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  #1    
Old February 11th, 2011, 03:36 AM
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Well, I've been pondering over this idea for a while now, and after a week of trying to put pen to paper I create chapter one of my fanfic;

Professor Layton VS Ace Attorney: The Twin Siren

I use notepad (aided by online grammar and spell checks), so please excuse my spelling mistakes, and I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. It was a really good concept in my head, just transferring it onto my computer was the difficult part.

--

PL VS AA: The Twin Siren - Prologue: Twin Telepathy

There was a clinking sound as a both twins were bolted into a metal chair.

"Don't be frightened, Renae. Everything will be fine, it's just a little of Daddy's work."

Renae looked exactly like her sister, Shanae. The only difference was Renae was twisting in her chair, her blonde hair draping her face. Renae continued to struggle and whimper as Shanae remained eerily quiet, accepting
that she was treated like a lab rat. The twins father, David, was a scientist. He was immersed in his studies of identical twins, and has attempted many experiments to further understand how identical twins are. But he was not so interested in personal appearance, as he tells his twins;

"With my research, I am close to revealing a way where twins - like you - can communicate and understand each other without the use for words!" Despite trying to act calm, he could not hide the excitement in his voice.

"You mean like psychics talk with the dead people?" Renae questioned, her curiosity keeping her quiet.

"Exactly, now stay still and we can test it." After briefly explaining his reasons, David then placed a wire on each of the frontal lobes on the twins. Renae began to twitch nervously during the process, while Shanae was still
eerily quiet, it was hard to even hear her breathe.

The four wires connected to the twins trailed upon the floor where they attached to a machine. The machine was metal and covered the entire wall of the room it occupied. There were many screens detailing each twins
brain waves and synergy in each twins mind, and a dashboard with many lights and switches. There was also a big red lever to activate the machine, and a light, with was currently off. David had finished connecting the wires
to each twin and waited in silence. Renae stared at her surroundings, she was rather traumatic about the experience. The room was dull and dark, the only light was emitted from a small globe in the centre of the ceiling.

There were no windows and the machine was the only decoration in the room. Renae tried not to think about all the things that could go wrong, and tried to remain calm like her sister. Shanae was just staring at the machine
with no facial expressions. She was only blinking and breathing. Renae wondered if Shanae was so scared that she was frozen stiff; after all, Shanae was closer to the machine than she was. Renae's thoughts were
interrupted by the dull light on the contraption blinking a dull green. David noticed the light, and calmly walked to the machine.

"Ready, Girls?" Cautioned David, as his calm nature deteriorated. His hand quivered as he pulled the lever down and turned the machine on.

The dashboard lit up and screens began to react to the twins alarmed thoughts. David quickly began to flick switches and interpret the screens. He then pressed the biggest button on the dashboard and sent a jolt of
electricity through each wire and into each twins brain. David began to turn around to check his daughters, just as he did so a screw from his machine burst off at alarming speed. The screw scraped his arm and
ricocheted off the walls until rolling to a stop on the floor. David quickly span around and surveyed his machine. David gasped in horror as he witnessed his machine beginning to emit smoke. The dashboard was glowing red
and the screens had blinking warning sounds, David's eyes began to widen as he tried to reverse the errors.

"No! No! No!" David began to plead with machine, banging his fists on the dashboard. The weight of David's fists was too much pressure for the machine, and the dashboard collapsed onto the floor.

Both twins were now very scared, as both were defenceless to the wrath of the machine. Screws and microchips were being regurgitated from the spluttering machine, some at dangerously high speeds. The room was now
full of smoke and loud clanking noises, the machine at the brink of exploding. A giant force erupted from inside the machine and it blew apart, sending giant plates of metal and small microchips into the air. A large plate of
metal flew at David, knocking him to the floor and sending him unconscious. Both twins were now twitching in fear, trying to release themselves from their chairs.

A second metal plate flew off the machine, this time hitting Shanae, knocking her chair to the floor, trapping her neck between the chair and the metal. Choking and spluttering for air, Shanae hopelessly struggled
against the heavy plate of metal. Then a third metal plate blasted off the machine, aimed at Renae. But with an unbelievable stroke of luck, the metal contacted one restraint on her chair, releasing her from her
chains. Her hands were bleeding, being cut by the scraps of metal and microchips from the exploding machine.

