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  #1    
Old October 10th, 2011, 04:35 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Part One: Meet the Humans
Chapter One: Aqua

Present
Boreas yawned as he stared off at the passing riverbanks, bored out of his skull. There was absolutely nothing to do on the small motorboat except to be bored. Earlier that day, when they were chasing Team Plasma, the excitement of the chase had meant there was no time for boredom, but now that they had escaped Boreas really noticed how long and boring the way back to Driftveil was. He could not even play with Black, his trainer, as he was too busy steering the boat. Maybe I should just ask him to return me to my pokéball, Boreas thought, at least I'll be out of the direct sunlight in there.
Boreas sighed and stared off at the riverbanks again, but this time something caught his eye. They were passing by a small rock in the river and on the rock a very cute Vaporeon was sunning. Her shapely body was covered in blue fur that sparkled in the Sun, her finned tail was about as long as her body, and when she looked up as the boat passed her Boreas saw she had a lovely face. She smiled and winked at him, and Boreas felt as if his heart had stopped and his blood was boiling. He tried to greet her back in some way, but only managed an awkward nod and something that was supposed to be a charming smile but probably looked more like two fishermen had caught their hooks in each of the corners of his mouth and were now trying to haul him in. It had been a long time since he had last seen another Eevee, let alone one as pretty as this Vaporeon, so Boreas yearned to go talk to her, but the boat had already passed and they were moving away from her.
Black, stop the boat, I want to talk to that Vaporeon,” Boreas said to his trainer, but of course Black didn't understand a word of it, being human.
Not now, Boreas,” he said, “Let me just focus on steering, or we'll end up on a rock.”
C'mon, just look over there, and you'll get it!” Boreas said, pointing to the Vaporeon.
Unfortunately, Black's back was turned to him while he steered. “If you're hungry just get some berries from my backpack.”
Boreas sighed, looked at the shapely Vaporeon again, and jumped off the boat. The water was cold, but that was quite a relief after sitting in the unseasonably warm Sun for a while. He managed to resurface and began clumsily swimming to the rock. He wasn't a great swimmer, but at least managed to keep himself afloat and slowly made progress against the river's calm current. After a few minutes of clumsy swimming while the Vaporeon watched him amused, he finally arrived at he rock and held on to it with his front paws to keep afloat. He looked up into a pair of gorgeous black eyes looking at him expectantly, and realised he had no idea what to say.
Uh... Hi,” he said.
Hi there,” said the Vaporeon, “my name's Aqua.”
Hi Aqua,” Boreas said awkwardly.
So... Do you have a name?” She asked.
Uh... Y-yes, it's Bors. No, Boreas!” He kicked himself underwater for making a complete mess of this. He realised that though he had planned to be really charming and witty, he was currently displaying all the charm and wit of a spoilt carrot.
After a very awkward pause of a few seconds, she said: “So um... Can I help you, Boreas?”
Uh, well... Y'see... I just wanted to tell you that though my Blizzard is usually powerful enough to freeze a Heatran, with someone as hot as you nearby I couldn't even manage a cooling breeze.”
It was silent for a second or two, and Boreas felt incredibly awkward and decided he should just apologise for wasting her time and try to swim back to the boat. Then she started laughing. “Thanks. I've never heard that one before. Come, join me, the rock is big enough for two and I've seen minerals who were better swimmers than you.”
Boreas gladly joined Aqua on the rock. It was just large enough for two to sit on while maintaining a somewhat respectable distance. “So I saw you with a human on that boat. Is he your captor?”
Captor?” Boreas asked in surprise, “No, he's my trainer, his name's Black.”
Yeah, that's what I mean. So you're a captive pokémon?”
No, I'm not. He's my trainer, not my captor.”
You say Arseus, I say Arkeus. It's the same thing, really.”
Boreas was getting annoyed. “No, it's not! Black is not my captor, he's my trainer and what's more, he's my friend. And I don't like it when you call him my captor.”
Aqua gave him a sceptical look. “He keeps you locked up in a little plastic ball, doesn't he?”
No he doesn't, he only returns me to my pokéball for my own protection, like when we crossed the Route 4 desert.”
Okay, but he makes you fight his fights for him, and orders you around during those fights, doesn't he?”
Boreas tried to think of some clever rebuttal, but she was partly right and he found it hard to think while her deep black eyes looked into his, so he just said: “Well... I suppose you're partly right there, but the way you phrase it makes it sound a lot different then what it's actually like.”
Different in what way?”
Well, for one thing he doesn't “make” me fight, I choose to fight for him because he's my friend.” Aqua snorted sceptically. “No, really. Besides, I want to become the Champion as much as he does. And I'm even more motivated than him to stop Team Plasma.”
Team Plasma? Are those the humans you were chasing when you came by earlier?”
Yes, that's them. They got away from us this time, unfortunately. They're a bunch of pokémon thieves who want to separate humans and pokémon.”
Sounds like a good idea to me. What have humans ever done for us?”
Sure, maybe it sounds like a good idea to you now, but they do wicked things to achieve that goal, and they don't just want to liberate pokémon from bad people, but they want to separate pokémon like me from trainers who are their friends as well.”
Perhaps they're right. Maybe a pokémon and a human can't be friends.”
Boreas found it difficult to argue with those pretty eyes, but couldn't let that go. “What about Black and me, then? I can assure you we are friends.”
Maybe you aren't. Not really.”
What-”
No, hear me out. I once knew a Lanturn who had been captured by a Gyarados when she was a Chinchou. That particular Gyarados had a habit of hoarding his food, so he would sweep the sea for food daily and throw what he couldn't eat into a big closed off cave and eat them later. After several weeks in the cave she managed to escape. You'd expect her to hate her captor, but she never spoke ill of him. When she would speak of him, she would talk about how he never treated her or his other prey unkindly and how he would always make sure there was enough food for them. When someone is held captive for a long time, they will actually convince themselves their captor is a friend, because it feels a lot better than being a captive.”
Boreas hesitated. He had heard of this before, but had never considered it might apply to him. “No. Black and I really are friends, I'm sure of it, and if you knew all that we've been through together and all the things that Team Plasma has done, you wouldn't agree with them.”
Maybe I wouldn't. Why don't you tell me about it?”
I dunno, it's kind of a long story...”
Hey, I've got time and I could use the company. And as for you, your “friend” seems not to have noticed you're gone, so I guess you have time too.”
With a start, Boreas realised she was right. “Oh no, you're right! He's gone! I have to swim after him, or I may not find him again!”
You'd never catch up to him. I saw your swimming and it's pretty bad, while he's in a boat. Why don't you wait here with me until he returns to look for you? Or, if he doesn't come back for you, I can swim you to Driftveil and you'd just have to hold on.”
Though the prospect of talking to Aqua for much longer and then getting to hold her while she swam him to safety sounded very appealing, Boreas was worried about not finding Black again. “Uh... I don't know. I think I should-”
Please?” Aqua blinked a few times in rapid succession, and Boreas' desire to go find Black disappeared like snow before the Sun.
Alright then, I'll tell you. It all began when I was just a little cub, a few weeks old...”

Last edited by apenpaap; December 27th, 2011 at 03:25 AM.
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  #2    
Old October 17th, 2011, 11:34 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Chapter Two: Twilight
Past
Wait for me, Zeph!” Boreas called after his brother.
Hurry up!” Zephyrus stopped running for a moment, but only a moment, too impatient too sit still as usual. “If you keep being so slow, you'll never evolve into a cool Jolteon like dad!”
I'll evolve into something else then, you'd make a better Jolteon anyway! Just wait up and tell me what this is all about!”
In a minute, we're nearly there! And hurry up, or you'll evolve into a Slowpoke!”
You can't evolve into a Slowpoke!”
I can't, you can too!”
The brothers ran on through the forest, until Zeph finally stopped. They were in the midst of thick shrubbery that made it impossible to see very far. “Zeph, are we there?” Boreas asked, “What do you want to show me?”
Boreas, do you know what a human is?”
Sure I do, it's those two-legged animals with no fur. I've seen them from a distance.”
Right, well I was running through the forest just now, chasing... I don't know what- when I found it!”
Found what?”
Zephyrus was so excited that he seemed about to start jumping up and down. “A herd of humans! They're just behind these shrubs!”
Really?” Boreas curiously pushed through the shrubs, but was stopped by Zeph.
Watch out, we can't let them see us! Eurus says when a human sees you, they catch you and then...”
Then what?”
They eat you!” Zephyrus spoke dramatically. “Alive.”
Though Boreas knew their brother Eurus wasn't the most reliable source of information, he was still frightened by the idea. “What does it matter even if they see us, Zeph?” Boreas tried to put himself at ease, “They'll never catch us anyway.”
Zephyrus chuckled. “They won't catch me, you mean, I'm fast and I'll become a Jolteon like dad when I grow up. They may catch you, though, and I'd hate to have to save you.”
Shut up, they couldn't catch me if they tried! They couldn't run after me, they have only two legs so they'd fall over.”
Well yeah, obviously, but they don't need to run, because they've got these red and white balls, and if they throw one at you...”
Then what?”
BOOM!” Zeph startled Boreas, “you die! And then they turn you into cheese and eat you. True story, they almost caught me when I discovered them earlier today, but I'm way too fast for them.”
Despite all this talk of danger, Boreas was very curious about the humans now. He slowly sneaked forward and looked between the branches of the shrubs, careful to remain hidden. He saw a bizarre sight. The humans' burrows were above the ground and made of wood and stone. These burrows covered the landscape for as far as he could see. Between the burrows, a few humans were walking. Boreas quickly stepped back into the shrubs so they wouldn't see him and turn him into cheese.
See!” Zeph whispered excitedly, “I told you there was a herd of them here!”
Boreas stepped forward again to take another look at the strange place were the humans lived. This time he saw something that shocked him: there was an Oshawott walking around there, being chased by a human female wearing white and orange clothes and a green thing on her head. “Oh no,” he said, “Zeph, look over there, we have to help that poor Oshawott! The human's going to eat him!”
Zephyrus looked through the shrubs at the Oshawott. “But what if they catch us too?”
The human had nearly caught the Oshawott. “We have to go, now!” Boreas said, and he jumped out of the shrubs and started running down the grassy slope, shouting a warning to the Oshawott. But it was too late: the human had reached him and picked him up. Boreas hardly dared to watch, but to his surprise the human just hugged the Oshawott and they both laughed.
Boreas!” Zephyrus hissed from the shrubs. “Get back here! The humans will see you!”
I... Don't think they're that dangerous, Zeph. Look, that human is just playing with the Oshawott.”
Mum and dad will be so mad at you!”
Boreas realised Zephyrus was right and ran back into the shrubbery.
You were so lucky!” Zephyrus said, exasperated, “What if they'd killed you and made you into cheese?”
Maybe they don't really do that, Zeph, that human and that Oshawott seemed friendly to each other.”
Maybe she was just trying to cheer him up so that when she eats him, his flesh is not all stringy from his sadness.”
But you just said they turn you into cheese. Then what does it matter if your flesh is all stringy?”
I- um- well- I don't know, I'm not a human. Let's just go back home, okay?”
But Boreas' curiosity had got the better of him now. “Not yet. There's one more thing I want to do. I want to see what their burrows look like on the inside.”
What? You can't go inside them! There'll be humans there, and they'll turn you into cheese!”
I know, I won't go inside. Look at that burrow there, one of the windows is open. I could just look through it. Are you coming with me?”
O-okay. But if any human comes close, we run for our lives, okay?”
Okay,” Boreas nodded. He was frightened too, of course, but his curiosity overwhelmed his fear. They stepped out of the shrubs, and cautiously ran down the grassy slope. A small hedge surrounded the garden of the burrow, but both Eevees were small enough to walk through. They looked around cautiously before running to the open window. It turned out the window was a lot higher than they thought, and they couldn't even look through if they stood on their hind legs.
That's a shame,” said Zeph, “let's go now before they catch us.”
No, I've got an idea. I'll climb on your back and look inside, then you can climb on my back and look inside.”
Zeph stood under the window and Boreas climbed on his back. He stood up on his hind legs and looked through the window. There were no humans inside, just their weird furniture. Boreas was somewhat disappointed by the lack of truly bizarre things. Then a delightful smell hit his nostrils and he saw a delicious-looking sausage lying on the table.
What do you see?” Zeph whispered.
Sausage,” said Boreas, “I'll be back in a moment.” and he pulled himself up on the window frame´s base and jumped inside.
Inside, he jumped up on a chair, then on the table, grabbed the sausage, and went back outside via the same route.
You went inside!” Zeph whispered in awe.
And I got us sausage. Now it's your turn to look.”
No, this place gives me the creeps. Let's go back to the forest!”
They ran back to the shrubbery and hid themselves. “Do you want half?” Boreas asked.
We don't know what's in it,” said Zeph, “maybe that sausage is made of Eevee flesh!” Boreas took a bite. It tasted delicious. “That would mean you're a cannibal now!”
Boreas didn't feel any different. “I don't think so, I don't feel like a cannibal. It tastes very good.”
Zephyrus ate his half of the sausage and let out a satisfied burp. “Y'know, we can't tell mum and dad about this. Only Notus and Eurus. We'd get in so much trouble if mum and dad knew...”
Yeah. We should probably go back home now, it'll be dark soon.”

By the time they made their way back to the burrow's vicinity, the Sun had set and twilight rapidly darkened the forest. Suddenly a distant flash of light lit up the forest.
Oh no,” said Boreas, “it's going to storm too... And we'll already be in so much trouble for coming home after dark...”
Zephyrus suddenly stopped in his tracks. “Boreas, the sky is clear.” Another flash lit up the forest. “And those flashes are coming directly from our burrow's direction...”
The brothers ran even faster now, and the flashes of light became brighter as they approached. Then, suddenly, there came one final flash and after that the forest remained dark. When they approached the burrow closer, they heard sounds of fighting ahead. When they finally reached the burrow, what they saw was terrible: their mother, standing in the burrow's opening, was fighting five Zangeese at once, using the leaf on her forehead to parry their sharp claws and attack back, while their father lay on the forest floor among three other Zangooses, his throat covered in blood. Their mother was clearly at the end of her abilities too, as several deep cuts, one of which ran over her face and crossed a now dead eye, covered her body and she was losing a lot of blood. She saw Boreas and Zeph stand still in shock and shouted “Run! Run for your lives!”
This snapped them out of their shock, and they began running through the nocturnal forest. Behind them, two Zangeese decided to pursue the much easier prey. Boreas noticed that Zeph wasn't running at his best speed, but was matching his speed to him.
Zeph, run as fast as you can!” he shouted, and an icy shiver of fear went over his spine as he heard the rustling of something running through the shrubbery on both sides.
I'm not leaving you behind too, Boreas! We've got to stick toge-”
A Zangoose jumped from the shrubs, a claw flashed, and Zeph collapsed with a horrifying gargle. Boreas stopped in his tracks as another large white pokémon jumped out in front of him. The Zangoose lifted its sharp claw, and Boreas knew there was no escape and prepared for the killing blow. Suddenly a vine shot from behind him, wrapped around the surprised Zangoose's claw, and threw him to the ground. Boreas looked around in surprise and saw a Snivy and a human standing there.
Don't worry, boy!” said the Snivy, “We shan't let them get you too!”
Octa, Leaf Tornado!” the human ordered. The Zangoose was charging at Octa and his trainer, both claws ready, but the Snivy created a small tornado of sharp leaves that made the Zangoose cry out in pain as they cut him. The other Zangoose charged the trainer, who jumped back to dodge the first slash, and hid behind a tree against the second. Then he picked up a large stick while his Snivy caught the other Zangoose in another Leaf Tornado, blocked the Zangoose's slash with it, and hit him back so hard that he crashed into a tree. Both Zangeese ran away, back to the burrow.
Hah, that was easy,” the Snivy said smugly, “They couldn't even hope to stand a chance against me. Incidentally, my name's Octavianus and- Are you quite alright, boy?”
The horrible truth had just hit Boreas like a heavy hammer hitting his heart, so he had collapsed and started crying. “Z-Zeph is dead! And dad t-too. And Mum and Eu-eurus and Notus are gone too, aren't they?”
Octavianus looked defeated. “I- um- Yes, I'm afraid they're all quite dead. I... Apologise we were not here in time to save them as well.”
A wave of despair overwhelmed Boreas. He had never felt so alone. He just cried in misery on the forest floor for a while. Then two big arms picked him up and held him as he cried for everyone that he'd lost.
There, there, little guy,” the human said, “We will take care of you and find you a new home. Don't you worry.”
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  #3    
Old October 25th, 2011, 06:22 PM
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minime010
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I love the story and wish to see more. I like how the mood changes from eating a delicious sausage to watching your parents die . but I really love the story.
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  #4    
Old October 26th, 2011, 03:00 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Thanks. I wasn't planning to continue posting this story on this site anymore due to lack of interest, but since there is apparently interest, here's chapter 3:

Chapter Three: Octavianus
Boreas awoke in the open air and, after a moment of disorientation, the bitter memories of the previous night hit him like an anvil of sadness. He tried to go back to the blissful unconsciousness of sleep, but now his sadness, the Sun's light, and his hunger kept him awake. He smelt a delicious odour and tried to ignore it, as he didn't want to ever eat again in his grief. His stomach, however, had different plans and was rumbling loudly. Eventually, he couldn't help submitting to his hunger, so he opened his eyes and slowly got up from under the small blanket that had somehow ended up on top of him.
Good to see you awake, boy,” Octavianus said, “I do hope you slept well.”
I'm fine.” Boreas lied, “Just a bit hungry.”
You're in luck, then,” Octavianus said, “for as you can probably smell, Black is preparing breakfast. Incidentally, what did you say your name was?”
I didn't... But it's Boreas.”
Ah, good. Did I introduce myself yet? Regardless, my name is Octavianus, but please call me Octa. For Octavianus is a good name to bear, but rather sesquipedalian.”
R-right, I suppose it is.”
Octa!” Black called, “Breakfast is ready, so wake up our guest and come here!”
Boreas was hungry, of course, but he was a bit afraid of coming closer to the human, still worried he might end up as breakfast. “I don't want breakfast.”
Come, my dear fellow,” Octa said to Boreas, “I heard your borborygmi, so don't pretend you're not hungry. You'll feel better once you've had a decent meal. Besides, I think 'tis about time you met Black.”
Boreas' stomach rumbled loudly and saliva entered his mouth as he smelt the food's delicious odour again, and that convinced him to join Octa and Black. Black was baking food in a pan on a small fire and currently scooping the food onto three plates. He saw Boreas and smiled friendly. “Hey there, Eevee. It's good to see you're awake. Have some breakfast.”
Boreas sat down and ate gratefully. The food was delicious and warmed him from the inside. He felt satisfied for the first time in a day as he ate. He looked up at the friendly human who had rescued him and made him breakfast, and decided he would have to tell Eurus and Zeph that humans-
He felt a lump in his throat and his eyes became hazy with tears as he realised he could never tell Eurus or Zeph how wrong they were, nor would Eurus ever try to make something up and pass it off as truth. Both of them were gone forever. The grief for his lost family came back in full force and bitter tears forced themselves into his eyes.
Black petted Boreas' collar. “There, there, little guy. I can't bring back your family, but I promise I will find you someone to live with. Accumula Town is just a few days away, and there must be something they can do for orphaned pokémon at it's pokécenter. I'll make sure they will take good care of you. By the way, what should I call you?”
Boreas tried to stop crying. “B-Boreas.”
He can't understand you, my dear fellow,” Octa said picking up a small stick, “but let me help you.” he wrote Boreas' name in the earth with the stick in elaborate, curly letters.
Thanks, Octa.” Black said, “so your name is Boreas? Well then, Boreas, don't you worry, we'll get you to safety. Speaking of which, I think we should get going if you're both done eating.”
Black returned the plates and pan to his backpack and they set out over the over the earthy path through the forest. Octa walked next to Boreas and started talking to him. “Say, my dear fellow, I know this is somewhat of a sensitive subject to you, but do you happen to know if your parents were well-bred?”
What do you mean?”
I mean: who selected your grandparents to breed? How far back do you know your family tree? Is your family pure-blooded, or do you descend from any non-Eevees? You must understand, genealogy is somewhat of an interest of mine.”
I... Don't know.”
Octa sighed. “Then you probably aren't well-bred, what a pity. I want you to know, though, that it won't interfere with a potential friendship between us.”
It won't?” Boreas wasn't sure what he'd done wrong, but that was a relief to hear.
No, it won't. Some, like my great-aunt Galaxia, believe those of good lineage should only interact with others of good lineage and treat those who aren't well-bred with contempt, but I don't agree with that. That's just getting things backwards, for it seems to suppose that not having good ancestry is a curse, while good ancestry is the standard. In reality, of course, it is the other way around: good ancestry is a blessing, and the standard is not having so. The fact that you aren't well-bred simply means that while I was born into greatness, you shall have to achieve it for yourself.”
Boreas still wasn't quite sure what Octa was talking about. “What do you mean?”
Octa was, by now, gleaming with pride. “You see, my dear fellow, my family has been bred by expert breeders for thirty-five generations to be an excellent line of great pokémon, and I can, in fact, tell you a plethora of stories about each of those generations. I am a direct descendant, for example, by twenty-six generations, of the Serperior that was used by the warlord Kalgan, whom ruled all of Unova three centuries ago. And my ancestor by thirty-one generations' brother Vigintus was the main pokémon in the team of Sir Edward Slateport, whom discovered Hoenn. And Hieronymus, my ancestor of fifteen generations...”

Present
...Well, you get the idea. He went on like that for hours, describing the life and achievements of what must've been hundreds of members of his thirty-five generation ancestry.”
He sounds like an arrogant, pompous twit.” Aqua said.
Boreas chuckled. “Well, he is. But he's also a nice and guy and a good friend once you get over his smug attitude and obsession with ancestry.”
Still, blabbering about his own family like that to someone who'd just lost his family, and indirectly insulting your family while acting like he's so enlightened...” She grabbed Boreas' paw. “It must've been so hard for you...”
Boreas blushed. “I-uh- well- I didn't feel so bad. And... um... Where was I? Oh yeah. Actually, Octa's stories about his family actually distracted me from my own family, and I was content to just listen to him for several hours. Anyway, in the end I just couldn't hold in my laughter at the weird way he speaks...”

Past
...And so 'twas like that that she- What's so funny, my dear fellow?” Octa stopped talking.
Boreas just couldn't hold in his chuckling. “You talk funny.”
Octa wasn't amused. “What are you insinuating?”
I mean you say things like “my dear fellow” and “'tis”. Do all captured pokémon talk like you?”
Octa had returned to his prideful manner. “No, my dear fellow, not many talk like me. This style of speech signifies a sharp wit, great intelligence, good ancestry, and mastery of our noble language.”
Boreas thought. “So if 'tis like thee, my dear fellow, that that I shall be predilected to employ vocabulary with sesquipedalian loquaciousness, notwithstanding the availability of more comprehensible diminutive alternatives, I shall signify myself to possess all of these qualities? Or shall it just be anaspeptic, prasmotic, or even compunctuous of me to cause others extreme periconbobulations when they cannot comprehend me?”
Both were silent for a moment, then erupted into laughter. Octa slapped Boreas on the back jovially.
Shh.” Black hissed. He was standing still in the path. “Look over there, a Lillipup!”
A Lillipup was sitting under a tree next to the path. It had apparently not noticed them yet. “Excellent.” Octa said, rubbing his hands, “a new teammember.”
No, Octa.” Black said, “I was thinking of capturing it. I hear their final evolution is wicked strong. Get in there and use Vine Whip.”
That's what I- Oh, never mind.” Octa sighed. He ran at the Lillipup and hit it with a vine, to its great surprise.
Great job!” Black called, “Now I can catch it!” He threw a pokéball. It landed harmless several metres to the Lillipup's right. The startled Lillipup ran off into the forest, calling for help.
You missed?” Octa said incredulously, “How could you miss it?”
Sorry, that was the first time I ever threw a pokéball... I thought it would be lighter. Still, it's several days to Accumula, so it's not like we won't run into any other wild pokémon to catch and show to Bianca and Cheren.”
Hmpf,” Octa snorted, “like we'd ever lose a pokémon catching contest to those two.”
Octa, why do you and Black want to catch pokémon?” Boreas asked as they continued on the path.
Because, my dear fellow, the Champion battles with six pokémon. Despite my ancestry and skill, I couldn't hope to defeat six pokémon on my own. So we'll need a team of six by then. Preferably sooner, as most other trainers use multiple pokémon too.”
What is the Champion?” Boreas asked.
Octa stared at him incredulously. “You... Don't know? Sorry, I forgot you are very young and grew up in the wild. The Champion is the most powerful trainer in all of Unova. When Black defeats him, he will be the new Champion, and I will be in the Hall of Fame as his main pokémon. Of course, that will not be a new feat for my family, as I directly descend from nineteen different Hall of Fame members. My grandmother, for example, was in-”
Boreas interrupted him, “Where does the Champion live?”
The Champion can be found all the way in the north of Unova, on the top of a large, deserted mountain. There is a castle there, where the Champion and four other mighty trainers will battle challengers. But to even be allowed to challenge them, one first has to collect all eight badges. This is done by defeating the Gym Leader of each city, a powerful trainer whom is an expert on his or her speciality type. We are currently journeying through Unova to collect all eight badges.”
How many do you already have?”
Octa seemed a bit embarrassed. “Not a single one, actually. Black and I only met yesterday, I was a birthday present to him. We're travelling to Striaton City, where we will defeat our first Gym Leader, and on the way there, we will stop in Accumula to get you a new home.”
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  #5    
Old October 26th, 2011, 07:16 AM
minime010's Avatar
minime010
|...I have returned...|
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Somewhere over the Rainbow, Way up high
Gender: Male
Nature: Gentle
Great! I love how you put that little cliffhanger, It makes me want to read more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by apenpaap View Post
We're travelling to Striaton City, where we will defeat our first Gym Leader, and on the way there, we will stop in Accumula to get you a new home.”
I like Octa, and his liking to his family tree.
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  #6    
Old October 27th, 2011, 03:33 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Thanks. Octa is my favourite character to write as well.

