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  #1    
Old May 21st, 2011, 01:36 PM
Scraggy123's Avatar
Scraggy123
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In a world of pocket monsters,pokemon for short this is the story of a boy named Akro a boy going through Unova to be the top Pokemon trainer! This sounds much like Ash's story in Pokemon Black and white but it's different!!!. If popular next season in Sinoh.

Chapter 1: Partner

Young Akro was a young 12 year old that got insulted because of his name. So this was the year that he would start his journey to compete in the Unova League. "Today's an important day!", he jumped out of bed, dressed and ran down stairs. "Excited for today", his mother said, placing a plate of eggs with bacon. "So, what starter do you think your going to choose?", Mom said. "I've been thinking... and I have decided not to get a starter, I'll look for my own partner."

Mom sighed, "would you at least go to the professor for your kit". "Yeah I will", Akro said. "And don't forget to brush your teeth", Mom said. Akro looked down as he could see his teeth. He brushed his teeth then walked outside to the direction of the Professor's Lab. Alan,14, his rival that always picked on him came along the trail. "Sup, choose a starter already",he said sarcastically. "Na I decided to not choose a starter, I just look for one", Akro said.

"I choose Tepig", Alan through a poke ball in the air and a healthy Tepig came out. The Tepig shoot a scowl at Akro and tackled him. "Why do that for?", Akro said. "Guess he doesn't like you", Alan said. The Tepig used ember to make Akro scurry, and he did. "Great stuck in the middle of the forest", Akro sighed while looking for a way back home. In the air he saw a Scarfty using headbutt at a Scraggy. "What's that?", Akro followed the the direction of the Scarfty.

A Scraggy was there with powder on his mouth from a container that said "DO NOT USE ON POCKET MONSTERS OR WILL STOP EVOLUTION FOREVER". A Scarfty and a Scraggy were getting ready to attack, Akro jumped and blocked the attack from the Scraggy. "You okay", Akro said in pain. "There mad at me because I ate this powder that stops a pokemon from evolving". "I can understand the Scraggy, weird", Akro said. The Scarfty and Scraggy left in anger. "You Okay?", Akro said. "Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm fine, I don't have a partner,will you be mine? ", Scraggy said. "Yeah okay",Akro said. (in the inside he was dancing in joy)

The text is orange when the Scraggy is talking. Next Chapter 2:Rival Battle to Professor Juniper.
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  #2    
Old May 21st, 2011, 05:07 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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As a note, double posts here are not allowed unless you are the author and have a new chapter to post. If you want people to leave reviews I suggest checking out other people's stories/poetry and leaving your thoughts (make sure it's not a one-liner though) and participate in discussions in the Writer's Lounge - that'd make you stand out more and so forth.

A few quick things - I feel you could spend a bit more explaining a few things and expanding on how things look like/people react. For instance -
Quote:


Young Akro was a young 12 year old that got insulted because of his name. So this was the year that he would start his journey to compete in the Unova League.
The beginning sentence is an interesting concept but then you jump away from it in the following sentence - going into more detail on how that made him feel or how he felt about his own name, etc would add more to the story and show us more of his personality. In addition, we have no real idea what he looks like - tall and thin, or maybe small and meek in nature? Furthermore we only know he lives in Unova - but where? And what does his surroundings look like?

As a minor note, generally you'd want to write out numbers smaller than 100 - so twelve over 12. And is there any reason as to why he's starting at the age of twelve curiously?
Quote:
"Today's an important day!", he jumped out of bed, dressed and ran down stairs. "Excited for today", his mother said, placing a plate of eggs with bacon. "So, what starter do you think your going to choose?", Mom said. "I've been thinking... and I have decided not to get a starter, I'll look for my own partner."
Another thing to note is with dialogue. Firstly, you'd want to start a new paragraph each time someone else talks. Secondly, there is no need for commas after the ending quotation mark - you just need something before it. (As another side note - downstairs rather than down stairs and you're (you are) rather than your). Hence it becomes:
Quote:
"Today's an important day!" He jumped out of bed, dressed and ran downstairs.

"Excited for today?" his mother said, placing a plate of eggs with bacon. "So, what starter do you think your going to choose?"

"I've been thinking... and I have decided not to get a starter, I'll look for my own partner."
I'll also again mention that more could be added in - we don't know what the clothes look like and his mother does seem to be a filler character - serves a typical breakfast and doesn't seem too concerned by the fact this is the last time she'd see her son for a while too - I feel more could have been added to the scene. The fact he wants to get his own Pokemon rather than a starter is an interesting concept though - but again some more revealed on say why he doesn't want a free Pokemon would be nice to see - after all, he's essentially saying he doesn't want a free Pokemon.
Quote:
The Tepig used ember to make Akro scurry, and he did. "Great stuck in the middle of the forest", Akro sighed while looking for a way back home.
Note also not to rush events - one sentence he is running away from an aggressive starter Pokemon and the next he is in the middle of a forest and the Tepig has disappeared which seems like a rather big jump in-between events. Add more in - show us how he is running away, and make the chase interesting for the readers.
Quote:
The text is orange when the Scraggy is talking.
One last note - changing the colour of the text isn't that great an idea actually - on some forum skins/styles it is hard to read different coloured font. Rather consider changing the format - say, any lines spoken by a Pokemon is in italics, or in <Speech> tags.

