The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing > Writer's Lounge
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Writer's Lounge Need advice? Want to give advice? Come on in and share ideas with your fellow writers. Just remember, all fics go in the main forum.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old June 5th, 2010, 03:35 AM
Impo's Avatar
Impo
Vital Spirit
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed

Advertise here
Well, i tried my first fanfic, and it was kind of a - okay, it was a complete - fail .
But after playing 3 series of the Ace Attorney series and realising not much of a
backstory to the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest, i decided to try and make a story
of a rookie detective trying to solve this case. I am trying to think of all the
little mysteries and surprising solutions, so i have took my time.
lets see if my second story can be better than my first (i hope it is )

Prologue:

"Not much is known about this mysterious disappearance of Gardenia,

there were no eye witnesses to this terrible accident, and many experts
are trying to solve it. Countless theories have been submitted to authorities
but none have been taken into account. Clues leading to dead ends and no-one
even knowing what Gardenia was doing isn't much of a help.
What strikes many as curious is the location of the disappearance.
The Old Chateau had a spooky demeanour and eerie mist to it without the
Gym Leader of Eterna missing. This occurrence has struck fear in many peoples
hearts, as this leaves Gardenia's home city in peril. Police are desperate
for any leads at the moment, anyone with information should contact them
immediately. What is the answer to this case? Kidnapping, Running Away,
or maybe Pokemon can provide the answer?
Many are stumped by this case, and as we leave you now the greatest minds
in Sinnoh are puzzled of this disappearance. Keeping track of this mystery
from Jubilife, see you next time."
Switching off the TV, PC sat on a chair in his apartment, looking
at a short list of notes written on a notepad. "Mum's disappearance", it
was labelled. PC looked out of the window of his Eterna City apartment,
he sighed and said aloud, 'Mum, where have you gone.'
PC has been trying to find some leads and was hoping the television show
that showed a special report might help, but it did not. The notes on the
pad showed little to none significance at the moment and Gardenia showed
no odd signs of behaviour and activity. This was completely out of the
blue.

PC is a just starting to be a parapsychologist, starting his career only six
months ago. He has spiky hair and is fairly tan. Male and optimistic,
he tries to think outside the box and is always optimistic. He normally wears a
suit and tie, making him look very sophisticated. At only 17 years old many look
down on him because of his age. He is trying to find the answer to the
mystery surronding his mother, but has not had much luck.
But little did he know that this rookie was about to delve deeper into this
mystery than all of the top detectives in Sinnoh.




I hope i have followed all the grammar, punctuation and spelling rules well .
please rate.
__________________


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu

Last edited by Impo; June 5th, 2010 at 07:34 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old June 5th, 2010, 04:27 PM
Delusions of Originality's Avatar
Delusions of Originality
like a thunderbolt
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
All right, let's see if I can help you with this. I do like the idea of further exploration of the Old Chateau, first off. It is creepy and full of mysteries, and while they were intentionally left unexplained so that they would be creepy, I do love a good fan theory about this sort of thing. (And I hope Gardenia's okay... I like her. :p) It should be very interesting.

Now... Detective PC? That's a bit of an odd name. Are those initials? First and last name? Or is he just one of those few people who's named something like TJ without it really meaning anything? PC isn't a terrible name or nickname on its own, but just be careful before--it's using the same acronym as "personal computer", "political correctness" or even "PokéCommunity", and those were what sprang to mind when I first saw it. I guess even TJ could stand for something completely unrelated to "Tim Junior" or whatever, but it's certainly not as common as "PC". Something that is more immediately recognizable as a name and not as a desktop computer might be a wiser choice if you aren't already dead-set on using it. (If you are, then perhaps you can have some characters mock his name in the story?)

I would be careful with your description of PC. That basic appearance and outfit, combined with you outright mentioning that you were inspired by the AA series (you have good taste in games, by the way), makes it seem just a little like you're trying to find a way to fit Phoenix himself into a Pokémon story. Taking a little inspiration from his character/design is no problem, but do be sure that he's not a carbon copy of Nick that's been shoved into Eterna City just because.

