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  #1    
Old November 2nd, 2011, 08:44 PM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20

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Hello there, I'm Teezee, and you have stumbled into my modest little poetry thread. I don't take poetry that seriously, I write because I do think that this is the only way in which I could write down what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking, so don't expect too much from my works, but anyway. I do hope that you guys are gonna enjoy reading, criticisms are also welcomed with open arms. :)

SUMMARY:
BLESS YOUR SOUL
GRANDFATHER'S LETTER
BROKEN WINDOWS
BIG LOVE
I'LL NEVER BE YOU
RESPONSIBLE
CHANGE
BURN
TIME STILL TICKS ON
KUREN (HAIKU)
ALIVE
MESS OF A MAN
DEJA-VU
UNTITLED
A FEELING?
HAIKU 2


Spoiler:

BLESS YOUR SOUL

Phony as a paper doll
Who takes the mold
Of its creators’ hands
And bends with the wind.

You adapt yourself
To the current environment
While you leave your brain
A thousand miles behind.

Nothing you say is authentic
And your defenses are laughable.

You claim to be freethinking
Yet you recycle old thoughts.

Bless your soul
For being so green.

Bless your soul
For being the Messiah
Of your own fake world.


Aand another one! I just felt inspired when I watched a documentary film about a grandfather's love for his grandchildren.
Spoiler:

In this moment,
so divine.
In this light,
I lose my mind.

Standing here, you watch over me,
While my sight fades to ebony.
And tomorrow I shall not see,
but right now is all I need.

In this hour I am broken,
but in the next I am restored.
As the song birds softly chyme,
I'll stand at Heaven's door.

Just lay me down sweetly,
in my favorite blue jeans.
And in the frigid twilight,
I'll greet you in your dreams.

I now close my eyes,
and exhale my final breath.
Please son, just remember,
that love doesn't end with death.


This wasn't intended to be a poem, it was a song. I've removed some of the parts to make it's structure look like a poem, so basically that's the whole story behind it.
Spoiler:

BROKEN WINDOWS

My tears are falling.
Doors are locked up.
Do you suffer as I do?
I am bleeding.
Can you feel it?
The silence in my heart.

Clock is ticking.
I am wasting.
All of my time in this room.
I am severing.
Can you feel it?
This pain in my heart.

Staring in my broken window.
Skies are crying.
Never ending.
Trees falls down as I did.
Can I stand up?
Like I used to?
And forget what we've been through?

I can feel the gust of wind.
Deep inside my soul.
Breaking glasses and dishes.
These feelings within me.
The grounds are rising.
Should I wake up?
This heart that had been in sleep.
Should I open?
These eyes that had been blind.

I'll be fixing this window.
Until this story ends.

Last edited by Snivy063; January 1st, 2012 at 05:07 AM.
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  #2    
Old November 4th, 2011, 08:29 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I wrote this yesterday, it's entitled Big Love. :')
Spoiler:
BIG LOVE

Running so far
That I may get lost
In the red interior
Of your big love.

Falling so deep
That I make my bed
Within the red interior
Of your big love.

Swimming so frantically
That I may be taken under
By the red interior
Of your big love.

Running so far
That I may trip
And tear through the red interior
Of your big love.
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  #3    
Old November 4th, 2011, 01:45 PM
SeekerOfDarkness's Avatar
SeekerOfDarkness
You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: The Clock Tower
Age: 18
Gender: Male
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So, I'm not a very good critic, so I don't know how much what I say will matter to you, but I'm gonna criticize these anyways.

So, I guess I'll start with this: (from Broken Windows)
Quote:
Trees falls down as I did
Not sure if this is on purpose or not, but shouldn't it be "fall" not "falls"? Not that this is major, but I read "Broken Windows" and saw that, and it forced me to trip up as I read. Everything else, I think, is fine.

Now, on to actual criticism. I might tend to ramble and stop making sense, so if I do, feel free to ignore it.

Bless Your Soul - I saw the title of this poem, and loved it. The problem is, (and maybe it's just me) I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Perhaps if you could tell me what this poem is about, then I could criticize it better. It just seems like a very indecisive poem; what I mean by that is you sound like you are chastising someone about being fake, but then you say "bless your soul". Maybe "bless your soul" is sarcastic?
Also, one more thing here.
Quote:
Nothing you say is authentic
And your defenses are laughable.

