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  #1    
Old November 16th, 2011, 07:14 AM
IanDonyer's Avatar
IanDonyer
Time to kick ass? Definitely.
 
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[Drowning]
- Chapter 0: None of this exists now

"None of this exists, now."

A step: a single, bare foot colliding with the marble floors sending rippling waves of water outward. The foot felt no such water, but the girl that it belonged to knew it was there.

"That it doesn't. Do you miss it, Emily?"

Green eyes examined the area intensely. A simple sort of place, just a single, bare room in the eternity of a dreamscape. A dainty hand raised, pushing black hair away from her face. "I miss you."

A hand, calloused and strong placed itself on her shoulder. She only saw this: she didn't feel it, but she knew what it felt like anyway. Off of memory. A smile spread upon pale pink lips. "I miss you too."

A steady drip. The water level was raising quickly, even though the drip was only once every few seconds. Perhaps a leak sprung in the walls. She knew her time was limited, despite how that tortured her.

She turned to face him. He was not there--he was still by her side, barely out of the sight of her peripherals. "I want to see you..."

"None of this exists, now."

Her own words. Not his. Only in his voice, confirming her worries, her fears, her anxieties. A drip of water started above her head, striking just down below her eyes, drops rolling down her cheeks.

The level of water was at her waist now. She needed to find the leak. It wasn't anywhere in her sight--she turned and turned, glaring around the room desperately, but she saw nothing. "I don't want to go..."

She heard him laugh softly, like she had just told an amusing joke. "You have to. There's no choice in the matter."

The water was up to her neck. She felt it now, frigid upon her skin. She flailed her arms and legs frantically, trying to keep herself afloat. But she was drowning. "Michael!"

"Goodbye, Emily."

The water rose above her head, and she felt her hair float upward in its icy grasp, limbs growing numb, and she was sinking, despite her best efforts to raise herself. Her heart was in her throat, beating hard; her emotions running wild, waves of panic clouding her judgement.

And then she was sitting up, the darkness around her overwhelming, the reality of moist sweat soaking the bed around her, the smell of her own fear and sadness... a sensory overload.

She let her face sink into the comforting grasp of her own hands, crying.

Author's Note: Hiya. Been a while since I've actually bothered to sit down and write anything fan fiction related: almost two months now. I've missed it, certainly, and my interest (or more accurately, motivation) in NaNoWriMo has faded, so I'm starting fresh.

I regret to state that pretty much any older projects are cancelled. My weakness as a writer is the overwhelming desire to create more and more and ignore the previous stuff. And I hope to end that with this.

It will be a relatively short story, if my plans are followed through with. Of course, my other weakness as a writer is impulsitivity. I tend to go off of impulses, rather than careful planning, and thus many stories have been derailed off their original course.

..I'm ranting now. Anyways, the point of all this is to state that chapters will be regularly updated, starting from here on out. Every Wednesday, give or take a day or two for any unexpected IRL circumstances.
See you guys then.
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  #2    
Old December 3rd, 2011, 12:59 PM
icomeanon6's Avatar
icomeanon6
It's "I Come Anon"
 
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Age: 20
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Well, this is an intriguing beginning. Even though there's not much that's been revealed yet about the main character herself or the reality outside of the dream, the way the dream itself unfolded was impressively visceral, and has me curious as to what gave rise to it. The description was rich, and it did a good job of illustrating Emily's mounting anxiety as the water rose. I particularly liked the image of Emily turning, and Michael being just out of her field of vision

Not much left for me to say, as it's a pretty short chapter 0 (prologue? whatever). There's one grammar problem that I noticed come up a few times, and that's this:

Quote:
The water level was raising quickly
The distinction between "raise" and "rise" is a bit tricky, and you want "rise" here. If there's no direct object, i.e. if you're describing something is itself moving upwards, you use rise. Like so:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
The kid (subject) raised his hand (object).
The kid's hand (subject) rose. (no object)

Thing A raises Thing B.
Thing B rises.
Also grammar-wise, I think you should put this sentence in the past-perfect tense:

Quote:
Perhaps a leak sprung in the walls.
The leak springing is more-past relative to the narration, so it should be "Perhaps a leak had sprung in the walls."

tl;dr: I'm interested. Rite moar!

Response to Author's Note:

Two month's hiatus is nothing to be ashamed of. (Says the guy who hasn't updated his chapter fics since July of 2010. -_-) And though I can understand your desire to start everything clean, I'm disappointed that we won't be hearing any more about Chris from Best Laid Plans. But, if you feel that you really need the fresh start, you probably made the right decision.

One thing though is that I would never advise trying to adhere to a schedule for fanfic writing, especially one as rigorous as once per week. We're all pretty patient around here, and I think the consensus is that quality is worth much more than quickness. I see that you decided not to force yourself to update on the 23rd, so good call. Just get to it when you get to it, and I'm sure this will turn out to be a fine story.

Good luck with completing this one. I believe that you can do it.
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My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier - 14 chapters, indefinite hiatus. Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure - 8 chapters, completed. Digimon Campaign - 7 chapters, ongoing

One-shots:
There's Always Tomorrow (SWC 2009), A Matter of Stubbornness (SWC 2010), Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place),
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It (2012), By What Right? (SWC 2013 1st place), Back in the Day (SWC 2014 1st place) (New!)


Family (kind of?): Strange person who calls me strange names

If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.

Last edited by icomeanon6; December 3rd, 2011 at 01:14 PM.
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  #3    
Old December 3rd, 2011, 06:21 PM
Bay Alexison's Avatar
Bay Alexison
Not a Baygel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 25
Nature: Sassy
Oh yay, you're back to writing again! :D Sorry to hear you're not working on your other projects anymore but hopefully you'll continue with this story. Okay, to the review!

Oh man, I hate drowning dreams. I had too many of those and I actually almost got drowned once. >.<; I too love the way you develop Emily's anxiety as the water rose, quite intense stuff there. Yeah not is much known over the plot yet, but I'm pretty sure the theme of drowning will play a big part in the story, considering the dream and the title haha. Can't wait to read more of this as I'm very interested what plans you have for this story.
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Last edited by Bay Alexison; December 5th, 2011 at 10:48 AM. Reason: "hate", not "have" x_x
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  #4    
Old December 5th, 2011, 12:33 AM
Misheard Whisper's Avatar
Misheard Whisper
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Well, uh . . . hmm. I've been meaning to properly review some more of your stuff for a while, and this is a perfect opportunity. There's not going to be terribly much I can say about this, as there's not much to go on at the moment. I do like what you have done here, though. It creates a mood without giving away anything about the story whatsoever, presenting a character who could have any kind of significance.

This sentence, I would change:

Quote:
The foot felt no such water, but the girl that it belonged to knew it was there.
While I get what you're going for, I just feel that the impact was lessened a little by the awkward phrasing. By making the foot the subject of the first clause, you almost personify it, which is a bit odd in and of itself. The second part of the sentence, however, really makes it feel strange to read.

Overall, though, a nice sense of mystery created using language suitable for the medium. I'm keen to find out what comes next.

And you're as good at dropping fics as I used to be. It gets easier, I promise. *gestures towards Champion Game, Chapter 26*
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