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  #1    
Old January 26th, 2011, 06:04 PM
videoman's Avatar
videoman
I'm no hero. And never was.
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In my own Videogame World
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold

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Introduction
This is a story about a normal everyday boy named: Jak. He lives in New York City and is currently 14 years old. He has medium length brown blondish-brownish hair (which includes a rather long rat tail that goes down to between his upper back and lower neck). He lives a normal life with his parents and his 28 year old brother: Chris. His bother Chris likes picking on him because Jak plays Pokémon. Jak goes to school, has only a couple of friends. But his life will be taking a spiraling turn into another dimension in events yet to come.



Chapter 1 – Jaky the Kid
Jak was like every other junior high school student, going to school, trying to get good grades and playing videogames. Jak plays a different videogame that nobody else plays at his Junior High School (or not at all in general), he plays Pokémon. He is the only one in his school who still plays it, this was because everybody else thought it was old, immature and boring and just plain old stupid. But Jak still kept on playing it even though he is made fun of every time someone saw and when someone made fun of him, he was able to just ignore them (most of the time). Because of this, he thought it would be best if he played Pokémon while he was ether on the bus or while eating lunch. By doing this the kids at school did not see Jak, thus he was not made fun of. Besides all the chaos at school Jak lived a pretty normal life. Jak sometimes wished that life more adventurous, more eventful more filled with...Pokémon. Sometimes Jak has dreams (and daydreams) that he was Ash Ketchum from both the Gameboy game and the TV show series, but he knew that was WAY out of his league and that it was just a dream, nothing more. At least that’s what he thought…

Chapter 2 – Sunny Hallucinations
So another day that started like every other begin for Jak, He woke-up at the sound of his alarm (like he always did), he took a shower and got dressed and when down stairs to get some grub (like he always did), and then he got all of his school stuff and shoved it into his backpack, got his lunch and then stepped out onto his front patio to hear a some birds chirping and singing to each other. He then took a deep breath of the morning air and thought “Ahh…the brisk morning air! It always wakes up the restless soul and energizes the heightened weary spirit.” Jak started walking to the Bus pick-up spot. On his way to the bus stop he watched the sunrise from the east. Jak always liked looking at the sunrise because it made him feel like he was beginning a new life, had a new family and lived some other place in this world. A place far away, where the grass grows tall and green, where the skies are were always blue and where the animals and all other living things live along side each other. Jak became lost in thought about how the Sunrise made him feel and how he enjoyed watching it so much he neglected to notice a Pidgeotto flying right in front of the sun. Jak continued to walk to the bus stop and when Jak arrived at the bus stop he boarded the bus and took his usual spot at the back of the bus and pulled out his Gameboy original and continued the place where he had left off….Saffron city, at the Silph Co. building trying to defeat Team Rocket. Once and a while he looked out the window and wondered what it would be like to live and train with Pokémon and have a more….eventful life then his current one. Soon Jak was at school and he had to save his game and plopped his Gameboy original back in his back pack. After school Jak got on the bus and he started playing Pokémon again and by the time Jak finished the Silph Co. building he was home. He got off the bus and walked home and by this time of the day the sun was setting in the west. Jak gazed at the sun without blinding himself. When Jak watched the Sunset, he thought of it as him passing on but being reborn as a new human to live another life for another day. Jak pulled his head away from the sun only to see what looked like a Butterfree flying across the setting sun with its beautiful sparking dust falling behind its wings from the corner of his eye. Jak blinked his eyes and the Butterfree was gone. Jak thought to himself “Wow! I must be going mad. I thought I just saw a Butterfree. I guess today was a little longer the usual. I guess I need to get to bed a little bit earlier. When Jak arrived home, he fixed himself some dinner (due to the fact that his parents always worked late) after his dinner he worked on a little of homework. And upon completion of half of his homework went to bed….early.



