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  #1    
Old December 6th, 2011 (01:45 PM). Edited December 6th, 2011 by SuperTrainStationH.
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Trainer, master, friend,

I am so proud and grateful to have lived my life as your Pokémon.

From the moment you chose me, my life truly had meaning. You made me more than just myself, you made me yours.

Yours to love, to cuddle, to share with, to play with in the summer sun, to keep warm on winter nights, to distill strength and talent out of, to fight for you, to protect you.

And then at last, to die for you.

I dearly wish I could tell you it wasn't your fault, tell you that you were brave and strong and did everything you could to bring us both home safely, tell you that I was glad to do what I did even though I was sore afraid. I wish I could lick your tears away.

But I can't now. I can't see or feel or hear anything now. The only thing from the world we shared that reaches here is the song of your weeping heart, but even that is becoming distant, no longer for me to know.

I want you to know that I'm safe now. The pain and fear I felt in that final moment can never reach me here. But I miss you already.

I miss being alive. I miss senses and sensations. I miss my body and the unceasingly wonderful world it was attached to. I miss my heart that kept on beating knowing you would be there to feel its gentle thump when you snuggled with me every night.

I'm already forgetting what being part of that world was like, being alive and surrounded by your affection. The more I cling to those memories the more they crumble like fallen leaves.

There's another Pokémon here with me. She's beautiful, and warm, and she's come to guide me to what lies beyond the living world. There's no other world awaiting me, just an infinite, beautiful future. There I'll forget everything and dissolve back into that precious flow that makes all things possible.

While your heart still beats, my love will live on inside you. You can still speak to me in your imagination, touch me in your dreams, savor the memories we shared as companions in this brief flash of consciousness.

You can even imagine me lying in the shade of a tree in some other-worldly paradise, waiting for you to join me. Though you may not be able to see it yourself, the things your living brain can create are more real than you'll ever realize. To live on as an angel in the heaven of your mind would be more than I could ever ask for.

So cry for me, as I wish I could for you. Feel, savor the thrill of life for us both while you still can, and move on. Share the gift of your love with another Pokémon whose heart is starved as mine was before you saved me.

The world we shared as living creatures is pushing me away now. The last warmth and light I have is the Pokémon by my side, and she's ready to escort me into infinity, and I'm ready to follow her.

Long from now, when your heart stops beating, you'll experience her beauty for yourself. When you look into her, you'll know that I once did as well, and be happy knowing that when she guides you away from the world where you lived as a human, that you'll be home with me again, for eternity.
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Old December 6th, 2011 (03:14 PM).
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Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
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The concept of Pokemon death is not one often explored in fanfiction, I find. Well, perhaps I lie - it happens often, but it's usually trivialised or overdone. This manages to find something of a balance between the two. It's a precarious balance, though. While the very fact that the entire subject matter is death prevents it from being trivialised, it does lean somewhat towards that side. While I enjoy your use of tone - you've made it feel quite sombre and serious, which I appreciate - I do feel as perhaps a little more could have been added while still retaining the concise feeling you have here.

For example, I feel that a specific shared memory from the Pokemon's past with their Trainer wouldn't have gone amiss. Something not too powerful would have evoked a little more sympathy - because that's what I feel is lacking a little. You do a splendid job of describing how the Pokemon feels now, for sure, but the emphasis on the past is fleeting at best, and feels as if it's a bit skipped over. While you do mention the shared past at a few points, it just seems like it could have been put across with a bit more force. If that even makes any sense.

In terms of good things I haven't touched on already, I really liked the imagery in this line:
Quote:
The more I cling to those memories the more they crumble like fallen leaves.
It's simple - no unnecessary embellishment - but it's an effective image because it draws a subliminal parallel beyond what's explicitly stated. Not only do the memories crumble like fallen leaves, but they also lie dead on the ground. Where was that other bit I liked . . . ? Oh, yes. This:

Quote:
I dearly wish I could tell you it wasn't your fault, tell you that you were brave and strong and did everything you could to bring us both home safely, tell you that I was glad to do what I did even though I was sore afraid. I wish I could lick your tears away.

But I can't now. I can't see or feel or hear anything now.
From a storytelling view, that was an impressive bit of misdirection, intentional or otherwise. It made me wonder for a moment whether this was going to turn nasty and have the Pokemon blaming their Trainer for their failure, which doesn't happen often. When it became clear in the next paragraph, though, it brought me back to ground quite effectively, which is what a technique like that should do.

