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Old February 6th, 2012, 07:44 AM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
Treecko Breeder
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Why hello there! This is Treecko’s Awesomeness, or TA for short, and welcome to my second fic. This fic was first posted on Serebii, but I decided to post it here as well. First a few bits of information about the story.

1. No, it's not scientifically accurate. Neither is anything else in this fandom. Don't bug me about it.

2. This fic is rated PG, mostly for implied character death and death in general.

3. Disclaimer. As you've probably guessed, I do not own Pokémon or anything associated with it, or I wouldn't be here writing this right now.


Colony 9.0

A pink cat-like creature floated around a metal room full of levers and buttons, pressing one button with his arm while seeming to pull a lever down with an unseen force from his mind. The most distinctive feature of the room, an enormous window, showed an amazing view of stars, planets, galaxies and all sorts of celestial bodies suspended in the blackness of space. While the Mew checked the readings of several gauges, another Pokémon quite similar to himself entered through a doorway from a long corridor.

“Captain,” said the Mew, clearly female from the sound of her voice. “We are approaching a planet that shows signs of habitability.” While the two were quite capable of communicating through telepathy, it was considered much more polite to engage in the practice of audible speech when possible, as one's own voice was used. “Should we perform a scan?”

The Captain looked thoughtfully at the blue, green and brown orb that was now visible in the window. “I don’t see why not. It’s fairly obvious that the planet contains water and plant life from the surface colors, but it couldn’t hurt.”

“Yes sir,” the female Mew said as she left the room, leaving the Captain to gaze back at the planet through his window, remembering his youth back on his home planet.

The ship that the Pokémon were on was a colony ship from the planet Pokémera, containing several hundred thousand Mew, passengers and crew. It was habitable, but small, and with very little biological diversity. The only animal species able to survive on the globe were Pokémon, from where the planet got its name. Another issue the cradle of this species had was a lack of radiation due to a thick atmosphere and a small sun. This may not seem like an issue at first thought. In fact, it could usually be seen as an asset, and could very well be one, if it were not for the nature of the Pokémon species.

In their natural state, all Pokémon are quite similar. The pink felids commonly known as Mew are in such a state. When exposed to even a small bit of radiation, however, they change dramatically. They adapt to their surroundings, becoming whatever they need to in order to survive and thrive. While on their home planet of Pokémera, they had no way of knowing this. They did, however, know that they had a strong yearning for the stars. When the ultimate goal of interplanetary (and eventually interstellar) travel was achieved, they discovered this ability to change. It became their goal to colonize as many planets as they could, so as to create new forms, and let them travel once again to new stars. Pokémon were still fairly new at colonization, and had colonized exactly eight worlds. One was known as the Elgyem Colony, where the majority of the Mews had mutated into a teal colored creature with several gems on its forehead, “evolving” into a more tan Pokémon known as Beheeyem. The Pokémon of that colony continued to travel among the stars, as did the Clefa colony, and the twin colonies of Solrock and Lunatone.

“Captain,” said the same female Mew, breaking the Captain’s train of thought. “We have completed the scan, and the results…You’ll have to see for yourself.”

The Captain nodded. He drifted out of the control room, and into the laboratory located next door for convenience. The lab was full mainly of dials, screens, and gauges, but several tubes of strange substances in vials and tubes were also scattered around the metal tables. Like the rest of the ship, it was made completely of steel. Several Mews were gathered around one particular wall mounted monitor. It had a series of symbols and graphs on it that would be completely nonsensical to anyone untrained in the language of Pokémon, in addition to a three dimensional rotating globe of the planet. The Captain and scientists seemed to be mesmerized by the readings on the screen.

“These levels of radiation,” One of the scientists mumbled, “They would allow mutation not only into one or two varieties, but thousands… But they’re impossible with the atmosphere and sun of the planet. …”

“The problem with that reasoning,” the Captain answered, “is that you’re assuming that the radiation is coming from the planet’s sun.”

“Well where else would it come from?” asked the female Mew that had summoned the Captain to the lab.

“Zoom in on the planet,” the Captain ordered. "Aim for the elongated island chain on the west side of the largest ocean.” One of the scientists nodded and typed in a command on a row of symbols across the bottom of the screen. The globe stopped rotating and grew larger, the edges moving off of the screens edges, leaving only the small island chain visible. “Closer. Head for the center of the southeastern coast of the largest island.” The scientist seemed confused, but nodded again and zoomed in farther, until the view showed only a few square miles of area.

"What are we supposed to be seeing, Captain?” the scientist finally asked. “All I can see is a strange rock formation.”

“Is it a rock formation?” the Captain asked. “Look again.”

