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  #1    
Old January 15th, 2012, 09:01 PM
Gothitelle.
<3;
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Partyin' wit Segata Sanshiro
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Been inactive but now I wanted to rewrite this number, I hope it will be better than last time.

“WHOO HOO!”

A young Pokemon joyfully shouts out as she dives in and out of the water. The large, pink dragon Pokemon swiftly uses her hands to swim along the icy water as she reaches for the surface. The water itself was only 10 feet from the ground, so it was almost shallow water. From the top, the water was a crystal clear white with many ice blocks floating on its surface. From there, the Pokemon gradually comes up to the surface to breathe for air before she goes down to dive again. Before she does that, she shouts out to her partner, who is sitting on the beach itself.

“Hey Dialga, come on in! The water is awesome!” she shouted to a blue dragon sitting on the beach.

“No thanks…” Dialga said as he stared at the water long and hard. He sat there on the beach, watching the girl jump in and out of the water. In his mind, he wants to join her; however, he’s afraid that if he went in the water, than he would drown. Dialga doesn’t really know how to swim and he once had an incident where he almost drowned, so because of that, water was his worst enemy.

From where he was sitting, the beach looked rather wonderful. A clear blue sky, bright shining sun whose light illuminated the sky, clear white water and soft brown sand. Near the boardwalk, sits a small picket sign that reads ‘welcome to Blizzard Beach’. That explains why the water is so chilly and the ice blocks floating. This beach is famous for Is rather chilly temperatures.

Where the girl was at, the tides were starting to pick up as small waves began to form in the water. She kept jumping into the water and swimming below its surface until she needed to breathe again. For her, being underwater was water wonderful, because of the fact that besides from being a dragon type, she was also a water type. In the rain or underwater, she was fast and by fast, she was double her original speed. She often liked the swiftness of her movements as she swam under the water’s icy surface.

As she reached up to the surface, the tides began to get bigger and bigger which each wave that crashes on to the shore. The girl was staring at them for some time as she played in the water, but didn’t really think anything of them. The waves, even though were getting bigger, were not big enough to any harm to her. They were still merely small ripples of waves, lingering through the water. She turned back to Dialga, who was staring at her as he sat there.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” she asked with a smile that made him blush.


As he was about to answer her, he noticed an enormous wave, about fifteen feet in height, was coming toward her from behind. The wave was moving fast as it carried a lot of ice blocks and seaweed with it. With that, he got up from his spot and walked toward the water.

“Palkia, look behind you!” he yelled out to her as he motioned for her to look behind.

She turned around and in about six inches from her; the huge wave was speeding toward her. Because it was so close to her, she didn’t have much time to escape. She watched helplessly as the wave continues to make its way toward her. It got closer, closer and closer until…

It stopped…

The wave stood there froze in its path along with five ice blocks and a bunch of seaweed from the underground. The wave was about two inches shy from where Palkia was standing. Upon seeing the huge wave frozen in its tracks, she turned back to Dialga, who winked at her. A huge smile stretched across her face as her heart was beating in a fast pace.

“Dialga…” Palkia cooed. “You saved me!”

“Well-,” Dialga started to say.

Palkia quickly got out of the water and proceeded run to and wrap her arms around Dialga’s neck. She hugged him tightly and intimately.

“I love you,” she said in a cutesy tone.

A big smile grew on Dialga’s face as his face turned blood red. To him, it felt rather good to know that he saved her from being crushed by the wave. Without his quick thinking to stop time around the wave, Palkia would have drowned and since Dialga was fearful of water, he wouldn’t have been able to save her.

“I love you too, Palkia. That’s what partners are for, we love each other enough to look out for each other,” Dialga got to finally say.

Time finally released itself from the wave as it resumed to crash into the shore. Palkia turned around to stare at the remains of the large wave crashing into the shore. She was thinking that if only she was strong enough, she could have saved herself from the wave. However, she didn’t know how to except for Dialga’s time stopping powers, and she only controls space, not time. So other than that, she doesn’t know how to use her space powers to get her out of a sitiation such as this

“I wish I was strong enough to stop the wave myself,” Palkia sighed. “Like you are,” she said as she turned to Dialga.

“You’ll get there! And, to help you out, I will lend you my strength,” he replied. “But when we get home.”

“Really? Oh thank you! Thank you!” she squealed as she wrapped her arms tightly around him.

“BUT, you must ONLY use my strength when you REALLY need to use it. I’m serious, Palkia. Don’t use it so that you can impress those kids you’re always complaining about,” he said.

“I promise!” Palkia said as she hugged him tighter.

