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NikNaks' Fiction Fun

485
Posts
14
Years
Is having a thread of random writing snippets alright? I'm not writing a story, but I'd like to get some feedback on shorter pieces on varied subjects. If not, where do I go?

Anyway, enough chit-chat. A description of a city. It's a little grim. You have been warned.

A City
Spoiler:


Writer's Block
Spoiler:


So, there you go. Any comments at all? Anyone want to request a description (not that I'm lacking ideas or anything)?
 
Last edited:

Giratina ♀

what's your sign?
1,439
Posts
15
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Jul 23, 2013
Hrm.

Well, there's not much to go by here except for the narrator repeating how much the world sucks after some post-apo catastrophe, so this review won't be very long. It certainly got the message across, but I have to say that it was a little… detached. Some of these sentences could stand a few variations in punctuation marks so that they don't sound so much like a list. Yes, I know it was supposed to be stream-of-consciousness stuff, but it's just very difficult to follow. I'll continue later, but for right now I'm being dragged off to do something else.

Bottom line: The period isn't the only punctuation mark, but other than that it gets the message.

Also, I would think that it would go here, if they're just a series of drabbles.
 

Breezy

Eee.
454
Posts
19
Years
I somewhat disagree. It's not that you lack variation of punctuation (thumb's up for proper use on semicolons!), but you tend to repeat the same sentence structure in a short amount of time.

At least it was. It's quiet now. Some say it's just asleep for a while. It'll wake up soon. But I doubt it.
Short, choppy sentences are nice because they deliver a quick snap (they're especially effective when you have regular, compound sentences), but when you stack choppy sentence after choppy sentence after choppy sentence, your flow starts to sounds monotonous. I don't think you're trying to deliver a punch in this segment (maybe that it's quiet...?), but if you are, it wasn't that powerful due to the sentence structure repetition.

With that said, if you could combine sentences into a longer sentence, or even expand on a sentence to get rid of the similar sentence structure pattern, it'll probably help get rid of the monotony. I like the strength behind the "But I doubt it line" but it's weaken by the same structure held by the "It'll wake up soon" line. Adding something small to that line ("It'll wake up soon") would help, even if it's just "Some say it'll wake up soon" (to connect to the line before).

God that was a long ramble on a small part. But maybe you can apply it to other sections where the flow/sentence structure seems monotonous or something. =P

I like your thread's idea in general. It's a nice way to work on your writing skills distinctly and separately. You seem to have a great handle on description. I also liked that there seemed to be a point to it and it just wasn't you babbling on about the setting of a city. It left me wondering what happened to the city and who the speaker is. The contrasts were nice, too.

The section where your speaker reflected on the suburbs was nicely written. I liked the comparison from its superior past to its present state with the various description of "green" objects. I really liked this line, too:

The only things that crunch now are bodies: fragile bones of a forgotten husband; a mother's delicate hand; a child's head.
It's creepy and hits hard.

I was a little confused near the end. While I did like the suburbs part, I wasn't sure if you were referring to the suburbs or jumping back to the city when you began this paragraph:

I should be depressed right now. I've probably just gone mad like you. To think that that shop there was a café once. Oh, they did wonderful cakes. Cream that just oozed out of sponge; jam that tasted as if it had been made of Eden's fruit; and the finest tea in the world. You could taste it streets away: mouth watered at the end of the road. It's a culinary marvel. And it's next door to the launderette, so you can always hear the whirring. Constantly churning Mrs Miggins' bloomers. Always turning.

I miss the noise. It excludes you and yet it envelops you. It's the sound of life. Of industry. Of normality. But it's just an echo now. Just an echo.
The last paragraph indicates that you're referring back to the city since you're reflecting back on the "noise" topic you used at the beginning of this section. I love that btw. =P But the second paragraph before that doesn't transition well from the suburb to the city.

... Not unless the first paragraph I quoted is referring to the suburb, and if you are, the last paragraph doesn't transition well from the suburb description to the city description.

I do like the description of the cafe you have here. It sounds yummy; it's a nice use of wording and language. But I didn't really understand why your narrator spent such a long time describing this ... or the suburbs for that matter. It's an awkward transition here, too. The speaker says he "should be depressed" like "you" but then he starts to ramble about a shop for seemingly no reason. I figure he's not depressed because he has fond memories of the city, but you might want to indicate why he doesn't feel depressed.

Besides, this line:

We're the ones who get to die slowly and painfully, dredging through filth. I'd rather have gone quickly. Like the rest of them. Not wandering around in this hell-hole.
makes your speaker sound depressed anyway. o_O

Long ass story short, you have a great handle on description and the mechanics of writing, but you might want to work on transitions so the reader knows what you're referring to when you start a new paragraph.
 

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected
1,645
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15
Years
I have to disagree.
you tend to repeat the same sentence structure in a short amount of time.

Short, choppy sentences are nice because they deliver a quick snap (they're especially effective when you have regular, compound sentences), but when you stack choppy sentence after choppy sentence after choppy sentence, your flow starts to sounds monotonous. I don't think you're trying to deliver a punch in this segment (maybe that it's quiet...?), but if you are, it wasn't that powerful due to the sentence structure repetition.
This is techincally a first person POV so this is from the mental narration of the protagonist. Short,choppy sentences do more than deliver a quick snap after a compound sentence, usually for humour or shock; they also help set the mood of the story and or help characterize the characters utilizing the wonders of sentence structure. In this case, it may subtly portray the character as insane. There usually are two basic ways you can pull off a mad, first person character: the first one involves long winded soliloquies that drift off into insanity --Macbeth anyone? (wasn't particularly mad rather than overconfident)-- and the second one is as the wrter has shown us. This is usually because clinical insanity usually entails the inability to think very clearly and with this you really can't create compound sentences and or long winded ones.