Chapter Four: Rivals N Enemies
...To which the barman says: “May I push in your stool?”” Octa finished. Boreas laughed, though the joke was rather lame. “Now it's your turn again, my dear fellow.”
Let me think...” Boreas said, “Oh yeah, I remember another one: A zombie-pirate and a Wigglytuff are walking on the beach together, when suddenly the zombie-pirate steps in a- Hey, look over there, I think we're getting close to another herd of humans!” Boreas pointed at a big, grey building that was visible through the trees.
Herd of humans, my dear fellow?” Octa mocked, “We in the civilised world call it a town, you know.”
Embarrassed, Boreas uncomfortably shifted position in Black's arms. “I know, I know.”
Octa climbed from Black's shoulders to his head and stood on top of it to look further. “Regardless of your odd vocabulary, I believe you're right. We seem to be approaching an urban centre, quite possibly Accumula.”
Ouch!” Black yelped, “Octa, get back on my shoulder, or you can walk for yourself!”
Octa quickly apologised and slithered back to his shoulder. The sight of the big grey building ahead frightened Boreas a bit. “Octa, I'm scared. Isn't going inside a human town dangerous for us?”
Well, on our own it might be somewhat perilous, yes, but with Black along we have nothing to worry about. Humans never attempt to capture one another's pokémon. After all, if one went around doing so, what is to stop others from doing the same, and then one would have to perpetually watch one's pokémon and be wary of others. Besides, most pokémon are rather attached to their trainer and wouldn't appreciate being taken.”
But what if we get lost? Or if there's something much more dangerous than humans hidden in there? And I don't know anything about human towns, maybe I'll inadvertently do something very stupid or dangerous...”
Don't worry, my dear fellow, just stay close to Black and yours truly. I shall tell you all about urban locations and their oddities once we arrive there.”
Hey, Black!” A voice shouted from behind, “Yoohooo, wait up!”
Bianca?” Black said as he turned around. A human female wearing white and orange clothing was running at them while waving. Black stopped to wait for her..
Heeey, Black!” She said as she caught up, beaming, “It's good to see you again! What, it's been...” A thoughtful expression appeared on her face.
...All of five days, yeah.” Black chimed in jokingly.
Bianca returned to her energetic demeanour, “Only five days? But so much happened! I have so much to tell you!”
Black smiled friendly. “I have much to tell you too. Why don't we try to find Cheren and then we can have something to eat together in Accumula?”
Cheren? Oh, I passed him about an hour ago, so he should catch up to us soon. I wanted to walk with him, but he was so slow and when I told him to hurry up he became all Cheren-like and told me I would scare off- Oh, you caught an Eevee!”
Before either Black or Boreas could protest, Bianca had taken Boreas from Black's arms and was hugging him. “Oh, it's so cute! Where did you find an Eevee, I want one too! They're so rare and cute! Oh, it's so cute and fluffy, like a teddy bear! It's even purring cutely! What will you make it evolve into? I hear they can evolve into three different pokémon! Oh, Cheren will be so jealous of you when he sees it! Has it- Hey, don't be scared!”
Boreas, startled by the sudden hug, had escaped from Bianca's grip and was now hiding from the overly energetic human behind Black's legs.
I told you you would scare pokémon away.” Another approaching human said. He had black hair and wore glasses, black trousers, and a blue jacket. “And to answer your questions, since Black looks like he just about drowned in that torrent of words of yours, yes it is, presumably here on Route 1, yes they are, yes it is, it was actually growling because you were just about smothering it, knowing Black he probably doesn't know yet, they can actually evolve into seven different pokémon, and no, I won't.”
Hi Cheren.” Black greeted the new arrival. “Where's your pokémon?”
Tepig is in his pokéball.” Cheren said. “There's no reason to tire him with walking around.”
Oh yeah, I returned Oshy to his pokéball too,” Bianca said as the three walked into Accumula, “he was very tired after we caught a seriously cute Lillipup, so I'm giving him a rest. By the way, guys, how's your pokédex coming along? Did I mention I caught a Lillipup and that it was really cute yet? So now I'm at 2.”
I've caught a Purrloin,” Cheren said, “so if that Eevee is all Black caught, it looks like we have a three-way tie.”
Black scratched behind his ear in embarrassment. “Uh yeah, I didn't actually catch Boreas, he's not really mine. I'm just taking him to the pokécenter.”
Boreas had more or less forgotten about that. In the past few days, he'd gotten so used to being around Black and Octa that he didn't really want to be dropped off at the pokécenter any more.
Really?” Bianca asked, “what's wrong with him then?”
Black told the other humans the story of how the Zangeese had attacked Boreas' family and how he had managed to rescue only Boreas as they walked through town. The story reminded Boreas of that horrible night, and how terribly alone he had felt. He had felt as if he was the only person left in a cold, dark, empty universe, no one to care for him, with no one to talk to, no one to love, no one to dry his tears about his family. Now he had Octa and Black, and the thought of losing them too and being alone once again was unbearable.
Octa, Black!” he squeaked, “I want to stay with you! I don't want to go to someone else!”
Are you certain, my dear fellow?” Octa said, slithering down to the ground and walking next to Boreas, “we shall be travelling through Unova for at least several months, quite possibly years. We may encounter exceptionally perilous situations, and circumstances may get dire, especially during winter. Wouldn't you prefer if the pokécenter found you someone who doesn't travel and has a group of Eevees, so that you may live happily with an adoptive family?”
No, I want to stay with you, you are my friends. I don't care if it may be dangerous, I want to stay with you. Please?”
I'm honoured, my dear fellow, but you'll have to convince Black, not me. Of course, that means you'll first have to make him understand what you're saying in the first place. For what it's worth, I'd like it if you remained with us. 'Tis said that a civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and come closer to Arceus.”
Black had just finished his story and Bianca was softly weeping. “So, did you catch any pokémon after that?” Cheren asked.
Bianca was suddenly furious. “You- You callous, cold-hearted, insensitive jerk! How can you care about the stupid pokémon catching contest after that?”
Cheren held up his hands in apology. “I'm sorry, I meant nothing by it, I was just curious.”
No, I didn't catch any pokémon. I... just didn't meet any. Bad luck, I guess.”
Boreas grinned. They had actually met nine wild pokémon, three of them had fled before Black could even throw a pokéball, he had missed five of them, and the only one that he had actually hit, a Patrat, had escaped from the pokéball and ran off before he could thrown a second.
That's strange,” Cheren said, clearly suspecting the truth, “I ran into seven wild pokémon. What rotten bad luck for you. If I was a suspicious kind of person, I might actually think you were lying and are just really bad at catching pokémon... If I were a suspicious kind of person.”
R-right. Fortunately you aren't a suspicious person, are you?”
Boreas tried to tell Black that he wanted to stay with him.
You want me to hurry up?” Black asked, “Alright then, we'll visit the pokécenter before finding a place to eat if you just can't wait.”
No, no, that's not what I said at all!” Boreas said.
Alright, alright, calm down, we're already going. You just can't wait to get there, can you?”
Exasperated, Boreas turned to Octa. “Can you believe this guy?”
Black turned to Bianca and Cheren, “I'll have to visit the pokécenter first, and I'll probably be there for a while. Why don't you go on ahead, I'll catch up later.”
No no no.” Bianca said jolly, “Oshy needs a break, I'll follow you to the pokécenter. Cheren is coming along too.”
But I don't- hmpf, whatever.” Cheren sighed.
Octa, can't you write what I'm trying to tell him?” Boreas asked.
Sorry, my dear fellow, but these stone roads are too hard to write on. We'll have to think of something else, and fast too.”
Boreas was too busy thinking to be worried about the humans all around them or the weird stone surroundings as they walked through town. Suddenly an idea sprang to mind. “Octa, we could form the shapes of the letters ourselves!”
Wouldn't that look rather silly, though?” Octa responded.
C'mon, help me. I can't do it by myself.”
Fine. B is up first.” Octa sighed. Boreas stood up on two legs, carefully keeping his balance with his tail, and Octa grabbed his shoulders and curved his body to form the upper bulge of the B while his tail formed the lower bulge. With Octa hanging on to him like that, Boreas had a very hard time staying on two legs.
Aww, look how cute!” Bianca squealed, “Black, your pokémon are playing some kind of game.”
Hey, that looks pretty funny.” Black chuckled.
Oh, oh!” Bianca looked like something was just escaping her memory. “I think I saw pokémon do funny tricks like that on TV once... Let me think... Oh yeah, it's called a pokémon musical! I think they do them in Driftveil!”
Nimbasa.” Cheren corrected her.
When I get to Nimbasa, I'm totally going to sign up my pokémon for that, it'll be so cute! You guys should sign yours up for it too when you get there! Maybe they'll get to perform together.”
Meanwhile Boreas just couldn't keep his balance any more, so he let go of Octa and they both fell backwards. “Hmpf, that was futile.” Octa grumbled.
No it wasn't!” Boreas didn't want to give up hope yet, “Let's form the next letter.”
That won't help, my dear fellow.” Octa said, “If they didn't recognise our B as a letter, an O shan't fare much better. I'm afraid we'll have to think of something else.”
They followed the humans through the town, thinking in silence, when they entered a large square where people were coalescing. One of the buildings had an image of a pokéball printed on it's façade and a red roof.
Look Boreas,” Black said, “That's the pokécenter where we'll find you a new family.”
Boreas shakes his head, but Black had looked away before he saw the gesture.
I wonder what's going on there.” Cheren said, looking at the people collecting on the other side of the square.
Oh, let's check it out!” Bianca said, “It's sure to be exciting if it draws so many people!”
I think Boreas wants to get to the pokécenter right now.” Black said, “Or is it okay if we see what;s going on first?” Boreas and Octa both nodded vehemently. “Okay, let's see then.”
The three humans joined the crowd to see what was going on. Octa and Boreas each climbed to one of Black's shoulders so they could see over all the humans. On a grassy plateau in the square stood nine humans. Eight of them wore the same costume, mostly grey with a white, apron-like cloth. The left- and rightmost of them were holding big black flags with a symbol of a blue line that zigzagged over a shield and formed a P. The same symbol was also embedded on their clothing. The eight who wore the same costume formed a line together, and a ninth figure was pacing in front of them. His clothing was nothing like the others', a long yellow-and blue mantle with red eyes on it and an upper portion that resembled a castle's battlements. He had long green hair and his right eye was covered by a red eyepatch.
My name is Ghetsis.” he spoke. His voice sounded like it belonged to a much older man. “I am here representing Team Plasma. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to talk to you about pokémon liberation.”
Huh?” Cheren said.
What?” Bianca said.
Ghetsis continued as he paced. “I'm sure most of you believe that we humans and pokémon are partners that have come to live together because we want and need each other. However... Is that really the truth? Have you ever considered that perhaps we humans... Only assume that this is the truth? Pokémon are subject to the selfish commands of trainers... They get pushed around when they are our “partners” at work... Can anyone say with confidence that there is no truth in what I'm saying?”
No way.” Cheren exclaimed, though his voice betrayed some uncertainty.
Black seemed lost in thought. “I don't know.” he mumbled.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, pokémon are different from humans. They are living beings that contain unknown potential. They are living beings from which we humans have much to learn.”
You can say that again.” Octa proudly said.
Tell me, what is our responsibility toward these wonderful beings called pokémon?”
What could it be?” Bianca mumbled.
Liberation?” Cheren said mocking.
That's right!” Ghetsis pointed at Cheren, either oblivious to or ignoring the sarcasm, “We must liberate the pokémon! Then, and only then, will humans and pokémon truly be equals. Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and pokémon... And the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention.”

Present
That all sounded very reasonable.” Aqua said. “I take it that wasn't your last meeting with Team Plasma.”
Unfortunately it wasn't.” Boreas said, “But I agree, Ghetsis' speech sounded very reasonable, and it gave everyone something to think about. People around us were discussing it, and I myself wondered if I really wanted to stay with Black. If being with humans really meant being ordered around and never reaching my full potential like Ghetsis said, wouldn't it be better to be released? Though Octa didn't say anything, he may have wondered what right human breeders had had to choose for thirty-five generations whom his ancestors bred with. At least, he should have wondered that.”
But despite you thinking of leaving Black, you obviously convinced yourself you wanted to stay with him and somehow managed to communicate that to him, didn't you?”
Yes I did, but I got some help on the second point...”

Past
The crowd dispersed as Boreas was thinking about all that Ghetsis had said while Bianca, Cheren, and Black discussed the same topic. The only other person who kept standing in place was a human with long green hair. He wore white clothes and a Purrloin sat on his shoulder.
I agree with Cheren.” Octa said to Boreas, “While this gentleman may be right about some humans, Black is not like that. I, for one, would not leave even if he did “liberate” me.”
The green-haired human seemed to be startled by that. He walked over, pushed a surprised Bianca aside, and spoke very rapidly: “Your Snivy, just now he was saying-”
Hey, who do you think you are?” Cheren asked annoyed.
Saying? What do you mean?” Black said. “That's a weird thing to say.”
Oh.” the human seemed disappointed, “Then you can't understand them either. How sad. My name is N.”
Octa chuckled. “Now what kind of silly name is that?” he said to Boreas as the three other humans introduced themselves.
That is my name.” N said.
Octa blushed. “Um- I apologise, I was just surprised by your rather uncommon name. My name is Octavianus, and my friend on the other shoulder is Boreas.”
It's a pleasure to meet you both.”
Boreas was becoming increasingly aware that Black was in an awkward situation, with N talking to the pokémon on his shoulders and more or less ignoring him. “You can talk to pokémon?”
N nodded. “Yes, I grew up with pokémon and learned to understand them. It's a shame your master cannot.”
Black scraped his throat. “Oh yeah, almost forgot I was here. So, N, it was nice meeting you, but we've got a pokédex to complete and a Champion to beat, so-”
N interrupted him. “The pokédex, eh? So you're going to confine many, many pokémon in pokéballs then.”
Um, I-”
I'm a trainer too, but I can't help wondering... Are pokémon really happy that way?”
I don't know if they are,” Black said, “but I try my best to make my pokémon as happy as I can.”
You're an interesting trainer. Let me see your skills and your pokémon's!”
So, you want a battle then? Octa, show that Purrloin what you can do!”
Octa jumped off Black's shoulders. “Ha, the day I lose to a Purrloin is the day I ask my parents whether I was adopted!”
Then get ready to hear their confession!” The Purrloin said as he jumped off N's shoulder.
Show him who's boss, Diego!” N cheered his pokémon on, “Pursuit!”
Hit it with a Vine Whip, Octa!” Black ordered.
As Diego came charging for Octa, vines shot out of Octa's hands and hit him hard in the face. The Purrloin, however, didn't even flinch at the pain, nor did he seem wounded or hurt in any way. In his surprise, Octa forgot to defend and the Purrloin jumped on him and dug his claws into his flesh. Octa tried to get the Purrloin off him by slapping it with his vines multiple times, but as before Diego seemed impervious to the attack.
Black recognised the uneven battle and got Octa's pokéball out. “Octa, retu-”
No, I've got this!” Octa said. To Boreas' great surprise, Black actually seemed to understand the meaning this time.
Octa lashed out with both vines this time, and the Purrloin was knocked loose, made a half somersault through the air, and landed hard on the ground.
Ha, and how do you like that?” Octa boasted, “You cou- Hey, are you alright, chap?”
It seemed Octa had hit Diego much harder than he'd thought. The Purrloin was not getting up, and a flood of blood was starting to ooze out of deep wounds all over his body. His breathing was very fast and shallow.
Octa rushed over to the dying Purrloin, heavily shocked. “H-Holy smokes, no. I didn't- It wasn't my intention to-”
Suddenly the blood now covering Diego's flanks disappeared, and he lifted his head, bit Octa's leg, and gave him two vicious slashes with his claws. Octa screamed in pain, Black cursed, and Boreas shouted: “That's cheating!”
N smiled mischievously and said, with a twinkle in his eyes: “No, it isn't. It's a legitimate attack called Fake Tears. Diego just gave it his own special touch.”
You filthy feline fiend!” Octa hissed furiously as he slapped Diego with his vines, “I'll get you for that!”
While the battle continued as it did before, with Diego seemingly impervious to Octa's attacks, Boreas asked, “But how? How did he do that trick with the blood?”
N merely smiled as he cheered Diego on. Boreas decided to give his own support to Octa and cheered “C'mon Octa, you aren't losing to a Purrloin, are you?”
I'm not losing,” Octa hissed as he dodged another Pursuit, “he's just a bit more surreptitious than I had expected.”
With a rapid turn, Diego once again grabbed a hold of Octa with his sharp claws. Octa desperately slammed him with vines, and he let go and ran back to N while Octa pursued. Diego climbed back to N's shoulder.
Come back here!” Octa called after him, “'Tis not over yet!”
Actually, it is.” N said, “I give up, you win.”
Huh?” Black said, “But your pokémon isn't even hurt yet!”
Diego is in much worse condition than you can see.” N responded. “You win, but remember that as long as pokémon are confined in pokéballs, they will never be perfect beings. I have to change the world for pokémon, because they are my friends.” He started to walk off when Boreas had an idea.
N!” he called, “could you please tell Black I want to stay with him?”
N turned around surprised. “Why?”
Black rescued me from a pack of Zangeese that killed my family. He wants to take me to the pokécenter so they can find a new home for me, but I've already found one. I want to stay with him.”
I never expected to hear pokémon say such things...” N said. He turned to Black. “Boreas says he wants to stay with you. I can't fathom why, but he's quite adamant about it.” He walked off.
Weird guy.” Cheren said, looking after N. “But I'm not going to worry about it.”
Boreas, do you really want to stay with me? Don't you want me to find you a new home?” Black asked.
Boreas nodded. “Well, if you're as adamant about it as N said, I won't try to persuade you. Welcome to the team, then.”
I do still have to visit the pokécenter, though.” Black said to Bianca and Cheren, “Octa received some nasty scratches in that battle.”
Bianca had been uncharacteristically silent for quite a while now. “Black, I've been thinking about what that Ghetsis guy and N said. D'you think they might be right? I mean, maybe Ghetsis is right about this pokémon liberation thing. What if Oshy is unhappy with me?”
Black gave his friend's shoulder a friendly squeeze. “I'm sure he's very happy with you.”
Do you really think so?”
Of course,” Black boasted, “I don't need N's powers to understand the general idea of what a pokémon thinks.”
Octa and Boreas roared with laughter.
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  #7    
Old November 3rd, 2011, 03:39 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Chapter Five: Boreas' First Battle
A light spring drizzle fell from the sky and made small puddles on the road as Black and his pokémon walked over Route 2. Unlike Route 1, Route 2 was a paved stone road where occasionally cars and bicycles would pass. Due to this they covered a larger distance every day, but they met very few wild pokémon. Black was wearing a long raincoat, but Octa and Boreas thought the rain was quite refreshing. At some point they became aware of a strange rattling sound very far away. In the course of several minutes it became louder and clearly came from behind. A human boy on a bicycle was approaching, slowly overtaking them. As he approached the rattling noise that a piece of paper stuck in his wheel was making became louder and more annoying. When he finally overtook them, he suddenly braked and made a skidmark two metres long.
Hey dude!” the boy shouted as he jumped off his bike. He wore a shorts and a T-shirt that said “N00BS R NOT COOL”. “Why aren't you wearing shorts? They're comfy and easy to wear!”
Because it's raining.” Black said, “And pretty cold. Besides, I prefer to wear trousers.”
But dude, all the cool kids are wearing shorts!”
I'll keep that in mind. Bye.” Black walked on.
The boy followed him. “I'm Jimmy. You should wear shorts, dude, or everyone will think you're some gay noob.”
Black yawned. “I couldn't care less. Now please, go bother someone else, kid.”
No, I want to battle with your pokémon! I'll show you how awesome my Patrat is!”
Black smiled slyly and stopped walking. “Sure. I'll accept your challenge.”
Awesome!” Jimmy said, “My pokéball is at my bike, so I'll go get it!”
While Jimmy ran back to his bicycle, Black knelt to talk to his pokémon. “Alright Boreas,” he whispered, “now that you're a member of the team, we'll have to teach you how to battle. And I think this stupid kid would be an excellent first opponent for you. After all, you couldn't possibly lose to him.”
Boreas felt very nervous. “But I don't even know what to do!”
Great, just follow my commands.” Black said as he got up.
Jimmy had returned. “I'm gonna win this! Patrat, go!” He threw his pokéball and a Patrat came out.
Get him, Boreas!” Black said.
Boreas turned to Octa. “Wh-what do I do?”
Just get in there and follow Black's orders. You'll likely be victorious, for it's just a Patrat and her trainer looks like his entire family put together would be intellectually inferior to either of us.”
Okay.” Boreas said meekly as he nervously set a few steps forward.
Patrat, Tackle!” Jimmy ordered.
Boreas, start off with a Tail Whip!” Black ordered.
The Patrat ran at Boreas and bashed into him at full speed. The air was knocked out of Boreas' lungs and he only barely managed to keep from falling over. His side hurt badly where the Patrat had hit him. Boreas slapped the Patrat with his tail, but the Patrat didn't seem to care and knocked him down with another Tackle.
That's not how you-” Black started, but then he said “Never mind. Just hit that Patrat with a Tackle.”
The Patrat had put some distance between her and Boreas, so Boreas had the chance to charge at her. When he impacted the Patrat, he painfully felt the shock in through his neck, and fell to the ground again as the impact dizzied him, while the Patrat seemed only a little bruised. She Tackled him again, and now his ears were buzzing and spots were dancing before his eyes. He was aware of Black and Octa shouting orders, encouragements, or advice to him, but he couldn't make out the words. His entire body was sore, and as he tried to get up again, his foe impacted him once again and he collapsed immediately.
I give up.” Black said sadly.
Woohoo!” Jimmy cheered. “I won! Hahaha, take that!”
Boreas felt incredibly ashamed about losing. He didn't want to look up to see the disappointment in Black and Octa's eyes, but he could hardly keep lying on the ground either. With a sigh and a jolt of pain from his sore limbs, he got up while Jimmy gloated to Black. Boreas kept his gaze down, not wanting to look Octa or Black in the face. Finally Jimmy got on his bicycle and rode away, chanting “I beat a big kid! I beat a big kid! I beat some guy who doesn't wear shorts!”
Seeing Boreas trudge sadly with his tail between his legs, Black picked him up and petted his collar. “Hey, don't worry about it. You just weren't ready and I asked too much of you. We'll make you a good battler yet, we'll start training immediately. No, let's make that tomorrow when it's not raining.”
Glad that Black wasn't angry at him, Boreas jumped back to the ground only to see Octa was not in a good mood. “Octa? Are you mad at me?”
Octa sighed. “I don't suppose I should be, for you couldn't really help it. I'm just exceptionally embarrassed to have lost to some nincompoop and his Patrat.”
I'm sorry.”
Don't be, my dear fellow. One shouldn't dwell on one's mistakes, but instead look forward to prevent repeating them. And since Black declared we shall train you tomorrow, I doubt your next battle will go similarly.”
I just... Didn't think it would be that hard and painful. Even my own attacks hurt. Does that get any better?”
Your neck probably hurts now, doesn't it? At least that Tackle you performed looked bad for your neck. The problem lies here: just because you can do something, doesn't mean that act will be reliable in combat. Of course you can tackle someone, but if you haven't mastered Tackle, you could hurt yourself as much as your opponent, as you've noticed. Or take Bite, for example. Pretty much every pokémon can bite, but that doesn't mean biting shall be reliable as a move in combat. If you were to try biting your opponent untrained, you might lose teeth, and the bite shan't be as powerful as it could be.”
So what you're saying is that I lost because I am untrained, and that I might've won if I had been trained.”
Might have won? You would most certainly have won if you had had some basic training. I could have defeated that Patrat blindfolded and with my both arms tied behind my back, and so shall you in a few days. Well, except for the arms, that is, for you couldn't walk properly with them tied behind your back.”