Chapter 3 - The Realistic Dream
When Jak finally fell asleep he had this very out of the ordinary dream. He dreamt that he was walking through his neighborhood to the bus stop on the way to school like any other usual day and then a Haunter appears and beckons him to follow with its mysterious floating hands. Jak starts chasing after the Haunter, which takes him down and around a couple of alleyways. And then Jak turns a corner and stops at a dead end. Jak looks carefully at the wall and notices that there is a door…but with no knob or handle and he notices that the door is also made of brick (like the wall). Jak realizes that the Haunter is gone and yells “Haunter where are you?!”…..no answer is given. Upon these last words, Jak wakes up and is soaked and still sweating, almost as if he had gone running in his sleep. Jak looks around his room, everything is how it was when he went to bed, his Pokémon posters are hanging up, his little action figures are right where he left them. But…where the pokeball replica of the one Ash Ketchum holds in the first episode of the Pokémon series? It is always on his clothes dresser. Jak ponders this realization and then decides to figure it out in the morning. But he decides not to, duo to the fact that his alarm clock says it is fifteen minutes from his usual wakeup time, so he takes a shower that is longer then usual (hoping that it will help him wake up for and not Hallucinate again). He then goes down stairs and gets ready for school earlier, and then he heads out door earlier so that he has extra time to check something out. As he walks to the bus stop, Jak decides to take a detour. He has this gut feeling that his Pokémon dream is trying to tell him something. He tries to remember where the Haunter he encountered in his dream took him. As he turns the next corner, Jak face goes completely pale. Right in front of him was the door from his dream, but instead of it being brick and built into the wall...it is pure white and is hovering right in the middle of the alleyway. Jak walked around the door and notices that the door has a symbol on it…a pokéball. Jak stiffens like a solid piece of wood upon seeing this symbol (not knowing what to do) he sits down and takes a deep breath and drinks some water. As he tilts his head to drink his way his spits it out to see his pokeball that was missing when he woke up earlier this morning. Jak sits there water dripping from his mouth look stunned. Jak asks himself “how did that get here? I thought something was odd here.” After this stunning realization, he gets up and finalizes his thoughts and comes to one complete conclusion: He is going to open the door and step through it.
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I'm a shadow, one that no light will shine on. As long as you follow me, you'll never see the day.
-Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
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  #2    
Old January 26th, 2011, 06:41 PM
videoman's Avatar
videoman
I'm no hero. And never was.
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In my own Videogame World
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Chapter 4 – An Unchangeable Chosen Path
With one foot in the door and his eyes closed, Jak feels a solid surface under it. Jak opens one of his eyes to realize he is in a dark room with what looked like a massive replica of the solar system. And the only source of light was coming from the humongous sun that was almost in the middle of the room. But instead of it being in the middle, there was a large platform in the middle of the room with a chair on it. As Jak walked further into the room the lights of the room started to light up, as well as the lights on the walkway Jak was walking on. Upon putting one foot on the middle platform, Jak heard a deep booming voice come from the chair on the platform. It said to him “Welcome chosen one! I have been waiting many cycles of sun and moon for you to arrive. I have become rather old in doing so, but I am glad I was able to make it this far. The chair swiveled around to present an old man sitting in it. Jak did not know who this man was, but he did notice one thing that gave him a hunch to who he was. Jak feeling a lump forming in his throat asked “Are you possibly the famous Ash….. Ketchum?” The old man sat there for some time as if he was pondering this question. The old man then gave an answer that Jak was not expecting. No, I am not Ash Ketchum I am his father…. Giovanni Ketchum. The leader of the famous gang Team Rocket. Ash Ketchum died in a battle of tremendous importance, I could do nothing but watch my son get killed. Jak stood there with his jaw wide open, feeling dumb struck while Giovanni sat in his chair only able to look at the ground. Giovanni then looked back at Jak and Jak looked back at him. After what seemed like forever Giovanni stood up and did something that was very unexpected. He started to growl and shake as if he was trying to break something. Then something that seemed impossible happened right in front of Jak’s eye. Giovanni body shattered into hundreds of pieces only to reveal another body. This “other” body was still Giovanni’s body but was a much younger and more vigilant Giovanni. He stood there looking proud and happy. He was looking straight at Jak and said to him. Jak, I challenge you to a Pokémon Battle! Jak was once again blown away, has was speechless not able to say a word. It took a long time for Jak to be able to a word, but he was able to say one word at first but then it formed into a sentence. “How am I supposed to battle you with no Pokémon? Second of all….I have never in my life even battled with Pokémon. So I ask you Giovanni…how do I Pokémon battle?” Giovanni responded by saying “For your first Pokémon battle we will be using virtual holographic Pokémon. The system we will use was created by your truly and I have been using it for sometime now to hone and improve me battling skills. And so thus I am almost unbeatable.” Jak started to reply then felt no need to and just decided to accept Giovanni battle request. I will accept your challenge and battle you with you virtual battling system, replied Jak. Giovanni showed a grin of satisfaction. Good, we shall start right away. Follow me Jak, you first ever Pokémon battle awaits you. He said. Giovanni started walking towards the sun and then magically the sun rays of light started to die down. Giovanni kept walking right up to the sun, he then put his hand out and touched it and throughout the room a voice said “Access granted! Welcome back Giovanni Ketchum.” And with that a sliding door appeared where moments ago there was nothing but the fiery surface of the sun. He walked through the door and soon Jak briskly followed behind him.
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I'm a shadow, one that no light will shine on. As long as you follow me, you'll never see the day.
-Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
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  #3    
Old January 26th, 2011, 06:45 PM
videoman's Avatar
videoman
I'm no hero. And never was.
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In my own Videogame World
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Chapter 4 – It’s Your Move
Jak walked into what looked like a large dark and empty room, but when Giovanni clapped four times the lights flickered to life to revel a large battle gym. One that was large enough to fit Pokémon League battles in and still have room for another battle at the same time. As Jak followed Giovanni into the gym farther and farther more things began to happen. As Giovanni strode past specific points in the gym massive stone statues rose out of the gym’s ground. Jak stopped to inspect one of the status to realize the in-depth detail that was put into each of the statues, Jak wondered how long it had taken to hand carve at least one of these statues. After pondering this thought Jak continued to follow Giovanni to the far end of the gym (more like a stadium as they still continued walking) and after walking for what felt like miles, Giovanni swiveled on his left heal and put his hands behind his back like he was a school teacher that was intently watching his students waiting for one of them to start trouble. Jak stopped about a foot away from Giovanni and looked at him right back. This will be the gym that I will battle you. And I know with all my heart that even though I know each knock and cranny in this gym, you Jak will still beat me. Giovanni said. Jak looked at him with a content look on his face. Maybe Giovanni’s right…I feel like…..I feel like I have done this before somewhere far away and sometime long ago. Why do I feel like I have lived through this sort of thing before? I feel like I know exactly what to do and how to do it. Jak thought to himself. What am I thinking? I must be going crazy, I am just a normal kid who goes to junior high school and lives in a world with no pokemon or anything like that. Jak again thought to himself. Giovanni was still looking at Jak when Jak returned to reality. Giovanni somehow noticed that Jak was having second thoughts, because he said to Jak; Jak…I know you are a little confused….How about this, if you lose I will let you go home back to your world and continue living the life you are accustomed to. BUT! If you win that you must listen to all I have to say. Deal Jak? Jak stood there and thought, Jak then nodded his head and simply asked “What would you have me do Giovanni?” Giovanni then told Jak the plan and how the rules worked. They were simple, both him and Jak would be given three pokemon and whomever made all the other trainers pokemon faint first would win the battle. But there was one other rule….that rule was that Giovanni would choose both Jak’s pokemon and his own pokemon. Jak started to protest but then decided to hold back. Jak walked over to one end of the gym’s sides and stood in front of what looked like a spray painted playing field for pokemon battles and Giovanni strode over to the other end of the gym.