The entire room looked on in silence. After a moment, on scientist gasped. “Captain, you can’t be suggesting…”

“I think that you understand exactly what I’m suggesting.” The Captain indicated with his hand the ‘rock formation’ on the screen. The strange aspect of it was the fact the ‘rocks’ were not only nearly perfect rectangles, but were also parallel to each other’s edges. “This ‘rock formation’ is not a rock formation at all. It is a city.” The Mews around the room let out a collective gasp.

“Are you insinuating that this planet had intelligent life?” the female Mew asked. “Throughout our travels we have never found any life beyond with intelligence beyond the level of pack hunters. You’re saying that now we’ve discovered a civilization? How did you know that the city was there in the first place? And what does this have to do with the radiation levels?”

“As for your first question, no. I am insinuating that this planet has intelligent life. It’s highly unlikely that an entire species of highly adaptable animals could go extinct before their homes could deteriorate completely. They would have most likely moved into caves and holes to avoid whatever disaster threatened their existence. They would be kept safe for longer than the short amount of time that it would take for their architectural creations to crumble.

“As for how I guessed the location of the city,” he continued, “I knew that whatever species lives on this planet would gather along the coast. These islands are spacious enough to support a fairly large civilization, but small enough to allow trade throughout. The area we have focused on is sheltered by two small peninsulas, sheltering the city form weather and invasion. The radiation levels would have been unachievable by the sun’s ultraviolet rays, meaning that they came from another source. The most likely source of radiation is an artificial nuclear reactor. Clearly, there was an accident with the reactors, as it seems that the entire species was forced out of civilization. It’s strange though. The meltdown here must have been simultaneous with meltdowns all over the world.”

“Why do you say that?” the female Mew asked.

“Because,” One of the scientists answered, “They would have received assistance from other nations in the event of an accident. Simultaneous nuclear meltdowns worldwide are nearly impossible, though. What could have caused them?”

“Maybe,” the Captain answered, “They weren’t using the reactors for energy.”

The entire room cocked their heads in confusion. “What else would they using them for?” One scientist finally answered. “They generate radiation, but almost every animal we’ve encountered is damaged by it. Unless they’re like us, then power would be their only use for a reactor. Even if they were using it to generate radiation, though, that wouldn’t make a worldwide meltdown any more likely.”

“Think about it,” the Captain answered. “The only way for all of the reactors to detonate would be if they wanted them to.”

“But no one would want to detonate a reactor!” the female interrupted. “It would kill thousands of people!”

“Then we can assume that was their intention,” the Captain said grimly. “The species we’re dealing with is murderously violent. They were launching the reactors at each other as weapons. They were willing to kill those thousands of people to achieve their own selfish goals.”

“Captain!” shouted another Mew, floating briskly into the lab. “We found an artificial satellite! It was holding data from a civilized alien species! This planet harbored intelligent life! We’ve even been able to decode most of their language!”

“As I suspected,” the captain said as he nodded. “What did you learn about them?”

“That’s the bad news, sir,” the Mew answered. “The species called themselves humans, and their planet Earth. They destroyed their entire species and most of the life on their Earth with nuclear weapons. They were attempting to wipe each other out. They don’t seem to live on the planet anymore, however. These humans must have succeeded in their global suicide.”

“Think about that some more,” the Captain told him. “Even if the weapons destroyed every settlement on the planet, it’s unlikely that not a single small human population survived in a cave. Scientists, scan for carbon based life on the planet, and filter results to include creatures similar to the ones you saw in the satellite data.”

“Right away, sir,” the messenger answered. With the help of one of the lab workers, he typed in another command into the row of symbols at the bottom of the monitor. A page of text came up. “They’re living in the ruins, sir,” the messenger answered with a gulp.

“So what do we do?” asked one of the scientists.

“It’s simple,” the Captain said. “We look for a habitable planet elsewhere. These…things are too dangerous. There are some of them still alive, and there’s no way we can coexist with them. They’ll end up trying to kill us, and we’ll have to leave anyway.”

“But we can’t!” the female blurted out. “It’s taken almost two hundred years to reach this planet! It would take two hundred more to find another habitable one! We’ll be too old to build the colony! The entire mission would be a failure!”

“I told you,” the Captain growled. “There’s no way to survive alongside these monsters!”

“There is a way!” the female answered. “We just have to find it! They deserve a second chance, just like anyone! We can help them! We can teach them!”

“A second chance to what?” the Captain replied with a shout. “To kill off another species?”

“No!” the female shouted back. “To keep themselves alive! If we leave them now, they’ll all die!”

“Ask yourself,” the Captain muttered quietly, gazing at the floor. “Would that really be a bad thing?”