The next day it was sunny, so they spent the entire day teaching Boreas how to fight. In the beginning they used Black's rolled up sleeping bag as a target for Boreas' attacks, as it was soft enough to prevent him from hurting himself. Later, when Boreas had learned how to keep himself relatively safe during his attacks, Octa acted as the target instead, easily blocking or dodging most of his attacks. However, as the day continued the rare occasions where Boreas would manage to hit Octa became increasingly common, and he was starting to figure out several handy tricks for surprising him, so eventually they switched back to using the sleeping bag as a target instead. By the end of the day, Boreas was exhausted but satisfied with a hard day's work.
The next day they did a different kind of training. Now Octa would hit Boreas with attacks, and Boreas had to try to dodge or block his attacks. Boreas found this form of training a lot less enjoyable, even though Octa made sure to put very little strength behind the attacks. By noon Boreas had only started managing to dodge the attacks once in a while, and was getting quite sore from the hundreds of weak attacks that had hit him all morning.
While they were eating lunch, resting from the training, a familiar voice called “Heeeey Black!”
Hey there, Bianca.” Black said before turning around to greet her.
Oh, you're having lunch, that's a great idea, mind if we join you?”
Not at all.” Bianca and her two pokémon, an Oshawott and a Lillipup, joined them. The Oshawott seemed very shy and more or less hid behind the Lillipup.
Hi,” the Lillipup said, “I'm Puppy, and this is Oshy.”
We've met.” Octa said with a slight bow, indicating the shy Oshawott, “But it's nice to meet you. My name is Octavianus, and my friend here is-”
I'm Boreas.” Boreas introduced himself. Octa looked a bit annoyed at being interrupted.
You know,” Bianca said to Black, “Cheren said I walk too fast and will chase wild pokémon away like that. I think he may be right, because I left two days after you from Accumula to visit the market, but I've already overtaken you.”
You don't walk that fast, I haven't travelled for the past two days in order to train Boreas.”
Oh yeah, the really cute Eevee, right? I think Cheren may have stopped to train too. I guess that's important if you want to beat the Gym Leaders, I mean, they're gonna be pretty tough, won't they? But I think I'll see how strong the one in Striaton City is first before I really wait to train.”
I was originally planning to do the same, but when I battled some kid Wednesday, it turned out Boreas had absolutely no experience in any battles whatsoever, so I decided to train him first. Speaking of which, I'd like to see how he fares in a battle now. Will you battle me?”
Bianca adjusted her hat. “Challenge accepted. So... We'll each use two pokémon, I think, because that's all we have. Let's get to it!”
Octa stood up. “Well gentlemen, it seems we are going to have a battle. Arceusspeed to all of you.”
...Okay.” Oshy said quietly.
Right, bring it on! And good luck to you too!” Puppy barked.
Boreas felt a lump of anxiety in his throat. “Octa, I don't know if I can do this.”
Don't worry, my dear fellow, you'll be fine this time. Remember all that you've learned in the past two days, and just concentrate on the battle.”
Boreas, you're up first, good luck!” Black said.
Puppy, let's see how well Black's training has paid off!”
Puppy and Boreas stood opposite each other, waiting for the battle to start. “Boreas, Tail Whip!” Black ordered.
Boreas wagged his tail in a manner that was as cute as he could manage to make him seem harmless to the opponent. “Ha!” Bianca said, “That didn't do anything! Tackle him!”
Puppy charged for Boreas, so Boreas patiently waited for the last moment, and then quickly sidestepped out of the way and pursued with a Tackle of his own. Puppy came to a halt after missing Boreas and had no time to dodge Boreas' Tackle and was hit hard by it. This time Boreas wasn't hurt by the impact at all, and managed to get out of the way before the Lillipup could counter-attack his counter-attack. After another command from Bianca, Puppy charged Boreas again. Boreas quickly used his paw to toss some earth into his face, obscuring his vision. All it took was an easy sidestep and a quick Tackle as Puppy missed him. Puppy quickly recovered, however, and unexpectedly hit Boreas rather hard. Boreas charged for Puppy now, compensating for his attempt to dodge, and hit him full on. Puppy collapsed, and Bianca called for his return.
Octa laughed and applauded. “Jolly good work, my dear fellow! I shall now take it over from you, though I wonder whether 'tis at all necessary.”
Great work, Boreas!” Black said, “Now get back, Octa will fight the Oshawott.”
Boreas proudly returned to Black's side as Octa took over from him.
Now it's time for this little one!” Bianca said as Oshy stepped up to meet Octa.
Octa did a little bow as a pre-battle salute and Oshy responded with a curt nod.
Tackle!”
Leaf Tornado!”
As Oshy charged him, Octa whipped up a small tornado of leaves, cutting Oshy and hurting him, though Boreas noticed the cuts were only superficial scrapes, unlike the deep wounds Octa had caused to the Zangoose trying to kill him on the night they had met. Octa didn't manage to dodge the quick Tackle that followed, but he responded by slapping Oshy with the vines quickly shooting from his hands. Already Oshy was seriously hurt while Octa was more or less unscathed. After they exchanged another attack, Bianca had no choice but to give up.
I'm no match for you. Still, it was a fun battle, and we got to see Boreas in action, so I figure it was all good, huh?”
Yeah, and you did well too. You were just at a type disadvantage, or you might've won.”
Octa folded his arms. “Hmpf, thank you very much for that.”
Octa, did you see how cool that was? I mean, I really beat Puppy, and it wasn't even difficult.”
Octa smiled. “Yes, you did well. I wonder how we shall fare against the Gym Leader.”
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  #8    
Old November 10th, 2011, 02:50 PM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Chapter Six: A Grey City
Exhausted, Black and his pokémon finally arrived at the Striaton City pokécenter while mnight had already fallen over the grey city outside. Much earlier that evening, they had been ready to stop for the night when they had caught a glimpse of Striaton's grey buildings far away, so Black had decided to walk on and rest at the pokécenter. Unfortunately, Striaton turned out to be much larger and mazelike than expected, and when Black asked the locals for directions to the pokécenter they either ignored him or just gave a vague indication and walked on. They had spent several hours wandering the boring grey city before they finally saw the single non-grey façade of the city. Now Black, seemingly ready to fall asleep on the desk, was filling in his name on a form the nurse gave him. When he was finally done, Nurse Despair gave him the key to one of the small guestrooms upstairs.
'Twas a lengthy ambulation,” Octa yawned, “But spending the night in a comfortable room shall be worth it, shan't it, my dear fellow? I anticipate just getting a complete night's sleep without the cold, nocturnal cars raging by, precipitation, or insects awakening me. Just a calm night with no excitement or disturbances.”
As Boreas, walking half-asleep, nodded, someone said, “Heeey Black!”
Octa sighed. “Oh, in the name of...” he muttered. The door of the room they had just passed had opened, and there stood Bianca wearing a green pyjama. Their practise battle against her was almost two weeks ago by now, and they hadn't seen her since, as Black had stayed on the same spot for another day to train Boreas some more while Bianca had been too impatient and hurried on to Striaton.
Hi there, Bianca.” Black said, “How are you?”
Great, though I lost to the Gym Leader.”
That's a shame.”
He used grass-types, so Oshy was at a type disadvantage, just like when we battled. But at least he- Hey, do I bore you or something?” She said with an annoyed edge to her voice as Black had just yawned widely.
Huh? Oh, 'scuse me, you don't bore me, I'm just really tired, y'know, I've walked all day. Why don't you tell me all of this tomorrow, okay?”
They entered an empty room, and Black stepped into the bed and was asleep within seconds. Boreas found a good place to sleep under the bed, while Octa curled up on the feet-end of the bed.

The next morning at breakfast Bianca was telling all about her battle with the Gym Leader.
...Like, he was a really nice and shy guy named Cilan, and he even apologised after he won. But his brother told him not to. And-”
Black interrupted her. “What type of pokémon did Cilan use again?”
He used grass-types, silly, a Pansage, I told you that yesterday. But anyway, so we started out by both sending our Lillipups to battle...”
Hmm.” Octa spoke while sipping from a cup of tea, “so it appears we're up against a user of the grass-type. That could be problematic, given that I'm a grass-type as well.”
So you have to focus on non-grass-type attacks to win, right?” Boreas asked. “Hey, I've got an idea! If Cilan starts with his Lillipup again and Black starts with me, I can beat that Lillipup, after all I've already beaten one, and then I can tire out the Pansage, and then when I'm actually defeated, you can beat his weakened pokémon.”
Good plan. Though be careful not to underestimate that Lillipup. The fact that you beat a Lillipup doesn't imply your ability to defeat all of them. Since Cilan is a Gym Leader, his Lillipup is likely more powerful than Bianca's. But if you can defeat it, you could indeed help me by tiring out the Pansage. They're silly ape-like creatures, so I don't expect too much trouble.”
As they were finishing their breakfast, Black said: “By the way, did you remember to do that errand Professor Juniper gave us?”
What errand?” Bianca asked.
Remember, she told us to visit her friend Fennel.”
Oh yeah! I didn't do that, I guess we should visit her before you go challenge the Gym Leader.”
Do you know where she lives?”
I don't think the prof told us. Do you reckon Nurse Despair might know?”
I guess we should go ask her.”
Nurse Despair gave Black and Bianca a map of the city and directions to Fennel's laboratory.

As they walked through Striaton City, Boreas became crushingly aware of how incredibly grey and dreary the city was. Every single building was grey, the street was grey, and even the sky was a clouded grey. While most of the people didn't wear grey, their clothes were so similar that they almost seemed like uniforms. Everyone wore blue jeans, and green sweaters, shirts, or tops. Everyone minded their own business and seemed to be on their way somewhere, and no one seemed to be having any fun or talking to each other at all. The only pokémon out of their pokéballs were at work.
We seem to fit in like a streaker at Queen Victoria's funeral.” Octa mumbled, making Boreas chuckle.
Bianca?” Black said quietly, as talking felt strange on the quiet street, “Have you noticed the looks most people here give us?”
Bianca nodded. “Some seem almost scared or angry. It was like that yesterday too.”
Not the most welcoming city, eh?”
All the boring greyness made Boreas feel odd. He felt a desperate need to do something to break the city's monotony. He saw several Timburrs and humans repairing a hole in the road and walked up to them.
Pardon me, but I have nothing to say!” he said to them and then walked on.
What was the meaning of that behaviour?” an amused Octa asked.
Boreas shrugged. “I'll let them figure that out. I just feel like breaking the monotony of this place.”
Octa tossed a look backwards. “A laudable goal in itself, perhaps, my dear fellow, but I'd rather you didn't upset the locals. Those Timburrs are talking about something right now and eyeing us suspiciously. I don't think this city is the most accepting recipient of attempts to spread some minor chaos.”
Boreas laughed. “Oh, c'mon, what's the worst that could happen?”
Well, they could have you caught and Black arrested on some nonsensical charge like “Not having one's pokémon under control”, “disruption of public order” or “suspicious behaviour” and fined or asked to leave the city.”
Boreas laughed. “You can't be serious!”
I am somewhat serious, actually. The chances of that scenario playing out may not be gargantuan, but it does happen. My great-great-uncle Regulus, for example, once-”
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he was arrested once for impersonating a goat in public or something. You're too careful.”
I beg your pardon? Your cavalier attitude is the one that'll get us into trouble.”
You shouldn't worry so much. Even if we do get into trouble, at least we'll have had some fun in this paltry-boring city, and we'll have made some people's day more interesting. But, since you're making this into such a big deal I guess I'll stop.”
After about ten more minutes of walking through the grey streets, they arrived at the laboratory and rang a doorbell. A long-haired woman with glasses wearing a lab coat opened the door.
Hi,” Bianca said, “I'm Bianca and this is Black. Professor Juniper asked us to visit you.”
Fennel clapped her hands together. “Minerva sent you? Excellent, I need some skilled pokémon trainers to help me with my research.”
Well, you've got the right people before you, then.” Black said, “we are great pokémon trainers, and I'll be happy to help you.”
Good, why don't you come in?”
They followed Fennel inside, through several corridors and past labs were scientists were working on strange experiments. Boreas tried to sneak inside one of them to see what the scientists were doing with fifteen cakes and a saw, but Octa hurried him along. They entered a big lab containing several beds and weird, big machines.
Welcome to my lab. I have a little favour to ask of you.” Fennel said.
Anything.” Black said.
First, I have to explain that I research pokémon dreams here. For several years, I could only get data via roundabout ways. But I've been working on this machine, which will let me view pokémon's dreams directly. It works by tapping into several...”
While Fennel was detailing the workings of the machine, Octa nudged Boreas. “Take a look at Black, my dear fellow.”
Black was paying close attention to Fennel's words, looking deep into her eyes with a smile on his face and a slight blush on his cheeks. “He seems interested in the machine.” Boreas said.
Octa guffawed. “Methinks he's more interested in its creator, if you know what I mean.”
Boreas felt he was missing something. “No, I don't.”
You know, he seems enamoured with her.” Seeing Boreas' not-understanding expression, “Twitterpated. Smitten by her, fascinated, enchanted, infatuated, has a crush on her?”
You mean he's... In love with her?”
A brilliant deduction, my impulsive little friend. I suppose she is quite fair for a human. Of course, this allows me to have some fun. Watch me make him both envious and embarrassed in a single move.” he calmly walked over and stood between Fennel's legs, who didn't notice, busy as she was explaining the complex machine, and shot a quick glance up. Then he smirked smugly at Black, who turned as red as a tomato.
Octa, get back here!” he whispered angrily, then added an apology to Fennel.
Fennel noticed Octa and stopped talking to pick him up. “Hey, Octa, aren't you a cute little guy? Why don't you wait over there for a moment until I'm done talking to your trainer? I promise it won't take long.” She smiled to Black, “I'm sure he meant no offence by it, he's just impatient.”
While she talked, Octa shamelessly threw a look down into her cleavage and smirked smugly at Black again. Fennel put Octa down and he joined Boreas again. “Now normally I wouldn't treat a lady like that, but it was worth it to see that look on Black's face.”
Let's see, where was I?” Fennel asked.
You had just finished telling us how the machine works.” Bianca said.
I did already? Okay, well, there's a problem with it, you see. It turns out I need a vapour called Dream Mist that is produced by the pokémon Munna and Musharna. It has several interesting effects on dreams, one of which is that they are made much more vivid and stronger, which is needed for the machine to work properly. The problem is the Dream Mist itself is actually illegal in this city, so I can't get any. So my request to you is: could you please catch a Munna and give me some of the mist?”
Okay,” Black said, “we'll do it. But why did you have to wait for us, couldn't you just ask some other trainer for help?”
Fennel chuckled, “Surely you've already noticed how the people of this city react to even their unwritten rules being broken, let alone if I were to ask someone to actually break the law. Not that that's an entirely bad thing: the crime rates here are so low that you pretty much don't need to bother with locks at all. But it's rather inconvenient now.”
Where do we find a Munna?” Bianca asked.
At the northeast of the city there's an old villa where a scientist used to live. It's been abandoned for over a century. Munna lives there now, that's why people call it the Dreamyard. There's actually quite an interesting story behind it, if you want to hear it.”
Of course we-” Black started.
Perhaps later.” Bianca interrupted. “We'll go catch Munna now.”

The Dreamyard itself was a large, mostly decrepit and collapsed mansion, and the large garden around it had become a small forest after a hundred years of neglect. It looked rather creepy together. As they entered the forest, Boreas noticed an odd smell hanging around.
Hey Black,” Bianca said joyfully, “Now I'll get to see how you catch pokémon! I'm sure I can learn a lot from your skill.”
Black returned a forced smile.
Muuuuuuunna!” Bianca sang, “Where aaaaaaaaare you?! I want to be friends with yoooooooou!”
Ssh!” Black hissed, “You'll scare them away like that!”
Cheren said that too, but I'm just making sure they know I'm not sneaking up on them, but just want to be their friend.”
I don't think it works like that, Bianca.”
Help, help!” A Munna appeared from behind some shrubbery, “They're after me, help!”
See!” Bianca said as the Munna approached, “I told you!”
What's wrong?” Boreas asked, but at that moment a grey-clad human jumped from the bushes and grabbed the Munna. A second human followed.
Eep!” Bianca squeaked, “Who are you?”
"We are Team Plasma!” The left human said, “We fight day and night to liberate pokémon from foolish humans!"
The right grunt stood up with the struggling Munna in his hands. “And we heard Munna and Musharna emit a strange vapour called Dream Mist, which influences people's dreams. Sage Rood wants to use that to make people want to release their pokémon... We'll show them dreams to manipulate their hearts!”
The Munna was panicking by now, begging for help. “You can't manipulate people into releasing their pokémon!” Black said, “That's as bad as forcing them to do so. Why don't you just try reasoning with them? And besides, you're squeezing that Munna way too hard.”
We can do whatever we want, brat!” the left grunt said, “Sage Rood's orders are much more important than whatever you say.”
Come on, spit out that Dream Mist!” The right grunt yelled at the Munna, who started crying.
Boreas couldn't ignore the cries for help. He ran at the Team Plasma grunt and climbed up in his clothing, noticing that the grey costume provided an excellent climbing surface. When he reached the man's face, he scratched him, drawing a little blood and making the startled grunt yelp and let go of the Munna. The Munna tried to float away, but in her panic and pain she couldn't levitate properly. Fortunately Bianca managed to catch her while Boreas ran back to Black.
The two grunts approached Bianca threateningly, so Black and his pokémon stepped in front of her. “Out of the way, brat!” the one grunt shouted, “You have no idea about the trouble you're getting yourself and your girlfriend in. Hand over the Munna, and you needn't get hurt.”
You're not touching that Munna.” Black said, “Now get out of here.” Boreas growled to help repel the grunts.
Y-yeah.” Bianca stammered.
The Team Plasma grunts threw their pokéballs to release a Patrat and two Purrloins, one male and one female. “I warn you, brat, don't act tough because you may have won some of the fake battles that you trainers fight. We, Team Plasma, don't just fight for badges like you selfish trainers, but for the liberty of pokémon everywhere. So our resolve is unending, and if you stand in our way, we'll kill both you and your pokémon!”
Boreas felt like running away now, as he really didn't want to die. He hadn't thought these guys would actually be willing to go that far. But he saw Black and Octa weren't wavering, and swallowed his fear, as he wanted to abandon them even less.
I told you: You're not touching that Munna! Threats won't help you.”
Then you brought it to yourself, brat! Pokémon, get 'em!”
Whaaaat! Don't hurt Black!” Bianca cried.
I take it you don't care that I have only two pokémon and you three?” Black said with a sly smile.
Ha! Team Plasma doesn't play by the rules! You should've thought of being outnumbered before you challenged us, brat! A Snivy and a Lillipup aren't gonna stop us!”
Lillipup?” Boreas snarled, “Is that supposed to be an insult towards my tail?”
Good.” Black said, “Then I don't need to feel guilty about outnumbering you myself. Bianca, I could use some help.”
O-okay.” Bianca stuttered, “Oshy, Puppy, go, but be c-careful.”
Boreas, Puppy!” Octa commanded, “fight together against one of them, Oshy and I shall each fight one of the others!”
The male Purrloin rapidly charged Boreas, who tried to dodge, but the Purrloin was too fast and he received a painful scratch in his side. Boreas countered by Tackling the Purrloin, then was joined by Puppy who Tackled the Purrloin too.
The Purrloin tried his best not to be surrounded by the two canines and to play them out against each other, but Boreas made sure to constantly outmanoeuvre him. The Purrloin just didn't stand a chance against two enemies, and quickly lost. The pokémon Octa and Oshy were battling also lost quickly.
A silence fell as the grunts didn't seem to know what to do next, until it was suddenly broken by Bianca: “YAHOO! YES! We won!”
The one grunt spoke up. “...I can't believe we lost. But we have to obtain the Dream Mist! Please, give us that Munna! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!”
"Knock it off!" Bianca said.
Suddenly an old man with greying blond hair wearing long, red clothing appeared out of nowhere “What are you two doing goofing off?” he thundered with a heavy Dutch accent.
S-S-Sage Rood!” the grunts yelped, “W-We didn't mean to... It was an accident... It was HIS fault!”
Rood disappeared and reappeared on the grunts' other side. “Stilte! We, Team Plasma, shall separate pokémon from foolish people!”
He disappeared and reappeared again. “If you can't fulfil your duties...”
W-we're so sorry!”
Get out of here now, and never let me see you again!” he disappeared, and the Team Plasma grunts ran off.
Woah,” Black said, “That was weird.”
Yeah.” Boreas said.
A Musharna floated out of the bushes. “Thank you for saving my daughter from those people.” she said.
Mummy!” the Munna floated out of Bianca's hands to hug her mother.
A Musharna!” Black said, “That Rood-fellow must've been an illusion!”
Munna and Musharna began floating off, but Bianca called after them. “Heey, we need your help too! We need some Dream Mist!”
Musharna blew a big cloud of pink vapour from its nose, and Bianca quickly captured it in a glass pot that Fennel had given her for that reason. “Thanks! Black, why don't you take it to Fennel? I want to catch a Munna too, I think, they're cute. So I'm staying here to find one. Will I see you at the pokécenter?”
I've got a better idea: come to the Gym when you've caught your Munna.”
You're going to challenge the Gym today still? It's already getting dark.”
I don't want to spend more time than is strictly necessary in Striaton. I don't like this city very much, and I believe the feeling is mutual.”
You seemed to quite like Fennel, though,” Bianca winked.
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  #9    
Old November 13th, 2011, 01:00 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
This is very interesting, actually. I have to admit, it didn't seem that way at the start, but once the outer narrative peeled away like so much orange skin and revealed the actual story itself, it very quickly became engaging. There was a nice calm beginning - in fact, it was almost too saccharine for my taste - and then, very abruptly and with no reason, you hit the reader over the head with the slaughter of Boreas' entire family. Narratively speaking, that's great, though of course it's a terrible tragedy (more so than you make it out to be, though I think I'll come back to that).

There are, however, ways in which I think the story could be improved. First off, there's just a boring formatting thing: the text is tiny. I don't have a problem with that on a page, but on a computer screen it's really quite tiring for the eyes after a while.

Secondly, battles. It may be your intention to play them down - the story certainly doesn't seem to be battle-focused at all - but they are, to put it bluntly, on the dull side of bland. The battle against the Plasma grunts, for instance:

Quote:
The male Purrloin rapidly charged Boreas, who tried to dodge, but the Purrloin was too fast and he received a painful scratch in his side. Boreas countered by Tackling the Purrloin, then was joined by Puppy who Tackled the Purrloin too.
The Purrloin tried his best not to be surrounded by the two canines and to play them out against each other, but Boreas made sure to constantly outmanoeuvre him. The Purrloin just didn't stand a chance against two enemies, and quickly lost. The pokémon Octa and Oshy were battling also lost quickly.
It reads more like a summary of a battle than an actual battle, and even if, as it seems to be, the story is more about Boreas' experiences than about battling, it's too short and too vague, and ends up leaving the reader feeling vaguely dissatisfied. Even given the limited number of attacks the Pokémon currently have, it would be nice to see some more specifics. Also, given the amount of characterisation you give each Pokémon, it seems odd that a lone Purrloin would attack a Lillipup and an Eevee without question. I mean, it's outnumbered, isn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it feels like the personalities you work hard to build up on your characters fall away when they go into battle, and they become mindless fighting machines again. The only battle where this didn't happen, and consequently the most interesting one, was against that annoying Youngster-type, whose irksome words outlast his name in my memory. Boreas' personality didn't entirely disappear then, which I quite liked; there was some interaction between his mind and the battle, rather than it just being a series of actions.

Oh yeah, and there was one specific bit that irritated me a bit:

Quote:
“So if 'tis like thee, my dear fellow, that that I shall be predilected to employ vocabulary with sesquipedalian loquaciousness, notwithstanding the availability of more comprehensible diminutive alternatives, I shall signify myself to possess all of these qualities? Or shall it just be anaspeptic, prasmotic, or even compunctuous of me to cause others extreme periconbobulations when they cannot comprehend me?”
If Boreas has lived all his life in a burrow in the middle of a forest, I sincerely doubt he'd even have known any of those words existed, let alone what they meant. I get the joke, but it's kind of spoiled by the fact that it's impossible for him to make it.

I really can't put it off any longer now, so I suppose I'll get right to it; 'it', in this case, being Boreas' late family. The issue is simply that he gets over them too fast. You haven't mentioned it specifically, but it seems to me that Boreas is fairly young - or at least, he is at the time of the main story. Someone of his age - or indeed, anyone with a heart in their chest and blood in their veins - shouldn't get over the wholesale butchery of their family that quickly. There were a couple of references to it at the beginning, but then it seemed to trail off, and stopped being mentioned at all. I loved it as an opening, don't get me wrong - but I really think it ought to have cast more of a shadow over future events.