Renae shoved the metal plate off her legs and ran for the exit of the room. Shanae, amidst of her choking, twisted her head to see her sister leave her for dead. Shanae's pain was momentarily replaced with anger, Renae could have just turned around. Her twin sister would not even help her. Shanae's last thoughts of revenge transferred through the malfunctioning machine as she drew her last breath, her sister not looking back, the wires on her forehead yanked off as she escaped out the room. Renae left the room and ran, leaving her father and twin sister for dead.

--

...Yes, the next chapter is when out protagonists enter the storyline, please critique and tell me what you think.
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Last edited by Impo; February 16th, 2011 at 03:35 AM.
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  #2    
Old February 11th, 2011, 05:39 PM
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I certainly could imagine this prologue as a mini-film in Ace Attorney games in a similar style to their 'prologues' to cases, heh. I liked the atmosphere here - it certainly fitted the content after all and was it was an interesting scene as well - the accident was just waiting to happen and maybe a bit predictable but I do think that'd be unfair for me to claim that seeing I read about it in the Plot Bunny thread so I already knew about that. =p It's a decent beginning and it does set up the plot without giving too much away on what the mystery will be entirely be about, imo.

There were some mistakes here and there...
Quote:
There was a clinking sound as a both twins were bolted into a metal chair.
That 'a' isn't needed there.

Quote:
Renae continued to struggle and whimper as Shanae remained eerily quiet, accepting
that she was treated like a lab rat. The twins father, David, was a scientist.
There was a enter gap there in the middle of the sentence, as well for instance here:
Quote:
Renae began to twitch nervously during the process, while Shanae was still
eerily quiet, it was hard to even hear her breathe.
I'd put that down to you using Notepad and copy + pasting from it as that sort of error can occur from it, so just watch out for that as it ruins the presentation a little (there were other instances too). On the latter, there comma doesn't work there before 'it was hard' - I suggest a hyphen for instance, or beginning a new sentence there instead (i.e. '...eerily quiet. It was still...'). On another note, notice how I bolded both 'eerily quiet's there - it's a touch repetitive to use the same phrase multiple times, so try to mix it up some more.
Quote:
But he was not so interested in personal appearance, as he tells his twins;

"With my research, I am close to revealing a way where twins...(etc)
I feel this bit would be better worded if the dialogue and part before it were separate sentences - e.g. '...as he told his twins. "With my research...'.

[QUOTE]"You mean like psychics talk with the dead people?" Renae questioned, her curiosity keeping her quiet.[/QUOTEI feel a 'how' could be placed before 'psychics' there, and the latter part doesn't sound right as you say it's keeping her quiet (I assume you're implying keeping her quiet from making other sounds) but her asking that question contradicts that. OBJECTION.
Quote:
There were many screens detailing each twins brain waves and synergy in each twins mind, and a dashboard with many lights and switches. There was also a big red lever to activate the machine, and a light, with was currently off.
'There were/was' to start two consecutive sentences is a touch repetitive there, and the same with 'many'. Also, 'which' over 'with'.
Quote:
Renae stared at her surroundings, she was rather traumatic about the experience. The room was dull and dark, the only light was emitted from a small globe in the centre of the ceiling.
These two sentences were run-on sentences - the first talks about her looking around, and then being scared, while the
second talks about it being dark and then about the only light in the room, which are somewhat different topics to each other. I'd suggest separating each idea into separate sentences or (which'd avoid making the sentence length the same as each other) changing how you link those ideas. You use commas here but they do not work in these instances by themselves - for instance you could do this:
Quote:
Renae stared at her surroundings. She was rather traumatic (traumatised?) about the experience. The room was dull and dark - the only light was emitted from a small globe in the centre of the ceiling.
On another note, you could try to show us more some details instead of telling us - for instance, with hr being traumatic, how was she show? You could rather mention some symptoms of that (her thoughts, heavy breathing, maybe even cold sweat...) which would then tell us she is traumatised without actually being told directly - and it tends to make for more interesting reading as well.

Quote:
"Ready, Girls?" Cautioned David, as his calm nature deteriorated.
girls and cautioned should not be capitalised there - girls is not a pronoun and as the part following the dialogue should be treated as the same sentence with it, there's no need to have a capital in the middle of the sentence.

Quote:
Renae left the room and ran, leaving her father and twin sister for dead.
Shanae, amidst of her choking, twisted her head to see her sister leave her for dead
Another case in which you repeated a phrase, this time 'leave/leaving...for dead'. Try replacing one, such as with 'abandoned them' or so forth.