You claim to be freethinking
Yet you recycle old thoughts.
I feel like each of these stanzas (stanzi?) is incomplete when I read it, especially the first of those two. I would highly suggest merging them, but hey. It's your poem, and you're free to do what you want.

? - I like this one. Personally, I like more emotional poems, and this one seems to have much more emotion in it than the others. I also think that this poem has a really nice flow. Being able to make your poems flow naturally is an amazing gift, and flow and rythym are, for me, the two hardest parts of poem writing.
I can see the meaning of this poem easier. If I am correct, this one is about death not being the end, no? I can understand how naming it would be difficult, but if I were to suggest names, I would say something like "Unending" or "Endless". But maybe you don't want to name this, and that's perfectly okay. Like I've said before, it's your poem, and you should do what you want with it.

Broken Windows - Since I have never heard the song "Skyscraper", and since I'm too lazy to look up the lyrics, I can't tell how it might relate to your poemsong at all (yes I made up that word). So I'll critique it as if it was totally unrelated to anything ever.
I like that each line in this poem ends with punctuation. It gives it a more heartfelt feel, maybe? I'm not totally sure if that's the right word. This poem has character of an emotionally scarred person on the brink of insanity. It seems that the narrator feels trapped by the broken relationship, and that he/she will be stuck fixing it forever. The flow of this one is okay, I guess, but I don't think it's as good as your nameless poem. But I realize it's a song as well as a poem, so it's understandable that the rythym would be a little strange. Overall, this one is good, but a little off in terms of rythym.

I'm running out of time, so I won't criticize your fourth poem right now. But I hope my reviews on the other three helped some, and thanks for posting here!
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  #4    
Old November 4th, 2011, 07:26 PM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
Wow, I never expected someone to post a review as long as this one! :'o .. Thanks anyway. I'll try to take note to what you've said.

Anyway, this poem is a poem that I wrote a year ago, so I'm not sure if it's good, but my friend helped me write it. :D
Spoiler:
If you could look in my mirror
You'd see that I'm a monster
Hiding from the city lights
In this dark stormy alley
I thought I held it all
A gift, this so called "life"
That's all been washed away
By the tears in her eyes
Cascading down the walls
Once set to protect me
A prisoner of my own design
Struggling to break them down
Being invincible means nothing
If I can't ever be vulnerable
To the feelings I once cherished
The same that I'm now scared of
A heart that once beat for love
Has since decayed to dust
No longer capable of feeling
The warmth in me is fleeting
I fine no place to be safe
I fear what I've found true
I speak from lips turned blue
With my last breath I gasp
"I'll never be you"

Last edited by Snivy063; November 12th, 2011 at 07:26 AM.
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  #5    
Old November 7th, 2011, 03:16 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
This is entitled Responsible, enjoy!
Spoiler:

RESPONSIBLE

The sky is grey, God's lost our trust,
which agonizing dreams are waiting for us?
The silence is staggering, for a rainy day,
the tree's confident color, just fades away.

The streets are empty, no soul out there,
but if I look deep inside, I don't care.
Everybody's fault for the world's state,
but nobody's fault for the world today.

And all the foremans, thy all lied,
I don't know anymore who's on my side.
Who's responsible for the pain out there?
People in war, because we won't dare?

And people in pain for no reason at all,
Shouldn't we listen to their dying call?
Gunshots surround us, bullets fly past,
How could death sneak up on us so fast?

And while God erases Heaven and its key,
while death surrounds, and absorbs me,
I seem to realize our destiny, the truth,
When everyone stands on the edge of the roof,

It may be us, who are responsible for the shame,
but it are us, who must build up world's face again.
Don't give up, don't let go,
World's faith rests upon us, and we all know.


