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  #1    
Old July 3rd, 2011, 06:03 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed

Advertise here
Pokémon
Legends of Kanto


Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon
Category: Original trainer
Rating: PG-13

Well, here is something I've been working on for the past few weeks. This is my first fic in over a year, and I'm hoping you all will like it. It is about a few trainers from Pallet Town setting out on their first journey, all aged 12-13 (screw that 10 year old stuff, lol). Here ye go.


credit for banner goes to Hybrid Trainer.

Spoiler:




Prologue

It was a very peaceful day in the town of Pallet. A smooth breeze blew through the town so warmly bathed by the slowly sinking summer sun. The mood was high for the citizens of this peaceful town, as the students attending the Pallet Pokemon School have graduated after a year and a half’s worth of hard work and learning the basics of the creatures known as Pokemon. Now that they have surpassed the basic level of Pokemon education, graduates now have the requirement to begin their own journey through the beautiful land of Kanto, where legends are born.

Only three students graduate from the class at a time, the top three pupils. These three individuals passed the tests issued by the town’s Pokemon expert, Professor Oak. With each group of three graduates, the Professor gives one Pokemon to each individual, granting them each a proper head start for their upcoming journey.

The top three students in this years class are Blue, who was an obvious contender for graduation, being the grandson of Professor Oak. However, the boys smarts prove his worthiness, scoring close to perfect marks on each major exam. The second upcoming Pokemon trainer is a boy named Barclay, a kind spirited child who received average scores on his tests. How the third trainer, Red managed to pass was above anyone’s head. His tests scores were the lowest out of the three individuals, yet high enough to beat out the rest of the class. Red is also a kindhearted boy, but can be too childish for his own good.

The graduation ceremony was nearing its end, and all the graduates had the fire of excitement blazing in their eyes. Their spirits were high with diploma in hand; the guarantee of receiving a Pokemon from Professor Oak only boosted their moods. Their eyes gleamed at the Professor as he approached them.

“Congratulations to all three of you! I am looking very forward to seeing the three of you head out on your very own Pokemon journeys.”

Professor Oak smiled and paused for a moment as one of the boys, Red, held his hand up with a question that was likely running through all three boys minds.

“Professor Oak, when are we getting our Pokemon?”

Red asked inquisitively as his curious, brown eyes gazed at Professor Oak.

“Ah, a very good question,” Professor Oak paused again for a quick moment to clear his throat, “I want the three of you to show up to my Pokemon Lab at the very edge of town tomorrow at 8:00AM sharp. Tonight is for you to rest your minds and prepare for the journey ahead.” he added tone to his voice when he mentioned the time.

Then, the Professor turned to his grandson. Blue couldn’t have had a more serious look in his green eyes when they made contact with the Professors. It was almost like they knew what the other was thinking.

“Blue, I am very proud of you for accomplishing this.” Professor Oak placed his hand on his grandsons shoulder.

“Thank you, sir.” Blue nodded.

Professor Oak then redirected his attention towards all three boys, “I am looking forward to tomorrow. I know you will all do great.” he smiled, waved to the crowd, and made his exit.

The graduation ceremony ended as the three upcoming trainers received applause from the audience. Well, most of the audience, anyways. A few jealous classmates glared off to the distance; one girl even stormed off during the applause, arms crossed. The crowd dispersed, and the graduates left for home with their respective families. Red walked besides a very proud mother who was staring up into the beautiful orange sky the evening sun had blessed them with. Red was to busy gazing at his diploma with a million thoughts racing through his mind faster than a Rapidash at the track. His mother broke the silence with a very important question.

“Son,” the brunette woman looked down to her boy, “have you given any thought to what Pokemon you’re going to start out with?”

“Hmm..” Red looked at the ground and then back up to his mom, “I could choose Bulbasaur, the grass type. Or I could choose Charmander, he looks really cool!” he exclaimed as images of the starter Pokemon ran through his mind, “or Squirtle. That hard shell looks like it’s tough to beat!”

The sound of her sons excitement was like music to her ears. A beautiful smile stretched across her face, “Well, I’m sure you’ll end up with the right one for you.” she rested her hand on his shoulder for a brief moment.

Silence fell upon the two as they walked down the road their house was located on. Red’s eyes were fixated on his diploma still, anyone could tell that the boy was in an overabundance of joy. His mother continued to smile as she stared back up to the glistening, orange sunset. As the two neared closer and closer to their house, the mother looked down at her son again, this time with a look of pride in her eyes. Red caught his mothers gaze.

“What is it, mom?” He asked with a head-tilt.

“Oh, uh.. Nothing, son.” She chuckled.

She opened the door to their little, blue, one story house.

“So, would you like dinner?” She asked as she shut the door behind her, “this is your last home cooked dinner before leaving for your journey.”

She cringed at the word leaving. Maybe the severity of her son leaving on a Pokemon journey all by himself was reaching her, but she smiled in an attempt to hide her discomfort.

“Would I ever!” Red’s smile stretched from ear to ear as he jumped in the air with a fist pump. “Your cooking is the greatest!”

“All right. You should go to your room and begin packing for your journey tomorrow. You wouldn’t want to go unprepared, right?”

“Ah, you’re right,” Red exclaimed with a panicked look, “I haven’t even packed anything yet! I should go start right away!” he rushed to his room at breakneck speed.

His mother entered the kitchen with a laugh at her sons antics, as she could hear Red shuffling through his room for supplies. She turned the stove and threw on two uncooked pork-chops, a bowl of corn, as well as a bowl of mashed potatoes. As she began mixing the mashed potatoes, the reality of her son leaving on a journey by himself reentered her thought process. She sighed.

<What if he gets hurt on this journey? What if he gets mixed up with the wrong people? What if this is too much for him? What if… I never see my baby boy again?>

This cloud of negative thoughts plagued her mind to the point of tears which slipped down her soft, beautiful face and into the mashed potatoes. She attempted to wipe away her tears once she heard footsteps approaching her. It was her son, much to her surprise. However, she failed in her attempt to mask her watery eyes.

“Mom, are you alright?” Red asked in a very concerned tone.

“Yes, but it’s just..” she looked down with a sad look in her eyes before fixating them on her black haired son, “It’s just I don’t want you going alone.. I wish you would stay here and be safe, but I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want to.. Just, it‘s not going to be easy for you..” she sighed.

“Mom..” Red gave his mother a hug and looked up to her with smile and the energetic, reassuring eyes only a child can have, “I’m not going to be alone, I’m going to have my Pokemon with me. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I want this, I’ve been waiting for it..”

The two shared another warm embrace before Red returned to his room to look for supplies. The conversation seemed to erase any doubt and fear the boys mother held in her mind, and she couldn’t help but to smile now. The doubt she had in her mind stemmed from fear that Red might not be ready for a journey, but this was proved to be wrong. Her son is more than ready for a Pokemon journey. She hummed a tune as she returned to her cooking.

<My son.. A Pokemon trainer.> She chuckled with the thought.

Meanwhile, Red was in his room, sorting through what he can bring and what can fit in his large, yellow backpack. While he had more than enough space in the backpack with its pockets galore, he knew those pockets had to be filled only with important journey items. He packed an extra blanket and a small pillow in the center pocket, quite obviously the largest. He couldn’t really think up of anything more important to add other than a pair of swimming trunks and an extra pair of clothes. When Red assumed he was done, he proceeded to jump on his bed, lay on his back, and stare at his Pokemon patterned ceiling. The time faded with thoughts of his upcoming journey.

<Tomorrow is finally the day.. I’m going to be.. A Pokemon trainer!>

There was a fire raging in his glistening, brown eyes.

“Red, dinner is ready!” His mother called from the kitchen.

The smell of his last home-cooked dinner filled the air as he jumped out of bed to go eat his meal.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!

Last edited by Lashh; August 7th, 2011 at 09:46 PM.
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  #2    
Old July 3rd, 2011, 06:05 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
As a thread opening present, here is the first chapter.

Chapter 1

The shimmering of a full moon illuminated the peaceful town. It was late at night now, and everyone was inside their houses and asleep. Almost everyone, that is. One lone girl was wandering through the grass fields of the town. A brunette with light blue eyes that beautifully reflected the moons light. Her name is Green, and she is in the portion of the class that didn’t graduate, meaning she isn’t receiving a Pokemon for her journey. Discontent filled her eyes.

“Darn it, I wanted one of those three Pokemon!” She pouted as she stopped and stomped on the ground.

“I don’t want to have to wait any longer to go on this journey.. Oh, what am I supposed to do!” She questioned herself as it appeared she was ready to rip her hair out from the anxiety.

She continued walking all alone until she reached the top of a large grass hill. She had a very good view of the other side of town from the top of this hill. Trees, houses, more trees, and Professor Oak’s Pokemon Lab. A mischievous idea popped into her head as soon as she laid eyes upon the laboratory.

“Of course, I can always get one of those Pokemon the easy way..” Green put her hand on her chin for a moment as she pondered, “But what if it’s too risky?”

Green continued her stroll to the Pokemon Lab, but her pace at this point was more of a jog than a walk. She surveyed the area to make sure no one was around. Then, she stopped, crouched, and looked through one of the back windows. There was no one inside the pitch-black laboratory. Green could see a table with three red and white spheres on it, no doubt the Poke Balls containing the starter Pokemon. Much to her dismay, the windows and doors were locked.

“Hmm, it‘s locked..” she thought for a moment, and the light bulb lit up. She pulled a bobby pin out of her wavy, brown hair, “I’ve got just the way to deal with you..”

Green wiggled the bobby pin inside the key hole of the door. She finally heard a pop after jiggling it inside the door for a few good minutes. She silently opened the door and devilishly snuck into the lab with an ever so mischievous smile spread to the corners of her face.

Hours later

The bright, morning sun made its appearance over the Kanto region and filled every nook and cranny of Pallet Town. However, the suns rays weren’t enough to wake up Red all alone, who was passed out and snoring so comfortably wrapped up in the soft sheets of his bed. It was nearing 7:30AM, just a short half hour away before he is supposed to receive his starter Pokemon and set out on a journey. His mother took note of this and so quietly snuck into his room with two empty frying pans. Then out of nowhere she began banging the cooking pans together, which creating a loud, ringing sound that was more than enough to startle Red out of bed. The boy was so caught by surprise that he nearly fell face-first out of his bed.

“Ah mom, what was that for!?” Red exclaimed as he held his head, his ears were still ringing.

“Have you already forgotten what day is today, son?” She asked with hands on her hips.

“Oh yeah, I start my Pokemon journey today!”

Red excitedly jumped in the air and began undressing his pajamas immediately when he touched the ground, regardless of his mother who was still in the room. She approached his backpack and picked it up.

“I’m going to take a quick look through this and make sure you’re prepared, alright son?”

She didn’t wait for Red to answer her before she left the room, seeing as the boy was too busy looking through his closet for an outfit to wear on his journey.

His mother sat at the dinner table as she unloaded the contents of his backpack to make sure he was prepared. It didn’t come as a surprise when she discovered he wasn’t. She sighed once more at the thought of her son leaving on a journey. While she was no longer filled with any negative thoughts, she still couldn’t shake the fact that dangers are still present in the world from her mind. Then, her eyes lit up with a brilliant idea.

“I know..”

She whispered to herself as she looked down at her necklace. Around her neck was a gold and silver plated coin, and it looked very rare and valuable. Perhaps a treasure from her younger days? Still, she ripped it off, gave it a kiss, held it to her heart, and put it in the bottom of Red’s bag. This was no doubt her way of wishing her son luck on his Pokemon journey.

Red strode out his room looking like quite flashy in his journey attire. A red hat sat forwards atop his messy, black hair which flew in many directions. He wore a red jacket with white sleeves and a white collar over a black t-shirt. He also wore light blue pants and red and black shoes. On his hands were black, fingerless gloves. Red approached his mother with a question.

“So mom, am I all set to go?” He eagerly and looked up to her.

“Close, but there’s a few things you are missing,” she glanced over to the clock in the kitchen, “but you should really get going now, it’s 7:39AM. Why don’t you stop by after you get your Pokemon so you can get your backpack?”

“Okay, sounds good. See you later, mom!”

Red rushed out the door quicker than his mother could reply. She could really see the excitement that overtook him. She smiled as she began looking throughout the house for anything else to add to his backpack.

Red walked all the way through Pallet Town as the light breeze played with his hair. The town was bursting with early activity, from mailmen dropping off mail to each doorstep, to people shopping for food at the outside market, to children chasing the wild Pidgey and Spearow. Red had only one thing on his mind, and that was getting to the lab on time for his own Pokemon. Had he owned a clock he would’ve known that the time was nearing 8:00AM. When he reached the top of the hill that overlooked Professor Oak’s Lab, a rush of adrenaline took over and sprinted towards it. He slowed his pace when he saw Blue and Barclay in conversation, walking the same way he was.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Red shouted and waved to get their attention. He was panting by the time he reached them.

“What’s up buddy?” Barclay replied.

“Huh, what are you so out of breath for?” Blue teased with a cocky tone in his voice, “Wake up late?”

“Well, uh…” Red’s cheeks blushed a rosy hew as he scratched the back of his head.

“Eh, it doesn’t matter,” the blonde-haired boy Barclay interrupted, “let’s go get our Pokemon, the lab is right there!” he pointed.

The three boys stared at the Pokemon lab and continued their walk towards the building.

“So, have either of you decided on what Pokemon you’re going to choose, yet?” Red inquisitively asked as he turned his head towards both his fellow graduates.

“I already know which one I’m going to pick,” Blue answered, “but what kind of trainer would I be if I shared my plans?” he said with a smart tone.

“I’ve given a lot of thought to it, and the only Pokemon I want is Bulbasaur.” Barcaly held his fist in front of him as he imagined what his first Pokemon was going to be like.

The clock struck 8:00AM exactly, and the three boys stood outside the Pokemon lab. A soft breeze flew by as the three boys stared intently at the building which housed their first ever Pokemon. Blue decided to do the honors of opening the door, but it was locked. Confused, the spiky-brown haired boy attempted to open it again, but to no avail.

“What’s the deal here?” Blue asked.

“Here I am! Wait just another minute!”

The three boys turned their heads to see Professor Oak approaching them, lab coat and all. How ironic it was that he told them to show up on time and he’s the one that’s late. However, it didn’t seem like any of the three boys were complaining, they looked overjoyed to see the Professor with their ear to ear smiles.

“Sorry for making you three wait on me, it’s quite a walk to here from my house.”

“No need to apologize Professor Oak, the important thing is that we’re all here!” Barclay exclaimed.

“Ahh, I see you are excited for your Pokemon journey,” Oak commented with a smile, “shall we now enter the lab?”