“Yes.” The female Mew looked into the Captains eyes. “It would. We discovered that we aren’t alone in the universe, and you want to let them die? If we do that, are we truly any better than them?”

“Do you understand the consequences this would have?” the Captain asked, more in disbelief than anger at this point. “We can establish our ninth colony on any habitable planet in the galaxy, but you want to place it in the only one we’ve found with hostile life on it?”

The female nodded. “I understand the consequences perfectly. The decision isn’t up to me though, or you either for that matter. The reason we’ve gotten this far is because of democracy. The decision goes to the entire ship. We’ll explain the situation, and they can decide whether or not they want to stay.”

“Fine,” the Captain said. “We’ll see how many more of us have a death wish.”

-- -- --

“Attention, colonists,” the Captain said into the microphone. This would carry his voice throughout the ship. “We have discovered a habitable planet, and will need to make a democratic decision on whether to land.” Even from the lab far below the residential level of the ship, the Captain could hear the jubilant cheer of the ship’s passengers who had spent two hundred years in the cold ship, breathing recycled air.

“This is not the only news, however,” the Captain continued. “We have discovered an alien civilization on this planet as well.” He waited a moment for this news to set in. “We believe this civilization to be hostile, and have evidence that they have used weapons of mass destruction to kill off fellow members of their species. If you believe that we can live alongside the hostile creatures without danger, feel free to opt for colonization here. If, however, you feel that such a relationship between our species is impossible, please consider supporting a continuation of our voyage.”

The captain looked at the monitor, which now displayed a chart. The passengers of the ship were psychically adding their numbers to one of the two bars that were growing on the screen. The captain concentrated, as did the other Pokémon in the room, adding their own votes to the graph. While a blue bar on the right stayed fairly small, the orange bar on the left shot up at a rapid speed, causing the range of the graph to be continuously recalculated. It was at this point ten times the size of the blue one. The Captain smirked while the female Mew who had originally summoned him to the lab looked on in desperation.

“Wait!” the female finally called. The captain looked at her. “You haven’t given the passengers the full story! I demand you let me give an announcement with all the information they need to know!”

The Captain grimaced. If he allowed this ignorant fool to announce all the data they had gathered, she could blow the entire colonization project, and get them all killed if things went too wrong. But she did have the right to tell the passengers what she wanted to. And they had the right to know. “Fine,” the captain conceded, glaring at the floor. “If you need to tell them, go ahead. Just know that what you say over that microphone could destroy two civilizations. I hope you understand the impact that you could have.”

“I understand it perfectly,” the female answered, drifting towards the microphone. Activating it, she began to speak.

“Colonists!” she said. “I am speaking to you now because your captain has not told you all of the information you need to make a decision! The species on this planet is vicious. I won’t argue with that. But what the Captain did not mention is that they are going extinct!” As the Mew said this, both bars on the monitor stopped moving up. “In this war, they destroyed all of their own cities. Only a few of them are still alive, taking shelter in the rubble of their homes. If we leave them here, they will, without a doubt, die. Abandoning a people in need, and the only other form of intelligent life we’ve found, no matter how vicious, would make us no better than them!” The female Mew stopped to breath. As she did, she chanced a glimpse at the monitor. The large blue bar began slowly shrinking. As it did, the smaller orange bar began to grow at the same rate. The female began to smile, as her expression of horror traveled across to room to the ship’s captain.

“No…” he mumbled. “But these…these things… They’ll kill us all!”

The orange bar was now one fourth the size of the blue one, and still growing steadily.

“We can help them!” the female answered. “They can’t hurt us now! They have nothing to harm us with!”

The orange bar was one third the size of the blue one.

“We can’t hurt them either!” the Captain shouted. “We don’t have any weapons outside of our own natural abilities!”

One half.

“We’ve never needed weapons, and we won’t need them now!” the female replied. “We can wipe their memories! They won’t know anything but us!”

Two thirds.

“It doesn’t matter!” the Captain screamed in frustration. “Their instinct is to kill anything they see as a threat! Another intelligent species won’t be acceptable to them!”

Three fourths.

“Then we won’t be another intelligent species to them! We’ve never needed the luxuries of urban life before! The entire passenger deck is a forest! We can pose as animals, and they’d never know the answer!”

Nine tenths.

“We can’t survive with these things! They’ll murder us without a second thought! Being animals won’t prevent that!”

The bars were equal in size.

“Then at least we’ll have died knowing that we did the right thing, instead of flying across the galaxy dealing with the fact that we could have prevented their death!”