Overall it is a decent start - it could just use some more edits and proofreading so the story flows on a bit better and all. Good luck with the rest of your story!
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Old February 16th, 2011, 03:34 AM
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thank you for the critique, bobandbill .
I have tried to implicate that into this chapter, I'm kinda proud of it. This is where the good stuff starts :D !

--

PL VS AA: The Twin Siren - Chapter 1: Subtle Beginnings

"Wow, Professor, another mystery solved!" Luke celebrated, jumping in his seat of the Laytonmobile.

"Now Luke, quite down, we must let Flora get her rest." Professor Layton responded to Luke's uproar, motioning to a sleeping Flora in the back seat. Professor Layton and company had just solved a thrilling mystery, and were now travelling back home to London. There was a light rain, and the night sky began to turn a dark blue.

"Hmm... I don't think we will arrive in London before nightfall. I believe we must find a resting place for the night." Layton concluded, noticing the darkening sky ahead.

"Well, I think there is a small motel around here somewhere," Luke said, "there was a sign on the road."

"Wonderful," Layton said cheerfully, "speaking of hotels, I found a puzzle quite challenging in the paper yesterday. It was quite a formidable challenge, it goes something like this..." The duo were still conversing over mind challenging puzzles when Layton parked the Laytonmobile in front of the hotel. Staring through the window of the car, both men thought a motel would be a more accurate description for the establishment. There was only one story, but it looked rather large from the outside. It looked like a large yet cosy home, a perfect resting spot. Both Layton and Luke exited the Laytonmobile, and Layton tried to gently wake up Flora while Luke picked up the suitcases for their stay.

"Flora, dear, wake up," Layton said, giving her a gentle poke.

"Huh?" Flora rolled her head on her seat, groggily opening her eyes. She realised the Laytonmobile was stationary and quickly climbed out of the car, the door being held open by a polite layton. She thanked him with a giggle and the three entered the motel, Layton explaining the situation as they entered. A beautiful young lady was at the receptionist desk, her eyes seemed to light up as potential new residents entered. Layton, Luke and Flora began to walk through the lobby, inspecting their surroundings. Despite being rather empty, the inside of the hotel fitted the cosy appeal just like the outside. There were decorative plants and a couch facing a television.

The couch was currently occupied by a man with spiky hair, and two females dressed in odd robes. Luke seemed to blush at the youngest girl, they were both teenagers. As the lobby was rather empty, their conversation could be heard.

"Maya, I don't think there are any waterfalls here, stop asking already!" The man said, addressing one of the robed women.

"Oh come on, Nick! I thought this whole vacation was to find more training places!" The older female answered, batting her eyelids in a playful manner.

"Mr. Nick, you should find a waterfall for your special someone!" The youngest of the three said, pulling up her sleeves in an intimidating manner. The three began to bicker in quiet voices, and their conversation became inaudible just as Layton reached the front desk. The woman at the desk had glowing blonde hair and a cute face, she addressed Layton with a giggle.

"Welcome to my motel, would you like a room to stay?" She asked, swaying in place while waiting for a reply.

"Yes, please. Are two rooms available? We are in need of shelter for the night, and this place looks rather cosy." Layton replied, tipping his hat in acquaintance.

"Of course, I know the perfect rooms!" The girl giggled, searching on her computer, "The total price comes to one hundred and twelve dollars."

"Certainly," Layton replied, placing the exact change into the girls hand.

"Wonderful!" She laughed again and handed Layton two brass keys, "Your rooms are numbers eleven and twelve. Enjoy your stay at Motel Siren!"

"Thank you, young lady," and with that Layton, Flora and Luke went to go locate their rooms. Professor Layton handed one key to Flora and they both inserted their keys into the doors. Flora entered her room alone and Layton and Luke entered theirs. Both rooms were similar in detail, the only difference being a double bed for Flora and two singles for Layton and Luke. Each room contained a bathroom and a small television for
entertainment. Luke dumped his suitcase on his bed and place Layton's on his. Luke then unlatched his suitcase, the contents exploding onto his bed.