Oak pulled a key out of his pocket, unlocked and opened the laboratories front door. He flipped the main power switch as soon as he entered the lab. The overhead lights turned on one by one. While the lab itself wasn’t huge in size, there were many bookshelves filled with endless knowledge about Pokemon physiology. Towards the back of the lab were computers and various machines, all beeping and buzzing with one function or another. The group of four made their way to the back of the lab where the Pokemon were.

“Here is the moment of truth, boys!” Oak exclaimed as they neared the back.

Professor Oak’s mind was sent into a whirlwind of confusion as soon as he laid eyes on the table. There were only two Poke Balls on the table, which obviously wasn’t right. Professor Oak rushed to the table, and the boys could tell something had gone wrong.

“Professor Oak, what‘s wrong?” Red asked.

The curious Professor examined the table and walked to the backdoor. It was obvious to him now that someone had broken into the lab the night before, and the culprit failed to shut the door completely upon exiting. Professor Oak turned to the three boys with the look of disappointment in his eyes.

“Well, there is no other way to explain this. One of the Pokemon has been stolen. I have no other extra Pokemon to give, so only two of you will receive Pokemon..”

Professor Oak frowned. He hated the thought of leaving one of the boys out, and he could see the disappointment and confusion forming in their eyes. The three sighed and looked at each other.

“Well,” Red gulped at the thought that he might be the odd one out, “how are we going to settle this?”

The other two boys looked down and thought for a good, long minute. Blue was the one to break the silence with his idea.

“Well, let’s see what Pokemon there are to choose from first. From there on, we can decide on how to work out this problem.” Blue turned his attention towards his grandfather, “Professor, would you please release the remaining Pokemon from their Poke Balls?”

Professor Oak complied with his grandsons request and picked up both of the red and white spheres. He then proceeded to press the white buttons located at the center of each ball, which opened each one up and released the Pokemon inside. The three boys watched in amazement and anticipation as two entities of bright energy emerged from each Poke Ball. The bright light from the energy faded as soon as the Pokemon materialized on the floor before them, revealing their identities.

The first Pokemon was a short, orange, reptilian creature. The Pokemon had sharp claws on both its hands and feet, as well as four baby fangs inside its mouth. The most noticeable feature of this Pokemon was the fire raging atop its tail. The Pokemon opened it’s large, blue eyes and looked at Red, who caught the creatures gaze.

“Char.. Charmander.” The Pokemon spoke in a soft voice.

The second creature was a light blue turtle, and was even shorter than the preceding Pokemon. A hard, brown and cream colored shell surrounded its body.

“Squirtle, Squirtle!” The Pokemon exclaimed as it looked up to the Professor with its brown eyes.

“Well boys, Charmander and Squirtle are the only remaining Pokemon.”

Immediately, Red and Blue looked at Barclay. It was visibly apparent how crushed his spirits were as soon the corners of his lips formed into a deep frown with eyes sadly gazing at the ground.

“What’s wrong, Barclay?” Professor Oak asked.

“Professor Oak,” the boy raised his head as his eyes began to water, “Bulbasaur is the Pokemon I had my heart set on starting out with..” he clenched his fists.

Professor Oak looked deeply saddened by Barclay’s display, sharing the same discontent with Red and Blue. Red clenched his fist and shut his eyes for a second, gulped, and placed his hand on his friends shoulder.

“Barclay, you can have my spot.” His voice was shaky.

Professor Oak, Blue, and Barclay all had a surprised look on their faces at Red’s statement. The Oak’s stayed silent to let the two converse.

“Really Red, do you mean it?” Barclay wiped his tears away.

“Yes.” He sighed.

Barclay was shocked by Red’s offer. He paused for a moment to look at Charmander and Squirtle eye to eye. He then looked down at the ground with his hand on his chin. He took one more look at the Pokemon before turning back to Red.

“Thank you for the kind offer Red, but Bulbasaur was supposed to be my first Pokemon.. It wouldn’t feel right setting out on a journey without the Pokemon I wanted and stripping you of your chance for a journey.”

Barclay placed his hand on Red’s shoulder, “Thank you again my friend, but I just can’t do that.” he sighed.

“Well, I must say, I am impressed,” Professor Oak spoke up, “both of you have presented a high level of maturity. Both of you will make great Pokemon trainers, I‘m sure of it.” he said with a smile and a nod.

“But, Professor.. How can I be a trainer without my starter Pokemon?”

“You can still be a Pokemon trainer. You have been waiting awhile for this, yes? Well, I won’t let your chances of being a Pokemon Trainer slip away so easily. After Blue and Red pick their Pokemon, we shall all escort you to Route 1 and catch a Pokemon for you. While this may not be the preferred method of starting out your Pokemon journey, it’s better than nothing, right?”

Barclay’s eyes widened as he burst with an unfathomable amount of joy.

“Really Professor? Then what are we waiting for,” Barclay turned to both his friends, “choose your Pokemon, guys!”

Red sighed with relief that he didn’t have to give up his one chance for the right Pokemon. He looked to Professor Oak and then to Blue, “So, how are we going to settle who chooses first?”

“Like this. I choose Squirtle.” Blue turned to and pointed at the turtle Pokemon.

“Well, nothin’ much I can do,” Red shrugged, “Charmander is mine.” he smiled at the Pokemon.

Professor Oak approached the two new Pokemon trainers and handed them their respective Poke Balls. The Pokemon proceeded to approach their new trainers, who were matching with their ear to ear smiles. The Professor smiled as he witnessed the birth of the Pokemon - human relationship, a truly reminiscent experience for all trainers and Pokemon alike. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back to remember what it felt like when he became a trainer himself while Red and Blue introduced themselves to Charmander and Squirtle.

“Well, it’s settled then,” Professor Oak demanded the attention of the room, “Let’s go catch a Pokemon!”

Professor Oak and the three boys exited the Pokemon Lab. Blue and Red were focused on their Pokemon. Then, a soft breeze blew by the group, the wind of a new beginning.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #3    
Old July 3rd, 2011, 06:57 PM
Etoire's Avatar
Etoire
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Gender: Male
It's very interesting! I'm rather interested in what will happen next... Barclay not getting his pokemon is slightly unexpected. I liked how you seem to incorporate the manga slightly into the story (Am I wrong...? The names of the characters seem to fit the manga characters.) If there's any criticism I can give, it's the prologue. The first two paragraphs are confusing and the words seem to take a while to form a proper image. If you can reword them to be simple and captivating to the average reader, then it'd do well in attracting readers. Or something along those lines.
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  #4    
Old July 3rd, 2011, 07:55 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
It's very interesting! I'm rather interested in what will happen next... Barclay not getting his pokemon is slightly unexpected. I liked how you seem to incorporate the manga slightly into the story (Am I wrong...? The names of the characters seem to fit the manga characters.) If there's any criticism I can give, it's the prologue. The first two paragraphs are confusing and the words seem to take a while to form a proper image. If you can reword them to be simple and captivating to the average reader, then it'd do well in attracting readers. Or something along those lines.
Thanks for the criticism. Anyways, you'll see what happens with Barclay and what not. As you read along with the chapters, you'll notice influence from the manga, and maybe even from the anime. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I worked hard on this. Next chapter may come sometime this week or sometime today, depends on my mood.

Alas, keep on reading. If you find the first two chapters interesting, I'm sure you'll like what else I have planned in this story.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #5    
Old July 4th, 2011, 02:32 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Chapter 2

Red stared intently into his new Charmander’s face as they walked the dirt roads of Pallet Town. He couldn’t believe he had his very own Pokemon, right there next to him. The reptilian Pokemon was also in high moods as it walked along repeating its name from time to time. Red looked at Barclay, who had his eyes set in the direction of their destination, Route 1. Then he turned to Blue, whose pace was a little slower than the rest of the group. This was so his Squirtle could keep up with him. Blue and his new Pokemon were staring each other eye to eye.

“So Professor Oak,” Red spoke up, “which one of us is going to catch Barclay a Pokemon?”

“I am going to catch the Pokemon for him, which will also be a demonstration for all three of you.”

Red nodded and the group continued pressing forward. Just then, Red remembered he had to stop by his house for his supplies, and to show Charmander to his mother. He glanced in the direction Route 1 is located, and then in the direction of his house. It wasn’t that far, but stopping might make him lag behind the group. Nevertheless, he stepped forward.

“Hey guys, I’m going to stop by my house real quick to get my backpack. You guys can go on without me, I won’t be too long.”

“Alright Red, do as you wish. We won’t start the demonstration without you.” Professor Oak smiled.

“Thank you, Professor!”

Red broke away from the rest of the group, and Charmander followed without having to be instructed. The trainer looked down at his Pokemon again.

“So Charmander, are you ready for an adventure?”

Charmander repeated its name multiple times, jumping and waving its arms around. Red didn’t need a translator to know what his Pokemon was saying, as its body language was indicating pure excitement. He was overjoyed to see that his first Pokemon was a friendly one, although he would have been happy to have one either way. Red held his hand up and pointed to his house once they reached the end of the road it’s is located on.

“That’s my house, Charmander.”

Much to Red’s surprise, Charmander jolted to his house. The reptilian Pokemon was pretty fast for being a starter Pokemon, It's trainer could barely keep up. Charmander stopped and gave Red an ever so innocent smile as he approached the front door. He replied with a laugh for his Pokemon’s antics as he opened the door to his front house, then his mother gleamed when he entered the house with a Pokemon, immediately rising from her comfy chair. She put down the book she was reading as well as her reading glasses. She then approached her son with backpack in hand.

“So I see you chose Charmander!”

She knelt down on one knee and made eye contact with the Pokemon. She pet its head with her free hand, “Hello, my name is Scarlet, I’m Red’s mother!”

Charmander jumped up and down in place when Scarlet introduced herself. It’s eyes gleamed up to her as she rose to have a word with her son. She couldn’t help but to smile when she noticed Charmander’s glistening gaze.

“You made a good choice Red, he’s soo cute!” She emphasized the last two words in her sentence.

“Actually, I made the only choice,” Red paused to look down at Charmander and then up to his mother who had a confused look on her face, “one of the Pokemon got stolen, Bulbasaur. Squirtle and Charmander were the only choices left.”

“So how did the three of you decide how to choose?”

“Well, Bulbasaur was the only Pokemon my friend Barclay wanted, to he didn’t even choose a Pokemon. Blue chose Squirtle, and that left me with Charmander.” Red pet the top of his Pokemon’s head.

“That’s so horrible,” she gasped, “so he’s not going out on his journey?”

“Actually he is.” Red smiled, “Professor Oak, Blue, Barclay and I are all going out to Route 1 to watch Oak catch a Pokemon for him.”

“Ah, how brilliant! So Barclay gets a Pokemon and you all learn how to catch a Pokemon. That’s really hitting two Pidgey with one stone!”

Scarlet took one more look at the smiling Charmander before continuing, “Well then, I probably shouldn’t keep you here any longer. I’ve packed everything you’ll need on your journey. I’ll walk you two out.” she handed Red his yellow backpack as she escorted the trainer and his Pokemon out of the house.

Red looked in the direction Route 1 is before looking back at his mom. She held her hands together as a sad look overtook her eyes. She knew her son was really setting out for his journey now, packed and ready to go. The two approached each other and hugged.

“I’m going to miss you son, be careful out there,” she placed her hand on the top of his hair and kissed his forehead, “and good luck.”

Charmander watched curiously as the smiling Scarlet and her son exited the extended, warm embrace. Red then looked up to her, “Thank you, mom.” he smiled and nodded.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you another time. Come back and visit sometimes, please?” She placed her hand on his shoulder.

“I will mom, for sure. I love you mom.”

“I love you too, son.”

Scarlet and her son shared one more hug before she retreated back to her house. Red and Charmander then continued their journey to Route 1. The trainer sped up his pace, and his Pokemon followed. Red then decided to take his backpack off to look through what supplies his mother included that he missed. Everything she packed was in the main pocket, which included a long rope, three water bottles, a flashlight, extra batteries, matches, a pocket knife, and a rolled up sleeping bag. He put the knife in his back pocket before slipping the backpack on.

It wasn’t too long before Red and Charmander reached the exit of town and the entrance to Route 1. The two walked through a stretch of tall grass that eventually became the main path of the route. Red and his Pokemon continued down the main path, looking every which direction for Professor Oak, Blue and Barclay. It was hard to tell which direction they went, there were trees everywhere. Red figured that they probably didn’t stay on the main path, he hadn’t seen any Pokemon yet. He ventured off the path and into the trees, hoping he didn’t make the wrong move.

Professor Oak, his grandson, and Barclay were in fact off of the main path. The light from the sun peeked through any gaps in the trees that shaded their area. The two new trainers were surveying trees and bushes, turning their head with each rustle of a bush or snap of a twig.

“Professor, where are you taking us?” Barclay rushed to Oak’s side.

“I am taking you to the place where I caught my very first Pokemon. I figured that would be an appropriate spot. We’re almost there.”

Blue and Squirtle caught up with the rest of the group when Professor Oak mentioned their destination. The sound of a racing river met their ears as they got closer and closer to the spot. They were there before they knew it. Before them was a large pond that stems off a part of the river running along Route 1. Professor Oak closed his eyes and remembered what catching his first Pokemon was like. This was a truly reminiscent day for him. He opened his eyes to look at the river when he heard a splash. He only saw the tail of a fish Pokemon submerging into the water.

“So where are the Pokemon?” Barclay asked.

“Just wait a minute, I’m sure one will appear.”

A few minutes passed, and a few Poliwag began to emerge from the pond. Three small, blue, circular Pokemon exited the water. None of them had arms, but they all had a similar black spiral pattern on their white stomachs and all had pink mouths. They began chasing each other on their clearly underdeveloped legs, needless to say they weren’t very fast. They appeared to be enjoying themselves as they all exclaimed their names, laughing.

“Professor Oak, are any of those the Pokemon you were planning on capturing for me?” Barclay asked.

“Yes, but let’s hold our positions for just a few more minutes. Red isn’t here yet, and I don’t want him missing out on this valuable learning experience.”

“Oh, why do we have to wait for him?” Blue crossed his arms, “I mean, we shouldn’t have to wait on him.” he leaned against a tree.

“Be patient Blue,” Professor Oak turned to his grandson, “Patience is the key to being a good Pokemon trainer, don’t forget that.”

Red walked with his hands on his hips as both he and his Charmander’s heads were turning every way to look for the Professor and the group, but to no avail.

<Man, they’ve probably already caught a Pokemon by now..> Red thought as he looked down to the ground and crossed his arms.

“Charmander, you wanna turn back?” Red knelt down to ask his Pokemon.

“Char, Char..”

The Pokemon’s reply appeared to be in agreement with a nod, but then his eyes lit up at the sound of a splash. Charmander frantically jumped and pointed in the direction he heard the splash and jolted. Red lagged behind, barely able to keep up with the speedy fire Pokemon.