When Giovanni reached the other end of the gym he stomped three times on the gym’s floor and a small hole in the floor opened to revel of platform that raised up to the perfect height, almost as it Giovanni and programmed it to do so. Atop the platform was what looked like a….laptop? Giovanni opened up the laptop looking device and typed in the key commands and hit the enter key. The platform with the laptop lowered back into the floor and the hole closed. Jak heard a click and then what sounded like stone grinding on stone, Jak looked around for the source of the noise of saw that a small compartment had appeared from one of the massive stone statues. And in the compartment were….three pokeballs? Jak took a closer look and noticed that they were pokeballs, but something seemed different about them. But Jak could not point his finger on it, but Giovanni answered his question before who could ask it. If you remember this battle with be fought with digital pokemon…virtual if you must say. This means that there is no need for real pokeballs. I made these myself and they are configured differently from the normal pokeballs. Jak continued to examine the pokeball before deciding to return to the battlefield. Shall we begin the battle Jak? Giovanni asked him. Jak nodded, and as soon as he nodded he heard the roar of what sounded like a large crowd of people and spectators. Jak looked at the stands that were on ether side of the battlefield, and saw something the he could not believe. Just moments before the stands had been completely empty, but now they were filled to the brim with people, pokemon and other spectators. Jak turned back to Giovanni and was about to ask but just as Giovanni had done before, he answered Jak’s question before he could even ask it. I also installed holographic realistic people and spectators. They will react to your every move ad how you battle. I have done this to be part of the test that you will be taking here very soon. Jak was confused and clueless about what was going on. But Jak decided to just go along and complete Giovanni “test” and by completing it Jak meant successfully beating it and being victorious. Giovanni stomped on the floor three six times and a whole appeared next to Jak. Jak looked down the whole to see another small platform raised from the whole just like the one that had appeared before Giovanni. Jak noticed the on platform was a ball cap….and an all too familiar one at that. Jak could not put his finger on why it looked to familiar but as he examined it he realized that it was the ball cap that Ash Ketchum wore in the pokemon anime series, Jak looked up and asked why Giovanni had given it to him. This was my sons ball cap, the ball cap of Ash Ketchum. That boy made me feel proud as a father, and when he passed away, it made me feel like I let him down. Because I never actually told him I was his father. Not that but I was unable to save him from his death; Giovanni replied. Ya, I understand that but…why give it to me? I am not him and I have never met him; Jak said. I am not to sure that is true…well besides that part that you are not him. But I have this feeling that you do know him and that you have indeed met the great Ash Ketchum. NOW! Enough talk, let us battle to decide your fate; Giovanni said back to Jak. Both Giovanni and Jak their first pokeball and pressed the button and the pokeball grew in their hand. Jak was surprised about how light the pokeball was; he thought it would be a lot heavier. Are you ready for the battle of your life Jak? Because this battle will decide your fate, this battle will decide how both your present life and you future will turn out. Let the battle of fate begin! Both Jak and Giovanni threw there pokeballs on to the battlefield, Giovanni’s first pokemon was a Nidoking and Jak’s was a…..Charizard? But why a fire type when they are ineffective on poison types? What am I thinking! I need to believe and trust in my pokemon if I am going to win this battle; Jak thought. Soon after this thought Jak felt the ground shake and rattle. Soon the current battlefield changed into a….rocky terrain battlefield? Yes, the whole playing field had changed into a mountainous battle ground. With Jak realizing what was going on, Giovanni ordered Nidoking to just poison horn and Nidoking did so with great speed. Jak ordered Charizard to use guard and Charizard did so quick enough to cause the poisoned horn to be ricocheted off his wings and the horn when flying off in a random direction. The horn then disappeared with a loud poof. Jak wiped the sweat from his forehead then realized what had just happened. He had given an order to his pokemon like not sweat, like he had done this hundreds of times before. What was going on? Jak thought. How did he just do that? Giovanni started clapping. Nice job Jak, you are on your way to become a pokemon master just like you were born and meant to be; said Giovanni.
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I'm a shadow, one that no light will shine on. As long as you follow me, you'll never see the day.
-Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
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  #4    
Old January 26th, 2011, 06:50 PM
Dragonite Ernston's Avatar
Dragonite Ernston
I rival Lance's.
 