Is Gardenia PC's mother, or is her disappearance possibly related to his mother's earlier disappearance? When I first skimmed this a while ago, intending to come back later, I thought that they were two distinct events, but now I read it again and it looks like you might only be talking about one mystery. Which is it?

Quote:
This occurrence has struck fear in many peoples
hearts, as this leaves Gardenia's home city in peril.
This line is also a little confusing. Is it the fact that Gardenia is missing that leaves Eterna in peril? Is she supposed to be some sort of protector? Or are you just talking about the disappearance happening right next to the city? If that's the case then I think "leaves the city in peril" is wording it a little too strongly. Perhaps "has the entire city nervous" would be a bit better, as this early on into the case it seems kind of hasty to jump to the conclusion that all of Eterna is threatened by it. Some paranoid people might think that, sure, but at least the police and any decent media wouldn't spin it that way until they were sure there was a crisis. Individuals vanish all the time, and that doesn't automatically mean that everyone in the community is threatened by whatever might have happened.

Perhaps the most confusing, and I apologize now because this is where I'm going to get long-winded, is the fact that he's already a detective at the age of seventeen. I bet people would underestimate him due to his age... especially because there's really no precedent for someone that young ever becoming a detective. Detective work, while not quite on the same level as being a beat cop out on the streets at night, is complicated, taxing and dangerous. Detective is actually usually a promotion from beat cop/officer, at least in the US--the police prefer it if you've had several years' worth of prior experience enforcing law out on the streets, and somehow I doubt they'd have a fifteen-year-old beat cop waving a gun and running around after criminals who also have guns. If he was never a beat cop then he'd have to get the requisite experience from someplace else, and again, where can he plausibly get that at such a young age?

...I mean, I guess you could make the argument that if they trust ten-year-olds with freaking charizard and aggron (not to get into the whole "waaah ten is too early" debate) then it's not totally unreasonable that people in the Pokémon world could start looking for real jobs at an earlier age than they normally do in the real world. Even so, I'm still having trouble swallowing someone that young intentionally being sent out to chase dangerous criminals, or being trusted to logically solve complicated things like murders.

And believe me, I know just how awkward it is--I'm actually writing a story that involves a lot of police officers and some private investigators, and I've been doing a ton of research to make sure I'm writing them believably. One of my detectives is sixteen, and there's a nineteen-year-old who just made sergeant (at least a rank above detective in many jurisdictions, although seeing as detective is usually optional this particular character skipped it). And it is killing me that they are so young. My problem is that I'm writing an alternate universe story and working with pre-established characters. While the entire thing is supposed to be silly as a rule (and so I guess it's not a huge problem that they're severely underage, as the story isn't meant to be taken entirely seriously) it just doesn't feel right to alter their ages on top of all the other sacrilege I'm committing. So I'm having to come up with all sorts of excuses and explanations for why Emil shows up out of nowhere and makes detective at like fifteen (without even serving as a beat cop as far as they know!) and how an idiot like Lloyd could ever scrape a promotion to sergeant or how on earth he even got out of the police academy in the first place, and it is hard.

You aren't limited by the ages and abilities of canon characters. You're making this character up on your own, and therefore you have the freedom to tweak either him or his job so that they mesh properly and are at least somewhat credible to your readers, even if his coworkers doubt him. The obvious answer to your believability problem is to make PC older than seventeen. I'd say at least twenty and with some exemplary work as a beat cop, although if that were the case then I'd think more people would see him as capable of being a good detective because he's already proven himself as an officer of the law prior to his promotion.

The other answer is not to have him be an official police detective (or even private investigator, which doesn't require police experience but is generally a field people enter after several years of studying criminal justice or serving as a lawyer), but to have him be what is called an "amateur detective", like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple or, to give a more modern example, Lawrence Block's Bernie Rhodenbarr. As the term implies, they aren't police detectives. They're Egyptologists, bookstore owners, chefs, dog breeders, even unassuming little old ladies. But as their rotten luck would have it, they keep stumbling onto twisted mystery after twisted mystery. It takes what wit they have and whatever parts of their non-detective skill set come in handy ("Hah! I can prove that this Egyptian artifact is a forgery, which in turn incriminates This Person!"), or perhaps just their "normal person's perspective" and ability to see other things that the police might miss, to solve the crime and save the day. If you make PC an amateur detective then him being younger is suddenly a lot more believable. It's one thing to have a prodigious young character, but it's something else entirely to have the police trusting someone who is still ultimately a child to solve murders for them.