“Hey, get back here!”

Red demanded, but Charmander didn’t listen. They both came to a stop when the river, a pond, and Pokemon came into their view. Red’s eyes lit up when he saw the Poliwag playing so peacefully. Professor Oak and the other two boys came into view when he turned his head. He and Charmander rushed in their direction.

“Hey guys, here I am!” Red waved his arm.

“It’s about time.” Blue scoffed.

“Now we may begin. Right this way.”

Professor Oak signaled the boys to follow him as they slowly crept closer and closer to the oblivious Poliwag. Professor Oak grabbed a miniature sized Poke Ball out of his coat pocket, which turned to normal size when he pressed the center button. He turned back to all three boys, “Are you ready?”

All three boys nodded.

“Then here we go! Pidgeotto, I choose you!”

Professor Oak threw the Poke Ball in front of him, and a bright flash of energy emerged and materialized. The Pokemon that came out of the ball was a large, brown bird. The talons on its feet were razor sharp, and its large beak was just as intimidating. Pidgeotto spread its large wings out and confidently exclaimed its name. Two of the three Poliwag took note of this and retreated to the pond. Only one remained standing with a curious look in its gazing eyes.

“Here we go! Pidgeotto, use a Tackle attack!” Professor Oak pointed at Poliwag.

The three boys stood in amazement as Professor Oak commanded his Pokemon. Pidgeotto gracefully accepted his commands as it pushed itself into the air and glided towards its opponent. Poliwag had a terrified look in its eyes, but it knew the drill. It retaliated by deeply inhaling and releasing many bubbles from its mouth upon exhalation. Pidgeotto was flying too fast and made a crash landing after the attack made contact. Poliwag charged Pidgeotto and attempted to slap the bird Pokemon with its transparent tail.

“Pidgeotto, dodge and use Sand Attack!” He clenched his fist.

Pidgeotto was no longer in its airborne domain, so it wasn’t easy for it to thrust itself backwards to dodge Poliwag’s DoubleSlap attack. The bird Pokemon grasped a small window of opportunity and quickly flapped its wings, which kicked dirt up into the air and blocked Poliwag’s view of Pidgeotto. The dirt lingered in the air.

Professor Oak turned to the children for a brief moment, “Remember trainers, strategy is the key to winning a Pokemon battle.” he turned back to his Pokemon, “Pidgeotto, use another Tackle attack!”

Pidgeotto pushed itself up in the air again to where it had a clear view of Poliwag. It then proceeded to swoop down and ram its body into Poliwag, head first. Poliwag got back up, but it was still caught in the storm of dust that lingered in the air from Pidgeotto’s Sand Attack. It released many more bubbles from its mouth in hopes of hitting Pidgeotto, but to no avail.

“Use a Gust Attack!”

Pidgeotto began flapping its wings at a very high speed. This created strong gusts of wind that blew away the dirt from Sand Attack. Poliwag attempted to hold its ground, but the sheer force of the wind knocked it on its back. It glared at Pidgeotto as it got back up and released another massive array of bubbles from its mouth. The bird Pokemon dodged with ease as it calmly maneuvered through the air. Poliwag began to pant.

“Alright, this is it, pay close attention!” Professor Oak exclaimed, “Pidgeotto, use Quick Attack!”

Pidgeotto dived towards Poliwag and descended an incredible speed. The water Pokemon attempted another Bubble attack, but if failed to fire before the bird Pokemon completed its attack. Pidgeotto hit, and it hit hard. Pidgeotto returned to Professor Oak’s side as Poliwag struggled to get back up.

Red, Barclay, and Blue’s mouths were open with amazement as Professor Oak grabbed an empty Poke Ball from his pocket and pressed the center button. It was like poetry in motion when he threw the empty containment device towards the weakened Poliwag. The ball hit the Pokemon and it converted into a bright energy form that got vacuumed into the device. Everyone in the group fell silent in this never ending moment as the Poke Ball shook back and forth on the ground emitting a beeping sound.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!

Last edited by Lashh; July 5th, 2011 at 01:39 PM.
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  #6    
Old July 5th, 2011, 12:59 PM
Etoire's Avatar
Etoire
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Gender: Male
The second chapter was really good too! Though there were some minor typo's if you don't mind my fixing them and pointing out some changes you can make yourself?

Quote:
Much to Red’s surprise, Charmander jolted to his house. The reptilian Pokemon was pretty fast for being a starter Pokemon, its trainer could barely keep up. Charmander stopped and gave Red an ever so innocent smile as he approached the front door. He replied with a laugh for his Pokemon’s antics as he opened the door to his front house. His mother gleamed when he entered the house with a Pokemon, immediately rising from her comfy chair. She put down the book she was reading as well as her reading glasses. She then approached her son with backpack in hand.
Charmander is technically owned by Red, so "its trainer" should be possessive, I.E. It's. You probably knew that, but since the post was so long you missed it. I make that error all the time! You can also combine " He replied with a laugh for his Pokemon’s antics as he opened the door to his front house. His mother gleamed when he entered the house with a Pokemon, immediately rising from her comfy chair." and make it more compact. Remember, periods make longer pauses than commas or semi-colons.

This is really interesting! Thanks for noting my prior post! =]
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  #7    
Old July 5th, 2011, 01:44 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
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Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
The second chapter was really good too! Though there were some minor typo's if you don't mind my fixing them and pointing out some changes you can make yourself?


Charmander is technically owned by Red, so "its trainer" should be possessive, I.E. It's. You probably knew that, but since the post was so long you missed it. I make that error all the time! You can also combine " He replied with a laugh for his Pokemon’s antics as he opened the door to his front house. His mother gleamed when he entered the house with a Pokemon, immediately rising from her comfy chair." and make it more compact. Remember, periods make longer pauses than commas or semi-colons.

This is really interesting! Thanks for noting my prior post! =]
No problem man, thanks for reading! It means a lot to get a review and criticism for me, it shows me areas I can improve upon. Anyways, minor changes made (I still have yet to edit the first couple paragraphs of the Prologue, I'll do it when I get around to it lol).

Anyways, thanks again for reading and reviewing. The next chapter is on its way, keep an eye out for it!

From your post, I can gather that you're a writer yourself. If you are, I look forward to reading anything you've written!
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #8    
Old July 5th, 2011, 01:53 PM
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Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Chapter 3

The hot, afternoon sun beat down on Professor Oak and his group of starting trainers. A few drops of sweat trickled down the Professor‘s face, who was intensely focused on the shaking Poke Ball a few feet before him. The Poliwag inside it was trying its hardest to resist capture, as the button in the center of the ball rapidly flashed and beeped with each movement. Professor Oak clenched his fist and gulped. It seemed like an eternity before the Poke Ball ceased motion. The Professor smiled as his eyes lit up when he was sure the Pokemon was captured, and then he approached it.

“I… think he did it..” Red’s voice was soft.

Professor Oak picked the ball up off the ground and held it out towards Red, Blue and Barclay, “Congratulations, you have been given a proper demonstration on how to catch Pokemon!”

A very large smile spread across Barclay’s face as he sprinted towards the Professor. Red, Blue, and their Pokemon followed.

“Hey,” Red turned to Blue, “that’s pretty cool that he has his own Pokemon now, isn’t it?” he innocently chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Blue’s arms were crossed. He didn’t appear to be enjoying himself.

Red gave quick questioned look to Blue’s flat, uninterested tone of voice before placing his attention back on Professor Oak, who handed Barclay the Poke Ball.

“Barclay, here is your brand new Pokemon! I told you you’d become a Pokemon trainer. I wasn’t going to let you down.” Professor Oak said with a sincere smile.

“Th-thank you so much Pro-Professor!” Barclay stuttered with excitement. He and the Professor proceeded to share a respectable handshake.

After Barclay and Professor Oak ended their handshake, Red approached Professor Oak with a question.

“So Professor, what is up next?”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked that Red, I have something very important to give to the three of you.”

Barclay broke his gaze from the Poke Ball as he, Red, and Blue all gave the Professor Oak their full attention. Even Charmander and Squirtle curiously stared at their trainers‘ mentor. He held his lab coat open and grabbed three red, rectangular devices from one of the inside pockets and distributed one to each trainer.

“These devices I’m giving you are called PokeDex’s,” He coughed to clear his throat, “they are Pokemon Encydlopedias. Whenever you capture a new Pokemon, it is scanned and its data is recorded. You can even check which moves your Pokemon has learned.”

“So why are you giving them to us?” Red questioned.

“Because I want the three of you to fill up these PokeDex’s and gather knowledge.” Professor Oak looked to all three boys as he made his statement, “It is a goal of mine to gain a better understanding of each Pokemon with data acquired through the PokeDex. I’m far too old now to carry out that goal myself, so I was hoping the three of you would lend a helping hand while you are out on your adventures.”

“I will, grandpa.” Blue stated with a serious tone in his voice.

“I’ll capture as many Pokemon as I can!” Barclay pumped his fist high in the air.

“Me too,” Red turned to his Pokemon, “won’t we, Charmander?” he smiled patted the fire Pokemon’s back.

“Charmander, char!” The orange Pokemon waved its arms.

Professor Oak gave a heartfelt laugh to Red and Charmander’s interaction. He then gasped as something came to his mind, “Oh, I forgot one thing. Hold out your hands.”

The Professor proceeded to grab a handful of Poke Ball’s that had yet to be expanded to full size from one of the large pockets inside his lab coat. He gave five to each new Pokemon trainer.

“It would be pretty hard to catch Pokemon without Poke Balls, wouldn’t it?” Professor Oak and the group shared a quick laugh.

Their laugher was followed by an awkward silence accompanied by the sound of wind blowing and rustling the trees.

“Well, I guess we should all be heading out now, right?” Barclay asked Professor Oak, but it sounded like his question was directed towards the entire group.

“Actually Barclay, I would like you to accompany me back to my Pokemon lab.” Barclay questioned Professor Oak’s request with an odd facial expression, but he began to explain before the boy could ask why, “You’re new Poliwag needs to be healed before you set out on your journey. Not only would you be putting your Pokemon in danger if you set out right now and sent it into battle against a wild one, you would be putting yourself in danger as well.”

Barclay looked bummed out that he was going to have a lagging start to his journey behind Red and Blue, but he still couldn’t fight the Professor’s logic.

“Okay Professor, I’ll go back.” The boys spirits lifted to his normal optimism, “Hey, at least I’ll get a chance to show my family my Pokemon!”

“That’s the spirit,” Professor Oak chuckled before turning to Red and Blue, “as for you two, you may now begin your Pokemon journey. From here on out, you’re going to have to depend on yourself and your Pokemon.” He paused for a moment to look each boy in the eye with his serious gaze before continuing, “I am very proud of the two of you for becoming Pokemon trainers, and I wish you luck on your journey. Take care of yourself and your Pokemon.”

Professor Oak held his hand out for a handshake to Blue and then Red.

“Thank you, grandpa.”

“Thanks a lot, Professor Oak.”

“I shall now bid you adieu.” Professor Oak took one last look at the two new Pokemon trainers, and then to their Pokemon. Then he turned around and signaled Barclay to follow him.

Red and Blue silently watched Professor Oak and Barclay as they made their exit. They kept watching as the two slowly vanished with the view of the trees. Blue broke his gaze and began to fiddle with the buttons on his PokeDex. He knelt down to his Squirtle’s level and held the scanner to it.

“What are you doing, Blue?” Red questioned.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m scanning my Squirtle.” Blue scoffed in a distasteful tone.

Red felt his teeth grit as clenched his fists, having felt insulted. Still, he watched the demonstration in amazement as the PokeDex scanned Blue’s Squirtle. The turtle Pokemon jumped as it wasn’t expecting the bright light that quickly flashed over its body. The PokeDex beeped for a few moments as the screen began to load information. Once it loaded, a robotic voice read Squirtle’s information aloud.

“Squirtle. Water type Pokemon. Moves known: Bubble, Tackle, Withdraw. After birth, this Pokemon’s back swells into a hard shell, which it retreats into whenever it feels threatened. It sprays water from its mouth to defend itself.”

Blue shut the PokeDex and put the device back in his pocket. Red then proceeded to open his and scan Charmander. The bright light flashed over the reptilian Pokemon and his data loaded.

“Charmander. Fire type Pokemon. Moves known: Ember, Scratch, Growl. The fire that burns atop its tail from birth is an indication of its health. It burns brightly if it is healthy, and it would die if this fire was put out.”

“Eeek,” Red gulped at the thought of losing his Charmander, but he quickly shoved the thought from his mind. “Well, this sure is an interesting device, isn’t it?” He asked Blue, who was walking away with his Squirtle. Clearly the boy had lost interest in Red’s affairs and wished to set out in his journey. Red and Charmander ran in his direction, “Hey Blue wait up, where you going?”

Blue stopped and turned around, “I’m going to Viridian City, as I assume you will. Please don’t follow me.” he glared and continued walking before Red could say anything.

“Wait up man,” Red ignored Blue’s rudeness and grabbed his shoulder to gain his attention, “do you wanna have a Pokemon battle?”

Blue’s eyes lit up, and he seemed interested in the idea. He examined his Squirtle and then Red’s Charmander before meeting the boy’s inquisitive gaze, “A Pokemon battle sounds like a fair idea. Right here, right now.” Blue crossed his arms.

“Alright!” Red pumped his fist in agreement.

Blue chuckled as he, Red, and their respective Pokemon each paced a few steps away from each other to make room for the battle. Both trainers shot each other a confident look as they prepared for their first ever battle.

“I’m ready, how about you?” Blue asked as his Squirtle made its way onto the battlefield without having to be instructed. It clenched its tiny fists.

“Ready to go, Charmander?” Red looked down at his Pokemon, who jumped up and scratched at the air. A serious look overtook his eyes when he looked up to Red.

“Then let’s do this! Charmander, use Scratch!” Red pointed at the battlefield.

Charmander ran towards Squirtle with his claws raised in the air. When Charmander got close to his opponent, he attempted to strike. Squirtle spun around to dodge its opponent, a moment that seemed like slow motion. Red watched in awe as Charmander kept trying to scratch his opponent who gracefully maneuvered away from his attacks.

“I think it’s time to strike back. Squirtle, use Tackle attack!”

Squirtle nodded. When Charmander attempted one more scratch attack, it appeared as if the last attack was going to hit. This was proved wrong when the turtle Pokemon retreated its head into its shell. Charmander seemed taken back by the turtle Pokemon’s tactics. Squirtle then stuck its neck back out and jumped towards the fire Pokemon head first. The attack made full contact, and Charmander slid a few feet when he hit the ground. He laid before his trainers feet before getting back up.

“Charmander, try another Scratch attack!”

“Squirtle, use another Tackle!”