On the whole, the piece was enjoyable. There was a good emphasis on the feelings of the Pokemon, but I think it did lose a bit of its emotional impact due to a confusion of the two main emotions: loss (or sadness) and hope (or happiness of a kind). While each of the two works, when you conflate them like this it made it a little difficult for me to connect to the piece on an emotional level simply because I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to feel.

There wasn't any context in the story, but I don't feel it needed it. I normally wouldn't even comment on that, but I get the feeling that somebody will take issue with it.
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Old December 6th, 2011 (03:54 PM).
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Wow, that thing you mentioned at the end of the second quote was an excellent observation. I never read it like that before and you're right.

I didn't see it because me having written it myself in the first person, I knew what the Pokémon was feeling and thinking and intending with those words.

I can't say I'd change it yet though, since I get the impression you seemed to like it a bit even though it through you off. Is that right?

And yes, the hope and loss are kind of tangled in a way that can come of as somewhat discordant, and a longer piece with some more context and story to it would have given them more space, but for this piece in particular I felt it was stronger being concise without being completely abstract.

Thank you so much for reading and for your valuable feedback!
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Old December 6th, 2011 (04:01 PM).
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Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
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Quote originally posted by SuperTrainStationH:
Wow, that thing you mentioned at the end of the second quote was an excellent observation. I never read it like that before and you're right.

I didn't see it because me having written it myself in the first person, I knew what the Pokémon was feeling and thinking and intending with those words.
That's often the case. Everyone sees a story differently, and sometimes even the author can be surprised by what people dig out of their prose, haha.

Quote:
I can't say I'd change it yet though, since I get the impression you seemed to like it a bit even though it through you off. Is that right?
Oh yeah, I did like it. Definitely. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. I just tend to focus on problems more than positives . . .
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Old December 6th, 2011 (07:04 PM).
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I'm already forgetting what being part of that world was like, being alive and surrounded by your affection. The more I cling to those memories the more they crumble like fallen leaves.
Like Misheard Whisper, this is my favorite part in the story. I just love the simile--simple but effective.

There had been a few stories dealing with Pokemon after they die and I quite enjoy this a lot. It's a very bittersweet piece with the Pokemon very content being around with its trainer and wanting him/her to pass on that love to another Pokemon. I want to say though I have to agree with Misheard Whisper that it's a bit hard to feel attached to the Pokemon because how close the Pokemon and trainer are was vague when the Pokemon didn't mention any memories it had with the trainer. Having the Pokemon recall a few short ones would make the feelings he said in the story more powerful I believe. MW gave a bit more detail on how to do that, so I won't repeat here, lol.
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Old December 8th, 2011 (05:27 AM).
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Thirding the whole 'that line was the best' statements being made above, as it was also my favourite. XD

Nicely written all in all - quite liked the way you wrote it and how it played out. I liked how the emotions were portrayed personally; it seemed to fit well/make sense that the Pokemon would be happy and sad for myself. I do have to also agree though that it would have been more effective had there been some more specific memories - it did seem a bit lacking due to the absence of those.

I also wonder what that Pokemon acting as the guide was - my initial guess had been the same species of the narrator's but it seemed hinted later on that it's a specific kind that is not necessarily the same, or at least always the same guide, so I wonder about those bits there out of curiosity.
Quote:
tell you that I was glad to do what I did even though I was sore afraid.
'so afraid', maybe? Although I suppose you could have purposefully made the expression that he was so afraid as to be sore, but that still strikes me as sounding a bit off personally.

Nice work with this overall - an enjoyable piece. =)
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Old December 8th, 2011 (05:33 AM).
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Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
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Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
'so afraid', maybe? Although I suppose you could have purposefully made the expression that he was so afraid as to be sore, but that still strikes me as sounding a bit off personally.
I skipped over that because I read it as a less common form of 'sorely'. Using 'sore' as an intensifying adverb like that is grammatically correct as far as I know, but it's awfully archaic.

/2cents
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Old December 8th, 2011 (12:46 PM).
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SuperTrainStationH SuperTrainStationH is offline
 
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Thanks everyone. I pretty much decided not to expand on this in particular since part of what I was going for was to leave it just ambiguous enough that the reader could imagine any Pokémon in that role, and to expand into specific memories I feel I'd kinda have to turn this into more of a proper short story.

So I'll take what I learned here in mind, read some more stuff by others, and eventually get to posting something else of my own in time.

Thanks all!
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