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  #1    
Old December 11th, 2011, 04:06 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
A story I came up with after a visit to MephilezShadow's Youtube channel and seeing his background. I promise it won't close because of inactivity like my Pokemon one did. This shall be completed!
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Prolouge

He had no choice but to run. They were after him. He ran a long way, and even when he was tired, he kept running. But they soon caught up and attacked. He was knocked to the ground, still alive and awake, but severly injured. The things had sphere bodies with ten bat wings, five wings on each side Then, the ruler of them appeared in front of him, floating in mid-air. The being was Mephiles. He looked up at Mephiles, still very hurt."Why.....why are you after me....." the hedghog said as he fell to the ground once more.

Mephiles landed in front of him and replied "Because, Shadow. You did seal me away before. But that was five hundred years ago, and you are still alive." Shadow was then pulled up by dark electricity to Mephiles, who rose into the air once more. "Now, tell me where the girl is," the dark being commanded. "N-no....I promised her I wouldn't......" Shadow replied before being slammed back into the ground. He was even more hurt then before, his body stinging from the dark electricity. "Well then, I shall make you." Mephiles then threw a ball of darkness towards Shadow, knocking the black and red hedgehog into a large tree.

Shadow slid down onto the ground, severely hurt. "I.........still...........won't tell........." he stuttered. The hedgehog was almost dead. He was then surrounded by more black electricity, which formed into a ball, trapping him. Mephiles laughed. "Ah Shadow, you are so easily defeated. Now......." He knew that since Shadow was weak, this would be easy. Mephiles floated behind Shadow, removed the black electricity, kept him floating in the air, and clawed his head slowly but painfully. Shadow screamed. If Mephiles kept it up, the black and red hedgehog would soon die. "Stop it....please.....stop..." Shadow grunted as the sharp claws dug into his head, slowly killing him more every second.

Mephiles snickered, then said "Why should I? This is the perfect form of revenge after all. But if you want to die from something else, then so be it. I'm sure a wild animal will come along and devour you." Mephiles then punched Shadow in the head, knocked him unconscious, then lifted him to the ground and disappeared. The whole time, a light blue hedgehog with white stripes on her spines was watching. She wore an icy blue kimono with dark blue ankle shoes. She ran out from her hiding spot when Mephiles was gone, and picked up the unconcious and severely injured Shadow. She then ran to her home to take care of the black and red hedgehog.
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30

Last edited by juniebug910; December 11th, 2011 at 05:25 PM.
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  #2    
Old December 11th, 2011, 04:59 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Well I haven't seen you around for a while. So this is a Sonic the Hedghog fanfiction? We'll see how this goes then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
But they soon caught up and attacked. He was knocked to the ground, still alive and awake, but severly injured. Then, the ruler of them appeared in front of him, floating in mid-air. The being was Mephiles. He looked up at Mephiles, still very hurt.
You refer to "they" a lot here, it's still very vague. At least put in a small little word defining what they are, before you use they. It helps with clarity. In addition, there is very little to no description here. It would be more interesting if we could actually visualize what's happening here rather than simple actions. Spice it up a bit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
"Why.....why are you after me....." the hedghog said as he fell to the ground once more.
Space here
Mephiles landed in front of him and replied "Because, Shadow. You did seal me away before. But that was five hundred years ago, and you are still alive."
Remember to space out dialogue when the next set of dialogue is a different speaker.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
"Now, tell me where the girl is." the dark being commanded.
You should have a comma after "is" instead of a period. This is to signify that the dark being actually commanded it and is in the same sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
He was even more hurt then before.
Yeah, another bit about description. I would suggest that adding in what's hurting helps, like if his back was burnt and sore being hit with electricity or something. "He's hurt" is a bit too bland.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
Shadow slid down onto the ground, severly hurt. "I.........still...........won't tell........." he stuttered.
The correct spelling for the bolded text is "severely". As for the amount of periods typed, it would be better to use an ellipse which is simply "..." or three periods. It looks more professional and less spam-y.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
Mephiles then clawed until Shadow was unconcious, then lifted him to the ground and dissapeared.
The respective spellings are as follows: unconscious, disappeared. Okay, now that's cleared up, we can talk about content. You said Mephiles clawed Shadow so that he would be unconscious, but he's clawing him. So unless he's clawing Shadow so that he loses a significant amount of blood, I find it hard to believe. It would be better if Mephiles just kicked him in the head, since Shadow is on the ground writhing in pain. Anything that would actually cause a concussion would be nice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juniebug910 View Post
She ran out from her hiding spot when Mephiles was gone, picked up the unconcious and severly injured Shadow, and ran to her home to take care of the black and red hedgehog.
Same spelling mistakes here, I hope you can see those. As for the sentence itself, I bolded the second part because it is in need of a conjunction. So after "gone" put in "and". It's just grammatically correct. But for this whole sentence, it's all a bit runny and you could fix it up a bit. For the last part, starting with, "and ran to her home", you could take out the comma and say, "She ran to her home..." It's neater too.