Now, maybe you have a reason for PC being hired as a detective at such a young age--there are tons of children's stories and movies out there, for example, that have underage detectives or spies or what have you. But it's explicitly stated that there is a special reason that these characters are chosen when an adult, who would presumably be stronger, more mature, more intelligent and more generally reliable, would have been the logical choice otherwise. You haven't made it clear that there is such a reason, though, and so if you want PC to be young and a police detective/private eye then you'll have to make sure you've got a believable set of extenuating circumstances that make it kosher.

Sorry if that was a lot to throw at you at once, but I do think you've got an interesting concept here and I'd like to see it succeed. I'm a huge sucker for mystery stories, after all. ;) Good luck with it.
__________________

the dcNET Phoenixdex: Delusion/Phoenix's unnecessarily massive personal fakedex and fanregion project


new! work your way through the battle tower with actual Phoenixdex fakemon! try the EOC Tower Demo and get your kraitra rain sweep on today!

sprite in avatar/userbar by bluwiikoon

Other exciting things to click for fun and profit
///
Delusions's Art Thread | The Demented Chicken Network | Outrage (a one-shot) \\\
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old June 5th, 2010, 04:48 PM
Impo's Avatar
Impo
Vital Spirit
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
All right, let's see if I can help you with this. I do like the idea of further exploration of the Old Chateau, first off. It is creepy and full of mysteries, and while they were intentionally left unexplained so that they would be creepy, I do love a good fan theory about this sort of thing. (And I hope Gardenia's okay... I like her. :p) It should be very interesting.
i hope this doesn't count as a spoiler but she's fine .
in a sense