Both Pokemon obeyed their trainers and ran for each other at full speed. Charmander raised its claws in the air as his opponent dived towards him with another full body tackle. The reptilian Pokemon was too late on the draw, as Squirtle made contact before his claws could. The water Pokemon stood confidently as the fire type got back up again with an enraged look in his eyes.

“Charmander, use an Ember attack!”

Red’s command was said so fast, it was barely comprehendible. Charmander opened his mouth and released many small balls of fire. The straightforward attack even caught Blue by surprise who watched as his Pokemon helplessly held its ground against the fire attack.

“Squirtle, try a Bubble attack!”

“Keep up that Ember Charmander, we got this!” Red smiled and pumped his fist.

Squirtle attempted to attack, but Charmander’s fury of fire balls gave it no window. Blue grinded his teeth as he attempted to figure out a way out of this situation.

“Squirtle, use Withdraw!”

Squirtle retreated all of its limbs into its shell. Blue sighed in relief as the fire Pokemon ceased its attack now that Squirtle was protected inside its hard shell. A small yet confident smile spread across Blue’s face as he awaited Red’s next command.

“Alright Charmander, try another Scratch attack!”

“I was hoping for this,” Blue chuckled, “Squirtle, use a Bubble attack!”

Charmander charged for his opponent once more. When he neared his opponent and readied himself to strike, Squirtle popped its head out of its shell and released a cluster of clear blue bubbles from its mouth. Charmander ran into every single bubble, stopping him in his tracks. He stood weakened as the super effective move had clearly taken its toll. Squirtle came out of its shell once more and awaited further command.

“Alright, it’s time to wrap this up,” Blue confidently flipped his hair, “Squirtle, use a Tackle attack!”

“Charmander, try to fight back!”

A very worried look came over Red’s face as Squirtle ran towards its opponent full speed. He watched in horror as the water Pokemon rammed Charmander head first. Blue victoriously watched with a confident smile spread across his face as the fire opponent slid on the ground, defeated. Squirtle came back to his side, and they were both smiling with a confident look in their eyes. Red rushed towards his defeated Pokemon, “Charmander!”

Red knelt down and held his Pokemon in his arms. Charmander barely opened his eyes and looked up to his trainer, who was smiling, by surprise. However, his eyes still held a sad look with the loss of his first ever Pokemon match. Red then looked up to the victorious trainer, “Hey, that was a good battle!”

“Heh, keep telling yourself that, loser.” Blue sneered as he closed his eyes, turned his head and placed his hands on his hips. The overconfidence had overtaken not only him, but his Squirtle as well, who winked and stuck its tongue out.

“Hey, you don’t have to be rude about it!” Red yelled as he gave Blue a strong, angry glare. He began to grind his teeth.

“Ha ha, whatever. I don’t have time for the likes of you.”

Blue and Squirtle walked away laughing before Red could give another angry reply. He clenched his fist as his rival slowly left his view. The angry look in his eyes changed when he redirected his attention towards the defeated Charmander that laid in his arms. He worriedly gazed down at his Pokemon with his eyes glistening. Charmander met his trainers gaze, but his eyes were barely open and looked weak. There were marks all over his body from when he slid on the ground.

“Are you okay, Charmander?”

Red’s voice was weak and shaky.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #9    
Old July 5th, 2011, 02:49 PM
Etoire's Avatar
Etoire
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Gender: Male
Oh, no, I'm not a good writer. Occasionally I dabble in some role playing, story writing of sorts, but I'm not good enough to write my own stories. I just catch onto some small things that could be changed, nothing to be thankful for. Thank you, though!

I enjoyed the battle scene, the detail was really good! I could picture every move as it occurred! Your writing improved a lot too, at worst a minor typo here or there. I really liked the latest chapter!
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The Silph Co. Chronicles (Finished)
Character: Raymond Li
Pokemon: Sulli the Absol
Etoire the Gyarados
Jin the Scizor
Sol the Electivire
Aggron the Aggron
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  #10    
Old July 5th, 2011, 03:24 PM
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Lashh
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
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Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
Oh, no, I'm not a good writer. Occasionally I dabble in some role playing, story writing of sorts, but I'm not good enough to write my own stories. I just catch onto some small things that could be changed, nothing to be thankful for. Thank you, though!

I enjoyed the battle scene, the detail was really good! I could picture every move as it occurred! Your writing improved a lot too, at worst a minor typo here or there. I really liked the latest chapter!
Thanks man, battle scenes are my favorite to write. And thanks, I try to improve with each new chapter. Anyways, I'm really glad you like my story, haha.

Ahh, I remember roleplaying. That's actually how I started off in the creative discussions here at PokeCommunity (like 3 years ago on my old account, lol). But then I went into fanfiction. Roleplaying was pretty fun, however, you can pick up on a lot of useful tidbits for your writing and creativity in that category.
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Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #11    
Old July 6th, 2011, 07:03 AM
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Etoire
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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It's interesting seeing everyone's writing style in a role play. some people write gigantic posts, others have lackluster ones that may or may not improve over time. I patiently await your next chapter (Don't rush, the wait makes it all that much better, haha.)
__________________
The Silph Co. Chronicles (Finished)
Character: Raymond Li
Pokemon: Sulli the Absol
Etoire the Gyarados
Jin the Scizor
Sol the Electivire
Aggron the Aggron
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  #12    
Old July 6th, 2011, 12:29 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
It's interesting seeing everyone's writing style in a role play. some people write gigantic posts, others have lackluster ones that may or may not improve over time. I patiently await your next chapter (Don't rush, the wait makes it all that much better, haha.)
Yep, but the grand thing about it is that everyone gets better with time if they're really into it.

The wait is actually pretty darn anticipating, right? Haha I remember waiting impatiently for my favorite fic writers to release another chapter. I only release a chapter when I'm done writing one. Depending on how my day goes, I might release the next chapter either today or tomorrow.

But here is just a teaser for you- I've written up to chapter 6, and about to start writing the 7th one. Hope that makes the wait for the next one funner, lol :P
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http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #13    
Old July 6th, 2011, 07:16 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Chapter 4

Red had just been defeated by Blue in his first ever Pokemon match. His Charmander, which he held in his arms, was too weak to walk on its own due to its battle injuries. Red walked through the shade of the trees in the direction that led back to the main path, seeing as he can’t go any further due to this defeat halting his process. As he stared down into the Charmander’s weakly opened eyes, he found himself in thought about his crushing defeat at the hands of Blue and Squirtle. The thought was visibly distasteful, due to the facial expression he presented.

“Man, what kind of trainer loses his first battle..” He looked to the ground in front of him as he sighed, “Maybe I’m not cut out for this…”

Red stopped, knelt down to the ground, and released Charmander from his hold. The reptilian Pokemon was barely able to stand on its own, which Red took note off. He took a Poke Ball out of his pocket, and then a transparent, red beam of energy shot out towards Charmander. The energy engulfed the fire Pokemon’s entire body, which then disappeared into the Poke Ball. The ball then reverted back to its normal, compressed size and Red put it back in his pocket, “Take a nice rest.” he said before continuing down his path.

It wasn’t long before Red recognized the area where he strayed away from the main path. He continued to walk with the look of disappointment present in his eyes. He wasn’t directing any of these emotions towards his Charmander, as he knew the loss was not the Pokemon’s fault. He was blaming himself, and he felt weaker and weaker each time the thought crossed his mind. He stopped when he saw a rock a few feet in front of him, which he proceeded to pick up. Possible a method to try and take this loss off his mind, he threw the rock out into the tall, open grass. However, a Pokemon shrieked when the rock got lost in the grass.

Red, concerned, approached where he heard the Pokemon. He then stopped when a wild Pidgey flew into the air and flapped its wings before him with a bump on its head, tears in its eyes, and an angry look on its face. Red began to attempt his apology, but the wild bird Pokemon loudly called out its name twice in a few directions. Then, multiple Pidgey rose from the tree where its nest is located. A scared look overtook Red’s eyes as a rush of adrenaline entered his body. He began running, and the bird Pokemon gave chase.

<Good thing Charmander is safe in the ball.> He thought as he ran towards the place where he entered Route 1.

It was a good chase the Pidgey gave him, but he managed to get away from all of them by the time he got into Pallet Town. When he realized they were gone, he stopped and panted for a couple minutes. When he caught his breath, he put his hands into his pockets and began walking down one of the dirt paths that led to the citizens houses. After walking down this road for a few moments, he noticed someone walking his way, a brown haired girl. He recognized and acknowledged her.

“Hey, aren’t you Green, from class?”

Green stopped when Red spoke to her. Red was clearly not thinking about his lost Pokemon battle anymore, as he was too busy checking out the girl in front of him. Green wore a thin, black dress that fit her slim figure perfectly, much to Red’s liking. The dress’ short length coupled with the small heels on her black shoes made her look just a little bit taller than she really was. However, this wasn’t the main thing that caught the boy’s attention. Red stared into her innocently glazing blue eyes as she spoke, “Why yes, I am.” she smiled while she asked, “And you’re Red, one of the three graduating trainers, right?”

“Yep, that’s me.” Red said with half a smile as the thought of his loss reentered his thoughts.

“Oh, splendid!” She squealed, “So you must be ready for your journey? But why does it look like you’re heading back from Route 1?” she questioned.

It pained Red now that he had to explain what just happened, but still he began to spill.

“Ugh, long story. You see, Professor Oak, his grandson Blue, Barclay and I were all somewhere on Route 1 somewhere to watch the Professor catch a Pokemon for Barclay, because the starter Pokemon he wanted got stolen.” A small yet devilish smile appeared on Green’s face as Red mentioned the part about the stolen Pokemon. But she dissipated the smile and kept nodding her head rather than raise Red any suspicion as the boy continued, “Then I challenged Blue to a Pokemon battle after that.”

“Oh, how did it go?” Green asked, as she was clearly steering the subject away from the stolen Pokemon.

“I lost..” Red grinded his teeth, clenched his fists and looked at the ground with mixed emotions.

“Oh…” Green looked surprised, “So what are you gonna do?”

“Stay home for another night, I guess.” He pulled Charmander’s Poke Ball out of his pocket, “I really don’t have another choice, I need to heal Charmander.”

“Oh, well that makes sense…”

A moment of awkward silence followed Green’s question before Red spoke up with a question, “So where are you going?” He looked at Route 1 and then back to her, “It looks like you’re going there, but you don’t have any Pokemon. Will you be safe?”

“Well, uh, I have a Pokemon.” Green nervously said as a questioning look overtook Red’s face. She continued when an idea quickly popped into her head, “My daddy gave me a Pokemon since I didn’t graduate, so I can go out on a journey anyways.” She giggled after she told her little lie as she thought, <Darn, that was close. I just hope he believes me.>.

“Oh, well that’s cool, I guess.” Red adjusted his hat.

“Besides,” Green began to tease, “why you so concerned about my safety, huh?”. Green winked, smiled and poked the tip of Red’s nose, who was blush was a deeper hue of red than his jacket.

“Well, uh, no reason.” Red nervously said.

“Ha ha, right.” Green laughed, “Well, I guess I’ll see you later, then.” she smiled and giggled.

“Alright, see ya later Green.” Red smiled back.

The girl waved goodbye to Red as they both walked in the opposite direction. When the girl was out of his site, he returned his view to the houses. It was nice for him to escape the thought of his crushing loss for a few moments before he began thinking about it again. He sighed with the thought. It took him nearly 15 minutes to reach the dirt road his house was located on. He sighed as he approached the door, disappointed that he had to come back. He knocked on the door, and his mom answered with a surprised look on her face.

“Red, what are you doing back, honey?”

“I’ll explain inside the house…”

Red removed his jacket, hung it over the chair and proceeded to sit down at the table with his mother. Red removed his hat as he explained everything that had occurred. He appeared to have a sliver of optimism when he explained Professor Oak’s battle and Poliwag’s capture, but his moods turned gloomy as he explained his battle with Blue. He didn’t leave out a single detail, he knew there was no use in sugar coating the sour event.

“Oh, that sounds awful…” She placed her hand on his hand, “Is your Charmander okay?”

Red grabbed the Poke Ball out of his pocket and showed it to her, “Well, he’s actually pretty hurt from the match. I’m going to have to stay here another extra night and set out tomorrow.”

Red’s mom seemed slightly delighted that she got to spend one more day with her son. She immediately tried to lift his spirits, “Well, why don’t you let Charmander out in the backyard for some rest while I make you some lunch?”

“That sounds like a good idea, but I’m not hung---” The grumbling of his stomach interrupted his sentence and he shared a quick laugh with his mother, “I guess I’ll have some lunch.”

Scarlet rose from her seat and smiled as she entered the kitchen to whip up a meal. Red looked at the Poke Ball in his hand as he walked down the main hallway where his and Scarlet’s rooms were located. The door to their backyard was at the very end of the hallway. A large tree that towered over his backyard was the first thing that came into his view as he exited the house. The tree loomed over much of the backyard, giving off some decent shade. Red then released Charmander from his Poke Ball.

“Alright Charmander, we’re resting up here for awhile.” Red explained as the tired reptilian Pokemon looked up to him, “And if you want, you can have a vegetable from my moms garden,” he pointed to the garden that stretched across the side of the house and into the backyard, “just don’t eat everything.”

Charmander nodded in agreement and then looked up to the tree behind it. It walked towards the base of the tree and saw apples hanging from the branches. He pointed his little claw up to them and looked at his trainer, who proceeded to pick one. The fire Pokemon seemed happy as he sat down against the tree. Red smiled and headed back into his house. The smell of hamburgers entered his nostrils as he approached the kitchen. He sat at the table to wait for his food.

While the boy seemed relaxed now that he was in his house and Charmander was safe, he still couldn’t shake the awful feelings he had over his loss. He blankly stared at the table and sighed as he rested his head in his hand. Minutes later, Scarlet approached the table with one steaming plate in each hand. She took note of the gloomy look in his eyes as she placed the food in front of him, “You alright, kiddo?”

“Yeah, it’s just that…” He sighed, “What kind of trainer loses his first Pokemon battle? I mean, maybe I’m just not cut out for this stuff… I don’t know, I just feel weak.”

His mothers fists immediately clenched as her son self-depreciated himself. She slammed her hand on the table, “Red, quit talking about yourself like that. It was just one loss, you’ll have plenty more battles. Come on, don’t let this one loss derail you from being a great Pokemon trainer.” She spoke strongly.

Scarlet’s words of support seemed to get through quite easily to Red, whose eyes immediately lit upon his mothers encouragement. He smiled as his doubt was now erased, “Thanks mom, I really appreciate that.”

His mother smiled and tousled his hair real quick, “Any time, kiddo.” she smiled and winked before walking back into the kitchen.

