12 PM).
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Chapter 1:
Brendan walked up to the gym. “Wow! This is awesome!” He was talking to himself. This is his bad habit. He always says something when something is “amazing” or “spectacular”. He walked through the doors to the big arena like area.

Aria was waiting for him. He had set a time the day before for this battle. “Glad to see you came! Do ya think you can defeat your first gym?” Aria said while walking towards Brendan.

“Sure do!” Brendan said. He was actually a little nervous. This was his first major battle. All he had was his Treeko. This was the starter his father helped him catch. His father was once a trainer back when he was Brendan’s age.

“That’s funny, cuz you don’t look like it. You look a little nervous. Don’t worry. This is only my second major battle. My first was to get to be this gym’s leader,” Aria announced. She was up to Brendan now. “Well let’s get started!”

The two trainers went to opposite sides of the arena/battlefield. The stands were supposed to be full of an audience, but, since this was the first gym battle, Aria hadn’t announced it. Brendan was relieved by this. If he lost, the audience would’ve surely laughed.

“Well let’s get started. Go Shroomish!” Aria yelled. A small grass pokemon appeared out of the pokeball Aria threw. The ball returned back to its owner. “Well? Send yours out!”

This was where Brendan choked up a little.


I know it's short. But it's my first Fan-fic
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