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Old November 24th, 2011 (7:02 PM).
frawst's Avatar
frawst frawst is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 24
By Me

How can you do this
When you know I am right there?
I have put myself out there for you
given you everything I have
worked for everything we have
and here you are
Feet intwined with anothers
not mine, no
my best friends.
How could you commit and deny
The worst for us
Killing 'us'.
We are no more.
I am no more.
Good Bye.

Feedback Warmly welcomed! Let me know what you think
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Old December 2nd, 2011 (5:27 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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This was alright I felt - short but sweet. Or bitter I suppose given the topic and all. =p I liked the repetition in it of 'I/we have' and 'no more' in it. I do feel that a bit more emotion could have been shown personally as towards the end it felt that you explained a bit too much about why he was upset when it had already been shown effectively - a bit too much I suppose for my taste in going on about 'the worst of us, killing 'us''.
Feet intwined with anothers
not mine, no
my best friends.
another's and friend's there over what you have there (for instance with the latter it is current suggesting that the other was with multiple best friends, not one friend's foot being entwined, which I think is the word you wanted to use there too? May be an american english thing though possibly or just that I didn't encounter that spelling). Of course if you meant the person was sleeping with multiple people at the same time it fits. =p
Good Bye.
I feel this would be better as one word; ie 'Goodbye'.
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Old December 9th, 2011 (5:54 PM).
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Squirrel Squirrel is offline
Momentai :D
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: England
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 8,552
Wow, this is a horrific scenario for anyone to ever be in... The way you've portrayed it is bedazzling. I like the writing style here, as I read through it it began to feel like more and more kept being realised by the poor individual who's life had been pulled apart in front of him. I'm wondering if "When you know I am right there?" should be "right here?"? I love the use of the phrase "everything I/we have", it really shows the true emotion being portrayed throughout the work. Here: "Feet intwined with anothers not mine, no my best friends", "anothers" and "friends" should both have an apostrophe before the 's' in order to show that the feet belong to the other person, where as at the moment it seems to imply that the woman is going around many friends at once (which could be what you meant?). I very much like it here: "Killing 'us'" where you have put the word "us" in quotation marks, it's such a strong representation of the emotions being portrayed throughout the poem. Overall a great poem, I very much enjoyed reading this work. I can't wait to see any of your future works, hopefully you'll start to experiment with other types of mechanisms throughout. :)
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Old December 10th, 2011 (2:41 PM).
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Palladium Palladium is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Brazil, why?
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Posts: 275
Well, I really liked it, the poem conveyed the emotion of the lyrical being ( the one that says the poem) perfectly. I’m not sure why having a feet entwine with another person would be something offensive, I mean I can imagine, but the metaphor wasn’t very good.

As said before, I think you meant “another’s” and “friend’s” rather than “anothers” and “friends”, and I think that that one line before the last one, could have been worded better, I mean, “I am no more” could have either multiple meanings or none at all depending on the reader. To some that aren’t as creatively inclined, the lack of complement might be fatal. And to those that are, they can think many things.

I really liked the pace, and situation, however. And the poem flowed quite nicely. So, you have talent, I loved it and will be sure to come back if you ever make another.

That was it, hope it was helpful.

"The past has gone, and the future's uncertain, but now is a gift, that's why it's called present"

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