Having said all that and started to feel vaguely guilty about doing so, I would like to point out that I do like the story in general, and Octa in particular. Also, when I read the words 'Nurse Despair' it was all I could do to stop myself from shouting them really loudly in a samurai voice, because it seemed the right thing to do. I'm not sure if that warrants a mention here, but it was a positive reaction (I think), so I've included it anyway.

Anyway, whatever directions you go in next with this story, I shall be waiting... and watching. Always watching.

F.A.B.
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  #10    
Old November 13th, 2011, 02:33 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
This is very interesting, actually. I have to admit, it didn't seem that way at the start, but once the outer narrative peeled away like so much orange skin and revealed the actual story itself, it very quickly became engaging. There was a nice calm beginning - in fact, it was almost too saccharine for my taste - and then, very abruptly and with no reason, you hit the reader over the head with the slaughter of Boreas' entire family. Narratively speaking, that's great, though of course it's a terrible tragedy (more so than you make it out to be, though I think I'll come back to that).

There are, however, ways in which I think the story could be improved. First off, there's just a boring formatting thing: the text is tiny. I don't have a problem with that on a page, but on a computer screen it's really quite tiring for the eyes after a while.
Thanks for the in-depth review. I will post them in a bigger font from now on.

Quote:
Secondly, battles. It may be your intention to play them down - the story certainly doesn't seem to be battle-focused at all - but they are, to put it bluntly, on the dull side of bland. The battle against the Plasma grunts, for instance:

It reads more like a summary of a battle than an actual battle, and even if, as it seems to be, the story is more about Boreas' experiences than about battling, it's too short and too vague, and ends up leaving the reader feeling vaguely dissatisfied. Even given the limited number of attacks the Pokémon currently have, it would be nice to see some more specifics. Also, given the amount of characterisation you give each Pokémon, it seems odd that a lone Purrloin would attack a Lillipup and an Eevee without question. I mean, it's outnumbered, isn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it feels like the personalities you work hard to build up on your characters fall away when they go into battle, and they become mindless fighting machines again. The only battle where this didn't happen, and consequently the most interesting one, was against that annoying Youngster-type, whose irksome words outlast his name in my memory. Boreas' personality didn't entirely disappear then, which I quite liked; there was some interaction between his mind and the battle, rather than it just being a series of actions.
Yes, I hadn't really decided on a good way to do the battles yet at this point and as a result they're rather boring. I fully agree with what you said, but from chapter 7 onwards the battles will begin improving a lot as Boreas will rely more on trickery and intelligence then on simple attacks.

Quote:
Oh yeah, and there was one specific bit that irritated me a bit:

If Boreas has lived all his life in a burrow in the middle of a forest, I sincerely doubt he'd even have known any of those words existed, let alone what they meant. I get the joke, but it's kind of spoiled by the fact that it's impossible for him to make it.
You're right of course. It's mainly just the Rule of Funny that he's using those words. Though I suppose he could've picked them up from Octa, who he's just talked to for more than an hour.

Quote:
I really can't put it off any longer now, so I suppose I'll get right to it; 'it', in this case, being Boreas' late family. The issue is simply that he gets over them too fast. You haven't mentioned it specifically, but it seems to me that Boreas is fairly young - or at least, he is at the time of the main story. Someone of his age - or indeed, anyone with a heart in their chest and blood in their veins - shouldn't get over the wholesale butchery of their family that quickly. There were a couple of references to it at the beginning, but then it seemed to trail off, and stopped being mentioned at all. I loved it as an opening, don't get me wrong - but I really think it ought to have cast more of a shadow over future events.
The truth is, he isn't over it yet. It's just not what he's dealing with right now. But the issue will pop up several times in the future, and it'll take months and almost twenty chapters for him to really get over it. You're probably right that I should've shown his grief more, but at this point I had just started the story and didn't want readers to think the entire story would be one big depressed whine-fest, as could've been the impression if I showed a more realistic amount of grief. I handled another loss Boreas will suffer later on quite differently, letting it lead several chapters following it to become very dark and depressed chapters.

Quote:
Having said all that and started to feel vaguely guilty about doing so, I would like to point out that I do like the story in general, and Octa in particular. Also, when I read the words 'Nurse Despair' it was all I could do to stop myself from shouting them really loudly in a samurai voice, because it seemed the right thing to do. I'm not sure if that warrants a mention here, but it was a positive reaction (I think), so I've included it anyway.

Anyway, whatever directions you go in next with this story, I shall be waiting... and watching. Always watching.

F.A.B.
Thanks. Don't feel guilty about the criticism, it's very useful. And I'm glad you like my alternative nurse-names, it's a bit of a running gag. By the way, in case you're wondering why I talk about future chapters as if they're already done, that's because they are. This story is actually up to chapter 41 already, but I have only recently began posting it here and am looking to catch it up to the newest chapter while catching a comment or two along the way.

Anyway, here's chapter seven:

Chapter Seven: Triple Trouble!
When they arrived at the Gym, Black looked as nervous as Boreas felt. The Gym was a plain grey stone building like every other building in Striaton, the only difference being that it had the word 'GYM' engraved above the door and colourful paintings of pokémon on the windows that looked very pretty with the light from inside shining through. When he reached the closed door, Black paused for a moment, breathed deeply, and entered.
To their great surprise, the door into the Gym actually led into a restaurant. People were eating all kinds of dishes at tables and waiters walked around serving them.
Do you have a reservation, sir?” Black made a little jump of start when a waiter standing next to the door spoke to him.
Uh... I think I may have taken a wrong turn somewhere.” Black explained. Then he saw Bianca sitting alone at a table, waving to him. “Or maybe not. Excuse me.” he walked to Bianca and joined her at the table.
Hey, Black,” she greeted, “cute place, huh?”
I suppose.” Black shrugged, “but I wasn't really looking for a place to eat. I want to challenge the Gym.”
Bianca chuckled. “That's good, because-”
A waiter with fiery red hair showed up next to the table. “Hi Bianca,” he lilted, “and hi, I'm Chili and I'll be your waiter this evening!” he introduced himself to Black.
I'm sorry,” Black apologised, “but I don't actually want to eat here. I'm on my way to the Gym and accidentally wandered into your restaurant.”
Bianca and Chili both laughed. “This IS the Gym!” Chili exclaimed, “And I'm the Gym Leader!”
Suddenly two other waiters who looked a lot like Chili aside from their hair styles stood beside him.
My name is Cress, and I'm the Gym Leader as well.” The waiter with wavy blue hair one said, “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
And I'm...” the waiter with spiky green hair said, “Uh... Cilan... And I'm... uh... The Gym Leader too.”
Great!” Chili said, grabbing a pokéball from his belt, “A challenger! Then let's get right to it!”
Cress placed his hand on Chili's shoulder. “Calm down. Regardless of whether or not this gentleman wishes to challenge the Gym, he is still our guest here so we'll serve him first.”
So this really isthe Gym?” Black asked.
Of course it is!” Chili exclaimed.
Wow, it's... Uh... Different than I expected a Gym to be like.”
That's because it's also a restaurant!” Bianca said.
Um...” Cilan said, “It actually used to be just a restaurant... But the three of us also like pokémon... And we're pretty good at battling, so...”
Pretty good?” Chili vociferated, “We're blazingly amazing!”
I agree with Chili's assessment.” Cress spoke. “But this is no time to discuss battling. We shall bring you our menu charts, and four pokémon chairs so you companions can join you.”
And... Um... After dinner...”
It's time to battle! Burn, baby, burn!”

After Boreas finished eating his delicious lasagna, he saw how much of the sauce was still left on the plate and tried to start licking it off when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “Please, my dear fellow, I implore you not to start licking off your plate. Have some respect for civilisation and the basic table manners that come with it.”
But I still have sauce left.” Boreas pouted.
Nevertheless, Attila the Hun would have considered the way you ate the rest a disgrace. Don't make it even worse.”
Boreas sighed. “Okay.”
Octa sipped from his glass of wine. “Oh, and incidentally, you've got sauce in your fur.”
Boreas wiped his face with his paws. “Better?”
Worse.” Octa said, “you spread it out.”
Eventually Boreas got the sauce off his face and Octa finished his small glass of wine, making a big show of tasting it to Black's great amusement. “Why are you drinking that stuff anyway?” Boreas asked, “It smells vile.”
I beg your pardon? I drink it, for wine is what makes the difference between supper and dinner and between lunch and luncheon.”
What about breakfast?”
Well, I suppose it also makes the difference between breakfast and alcoholism, but that is beside the point.”
The moment everyone was done eating, Chili stood beside the table. “It's time to battle!”
Black, Octa, and Boreas stood up. “All right. Cilan, I challenge you to a battle!” Black said.
Uh... Me?” Cilan said surprised.
I'm afraid you misunderstand.” Cress spoke, “Cilan is not the only Gym Leader. But all three of us are. Therefore you don't challenge one of us, but all three.”
All three?” Black asked.
Yeah!” Chili rabbited, “And we get to decide whom you battle! And as you have a Snivy, the Fire-type scorcher Chili -that's me- will be your opponent!”
Fire?” Octa almost looked scared for a moment, before regaining his composure. “Hmpf, Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.”
Grass-types like you are weak to fire, aren't you?” Boreas asked.
Yes, thank you, I know that.” Octa sneered.
That messes up our plan, doesn't it?”
When you have finished kicking in open doors, maybe you can start making useful contributions.”
Boreas was getting quite fed up with Octa's sudden irritability. “Look, don't vent it on me if you're scared!”
Octa sniffed haughtily. “Frightened? I'm not frightened, not in the least! I laugh in the face of fear and tweak the nose of terror!”
Good.” Boreas sneered, “Then stop whining and help think of some way to win this.”
Black stood up from the table. “Then I challenge you to a battle. Type disadvantage or not, I will win.”
Then it's time to burninate!” Chili shouted, quickly drawing a pokéball. “Prepare to-”
Not yet.” Cress stopped him. “First we clear a space for the battle. Help me move some tables.”
The three siblings and the other waiters cleared a roughly circular space about six metres across. With the space cleared, the rest of the restaurant was packed tightly with tables. Dinner guests were getting interested in the upcoming battle and moved to the tables around the circle. Boreas was getting very nervous as he realised that with Octa weak against fire, the battle's result would depend on him. He really hoped he would fail only a little, instead of the horrible and embarrassing failure that seemed so much more likely.
When the circle had been cleared, Black and Chili stood on opposite ends of it. Cress stood to the side of the circle. “I will be the judge of this battle.” he spoke, “The challenger and Gym Leader Chili shall both use two pokémon. They are not allowed to use items, and a pokémon that has been switched out counts as having been defeated. Begin the battle!”
YEEEEEOOOOW!!!” Chili yelled as he tossed his pokéball, “Time to play with FIRE!!!”
As a Lillipup was released from Chili's pokéball, Black ordered Octa to battle. “Octa, show him what you've got!”
Octa saluted his foe with an elaborate bow. “With pleasure.”
Though Boreas realised it was better strategy to have Octa battle Chili's Lillipup and Boreas whatever fire-type he used, he didn't like it at all. A Lillipup didn't seem like such a threat, for even if this one turned out to be very powerful, at least he knew what to expect. While he could only picture his opponent as some scary, large flamy entity that wanted to eat him. He shivered and brushed against Black's leg.
Cinder!” Chili ordered, “Start off with Work Up!”
Octa, Growth!” Black ordered.
As Cinder did a few quick pacing exercises and fake attacks, Octa stood serenely still with his eyes closed as long vines grew from his hands and tail. After both prepared for the battle in this manner, Chili ordered Cinder to use Bite.
Octa, keep it at a distance with Vine Whip! Don't let it get to you!” Black ordered.
I'm way ahead of you, old chap.” Octa said.
As Cinder charged Octa, he tried to strike her, but with several rapid ducks she dodged Octa's vines and pounced him. Octa managed to dodge the attack by making an odd sort of pirouette.
Boreas chuckled. “Are you taking up ballet now?”
As Cinder turned around to try again, Octa's tail vine hit her hard, and Boreas cheered for him. Cinder did a feintto the left, and gave Octa a nasty bite on the arm as he moved to dodge it. With a yelp, he slapped her with his vines and followed it up with a Leaf tornado that only slightly hit her. The two combatants circled each other, both very alert and ready to dodge the other's attack and follow it up with their own. When it became apparent after a few seconds of this that neither was going to attack first, Octa smiled. “We shall see whom has the most patience, shan't we?”
Cinder!” Chili shouted, “Bite it, now!”
As Cinder lunged to bite Octa, he dodged it with a quick roll and countered with Vine Whips from all three vines. Cinder collapsed when the hits connected. “Gym Leader Chili's Lillipup is unable to battle. The score is 1-0 in favour of challenger Black.” Cress announced.
Great job, Octa!” Boreas cheered as Octa bowed to the applauding audience.
Woohoo!” Bianca wooped, “That showed him!”
It's not over yet!” Chili shouted, “One more left, this is where I give it my all! Go, Trogdor!”
The arrogant, prideful manner Octa had adopted after beating Cinder made way for obvious fear as Chili threw his pokéball and a Pansear appeared. “I shall endeavour to tire it, my dear fellow,” Octa said, “but I'm afraid you shall have to do the main battling.”
Octa, show the monkey who's boss with Vine Whip!”
Trogdor, start off with Work Up!”
As Trogdor did some exercises his whorled, flamelike hair glowed with fiery energy. Octa whipped him with his vines, but he hardly reacted. Boreas swallowed a lump in his throat. Then Trogdor spit a beam of flames at Octa, who was engulfed by them. When the smoke subsided, Octa was still standing, though charred and in obvious pain. “Not bad. You might actually stand a small chance against my friend.”
Trogdor spit fire at Octa again, but he dodged it and rapidly slithered behind Trogdor and slapped him on the back of the head, obviously aiming to annoy rather than hurt. “Then again, that may just be wishful thinking.”
Octa rapidly slithered away to dodge another Incinerate. “Come on, I haven't got all day, you know. I'd like you to beat me so I can enjoy watching Boreas utterly vanquish you.”
Nimbly dodging Pansear's flames to slap him again: “If you can't even defeat a grass-type such as me, what chance do you have against him?”
But as Octa slapped Trogdor in the back of the head, he turned around very fast, grabbed a hold of Octa, and threw him to the ground, immediately following it up with another Incinerate that completely engulfed him.
Octa!” Boreas gasped.
When the attack finished, Octa lay on the ground, seared and still smouldering. “He's all yours, my dear fellow.” he coughed.
Challenger Black's Snivy is unable to battle. The score is 1-1. The next knock-out wins the battle!”
Boreas,” Black said as he picked up Octa, “It's your turn. Do your best!”
Feeling like a piece of ore about to enter the blast furnace, Boreas stepped forward. Trogdor spit a beam of fire at him, and though it was easy to dodge the heat he still felt from it scared Boreas. As he charged Trogdor, the monkey shot another beam of fire at him, but this time he had no chance to dodge. The flames' heat was terrible, searing his fur and making him hurt all over. He continued charging with tears of pain in his eyes as Trogdor got ready for another Incinerate. He tried to tackle Trogdor, but the monkey easily dodged him and countered with another painful beam of fire. Boreas realised that he would never win the battle like this. Sand, he thought, I need to do a sand-attack. But inside the clean restaurant there was obviously no sand around. Then he saw something and had an idea.
He sprinted away from his opponent, to the empty fighting circle's edge and jumped on a table, startling its occupants into dropped their drinks all over themselves.
Boreas!” Black called, “Get back into the circle!”
But Boreas' plan was working: Trogdor followed him and jumped onto the table. The moment he landed, Boreas swept a pawful of macaroni from one of the plates into his opponents eyes in a blinding Macaroni-Attack. Trogdor was so surprised that he lost his balance and fell backwards off the table, so Boreas jumped off after him as the table's occupants cursed. He landed on top of Trogdor with the vertical equivalent of a Tackle and scratched him good with his claws before Trogdor managed to kick him off. Instead of running back into the empty circle though, Boreas ran under the tables, using the seated people's legs for cover. Between the cover and the macaroni stinging in his eyes Trogdor didn't even remotely hit Boreas, only succeeding in searing tablecloths and trousers. When he reached a certain table, Boreas jumped up and dug his claws into the tablecloth, dragging it off the table as Trogdor reached him, so that the large bowl of tamato soup on the table fell all over him.
When Trogdor slowly lifted up the tomato bowl, Boreas immediately Tackled him down. That was the last straw after being dowsed with tamato soup: Trogdor didn't get up. It took a moment before Cress managed to get a clear view of the situation under the table, but then he proclaimed: “Gym Leader Chili's Pansear is unable to battle! Challenger Black has won the match with a score of 2-1!”
I did it! Boreas thought, as happy as a mouse who has just found a tunnel into a cheese factory. He appeared from under the table and was picked up and hugged by Black. “Great work, Boreas! We won!”
Boreas remained in Black's arms as Octa, looking a lot better after drinking some fresh water, joined him there. “Excellent work, my dear fellow. That was quite a clever trick you used. 'Tis a shame I didn't think of it myself.”
As Cress and Cilan calmed down the angry patrons whose food had been used as a weapon or whose trousers had been set on fire, Chili said: “You got me. I! Am! Burned! Out! Whoo-hoo! You're on fire! Take this Gym Badge!”
He tossed a small metal badge to Black, who handily caught it. Bianca joined Black to celebrate. “That was awesome, Black! It was so cool how your pokémon just, like, defeated his! I was worried you might lose at several points, but you won! Hehe, Boreas, you're a crafty little guy, aren't you? I'm inspired now, I think I'll challenge Cilan when he's done apologising to that lady whose macaroni was used as a projectile. With Munny as my new team member, I think I can beat him!”
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  #11    
Old December 1st, 2011, 09:31 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
I'm back, and the first thing I'm going to suggest is that you leave a blank line between each paragraph, purely for the sake of my and the other readers' eyes.

Nextly, which is not actually a word, I'm going to get onto an actual review of this latest chapter. First off, I liked the way Boreas won; battles are at their best when off-the-wall tactics are used to win them. It definitely marks an upward swing in the way you handle battles, that much is for certain.

I still think the battle's writing itself was a little wooden, though. You've got short, dull sentences that tell you what's happening without giving any sense of the energy of the fight. I think you can solve the problems by simply making them a bit more interesting; for instance, this:

Quote:
The flames' heat was terrible, searing his fur and making him hurt all over. He continued charging with tears of pain in his eyes as Trogdor got ready for another Incinerate.
could be this:

Quote:
The flames washed over him in a wave of blistering pain, searing his fur and forcing his eyes shut - but Boreas didn't stop; he kept charging, tears pricking at his eyes, as more fire gathered in the corners of Trogdor's mouth. Through the pain, he realised there was another Incinerate on the way...
Basically, I'm recommending more expressive language and more detail with it. It'll make the battle scenes much more interesting.

Right. Major complaint out of the way. Now for the little stuff:

Quote:
“So this really isthe Gym?” Black asked.
You missed a space on the bolded bit.

Quote:
“I agree with Chili's assessment.” Cress spoke.
That should be a comma after 'assessment'. You've made that mistake several times.

Quote:
Cinder did a feintto the left
Another space missed.

Quote:
with several rapid ducks she dodged Octa's vines and pounced him
Missing an 'on' or 'at', perchance?

Quote:
“Yes, thank you, I know that.” Octa sneered
Not sure if 'sneered' is really the right word here. Perhaps 'said quellingly' might work better. Also, you did that thing with a full stop instead of a comma again.

Quote:
Between the cover and the macaroni stinging in his eyes Trogdor didn't even remotely hit Boreas
That makes sense, but it's a bit odd; 'remotely' wouldn't usually be used in this context. 'didn't manage to land a hit' or something similar would be better. 'Remotely' is more usually used with something less tangible than hitting someone, like an idea or a geographical location. I'm explaining that really badly, so I'm going to pretend I never said it and move on.

The ending was a bit weak, I thought. Not awful, just a little weak; it could have ended on a slightly more dramatic line than 'with Munny as my new team member, I think I can beat him!' Eh, I'm being nitpicky.

All in all, though, the battle ideas are getting more interesting, and the story continues to be not only worth the time spent reading it but also a source of enjoyment. Oh yeah, and as a habitual maker of jokes and suchlike, I really liked this:

Quote:
“I beg your pardon? I drink it, for wine is what makes the difference between supper and dinner and between lunch and luncheon.”
“What about breakfast?”
“Well, I suppose it also makes the difference between breakfast and alcoholism, but that is beside the point.”
Mm. That's a good joke, and the Cutlerine likes it. And apparently he talks about himself in the third person.

As ever, I await the next chapter.

F.A.B.
__________________

For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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  #12    
Old December 2nd, 2011, 02:35 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
I'm back, and the first thing I'm going to suggest is that you leave a blank line between each paragraph, purely for the sake of my and the other readers' eyes.
Okay, I will. And thanks for the comment; it reminded me I needed to post some chapters here or I'll never catch up.

Quote:
Nextly, which is not actually a word, I'm going to get onto an actual review of this latest chapter. First off, I liked the way Boreas won; battles are at their best when off-the-wall tactics are used to win them. It definitely marks an upward swing in the way you handle battles, that much is for certain.

I still think the battle's writing itself was a little wooden, though. You've got short, dull sentences that tell you what's happening without giving any sense of the energy of the fight. I think you can solve the problems by simply making them a bit more interesting; for instance, this:

could be this:



Basically, I'm recommending more expressive language and more detail with it. It'll make the battle scenes much more interesting.
Glad you liked it. And now that I look at your improved version of that sentence, that is indeed much better. I'm not sure if I ever improved on this point myself, but I will try to write the battles more expressively from now on (chapter 42).

Quote:
Right. Major complaint out of the way. Now for the little stuff:

That should be a comma after 'assessment'. You've made that mistake several times.
I used to be all over the place with commas and periods around quotation marks. Eventually I deducted the proper rules, but that won't be until around chater 20. Not quite sure of the exact chapter, but I know it was before chapter 25.

Quote:
As ever, I await the next chapter.

F.A.B.
Thanks, I hope you like it.

Part Two: The Daycare, the Thieves, and the Scientist

Chapter Eight: Dire Difficulties at the Day Care, Part One

The morning after their victorious Gym battles, Black and Bianca left Striaton City immediately, only stopping to leave a message for Cheren with Nurse Despair. For the first day's travel Route 3 was a straight, paved road with short and neatly trimmed grass to the sides. But as they approached the hills it led to, the road roughened, becoming less neat and showing cracks where trees had dug their roots under it. The grassland on both sides of the road gave way for a forest that looked rougher every day. After several days it became clear that Route 3 was hardly ever travelled upon, as not a single vehicle or even other pedestrians passed them. When they entered the hills, the road stopped pretending to be a road at all and just became a rough, unpaved, winding trail between the forested hills. Small streams coming from the hills would cross the trail, and sometimes a dead tree blocked it. They saw a lot of wild pokémon, but neither Bianca nor Black managed to capture any.

After a week's travel through steadily increasing wilderness it seemed like they were completely in the middle of nowhere. So it was rather surprising when suddenly five people in red clothing jumped out of the bushes around the road. Their pokémon jumped out along with them, surrounding Black, Bianca, and their pokémon.

“Eep!” Bianca shrieked, “Don't hurt us!”

“W-what do you want?” Black stuttered.

Boreas growled at the pokémon, but they growled back, so he stopped.

“That's just what we were going to ask you.” one of them said.

“We're just travelling to Nacrene.”

“Via Route 3?”

“How else?”

“If they need to go to Nacrene, most people take the Subway or the highway.”

“What does it matter? We're just travelling on the road, so let us go!”

“Come with us.”

“No. Why?”

“Because you don't have a choice. If you're not pokémon thieves you have nothing to fear.”

They could do nothing but follow their captors. They were taken through the forest, and eventually entered a large open estate and seemed to be heading to the large wooden buildings in the middle. A few pokémon and trainers were playing or training on the estate, eyeing them angrily as they passed. Their captors made them enter the largest of the buildings, which turned out to be a large, comfy house on the inside.

“Nestor! Getrude! We may have caught some pokémon thieves!” the leader of their captors shouted.

“We're not pokémon thieves,” Black grumbled for the umptillionth time, “we were just passing by.”

An old couple wearing overalls entered the room. “Well, well, well.” The old lady pointed, “what have we here? Come to steal people's pokémon again, haven't you?”

“No, we haven't! We were just passing by over the road when these people suddenly jumped out of the bushes and forced us to come here.”

“What were you doing there if you weren't planning to kidnap the pokémon here?”

“We are trainers on a journey to defeat all Gym Leaders. We have earned the Trio badge in Striaton
City, so now we're going to Nacrene, and frankly I had no idea that walking past a place nowadays means you're a pokémon thief."

“So you're saying you aren't with Team Plasma?”

“Team Plasma? Have they been stealing pokémon?”

The old couple nodded. ““I suppose we'll have to consider you innocent until proven guilty.” the old man said, “I'm sorry about troubling you like this, but we have no choice, y'see.”

“Hmpf,” the old lady said, “I suppose you may be innocent, but we'll keep an eye on you while you're here.”