"Wow! This bed is super-comfy!" Luke exclaimed joyfully, testing his bed's bounce. The contents of his suitcase now falling onto the floor, Layton decided to return to the lobby while Luke organized his belongings and changed into his pyjamas. Upon returning to the lobby, Layton noticed the lady at the front desk had disappeared, but the three on the couch remained. A blue ball bumped into Layton's shoe, he bent down and picked up the ball as the little girl ran up to retrieve it. She retreated once she saw Layton, but he walked towards her and handed her the ball.

"Here you go, be sure to keep an eye on your belongings," Layton said with a smile. The little girl looked at Layton, then shyly ran behind Maya, clutching her robes.

"Come on now, Pearl, say thank you. He's not going to bite your head off." Maya said, approaching Layton with a wide grin.

"Thanks for getting Pearl's ball, she's a little shy around new people," Maya said, explaining Pearl's behaviour.

"Ah, not to worry, a precious jewel like her needs to be cautious," Layton said with a small laugh.

"She certainly does! My name is Maya, spirit medium in training," Maya said, formally introducing herself.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance," Layton said, shaking Maya's hand. "I'm Professor Hershel Layton, Archaeologist at Gressenheller University."

"Wow, you must be smart. Nick! Come say hello to the Professor!" Maya said, turning around so Nick was included in the conversation. Nick approached Layton with an easy-going smile, and introduced himself.

"How are you, I'm Phoenix Wright, Defence Attorney." Wright shook Layton's hand, scratching his head at the same time.

"I was under the impression from Maya that your name was Nick." Layton stated, trying to start a conversation.

"Well, that's actually a long story," Wright explained. Luke and Flora emerged from their rooms in their pyjama's, walking up to Layton. Luke was wearing his striped pyjamas and Flora in a peach night-gown.

"Ah. Flora, Luke, come meet our new friends," Professor Layton said, moving to the side so everyone could get acquainted.

"This is Phoenix, Maya and Pearl," Layton explained, naming everyone in the room. Everyone exchanged introductions and went into their rooms for the night.

The receptionist, Renae, finished writing in her diary before clasping the lock on the book snap shut. She swung her chair around and stared out of her window, witnessing the moon rise. Her eyes were following the moon, she then felt some sudden breathing difficulties. Gasping for air, she feel to the floor, clutching the corner of the desk. She regained her posture, standing up with a completely different aura. Growling as she breathed, Renae ran out of her room, searching the hotel.

"Revenge! I want revenge!" Her words were malicious and evil as she burst into Flora's room. Flora awoke with a jump, but before having time to react Renae flicked her wrist and sent decorations of the room flying towards her. Without making contact with them, Renae threw the decoration at Flora, successfully knocking her out. She then heaved Flora's unconscious body down into the managers office. Layton and Luke woke up, hearing the odd noises in the hallway. Bursting out of their room in their pajamas they noticed Flora's door was ajar, they peered into her room and noticed the sheets upon the floor and a rather large metal ball askew on the floor.

"Flora?" Luke said, not expecting a response. Layton ran outside the room and witnessed Flora being hauled into the Manager's room. Layton heard a click as Renae locked the door, taking Flora with her.

"Flora!" Layton said, he and Luke beginning to run towards the door.

---

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Old February 17th, 2011, 08:27 PM
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Story-wise, this is good. I know from the Plot Bunny thread that this is going to be an interesting plot. So I'm not going to mention much about that due to spoilers, since this story just started.

The main thing I'll focus on for this review is the grammar. In the first chapter, you still had a few line breaks from I'm assuming Notepad. Just as a question: Do you have Wordpad? I believe that that comes standard with every computer, and it's actually better than Notepad for typing. For one thing, it has margins, so the lines won't stretch out too far for the forums.

Another suggestion is to read over your story before you post it. You seem to know your grammar, so quite a few of the mistakes I found could have been fixed with a proof-reading by yourself. If you're unsure about something, maybe just ask someone to help you out a bit with cleaning up your chapters.

One other thing that I noticed especially in your prologue is that you don't really use epithets to describe your characters to avoid repeating their names in the narration. I'll show you with an example:

Quote:
David began to turn around to check his daughters, just as he did so a screw from his machine burst off at alarming speed. The screw scraped his arm and ricocheted off the walls until rolling to a stop on the floor. David quickly span around and surveyed his machine. David gasped in horror as he witnessed his machine beginning to emit smoke. The dashboard was glowing red and the screens had blinking warning sounds, David's eyes began to widen as he tried to reverse the errors.
At least one of those "David"s could have been replaced with something like "the girls' father". Finding instances of repeated words and then rewording sentences or replacing the repeated words with new ways to say it will help clean up your story.