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Now... Detective PC? That's a bit of an odd name. Are those initials? First and last name? Or is he just one of those few people who's named something like TJ without it really meaning anything? PC isn't a terrible name or nickname on its own, but just be careful before--it's using the same acronym as "personal computer", "political correctness" or even "PokéCommunity", and those were what sprang to mind when I first saw it. I guess even TJ could stand for something completely unrelated to "Tim Junior" or whatever, but it's certainly not as common as "PC". Something that is more immediately recognizable as a name and not as a desktop computer might be a wiser choice if you aren't already dead-set on using it. (If you are, then perhaps you can have some characters mock his name in the story?)
i don't actually have a good name, so i left PC for - you guessed it - PokeCommunity, i'm looking for a good name to replace it though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
I would be careful with your description of PC. That basic appearance and outfit, combined with you outright mentioning that you were inspired by the AA series (you have good taste in games, by the way), makes it seem just a little like you're trying to find a way to fit Phoenix himself into a Pokémon story. Taking a little inspiration from his character/design is no problem, but do be sure that he's not a carbon copy of Nick that's been shoved into Eterna City just because.
I see what i've done, and thank you for the compliment .
i've always liked the spiky haired manga/anime people so i always use that
in a description, maybe i will touch up on that part, thank you .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Is Gardenia PC's mother, or is her disappearance possibly related to his mother's earlier disappearance? When I first skimmed this a while ago, intending to come back later, I thought that they were two distinct events, but now I read it again and it looks like you might only be talking about one mystery. Which is it?
Gardenia is PC's mother. Is it really that hard to tell? I'll try to make it more
obvious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
This line is also a little confusing. Is it the fact that Gardenia is missing that leaves Eterna in peril? Is she supposed to be some sort of protector? Or are you just talking about the disappearance happening right next to the city? If that's the case then I think "leaves the city in peril" is wording it a little too strongly. Perhaps "has the entire city nervous" would be a bit better, as this early on into the case it seems kind of hasty to jump to the conclusion that all of Eterna is threatened by it. Some paranoid people might think that, sure, but at least the police and any decent media wouldn't spin it that way until they were sure there was a crisis. Individuals vanish all the time, and that doesn't automatically mean that everyone in the community is threatened by whatever might have happened.
Hmmm... yeah. Maybe "could leave the city in danger" or something like that,
i'll change it .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Perhaps the most confusing, and I apologize now because this is where I'm going to get long-winded, is the fact that he's already a detective at the age of seventeen. I bet people would underestimate him due to his age... especially because there's really no precedent for someone that young ever becoming a detective. Detective work, while not quite on the same level as being a beat cop out on the streets at night, is complicated, taxing and dangerous. Detective is actually usually a promotion from beat cop/officer, at least in the US--the police prefer it if you've had several years' worth of prior experience enforcing law out on the streets, and somehow I doubt they'd have a fifteen-year-old beat cop waving a gun and running around after criminals who also have guns. If he was never a beat cop then he'd have to get the requisite experience from someplace else, and again, where can he plausibly get that at such a young age?
hmmm... yeah, this was as the pokemon hero is usually 10, and that in AA series there was a prosecutor at 13yrs, so i thought it wouldn't be much of a problem.
Maybe 23?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
...I mean, I guess you could make the argument that if they trust ten-year-olds with freaking charizard and aggron (not to get into the whole "waaah ten is too early" debate) then it's not totally unreasonable that people in the Pokémon world could start looking for real jobs at an earlier age than they normally do in the real world. Even so, I'm still having trouble swallowing someone that young intentionally being sent out to chase dangerous criminals, or being trusted to logically solve complicated things like murders.
...Yeah, i wasnt gonna go with murders yet, as i dont like that in a pokemon series.
But maybe i should change the age.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
And believe me, I know just how awkward it is--I'm actually writing a story that involves a lot of police officers and some private investigators, and I've been doing a ton of research to make sure I'm writing them believably. One of my detectives is sixteen, and there's a nineteen-year-old who just made sergeant (at least a rank above detective in many jurisdictions, although seeing as detective is usually optional this particular character skipped it). And it is killing me that they are so young. My problem is that I'm writing an alternate universe story and working with pre-established characters. While the entire thing is supposed to be silly as a rule (and so I guess it's not a huge problem that they're severely underage, as the story isn't meant to be taken entirely seriously) it just doesn't feel right to alter their ages on top of all the other sacrilege I'm committing. So I'm having to come up with all sorts of excuses and explanations for why Emil shows up out of nowhere and makes detective at like fifteen (without even serving as a beat cop as far as they know!) and how an idiot like Lloyd could ever scrape a promotion to sergeant or how on earth he even got out of the police academy in the first place, and it is hard.
well, you can do it . i cant wait to read your story, sounds good .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
The other answer is not to have him be an official police detective (or even private investigator, which doesn't require police experience but is generally a field people enter after several years of studying criminal justice or serving as a lawyer), but to have him be what is called an "amateur detective", like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple or, to give a more modern example, Lawrence Block's Bernie Rhodenbarr. As the term implies, they aren't police detectives. They're Egyptologists, bookstore owners, chefs, dog breeders, even unassuming little old ladies. But as their rotten luck would have it, they keep stumbling onto twisted mystery after twisted mystery. It takes what wit they have and whatever parts of their non-detective skill set come in handy ("Hah! I can prove that this Egyptian artifact is a forgery, which in turn incriminates This Person!"), or perhaps just their "normal person's perspective" and ability to see other things that the police might miss, to solve the crime and save the day. If you make PC an amateur detective then him being younger is suddenly a lot more believable. It's one thing to have a prodigious young character, but it's something else entirely to have the police trusting someone who is still ultimately a child to solve murders for them.
Maybe an amatuer unofficial detective would suit the role better .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Now, maybe you have a reason for PC being hired as a detective at such a young age--there are tons of children's stories and movies out there, for example, that have underage detectives or spies or what have you. But it's explicitly stated that there is a special reason that these characters are chosen when an adult, who would presumably be stronger, more mature, more intelligent and more generally reliable, would have been the logical choice otherwise. You haven't made it clear that there is such a reason, though, and so if you want PC to be young and a police detective/private eye then you'll have to make sure you've got a believable set of extenuating circumstances that make it kosher.
No reason . I should start thinking more. I will make it so he is an unofficial detective
wanting to find his mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Sorry if that was a lot to throw at you at once, but I do think you've got an interesting concept here and I'd like to see it succeed. I'm a huge sucker for mystery stories, after all. Good luck with it.
It was more than i wrote . But thank you for the comment, i hope you can help
me more. I love mysteries too, i hope i can write a good one.
__________________