In short, I suggest proofreading and some more additions here - expand on characters/events so we can see how things happen and what things look like/how people react to such events in more detail.
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  #3    
Old May 22nd, 2011, 06:03 AM
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Scraggy123
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Thank you for the advice.
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  #4    
Old May 22nd, 2011, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
One last note - changing the colour of the text isn't that great an idea actually - on some forum skins/styles it is hard to read different coloured font. Rather consider changing the format - say, any lines spoken by a Pokemon is in italics, or in <Speech> tags.
Or you could change the font. If you do, though, make it readable.
Now, on to the review... though the spelling and grammar aren't perfect, they aren't terrible either. Although, I must ask that you spell "Pokemon" correctly from now on. The story is a bit too common and bland, seeming to me a little bit too close to the pokemon anime, and then there's Alan, the "rival", who seems to be a mean, rude guy despite being only 14. If you think about it really hard, it's rather difficult to picture a 14 year old commanding his Tepig to attack a 12 year old without a pokemon. You did, however, have the main character, Akro, decide to go out and find his own starter, which is a change from most cases where the protagonist receives one from a professor. Still, why is it that the first Pokemon Akro finds is a Scraggy that needs a friend and can speak human languages?
Also, a lot more detail could be added in places. The Tepig attacks Akro with Ember to make him run, and Akro somehow winds up lost immediately. There seems to be a large gap here, and much more descriptive language could be used in places. For example, you wrote the sentence, "He brushed his teeth then walked outside to the direction of the Professor's Lab." Compare this with, "Akro grabbed a toothbrush, and scrubbed furiously at his teeth to clean any grime left on them. When he finished, he even felt cleaner. He marched confidently out the door, swinging it closed behind him as he breathed in the fresh air and headed down the road to the Professor's Lab." It's not easy to do at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's not all that difficult and in fact seems to come naturally at times. Hang in there.
Sorry if this seems harsh, but consider it constructive criticism.
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Last edited by ElectricScyther; May 26th, 2011 at 12:39 PM.
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  #5    
Old May 27th, 2011, 07:12 AM
Scraggy123's Avatar
Scraggy123
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Not harsh criticism, I appreciate the advice.
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  #6    
Old June 3rd, 2011, 12:33 PM
Scraggy123's Avatar
Scraggy123
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Join Date: May 2011
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Nature: Gentle
I'll stick with the orange text, I like the idea personally.

"Chapter 1 Part 2"

"How am I going to get back on trail?", Akro rubbed his chin as a expression of thinking. He started walking towards a flat rock where he could sit and think. A Pidove flew on top of rock then faced in the direction of Akro and Scraggy. Akro took one step forward the Pidove, the Pidove flew a way to a flock of Pidoves going the opposite direction. Akro sat on the rock, then started to think of ways to get out of the forest.

"I have a map of this area," Akro mumbled to his self. He opened his bag to look for the map he said to have. "Aww it's not here!, It must of fallen when I ran away from Tepig's Ember. Scraggy pointed to the left side of the forest. "You know the way!", Akro's eyes sparkled. "Yes I know!, How you think I got here in the fist place?", Scraggy gave Akro a stupid look followed with a scowl. "I thought you were dragged here because of rapid hits from the Scraggy and Scarfty, " Akro stood up from the rock he was standing on.
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  #7    
Old June 3rd, 2011, 05:10 PM
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Astinus
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Might I ask why you like the orange text? As bobandbill said, changing the text color makes it difficult to read, especially on some skins or for people with bad vision. For an extreme example of the first, check the spoiler.

Spoiler:


And on the other skin I prefer using, a light orange on white is hard for me to see.

When you post your work online, you are open to a large variety of fonts, colors, and sizes. You do, however, want to avoid changing the font too much from the default color and size (on forums) or going with bad color/size/font combinations (on regular websites). The reason for this is because you'll want the most amount of people to be able to read your fic, so you can get a wide audience with their own opinions on your work. If you make it difficult for people to read your fic for any reason, you're losing out on potential readers.

Now onto more of the story itself, it seems as if you just stopped the chapter in the middle of the action. Like Akro and Scraggy figure out a way through the forest and... That's it. The chapter ended very abruptly, and it would work better if you added more. Not just to what happens in each chapter but more description of how the characters feel, what they think, where they are, how they get from scene to scene. Don't rush your chapters, but take the time to work on them to make them the best that you can make them. Feel free to ask questions or for advice in the Writer's Lounge subforum, or check out our writing guides thread for more information. Or you could even read a few other fics posted here.

Hope this helps.
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  #8    
Old June 8th, 2011, 05:34 PM
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Scraggy123
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Join Date: May 2011
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I do read others sometimes, and is there anything good about my story?
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