Aaand, another one called Change. Criticisms are greatly appreciated. ^^
Spoiler:
CHANGE
I'd had it up to here with chasing thrills
Guess I was done with choking down these pills
Tried to bottle it up tight, but still it spilled
I thought I was lost, thought I was broken
I'd be better off with the words not spoken
I believed life was better with eyes not open
So many times I'd been called no good, useless
Til you placed your hand in mine and said "use this"
At first I thought, could this be a dream, truth is
As you spoke, your smile broke through the dark
And your eyes were gleaming like two spot lights
The words you spoke made me feel it was alright
Even though words lie, I found trust in your eyes
For the first time, I'd begun to feel alive

Last edited by Snivy063; November 7th, 2011 at 03:33 AM.
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  #6    
Old November 8th, 2011, 02:31 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I wrote this poem when I was lurking around the library early this morning, it is definitely not my best, but it's worth writing it! It's called Burn.
Spoiler:

BURN

Feeling left out and stretched out
I just can't let the rest out
Cleaning up after your mess now
How I got here, just can't guess how
Staring down a brokedown clock
Seconds and minutes come to a stop
Nothing stays and everything changes
Searching for a new place to hang this
I've lost sight of the light on the horizon
I need something new to set my eyes on
Somewhere new to write these lies on
Can't remember how to start this
Making my way out of this mist
Don't know how many signs I missed
Sinking down with my chest underground
Water fills my lungs from the undertow
I've Lost my fear of all that's below
It's just another chapter in this show
Change the channel, avert your eyes
You've hidden from me and my disguise
As I lay cursed and lost in my lies
Watching the clouds chase the sky
Inhale a deep breath and exhale a sigh
Steam escapes my lips darting upward
My mouth moves but can't speak a word
Minutes and seconds seem to be frozen
Lost in a moment, unable to hold it
It was here, I swear it's been stolen
So pardon me while I burn this frame
Set blaze to the path I've followed
I've got a desire to set the fire
Turn my back and feel the burn
Once I burned, now it's your turn
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  #7    
Old November 9th, 2011, 12:09 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
And yet, another one! :'D .. I don't know what to call it, so it's untitled.
Spoiler:

Depiction of real life riddled in fiction
Running off of the masses new addictions
We're a puzzle and peices have gone missing
Haven't moved forward, just sit reminiscing
We all live to the rythrm of the tick-tock
And we know it won't stop until we drop
Down on our knees and beg at their feet
Knowing that we've dug holes just too deep
For our crimes to ever be forgiven
What kind of lives are we livin?
For each step forward, there's three back
Cross words become daggers in our backs
We stagger on in no particular direction
I no longer recognize my own reflection
Dreams and hopes, a deadly infection
Leading us astray into the smoke
We're here so close yet so alone
Somethings amiss in the dark morning mist
It must've been a sign that we missed
There is no light to lead the way
We'll still continue on, day by day
Just passing through, we can't ever stay
Footprints fade, and memories decay
Fueled by memories of brighter times
Waiting to find the right signs
Our eyes are weary and hearts are heavy
A perfect line, tired feet walk so steady
A force so strong, upon the horizon
They will sing our song when we are gone
Whence we've found for what we've longed
For even when it's done, time still ticks on
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  #8    
Old November 10th, 2011, 01:17 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I tried making a Haiku, and here's the result. :3 .. A little tribute to Japan ..
Spoiler:
Kurēn
Thousand paper cranes
swiftly gliding through the air
over the ruins
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  #9    
Old November 10th, 2011, 07:36 PM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
Updating this thread everyday makes me feel that I've accomplished much. :)

Here's a new one called Alive.
Spoiler:

ALIVE

I'm facing a mirror
Staring at a stranger
Unlocking this cage
Where I've kept my anger
Unmasking my pain
Beginning to face
What's made me insane
I've been living a lie
Wearing this fake smile
There's a darkness inside
That I've tried to hide
Pouring out into the world
covering everything I see
Taking all that I need
Lost sight of it all
Walking through the dark
Towards my last fall
A once familiar light
breaks through the night
Opening my eyes wide
For the first time, I'm alive
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  #10    
Old November 11th, 2011, 08:42 PM
Snivy063
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I wrote this yesterday while waiting for my Math class to end, XD
Spoiler:

MESS OF A MAN

I'm a mess that once was a man
with no one left to understand
I've been a fool for the few
And a flaw for the masses
I've been looking at life
Through dark colored glasses

Long forgotten memories and dreams
Used to keep me from falling apart
They've been discarded and shattered
For now I lay here in tatters
As the fire begins to consume me
Arising from the ashes, a new me

Just open up and let it flow
I've been lost but in control
Wandering through a deceitful snow
I have feelings I'll never show
Living life with a gaping hole
A walking shell with no soul
Picking up pieces to make me whole