So this is a prologue. It leaves out some information, referring to characters, and we already have our antagonist! At least it gives a few questions as to why Mephiles is beating the crap out of Shadow. However, leaving Shadow to die seems a bit off. Personally, I'd be sure he was dead. I know it'll be hard to actually put in a way so that Mephiles would allow him to live, but it just doesn't make sense. It could be interesting if you geared it to be a plot factor, since Shadow already survived once before.

I would also like to know why Shadow couldn't fight back. But I guess you can answer that in future installments.

Just be sure to look over your work, especially for things like spelling and grammar. I'd suggest typing it up in a word processor, or at least spellcheck it.

That aside, it looks promising. Good luck on your writing!
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  #3    
Old December 11th, 2011, 05:15 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Thanks for the review! Didn't know how the words were spelled for about my whole life! Yeah, pathetic, I know.

Anyway, editing.....now!

Also, Shadow couldn't fight back because of the....'things' that were attacking him.
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30
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  #4    
Old December 14th, 2011, 04:29 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Next chapter!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1
Shadow's PoV

My vision was blurry at first, but as my sight got clearer, I could make out the image of a light blue hedgehog with white stripes above me. Once my vision was normal, the hedgehog, who was a girl surprisingly, smiled and said "Oh thank goodness, you are ok! When I saw you getting attacked by that other hedgehog, I was so worried!" Wait, this girl hedgehog had saved me? Then again, Mephiles DID knock me out, so I didn't know what happened after that. She then added "My name is Shiver, what about you?" I sat up and replied a little rudely "My name is Shadow. That other hedgehog you saw that knocked me out was Mephiles."

As soon as I said Mephiles, Shiver froze, then shook it off. "Shadow, huh? Cool name!" she said, it was like nothing at all happened. But I needed to find Mephiles and get my revenge for almost killing me! I tried to get up, but a pain in my leg prevented me from doing so. Shiver grabbed my arm and said "You shouldn't move right now Shadow, you are still very hurt. Is there a reason you want to leave so quickly?" There was Mephiles of course, but I did have another reason to leave. "Y-yes, there is a reason. I need to find my friend. With Mephiles on the loose, she is in grave danger." Then, I pulled out a picture of Elementic, my friend that Mephiles wanted for some reason. "Have you seen this hedgehog, Shiver?"

Shiver nodded quickly. "Yes I have! I saw her running towards the forest nearby as I ran back here with you." I felt better, so I got up and opened the door to come outside, then looked at Shiver and said "Guide me to these woods. You can travel with me, but only until Mephiles is sealed away again." Shiver nodded and we walked to the woods where Elementic could be.

Also, I gotta admit, Shiver was pretty cute.
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30

Last edited by juniebug910; January 6th, 2012 at 03:23 AM.
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  #5    
Old February 12th, 2012, 03:48 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Sorry I haven't posted in a while!But, next chapter!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2
Shiver's POV

Shadow and I walked towards the woods where the hedgehog had ran into. He just stared ahead. He seemed a bit,well, stubborn. Ok, I guess I kinda like guys who are stubborn,but I had just met him! Then my mind turned toward the other hedgehog he had mentioned, Mephiles. My heart was filled with hatred for that evil hedgehog. Horrid flashbacks sped through my mind.

Everyone ran in one direction or another. Then he came up. I stared at him,my hatred for him growing faster. My village was on fire. Everyone was dieing. "N-no. Why are you doing this?!" He smirked, then teleported away without a word. I didn't think twice. I ran out of my village, struck by fear that refused to leave. I left, but not before taking two items passed down in my family. The Scepter of Darkness, the onlything that could seal him. And Kori, the sacred sword forged from solid ice that would never melt.

When the flashback ended,we were in front of the forest.I nodded at Shadow,then we ran into the forest. As we ran, I thought of Kori resting in the seathe on my hip. A small glow came from it, but Shadow didn't seem to notice it. I would certainly have to use it, though. He would notice sooner or later. I shook it off, and kept on running into the forest with Shadow.

And ok, I'll admit it, Shadow is kinda hot.
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30
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  #6    
Old June 10th, 2012, 03:25 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
((Sorry it took a VERY long time!))