As Dialga was enjoying spending time with Palkia, he felt a great big push alongside of him. It wasn’t enough to make him fall over but the impact made him stumble quite a bit. He looked over to his left side and saw a rather young Pokemon laying on the ground. The Pokemon was red and white, had jet-like wings and was very small compared to the two of them. Seemed like he or she was a four foot tall dragon that appears to be fragile.
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  #2    
Old January 19th, 2012, 08:07 AM
Gothitelle.
<3;
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Partyin' wit Segata Sanshiro
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
“Hey there!” the Pokemon said as she got up from the floor. “Sorry about that, I was running off and I didn’t see you there.”

Dialga looked at the young Pokemon with a strange look on his face. He is five times her size from the looks of it. So how she couldn’t see the big blue dragon while coming in fast was a question he had on the top of his head. What was worse that was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed into him, she ruined his focus.

“That’s okay!” Palkia assured.

“Anyway, my name is Latias. Tell me your name and we won’t be ‘rangers anymore,” the younger girl said with a big smile.

“Rangers?” Dialga asked with a puzzled look on his face.

“My name is Palkia and this is Dialga,” Palkia said as she pointed to Dialga.

“I’m new to this place and I was lonely. So I wanted to sneak out and make new friends,” Latias said in her normal quiet voice. “Now, you guys and I are no longer rangers!”

“Yeeaah, about that. Rangers?” Dialga asked again.

“Yeah, my brother said don’t talk to rangers,” Latias replied. “Anyway, I have to go home, but I was wondering if you two can come with me. My brother is going to get angry because I left the house without him knowing.”

“Sure but, are you saying that if your brother sees us, then he won’t get mad at you for sneaking out?” Dialga asked.

“Yes! I know your name and you know mine right? Then we know each other,” she said with a smile on her face.

Dialga and Palkia both looked at each other with a confused look. How does only knowing ones name constitutes as knowing a person? It doesn’t mean that you know someone, you just know their name; what they are called. This young girl does not seem to be very smart judging by the things she is saying; however, she does seem like someone who only wants to make new friends.

“Well… where is your house?” Dialga asked eluding her last statement.

Latias then zipped behind the pair and looked around to see if she saw her home. But, as she looked left and right, she couldn’t tell from all the buildings in the city, where her house was located. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know,” she sighed.

“You mean, you DON’T know where you live?” Dialga asked with a concerned tone.

“I don’t know how to get there. I snuck out the window and flew away as fast as I could. But now, I don’t know where my house is because I went too far,” she explained.

With that, the two dragons take another look at each other with that same confused expression from before. They really have no idea what to make of this. How is this girl going to find her way home is she doesn’t know where her house is? After all, they just met her, so they are not going to know where she lived either.

“We’ll figure it out,” Palkia assured.

However, just as Dialga was about to ask something, he quickly looked at the icy water from the corner of his eye. He could almost swear that he saw an invisible object in the shape of a jet, fly over the water with great speed and toward him.

“I guess I’m seeing things,” Dialga said to himself.

When he turned his whole body toward the water, he saw that same shape again, flying above the water. It’s speed so great that it created waves in the water. He knows now that he isn’t seeing things. However, an invisible plane may be hard to explain.

“Do you guys see that plane?” he asked the girls.

Palkia turned toward the water and looked very hard at the place where Dialga said the plane was at. However the object disappeared just when she turned to look for it.

“I don’t see anything Dial…”

Before she could finish her sentence; “Look!” Dialga yelled as he directed the others toward the water.

Everyone then looks up and sees a huge wave coming toward the shore. One that was big enough to hit the three dragons in a two foot radius. They all helplessly watched as the wave was heading towards where they were standing. Latias starts to scream an irritating shrill sound as Palkia went and tightly put her arms around Dialga’s neck to protect him while anticipating the wave crashing the shore.

However, to their surprise, the wave never made it to where the kids were standing, but rather to the beginning of the shore. Upon seeing this, they all breathed a sigh of relief. But, the ordeal was not over. Dialga then sees the plane, yet again. This time, however, it came and attempted to take a straight shot at him. He got down on the ground quickly at the plane raced right above him, narrowly missing its mark. Palkia turned around and saw just what he was talking about. That plane.

As it made a loop around to prepare to hit the blue dragon once again, the brave pink dragon got in front of her loved one and spread her arms out, barricading the plane from hitting him. After doing this, the plane halted to a complete stop just two feet from Dialga and Palkia. Even though she was standing with her arms spread out, Palkia herself was anticipating what would happen next.

The object began to show its true identity by appearing to turn off its invisibility. When it finally revealed itself, it was not really a plane after all, but a Pokemon. A Pokemon that looked identical to Latias. Except that this Pokemon was blue and bigger. It also had red eyes and bigger wings that were shaped like the ones you’d see on a jet, thus explaining why Dialga thought it was an actual plane.