Just don't forget to also spend some time describing how your characters feel. Like when Flora is taken, how do Luke and Layton feel?

Really, just clean up the grammar of your story to improve readability, and you'll be all set. Looking forward to more!
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Old February 17th, 2011, 09:37 PM
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thank-you

i have wordpad, i'll start using it now
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Old February 20th, 2011, 12:35 AM
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I'm afraid I think my writing quality has declined. I'm having trouble finding the right words to describe what's happening in the story, so it may not flow very well.
I haven't started using wordpad yet, I plan to next chapter

--

PL VS AA: The Twin Siren - Chapter 2: The Psychic Captor

"Flora!" Professor Layton tried to remain calm, but it was obvious he was beginning to stress.

"Eugh... what's with all the noise?"

Phoenix, Maya and Pearl appeared from their rooms, all dressed in their pajamas.

"Flora! She's - she's - some one's taken her!" Luke spluttered, running to the door Flora passed through. He desperately tried to open the door, but failed. Out of frustration he began to aggressively pound the door down, but was stopped by Layton.

"Now, Luke, we must remain calm. A gentleman always rescues their lady friend without resorting to violence." Layton then turned to Phoenix, Maya and Pearl. "I believe you should leave the motel. The manager may have
another urge to steal another person from their rooms."

"No! We're helping!" Maya said, pounding her hand into her palm. "But how do we open this door... - oh, look!"

On the wall next the locked door was a picture. It was an odd picture, only different coloured keys were painted on a white background.

"The pictures name is 'The Key Box'," Phoenix said, investigating the frame of the picture. "I think one of these keys should open the door!"

Phoenix then tried to remove one of the keys, having a lot of trouble.

"Grrr, I can't pull them out!"

"Please, allow me to try and solve this puzzle."

Layton then carefully studied the picture, while everyone impatiently waited for him to retrieve the key.

"C'mon Professor, Flora's probably far away already!" Luke said, he seemed to be the most agitated of Flora's abduction.

"I have it. It's quite simple really," Layton then preceded to lift the picture to reveal a box in the wall, holding a single key.

"The picture name indicates a box, but the picture is rather two dimensional. The only way for the picture name to be accurate is if the picture was extended to make it 3D. As you can see, the indent in the wall is shaped like
a box, and the inside is decorated white. I believe the frame is just a lid to conceal it."

"Good going, Professor!" Luke cheered. Layton then unlocked the door and everyone ran to rescue Flora.

***Meanwhile***

Flora began to stir, her memory was fuzzy. All she remembers was someone in her room, then a floating orb colliding with her forehead.

"Where am I?"

Flora tried to move, but she was strapped into a chair. The room was very dark, but Flora could see the shadow of someone, their face was concealed by the darkness. Nothing else was visible but the small light coming from the open door.

"Finally, you're awake." The person who kidnapped Flora walked up to her, and began to circle her while she talked.

"I have been waiting for this day-"

"What day?!" Flora was struggling in her chair, trying to reason with her captor. Flora had no idea who had kidnapped her, but from the voice Flora deduced that she was female.

"- the day where I get my revenge-"

"Revenge? What for!" Flora was getting very aggressive, despite not being able to move.

"-for leaving me for dead."

"What!?" Flora was beginning to tire from fighting a losing battle with the chair, and stopped struggling to regain her breath.

"All you had to do was turn around and we both could have been safe, avoiding this moment in time. But, your selfish actions must be punished."

"What - what actions?"

"Enough talking! Time for you to receive what your actions caused!"

Flora's captor motioned towards a metal plate, and it began to levitate. The metal plate then began to float in Flora's direction.

"What - what are you doing!?" Flora screamed. The metal plate was rather large, and it seemed as if Flora's captor wanted to use it as a weapon.

"Flora!"

Luke burst through the doorway closely followed by Layton, Phoenix, Maya and Pearl, shocking both Flora and her captor. Flora's captor lost her concentration, and the metal plate fell to the floor with a loud 'clang'.

"Luke!" Flora said, relieved.

Luke rushed over to Flora, releasing her from the chair. Flora hugged Luke, then everyone turned to the shadowy figure in the corner.

"Who are you? I want to hear a name!" Phoenix demanded, addressing the unknown person.