The falling snow covers my tracks
As if to tell me I won't come back
The road home is long and cold
Night goes on and clouds roll in
Losing my way, the stars go dim
This is how I pay for my life of sin
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  #11    
Old November 13th, 2011, 01:45 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I prefer writing whenever I am bored, words just pops out from my head like they came from nowhere. XD
Spoiler:

DEJA-VU

I woke up today and looked in the mirror
What I saw lookin back at me startled me
There's a darkness in me and it's a part of me
Hiding from the world it's driving me berserk
It lurks below the surface keeps building up
til it spurts out like you hit a main artery
But I know you'll never get the the heart of me
I could almost swear I've seen this scene before
And that I've walked through this very door
Then again I've shut down all of my senses
So this all just seems pretty senseless
I've worn myself sore and defenseless
By now I thought I'd walk out and forget this
As I look upon myself so broken and lifeless
I had dreamed life would contain twice this
But it never lives to be half what the hype is
And I've seen the monster that lies within
It's scary how much I'm becoming like him
With each passing moment darkness takes hold
A touch replaces the cold with sweet warmth
The light in your eyes illuminates the shallows
Where I had thought I would drown in a reflection
Instead they mirror my own perfect imperfection
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  #12    
Old November 14th, 2011, 06:20 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
A simple poem I wrote today, wasn't the poem that I expected but oh well! D:
Spoiler:
The days are just too long
And my timings always wrong
It's just the same old song
But I just can't forget it
Just can't keep moving on
I think I'm going nuts
Maybe I just care too much
All I need is a simple sign
I don't mind taking my time
I hope that maybe one day
You'll take a look inside
To see what I try to hide
I know that I'm not perfect
You can't say I never tried
I try to speak the words
but instead my tongue is tied
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  #13    
Old November 16th, 2011, 11:55 PM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
It was a random poem, so wasn't expecting a good review. But, nonetheless, thank you. :D

New ones coming soon ~
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  #14    
Old November 29th, 2011, 06:38 AM
Snivy063
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
Aaaah! Forgot about my poetry thread! And I shall revive it with a new poem! :D

Spoiler:

A FEELING?
As you stepped right through that door,
stepping onto marble floor,
as your eyes would stare around,
searching for familiar ground,
then you saw her,oh her face,
instant freeze of time and space.
On her face an awkward smile,
reading through your cold heart's file,
as you tried to look away,
your surroundings felt so grey,
yet the colour of her eyes,
your salvation it provides.
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  #15    
Old December 10th, 2011, 02:27 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
It's really been a while, hasn't it?

Anyway, back with a new poem, expect more the next following days! :D
Spoiler:
Quote:
WAR

Darkness creeps in the lightless,
It haunts those with no soul.
The pain and suffering one feels,
Cannot be ended by a single blow.
Outcasted by difference,
Hunted from fear.
Trust no one you meet,
And no one that's near.
War is all there is,
It's bloody, gruesome, and where horror stains.
The norms against all that differs,
Blood drips like rain.
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  #16    
Old December 10th, 2011, 06:18 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
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I quite liked the War poem there - read nicely and had a nice atmosphere captured in it. I didn't see any mistakes either.

Favourite bit would be the line about darkness haunting those with no soul, although admittedly I would argue that it would also haunt those with a soul so maybe some rewording of the latter part would be something to consider? Not the first part though as I liked the expression of it haunt(ing). The second last line sounded a bit confusing to me as well and didn't quite link in with the last line in sound or subject imo, but otherwise I certainly enjoyed that poem. =)
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  #17    
Old December 29th, 2011, 06:05 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
Time to revive this thread! D: .. It's been a while hasn't it?

Anyway, I'm back with a haiku! :)
Spoiler:

Clear glass breaks quickly
when she dives beneath the depths
the wind sings with warmth.

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  #18    
Old December 29th, 2011, 07:53 AM
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Xeberos
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Location: Finland, Espoo
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Good job again Teezee! I really like your poems and haikus.
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  #19    
Old December 29th, 2011, 08:01 AM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
Thanks, Xeb! Basically, I was really lazy to write a full-length poem so I did a haiku. XD
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  #20    
Old January 1st, 2012, 11:15 PM
Snivy063
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 20
I'd like to congratulate this thread for winning Poem of the Month for November! ^^;;

New poems as well as haikus soon! I'm just so busy that I don't have the time to write! D:
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