Join Date: May 2010
Gender: Male
Chapter 1 seems to read more like a synopsis than an actual progression of events.

Also, you seem to have a few tense problems. Like such:

Quote:
Jak was like every other junior high school student, going to school, trying to get good grades and playing videogames. Jak plays a different videogame that nobody else plays at his Junior High School (or not at all in general), he plays Pokémon. He is the only one in his school who still plays it, this was because everybody else thought it was old, immature and boring and just plain old stupid. But Jak still kept on playing it even though he is made fun of every time someone saw and when someone made fun of him, he was able to just ignore them (most of the time).
About half the verbs are in present tense, and half are in past. Try to keep a more consistent tense.

Now, for Chapter 2:

You're really keeping it on the terse side here.

Quote:
He woke-up at the sound of his alarm (like he always did), he took a shower and got dressed and when down stairs to get some grub (like he always did), and then he got all of his school stuff and shoved it into his backpack, got his lunch and then stepped out onto his front patio to hear a some birds chirping and singing to each other.
Is it just me, or is "like he always did" a little overused here? Also, you're cramming everything into one sentence. Try splitting it up - short sentences are good too.

Secondly, you're going to want to split up your paragraphs. Right now, a bit of the reason I think it's really short is because you're not splitting it up into events.

Quote:
Soon Jak was at school and he had to save his game and plopped his Gameboy original back in his back pack. After school Jak got on the bus and he started playing Pokémon again and by the time Jak finished the Silph Co. building he was home.
Nothing about when he was at school? Why not take the time to depict a little bit of the flak that Jak gets at school for playing Pokémon? It would be perfect here.

This story has potential, but you need to work on your expression.
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  #5    
Old January 26th, 2011, 07:42 PM
videoman's Avatar
videoman
I'm no hero. And never was.
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In my own Videogame World
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
@Dragonite Ernston
Thanks for the feed back dude. First of all....I am doing my best at writing Fan Fictions. I do have a great imagination and most of my writing is all coming from my head (while making sure it's understandable....of course). Second of all....The reason why i did not talk about him being at school is due to the fact that....well because this is a forum based off of a videogame.....and i decided that it would be rather pointless and boring to read about school. When we are having fun and talking about all the cool fun stuff.
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-Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
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