"I'm not telling!" The person then lifted both of her arms, and hundreds of small bolts and screws from the ground started to levitate. Everyone gasped in shock as with a sweeping motion of her arms the unknown woman
sent hundreds of bolts and screws flying towards them. The woman made her escape, as her telekinetic abilities proved a valuable distraction. The group tried to give chase, but the bolts and screws slowed them down
heavily, allowing the woman to evacuate the motel. As she left, the pandemonium ceased, the nuts and bolts fell to the floor and remained lifeless.

"Flora, are you okay?" Luke asked, wanting to know who the mysterious captor was.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. But I have no idea who that was," Flora said, before anyone could ask.

"Then why would they kidnap you?" Phoenix asked, scratching his chin.

"Hmmm.... this is indeed quite perplexing," Layton said, thinking. "I'm not sure if we should stay here or not, fearing Flora's safety. But whoever caused this mayhem has gone, and I'm certain that nothing dangerous will
continue when that woman isn't in our midst."

"Well... I'm tired, so I'm going back to bed, night all!" Maya concluded, leaving the room. She was followed by everyone and they all fell asleep quite quickly, despite the traumatic events that took place.

---

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Old February 20th, 2011, 06:09 AM
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Quote:
I'm afraid I think my writing quality has declined. I'm having trouble finding the right words to describe what's happening in the story, so it may not flow very well.
I haven't started using wordpad yet, I plan to next chapter
I suggest taking your time with writing and editing then until it does feel right - sometimes some rewrites need to occur for the story to come out 'right', so to speak. (That and Beta Readers can also help).

The plot is certainly all right overall I feel - nice way for them to meet up, and character-wise they seem pretty accurate (I don't know Layton characters that well but they seem to be right at any rate, and the AA ones look good to me). I did think that the characters sleeping at the end of the last scene felt a bit off though, especially given for instance Phoenix often not getting sleep when he has a case. Maya in particular seemed a bit too casual in proclaiming that she is going to sleep imo.

There's still the grammatical mistakes here and there as well, which I suppose would be another reason to take your time with writing/edits. A good method I find is to, after writing it all, give yourself a day's break from looking at your story so when you do re-read you have a fresh look on things, and it's easier to spot your own errors or see what parts need work. Here's some of them:
Quote:
"Now Luke, quite down, we must let Flora get her rest." Professor Layton responded to Luke's uproar, motioning to a sleeping Flora in the back seat.
Besides that it should be quiet, there should be no full stop there after 'rest' as the part following the dialogue talks about who spoke it and flows on, so it ought to be treated as one sentence with the dialogue. Hence no full stop, but a comma instead (as otherwise it's like putting a full. stop in the middle of a sentence - effectively you ignore the quotation marks).
Quote:
"Hmm... I don't think we will arrive in London before nightfall. I believe we must find a resting place for the night." Layton concluded, noticing the darkening sky ahead.
Quote:
"Maya, I don't think there are any waterfalls here, stop asking already!" The man said, addressing one of the robed women.
Same here - full stop should be a comma, and 'The' should be 'the'. There's some other instances of this as well, along with times you did it correctly as well, so just look through your work to fix those errors.

Quote:
A beautiful young lady was at the receptionist desk, her eyes seemed to light up as potential new residents entered.
There's still some instances as well where the sentence is a run-on - it'd be better to split this into two sentences where the comma is as they talk about different things - first part is that there is a lady sitting at a desk, the latter is a detail on her eye and reaction. You could keep it to one sentence but that'd require some rewording, as the comma by itself does not link up the two parts of the sentence properly. (Also maybe consider a 'the' before potential?)
Quote:
Gasping for air, she feel to the floor, clutching the corner of the desk.
fell.
Quote:
. The manager may have
another urge to steal another person from their rooms."
Quote:
The only way for the picture name to be accurate is if the picture was extended to make it 3D. As you can see, the indent in the wall is shaped like
a box, and the inside is decorated white. I believe the frame is just a lid to conceal it."
A few times the new line in the middle of a paragraph problem also occurred, and there's a couple more instances of this as well.
Quote:
On the wall next to the locked door was a picture. It was an odd picture, only different coloured keys were painted on a white background.
Firstly, add in that 'to' there. Anyways, this felt a little bit bland in description imo - 'odd picture' seems to state the fact rather than show us as what follows doesn't really show us why it it that odd a picture - some more description would help, imo.
Quote:
Phoenix then tried to remove one of the keys, having a lot of trouble.
Another case where you could expand a bit more - for instance instead of telling us he was having a lot of trouble - show us by saying for instance he's tugging at the keys quite strongly and grunts a bit while doing so, which'd let us know he has trouble with it without telling us outright. This 'showing not telling' thing is a good technique as it usually makes for more interesting writing.
Quote:
"The pictures name is 'The Key Box',"
picture's.