The trainers that had captured them apologised and left. “Okay,” Black sighed, “now it's our turn to ask a question: who are you, what's going on here, and what has Team Plasma been up to?”

“You see, this here's a pokémon daycare. We have been running it for forty years now. Trainers bring their pokémon to us, and we'll take care of them and train them for a while. Sometimes the trainers themselves stay around to help us or to just have a vacation with their pokémon, if they don't stay we charge some fees. Some trainers have us take care of their pokémon to give them some rest, some to train them, and some to breed their pokémon. Anyway, about two months ago an old Dutchman named Rood visited us. I gave him a tour of the daycare and asked if he wanted us to raise any of his pokémon, but then he started arguing with me. He said all these pokémon were captives and slaves, and that the young born here would live their entire lives in captivity unless something was done about it. He asked me to release all the pokémon here, especially newborns, into the wild. Of course, I politely refused and told him that while he made some good arguments I didn't agree.”

The daycare lady nodded. “That's when the trouble started. A few days after that crazy Dutch bastard had stomped off, he returned with some lackeys. They referred to him as “Sage” Rood, and he said he was one of the leaders of an organisation named Team Plasma, and that he would ask us politely to set the pokémon free one more time before they would take matters into their own hands. So we told him that the pokémon here weren't even ours, so that it wasn't our choice to make and that threats would take them nowhere. A few days later they raided us, took a dozen pokémon and four eggs.” her eyes were getting misty, “It was so heart-breaking when their trainers came back for them and we had to tell them. We greatly improved security around here, and everyone who works here now takes shifts patrolling the estate, but it's not enough. Every week or so, they manage to kidnap a pokémon or steal an egg, b-but-” as though as the daycare lady seemed, she was breaking up in tears now.

Her husband put a hand on her shoulder. “Calm down, dear. We tried to find their hideout, of course, and to call for help, but they are too good at hiding and we're too far away from everything for much help to arrive. First they only kidnapped the pokémon, but two weeks ago, they actually crossed the line into killing them: an egg disappeared, and we found it's broken and empty shell not too far away. That's happened every night since then: an egg or cub disappears, and we find the remains.” he was breaking up too now, “I-I just don't understand it. Why would anyone kill a young pokémon? Especially when they claim to be setting them free? I-I just don't think we can continue running the daycare if this goes on, it wouldn't be right. If this continue, the only thing we can do is close shop.”

“Bloody Plasma,” Black seethed, “what they tried to do in Striaton was one thing, but stealing and killing pokémon? I don't care about your inhospitable welcome, I'm not letting them get away with this! I'm going to help you catch them.”

“Th-thank you, but they cover their tracks well. It won't be easy.”

“We'll have to try. You said they always come at night. So I'll wait for the early morning, when the trail is fresh. Maybe we can follow them, or perhaps my Eevee can pick up their scent. Bianca, are you helping too?”

After a moment's doubt, Bianca agreed. “Yes. You're right, we have to catch them. So what do we do until morning?”

“Feel free to rest and have fun here until then.” The daycare lady chirped, “We'll have dinner ready at seven and you're welcome to join us, other than that you can do whatever you want. That goes for your pokémon too.”

Octa nudged Boreas. “My dear fellow, don't you think it's odd that Plasma should kill juveniles and destroy eggs? I mean, think about it, it seems to conflict with their stated goals.”

“What do you mean?” Boreas asked.

“It seems to me that, while Plasma is quite obviously responsible for the kidnapped pokémon, the dying juveniles don't sound like the work of humans. Why would they destroy eggs and only leave the scales? I would rather attribute those events to a predatory pokémon taking advantage of all the humans here being too busy protecting the daycare from Team Plasma to protect against predators as well.”

Raging, boiling anger at the predator preying on the young boiled up in Boreas. “You're right! It must be some cowardly predatory monster that preys on those who are too weak to fight back. I can't wait for tomorrow when we go after them, I'll show them!”

“Calm yourself down, my dear fellow, we aren't going to trail our hypothetical predator, we have to find Team Plasma.”

“Team Plasma can wait. The predator that killed the young will pay for what they did!”

“These are not the same pokémon that killed your family.”

“I KNOW!” Boreas shouted.

“Seeking a misplaced vengeance against them shan't help us, then, nor would it be advisable to do so even if we didn't have better things to do.”

“But we can't just let them go, they're the same kind of lowlife murdering bastards as the Zangeese that killed my family! We can't just let those evil cowards go!”

“To prey upon the weaker members of a species is not cowardice, it is quite simply good tactics. A predator who preyed only upon prey that has a good chance of killing him would not live long.”

Boreas couldn't believe what he was hearing. “Are you actually defending them?”

“No, I am merely making you put things into perspective to prevent you from seeking out vengeance. When your parents returned home from hunting with meat, do you think they bravely killed a mighty Salamence? Of course not, they will have preyed upon something weak, like Patrat or Zigzagoon. They will likely have sought out weaker members of those species such as the young and the sick-”

“DON'T YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT MY PARENTS!” Boreas shouted.

Octa was getting rather vexed himself. “I am not insulting your parents, I am simply speaking the truth to prevent you from acting like an imbecile. What do you think the meat humans make and feed you is made from? They herd Miltank and Tauros, essentially making the hunt incredibly easy and riskless for themselves. I understand you are upset, but please think about it. One can't live without eating, you can hardly blame them for that.”

Logic and anger duelled in Boreas' head. While Octa's words were sensible and logical he just couldn't accept them. “No. You're wrong about it all. Whoever is eating those eggs and young is an evil coward, and so were the Zangeese that killed my family, and I will make them pay for what they have done!”

Octa gave Boreas a disdainful look. “How disappointing. I had thought you were more intelligent than that, despite your uncertain ancestry. But perhaps I was mistaken.”

“Just shut up, you arrogant git, and stop insulting my family!”

“Hmpf, perhaps my great-aunt Galaxia is right. Perhaps one blessed with good ancestry such as me really shouldn't mingle with common pokémon like you! Good day!” Furious at each other, they walked off in different directions.

Last edited by apenpaap; December 27th, 2011 at 03:26 AM.
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  #13    
Old December 4th, 2011, 01:03 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Ooh, I liked that. Octa expounds the Law of the Jungle, and Mowgli Boreas refuses to accept it. Nice. The only thing I would point out about that exchange is that Boreas' parents being a Jolteon and a Leafeon, it seems slightly odd that they'd hunt Patrat or Lillipup. I always envisioned the Eevee line as being predators on a much smaller scale - insects, mice, stoats, that sort of thing.

But that isn't really that important. You're still abusing the poor old comma with regard to direct speech, but since you've said that that changes at Chapter 20, we'll say no more about it; also, when you wrote this:

Quote:
Eventually I deducted the proper rules
you actually mean this:

Quote:
Eventually I deduced the proper rules
'Deducted' means 'subtracted'; 'deduced' means 'figured out'. Deducting rules is an interesting concept, but I don't think that's what you were trying to say. Anyway, back to the chapter.

Quote:
“We are trainers on a journey to defeat all Gym Leaders. We have earned the Trio badge in Striaton
City, so now we're going to Nacrene, and frankly I had no idea that walking past a place nowadays means you're a pokémon thief."
There's a weird line break in the middle of this bit.

Quote:
Black grumbled for the umptillionth time
You mean 'umpteenth', which means exactly what you're trying to say with 'umptillionth' and has the added benefit of being a real word.

Also, I've noticed that you don't capitalise the word Pokémon, but you do capitalise individual species (Lillipup, Eevee, etc.) It doesn't matter whether you capitalise or not, but it's considered good writing style to be consistent, i.e. if you capitalise Pokémon, you should capitalise species names, and vice versa. Just something to be aware of.

One more point about consistency: if Pokémon only disappear in the night, why do the Day-Care people think that Bianca and Black (who presumably are travelling by day) are Pokémon thieves? Wouldn't it make more sense to assume they were Trainers?

Quote:
an old Dutchman named Rood
Have I mentioned before how much I love the fact that Rood is Dutch? If I haven't, I need to do it now. I LOVE THE FACT THAT ROOD IS DUTCH! There. Did it.

Quote:
The morning after their victorious Gym battles, Black and Bianca left Striaton City immediately, only stopping to leave a message for Cheren with Nurse Despair
'Victorious' is used a bit weirdly here. You might want to consider saying 'The morning after their victories in their Gym battles' or something.

On an entirely unrelated note, Nurse Despair.

Quote:
So it was rather surprising when suddenly five people in red clothing jumped out of the bushes around the road.
Nothing wrong with this sentence; I just like the idea that there were five people lying in ambush. All day.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of right now. As ever, I look forwards to the next chapter. Cutlerine, out.

F.A.B.
__________________

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  #14    
Old December 4th, 2011, 01:53 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
Ooh, I liked that. Octa expounds the Law of the Jungle, and Mowgli Boreas refuses to accept it. Nice. The only thing I would point out about that exchange is that Boreas' parents being a Jolteon and a Leafeon, it seems slightly odd that they'd hunt Patrat or Lillipup. I always envisioned the Eevee line as being predators on a much smaller scale - insects, mice, stoats, that sort of thing.
I tend to base their life cycle and habits in the wild off those of foxes, so I imagine them catching a large variety of prey, including smallish mammals like Patrat and Lillipup.

Quote:
Also, I've noticed that you don't capitalise the word Pokémon, but you do capitalise individual species (Lillipup, Eevee, etc.) It doesn't matter whether you capitalise or not, but it's considered good writing style to be consistent, i.e. if you capitalise Pokémon, you should capitalise species names, and vice versa. Just something to be aware of.
Well, I am consistent with it: I consistently capitalise species, and don't capitalise the word pokémon. I didn't capitalise pokémon because I thought it looked wrong, even if it's technically correct (the same reason I pluralise the names of pokémon), but why I didn't do that for individual species I can't remember. But, as you mentioned, I should remain consistent about it and it's too late to change that now.

Quote:
One more point about consistency: if Pokémon only disappear in the night, why do the Day-Care people think that Bianca and Black (who presumably are travelling by day) are Pokémon thieves? Wouldn't it make more sense to assume they were Trainers?
Because it's evening, so they could be Team Plasma grunts about to attack or using the light of day to do some reconaissance.

Quote:
Have I mentioned before how much I love the fact that Rood is Dutch? If I haven't, I need to do it now. I LOVE THE FACT THAT ROOD IS DUTCH! There. Did it.
Jolly good. We'll see some other nationalities pass by with the other Sages too.

Quote:
On an entirely unrelated note, Nurse Despair.
I like my nurse names better than the way the anime has every nurse in the world be named Joy and be clones of each other.

Quote:
Nothing wrong with this sentence; I just like the idea that there were five people lying in ambush. All day.
They were pokémon rangers who were searching around the wilderness, trying to find tracks of Team Plasma to find their hideout, or to catch grunts. They didn't hide into the bushes until they heard Black and Bianca coming.

Quote:
Anyway, that's about all I can think of right now. As ever, I look forwards to the next chapter. Cutlerine, out.
Thanks for another well-thought-out and in-depth review. Here's chapter nine:

Chapter Nine: Predator

“Wake up, Boreas!” a voice spoke, awakening Boreas from a dreamless sleep. “Team Plasma has taken a Pidove, if we leave now we may be able to trail them.”

Boreas opened his eyes and saw Black looking both sleepy and agitated at the same time trying to awaken him. Boreas got up and followed Black outside, where it was still completely dark, though the sky had a slight shade of dark blue instead of black. Octa gave him a cold stare and for a moment Boreas couldn't quite remember what his problem was and why he felt like he should return the Snivy's stare. Then he remembered and his heart pounded with anger.

No. he thought, trying to keep his anger under control, He's giving me that calm, icy anger. I'll show him I can do that too.

He managed to keep a poker face, hiding his anger and returning Octa's haughty stare without a word. Yet aside from the anger, he also felt some regret. He couldn't help thinking that Octa was at least partially right and that he was being irrational and should just apologise to his friend.

He's not my friend! Boreas angrily thought, and even if he were right, I'm not apologising to him after he insulted me and my family. He's the one who should be apologising.

I was rather stubborn and stupid, though. And maybe we really should focus on Team Plasma, rather than some predator.

No way! Team Plasma only kidnaps pokémon, while the predator actually kills them, like they did to Mum and Dad! I can't let them get away with it!


Following Black, they had reached one of the stables, where Bianca, who looked like she was sleeping standing upright, and her pokémon seemed to be investigating. “Bianca,” Black asked, “have you found a trail yet?”

“Buh!” Bianca startled, “Oh, it's you. No, we haven't. Just the place where it happened.”

The spot was littered with grey feathers and bloodstains. “Perhaps Boreas can smell Plasma's trail.” Black said.

“I wouldn't count on it.” Octa spoke with an icy edge to his voice.

Boreas furiously turned to him to tell him to shut up, but caught himself, remembering to stay as calm as Octa was. Octa gave him an infuriatingly arrogant grin, but he managed to stay calm and just started smelling around, trying to pick up a scent. Apart from the Pidove, he could smell a faint whiff that smelt a bit like burning.

“To prevent us from chasing after something blindly,” Octa spoke to Oshy, “like some simple impulsive fool who doesn't have his emotions under control, let us ask the other pokémon here if they saw something.”

While Boreas tried to ignore Octa and find the scent of their enemy and Black and Bianca tried to find other clues with their flashlights and Munny's Flash, the other pokémon interrogated the other pokémon in the stable. It soon turned out only one of them, a Torchic, had seen anything as she had awakened a moment before the Pidove had been killed. “Oh, it was horrible! It was completely dark, but then a blinking set of monstrous teeth flashed, and bit right through his throat! And before I could even cry out in shock, both had disappeared into the darkness!”

“It must've been Giratina!” a Linoone cried.

“It's come to take us all to the Distortion World!”

“Oh, Arceus help us!”

“We're going to die! Or worse!”

“Calm down, gentlemen.” Octa said, “Those who can't control their emotions in favour of logic are, after all, a danger to themselves and others. To assume that Giratina itself appeared here to eat a simple Pidove when a much more mundane predator might have done the same is, quite frankly, almost as silly as someone pursuing vengeance against a person who has never even wronged them, for something that another did.”

“Oshy,” Boreas said, grappling with keeping a calm appearance like someone grapples with a lost piece of soap in the bath, “would you please tell our local narcissistic windbag to shut his self-absorbed mouth and stop distracting me while I'm trying to bring justice to someone who clearly deserves it.”

“Yes Oshy,” Octa said, “and while you're at it, could you tell a certain unrefined simpleton to do something productive instead of attempting to avenge his poorly-bred family by killing someone who wasn't even remotely responsible for their deaths?”

Boreas wanted to respond, but Puppy interrupted him. “Look, would you two like to be left alone for a while so you can talk this out?”

“No.” both firmly said.

“At least you agree on that,” Puppy sighed. “Stop drawing Oshy and me into your quarrel.”

Continuing to search for a trail, Boreas finally caught a faint whiff of the familiar odour that hang around in the stable too. He called the humans, and they followed him as he followed the faint trail across the clearing. Black stopped when he noticed Octa wasn't following. “Octa, don't be afraid! Come on!”

“Afraid?” Octa sniffed haughtily, “I'm not afraid, you just shan't find Plasma following him.”

“Yes,” Black said as he picked Octa up and put him on his shoulder, “you're right. It'll be dangerous, but we have to go on. We won't let them get away with what they've done.”

“That's not what- Hmpf, fine.”

The trail quickly led into the forest. Occasionally a feather would lie on the ground, clearly showing they were still on the right track. As they followed the trail through the forest, the sky slowly turned dark blue and then orange. Finally, in a tiny clearing, they saw the dark shape of a Houndour eating from a dead Pidove.

“A Houndour?” Black whispered in surprise, “Then this wasn't the work of Plasma? That was a waste of- Boreas, come back!”

A crimson wave of burning rage flooded Boreas' mind, he hated the Houndour with a burning passion like a supernova and the only thing he wanted to do was to hurt the Houndour, rip its throat out, and kill it to avenge all that he'd lost. He ran out from the cover of the foliage at the eating Houndour, who only heard him coming at the last moment and let off a surprised “What-” before Boreas Tackled into its side, knocking him away from the prey and down to the ground. Before the Houndour could react, Boreas jumped onto it, trying to dig his short claws into its flesh and bite its neck to deliver the killing blow.

A moment before Boreas' jaws would have closed around the Houndour's throat it managed to stop him with its paws. No matter how hard Boreas struggled in his insane rage, the Houndour was about twice as big and heavy as Boreas, so it managed to keep him away from its throat and throw him off in the ensuing struggle.

“What the hell did I ever do to you?” The Houndour roared, “Or do you just have a death wish?”

Boreas didn't say anything, but just tried to kill the Houndour again in blind fury, but this time it easily saw him coming and bit Boreas' leg painfully hard in defence.

“Octa, Wrap both of them!”

Octa's vines wrapped themselves around Boreas and the Houndour, separating them forcibly. Boreas struggled against the vines, clawed against them, in a desperate attempt to reach the Houndour, but he couldn't win. Aware that he would never get to avenge his family, and that even if he did, it wouldn't really matter as it wouldn't bring them back, all his raging fury turned into sorrow, and he started crying. He was vaguely aware that Black threw a pokéball, trying to catch the Houndour, but he just didn't care any more.



It was late in the morning by the time they returned to the daycare, Boreas still crying in Black's arms. Black put him on the ground next to Octa, and said “I guess it's time to really introduce you to each other, since you've only met in battle.” He released the Houndour from its pokéball.

“Octa, Boreas, this is Lucius. Lucius, these are Octa and Boreas.”

Octa extended his hand. “A good morning to you, sir. My name is actually Octavianus, but I find that too sesquipedalian for regular usage.”

Lucius just stared at him incredulously. “What?”

“I said my name is actually-”

“Yeah, and don't you wish you hadn't? Anyway, what's the matter with that that other guy? First he tries to kill me outta the blue, and now he's snivelling.”

“My parents were killed!” Boreas wailed.

“Life is unfair, pup.” Lucius said without even a grain of the sympathy Boreas felt he deserved. “Kill yourself or get over it, but don't be whiny. Now I'm gonna find some food, so see you later.”

How can he not feel sorry for me? Boreas thought.

But perhaps he's right. Remember what Octa said about everyone needing to eat? The Zangeese and Lucius all needed to eat too. If the world's really so unfair, what use is whining about it? Maybe I really should try to get over it. I have been acting a bit whiny lately.

No! He's a murderer! And my family are all dead!

I didn't try to kill him because he preyed on the pokémon here at the daycare, though. If I'm very honest, I did really go after him out of a misplaced sense of revenge.

No! That's not true, it's because he's evil like the Zangeese!


Boreas took a few deep breaths to calm himself down and tried to be calm and reasonable. Maybe Lucius and Octa are right. It's been a month since the Zangeese attacked. I shall miss my family forever, but it's time to move on. At that moment, he wished he and Octa were still friends, so he could talk to him about it.

Octa insulted me and my family. He may have been right about some things he said, but he's still an arrogant jerk who doesn't deserve to be my friend.

Maybe I should forgive Octa and ask his foregiveness in return.

But the anger that he'd just managed to get under control slipped from his grip and refused. I'm not going to crawl back to Octa with my tail between my legs, asking for his forgiveness. Let him forgive me first. And besides, I have more important things to do first. We still haven't stopped Team Plasma from stealing more pokémon.
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  #15    
Old December 11th, 2011, 04:07 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Chapter Ten: In Pursuit of Plasma

Boreas awoke in the middle of the night by sounds of commotion outside. He had half a mind of just going back to sleep and ignoring it, but figured that if Team Plasma was stealing pokémon, they had to be stopped. He stretched and ran outside, where he was disappointed not to see Team Plasma, just a single human in dark clothes being taken to the main daycare house, struggling against his captors. The old daycare lady opened the door. “What did you have to wake me for?” she snarled.

“We caught this guy sneaking around!”

“Ah,” the old lady said, “come to steal our pokémon, haven't you?”

“No, I haven't! Let me go!” Boreas thought he recognised the voice, and when he came closer he did indeed.

“Oh yeah?” the old lady asked, “Then what were you doing sneaking around in the forest in the middle of the night?”

“I was looking for nocturnal pokémon!” Cheren said in self-defence. Boreas realised he had better go get Black or Bianca, so he ran inside to their room, opening the door by jumping up to the handle and hanging on to it.

“Wake up!” he barked, entering the room, “Cheren is here, and they think he's a pokémon thief!”

“Zzzhuh?” Black mumbled, “I know, be quiet and let me sleep.”

“No, you don't understand, Cheren is in trouble!”

“Okay, okay. If you had a nightmare, just sleep under my bed if that makes you feel safer, but let me sleep.”

“I think Boreas is trying to tell you something.” Bianca yawned.

“Yes, that's right! You. Follow. Me.” He said, doing his best to portray each word.

“Are you hungry?” Black asked.

“Oh, in the name of Dialga's diapers! Follow. Me.”

“I think he wants us to follow him.” Bianca said, prompting a sigh of relief from Boreas. As the two humans got up, Boreas led the way outside, where Cheren was still trying to prove his innocence. His face lit up when he saw Black and Bianca. “Bianca, Black! Good to see you, could you please tell these...” he swallowed the insult he was going to use after looking around, “...people, that I'm not a pokémon thief?”

“Do you know this... person?” the old lady asked.

“Him?” Black joked, “No, never saw him before.”

“But it's- Oh, no, never seen him before either.” Bianca grinned, “He looks roguish though, you'd better be very careful around him.”

“Ha ha ha.” Cheren gnarled, “Hilarious. Now stop it.”

“Yeah, he's our friend.” Black reassured the daycare lady, “I'm sure he doesn't want to steal the pokémon here.”

Cheren angrily pushed himself out of the circle of trainers. “Hmpf, what kind of thing to do to a traveller was that?”

“I'm sorry.” The old lady apologised, “we've been having a lot of trouble lately. Y'see-”

Suddenly noise and cries for help came from one of the stables. “Team Plasma!” someone gasped.

All present rushed to the stable, where two Plasma grunts were throwing pokéballs at the pokémon inside. “Quiet, stupid pokémon, we're liberating you! If you make this much noise someone'll hear you!”

The other grunt tapped his colleague on the shoulder. “Uh, Marilyn, I think they already have.”

“Palkia's plectrum!”, Marylin cursed as she looked about and saw the large group of angry trainers, “don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!”

“If it really was for their own good,” Black said, “to be separated from humans, why do they need you to forcibly “free” them? Why don't they run away by themselves? And now tell us where your hideout is.”

“I don't think so. PLASMAAAAA!” Thick black smoke filled the air as they both threw a small smoke bomb, making it impossible to see anything. When the smoke cleared after a few minutes of stumbling around in complete darkness, the Plasma grunts were nowhere to be found, though Boreas could still hear them running through the forest.

“Quick, let's go after them!”

“Wait!” Bianca said, “Black and I are still wearing pyjamas, we can't run through the forest like this!”

“Go back quickly to change then,” Cheren offered, “I'll wait for you and my Pidove can keep an eye on the others so we can follow them. As long as you tell me what the hell is going on while we're doing so.”



For several hours they followed Cheren's Pidove as she followed the other trainers through the hills. The sky was already lighting up, though it was still as dark as night between the hills, when they saw flashes of light ahead and heard the sounds of combat. When they caught up they saw the other trainers were fighting a gigantic battle against some twenty grunts. Flying pokémon dived into each other in the sky, electric and fire type's attacks lighted the battle up with flashes of light. Water and ice-type attacks refracted the glowing sky and the flashes of light in unusually pretty ways, and three dozen trainers shouted commands at the same time.

“Let's join the battle, with our help Plasma will outnumber us only slightly!” Black said, but was stopped by Cheren.

“Hang on one moment. Instead of just charging in, we should try to sneak past and attack them from the rear so we have a tactical advantage.”

“Hey, that's a smart idea!” Bianca said, “We'll just, like, walk through the woods and they shan't know a thing and we'll completely surprise them!”

“As long as you keep your mouth shut instead of making your usual noise, yes.” Cheren hushed.

“Hey! I don't make noise! You make noise! You keep your mouth shut!”

Will you be quiet?”

Black stopped the beginning quarrel. “Ladies, why don't you both shut up and follow me?”

They sneaked through the forest past the massive battle, around the daycare workers and around the grunts. When they were behind the grunts, Black said “Okay everyone, when I say yes, we all attack.”

“Black, old chap,” Octa said, “take a look at that cavern over there, it is quite clearly illuminated from the inside. It would not astonish me at all if it were Plasma's hideout.”

“Yeah Octa, you're right. You should focus on the Sandiles, as they are at a type disadvantage to you.”

With a sigh, Octa extended his tentacles, grabbed Black's head by the temples, and forcibly turned him to look at the cave. “Ouch, cut that- hey, look! There's a light in that cave, we should investigate it.”