Long ass story short, you have a great handle on description and the mechanics of writing, but you might want to work on transitions so the reader knows what you're referring to when you start a new paragraph.
On transitions, see notes on portraying insanity (above).

Besides the above review, I have to say that I really liked your subtlety in portraying that he might be mad.
I've probably just gone mad like you.
Direct reader adress is good. It makes you wonder if he's talking to yourself or whether or not this is actually a second person POV where you're a character in the story. All in all, nice job and keep at it.
 
485
Posts
14
Years
Wow, I really wasn't expecting such long and informative responses! I'll try to go through the key points, though. :D

I see exactly where you're coming from about sentence structure, and I do see what you mean, but, as Mizan says, I was going for a slightly mentally troubled character, but not entirely. Almost as if he's slowly breaking down. But, yes, I do agree that I overdid it in some places.

In that section you weren't sure about, Breezy, I was imagining the entire piece to be a monologue given by a man standing in the ruined city itself. It doesn't really get across very well, but hopefully you can now imagine him gesturing towards a particular building and speaking that passage. He's pretty downhearted, considering it's just a shell, so while his erratic thoughts give us a picture of the wonderful place he remembers, it's a whole lot worse now. If that makes sense.

Would it be worth making those few changes, or not? I don't want to stay stuck on one passage for long periods.

Speaking of which, I was sorting through a huge pile of junk and found a few starts of passages. Do any of these seem promising?

Spoiler:


Spoiler:


Spoiler:


Also, I've added another passage to the OP that I wrote last year. It's a bit strange, and it's not my best, but I thought I should at least try to give something else to read after such excellent comments. I'm holding back another piece, as it's actually coursework, and I'm paranoid that I'll get a U for plagiarising myself if someone googles it. Yeah, I'm silly, but I'll wait anyway.
 

Breezy

Eee.
454
Posts
19
Years
Making changes is up to you really. Since your excerpts are small and they seem to be for practice, I wouldn't bother that much. Improvements can be made in new excerpts anyway, aye? =P

I like the first and third one, and the only reason I'm not as hooked into the second one is because, well, I'm not sure where it's headed (besides derp hurr down a hallway). That being said, it's a nice line/hook.

I like the first one because I'm not sure which way it'll go. I always liked to read romance from the perspective of a boy, and this boy seems to be one who doesn't have the good self esteem. Should be intriguing. I really liked this line, too:
Her face radiates joy and warmth and her voice is light and lyrical like birdsong.
It's very warm, cozy imagery.

I liked the third one especially because it different. While contemplating love is fine and dandy, it's much more common then, let's say, a person who wants to fly. XP I liked how the speaker wasn't aware he/she was flying, and when he/she did, he/she fell. I get that feeling a lot. Er, not with flying, but with other things. I always hated that, when you're doing something, then you realize you're doing something, and all of a sudden you can't do it anymore ...

/end ramble.

Either way, yeah. I can't really comment much, but they are interesting premises.
 
485
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14
Years
Making changes is up to you really. Since your excerpts are small and they seem to be for practice, I wouldn't bother that much. Improvements can be made in new excerpts anyway, aye? =P

I like the first and third one, and the only reason I'm not as hooked into the second one is because, well, I'm not sure where it's headed (besides derp hurr down a hallway). That being said, it's a nice line/hook.
Yeah, I can't really remember where I was going with it either, which is probably why I didn't use it! Still, if something pops out at me, I might add to it.

I like the first one because I'm not sure which way it'll go. I always liked to read romance from the perspective of a boy, and this boy seems to be one who doesn't have the good self esteem. Should be intriguing. I really liked this line, too: <snip>
It's very warm, cozy imagery.
Yeah, I'm not very high on the esteem front, so it's fairly easy to write, seemingly.
I liked the third one especially because it different. While contemplating love is fine and dandy, it's much more common then, let's say, a person who wants to fly. XP I liked how the speaker wasn't aware he/she was flying, and when he/she did, he/she fell. I get that feeling a lot. Er, not with flying, but with other things. I always hated that, when you're doing something, then you realize you're doing something, and all of a sudden you can't do it anymore ...
I'm pleased that it's not just me. xD This is probably my favourite, too, but I'm still thinking about where to go with it. I'll think about it more seriously after next week. Twelve exams in 5 days have to take priority :(

I *think* you might have missed the one I added to the OP. It's not great, though, so it's probably for the best. :P
 

Kipher

The author riding the raptor.
32
Posts
13
Years
She's the one. I'm sure of it. I look into her eyes and see into her soul, and I know. She's the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Her long, chestnut hair bobs gently up and down as we walk together with my hand clasped in her soft palm. Her face radiates joy and warmth and her voice is light and lyrical like birdsong.

At least, that's how I imagine it. It's not the same for her with me. She looks at me, with my straggly brown hair and spotty face and knows she can do so much better.

Ok thats one flaw there, form that unto one sentance or get rid of the " and I know."
 
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