Quote:
***Meanwhile***
I suggest against time skips like that, as usually a new scene and enough description in the story/the plot's events will tell us this fact easily enough, so it's not necessary, and can give away a bit of mystery or suspense as well, along with interrupting the flow of the story.


Overall the plot is coming together, it just needs some more time spent polishing it imo. And maybe Wordpad for those spaces. =p
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Old February 20th, 2011, 09:50 PM
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thank you for the critique, i may go look for a beta writer now .
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Old February 22nd, 2011, 07:13 PM
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To add on to what bobandbill said, you don't have a schedule when it comes to updating your fanfiction. You can take all the time that you need to write, rewrite, and edit the story into the best that you can make it. Sometimes, you won't be able to figure out quite how to make it work, but so long as you're close to satisfied with it, then you can post it and get reviews to help you out.

The Layton characters seem to be pretty spot-on to me. Again, I don't think that they would all simply fall asleep at the end of the chapter. For one thing, Layton and Luke would make sure that Flora is all right, and they would take the time to talk about what happened and try to figure it out.

Quote:
"Flora!" Professor Layton tried to remain calm, but it was obvious he was beginning to stress.
This is where you can easily show instead of tell. You say that it's obvious that Layton is stressed out by what's happening, but how is it obvious?

It's like how you showed that Luke was desperate to save Flora. He pounded on the door, yelling. It's clear what he's feeling then.

Also take some time to describe other things, like the surroundings. Like the odd picture. How is it odd? And the motel itself. A good thing you can do is describe the motel, so that the readers can see that it's creepy, and they'd feel the same feelings as the characters.

It's still a good fic. Taking the time to edit it and going over it with a beta reader will help clean up the few mistakes here and there to make it even better.
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Old February 22nd, 2011, 09:47 PM
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thank you,
i so desperately need a beta reader
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Old February 23rd, 2011, 05:10 PM
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The next chapter, ta-da!

---
Professor Layton VS Ace Attorney: Chapter Three - Illogical

The next day Layton, Flora and Luke were ready to continue their journey back to London. The three said a cheery goodbye to their newly made friends and gathered their luggage. They then explained the incident last night to the receptionist, who gasped.

"Oh my! Are you okay sweetie?" She asked Flora, who silently nodded. "I promise I will found out what happened. I have no idea how this could have happened, I don't even remember last night."

Flora thanked the lady for her concern, and the three exited the hotel. Layton held the door of the Laytonmobile open for Flora and climbed inside the car himself. After Luke slammed his door shut Layton put his key into the ignition and began to drive away from the hotel.

"Well, I'd say that wasn't the best choice of hotels. Are you sure you're not physically harmed, Flora?" Layton asked Flora, asking about her kidnapping.

"I'm fine, Professor," Flora said, with a slight shiver, "I just don't want to think about."

"Ah, I understand."

The rest of the trip back to London was silent, only the radio and the engine creating noise. Two days went past, and not a single mention of the hotel was given to Flora. Luke on the other hand, could not stop talking about it.

"Who do you think it was, Professor?"

"Whom is it I am trying to identify, Luke?"

"Flora's kidnapper, of course!"

"There isn't enough information for an accurate guess, but think back to the night."

"What exactly about it?"

"Well, there were a maximum of eight people in that hotel that night, us, Phoenix and his friends, the receptionist and the kidnapper."

"What if there were other guests?"

"I have made in insight into that. Only us, Phoenix, Maya and Pearl were occupying the hotel as guests."

"Were there other staff too?"

"The only person to run the motel was the woman at the registry; she, and only she manages the motel. Remember the night, Luke? There was an awful lot of noise, she would have investigated the source immediately. Owning the residence, she would have feared someone was vandalizing her property. We even passed through the Manager's room, not a soul was there."

"So it was her!"

"It's the only logical explanation."

"I don't believe it, Professor. It's so blatantly obvious now." The two pondered over the their conversation, being interrupted by a phone call.