Red carried out his day as he normally would after he ate his burger and fries, by watching TV on the couch while his mother buried herself in a book. Hours flew by as the boy watched the television set in amazement, which was showing a marathon of Pokemon League battles. With each battle that passed by, thoughts of the battles he would one day take place in filled his mind. Then, a very important figure to the Kanto region appeared on the television. A spiky, red haired man with a cape draped over his body made his way onto the battle field. Red immediately recognized this man as Lance, the Dragon Master. He gleamed as the master Pokemon trainer gracefully commanded his Pokemon. He wished he was right there to see it with his own eyes.

“Isn’t that Lance, the champion of the Elite 4?” Scarlet rose her head from the book.

“Yeah! He’s the strongest trainer out there,” Red was bursting with enthusiasm, “and one day I wanna be just as strong as him!”

Red’s confidence was totally rejuvenated from the dim spirits he was in earlier over his loss. Scarlet took note of his as he clenched his fists and watched Lance’s battle in awe. She gleamed, closed her book, and gave her full attention to the television set.

Later

It was late at night now, and everyone in the house was ready for bed. After Red retrieved Charmander from outside, both the Pokemon and his trainer were laying down comfortably in his room. They appeared to be sleeping like babies on their soft pillows. Red’s mother smiled and gave a silent chuckle when she checked up on her son. Red opened his eye as lightly as he could and waited for his mother to close the door.

When she did, he waited for a couple minutes to make sure she had gone to bed. When he realized he was in the clear, he rose from his bed and didn’t appear tired at all. A determined look was in his eyes as he stared out his window towards Route 1. He then proceeded to get dressed in his journey attire, red jacket and all. He slung his back over his shoulders then woke up Charmander, “Hey, we’re going now. Be very quiet.” his voice was barely audible, and he emphasized the word quiet.

Red opened the window in his room as quietly as he could. He then picked up Charmander and lifted him over the window ledge. He then jumped over himself and closed the window. Now that he was outside the house, he and Charmander left on the dirt path that led to Route 1. He seemed more confident than ever, he looked tall when he walked. He lifted his head up to see the moon brightly shining over the forest of Route 1 in the horizon.

The moon reflected in Red and Charmander’s eyes as they walked with serious look on their faces and a determined look in their eyes.
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  #14    
Old July 6th, 2011, 07:58 PM
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Astinus
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Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash <3 I decided to review your story, but I only have the brain energy for the prologue.

At least you're devoting more time to the characters' home life than just rushing them out the door with Pokemon in hand. I'll keep the more plot/character-related comments for now, since that's the start of the fic. I'll see where everything goes.

There are quite a few typos all over your prologue, though. For example, you seem to always miss putting the apostrophe in possessive words. If you read through your prologue, you'll see all the possessive words that you typoed, since they're just plurals now.

Another big grammar thing that I noticed concerns dialogue. I'll show what I mean with an example.

Quote:
“Son,” the brunette woman looked down to her boy, “have you given any thought to what Pokemon you’re going to start out with?”
Here, the comma after "son" should be a full stop. The dialogue is followed with a different sentence that doesn't explain how the speech was spoken, so the two are not connected. Same with the comma after "boy." That should be a full stop.

But, if you instead had:

Quote:
“Son,” the brunette woman said to her boy, “have you given any thought to what Pokemon you’re going to start out with?”
Then the commas would remain because "said" is a dialogue tag, so it gets attached to the dialogue with commas.

Same thing here:

Quote:
“What is it, mom?” He asked with a head-tilt.
"He" would start with a lower-case letter because "asked" is a dialogue tag, even though you keep the question mark. If you had "'What is it, Mom?' His head tilted to the side" then that would be how it looked.

By the way, you capitalize "Mom" or "Grandpa" or "Professor" if you're using the title in place of the character's name. The other times it's written in lower-case.

I think that was all that I noticed for sure. If you just keep these little grammar things in mind while writing or proof-reading, you'll be fine.

Hope this helps!

-

Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
Charmander is technically owned by Red, so "its trainer" should be possessive, I.E. It's.
Actually, Lash was correct there. "Its" is the possessive form of the word. "It's" is the contraction for "it is." Just pointing that out to help you and him.
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Old July 6th, 2011, 10:48 PM
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Lashh
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Thanks for your review Astinus, I'll have to look over some of my upcoming chapters for those errors you mentioned when I'm proofreading. I'll probably have to brush up a bit too on some grammar rules, I been out of school longer than I thought haha XD

It would probably help if I had a beta reader, but the thread took too long and TK never got back to me with some reviews, lol. Like honestly, how often do beta readers come around? It doesn't seem like often, haha. I suck at patience.

Quote:
At least you're devoting more time to the characters' home life than just rushing them out the door with Pokemon in hand.
Yeah, that's just one of the things included in some of the aspects I'm trying to bring to the Original Trainer genre.
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http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!

Last edited by Lashh; July 6th, 2011 at 10:54 PM.
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  #16    
Old July 7th, 2011, 06:47 AM
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Etoire
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Quote:
But here is just a teaser for you- I've written up to chapter 6, and about to start writing the 7th one. Hope that makes the wait for the next one funner, lol
Haha, thanks! I found it interesting how Green didn't really feel guilt from Red's questioning, perhaps you can include some of that in future chapters? Such as some introspection on what she'd done, almost ruining Barclay's chance, etc. Then Barclay finding out but forgiving her, sort of thing in another, say, twenty or so chapters. hahaha =P Just a little suggestion.
Quote:
Actually, Lash was correct there. "Its" is the possessive form of the word. "It's" is the contraction for "it is." Just pointing that out to help you and him.
Whoa, guess I was wrong there. My bad >.< Hooray for the new update, in anycase. In a bit of a rush at the moment, I'll look over any grammar errors and (try) to fix them later in an edit.

Edit:
Quote:
Red walked through the shade of the trees in the direction that led back to the main path, unable to proceed in the forest since he had no pokemon after his loss. As he stared down into his Charmander’s weakly opened eyes, he found himself lost in thought about his crushing defeat at the hands of Blue and his Squirtle. His sorrow and rage was obvious, as his face showed an expression that did nothing to hide his feelings.
I changed some things/ added words to make this flow smoother. It's in bold, you can add it if you feel that it sounds better! =D
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Last edited by Etoire; July 7th, 2011 at 09:34 AM.
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  #17    
Old July 7th, 2011, 03:35 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Red walked through the shade of the trees in the direction that led back to the main path, unable to proceed in the forest since he had no pokemon after his loss. As he stared down into his Charmander’s weakly opened eyes, he found himself lost in thought about his crushing defeat at the hands of Blue and his Squirtle. His sorrow and rage was obvious, as his face showed an expression that did nothing to hide his feelings.
That honestly sounds a lot better haha. While I do appreciate the contribution, I honestly might not use it because they're not my words. It's probably cause I'm a musician, but I don't like using creativity if it isn't my own.

But dude you should totally try your hands at writing, if you can add that to my story, you might be surprised at what emerges if you try your own story.
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  #18    
Old July 13th, 2011, 02:56 PM
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Lashh
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Age: 21
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Thought I'd release a chapter in the midst of all the writing I've been doing lately.

Chapter 5

Red lurked through the tall grass of Route 1 in the dead of night. The moon light that peeked over the tall trees was his main light source, but the trainer could still barely see the path in front of him. He and Charmander then stopped walking for a moment so the trainer could think, <Maybe this was a bad idea, it’s hard to see…>. After he thought that, the sound of a Pokemon rustling through the bushes caught his and Charmander’s attention. Like he had done before, Charmander let his curiosity get the better of him, and ran off.

“Darn it, again Charmander?”

Red gave chase to the speedy fire Pokemon. Since Charmander’s hearing is much more acute than his trainer’s, he was able to follow the sound of the Pokemon running away from him with ease. Their chase took a few good twists and turns, and they were far off the main path by now. The chase came to a halt when Charmander was no longer able to track the Pokemon he heard. Then, Red spoke to his Pokemon with a half calm, half serious tone in his voice, “Charmander, you need to stop running off like that.”

“Char, charr…” The orange Pokemon’s cheeks flushed a bright red as he nervously scratched the back of his head.

Res sighed and pet the top of Charmander’s head before looking around at his surroundings, “Now we’re lost… I guess we just have to keep going.”

The trainer and his Charmander continued walking in whatever direction they were facing. Time seemed to slowly drag on as he walked through the forest of Route 1. Red’s endless view of trees never changed, so he could have been walking in circles without knowing it. The fact that the moons light barely peeked through the thick mass of trees and branches was another contributor to his aimless wandering. The flame on Charmander’s tail barely cut through the darkness. When Red reached an area he thought looked familiar, he and his Pokemon stopped in their tracks.

“Charmander, we’re really lost now. I think we should just stay right here till the sun comes up.” Red knelt down to his Pokemon’s eye level, “Sound like a plan?”

“Charmander, char char!”

The fire Pokemon seemed excited in his reply. The Pokemon seemed to love spending time outside of that Poke Ball, something Red took note of. The Pokemon laid down and curled up in a ball as his trainer sat his back up against a tree. Suddenly, he found himself wishing he would have waited till the sun came up to venture out on his journey. As he and Charmander ignored the eventual sounds of Pokemon rustling in the bushes and grass around them, the trainer looked up to see what stars he could see past the trees.

<Man, I bet Blue is already in Viridian City, all cozy…> Red thought of his rival in an ill tone.

It felt like at least an hour had passed when Red caught himself beginning to tire. He yawned and took his backpack off. When he opened the main pocket and proceeded to grab his spare pillow, the sound of a familiar voice caught his ears.

“Reddd…. Come herrreee… lets battle againnn…”

The creepily familiar voice lightly echoed through the forest in an eerie tone. Red immediately recognized this voice as Blue’s, even though there was something... off. He quickly put his backpack on and angrily yelled out, “Where are you Blue? I’m ready for a rematch!” His yelling woke up his Charmander, who sprang up.

“I’mm ovveerrr heereee…” The slow, creepy tone of voice continued.

Red and Charmander proceeded to blindly chase the sound of the voice. It only made sense, as both the trainer and his Pokemon each wanted another shot to take Blue down. He stopped once he reached the spot he thought the voice was coming from, only to see nothing when he looked around. He angrily jammed his fists back into his pockets and yelled out, “Coward!”. He then turned around, but a shiver went up his spine when he did so. The first thing he saw when he turned around was a Pokemon, but it was unlike any other he had seen.

The Pokemon that floated before him was a deep black gaseous orb with a light purple smog of gas emitting from its body. The Pokemon was staring right at the trainer with its large eyes. “Gastly!” The Pokemon exclaimed. Red and Charmander yelled in fear and turned around, only to see something else that sent that shiver further up their spines. This Pokemon was much larger than the preceding Gastly, included with spikes protruding at the side of its head and sharp, purple teeth in its mouth. Two disembodied hands floated in front of it as it said its name, “Haunter!”

Red and Charmander were officially scared now, and took off as fast as they could. Whenever they looked back, they saw the two ghost Pokemon right behind them. Drops of sweat formed and slid down Charmander’s face as both him and Red sprinted as fast as they could. “Just keep running, don’t look back at them!” Red yelled. It seemed like forever before the two noticed that Gastly and Haunter were no longer pursuing them. He and Charmander sat down for a rest.

“Man, that sure was scary, wasn’t it Charmander?”

Charmander nodded in agreement. Red pulled his backpack off from over his shoulders, opened it and grabbed one of the water bottles his mother had packed before he left on his journey. He twisted the cap open, took a drink, and then handed it to Charmander. When the two were done resting, the reptilian Pokemon tugged on his trainers pant leg and pointed towards where he thought the exit might be. He growled his name a couple of times in hopes that his trainer was going to understand what he was implying.

“Are you saying that we should keep going?” Red caught on, and Charmander nodded. “Good idea, it’s probably not safe to stay in one spot.”

Red looked around his surroundings before he and his Pokemon continued their seemingly endless walk. Something caught the Pokemon trainers eye as he walked along. He signaled Charmander to stop and follow him. Red slowly crept through a bush and past a few trees to see what had caught his attention. <Is that a Pokemon?> He thought to himself as he approached the spot.

Indeed, what had caught his eye was in fact a Pokemon. However, much to his amazement, there was more than one. Red counted 7 small purple and blue colored Pokemon, all asleep and curled up in a ball. Six of these purple and blue Pokemon appeared to be coupled together, sleeping close to one another, with only one blue Pokemon being singled out. When Red attempted to get closer to these Pokemon, he stepped on a branch and broke it.

“Nido! Nidoran, Nido!”

The groups of male and female Nidoran all woke up startled and began to run away. The ones coupled together managed to get away the fastest, with only the one blue female Nidoran being the one to stay behind. She was clueless to what was going on, until she saw Red. Instead of running away like her fellow Nidoran had, an angry look entered her eyes as she lowered herself on all fours. Red looked as if he was frozen when the female Pokemon pounced at him, mouth agape in awe.

“Uhhh…” Red seemed scared and worried for his own safety before he shouted, “Charmander, attack!” with his eyes closed.

Charmander advanced for his opponent with his claws raised in the air. This was his chance to prove himself after his loss to Blue’s Squirtle, so he knew he absolutely could not lose. Charmander’s claws scratched the female Nidoran across her face before she was able to complete her attack. She got knocked back and slid on the ground before getting back up. Instead of choosing another offensive attack, she opened her mouth and released a Poison Sting attack. Multiple dark purple darts shot at Charmander.

“Charmander, counter that with an Ember attack!” Red commanded.

Red could only watch as his Charmander released many bolts of fire to counter Nidoran’s Poison Sting. The attacks collided and exploded upon impact, so neither was able to get past the other. The collision of the differently typed attacks cause a small cloud of smoke to appear. Before Red could even command another attack, the female Nidoran charged for Charmander at a high speed. Both the fire Pokemon and his trainer seemed surprised by the speedy poison type Pokemon, but Charmander held his ground. When she attempted another Scratch attack, Charmander caught her and brought her down to the ground.

“Alright Charmander, use Scratch attack!”

Charmander proceeded to carry out his trainers command. When Nidoran attempted to get back up, Charmander prevented her with a series of Scratch attacks. The female Pokemon squealed in pain from the fire types relentless attack. His attack ended when he knocked her against a tree. Nidoran was weak now, and she was barely able to stand when she got back up. Charmander awaited for further command.

“Alright, it’s time to do this,” Red got one of the empty Poke Ball’s out of his pocket, “it’s time to catch my first Pokemon!” his voice flowed with excitement. Red pressed the compressor button in the middle of the ball and then threw it towards the weakened Nidoran. “Go, Poke Ball!”

Nidoran was really caught by surprise when she noticed the Poke Ball flying right for her. She didn’t even have time to even attempt to evade before the containment device hit her. Red watched in amazement as the female Nidoran was converted into a form of energy and vacuumed into the empty Poke Ball. He approached the ball as it moved back and forth, back and forth. This was truly an anticipating moment for the boy, who nervously watched with his Charmander. Back and forth the Poke Ball went before finally, it stopped.

