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  #1    
Old December 3rd, 2011, 04:44 PM
darkpokeball's Avatar
darkpokeball
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Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

Poem #1: Lost

Spoiler:

Gone, lost forever
Missing, found never
Fear, Scared torment
Night, fatal demon sent
Wish, hope to see once more
Crushed, wasted, feelings tore


Poem #2: Who am I?

Spoiler:

Sent on a mission to Earth
Created, never given birth
Bound with a defective robot
Love the thought to have Earth rot
Green skinned, attends skool
Disgusted by Earth-monkey drool
Afraid of things called germs
Will annihalate all Earth-worms

Note: School is mispelled purposely to give anyone a clue as to who it might be

Poem #3: Waterslide

Spoiler:

Water rushing, pulse racing
Afraid of what you're facing
Exactly just how high are you
People say it's safe, is it true
Look at how fast it's going
The water never slowing
Get on, deep breath, scared
About to go down, feeling teared
Should you back out
Give in to the overwhelming doubt
Wait another second, stay strong
Running away would be wrong
Count down, get ready to go
When doubt comes, say no
Three, two, one
You're going, no more time to run
Slide up the sides
Of the waterslide
Feeling happy, excited, full of glee
Goodbye to all that fearful misery
And...you slide off the side
Of that fatal waterslide
Fall down tons of feet
And such a tormented end you meet
Dead

I will say the ending was a bit dark on that one. But who cares?!
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  #2    
Old December 10th, 2011, 06:07 PM
Major Ziggs's Avatar
Major Ziggs
This'll be a blast!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: England
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpokeball View Post
Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

Poem #1: Lost

Spoiler:

Gone, lost forever
Missing, found never
Fear, Scared torment
Night, fatal demon sent
Wish, hope to see once more
Crushed, wasted, feelings tore

--
Wow, I very much like this poem. There's such a dark setting behind it which really complements the intricate title of the one word "Lost" standing alone, with nothing by its side. The mechanism you've used with the dramatic concept followed by a comma and story evolution was very well-received whilst reading the poem, it adds a huge sense of power behind the words, emphasizing just what they mean to you and this poem. I do wonder if full stops would be welcome in this poem just to add the the drama behind the statements in each line, but I suppose the recurring pause is implied whilst reading the poem. Words such as "crushed", "fatal" and "fear" really help to show just what you mean by the term "Lost" and what the poem is trying to relay, good choice of words throughout. Great work on this poem, impressive!

As for the other poems: #2 I can't work out (but I think it could be Genosect?) and #3... wow... that's dark. xD
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Old December 10th, 2011, 07:02 PM
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Can't say I can work out number 2 either - your mention of the 'skool' clue doesn't suggest much Pokemon-y to me so I'm guessing it isn't one but I'm afraid I didn't get the subject. Ah well. It was interesting although I felt the rhyming sounded a bit forced with that poem in that some lines (like the fifth and sixth) didn't feel to match up that well beyond the rhyming-with-each-other aspect. I'd suggest maybe considering 'Loves the thought' as well (rather than Love without the s), and with 'annihalate' I think it ought to be spelt 'annihilate'.

The waterslide poem I quite liked - certainly captured the person's uneasiness about going on the water sldie with the whole preparation part there, and the opening line started it off particular well imo. The ending was certainly a twist I didn't expect - maybe you could have forgone 'dead' at the end as the conclusion is pretty obvious without it after all, I feel, and I would suggest maybe changing 'And...you slide off the side' to 'Then you slide off the side' and hence remove the ellipse as the pause it creates somewhat unsettles the flow, and also removing the pause should make the twist that bit more sudden and surprising. Besides that all in all a nicely pulled poem, imo.
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