"Hello? Yes, he is speaking," Layton answered, leaving the room. Luke then pondered over the Professor's words. It just didn't make sense.
--

Heavily talk-based, I'm afraid it may be a little short, so please comment if I there's a required length for writing.
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Old February 23rd, 2011, 09:33 PM
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There is no length requirement for chapters. They can be as short or as long as you feel they can be. So if a chapter feels complete to you and it's on the short side, then you can post it.

My head's kind of clogged, so this review's going to be on the short side, btw.

As a question, what's a general time line for how long it takes you to write each chapter? I ask because while it seems like you work on each chapter for a few days (between three to five for each posting), I'm wondering how much time you devote to editing the chapter. Since you write on WordPad, I'll assume you can save the chapter onto your computer. Then you should have the chance to read over your story and see a few errors, like:

Quote:
"Whom is it i am trying to identify, Luke?"
This missed capitalized "I" here.

Quote:
The said a cheery goodbye to their newly made friends and gathered their luggage, even the female at the receptionist' desk also gave them a cheery goodbye.
Or how the part about the receptionist said good-bye is its own sentence.

It's just something I wondered, because I know that you could have caught these on your own, so just remember to take the time to edit your chapter before you post it/send it off to your beta reader.

Other than that, there's not really a lot to say about this chapter. I do wish that there was more to Luke and Layton's conversation, but then again, there's not probably not really much more you can add to it. Though I am wondering how the rest of the story will go and how Phoenix and his crew will include themselves in the story again. (Phone call?)

Maybe one thing you can do to lengthen the chapter a bit is show more of how they left the hotel. Instead of saying that Layton told the woman what happened, show the conversation. Write it out. That way, you can add more depth to the woman's character by how she reacts to what happened in her hotel. And if she doesn't seem bothered by it (as Layton points out later on in the chapter) have him comment on it to Phoenix and his crew before they all part ways.

While I can understand that you would like to write about the important events that deal with the plot and move it along (like the conversation between Luke and Layton), it's also the small parts that add to your story's world and the characters. Don't be afraid of adding more to what happens in each chapter. Even if it seems uninteresting, it really might not be because it'll make your characters and world more real.

Y'know, if you want more help, I'd be willing to give it. Almost like a beta reader. You can ask me whatever questions you have while writing, or even send me the chapters to look over before you post. I'd be happy to help you, if you want.
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Old February 23rd, 2011, 10:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
There is no length requirement for chapters. They can be as short or as long as you feel they can be. So if a chapter feels complete to you and it's on the short side, then you can post it.

My head's kind of clogged, so this review's going to be on the short side, btw.

As a question, what's a general time line for how long it takes you to write each chapter? I ask because while it seems like you work on each chapter for a few days (between three to five for each posting), I'm wondering how much time you devote to editing the chapter. Since you write on WordPad, I'll assume you can save the chapter onto your computer. Then you should have the chance to read over your story and see a few errors, like:


This missed capitalized "I" here.


Or how the part about the receptionist said good-bye is its own sentence.

It's just something I wondered, because I know that you could have caught these on your own, so just remember to take the time to edit your chapter before you post it/send it off to your beta reader.

Other than that, there's not really a lot to say about this chapter. I do wish that there was more to Luke and Layton's conversation, but then again, there's not probably not really much more you can add to it. Though I am wondering how the rest of the story will go and how Phoenix and his crew will include themselves in the story again. (Phone call?)

Maybe one thing you can do to lengthen the chapter a bit is show more of how they left the hotel. Instead of saying that Layton told the woman what happened, show the conversation. Write it out. That way, you can add more depth to the woman's character by how she reacts to what happened in her hotel. And if she doesn't seem bothered by it (as Layton points out later on in the chapter) have him comment on it to Phoenix and his crew before they all part ways.

While I can understand that you would like to write about the important events that deal with the plot and move it along (like the conversation between Luke and Layton), it's also the small parts that add to your story's world and the characters. Don't be afraid of adding more to what happens in each chapter. Even if it seems uninteresting, it really might not be because it'll make your characters and world more real.

Y'know, if you want more help, I'd be willing to give it. Almost like a beta reader. You can ask me whatever questions you have while writing, or even send me the chapters to look over before you post. I'd be happy to help you, if you want.
Really? That would be super-dooper helpful. Thanks so much :D

and i may edit the last chapter to include the receptionist's reaction to the kidnapping, for plot purposes
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