Palkia stared at this Pokemon, studying him. She believed him to be male, but was unsure since blue doesn’t always seem to equal male. The Pokemon crossed his arms as he glared at the scared Latias. When she looked at him, she was shaking as if she was chilly and she was whimpering as if she was a puppy. She was in trouble with this guy. Not only that, this guy seems to be very angry with her. Even though he was focused on Latias for the moment, he really wanted to confront Dialga.

During this time, Dialga got up from the ground to witness exactly what Palkia was seeing. When he looked at the Pokemon, there was something that stuck out about him. He looked almost like Latias and when he looked closely, there was one detail that the pair had missed earlier about Latias; she had a blue triangle on her chest. Strange enough, the Pokemon had a red triangle on him. Well, she did say that she had a brother. Could this Pokemon be her brother?

Nonetheless, this Pokemon stared at the gang for some time. His left hand was clenching into a tight fist as he glared at them still. Dialga and Palkia both looked at him with worried faces, thus Palkia still standing in front of her other half with her arms stretched to her sides in case the Pokemon tries to attack him.

“I will deal with you later,” the Pokemon said to Latias. “You! Get out of my way,” he then said to Palkia.

Upon hearing that, she was afraid for Dialga. He clearly wanted to get him for whatever reason and she felt that she had to stay by him. So she just stood there, with her arms out to her side, barricading the Pokemon from Dialga.

“No! You’re only going to hurt him!” she yelled.

“Fine, we’ll do this the hard way,” the Pokemon said in an angry tone.

He went over to Palkia and shoved her towards the right. The impact was great enough that Palkia rolled over twice whiten the five feet she was pushed from. Dialga stood there as he watched her try to shake off the sand from herself. Then, he turned back to the angry blue Pokemon floating right in front of him as he himself got angry with him.
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  #3    
Old January 19th, 2012, 07:10 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Well lets get started with my review, first I'll point out some of the simple mistakes you made. Then I'll explain more in detail at the bottom after I cover these.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
This beach is famous for Is rather chilly temperatures.

Misspelled

"This beach is famous for its rather chilly temperatures."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
For her, being underwater was water wonderful,
Misspelled

"For her, being underwater was rather wonderful."

I think, right? But it could also be watery and wonderful. If that's what you're trying to get across.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
What was worse that was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed into him, she ruined his focus.

Remove “that”

"What was worse was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed, she ruined his focus."

But at the same time this sentence doesn't sound smooth enough.

How about this...

"Worst of all, the crash ruined the moments they were sharing."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
Anyway, my name is Latias. Tell me your name and we won’t be ‘rangers anymore,”

That is a cute way of saying strangers! lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothitelle. View Post
When she looked at him, she was shaking as if she was chilly and she was whimpering as if she was a puppy.

Too much she.

This sounds more simple and straight to the point.

"Latias stared back at the pokemon, whimpering like a puppy and trembling in fear."

Well, that is all I have to say about that.
So you re-wrote this? I’m not sure if you originally posted “Latias and her new friends” on PC, so I never read your original version. Just thought you should know. You've been inactive? I've only been on PC for about a month now. So I don't know when you last posted this.


You should really proof read your story over and over to make sure it's as perfect as can be. A great advice my english teacher told was read your papers as if you were going to turn it into a top college professor, to catch these simple mistakes.
I mean you only want to give out your absolute best work for your audience to read and enjoy.


The sad truth that I've found, when it comes to fan fiction simple mistakes make a reader want to bug out. As they sometimes might jump the gun and tell themselves the whole story is flawed. That didn't stop me from reading. I just read and saw a few mistakes, no big deal to me. Although some other readers aren't as tolerant, just thought you should know if you already didn't. Also I have seen some people complain about the color of the font on other fan fictions, It wasn't a problem for me though but some other people might bring it up later.


Im not too sure what the plot is. At first I thought they were going to help Latias get home. But all of a sudden Latios finds Latias. Pretty sure Latios is Latias brother. Although I might be jumping to conclusions, lol. Guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out.


My main thing, I always like seeing romance in Pokemon fan fiction. This fan fiction revolves entirely between Pokemon. I am not a big fan of pokemon being the main characters, I kinda like that human perspective with pokemon more. I was skeptic at first, but as I read I really warmed up to the idea and I think your changing my opinion. I liked the interactions between Palkia and Dialgia and the Latias feels really cute and naive.


Well guess that concludes my review, hope it was helpful. I'll look out for this story! See ya
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