As they neared the cave, four figures, three in grey and one in red, left it. The man in red was an old man with greying blond hair they recognised from the Dreamyard. “A few of those sukkels have managed to get through!” he said as he saw the trainers from Nuvema, “jij, jij, en jij, deal with them!”

“Right away, Sage Rood! PLASMAAAA!” The three grunts threw their pokéballs and sent out a Patrat each.

Black laughed. “Do you really think three Patrats will stop us, Rood?”

But Rood laughed too. “Of course I don't. This is just to keep you busy while I finish some administrative things I have to do. I, Rood of the Seven Sages, was once a member of the Elite Four in my homeland. I don't need the protection of grunts.” His smile broadened when he saw the startled faces of his opponents. “What, you didn't think this would be easy, did you? I'm going back into the cave now, I have some administrative things to take care of. When you're done with these guys feel free to come after me if you like. But be warned: I rarely lost as an Elite Four, when I battled trainers who had defeated every Gym Leader in the land. A couple of startups like you don't stand a chance. If you're wise, you'll retreat calmly, before my fire-type pokémon burn you to death.” He calmly walked back into the cave.

“Fire.” Octa mumbled, “Why does it have to be fire?”

Boreas was afraid of what would be waiting for them in the cave. They were nowhere near ready to battle an Elite Four, even if it was a three on one battle. He threw some sand into a Patrat's eyes when he had an idea.

“Oshy!” he said, “What happens when a pokéball breaks while the pokémon is inside it?”

Dodging a Tackle, Oshy replied: “The pokémon is automatically released by the pokéball in an instant... I think.”

Disappointed, Boreas continued the battle by Tackling a Patrat. Suddenly another lightbulb started burning, “But what if the releasing mechanism breaks?”

“Then the pokémon is stuck inside, unless the rest of the ball breaks too, in which case it is automatically sent to the PC.”

“Thanks!” Boreas said, and he ran off, jumping over an attacking Patrat and running between one of the grunts' legs. Black called after him to come back, but he ignored him and entered the cave. It was surprisingly small considering it was Team Plasma's hideout. In fact, it was only about ten metres before an underground river filled the rest of the cave. The only thing inside the cave was a big wooden table with a lamp on it. Rood was writing something on it. When he heard Boreas enter, he looked up.

“Oh, hallo daar, Eevee. Wat kom je hier zonder je trainer doen? Wil je door Team Plasma bevrijd worden?”

Boreas ignored the old man's unintelligible babbling, picked up the biggest stone he could hold in his front right paw, and ran at Rood.

“Wat doe je nou?”

Boreas climbed into Rood's leg, finding the six pokéballs on his belt, and before he could react, he smashed the stone sideways into the release button of one of them. A big crack appeared in the release button, sparks flew, and the tiny Camerupt inside erupted in anger, but could do nothing about it as it was now stuck inside.

“Verdomme!” Rood yelled as he jumped to his feet, Boreas hanging on to his belt, “Smerige kleine rat, dat zal je bezuren!”

Boreas smashed the release mechanism of a Charizard's pokéball, and was moving on to the Heatmor next to it when a large hand caught his ruff and forcibly lifted him. He tried to struggle away, but he was held too tightly, so instead he threw the stone he was still holding at Rood's face, giving the man a black eye.

“Au! Daar krijg je spijt van, mormel!” Rood said, with a face as red as his clothes as he made a fist and got ready to punch Boreas. Boreas had gotten very used to humans, so he had forgotten how massively big and strong they were. He struggled panicky against Rood's grasp, trying to escape from the punch that would surely shatter every bone in his body. Suddenly two vines slashed through the air, one of them whipped Rood in the face and made him drop Boreas in pain and shock, while the other grabbed a pokéball from his belt and smashed the release mechanism against the cave wall. Immediately, Rood grabbed his last three pokéballs and threw them. A fiery heat washed over Boreas, as he turned away to run for the exit, where Octa stood. Boreas didn't care about his stupid argument with Octa any more, he at him and pounced him with gratitude. “Thanks. I thought I was going to die!”

Escaping from Boreas' hug, Octa actually gave him a tiny smile. “Don't thank me yet, we shall likely die regardless. Look!”

A massive beam of fire came at them, and both pokémon jumped to the left to dodge it, barely managing to avoid being incinerated, but now they were no longer at the exit and were trapped against the cave wall. Now that the bright ray of flames didn't block his sight any more, Boreas saw the three pokémon that had been released from their pokéballs. The first was a ghostly, floating black chandelier with blazing blue flames that hurt Boreas' eyes to look at, though they weren't bright at all. The second was an oddly-shaped shoulderless red and grey creature with flames shooting out of its massive nose with every breath it took. The third was a gorgeous white fox with gleaming fur and nine elegant tails. Boreas found himself admiring her beauty for a few moments instead of trying to think of a way to avoid dying. What's wrong with me? He angrily thought, finding it hard to look away from her flowing tails.

“Hel, Vuur, Vlam!” Rood commanded his pokémon, “Fire Blast!”
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  #16    
Old December 13th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Like a boomerang, like a pigeon, like a rubber ball, I return, and bring on my wings the twin gifts of reviewing and... er, something else. I should really start thinking these things through before I start writing them.

OK, onto the review. There are a couple of dialogue-related mistakes here:

Quote:
“Zzzhuh?” Black mumbled, “I know, be quiet and let me sleep.”
That comma after 'mumbled' ought to be a full stop, because the two things Black says aren't part of the same sentence.

Quote:
“Palkia's plectrum!”, Marylin cursed as she looked about and saw the large group of angry trainers, “don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!”
Here, you should remove the comma before 'Marylin', and change the one after 'trainers' to a full stop, as well as capitalising the 'don't'. It's all for the same reason as the above example: 'Palkia's plectrum' and 'Don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!' are separate sentences. You make similar mistakes throughout; I suggest you look it over and search them out.

I've already pointed out the slightly dull tone in places, but since you've written this up in advance, I don't think I need to do so again - just be wary of it for whatever chapters you're currently working on.

I do like the reference to Team Plasma's ridiculous battle-cry, 'Plasmaaaaaa!', which is inevitably followed by either a battle or the grunts running away. Equally, I remain a fan of this wonderful Dutch version of Sage Rood, especially given that you've made him ridiculously powerful. I do have to wonder about the force necessary to break a Poké Ball, though - I mean, they are designed to be chucked around, and they must get knocked about a fair bit. Aside from that, though, Boreas' trick - and Rood himself - were great; I love it when characters lapse into their original language under stress.

In summary, I have no way of gauging how much you're actually improving, but I hope you continue to do so, and I enjoyed these chapters anyway, which leaves this whole statement somewhat irrelevant.

F.A.B.
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  #17    
Old December 13th, 2011, 09:35 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
[QUOTE=Cutlerine;6964358]Like a boomerang, like a pigeon, like a rubber ball, I return, and bring on my wings the twin gifts of reviewing and... er, something else. I should really start thinking these things through before I start writing them.

OK, onto the review. There are a couple of dialogue-related mistakes here:

That comma after 'mumbled' ought to be a full stop, because the two things Black says aren't part of the same sentence.

Here, you should remove the comma before 'Marylin', and change the one after 'trainers' to a full stop, as well as capitalising the 'don't'. It's all for the same reason as the above example: 'Palkia's plectrum' and 'Don't try to stop us, it's for their own good!' are separate sentences. You make similar mistakes throughout; I suggest you look it over and search them out.[.QUOTE]

Yeah, I know. I was all over the place with commas and periods after dialogue in these old parts. I will likely rewrite the whole story once I finish it, but since in my current planning there will be seventy-seven chapters, that's still very far away. So until then, the grammatical mistakes in the early chapters are unfortunately going to stay.

Quote:
I've already pointed out the slightly dull tone in places, but since you've written this up in advance, I don't think I need to do so again - just be wary of it for whatever chapters you're currently working on.
Yeah, I've tried to keep it in mind during the battle with Skyla (which is the only battle I've written since I read your comment about the dull tone) in chapter 42, and had some good comments about that battle. So I guess I have you to thank for that! Thanks for pointing it out.

Quote:
I do like the reference to Team Plasma's ridiculous battle-cry, 'Plasmaaaaaa!', which is inevitably followed by either a battle or the grunts running away.
Heh, on occasion Team Plasma rivals Team Galactic in terms of silliness. Let's not forget the "bad for Team Plasma, or PlasBad for short!" stuff too.

Quote:
Equally, I remain a fan of this wonderful Dutch version of Sage Rood, especially given that you've made him ridiculously powerful.
Glad to hear you liked him. I think giving the other six Sages a bigger role and giving them teams comparable to Ghetsis' team is probably the best idea I've had in this story, and the battles with them are great fun to write. And hopefully to read too.

Quote:
I do have to wonder about the force necessary to break a Poké Ball, though - I mean, they are designed to be chucked around, and they must get knocked about a fair bit. Aside from that, though, Boreas' trick - and Rood himself - were great; I love it when characters lapse into their original language under stress.
Now that I think about it, they must be rather shoddily manufactured if a three-month-old Eevee can smash them. Though maybe the manufacturers just didn't think of damage done to the button by hitting it sideways.

Quote:
In summary, I have no way of gauging how much you're actually improving, but I hope you continue to do so, and I enjoyed these chapters anyway, which leaves this whole statement somewhat irrelevant.

F.A.B.
Well, I appreciate it anyway. Getting some feedback on older chapters is the main reason I don't submit them all at once. Though a few of your points are obsolete by now there are also some that are very useful to me still. Anyway, enough talking, let's get to the story:


Chapter Eleven: Incendiary Inferno of Crimson Chaos Fire



The Heatmor and the Ninetales breathed in deeply, while the Chandelure's flames burned larger and larger as they prepared to incinerate Octa and Boreas. Though both tried to think of a way out, it seemed there was no escape from their impending doom. All three of their enemies spit a huge ball of flame, and just as Boreas thought his fiery, painful end was nigh, a dark shape jumped into the fiery stream. The fireballs exploded in a massive eruption of intense heat, consuming the dark figure. But when the blast of fire wore off, the figure was still standing, glowing with fiery energy.



Flash Fire.” Lucius sneered.



Wat?!” Rood exclaimed.



Black, Bianca, Cheren, and their pokémon stood in the cave opening. “You have an interesting way of “liberating” pokémon, Rood.”



Boreas saw Lucius was about to unleash the fiery energy he had absorbed from the three Fire Blasts back at the enemy. “No! Don't use fire-attacks!”



Lucius stopped only to look at him with contempt. “Don't tell me what to do, pup.”



Look, if they can do that too, you'll only make them stronger!”



Lucius stopped before spitting fire, though he didn't acknowledge Boreas' correctness.



Still seething with anger, Rood said “You have defeated my grunts, I see, while you sent your pokémon ahead to cheat!”



Cheat?”



They smashed three of my pokéballs!”



Black chuckled. “Hey, that was a good idea! Great job, you two!”



See?” Rood seethed, “This is the sort of thing that made me leave the Elite Four and join Team Plasma. You trainers are all cowards, who don't even respect your own rules! Just because you forced some innocent pokémon to battle for your own filthy glory makes you think you can do anything you wish! What even gives you the right to force a pokémon to battle for you in the first place?”



Well, what about you? You claim to be liberating pokémon, and yet you use them, and in fact you were about to kill two pokémon just now!”



Kereltje, Team Plasma only uses pokémon for real, important matters, not for petty personal goals. The liberation of pokémon is for everyone's good, especially the pokémon. If a few minor sacrifices have to be made on the way to a better world, those sacrifices are worth it. I don't expect you to understand. I only expect you to surrender. You know you can't win against me, even though you outnumber me and your cowardly cheating left me at half strength. If you dare oppose me, I will kill you and your pokémon as an example of what happens to those who oppose Team Plasma. Please don't make me do that. The screams when someone is burning to death are rather... Appalling.”



Boreas felt his fur rise in fear, and wanted nothing more than to get away from the three large, fiery pokémon about to burn him to death. “No.” Black said, “Your threats shan't work on us, Rood. We're going to stop you.”



As much as he wanted to get as far away from the three powerful fire-types as he could, Boreas resolved to stay and fight if Black did.



Cheren nodded resolutely. “Yeah. We outnumber you three-to-one, and besides, I'd love to test my strength against a real Elite Four.”



Bianca, however, was silent, and biting her fingernails. Rood smiled a disgustingly friendly smile. “En jij, meisje? Do you have a death wish too or are you smart enough to surrender? I don't want to kill you, and you don't want to die, so why don't you allow both of us not to do those things?”



Bianca's lip started trembling. “Okay.” She whimpered silently.



Clever girl.”



No!” Black shouted, “Bianca, don't give up.”



I-I'm sorry. Please don't fight him, he'll kill you!”



Bianca, please!” Black begged her, “Don't surrender! He's just trying to frighten us because he's scared of us. If we stand together, he's outnumbered three-to-one, he can't that.”



I can't fight!” Bianca panicked, “he's an Elite Four, he'll beat us even outnumbered! Please, I don't want you to die, don't fight him!”



Bianca, please, we need your help!”



No we don't.” Cheren interrupted snidely, “Why would we need her help?”



Cheren, shut up.” Black hissed.



It's true, isn't it? We don't need the help of someone too scared and weak to help her friends when they need her help most.”



You're not helping...” Black said between clenched teeth.



Bianca looked like she was going to say something, but then burst out in tears and returned her pokémon to their pokéballs.



You made a wise choice.” Rood said, “Are either of you two going to surrender too, or am I going to burn you alive?”



I told you, Rood,” Black said, “you can't intimidate us.”



Fine!” Rood shouted, suddenly furious, “Then you brought it over yourself! Eat flaming death! Hel, Vuur, Vlam, Flamethrower!”



The next moment the entire cave was filled with fiery crimson chaos. As huge beams of fire raged through the cave, Boreas had no time to keep an eye on anyone else's actions, too busy just staying alive in the fiery hell that the cave had suddenly become. He rolled away to dodge flames, ducked under them, and fled from them. Occasionally he would catch a quick glimpse of another pokémon doing the same. He tried to at least dodge to the enemy's direction, so that he might get to attack them at some point. The air in the cave was a wild gyre, as the flames were constantly heating different parts of it. Temperatures in the cave fluctuated insanely and rapidly between a sunny day in a desert and enough heat to ignite flesh and melt bones.



Boreas saw a quick glimpse of Cheren's Pidove performing an aerial assault on the enemy Heatmor before his head was almost burnt off by a ray of fire he barely dodged. It ignited the tip of his left ear instead, but he had no time to extinguish it as he had to push himself to the ground to dodge another Flamethrower trying to incinerate him. Lucius ran past him, ignoring the flames and blood dripping from his jaws before Boreas lost sight of him in the burning fury. He extinguished his burning ear by slapping it with his paw. He yelped in pain as a momentary wave of air that would probably have set him on fire if it lasted longer washed over him.



Boreas realised how incredibly different this battle was from the Gym battle. In the Gym Battle his opponent had only been trying to incapacitate or temporarily injure him, and had kept his fire relatively cool and under control. While here there was no question about the fact that the opponent was trying nothing less than to kill him with huge, incredibly hot flames. Boreas saw a glimpse of Black rolling over the ground, his right leg on fire, before his view was obscured by a blast of flames.



Suddenly a part of the omnipresent veil of fire parted, and Boreas and the gorgeous Ninetales saw each other. She immediately drew a big breath to execute Boreas, who did the only thing he could think of: he tossed a pawful of sand into her eyes. With the sand obscuring her vision, she managed to miss Boreas, who used the opportunity to Tackle her. The Ninetales, however, easily stopped him with a claw, and backhanded him away with a slap of another claw. In a stroke of extraordinary luck, he wasn't directly hit by any fire as he hurtled through the sea of flames. He landed next to a dried-out looking yellow-green snake.



'Tis pleasant to see you again, my dear fellow.” Octa greeted him calmly, sounding as if they had just happened to run into each other while enjoying a walk in Hyde Park, “It seems we are in a quite troublesome situation.” He cringed with pain from the heat as he sidestepped a Flamethrower.



Enough with the stiff upper lip already, are you alright?” Boreas said as he heard a horrible screech and saw Cheren's Pidove, ablaze with fierce blue flames, fly over erratically.



Well, the heat is quite unpleas- Watch out!” he struck Boreas with his vines, hurtling him back a moment before a stream of flames passed between them. “As I said, the heat is quite unpleasant, but the flames themselves are a rather more immediate concern of mine.”



Suddenly a dark shape emerged from the flames as Hel the Chandelure approached, firing bursts of blue flames at them. Octa and Boreas tried to run away, but the ghostly creature created a ring of horrid blue fire around them. Boreas looked up in despair at the Chandelure powering up for an executing Flamethrower, but then he saw something that gave him an idea. “Octa! Hit the stalactites!”



The Chandelure was about to incinerate both of them when Octa stretched his vines around it and hit a stalactite above. The stalactite broke off and came crashing down onto the fire-type, taking it down to the ground. Though it seemed injured, it started to move again when Octa made two more stalactites crash into it. One of the stalactites pierced the ghostly body with its tip, and big pools of a transparent fluid leaked out of the creature and immediately caught fire before Rood returned it to its pokéball.



There's two more to go!” Cheren's Tepig, running past, called. Suddenly a torrent of fire forced Octa and Boreas to run away in opposite directions. Boreas passed a dark wounded shape on the ground and realised it was Lucius. He was unconscious and his legs looked broken, but seemed to be alive. Boreas tried to make his way to the remaining enemies to see if they could be dispatched in the same manner as the Chandelure when suddenly a beam of fire shot from the left. Boreas tried to dodge it by jumping out of the way, but it was too late.



An abhorrent gust of infernal, flames hit Boreas, much, much warmer than anything he had ever imagined possible. Every single cell in his body screamed in torturous agony, as did Boreas himself. His entire body was in excruciating anguish as the flames enveloped him. Though he had been in the Flamethrower only momentarily, the torture continued as he was on fire. He tried to roll over the ground to extinguish the agonising flames consuming his flesh, but they burned so hard that even if he did manage to extinguish something, it would catch alight almost immediately from a neighbouring body part. With the last bit of his thoughts not concerning itself with writhing in torturous agony, he realised his only hope was to find the underground river, but he couldn't even look out of his eyes to find it, as the fur around them was burning and blinded him with its intense light.



Then there was suddenly relief from the burning heat. He wondered if it was death, and if it was he wouldn't even mind as long as it stopped the pain, but then realised that it was, in fact, water being shot at him, dousing his burning body. He gasped with joy as the pain all over his body lessened to approximately the pain one would feel if his skin had been torn off and cautiously opened his eyes again. It was very hard to see through the dried-out eyes, but he saw a blue, white, and rather stupid-looking shape.



Oshy!” he gasped, “Thank you so much! Spit water at the enemy now!”



Already tried that.” Oshy said softly, “They just counter it with Flamethrowers, which are so hot they evaporate my water before it reaches them.” Then he ran off as a long, pained yell sounded.



Gritting his teeth in pain, Boreas managed to get on his feet and dragged himself to the enemy. He saw Munny float over and be blasted away in mid-air by a beam of fire. He dragged himself to the underground river, and unceremoniously fell into it. The water soothed his burns and stopped his fur from smouldering. Rehydrating his dry eyes in the water, he looked at the part of the cave he could see. Though it seemed there were no stalactite above the remaining enemies, Boreas managed to think of a plan. But he would at least need Octa and Oshy's help for it.



He clambered onto the shore and immediately had to duck under a Flamethrower. He found Octa, looking even more dehydrated and with a burnt tail, in the crimson chaos and told him his part of the plan. He found Oshy and as the Oshawott blasted the enemy with water to distract them, Boreas managed to find Cheren's Purrloin, the only other pokémon still in fighting condition, and together they performed their part of the plan: throwing sand into the eyes of the enemies. The sand made it harder for them to properly counter Oshy's Water Guns, though even when they were hit, it seemed to have little effect. But Boreas caught a glimpse of rising water, realising Octa's part of the plan had worked: He had collapsed the stalactites above the river, thus blocking the water's exit. The cave was rapidly flooding, but Vuur and Vlam were too busy trying to counter Oshy's Water Guns and were nearly blinded by all the sand in their eyes. The water washed over their feet, and both fire-types yelped, but when they tried to step out of it, they found more water in all directions.



Wat nu weer?!” Rood yelled, “Vuur, Vlam, Inferno!”



They stopped trying to hit specific targets with their Flamethrowers, and instead resorted to emitting huge waves of intense fire, emerging to all directions. Though there were holes in the waves of flame that were not that hard to get through, it was hard to do this wave after wave. As they planned, the four remaining pokémon slowly manoeuvred around the two mighty fire-types, so that they stood between them and the rising river.



Get to dry land!” Rood commanded his pokémon as the water rose rapidly. Blinded by the sand in their eyes, the two assumed this to be the direction their enemies were standing in, and they blindly charged them, firing Flamethrowers in their direction as they did so. Moments after running past them, the two fell into the deep water, releasing massive amounts of steam and smoke.



Nee!” Rood shouted as he threw two pokéballs. Then he spoke into his Xtranceiver: “Plasma, initiate Operation G.T.F.O.!”



Surrender, Rood.” Cheren said, walking through the thick smoke that by now filled the cave. “You lost.”



I don't think so.” Rood said as he threw a smoke bomb and even thicker smoke filled the cave. “You may win today, but it was only through luck and cheating. Don't meddle with Plasma again, as you won't be so lucky next time.”







After the thick black smoke finally cleared, Rood, nor any other Plasma member, was to be found. It seemed they had been extremely lucky, as none of the pokémon had died during the battle. Cheren's Pidove had been closest, but she had turned out to have crashed into the river and was floating around on her back, badly burnt but still alive. Now that the excitement of battle was over, Boreas had a chance to examine himself. His fur was badly burnt, completely blackened and dead in some places, while in others it just looked poor and thin. The skin underneath had been somewhat protected from the fire by his fur, and though burnt all over, it only looked very bad in some spots. He did notice an awful smell of burning meat, though, and with horror realised it was his own smell.



As Bianca found her injured pokémon, Black, walking with a slight limp on his burnt leg, thanked her for joining the battle after all, while Cheren didn't speak a word to her and barely acknowledged her existence. Octa's tail had been hit with a direct flame, but the rest of his injuries amounted to dehydration from the heat. Boreas felt he had to talk to him.



I'm sorry, Octa.” he said.



Huh?”



You were right, I shouldn't have gotten so angry and wasted everyone's time. And I shouldn't have insulted you.”



No, my dear fellow, I should be the one to apologise. I might have been somewhat more considerate of your feelings, after all you've been through quite the experience and 'tis unfair of me to expect you to be entirely rational about it. And I really shouldn't have insulted your family and implied you were not worthy to interact with me.”



And with a quick hug, they forgave each other. Octa sniffed. “Oh my, you really don't smell or look too good, my dear fellow.”



I don't feel too good either.” Boreas agreed. “Do you think I'll get better? I really wish I won't have to live feeling all this pain and looking like this.”



Don't worry, humans are very good at treating injuries. With their medicine, I'm sure you shall make a full recovery.”
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  #18    
Old December 22nd, 2011, 11:03 AM
TrueBolt's Avatar
TrueBolt
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Gender: Male
So! I must say that so far this has been one of the greatest fanfics I have ever had the pleasure of reading. From an average Pokemon fan, this is a terrific story with colorful characters. Not allot of Pokemon novels are out there, and of them this is one of the best I have found.

As I have about... well, zero experience as a reviewer, I will leave that mostly to Cutlerine, and instead stalk in the shadows... waiting to pounce on the next chapters and devour them in bliss. ... ... Well, I will at least eagerly await them *hehe*. Although, I do have one piece of advice. When your' characters are thinking to themselves, it is helpful to put either asterisks (*) or (<>) signs to show mental communication. Just a thought.

Also, it sounds like you've got help of you're own, but I know how hard writers block can be to overcome, and how it can appear out of nowhere to ravage you're mind with blankness. Because of this intangible fiend, (and that I really like you're story and want to see an actual Pokemon novel finished) I extend to you my services from anything from character name ideas, to progression of events, and cause and effect. Granted I am just another Pokemon fan, but I have learned that the random whacky people we meet through unusual circumstances are the ones that are often the greatest aids in our struggles.

By the way, the online world refer to me as either 'True' or 'Bolt', and I am not usually this literate LOL. I once again beseech you to post chapters of you're incredible story for all to read. Sincerely, from you're supporter: TrueBolt

Last edited by TrueBolt; December 22nd, 2011 at 11:12 AM. Reason: I made an oops, which is why I dont review much.
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  #19    
Old December 22nd, 2011, 11:19 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Quote:
So! I must say that so far this has been one of the greatest fanfics I have ever had the pleasure of reading. From an average Pokemon fan, this is a terrific story with colorful characters. Not allot of Pokemon novels are out there, and of them this is one of the best I have found.

As I have about... well, zero experience as a reviewer, I will leave that mostly to Cutlerine, and instead stalk in the shadows... waiting to pounce on the next chapters and devour them in bliss. ... ... Well, I will at least eagerly await them *hehe*. Although, I do have one piece of advice. When your' characters are thinking to themselves, it is helpful to put either asterisks (*) or (<>) signs to show mental communication. Just a thought.