Chapter 3
Normal PoV

As the two slowed down, Shadow's pain came back. He fell to the ground groaning. "Shadow!" Shiver sat next to him and said "Are you ok?"

No answer.

A shock went through the hedgehog's mind. She tried again "Sh-shadow?"

Still no response.

Shiver looked down at his face. His eyes were closed,and he didn't respond to anything. Ok, now she KNEW that the damage was severe, but it now had an after-affect! "SHADOW!!!" Shiver picked him up and ran towards the forest's entrance.

Once there, she ran in the direction of her house. Shiver looked down at the unconscious Shadow in her arms. She noticed, now that he was this close, for the first time that he was covered with bruises and all sorts of injures. "Mephiles really did a number on you. More than I realized, I should have kept you back home."

Once at her house, Shiver gently put Shadow on her bed. When she felt his chest (that she enjoyed for some odd reason), a small heartbeat was felt. "His condition is getting worse." Shiver whispered to herself. Suddenly, she heard a small groan. "Sh-shadow?"

The black hedghog's eyes were a little glazed, like a venomous snake had just bit him five seconds ago.
"Shiver....ugh." He coughed up a bit of blood, causing Shiver to step back a bit. The light blue hedgehog, in a shaky voice, said "You need to rest, Shadow. I'll stay here with you." A few tears rolled down her cheeks, which Shadow noticed. He chuckled and whispered "Worrying over someone like me...."

Shiver's head shot up. 'What...what do you mean?" Shadow frowned and whispered to her everything about his past with Maria, GUN, Sonic, everything. "I'm a monster, Shiver. I-"

"DON'T FINISH!"

Shiver yelled a bit, surprising the black hedgehog. "YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER! I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS!" Shadow frowned. "Shiver...urgh,help....." His eyes were even more glazed then before as he slowly fell unconscious once again.

Shiver stared at Shadow, scared. "Shadow...NO!"

That was when the glow came.
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30
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  #7    
Old June 17th, 2012, 03:35 PM
juniebug910's Avatar
juniebug910
Dragon of Light
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Playing pranks on Ash ^^
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
((Just letting you know, the purple text is a monster speaking, and light blue is something called a Devahog.))

Chapter 4
Shiver's POV

A bright glow came from my body. Though there was no pain, a light blue gem emerged. I knew what it was. it was a Chaos Emerald. After the first battle with Mephiles was over, the emeralds had gone to places unknown. But why was one in me?

I instantly knew what to do. I place the emerald near Shadow, and the light enveloped him, healing his wounds. Once the bright light shone no more, I hid the emerald in a small brown shoulder bag. Shadow was waking up!

His red eyes met my blue, and the black hedgehog said "See,I'm fine Shiver." I smiled and nodded, unable to speak.

After helping him up, and grabbing my bag, we got back to where we last were and finally reached the middle of the forest. Shadow looked around and asked "Where is she?" I shrugged. "I'm sure I saw her go this way. Weird, why would she-"

Suddenly, the ground started to shake violently. A large darkness covered us, but onyl this part of the forest. Shadow then yelled "UP THERE!" A large monster slammed onto the ground.

It was the size of 2 houses, as long as a football field, and was pitch black. It had 3 eyes, all lime green with lined pupils. It was shaped like a spider, and had purple stripes all over its body and legs.

Shadow growled. "We have to fight!" He then jumped up and started to attack it. I imediently grabbed Kori and pulled it out of its seath. Shadow looked a bit surprised,and while he was distracted, the monster swung one leg towards him. I jumped, got in front of Shadow, and slashed the leg. It didn't fall off, but it went away. The black hedgehog looked over at me and said "Thanks. Nice sword." I smirked, then we continued to fight.

I decided this was the perfect time to test out my discovery. I pulled out the emerald, again surprising Shadow, even more this time. But the spider seemed excited. "Me find emerald! Master be proud if I bring emerald back! Now both hedgehogs see wrath of Jaakuna!" Jaakuna then leaped towards me. But before he even got close, I teleported. Yes, Chaos Control. A light blue glow then enveloped my body, making me rise to the air and creating a shield.

A sudden memory flashed through my mind. It was me with six other hedgehogs. The words Devahog, Mari, Protecters went through my mind. I remembered my past now.

And then, the glow enveloped the entire area. My voice, along with an older woman's voice, echoed through the area. "Evil being who follows the past of darkness. You shall now feel the strength of Mari, one of the second Devahogs, a spirit of ice, a protecter to all good and light."
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The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Copy and paste this into your sig if you think bullying is wrong. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes. -Taken from chef30
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