“I can’t believe it!” Red excitedly exclaimed as he picked up the Poke Ball and held it up in the air. “I caught a Pokemon!” A huge rush of adrenaline surged through his body. Charmander jumped for joy while his trainer celebrated their first capture. Red gleamed as he stared at the Poke Ball. “Good job, Charmander.” He patted the Pokemon on the back.

Unbeknownst to the two, the ghost Pokemon that had pursued them earlier had found Red and Charmander during their celebratory moment. The two ghost Pokemon lurked inside the bushes behind them, their gazing eyes locked on the two. Red’s celebration was cut short when these two Pokemon made their appearance in front of him, only this time they didn’t sneak up on him. Instead of being sent into a shock of fear like he had the last time, Red greeted the ghost Pokemon with confidence, “Back for a battle, hey?”

Charmander moved in front of Red, “Charmander, char!”

Gastly and Haunter both laughed and stuck their tongues out. Haunter then moved one of its disembodied hands up, and Gastly charged for Charmander at full speed. The battle was on. The reptilian Pokemon charged for the Pokemon with its claws. The fire type seemed confident that his attack was going to make contact, but he wound up charging right through the ghost Pokemon. This confused Charmander and shocked Red. Before the trainer could issue another command, Gastly zapped Charmander with a light purple beam.

“Charmander!” Red yelled.

Charmander was dizzy when he stood back up, but he regained his ground and turned around to face the ghost Pokemon.

<It doesn’t look like I can use Scratch, it will just go right through…> Red thought as Gastly charged for Charmander. <I know!> Red snapped his fingers. “Charmander, use an Ember attack, full power!”

Gastly’s large tongue hung out of its mouth as it prepared for a paralyzing lick attack. Charmander took this window of opportunity to fire a fury of fire pellets from its mouth. Haunter watched in awe as the fire attack made full contact with its underling. Gastly fell to the ground, burnt and defeated. Charmander triumphantly stood over his opponent.

“Haunter, haunt!” Haunter sounded like it was shouting an order.

A surprised look overtook Red’s face as he watched the defeated Gastly disappear before his very eyes. Haunter then slowly approached Charmander with an angry look on its face. Charmander panted as he glared at his opponent.

<Darn it, Charmander is already tired from the battles he’s already been in tonight.. Maybe this will work…> Red grabbed a Poke Ball out of his pocket, “Charmander, return!”

A red beam of light shot towards the fire Pokemon. Charmander then returned inside the Poke Ball just as Haunter was about to strike him with one of its glowing, disembodied hands. The ghost Pokemon glared at Red who then pulled a different Poke Ball out of his pocket, “Nidoran, I choose you!”

Nidoran materialized in front of Red, but it already appeared to be tired and weak from it’s battle again Charmander earlier. Still, she stood confidently against Haunter. Red opened up his PokeDex to scan Nidoran for her moves, which were Scratch, Poison Sting, and Growl. <Darn it, Scratch won’t work!> Haunter flew towards its opponent, “Nidoran, dodge and try a Poison Sting attack!” The trainer commanded.

The female Nidoran waited for the right moment and dodged Haunter’s attack with perfect speed, although panting. She then took aim at Haunter and fired multiple purple darts of poison. However, the ghost Pokemon dodged with ease and shocked Nidoran with a purple beam of energy. The female Pokemon stood its ground until Haunter flew by her at a high speed, a move she was not expecting that knocked her to the ground. She struggled to stand and look up at the ghost Pokemon floating high in the air. It’s body began to surge with a dark energy as a dark ball of energy began to form in between its hands.

“Oh no!”

Red yelled as he watched in awe, as there was nothing he could do for Nidoran. Just as Haunter was about to fire its attack, it looked up to the sky. Night was giving way to day with the sun peeking over the skyline. Haunter then ceased charging its attack and retreated into the forest before the daylight that quickly cut through the darkness made contact with it. Red was safe now, and he returned Nidoran to her Poke Ball. She deserved a rest. He then proceeded to walk in the direction he thought was supposed to go, but he was happy now that he could see through the forest with ease.

The light reflected his shining eyes as he proceeded forward.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #19    
Old July 21st, 2011, 07:25 AM
Etoire's Avatar
Etoire
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Whoa, it's been a while since I've been back to the story, sorry. It's really great, I liked it, as always!

Also, understandable why you wouldn't want to put someone's words in your story, I get it =D Thanks for the support, but whenever I try to write a story it never goes well. I've written one sort of, if you're interested I can link it. Garbage compared to what you've written, I'm sure. I posted the story onto this forum under a poor name "Etoire and Gaara", hopefully being renamed "The Bonds of Friendship" by a moderator soon.

I'm hoping this isn't a bump, since he's still an active author I'm hoping. I missed out on a few days, and returned to post.
__________________
The Silph Co. Chronicles (Finished)
Character: Raymond Li
Pokemon: Sulli the Absol
Etoire the Gyarados
Jin the Scizor
Sol the Electivire
Aggron the Aggron

Last edited by Etoire; July 21st, 2011 at 10:36 AM.
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  #20    
Old July 22nd, 2011, 11:12 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
Whoa, it's been a while since I've been back to the story, sorry. It's really great, I liked it, as always!

Also, understandable why you wouldn't want to put someone's words in your story, I get it =D Thanks for the support, but whenever I try to write a story it never goes well. I've written one sort of, if you're interested I can link it. Garbage compared to what you've written, I'm sure. I posted the story onto this forum under a poor name "Etoire and Gaara", hopefully being renamed "The Bonds of Friendship" by a moderator soon.

I'm hoping this isn't a bump, since he's still an active author I'm hoping. I missed out on a few days, and returned to post.
Haha yeah don't worry, I'm still active. I've just been waiting to get some chapters done to release some more, and this thread has more coming very soon! Anyways, thanks for still reading my story!
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #21    
Old July 26th, 2011, 11:28 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
The bright, morning sun had risen over the vast, beautiful Kanto region and Red could now see his way through the thick forest of Route 1 that he had been stuck in. He was thankful for the suns rising, as it scared off the powerful Haunter he had encountered earlier. The trainer was walking all alone, as both his Pokemon were tired and sore from battling. Still, he looked at both Poke Balls with pride when he held them in front of his face. Even though he couldn’t see either Pokemon, he knew they were safe and asleep inside their Poke Balls. The rest was well deserved too, for the Charmander who fought so hard and the female Nidoran that was likely to be an excellent addition to Red’s team.

Red finally reached what seemed to be the end of the forest. When he exited the forest, he looked to the east to notice that he wasn’t too far off from the main path. Viridian City came into his view as soon as he looked ahead, and it was a rather large city. From where he was, he could see one major landmark located in the city, being the Indigo Plateau. This is the place where official Pokemon League battles are held. Red’s eyes sparkled as he imagined what it would be like to compete in the Pokemon League. He continued his approach for the city once he awoke from his day dreaming.

He walked alone through the outskirts of Viridian City. Unlike Pallet Town which would normally have some outdoor activity by this time in the morning, Viridian City was empty. Red then decided he may as well do some sight seeing, so he made his way towards the Indigo Plateau. The trainer seemed rather diminutive to the stadium that towered before him, in both size and skill. <One day…> Red thought to himself as he turned away from the stadium. After walking down a few empty streets, he finally found someone who was out on their way to the store.

“Excuse me,” Red captured their attention and he politely asked “do you know where the Pokemon Center is?”

He remembered reading about Pokemon Center’s during his studies at the Pallet Pokemon school. Pokemon Centers are places where a trainer can heal their tired Pokemon after long battles, but are also places where tired trainers can bunk for a night.

“Ah, yes. Just take this street, take a right and then keep going, you’ll eventually be there.” The man pointed in the direction Red’s supposed to go.

Red thanked the man and followed his directions. It wasn’t too long before a large building with a red roof and a large Poke Ball design on the front came into his view. When he got to the doors of the Pokemon center, they automatically opened for him. The inside of the building was air conditioned, much to his liking. He approached the front desk as he looked around. To the side of the building were video-telephones for trainers to contact their loved ones, and on the other side was the lobby for waiting trainers. Bookshelves with magazines were also present in this area. There was no one behind the desk as Red approached it.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” Red asked as he relaxed his arms over the desk.

“Oh, just a minute, please.” A soft, female voice replied.

One of the doors to the backrooms of the Pokemon Center opened. A petite pink haired woman emerged from behind the door in a nurses cap, a pink blouse, white stockings, and pink shoes. Behind her was a large, chubby pink Pokemon with an egg in its belly. <She’s cute.> Red thought in the back of his head as she stood behind the desk.

“Hello, I’m Nurse Joy, and welcome to the Pokemon Center!” The woman greeted Red with a warm smile and a cheery tone. The Chansey behind her exclaimed its name. Nurse Joy continued, “How may I be of service for you today?”

“I would like you to heal my Pokemon, if it’s not a problem.

“Nope, not a problem at all!” The nice woman smiled, “That’s what Pokemon Centers are for! Now if I may please ask for your Pokemon?”

Red nodded and gave her the two Poke Ball’s he previously held in his pockets.

Nurse Joy spoke up with a question, “So, what are you doing out so early, if I may ask?”. She placed the two Poke Balls onto an empty tray and handed it to Chansey, who ran into the back room.

“Oh, I left for my journey after midnight, so I was stuck in Route 1 all night.” Red then proceeded to explain the situation with the Gastly and Haunter, and how he caught the female Nidoran. The woman seemed impressed by his feats.

“Sounds impressive for a first time trainer. But you should stay out of forests at night, those ghost Pokemon can be quite bothersome!”

“You’re telling me, haha.” Red laughed, stretched and yawned.

Nurse Joy took note of the circles under Red’s eyes, “You look like you could use some sleep. Why don’t you take a rest in one of the bunk rooms while your Pokemon heal up?” The woman smiled and placed her hand on his shoulder.

The boy gleamed at her offer, “Really?” He seemed overjoyed that he could finally get some sleep, “Could you please show me to a room, then?”

“No problem at all!”

The kind, pink haired woman led Red behind another one of the doors located at the back of the Pokemon Center. She directed him down to a hallway where there were multiple doors, each with a room behind it. About half of the rooms had a card hung over the doorknob, indicating that they were not vacant. Nurse Joy led the boy to the door at the end of the hallway. Inside there was a bunk bed, a window, a desk, and a small dresser.

“Here is your room, may you enjoy your sleep.” Nurse Joy politely stated, but then a questioned popped into her head as Red walked into the room, “Hey, do you know if you’re registered in the Pokemon League’s system yet?”

Red turned around with a confused look in his glazed eyes, “The Pokemon League system? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he shrugged.

“Oh…” Nurse Joy paused, “Well, how about we register you when you wake up?” She smiled.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Red nodded.

Nurse Joy closed the door behind her and left Red to fall asleep. The boy closed the blinds in front of the window and then sunk right into the bottom bunk of the bed. It wasn’t long before he was asleep and snoring loudly.

Hours Later

It was well around noon when Red arose from his peaceful slumber. When he awoke, he left the room in only his black shirt, blue pants and socks. He paid no mind to his messy black hair, which was beginning to form with the shape of his hat. He approached one of the green video-phone machines, picked up the phone and dialed a certain number. A static noise was present in the phone as it began to connect with wherever Red was calling. Meanwhile, inside Professor Oak’s Pokemon lab, one of his machines began to buzz. He appeared on Red’s screen as well as vice-versa when he answered.

“Ah, Red! It’s good to hear from you! May I ask where you are calling from?” The Professor was in cheery of a mood as he ever was.

“I’m calling from Viridian City right now.”

Red then proceeded to explain to Professor Oak about everything that had taken place the day and night before, from him and Blue’s battle to the event with the ghost Pokemon.

“Ah, so you lost your first Pokemon battle. No big deal,” The Professor began to explain, “it’s just one loss, and most importantly you learned from it. That is the process of the Pokemon trainer, after all.”

The two chatted for a few more good long minutes before Red ended the conversation so the Professor could get back to all his important research. Red then proceeded to call his mother, who was surprised when she answered his phone call. However, Scarlet wasn’t surprised by Red’s rebellious antic of sneaking out in the dead of night. She was proud of her son for catching his first ever Pokemon. She blew her son a kiss through the video before their phone call ended. Red seemed embarrassed, even though no one had seen.

The trainer then approached the front desk, and he was once more kindly greeted by the smiling Nurse Joy, “Hello! Your Pokemon are all healed up and ready to go!” She said as she handed him the tray with both his Poke Balls on it, “Are you now ready for your registration?”

“Thank you so much for healing them!” Red said as he returned the Poke Balls to his pockets, “And yeah, let’s get this done.”

“If you would please follow me, and let me see your PokeDex if you have one.”

Red handed the woman his PokeDex as he followed her behind one of the doors, “Okay, but why do you need my PokeDex?”

“To save your information on it. It’s easier than having a trainer card, in my opinion.” She giggled and began to examine the PokeDex, “Now if you would please sit behind the camera, we can begin the procedure.”

Red sat in a seat behind a camera that was connected to a computer. An image of his face showed up on the computer as Nurse Joy told him to say cheese. The trainer gave a great smile, and information began to load on the computer. The nurse then proceeded to place his PokeDex in one of the slots on the computer. In an instant, all of Red’s information and data was uploaded to his PokeDex and into the Pokemon League database. Nurse Joy handed the boy back his PokeDex, “Here you go, you can now carry on with your journey.” She smiled.

***

“Come on out, guys!”

As soon as Red exited the Pokemon Center, he threw both Poke Balls in front of him. Charmander and his female Nidoran emerged and were looking much better than they had the night before. Previously, both Pokemon were tired and wounded with bruises and scratches, but now each creature was glowing with health. As Charmander greeted Red, the female Nidoran quietly examined him. There was no doubt in the Pokemon’s mind now that she had been captured from her home in Route 1, but she showed her trainer no reluctance. Instead, she quietly held her curious gaze.

“Alright guys, let’s get going!”

Red walked away from the Pokemon Center with Charmander and Nidoran followed, each at an opposite side. The trainer began to explore the streets of Viridian City, which were now bursting with more activity than he had seen earlier. The doors of the department stores he passed seemed to turn in a never ending cycle of people leaving and entering the store.

Red and his Pokemon continued to walk through the city, and they soon reached a part of town that was sectioned off a little farther than the other buildings in Viridian. This part of the city was a large grass field with a large building in the middle of it. A mass of large trees surrounded the backside of the building. As Red curiously approached the building, a large sign came into his view, which he proceeded to read aloud.

“Viridian City Pokemon Gym - Test Your Strength Here.”