Thank you, it's very good to here you liked it. I don't think I'll be using asterisks or other signs to show thoughts, clear though it may be: thoughts aren't actually supposed to get any special treatment from narration at all, and the cursive lettering I use for them is technically incorrect already.

Quote:
Also, it sounds like you've got help of you're own, but I know how hard writers block can be to overcome, and how it can appear out of nowhere to ravage you're mind with blankness. Because of this intangible fiend, (and that I really like you're story and want to see an actual Pokemon novel finished) I extend to you my services from anything from character name ideas, to progression of events, and cause and effect. Granted I am just another Pokemon fan, but I have learned that the random whacky people we meet through unusual circumstances are the ones that are often the greatest aids in our struggles.

By the way, the online world refer to me as either 'True' or 'Bolt', and I am not usually this literate LOL. I once again beseech you to post chapters of you're incredible story for all to read. Sincerely, from you're supporter: TrueBolt


Thanks for the offer of help. I don't think I need any, but who knows?

Chapter Twelve: Repose

Present
Whew,” Aqua whistled, “that sounds like quite the battle.”
The fact that Aqua sounded impressed gave Boreas immense satisfaction. “It was.” he said, “I'm lucky to have survived it all, really.”
You're lucky to be clever enough to think of ways to defeat those pokémon. If you hadn't been there, none of them would've been defeated. Not only that, but there would be three more of them.”
Boreas gleamed with pride after her praise, but tried to be at least a bit modest. “I'm sure someone would have thought of something to do. Octa can be very smart when he's not too busy wasting his intelligence on showing off how intelligent he is, y'know.”
Perhaps, and they might've dealt with one or two enemies that way. But all six of them? Not much chance.” She moved a bit closer to Boreas, so that their flanks and thighs were touching. “If you were burned, it must've left some scars you could show me...”
Nah, the humans are really very good at healing wounds. The fire didn't leave any scars, and if it had they would have disappeared when I evolved.” Then, realising what he'd said, he thought: Why'd I say that?! She was so obviously flirting, and I said no?
Seeming slightly disappointed, Aqua said: “Okay. I guess it's for the better that you don't have any scars, innit?”
Yeah, of course.” Damn humans and your medicine, couldn't you have left me one scar?
Now that you've told me this, I understand your hate for Team Plasma much better.”
Boreas was glad that she was acknowledging his correctness. “I knew you'd come around after I told you more about them.”
No, no, you misunderstand me. I meant that I understand why you dislike them so much now: I wouldn't like people who set me on fire and tried to kill me either. That doesn't mean they're wrong, though. I still agree with them. Humans and pokémon don't belong together.”
Boreas couldn't believe it. “What do you mean you agree with them? They stole pokémon from the Daycare, they set me on fire and nearly killed me, they tried to manipulate people's dreams to make them release their pokémon, and they really hurt that Munna when forcing it to make Dream Mist!”
Okay, first of all, even if they were horrible people, that doesn't mean they're wrong. As for the things you named, I don't see why the stealing of pokémon from the Daycare was such a bad thing, as they were liberating those pokémon. While trying to kill you and the others was rather cruel, you have to remember that you were attacking their local headquarters and they were defending. And you angered him. While I certainly don't think lethal violence was an appropriate response, he is of course only a human. I don't see what's so bad about influencing people's dreams either: if that makes them see why they have to liberate their pokémon, what's so bad about it? I agree that hurting that Munna in the process was bad, but that was just the action of individuals inside Team Plasma, not the organisation.”
I'll tell you why it was wrong to...” he suddenly felt the soft touch of Aqua's tail wrapping around his. He blushed and his tail felt as if it was on fire again, except without the pain this time. “...To kidnap... um... To steal pokémon's people from the... uh... Sorry, I've completely forgotten where I was, let me start again: it was wrong to- Okay, that is very pleasant, but also extremely distracting.”
What is?” Aqua said with a look of purest innocence.
Nothing.” Boreas decided to play along and tried to free his tail from her hold, which wasn't easy as her tail was both longer and stronger than his. “To steal those pokémon was bad because those pokémon were friends with their trainers, and now they'll likely never see their trainers again.” With great effort, Boreas managed to produce a coherent sentence while at the same time managing to stifle his laughter and trying to release his tail from Aqua's grasp.
If those pokémon really wanted to stay with their” she giggled softly as Boreas managed wriggle his tail out of her hold and started hunting for her tail now, “with their trainers, they can just go back to them once they're free in the wild.”
Not if they couldn't find them.” Boreas managed to graze her tail, but she pulled it away too rapidly to catch it, “Unova is a big place, who knows were their trainers are. Or they could be too young to find their trainers again. Or maybe they'll die in the wild before reaching their trainer.”
Maybe, but think of those who find they don't want to go back. They can finally enjoy freedom.”
But if they wanted freedom,” he felt her fur brush against his tail for one tantalising moment as he almost managed to catch her tail, “they could just leave their trainers. It's not as if any trainer takes special measures to ensure their pokémon don't run away. They don't need to, because pokémon don't want to leave their trainers.”
I think that's just because most pokémon just don't know any better.”
But what-” Boreas let out a frustrated sigh as Aqua's tail evaded his once again. “You're too fast, I can't do this.”
Aqua stopped evading him. She was about to say something, but Boreas immediately grasped her tail the moment she wasn't expecting it. Aqua laughed, “Not bad. I see you weren't boasting when you told about tricking your opponents.”
Boreas caressed her tail softly. “No. There's no need to boast when the truth speaks for itself.”
Aqua returned his grin and caressed his tail back, almost massaging it. A warm, happy feeling spread through Boreas' entire body. He really became aware how much he liked Aqua, and had a sudden urge to embrace her and to stroke her pointy, finned ears, but figured that might be moving a bit too fast. “Well played.” Aqua said smilingly.
Boreas had half a mind of just enjoying her company and chatting about anything, but the fact that she still agreed with Team Plasma bothered him. “Hey, about Team Plasma messing with people's dreams: don't you think that's a rather underhanded, manipulative thing to do? I mean, if they want to convince those people they can just present their arguments and convince them instead of manipulating their dreams.”
Some people just close their minds” Aqua responded, “to other opinions, convinced that they are right. With those people, manipulating their dreams might be the only way to convince them to release their pokémon.”
No.” Boreas said, “I don't agree. It still a dirty, underhanded tactic.”
Don't you think it's a tiny bit hypocritical for you to be complaining about people using underhanded tactics?”
What do you mean?”
I mean that using tamato soup and stalactites as weapons and breaking pokéballs are underhanded tactics too. And I haven't even mentioned the worst part yet: pretending to surrender only to grab my tail the moment I least expected it.”
Boreas laughed. “Okay, so maybe I'm not the best person to be berating them for that, but I've never used trickery to manipulate someone into doing things against their will. And besides, they've done so much worse than manipulating dreams.”
They have?” Aqua asked, “why don't you tell me more then? I'm still willing to be convinced, and you're a good narrator.”
Okay. The next time I met Plasma was in Nacrene City on an awfully hot day in June. W I was heavily shedding fur in the heat, and thus very itchy, warm, and irritable, while Octa, Lucius, and Toxica really enjoyed the Sun and-”
Hang on.” Aqua interrupted, “Who's Toxica?”
Oh, I forgot to tell you about Toxica.” Boreas still found it hard to concentrate with Aqua's tail and his intertwined closely, “Toxica is an Oddish we met while we were at the Daycare. We stayed there for more than a month, you see. First it was to heal our many injuries and rest, but a very good nurse named Entropy worked at the Daycare, so we were pretty much completely healed in just a few days. She even managed to make my fur look somewhat decent again. After that, we stayed for a long time to train, help around at the Daycare, and just to have fun. There was a lot of fun to be had there, I even made friends with some other Eevees.
But at some point, I became very restless. Even though I was having fun at the Daycare, I wanted to move on. It almost felt as if the hills were calling to me to come see what was on the other side of them. So at one point I gave in. I left the Daycare and climbed one of the hills, to see what was on the other side. It turned out there were more hills, so I climbed one of them too before returning to the Daycare two days later.”
Your friends must've been worried about you if you were gone for so long.”
They were. Black was furious and very happy to see me again by the time I came back. But the next day I left again to climb another hill. And I basically kept doing that until we left, always on my own except for this one time I convinced Octa to join me...”

Past
...But when the actors got to the part where they re-enacted the murder, the king got up and left the room, clearly indicating his father's ghost had been speaking the truth and had indeed been murdered by his own brother, the new king!” Octa narrated.
I see.” Boreas said, “So what happened next?”
Well, this is where it gets quite fascinating: his mother summons him, requesting an explanation for the odd behaviour he exhibited earlier, and on his way there he passes the king, who has his back turned and isn't expecting a thing.”
Boreas was somewhat disappointed by this rather anticlimactic conclusion. “Oh. So I take it he kills him?”
No, my dear fellow, that's the really quite fascinating part, he doesn't. You see, as much as he hates his uncle now that he knows the truth, he can't bring himself to commit cold-blooded murder.”
But why?” Boreas asked, “The man was an evil monster, he murdered his own brother!”
Oh yes, he most certainly was. But taking a life in cold blood is not an easy thing to do, you see. And it's a good thing that it is, for it helps us differentiate the heroes from the villains. And- Oh, lisping Lugia, it's starting to rain.”
Boreas noted that big raindrops were starting to pour down from the sky. “So it is. It'll probably just be a quick shower. What happened next?”
What happened next is us finding shelter. Come on.” Octa hurried for the nearest copse of trees and sheltered under their leaves.
I would think a grass-type like you would enjoy the rain more.” Boreas said as he joined Octa..
There is a distinctive difference between a grass-type and a plant, I do hope you know that.”
But what- Ack!” Boreas's feet suddenly hit something as he walked through the grass, he heard a feminine voice yelp, and he tripped and fell into a puddle. An Oddish popped up out of the ground.
Hey! What'd you do that for?!” She yelled.
What'd I do that for?” Boreas shouted back after shaking the water out of his fur, “How was I supposed to-”
Octa interrupted him. “I apologise for my companion's behaviour, madam. 'Twas rude of him to awaken you from your sleep like that, but I assure you he did not do it on purpose.”
What are-” Boreas started, but was interrupted.
The Oddish's anger seemed to disappear quickly. “Oh, it's fine then, I guess. My name's Toxica.”
Octa bowed. “'Tis a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady Toxica. My name is Octavianus.”
Yeah, but he likes just 'Octa' better, 'cause Octavianus is too sesquicentennial.” Boreas intermitted.
Be quiet.” Octa said patronisingly, “I do actually prefer Octavianus, but 'tis just a too sesquipedalian name to use in everyday conversation.”
It sounds pretty cool, though.” Toxica smiled.
Why, thank you.” Octa said with a little bow, “The name has been in my family for twenty-seven generations. I do rather like Toxica too.”
Thanks. I picked it myself.”
Yourself?”
Yeah, we Oddishes aren't much for family life. We just sow our eggs in the ground like seeds and are done with it. I wouldn't know whom my parents are, and presumably they wouldn't know they have a daughter either. But you mentioned twenty-seven generations? That's quite a long time.”
As a matter of fact, I know my entire glorious family tree for the past thirty-five generations. The name Octavianus entered my family twenty-seven generations ago, when my ancestor Octavianus the First, together with his trainer, Do-”
Boreas interrupted him, recognising what was going to happen and wanting to prevent it. “It was nice meeting you, Toxica, but we've got to go now that it's stopped raining. These hills won't explore themselves, you see.”
Now hold on, my dear fellow,” Octa halted him, “I am telling a story to the lady.”
Boreas was starting to be very annoyed by both Octa and Toxica. “You were telling me a story, why don't you continue it while we walk on? And then you can also tell me about your namesake ancestor.”
I would prefer to tell it to the lady. Besides, we awoke her, and I doubt she shall still be able to catch sleep today. It would seem to be our duty to entertain her until the evening.”
Yeah,” Toxica said gladly, “That sounds good. Tell me about your ancestor.”
Until the evening?” Boreas said, “But that's way too long! I want to go on now!”
Why don't I walk with you for a while, then?” Toxica suggested.
An excellent idea!” Octa said.
Boreas sighed. He didn't like the fact that Toxica would be joining them, and hoped that she would leave soon so that Octa would continue his story.
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  #20    
Old December 22nd, 2011, 11:31 AM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I love the relationship between Glaceon and Vaporeon.
I love the Glaceon!
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  #21    
Old December 24th, 2011, 01:59 AM
apenpaap
Togepi
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
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Chapter Thirteen: Deceit in Nacrene City

Boreas was warm, itchy, and annoyed. All three of those conditions had the same cause: summer had arrived with its asphyxiating heat. For day on end the Sun was all alone in the sky, not a single cloud in view, and it seemed to have decided to use all that space it had for itself to perform some incredible acrobatics: very early each morning it would rise in the north-east, climb higher and higher, seemingly attempting to reach the zenith, and only barely failing. Then it would just hang around near the zenith for several hours, shining almost straight down on the world, before finally and very slowly sinking to the north-west, where it would set very late in the evening. About an hour after the last light in the sky had disappeared, it reappeared again as the Sun was preparing to do the whole trick over again.

Boreas' fur seemed to have decided to abandon ship after a few days of the stifling heat, as he was heavily shedding, making him very, very itchy, and every time he scratched large masses of hair would loosen. Yet there always seemed to be enough left to make him feel miserably warm, and this made Boreas very annoyed. He only had conscious memories of two seasons (he had been born in winter, of course, but by the time he was old enough to go outside it was well into spring), but he had a growing suspicion that this would be his least favourite of all four. What made him even more annoyed was the frustratingly chirpy behaviour of Octa and Toxica, their chloroplasts bringing them enormous amounts of energy every day. Lucius seemed to be enjoying the stifling heat too, as Boreas could've sworn he had come close to cracking a smile at several points.

And now it seemed they were about to reach Nacrene City, where he would probably be even warmer, itchier, and more annoyed. He didn't know if he would be able to stand another boring grey city filled with boring grey humans. But as they approached, Boreas realised this city was rather unlike Striaton. He heard faint sounds of music, talking, and laughter. And the city seemed to be made of low buildings entirely, missing the tall grey flats that Striaton was filled with.

As they entered the city, an incredible mix of colours assaulted their eyes: every house was painted in bizarre colours, from red to blue, and everyone was wearing differently coloured clothes. Many people had even dyes their hair in all kinds of bizarre colours. Pokémon walked freely among the humans and it seemed there was some kind of market going on, as many humans were performing music in the streets, or dancing, or selling drawings and paintings. Some were painting or drawing, or even sculpturing on the spot, and everyone seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves. The contrast with Striaton couldn't possible have been greater. Though some of the musicians and other artists were pretty bad, and the insane mix of colours looked quite overdone and ugly, Boreas liked Nacrene infinitely much more than Striaton.

Black and his pokémon were just sort of staring at the jolly chaos around them, bedazzled by the endless display of colour, when a blue-haired human in neat black and red clothing jovially slapped Black on the shoulder.

Hey there, new in town?” he asked. He had a truly bizarre hairstyle, with two large spikes pointing up above each ear, and a long yellow scarf that almost reached the ground.

Uh...” Black said somewhat startled, “Yeah, I am.”

Welcome! My name's Sly, and you look like you want to know more about Nacrene.”

Uh...”

Well, you have to know that Nacrene is a city full of artists. Everyone here practises some form of art, either professionally or as a hobby. And on a sunny day like this, we all go outside to show off our art and earn a bit of money with it. Cool, huh?”

Black nodded, somewhat freaked out. “Uh... Yeah. It's pretty cool. What kind of art do you practise?”

Sly laughed a very odd little “hehehehehe”-laugh. “Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that. Many people wouldn't consider half of it a real art. Anyway, are you looking for the pokécenter?”

Black nodded, and Sly gave him directions and made his exit.

Weird guy.” Toxica said.

Yeah.” Boreas said, “I wonder what he's up to.”

I highly doubt he's “up” to something, my dear fellow.” Octa said, “The gentleman quite obviously enjoyed a proper upbringing that only one with noble ancestry such as myself would have. Didn't you notice the proper bearing and the walk?”

Boreas and Toxica shrugged.

Quite, I remember now that neither of you would have had much chance to observe those of good ancestry, myself excepted. But let me assure you: that gentleman's upbringing and ancestry was as proper as mine.”

Toxica and Boreas just shrugged again and followed Black to the pokécenter. Just as they were passing a band of trumpeters, a little, cloaked old lady bumped into Black and nearly fell over. Black apologised and helped her to her feet, and then they continued.

They arrived at the pokécenter and entered. A crimson-haired nurse stood behind the counter.

Hi,” Black said, “My name is Black, and I've just arrived in this city to challenge the Gym. Do you have any rooms free?”

Sure.” the nurse said, “My name's Torment. Can I see your trainer's card?”

Sure,” Black said, reaching into his pocket. “Here it... Hmm, must have put it in my backpack...” He rummaged through his backpack, more and more frantic, “What the... It's gone! Everything is gone! My trainer card, my trio badge, my money! I've been robbed!”

I bet it was that Sly.” Boreas growled.

Total codswallop.” Octa protested, “It must have been that little old lady that bumped into him. A quintessentially proper gentleman like sly would never steal something.”

Oh dear,” Nurse Torment said, “We'd better get the police then.”

'Afternoon, all.” a bearded policeman who had just entered the pokécenter greeted them, “I'm officer Grim of the Nacrene City Police Department. What's all this then?”

Officer!” Black gratefully greeted the policeman, “I've been pickpocketed by someone. They stole my trainer's card, my money, and my badge.”

Righto. Please describe the incident and the stolen items to me and give me your ID number.”

After the policeman had taken Black's police statement and left, he approached the nurse. “Nurse, I know I don't have any papers or money, but may I please sleep in the pokécenter anyway? I can sleep on the couch here in the waiting room if you don't want to give me a room.”

Well... It's against the rules, y'know.”

Yeah, I know.” Black said with a sinking feeling.

So go right ahead.”

Thanks. You're an angel.”



The next day, Black and his pokémon dropped by the police station to see if there was any news of his stolen stuff.

I'm sorry, but there's no officer named Grim in the city.” the policewoman Black was talking to said.

But there is. He took my police statement yesterday, a big heavy man in a black beard, you must know him.”

No such officer works in Nacrene, sir, but we have been getting reports of someone impersonating a policeman. Would you like to make a police statement?”



That afternoon, Black and his pokémon wandered the town grumpily. Without money they couldn't even buy ice cream to cool them down on the blazing hot day, and without a trainer's card they couldn't challenge the Gym either. At one point, someone quickly sketched something on a piece of paper as Black passed her. She showed it to his pokémon while he wasn't looking, and they saw it was a caricature of him, looking incredibly grumpy. With a shushing gesture, she put it in his pocket without him realising anything, to his pokémon's great amusement, and left.

As they walked the city's outskirts, they suddenly saw a familiar face.

Look, it's N!” Boreas said.

Suddenly Sly appeared from the crowd, jovially slapped N's shoulder, and started talking to him. From the angle they looked on this time, it was quite obvious that he was in fact pickpocketing something from N's backpack.

Hey, Sly!” Black shouted as he ran at the pickpocket, “Give back what you stole from N and me!”

Hmm?” N looked up.

Uh oh.” Sly ran off. Black and his pokémon pursued him through the crowd. It seemed they were going to lose him, but then a Pidove flew over and landed in his two-spiked hair. Sly struggled to get it out of his hair, and in doing so he lost enough speed that Black could overtake and tackle him to the ground.

Surprisingly, Sly laughed. “Congrats, it's rare that someone manages to not only find me, but also catch me. Hang on, I'll give you your stuff back.”

You know I'm going to hand you over to the police anyway, right?” Black asked.

Sly grinned. “Of course. But I had some fun, that's what I'm doing it for in the first place.”

You pickpocket people for fun?”

Yeah. You should try it sometime, it's hilarious. Did you realise I pickpocketed you thrice yesterday and a fourth time just now?”

What?”

Yeah. When I introduced you to town I stole your money and your badge from your backpack, when I bumped into you, disguised as a little old lady, I stole your trainer's card from your pocket, and I stole your watch when I was disguised as Officer Grim. Ah, I can see from your reaction you hadn't even noticed it was gone. Finally I stole a caricature of you from your pocket just now. My, you're looking grumpy on it.”

Black took back each of the items as Sly gave them back. “So you do this for fun?” he said in disgust, “Don't you realise how much annoyance and problems you cause to the people you rob?”

Sly shrugged. “Not my problem. I'm just having fun practising my art. Besides, I don't always pickpocket. Yesterday evening I was bored with it, so I sold someone a map of a treasure buried in the Giant Chasm.”

But you might even kill someone with that! The Giant Chasm is incredibly dangerous!”

Not my problem. I'm an artist, and I'm just practising my art. I told you most people wouldn't consider my art art.”

That's because it isn't!”

See, I told you.”

Look, how is stealing an art?”

Not just stealing. I consider cheating and lying part of it too. And I'm not going to explain how they are an art, it's unlikely that I'll convince you.”

Hmpf, you're just a sad kleptomaniac who tries to justify his actions.”

I don't try to justify my actions, I already told you I don't care. And I'm not a kleptomaniac, but an artist.”

Well, I'll just let the police sort you out, Sly, if that's really your name, which I doubt.” He pulled Sly to his feet, “And give back my watch and trainer's card, I noticed you steal them this time.”

Sly gave them back. “Not bad. And now- oh?” He squinted, surprised by something behind Black, and when Black instinctively looked for a moment, he immediately ran off, throwing a pokéball. A ferocious Krookodile appeared, and immediately made a massive tremor, knocking everyone nearby off their feet and shattering houses' windows. Then Sly got it back into its pokéball as he ran off. Black followed him the moment he got back to his feet, but Sly had disappeared around a corner. They searched for him, but couldn't find him.

Such a noble, proper gentleman.” Boreas teased Octa.

Octa blushed slightly. “Well, quite. It seems I was mistaken there. It appears 'twas just a part of his act.”

Boreas, Octa!” N greeted them as he caught up, “How are you?”

Splendid.” Octa said.

Fine.” Boreas lied.

Hello to you too.” Black said annoyed.

Ignoring Black, N talked to his pokémon: “I see you have new friends.”

Ah yes, allow me to introduce you,” Octa said, “N, these are Lucius and Toxica.”

H-hi.” Toxica shyly waved using her leaves, “Can you really talk to pokémon?”

No,” Lucius sneered, “he just happens to respond exactly to what we're saying, idiot.”

Hey!” Octa berated him, “Now that is no way to treat a lady. Nor, in fact, is it any way a civilised man would treat a gentleman. To treat another-”

Lucius rolled his eyes. “Just shut up, you dandy.”

Dandy?!” Octa seethed, “How dare you, sir! I shan't shut up. You, sir, are a barbarian!”

Octa,” Boreas said, putting a calming paw on his shoulder, “Calm down.”

Yeah,” Lucius sneered, “Listen to your boyfriend, Octa. Calm down.” he imitated Boreas' tone.

He is not my boyfriend.” Octa spoke icily, “We are friends, a concept you are likely unable to comprehend.”

Whatever.” Lucius said, “Keep telling yerselves that. I'm gonna go stand over there now.”

What's his problem?” Toxica wondered.

Boreas shrugged.

A general lack of manners, intelligence, and civilisation, 'twould seem.” Octa seethed.

N was about to say something, when Black interrupted. “So, N, what do you want?”

N seemed genuinely puzzled by the question. “What do I want?” he thought about it, “I... want to see things no one can see. The truths of pokémon inside pokéballs. The ideals of how trainers should be. And a future where Pokémon have become perfect.... Do you feel the same?”

Black, in his turn, was now puzzled. “What? Uh... I guess, yeah.”

Is that so? I think my friends and I should test you to see if you can see this future, too. Claudia?”

The Pidove that had stopped Sly from fleeing earlier came flying down from a rooftop and landed before N.

A battle, eh?” Black said, “Lucius, fight that Pidove! Bite!”

Lucius jumped at the Pidove, but she was faster than him and repelled him by flapping her wings and making a Gust. After he was knocked about by the Gust, Lucius once again jumped Claudia, who couldn't stop him this time. Lucius bit her, drawing blood and leaving nasty bitemarks.

Sorry, but I'm out of here!” Claudia screeched as she flew off panicky.

That was easy.” Lucius sounded surprised.

N chuckled. “It seems my new friend wasn't quite as ready for battle as she had me believe. But my other friend will make up for that. Go, Baltoy!”

A weird little balancing top came around the corner. “Ha, is that all?” Lucius boasted as he bit the Baltoy. The Baltoy didn't even seem to feel the nasty bite it received, and reciprocated by rapidly slashing Lucius multiple times with its arms, spinning around. Lucius bit it again, and once again the Baltoy completely ignored the Bite and reciprocated by multiple rapid scratches. Lucius was the one bleeding now.