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old June 5th, 2010, 05:01 PM
Delusions of Originality's Avatar
Delusions of Originality
like a thunderbolt
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
Hm, that's true, the lawyers in AA do occasionally start at fairly early ages... still, it is explained that those cases are special. Franny and Edgeworth were trained by von Karma, after all, which would probably get you a full legal education by the age of five. ;) Most of the characters didn't have that, and Mia and Phoenix, at least, both started at twenty-four. And while you might not want to have your currently unnamed detective (ah, that makes sense now) working on murders, it's still probably a bad idea to have someone so young in that sort of position.

Glad I could help, anyway.

EDIT: Oh, and the confusion about whether or not Gardenia was his mom was primarily just me. As I said, I only skimmed the thread the first time, so I probably just misread something. It's my fault, don't worry about it too much.
__________________

the dcNET Phoenixdex: Delusion/Phoenix's unnecessarily massive personal fakedex and fanregion project


new! work your way through the battle tower with actual Phoenixdex fakemon! try the EOC Tower Demo and get your kraitra rain sweep on today!

sprite in avatar/userbar by bluwiikoon

Other exciting things to click for fun and profit
///
Delusions's Art Thread | The Demented Chicken Network | Outrage (a one-shot) \\\

Last edited by Delusions of Originality; June 5th, 2010 at 06:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old June 5th, 2010, 07:14 PM
Impo's Avatar
Impo
Vital Spirit
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
Hm, that's true, the lawyers in AA do occasionally start at fairly early ages... still, it is explained that those cases are special. Franny and Edgeworth were trained by von Karma, after all, which would probably get you a full legal education by the age of five. Most of the characters didn't have that, and Mia and Phoenix, at least, both started at twenty-four. And while you might not want to have your currently unnamed detective (ah, that makes sense now) working on murders, it's still probably a bad idea to have someone so young in that sort of position.

Glad I could help, anyway.

EDIT: Oh, and the confusion about whether or not Gardenia was his mom was primarily just me. As I said, I only skimmed the thread the first time, so I probably just misread something. It's my fault, don't worry about it too much.
i'll change the age .
thank you for the help. I was wondering if you could help me with my story,
if thats okay ?
__________________


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old June 5th, 2010, 07:43 PM
Delusions of Originality's Avatar
Delusions of Originality
like a thunderbolt
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
What exactly do you mean by "help"? I can certainly offer more advice like this here and there if I have time, but is that what you're talking about?
__________________

the dcNET Phoenixdex: Delusion/Phoenix's unnecessarily massive personal fakedex and fanregion project


new! work your way through the battle tower with actual Phoenixdex fakemon! try the EOC Tower Demo and get your kraitra rain sweep on today!

sprite in avatar/userbar by bluwiikoon

Other exciting things to click for fun and profit
///
Delusions's Art Thread | The Demented Chicken Network | Outrage (a one-shot) \\\
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old June 5th, 2010, 09:11 PM
Impo's Avatar
Impo
Vital Spirit
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delusions of Originality View Post
What exactly do you mean by "help"? I can certainly offer more advice like this here and there if I have time, but is that what you're talking about?
pretty much .
and maybe if i can run ideas by you?
__________________


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old June 6th, 2010, 08:41 AM
Delusions of Originality's Avatar
Delusions of Originality
like a thunderbolt
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
Sure, I wouldn't mind--you can PM me if you want to do that.
__________________

the dcNET Phoenixdex: Delusion/Phoenix's unnecessarily massive personal fakedex and fanregion project


new! work your way through the battle tower with actual Phoenixdex fakemon! try the EOC Tower Demo and get your kraitra rain sweep on today!

sprite in avatar/userbar by bluwiikoon

Other exciting things to click for fun and profit
///
Delusions's Art Thread | The Demented Chicken Network | Outrage (a one-shot) \\\
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 12:19 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.