ok, I'm not much of a writter, and my spelling my not be too good, but so far this is only an outline of what what my short story "When the Hour Struck Twelve" will include. I will, when I finish writing, update this, removing the outline for the completed version. I would love any comments or critique on my story, so dont be afraid to be harsh .
David Srnovrsnik, 9/27
The night before Night-October 30
the main charatcer invites kids from school to spend the night, promising a night of horror in the new house. play with an ouija board, and forgets to seal away teh ghosts after the summoning.
When the hour struck one afternoon-october 31 the next day, the day of october 31st, the main character feigns sick and stays home, having a good ol' time till 1:00 in the afternoon, where they starts to hear sounds comming from other rooms, thumping stomping, and a hurried whisper. searches new house
When the hour struck two afternoon At two, a loud scream can be heard throught the house. it startles the main character, and the family pet had wet itself. no one else home, the banging continues, and the whispering gets louder, as if mumbling to oneself. Search continues.
When the hour struck three midday
at three the cupboards start to open and close by themselves making a huge racket. the mumbling grows clearer and shadows begin to play in every corner.
When the hour struck four midday The first parent comes home, and find the "Sick" child to be wandering the house like a mad man searching frantically. when the main character asks what they are doing, main character counters with the question "can't you hear it?" finds the area where the pet soiled itself, and cleans it
When the hour struck five midday
second parent comes home to find the first parent comforting the frantic main character. talks to parent 2 talks to parent 1 and both show obvious concern. soon, main character screams and is found hiding in a closet. police are called, and arrive within minutes, as the hour turns.
When the hour struck six twilight The police arrive and begin to search the house for the cause of the charatcer's distress, but after finding nothing, police leave, convinced it was a halloween prank. parents are confused and afriad for their character's sanity. religious pastor is called.
When the hour struck seven evening pastor arives and upon entering is struck by an invisible force, and again the cupboards start to open and close frantically. pastor regains consiousness within minutes and begins to perform an exorcism
When the hour struck eight evening pastor assulted with books and other loose objects as exorcism begins. character is screaming at the top of their lungs, asking for the force to just go away, the pet runs away from teh house when door opens from force. pastor tries for a little while longer.
When the hour struck nine night continuous assult of objects as the pastor attempts to exorcise, pastor soon grows tired of it, and leaves in a rage. when the pastor leaves all lights and electric run objects are rendered useless and wont turn on. the main character whimpers in the shadows complaining about the voices saying they will hurt them and kill them. time is taken to light candles in the house.
When the hour struck ten night thumps and noises seem to calm down, but chairs are found stacked on top of each other. the mian character hides in their room, and locks the door, and with no candles in their room, the main character is enshrouded by the darkness provided by the night. the only light is comming from the neighbor's house through closed shades. parents go to bed. main character attempts to sleep.
When the hour struck eleven night Main character woken up within minutes of falling asleep. the main character feels a very odd sense of complete horror as he stares through the darkness to try and see what might be causing his fear. shadows moves slightly to the right, and shadows murmmer to the left, feeling completely surrounded, the main character cover's their head with their sheets. hears a faint breathing sound mixed in with their irregular breathing pattern. lifts covers and continues to see nothing, but the shadows seem darker in every corner. main character tries an old trick, close your eyes and count to five and all that was scary would be gone. the main character opens their eyes to see a face not two inches from their face. the faice of a starved child, with dark eyes sunken in, and stragly long black hair. with a scream the main character struggles to fight the apparition that has hold of them. pounding on the door reveals that the parents had been woken up and were try to enter. all attempts to enter are for naught as the main character stares into the cold dead eyes of the unwanted spectre, and as it opens's it's mouth to speak, maggots fall from the rotted lips, with a hoarse and breathy murmmer the apparition says "lights out".
When the hour struck twelve Night
as teh hour turns, the door unlocks, the lights turn on, the apparition dissapears and a loud grandfather clock strickes twelve. the parents burst into the room only to find it completely empty. searching for any signs of entry, they notice that eveything was left as it was. nothing was different from when the main character went to bed earlier that night. The kids at school still pass the story around, always told in the month of october and similar rituals played out. but they are always carefull enough to close the portal after every ouija game...
id say your right, and I have been finding myself say that instead of when the hour struck twelve,
I will change that. I'll be starting the story tonight, granted I dont have too much to do...but i kinda do...whatever, I'll start on the first chapter tonight.
I thought about it, and when the clock struck twelve would not be the correct meaning. I'm sticking to the hour struck twelve because that implies that an hour has passed rather than the twelve chimes a clock makes when the hour turns.
Last edited by Astinus; September 30th, 2010 at 06:20 PM.
Unfortunately, "the hour struck" doesn't quite make sense either way because an hour can't actually strike. (This phrase isn't actually normally used as a way to describe how time passes anyway. You could simply say the time, which could in itself be chilling because you're speaking plainly -- as in, it's not obvious that you've got a horror fic on your hands.) That and "the clock struck" is generally a metaphor for the passing of time in the same way that "time flies" might be one. Time doesn't literally fly, and there might not be a literal clock or a clock that literally strikes the hour. It's just a way of saying that it's a specific hour.
As for your outline, it looks like an all-right story, but you may want to be warned of two things:
1. I really hope you don't post your story in green font. I'm using the Johto Elite skin (i.e., dark background), and although I could switch, doing so abruptly might actually blind me. (I know this because I recently attempted to view the new Gen V skins. It wasn't pretty.) In short, in order to make a story readable for everyone, you'll want to leave the color tags out of your fic.
2. Now that you've told us the whole story, we already know what happens, so you probably won't have the element of surprise that you'll need for a horror fic (even if you do delete the outline as you post it). It might've been better to save the outline to your own computer.
3. While it's okay to set a horror fic about ghosts in October (although it might come off as a little cliché for anyone who doesn't know why Halloween actually exists), I do have to cringe a little at the Ouija board part. This is mostly because using a Ouija board doesn't normally involve summoning rituals in the first place. (Not that Ouija is necessarily associated with ghosts anyway. I mean, a version was put out by the same guys who sold Monopoly.) I'm just saying this because the method that the main character uses to contact ghosts might come off as a little light-hearted compared to other possible and slightly more dramatic ways (namely, actual summoning rituals).
But in any case, good luck with it.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.