Boreas though this all very weird. “Octa, shouldn't Lucius' Bites be very powerful against a Baltoy?”

Octa nodded. “If the simpleton is doing them properly, the dark energy such a bite should be infused with should overwhelm a telepathic mind. Ergo, he's not doing them properly. A pity, 'tis such a shame to see him hurt because of his own incompetence.”

I told you,” Lucius gnarled as he was hit by the enemy again, “shut up!”

Boreas couldn't help think that the Baltoy was moving in rather strange ways for what was essentially a living top. It moved sideways, and dodged in ways that seemed physically impossible for it. Its flat arms were also leaving distinct claw marks on Lucius' skin. Suddenly a story his father had once told him sprang to Boreas' mind. “Lucius! Try using fire!”

Shut. Up. Pup! That's stupid!” Lucius gnarled.

Just use a fire-attack, if I'm right it'll work much better!”

Well, you are wrong, dip****. Because that is a ground and psychic type, so fire will do little, while my bites work extra good. So stop bothering me with your stupid suggestions.”

It's not a Baltoy, it's a Zorua! So just try using fire!”

Are you blind as well as stupid? It's a Baltoy, look at it. And now shut your trap!”

Idiot.” Boreas and Lucius said at the same moment. Half a minute later, Lucius was defeated.

Octa, it's your turn!”

Octa switched in. “Hello, Diego, long time no see.” he said as he launched a Leaf Tornado at the enemy.

The Baltoy was so surprised by Octa's words that he was caught up right in the middle of the Leaf Tornado. The storm of leaves completely enveloped him. When the Leaf Tornado dissipated, a large, black shape with many eyes stood in its centre.

Holy buckets!” Black cursed, “It evolved!”

No, it didn't.” Octa calmly spoke, “He's just trying to intimidate me. But his illusions shan't work any more.” He put extra force behind the words by accentuating them with a Leaf Tornado, which the Claydol dodged with a jump a real Claydol could never have performed.

Diego, drop the disguise,” N said, “they've seen through it.”

The Claydol disappeared into thin air, and in its centre was a Zorua with several cuts made by viciously sharp leaves. Immediately after dropping the disguise, he jumped at Octa and scratched him several times with his claws. Octa slapped Diego with his vines, knocking him off, and Diego tried to Bite Octa. Octa quickly dodged, and then suddenly a brilliant light enveloped him.

Diego jumped back startled, and the light made it hard for Boreas to see what was happening to his friend. He was scared, and hoped nothing was wrong. Squinting, he managed to see Octa's silhouette in the radiant light. It was rapidly changing, growing longer and sleeker, and leaves sprouted from his back in the process. Less than ten seconds after it had started, the light disappeared.

Splendid.” Octa the Sevine remarked. Boreas noted his voice was lower and more melodious than it had been before. He saw Diego had retreated to N's shoulder. “Diego, would you be so good as to come down from there so I can celebrate my evolution by winning this battle?”

Not today.” Diego surrendered, “I don't think I can beat you now.”

You win.” N said to Black.

Wow, you evolved!” Black congratulated Octa.

As you can see, my friends aren't strong enough to save all Pokémon.” N said, “Maybe I can't solve the equation that will change the world. So, I need power... Power enough to make anyone agree with me. Then, we will be friends.” he walked off.

Boreas joined Octa, surprised at how much larger he had become. “Octa, you look awesome!”

Thank you, my dear fellow.”

Y-yeah.” Toxica whispered. Boreas noticed she was blushing a deep purple and seemed to be staring at the ground. “Really, really awesome.”
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  #22    
Old December 24th, 2011, 11:31 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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Well, it's been a while, but I'm back. Now, until you catch up here with the rest on Bulbagarden, I can't do much more than repeat my previous warnings about woodenness - I noticed it more than usual as I read through these chapters, though that's probably because I haven't read any of this for a while - but I can offer some advice on something new that I've just spotted: some decidedly underwhelming description.

This is what I mean:

Quote:
An abhorrent gust of infernal, flames hit Boreas, much, much warmer than anything he had ever imagined possible.
The problem here is the word 'warmer'; it's a very weak word for heat, possibly the weakest one there is. A better choice would be 'hotter', really. (There also shouldn't be a comma after 'infernal', but that's another matter.)

The same thing crops up here:

Quote:
Cheren's Pidove had been closest, but she had turned out to have crashed into the river and was floating around on her back, badly burnt but still alive. Now that the excitement of battle was over, Boreas had a chance to examine himself. His fur was badly burnt, completely blackened and dead in some places, while in others it just looked poor and thin.
You repeat 'badly burnt' so that it loses its impact, and at any rate, you could probably do better than 'poor and thin' for the quality of his fur. 'Poor' seems to me to be an odd choice to describe fur that's had parts burned out of it, anyway; consider 'seared', 'singed', 'scorched', and other such words. Stronger, more varied adjectives will increase the interest.

Aside from that, I have a small point regarding this:

Quote:
“No, my dear fellow, that's the really quite fascinating part, he doesn't. You see, as much as he hates his uncle now that he knows the truth, he can't bring himself to commit cold-blooded murder.”
Octa is entirely incorrect. Anyone who knows as much as he claims to about Hamlet would know that the reason Hamlet doesn't kill Claudius then is not due to an inability to commit cold-blooded murder; I mean, right afterwards he goes and kills Polonius because he thinks he's his uncle. The real reason he doesn't kill him is because he believes Claudius is at prayer, and he reasons that if he kills him right then when his sins are being absolved, he'll just go to heaven, and Hamlet really wants him to go to hell. So he decides to kill him at some other time, when he's drunk or in bed with Gertrude or something. The irony is, of course, that Claudius isn't praying; he finds himself incapable of prayer, his murder of his brother weighing too heavily on his mind to let him communicate with God. That turned out longer than I thought, but the point remains.

Anyway, that's all I can say for now, other than that it seemed a bit strange how Toxica joined them. There was never any mention of Black actually catching her, or why she came with them - in any ordinary circumstance, when one person meets another, they don't immediately up sticks and go with them. This seems even more strange when you consider that Toxica's an Oddish, and they're fairly sedentary during the day at least; they only move around at night, and even then, I doubt they would wander right across the country and into a city without some strong motivation. I'm sure you have an explanation, and it's fairly obviously hinted at, but it would be nice to have it more clearly explained and expanded on.

That's all for now. Keep it up, and aim ever higher.

F.A.B.
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  #23    
Old December 25th, 2011, 01:47 AM
destinedjagold's Avatar
destinedjagold
Oh Hai Thar~ 'ω'
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I just finished reading all the chapters and I am really loving it!
Although I am finding the Glaceon and Vaporeon love scene a bit awkward... I ain't really a big fan of love scenes but whatever.

Also, I thought Diego was a Purrloin...? Or was it really a Zorua in Dusquise in the first few chapters, but was not mentioned?

Anyway, keep up the great work!
I can't wait to read the rest of the chapters.
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  #24    
Old December 26th, 2011, 07:28 AM
apenpaap
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
Octa is entirely incorrect. Anyone who knows as much as he claims to about Hamlet would know that the reason Hamlet doesn't kill Claudius then is not due to an inability to commit cold-blooded murder; I mean, right afterwards he goes and kills Polonius because he thinks he's his uncle. The real reason he doesn't kill him is because he believes Claudius is at prayer, and he reasons that if he kills him right then when his sins are being absolved, he'll just go to heaven, and Hamlet really wants him to go to hell. So he decides to kill him at some other time, when he's drunk or in bed with Gertrude or something. The irony is, of course, that Claudius isn't praying; he finds himself incapable of prayer, his murder of his brother weighing too heavily on his mind to let him communicate with God. That turned out longer than I thought, but the point remains.
Well, the point is actually highly debatable. There are various interpretations of that scene, yours and Octa's both being ones. Octa's choice of the more benevolent interpretation perhaps says something about his own view on the world. Good job on recognising Hamlet, by the way.

Quote:
Anyway, that's all I can say for now, other than that it seemed a bit strange how Toxica joined them. There was never any mention of Black actually catching her, or why she came with them - in any ordinary circumstance, when one person meets another, they don't immediately up sticks and go with them. This seems even more strange when you consider that Toxica's an Oddish, and they're fairly sedentary during the day at least; they only move around at night, and even then, I doubt they would wander right across the country and into a city without some strong motivation. I'm sure you have an explanation, and it's fairly obviously hinted at, but it would be nice to have it more clearly explained and expanded on.
You've got a very good point here, now that I think about it, and I'll certainly have to expand upon that scene when I rewrite the chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by destinedjagold View Post
I just finished reading all the chapters and I am really loving it!
Although I am finding the Glaceon and Vaporeon love scene a bit awkward... I ain't really a big fan of love scenes but whatever.


Well, that's a shame. I hope you'll like the love scenes in the future better.

Quote:
Also, I thought Diego was a Purrloin...? Or was it really a Zorua in Dusquise in the first few chapters, but was not mentioned?
Indeed, that's what I meant to imply by that scene, and also explains why he never seemed to get hurt in the previous battle with him and why he could use Fake Tears, which is not in Purrloin's movelist but is in Zorua's movelist.


Chapter Fourteen: An Archæologist With Backbone


The Nacrene Gym was a big stately white building with classicist architecture and sculptures of ancient pokémon outside. Before entering, Black paused for a moment to talk to his pokémon.
The Gym Leader here uses the normal-type. That means none of you will be at either a type advantage or a disadvantage. So I'll simply use the most powerful among you. Good luck.”
They entered a magnificent hall with all kinds of archæological and palæontological exhibits, such as ancient skeletons, fossils, sculptures, and reliefs. The hall was dominated by a beautifully reconstructed skeleton of a draconian pokémon.
Do you want to visit the museum, sir?” someone standing next to the door asked, startling Black. “A ticket costs 10 pokémoney.”
And... What about the Gym?” Black asked. “Is it here?”
Oh, the Gym? It's-”
Thank you, Mr. Picklecopter, I will take it from here.” a scientist said, “my name is Hawes, and I'll take you to the Gym. It's just in the back of the museum, you see. Do you mind if I give you a small tour before I show you the Gym?”
No, that's okay.”
Then walk this way.”
Black followed Hawes. The first exhibit they stopped at was the large dragon skeleton. “This fascinating skeleton was once a Dragonite. It lived about 5000 years ago, and when it was alive it must have been one of the most powerful pokémon in all of Unova. Wild Dragonites are incredibly rare and have territories the size of a small continent, you see. Even in modern times, a human capturing them in the wild is completely unheard of. Very, very rarely, a powerful trainer manages to catch a Dratini and train it all the way to a Dragonite, but such a process takes an incredible amount of time and energy. In the era when this Dragonite lived, humans worshipped them and would often make sacrifices to them. The bones of this Dragonite showed severe damage when they were dug up, so it is thought that it perished in an accident.”
He led them on to a relief of an insectoid pokémon. “This is a relief of a Kabutops, a pokémon that used to be extinct before a technology to revive them from fossils was perfected.”
He continued the tour, showing many interesting exhibits, and finally he showed a bright white stone. “We're not quite sure what this is. It seems to be just an ordinary white stone, but it's impossible to make any marks on it. My wife is still researching what it might be. My wife is the director of this museum and the Gym Leader, see, a very strong and kind trainer named Lenora. And her Gym is just through that door there. Good luck, you'll need it.”
Thanks.”
Behind the door was another large room, full of books stacked in large bookcases. There must have been thousands of books in the library, and Boreas just stared at it in bedazzlement. Octa had taught him how to read at the Daycare, but there had been only a few dozen books there. He had never imagined this many books existing in the whole world, let alone together in a single place. Between the towering bookcases were paths. Most of the paths were thin, but one of them, the central one where they were currently, was several metres wide and divided the library in two. In the middle of the wide path, a woman with dark skin and blue hair curled up into a large cloud-like shape was reading a book on a table. She looked up when she heard them enter.
Are you the Gym Leader?” Black asked.
Yes.” She said, standing up, “I am Lenora, director of the museum and Gym Leader. Are you a challenger?”
Yes. My name is Black, and I want to challenge you!”
Lenora swung her apron over her shoulder to reveal a belt of pokéballs. “Well then, Black, I'm going to research how you battle with the pokémon you have lovingly raised! Shall we use two pokémon each?”
Black nodded.
Hawes spoke up. “The challenger and Gym Leader Lenora will each use two pokémon. They are not allowed to use items, and a pokémon that has been switched out counts as having been defeated. Begin the battle!”
Schliemann,” Lenora threw a pokéball, “Test this challenger's worth!”
A Herdier appeared from the pokéball. “Lucius, begin the battle with a Howl!”
As Lucius howled, charging into combat, Boreas felt like a small friendly town that was expecting to get a new road built through it, greatly boosting its economy, when the government suddenly announces its going to build the road through the neighbouring city that keeps dumping their toxic waste into the town's fields instead. “Lucius? But I thought I...”
Well,” Octa said as Lucius and Schliemann started their battle, “he did say he would use the most powerful pokémon. I would assume that to mean myself and Lucius.”
But I'm better than Lucius!”
The time you tried to kill me says otherwise, pup!” Lucius sneered, dodging the Herdier's attack.
But I was enraged out of my mind and not thinking properly then. I could beat you if I was calm and using my brains.”
Lucius scoffed. “Of coooourse you could, pup. You're becoming as cocky as your bo- ARP!” Schliemann hit him with a grievously powerful Take Down which knocked him away in a nearly straight line until he hit the bookcase a few metres back with a massive thud. He managed to get back on his feet, badly bruised, one leg dragging behind him, and very angry. “STOP DISTRACTING ME, PUP!”
Schliemann charged Lucius to finish the battle with another Take Down, but Lucius managed to sidestep just in time and the Herdier ran into the bookcase instead, nearly making it fall over with his ferocious strength. Lucius immediately used the opportunity to dig his teeth into his enemy, and followed up by singeing him with an Ember. But Schliemann was faster than Lucius expected, and managed to hit him with another Take Down, knocking him to the ground. Lucius growled and cursed in pain, but couldn't get up any more.
Challenger Black's Houndour is unable to battle. The score is 1-0 in favour of Gym Leader Lenora.” Hawes announced.
Damn,” Black cursed, “That Herdier is strong! Octa, show off your newly evolved skills!”
With pleasure.” Octa stepped forward.
Octa, begin with Growth!”
Octa grew five lengthy vines, one from his tail, one from each hand, and two more from the leaves on his back. His opponent tried to use Octa's momentary distraction to take him down, but Octa dodged the attack with an incredibly agile slither. Then, when his opponent had passed him, he Vine Whipped him with all five vines, causing five ugly marks on the Herdier's skin. Schliemann tried to attack him, but he whipped up a Leaf Tornado much larger than Boreas had ever seen him use, which caught the Herdier and blew him right back to his trainer, wounded.
Gym Leader Lenora's Herdier is unable to battle. The score is 1-1!” Hawes pronounced.
That's quite the pokémon!” Lenora complimented Octa as she threw another pokéball, “But no matter how grim the situation, I'll use my scientific skills to find a winning strategy! Go, Dubois!”
Octa bowed to salute the Watchog that appeared from the pokéball, and tried to Vine Whip it, but it managed to jump in between his attacks, and hit him with a bone-crushing Retaliate that connected with a phenomenal noise and launched him off his feet, several metres through the air before he landed on the ground. For a moment it seemed the battle was over, but then Octa got back up. He began counter-attacking the Watchog, but it was clear that Dubois was faster and even stronger than the Herdier was.
Isn't he amazing?” Toxica whispered reverently. She was intently staring at Octa, blushing and with a perverted grin on her face.
I guess.” Boreas said, rather annoyed by her.
He's so strong, and cool, and smart, and attractive...” she gushed.
Toxica was really beginning to get on Boreas' nerves, but he couldn't help but agree with her that evolution had increased Octa's abilities by an impressive amount. He wondered when he would evolve, an then he wondered what he would evolve into. He had never really given the matter thought before, but now he realised that he would have to decide at some point what he wanted to be, or be stuck with something random for the rest of his life. He remembered how easy Zeph had found the choice and how he had always known he wanted to be a Jolteon. Tears shot into his eyes as he realised with a pang of grief that Zeph would never get to be a Jolteon. Damn, he thought, I thought I was over it...
Drawing a deep breath, he managed to calm himself down enough to think about what he wanted. I could be a Leafeon like Mum. He pictured himself as a Leafeon, walking in a forest and enjoying the warm summer weather instead of suffering in it. He really liked the idea. Yeah, I want to be a Leafeon.
But then he realised that being an Espeon would be great as well. He thought of all the things he could do with psychic powers. Then he was suddenly snapped out of his reverie by a yelp of pain from Octa and Toxica drawing a startled breath as Octa was violently crushed between his enemy's Take Down and the bookcase. It seemed things were not going well for Octa: while his enemy was clearly hurt and losing energy, Octa himself seemed to be at the end of his abilities.
He missed the Watchog, who quickly retreated after pinning Octa to the bookcase and was now getting ready to finish it. Octa extended his vines, and Dubois was ready to dodge them as he charged, but Octa didn't attack his enemy with his vines, but the floor. He pushed himself off the ground with his vines and launched himself over the top of the two metres-tall bookcase. Immediately after landing on the other side of it, he pushed the bookcase, which was severely weakened due to the several Take Downs it had absorbed. With a monumental creaking, the bookcase fell over, right on top of the charging Watchog who couldn't get away in time.
The three humans immediately rushed over and together they pulled the bookcase up far enough that they could rescue the Watchog from under it. “I'm sorry about messing up your library like this.” Black apologised.
No need to be.” Lenora said, returning her Watchog to his pokéball after checking if he was okay. “I suppose having a battle in a library is just asking for it. I should probably battle outside from now on.”
Hawes seemed to suddenly remember his role as judge. “Gym Leader Lenora's Watchog can't battle. Challenger Black has won the match!”
That was so cool!” Toxica praised Octa.
I just thought about what Boreas would do in my situation, and did so. It worked quite staggeringly well, didn't it?”
We should go celebrate your victory and evolution this evening, Octa!” Toxica said. “Remember that pub with the pokémon serving we passed on the way here? We should go there for some dinner!”
Yeah,” Boreas said, “We should go celebrate your victory and evolution there.”
Uhm...” Toxica said, “I meant just Octa and me, really.”
Yeah,” Boreas smirked, “So did I.”
Why don't we all three of us go celebrate?” Octa intermitted.
Both the others sighed. “Hmpf, fine.” they grumbled.

That evening all three were having a lot of fun on the pub's terrace.
...So with all my strength I launched myself upwards at least five metres, still only barely reaching the top of the gargantuan bookcase, and I pulled my limbs and tail as close to me as I could, for I could've broken my neck if I had hit the bookcase and landed badly as a result. Then, with a phenomenal thud nearly breaking my ankles, I landed on the ground and immediately began executing the second part of my brilliant plan: I set my shoulder and all vines to the mighty bookcase, and with an outpouring of titanic strength I managed to topple it, so my opponent was crushed by the colossal falling bookcase.” He finished his glass of wine. “In the name of snowman Rayquaza, some days I amaze even myself.”
That's the fifth time you've told that story,” Boreas said, “and every time you tell it it gets better.”
That's because I tell it better each time, my dear fellow.” he poured himself another glass, “Of course, you inspired me to it. A toast, to my good friend Boreas: as clever as a brain pie, and just as impulsively rash as one.”
They toasted and drank from their glasses, though Boreas was pretty sure something had gone wrong mid-metaphor.
Of course,” Toxica, drinking with a straw due to her lack of arms, said, “You were also incredibly brave to fight that Watchamacallithog in the first place.”
Oh yes!” Octa agreed, “It was a foul, monstrous, hideous, dangerous, powerful, gigantic,-”
Don't forget smelly.” Boreas intermitted.
Yes, thank you, my dear fellow, I shan't. Smelly. Very smelly. As smelly as the moist hole of a Skuntank suffering from terminal colon cancer. I do not know if you are familiar with that particular smell, but smelly 'twas. A smell that would have frightened off an anosmic Muk. What was I talking about again?”
Your fiendish opponent.” Boreas reminded him.
Of course! And what a smelly creature 'twas! Smelly and hideous enough to make a grown pirate weep and wish for his mother to please give him a cookie!”
Terrifying!” Toxica added.
Grotesque!” Boreas added.
Ferocious!” Toxica added.
Nauseating!” Boreas added.
Indeed.” Octa agreed, “It must've been hand-picked by Giratina himself.”
From the darkest corners of the Distortion World.” Boreas added, “Where a thousand and five Hydreigons scream for naught.”
Yes, that particular spot!” Octa agreed.
Not hand-picked!” Toxica disagreed, “Banished! Banished because old Giratina was too scared of it stealing his dark throne made of forty-two obsidian Garchomp-skulls!”
Forty-seven!” Boreas improved.
Forty-twelve, actually.” Toxica bettered herself. “And Octa defeated all forty-twelve... What were they again?”
So I did!” Octa said, “A toast to me!”
They toasted again and downed their glasses. “Boreas, pour me another glass, please? I'm an arm short of being able to do it myself.” Toxica asked.
Boreas tried to pour her another glass, but after the first few drops nothing came out any more. “Hmm...” Boreas said, “must be clogged.”
He looked into the bottle and saw it was not clogged, just empty. “It's empty.” he announced gravely.
Octa chuckled. “A blessing in disguise, my dear fellow, for I do think we've all had quite enough.”
Boreas and Toxica couldn't possibly disagree. “Did we pay already?” Toxica asked.
Yes, remember, when we ordered the food and the wine.”
I'd toast Black right now for giving us the money if we had wine left to toast with.” Octa said.
We had to work for it, though.” Boreas said, “Or rather, we had to work to make him understand what we wanted.”
Great guy, Black.” Octa said, “But he has an unmatched ability of not understanding what you're saying. But he is friendly.”
Brave.” Toxica added.
Team Plasma!” Boreas said.
Yes, he is all that too. Noble and Team Pla- Hang on, no, I don't believe he is a member of Team Plasma, my dear fellow.”
No, not Black in Team Plasma, but just Team Plasma. Look over there!”
'tsounds to me like you've had quite too much to dri- Arceus' balls! You're right!”
Several Team Plasma grunts were walking through the twilighted town, looking around to see if no one was following them.
C'mon.” Boreas said, jumping to the ground. He fought a momentary battle with gravity over whether or not he would manage to remain standing, and won. “Let's follow them, they're going in the Gym's direction.”
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Old December 26th, 2011, 10:06 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
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Quote:
Well, the point is actually highly debatable. There are various interpretations of that scene, yours and Octa's both being ones.
I'm not entirely convinced it's that debatable, given that Hamlet actually says this:

Quote:
Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven.
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
which states outright that it would constitute mercenary assassination rather than revenge to kill Claudius at prayer. Anyway, that's not really a major point; I'm not here to get into a debate about it. I just happen to like books. On with my customary review!

Now, this chapter felt a little short in comparison to the others; I don't know if it was, but it felt like it. Perhaps it was the fact that events seemed to move on a little too quickly: they arrived in the Gym, then fought Lenora, then were in the pub, in rapid succession. It might be due, I guess, to the fact that Boreas wasn't directly involved in the main action, in which case there's not a lot that can or should really be done about it.

In part, it's probably also due to the fact that Black won against Lenora - again. I find that that's one of the biggest problems facing journey fics: often, their protagonists beat every bad guy and Gym Leader first time, and it becomes sort of predictable and tired. I get that Lucius was defeated, and Octa only just won himself - but I still feel that Black is verging on becoming rather dull. At the risk of ruining further chapters for myself, I'm going to ask if there's any point at which Black doesn't win; if he never loses, he'll seem a lot less real and a lot more unlikeable. It's only just reached the point at which it's starting to make itself noticed, which means it isn't yet really bad; it's something to be aware of, and something that will probably need correction if Black and his Pokémon are to come across as full and realistic characters.

In addition, you did this a couple of times:

Quote:
“That's quite the pokémon!” Lenora complimented Octa as she threw another pokéball, “But no matter how grim the situation, I'll use my scientific skills to find a winning strategy! Go, Dubois!”
when what you should have put was this:

Quote:
“That's quite the pokémon!” Lenora complimented Octa as she threw another pokéball, “But no matter how grim the situation. I'll use my scientific skills to find a winning strategy! Go, Dubois!”
When you begin a new sentence within the quotation marks after the dialogue tag - that is to say, when it isn't a continuation of the speech before the tag - the dialogue tag needs to end with a full stop. You've made the same mistake here:

Quote:
“Damn,” Black cursed, “That Herdier is strong! Octa, show off your newly evolved skills!”
This ought to be:

Quote:
“Damn,” Black cursed. “That Herdier is strong! Octa, show off your newly evolved skills!”
That occurs a couple more times throughout the chapter; fix it and that's pretty much the last of the grammatical errors sorted.

Having said all that, the conversation in the pub was quite funny; congratulations there. I look forward to further chapters.

F.A.B.
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