Red then paused for a moment to look at his Pokemon, and then at the gym, “Alright, let’s go! It sounds like there’s a battle waiting in there!” the trainer exclaimed.

Charmander enthusiastically leapt upwards and repeated it’s name a couple times, “Charmanderrr!”

The reptilian Pokemon scratched at the air and then turned to his teammate Nidoran, who seemed less than thrilled. The quiet female Pokemon still seemed to be taking information in as she examined every movement of her trainer and Charmander. Both Pokemon followed Red to the door which he tried, but failed to open. Angrily and impatiently, he began twisting on the door knob while attempting to pull the door open, but still to no avail. An old man who was passing by the gym took note of this and approached the boy, who was unaware of his presence.

“Excuse me young man, this Pokemon Gym is locked, and the leader is out.”

Red turned around to face the gray haired old man, “Ah, are you serious?” he whined.

“Very serious, sadly. Why, were you interested in challenging this Pokemon Gym?”

“Well, of course I was,” Red pointed to both his Pokemon, “we’re pumped and ready for battle.”

The elderly man examined both of Red’s Pokemon with his dreary eyes. He gave a slight chuckle, “You appear to be a new trainer, young man. Take a walk with me, if you would?”

Red looked suspicious at first at the old mans request, but then he decided he would be safe as long as he had his Pokemon with him. <He doesn’t look like he could cause any harm.>, he thought before he proceeded to speak, “Alright, I will.”

Red walked besides the old man as his Pokemon quietly followed behind. They walked in the direction of the city for a few minutes in silence before the elderly man spoke, “So, young man, do you even know what Pokemon Gyms are?”

The trainer put his hand on his chin for a moment as he pondered, “Come to think of it, no. But it sounds like a place for a Pokemon battle to me.”

The old man smiled and chuckled, “You’re right in a sense. You see, Pokemon Gyms are a place for Pokemon battling, but they are also a place for you to test your skill as a Pokemon trainer,” the man explained as Red have him his full attention, “and the goal of this is to defeat the Gym Leader, the strongest trainer in the gym. When you defeat this gym leader, you receive that gyms badge, a merit of honor for accomplishing a victory inside their gym.”

Red nodded his head before his lips motioned with a question, “So is that all you do in these gyms, battle and win badges?”

“Haha well, pretty much. But you see, you need to obtain all 8 badges from the gyms scattered across the Kanto region if you want to gain entrance into the Pokemon League.”

As soon as the elderly man said that, all the pieces fit into place and Red had a new goal in his mind for his journey, which was to dominate the gyms of the Kanto region and prove himself the greatest trainer in all the land. His eyes gleamed as his smile beamed with the thought of entering the Pokemon league, which the elderly man took note of. A small smile spread across the old mans face as he gave a small chuckle for Red’s obvious day dreaming. The trainers moment was cut short when his empty stomach felt weak and grumbled.

“Hungry, lad?”

Red held his stomach as his cheeks blushed, “Uh yeah, I guess I am.” he laughed.

“How about I take you to my little food kiosk? I usually give trainers a free meal. You can’t train Pokemon on an empty stomach, right?” The kind old man laughed.

Red thanked the man as he led the boy to where his food kiosk was located. Once the unattended kiosk came into view, so did three Spearow, who were shoving their beaks full with food. The old man yelled as he ran for the kiosk, but his pace was slow. Then Red sped past the man with his Pokemon in suit, “I’ll help you out! Nidoran, Poison Sting! Charmander, Ember!”

The Pokemon sprang into action without question. Charmander released a fury of fire pellets from his mouth as Nidoran fired multiple darts of poison from hers. One of the three Spearow noticed the incoming attacks and fled the scene. The ember attack whizzed right through the spot where the red winged bird Pokemon once was. While the other two Spearow attempted to flee, one got tagged with Nidoran’s Poison Sting. This gave the bird Pokemon that wasn’t hit an opportunity to escape while its ally fell to the ground, wounded from the attack.

Spearow got back up with an angry look in its eyes. It propelled itself into the air and charged for Red and his Pokemon. The old man watched in awe as the trainer gracefully commanded his Pokemon, “It’s time for battle! Nidoran, use Scratch!”

Charmander fell back as he noticed he wasn’t the one called upon for an attack. He stood next to his trainer as he watched the female Nidoran charge for her opponent. Nidoran jumped towards Spearow with her claws ready to attack. Spearow attempted to jab the female Pokemon with its sharp beak, but the poison Pokemon struck first. Spearow fell to the ground but quickly got back up. Before Red was able to utter another command, the bird Pokemon proceeded to furiously jab Nidoran multiple times with its sharp beak.

“Nidoran!”

Red yelled as his Pokemon slid on the ground. The attack didn’t seem to shake Nidoran’s spirits, however. She got back up as quickly as she could to see Spearow flying towards her for another attack.

“Use a Poison Sting!”

Without fail, Nidoran carried out her trainers command. Spearow attempted to change direction when it saw the poison pins flying for it, but it was too late. The bird Pokemon slammed onto the ground when it landed. Clearly the attack had taken its toll, as the bird Pokemon slowly rose to its wobbly feet. It weakly opened its eyes, only to see the female Nidoran charging for it. There was nothing Spearow could do as the poison Pokemon struck it with her sharp claws.

Red took note of how tired the bird Pokemon was as it hit the ground. He knew it was the right moment as he grabbed an empty Poke Ball out of his pocket and threw it towards the weakened bird Pokemon. Nidoran returned to her masters as he patiently waited to see if he caught Spearow or not, with a beat of sweat dropping down his face. In an instant, the Poke Ball stopped, and Red Spearow now belonged to Red.

“That was impressive!” The old man applauded Red as he approached the ball.

“Thank you, sir!” Red thanked him as he held the Poke Ball and bowed.

Just then, the sound of clapping hands came out of nowhere. Red and the old man curiously turned their heads around in hopes of seeing where this mysterious clapping was coming from. Then, a trainer all to familiar to Red’s eyes made his appearance.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #22    
Old July 28th, 2011, 03:03 AM
bigtukker
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Gender:
A really well written story. I really like the battles in the story. I think they're pretty well balanced.
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  #23    
Old July 29th, 2011, 04:10 AM
Eliminator Jr.'s Avatar
Eliminator Jr.
Gym Leader
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
So far I've only read the prologue, but it's an entertaining story despite resembling the anime/manga/games so closely. I'm interested to read more, especially to see how this deviates from the stock-standard Kanto plot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
A smooth breeze blew through the town so warmly bathed by the slowly sinking summer sun.
The sentence doesn't sound right for one reason or another. Like I can read it and understand what you're trying to portray, but if you look at the way you've structured it it seems strange. It's the equivalent of writing a sentence like this: "the ball bounced off the table so quick-moving as it had been thrown moments earlier". Does the sentence I just wrote seem a little weird-sounding to you? If it doesn't nevermind about this whole thing, but if it does then you see where I'm coming from.

Also, you mentioned the word town in the sentence beforehand. There's nothing wrong with this but your writing usually flows better when you use different words, or omit some of them altogether. In this case, it's implied that the breeze is blowing through the town because you set the location of the paragraph in the previous sentence (the location being Pallet Town), therefore you don't have to include where the breeze is blowing.

Maybe try and restructure this sentence so it reads like: "A gentle breeze blew, bathing the townspeople in the warmth of the slowly sinking summer sun."

Something else which I'm not going to touch on much because by no means am I an expert when it comes to writing: try showing and not telling. At the moment you're doing both. Telling is saying "it is a peaceful day in Pallet Town", whereas showing would be describing aspects of the day which make it peaceful (for example, children are playing, gentle breeze on a summer evening, all that sort of stuff). Telling isn't always bad, but sometimes it can take away from the enjoyment of the story, as readers generally find themselves more immersed in something when they're showed. This is completely irrelevant but just came to my head now: think of it this way - you know the evening news how they have reporters on location to tell a news story and it makes it more interesting than a reporter just sitting a room reading out the script with no background? That's sort of what showing vs. telling is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
The mood was high for the citizens of this peaceful town, as the students attending the Pallet Pokemon School have graduated after a year and a half’s worth of hard work and learning the basics of the creatures known as Pokemon. Now that they have surpassed the basic level of Pokemon education, graduates now have the requirement to begin their own journey through the beautiful land of Kanto, where legends are born.
You've described Pallet Town as a peaceful town twice (and in the first part of the first chapter again). You could always call it a serene place or a tranquil town instead, or even leave out the town and the adjective before it and just say "... for the citizens of Pallet".

Mood isn't something that can be measured, you can be happy or sad or angry but you can't have a high or low mood (as far as I'm aware, anyway). You could write "the level of happiness was high" but it wouldn't really sound that great. Maybe write something along the lines of "the citizens of Pallet could barely contain their excitement", something that makes sense but also sounds natural.

"skills needed" would work better than "requirement" in the above paragraph too, unless you changed the sentence so it reads "graduates have now met the requirements".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
Only three students graduate from the class at a time, the top three pupils. These three individuals passed the tests issued by the town’s Pokemon expert, Professor Oak. With each group of three graduates, the Professor gives one Pokemon to each individual, granting them each a proper head start for their upcoming journey.
Wait, so only three students graduate? What happens to all the other students who don't make it through? Do they have to wait another year and a half? And as its a requirement to graduate from a Pokémon school (according to the paragraph I quoted second) are there some people in the school who are twenty-five or so years old who still haven't graduated? I know none of these questions I've asked seem likely, but you need to explain this in your story. Maybe say "three students graduate every month" or something like that.

Also, I'm sorry but Pallet a town of idiots if Barclay got average scores on Oak's tests and Red's scores were even lower and they both managed to place in the top three of students.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
Professor Oak smiled and paused for a moment as one of the boys, Red, held his hand up with a question that was likely running through all three boys minds.
This should read boys'. When you're talking about something that belongs to someone (for example - "that is Andrew's football") you put an apostrophe between the last letter of the word and the s. Because the word boys finishes with and s, you put the apostrophe after the s.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
“Professor Oak, when are we getting our Pokemon?”

Red asked inquisitively as his curious, brown eyes gazed at Professor Oak.
The second sentence in this quote is related to the speech above, so you can't have a paragraph break. In other words, "Red asked inquisitively..." should come straight after the speech.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
"..... is for you to rest your minds and prepare for the journey ahead.” he added tone to his voice when he mentioned the time.
The sentence is not directly continuing on from the speech, which means that you need a full stop/period at the end of the speech (which you've done) and capitalise the first letter of the following sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lashh View Post
Then, the Professor turned to his grandson. Blue couldn’t have had a more serious look in his green eyes when they made contact with the Professors.
You're talking about the eyes of the Professor here (well, implying it anyway), and since the eyes belong to the Professor that last word should have an apostrophe before the last S.

There are other things in this prologue which need correcting but I don't want you to feel like I'm crucifying you haha (that and I'm incredibly lazy and have already spent more time on this review than I had anticipated) so I'll leave it at that.

Also, I've noticed that quite often there are multiple spaces between words. This is a really nit-picking, I know, but I noticed it seven times in the opening paragraph. I'm not sure if this continues to happen in the following chapters, but a quick read-over of your work makes it seem less sloppy. While you're at it you can double-check spelling and grammar and your story will be instantly better for it.

Mistakes aside, this was an entertaining read (which surprised me from a canon-y fan fic) and that's the most important thing for me when it comes to stories, so I applaud your writing ability in that sense and will continue to check out this series :D
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  #24    
Old July 30th, 2011, 09:52 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliminator Jr. View Post
So far I've only read the prologue, but it's an entertaining story despite resembling the anime/manga/games so closely. I'm interested to read more, especially to see how this deviates from the stock-standard Kanto plot.


The sentence doesn't sound right for one reason or another. Like I can read it and understand what you're trying to portray, but if you look at the way you've structured it it seems strange. It's the equivalent of writing a sentence like this: "the ball bounced off the table so quick-moving as it had been thrown moments earlier". Does the sentence I just wrote seem a little weird-sounding to you? If it doesn't nevermind about this whole thing, but if it does then you see where I'm coming from.

Also, you mentioned the word town in the sentence beforehand. There's nothing wrong with this but your writing usually flows better when you use different words, or omit some of them altogether. In this case, it's implied that the breeze is blowing through the town because you set the location of the paragraph in the previous sentence (the location being Pallet Town), therefore you don't have to include where the breeze is blowing.

Maybe try and restructure this sentence so it reads like: "A gentle breeze blew, bathing the townspeople in the warmth of the slowly sinking summer sun."

Something else which I'm not going to touch on much because by no means am I an expert when it comes to writing: try showing and not telling. At the moment you're doing both. Telling is saying "it is a peaceful day in Pallet Town", whereas showing would be describing aspects of the day which make it peaceful (for example, children are playing, gentle breeze on a summer evening, all that sort of stuff). Telling isn't always bad, but sometimes it can take away from the enjoyment of the story, as readers generally find themselves more immersed in something when they're showed. This is completely irrelevant but just came to my head now: think of it this way - you know the evening news how they have reporters on location to tell a news story and it makes it more interesting than a reporter just sitting a room reading out the script with no background? That's sort of what showing vs. telling is.


You've described Pallet Town as a peaceful town twice (and in the first part of the first chapter again). You could always call it a serene place or a tranquil town instead, or even leave out the town and the adjective before it and just say "... for the citizens of Pallet".

Mood isn't something that can be measured, you can be happy or sad or angry but you can't have a high or low mood (as far as I'm aware, anyway). You could write "the level of happiness was high" but it wouldn't really sound that great. Maybe write something along the lines of "the citizens of Pallet could barely contain their excitement", something that makes sense but also sounds natural.

"skills needed" would work better than "requirement" in the above paragraph too, unless you changed the sentence so it reads "graduates have now met the requirements".


Wait, so only three students graduate? What happens to all the other students who don't make it through? Do they have to wait another year and a half? And as its a requirement to graduate from a Pokémon school (according to the paragraph I quoted second) are there some people in the school who are twenty-five or so years old who still haven't graduated? I know none of these questions I've asked seem likely, but you need to explain this in your story. Maybe say "three students graduate every month" or something like that.

Also, I'm sorry but Pallet a town of idiots if Barclay got average scores on Oak's tests and Red's scores were even lower and they both managed to place in the top three of students.


This should read boys'. When you're talking about something that belongs to someone (for example - "that is Andrew's football") you put an apostrophe between the last letter of the word and the s. Because the word boys finishes with and s, you put the apostrophe after the s.


The second sentence in this quote is related to the speech above, so you can't have a paragraph break. In other words, "Red asked inquisitively..." should come straight after the speech.


The sentence is not directly continuing on from the speech, which means that you need a full stop/period at the end of the speech (which you've done) and capitalise the first letter of the following sentence.


You're talking about the eyes of the Professor here (well, implying it anyway), and since the eyes belong to the Professor that last word should have an apostrophe before the last S.

There are other things in this prologue which need correcting but I don't want you to feel like I'm crucifying you haha (that and I'm incredibly lazy and have already spent more time on this review than I had anticipated) so I'll leave it at that.

Also, I've noticed that quite often there are multiple spaces between words. This is a really nit-picking, I know, but I noticed it seven times in the opening paragraph. I'm not sure if this continues to happen in the following chapters, but a quick read-over of your work makes it seem less sloppy. While you're at it you can double-check spelling and grammar and your story will be instantly better for it.

Mistakes aside, this was an entertaining read (which surprised me from a canon-y fan fic) and that's the most important thing for me when it comes to stories, so I applaud your writing ability in that sense and will continue to check out this series :D
Hey thanks for the review and the crit! I've been working to avoid those little edges you mentioned in later chapters in the story, so I hope you enjoy the rest of them as they come! And about the space thing, I don't know about that cause I usually don't notice something that little when I'm proof reading.

Anyways, thanks again for reading this, and I hope you continue to! I have every intention of making this a loveable Kanto story but deviating it in my own way so it's not predictable. I hope you continue reading, and now I'll go back to writing.

I'll release another chapter during the wait.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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  #25    
Old July 30th, 2011, 09:53 PM
Lashh's Avatar
Lashh
Pokémon Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: AZ
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Blue ceased his clapping as he approached Red with a cocky little smile that matched his serious, green eyes. Red glared at his rival as he approached with the thought of their previous battle running through his mind. Blue gave a slight chuckle, because he could tell what the other trainer was thinking.

“What are you doing here, Blue?” Red said as he and Charmander glared with great intensity.

“I’m just exploring, that’s all.” The tone in Blue’s voice was flat. “So you appeared to capture that Spearow with ease.”

“Oh, yeah,” the trainer said as he looked and pointed to his Nidoran, “she did a very good job.”

A small smile spread across the poison Pokemon’s face upon Red’s acknowledgement of her battle. The trainer then silently looked down to his Poke Ball as the elder man spoke up, “Indeed, that was an impressive capture.”

Before Red could thank the man, he was interrupted by Blue’s nasally, mocking laughter. His anger only seemed to grow with each second he glared at his rival. Charmander clenched his shaking fist. The trainer then held out the Poke Ball, “If you’re gonna laugh, than back it up! Let’s battle again!” Red furiously said.

Blue ceased his laughter, but his devilish, over-confident little smile still remained on his face. He grabbed a Poke Ball out of his pocket and spun it around on his finger, “Fine then, I wouldn’t mind defeating you again,” Blue said as it appeared he was going to drop his Poke Ball as he moved his hand away, but he caught it and held it front of his face, “but not right now, anyways. I’d like to heal my Pokemon before hand, if you wouldn’t mind.” He paused for a moment and captured Red’s gazing glare, “That might not be such a bad idea for you, either.”

As much as Red disliked Blue for his mocking and teasing, he still couldn’t fight his logic of going to the Pokemon Center. The trainer silently muttered, “Right” as he nodded. Both the trainers began to walk in the direction of the Pokemon Center while the old man returned to his food kiosk. Red had completely forgotten about his hunger upon Blue’s arrival, for now he was only hungry for battle.

The two walked in awkward silence through the streets of Viridian City before reaching their destination. The entire time, Red was glaring at his opponent. Blue was aware of his angry stare, but paid no mind, he didn’t care. The automatic doors to the Pokemon Center opened for them, and they approached the front desk. Blue handed Nurse Joy three of his Poke Balls and Red thought, <I wonder what other Pokemon he’s caught.> as he handed the woman Spearow’s Poke Ball. He looked back to Nidoran who was still following his every move. She didn’t appear to have taken on much damage during her battle with Spearow, there was not a scratch on her. Red decided to return her and Charmander to their Poke Balls.

While they waited for their Pokemon to heal, Blue made his way over to the video telephones so he could call his grandfather and his sister, Daisy. Eventually, Red would peek over while Blue chatted with his sister so he could check her out. Blue’s sister was a beautiful girl, with long, flowing brown hair and sparking blue eyes that just made Red melt and wish he could see her in person again. When Blue’s video-phone chat ended, Red quickly turned around in hopes that his rival hadn’t caught his spying eyes.

Red chatted away with a few trainers in the waiting lobby and watched them get called up to the front desk for their Pokemon. Each time a trainers Pokemon was healed, Nurse Joy summoned them via a microphone that echoed through the entire Pokemon Center. It was about half an hour before he heard, “Would trainers Red and Blue please come to the front desk for your Pokemon.” The boys complied and approached the front desk. As they received their Poke Balls, a question ran through Blue’s mind that he proceeded to ask.

“Excuse me Nurse Joy, if you wouldn‘t mind, could you direct us to a battlefield, if there is one located at this facility?” Blue’s voice was kind and calm, a tone Red was unfamiliar with.

“Oh why yes, I wouldn’t mind. Please follow me.”

Red took the opportunity to scan Spearow‘s Poke Ball for data while he and Blue followed Nurse Joy through one of the doors leading to the back of the Pokemon Center. The part of the building she led them through was the section for hospitalized Pokemon. The trainers looked through a window to see many tired and wounded Pokemon hooked up to machines and being cared for by multiple Chansey in nurse hats. Nurse Joy then proceeded to open a door towards the end of the room, which led outside. Behind the Pokemon Center was an official battlefield, with the design of a Poke Ball painted white in the center. There was one box on each side for each trainer.

“Here is where you two will be battling. I will act as judge for the battle, if you two don’t mind.” Nurse Joy kindly said.

“Not at all, miss.” Blue calmly stated.

Blue and Red then proceeded to stand on opposite sides of the battlefield. Red stood on his side with his legs spread apart and his fists clenched in front of him. There was a serious look raging in his eyes as he stared at Blue’s calm, emotionless face. Nurse Joy stood away from the battle field, took a look at both trainers and asked “Are the two of you ready?”

“I’m ready.” Blue nodded.

“You bet!” Red exclaimed.

“Begin!”

Nurse Joy raised both her hands in the air, which was the judges signal for the trainers to release their Pokemon, and they proceeded to do so. Both trainers released a flying type Pokemon from their Poke Balls, with Blue having sent out a Pidgey to face off Red’s newly caught Spearow. It was almost like an instant rivalry formed as soon as both Pokemon laid eyes upon each other.

Red took the honors of the first strike, and commanded Spearow to use a peck attack. Blue waited for the bird Pokemon’s sharp beak to near his Pidgey before he commanded a counterattack. Pidgey proceeded to carry out its trainers order of a quick attack, and it did so gracefully. The tiny bird Pokemon’s body propelled at a high speed and rammed into Spearow head first. The red winged bird Pokemon managed to hold itself in the air after the attack, however.

<Darn it, head on attacks won’t work…> Red thought as he watched Pidgey advanced for Spearow with a tackle attack, “Spearow, use a Fury Attack!”

Spearow yelled and charged for Pidgey once more with its sharp beak. Blue ordered Pidgey to dodge, and a surprised look overcame the trainers face as he watched Spearow attempt to strike his Pokemon, even after each time it dodged. This gave him no room to order an attack. Before he could even think of something to do, Spearow managed to strike Pidgey twice. His tiny bird Pokemon managed to evade further harm after the second blow hit.

“Now it’s our turn! Pidgey, use a Quick attack!”

“Spearow, try another Fury Attack!”

Both flying type Pokemon charged for each other, but Pidgey managed to hit its opponent before it could strike again with its sharp beak. Spearow began to descend to the ground in a spin, but managed to gain balance and catch air before hitting the ground below. The red winged bird angrily advanced for its opponent again with its sharp beak, but this time without command from its trainer.

Red watched with a confused look in his eyes as his Spearow acted on its instincts. “Spearow, straight forward attacks won’t work, it’ll counter!” Red said in his attempt to reason with his Pokemon, but it fell upon deaf ears.

<Heh, it’s losing patience… I can take control form here.> Blue thought before he uttered his command, “Pidgey, use your Gust Attack!”

Pidgey began to flap its wings at a very high speed, creating strong forces of wind aimed towards the advancing Spearow. The determined Pokemon fought as hard as it could against the strong currents of wind before being overtaken. Red watched as his Spearow quickly spiraled to the ground. Red commanded his Pokemon to recover from the attack, but the gusts of wind were too powerful, and it slammed on the ground. Pidgey ceased its attack as a dust cloud surrounded the area where Spearow landed. The dust cleared, and Spearow was laying immobile on the ground.

“Spearow is unable to battle, Pidgey wins!” Nurse Joy exclaimed.

Red returned Spearow to its Poke Ball as Pidgey flew down to Blue and landed on his arm.

“You did your best, Spearow.”

Red respectfully said as he glared at Blue, who returned his stare with his usual cocky smile.

“I knew it wasn’t gonna be that hard to defeat you again!” Blue mocked.

Instantly, Red felt his blood boil with the heat of a thousand suns. His face flushed a deeper shade of red than his jacket as he angrily yelled out, “Wait, I still have more Pokemon!”

Blue returned Pidgey to its Poke Ball before turning his head towards Red with a reply. “Sure, I wouldn’t mind mopping the floor with you again.” He calmly stated as he shrugged his arms.

Nurse Joy watched as both trainers threw the Poke Balls containing their next Pokemon onto the battlefield. The second Pokemon of Blue’s was a diminutive rat with purple fur riding a top its body and large buck teeth. The Pokemon exclaimed its name, “Rattata!” as it watched Red’s Pokemon materialize. The female Nidoran was the rat Pokemon’s opponent for this battle. Both creatures glared at each other as they waited for their trainers to issue commands.

“I’ll take the honors this time. Rattata, use a Tackle attack!”

“Nidoran, use Scratch!”

Both small Pokemon charged for each other as their trainers once more ordered commands. Nidoran struck the purple Pokemon with her sharp claws. When Rattata got back up, it angrily glared at the female Pokemon with its red eyes. Blue then ordered a quick attack, which struck Nidoran before it could retaliate. She attempted to strike Rattata with her sharp claws again, but the small Pokemon was too fast. This process occurred each time Nidoran attempted to attack. The battle was at a standstill, as the female Pokemon’s constant attack gave no opportunity for Rattata to attack back before having to dodge again.

<Both these trainers and their Pokemon seem really into it, this is an exciting battle.> Nurse Joy thought as a smile spread across her face.

Finally, Nidoran managed to catch up with the speedy Rattata. Blue found himself in a moment of frustration as he began to grind his teeth as he watched his Pokemon hit the ground. For once, he didn’t have the upper hand. Still, he issued a command with flare in his voice, “Rattata, try another Quick Attack!”

The purple Pokemon got back up to its feet, but it’s previous process of dodging Nidoran’s scratch attacks left it tired and panting. It still managed to carry out its trainers command, only it wasn’t as fast as it was before when it charged for Nidoran.

“Nidoran, use your Poison Sting!” Red exclaimed.

As the tired Rattata neared its opponent, she released a fury of purple poison darts from her mouth. The purple Pokemon attempted to dodge Nidoran’s attack, but it was too late. Blue watched with a surprised look on his face as the attack collided head on with his Rattata, each poisonous barb stinging its body. Rattata struggled to get back up on its feet. When it managed to stand, it looked flushed and sick. The wobbly Pokemon was barely able to hold its position. Before either trainer was able to issue another command, Nurse Joy exclaimed “Stop!” as she rushed onto the battlefield.

Both trainers watched with a confused look on their faces as Nurse Joy approached Blue’s Rattata. By the time she had reached it, the rat Pokemon fell to the ground and began panting. The nurse put her hand over Rattata’s head, picked it up, and held it in her arms.

“Blue, your Rattata is very sick.” She said as she looked down to the Pokemon in her arms. “It appears to have contracted the poison status ailment from Nidoran’s Poison Sting attack, and requires immediate medical attention.”

Blue simply nodded as Nurse Joy rushed into the building. A closer look at Rattata would have revealed how sick the poisoning had made it, with the look of agony in the eyes it closed so tightly and an uneasy breathing pattern. Red approached Blue with Nidoran at his side, and both Pokemon trainers were making eye contact. Neither could read the others mixed emotions.

“Looks like I won that round!” Red exclaimed as his eyes shined with joy.

“Pfft, don’t be so over confident, we were tied at one a piece.” Blue scoffed as he looked down to the female Nidoran that handed Rattata defeat. He smirked before returning his attention to Red, “But tying with you is just as bad as losing, so don’t get used to it!”

A rush of anger overcame Red as his face flushed crimson, as Blue walked away before he could say anything back. He and Nidoran’s eyes were matching with a glare for their rival as he walked into the Pokemon center, with the trainers fist tightly clenching. He shook off his anger when the thought that he still obtained victory against Blue crossed through his mind again. He knelt down to Nidoran’s level and began to pet the side of her face. Nidoran looked confused at first, but then proceeded to enjoy Red’s show of affection.

“You did a great job, Nidoran. I’m proud of you.”

Red and Nidoran walked inside the building.

An hour had passed since the battle had taken place as Red patiently waited for his Spearow to be healed for the second time that day. He had barely been on his journey for two days, and he already had three Pokemon by his side. As his thoughts began to center around all the other Pokemon he could capture, he heard the call of Nurse Joy paging him over the microphone for his healed Pokemon. He thanked Nurse Joy once more as he received Spearow’s Poke Ball, and proceeded to exit the Pokemon Center. When he walked outside, he noticed Blue walking away from it. He quickly rushed towards his rival with a question.

“So, is your Rattata all healed up?”

The tone of Red’s voice was inquisitive, but flat as he remembered feeling insulted by Blue’s harsh words earlier. As another show of either disrespect or cockiness, Blue refused to make eye contact with his rival as he spoke, preferring to fixate his gaze in front of him.

“No, it’s going to take an entire night to heal, and I don’t have time to waste.”

“B-but-” Red stuttered, appalled by Blue’s actions. “You captured that Pokemon, you’re not even gonna train it?”

“Of course not. It’s not worth training if it got so easily defeated by you. Now leave me alone, I have a region to explore.”

Blue got the last word again as he rushed in whatever direction Red wasn’t going. The trainer glared at his overconfident rival, but shook his gaze as he realized he had the same objective.

The only direction Red had to go was forward, the direction he proceeded to walk in as he exited the city. He hadn’t walked for long before the streets of the city turned into trees that only grew thicker and thicker as he proceeded. Red wasn’t paying any attention to his surroundings, and before he knew it the trees began to block out the afternoon sun that hung high in the sky. Then his view of the sun became almost completely engulfed, and all he could see is trees. He was now in the Viridian Forest.
__________________

Credit for the theme goes to Hybrid Trainer

anyways, check out my fanfic, Legends of Kanto
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256341
first volume completed, chapter releases on the way!
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