The orange bar had surpassed the blue bar in size. The Captain looked at the graph in despair as the triumphant female smiled. They looked on in silence, both that of victory and defeat, as the blue bar gradually disappeared, leaving only a speck at the bottom, the orange bar slackened to a halt.

“It can’t be…” the Captain murmured.

The bars both came to a complete stop. “The results of the vote are as follows,” the computer’s voice said, broadcasting it across the ship. “For the option to colonize: thirty five million, twenty two thousand, four hundred twenty five votes. For the option to continue: one vote. The winner is to colonize. The landing pods will be departing in twenty four hours. Please make any preparations necessary.”

“You…” the Captain growled. “You…you doomed us all. All of you can live among these monsters. You may change, become whatever it is this planet will support, but I won’t. I won’t let myself change. I’ll hold my cells together.”

“Captain!” the female said. “Be reasonable! That would be almost impossible! You would have to use all your power just to keep them as they are! You could even keep yourself from aging, but you would be in constant pain!”

“I don’t care!” the captain screamed. “I won’t let this hellish planet change me! I’ll live forever in this form! It doesn’t matter what agony I’d go through, I refuse to die on this world, whether through natural causes or mutating to something besides myself!”

“Captain-”

“You will not speak to me!” the captain roared. “You have done this! You have destroyed us!”

“Very well, captain,” the female answered. She left the lab, most likely to assist the passengers into their respective landing pods. They would be scattered across the globe to ensure the largest number of establishments.

The Captain would go down in his own pod. There was no reason to stay on the ship anymore. He grimly moved out of the lab into the control room. As he closed the door behind him, he entered a complex code into a keyboard on the ships control panel. The room vibrated, separating completely from the ship. As the pods were set to depart, there was no need to control the ship anymore. Looking across the icon of a globe on a screen in front of him, he tapped on an island near the equator of the planet, north of a deeply forested area. It seemed like a place far away from anywhere that those vile humans would visit. The ship made a sharp turn, aiming for the island that the Captain had indicated. No human would touch him here. He could be at peace.

-- -- --

The vile humans had found him. He had managed to survive for more than five hundred years, but the rest of his true species were destroyed. They survived only as mutated versions of themselves, guiding the humans to rebuild their old civilization, and their old wars. They had wiped the memories of humans, but over time seemed to have forgotten who they were themselves. They acted as animals, inferior to the native savages. The native animals of the planet had all gone extinct due to competition from the alien newcomers.

The Ex-Captain simply called himself Mew now, as he was the only one left. The others had formed bonds with the humans, becoming their partners, even battling against their brethren in vicious competitions of fighting abilities. Mew would never succumb to that. They had found him, but failed to capture him. They caught only one of his hairs, but that was enough. They had cloned him, given him a son by none of his own will. He truly did see the creature as his son, despite the circumstances of his birth. Mewtwo, they called him. He had escaped the lab of his birth as a child and found his father, staying with him on his island for a long time. Through spending so much time with Mewtwo, Mew lessened his guard on his cells. Mew’s large capacity for mutation allowed Mewtwo and Mew to exchange genes. Mewtwo had shared some of his altered DNA with his father, granting him stabilized genes without the need for constant psychic conservation.

Mew and his adopted child spent many years together on the island as father and son. Mewtwo grew to adulthood beside his father, growing a bond that seemed unbreakable. Mewtwo loved Mew, and Mew loved him back. Even his son had failed him, though. Seven years ago, he had been seduced by the allure of battle, joining with a “Trainer”, as the slave drivers called themselves. He had left his father for good. Now, he had nothing left. He spent his days alone, floating around the island. Today was another day like the others. He was gazing out at the sea, watching the waves. Suddenly, they were disturbed by a bouncing metal object flying towards the island at a breakneck speed. Mew gasped and teleported into the brush at the edge of the forest. As the boat pulled up to the shore, two figures became visible to Mew. One, a boy of about seventeen with white hair and a green outfit. The other, an old sailor in a traditional white and blue suit. Mew then saw a Pokémon, a Wingull to be exact, follow them from out of the cabin. He suddenly pulled farther back into the forest as he saw the boy hop off the boat into the surf. Throwing a small sphere on the sand, the boy released another Pokémon, a Dusclops this time.The boy said something to the Dusklops too quietly for Mew to hear, and the Pokémon's single eye glowed blue. The boy then picked the sphere off of the ground, returning the Dusclops into it. Mew started backing farther into the jungle, but the rustling leaves alerted the human to his presence.

He began to dash out of the tide and into the forest in pursuit of the small feline. Mew quickly started to teleport farther into the island. He soon found out, however, that he was unable to do so, and began scrambling away from his hunter. He pushed forwards with all his might, but the boy was gaining on him. He dashed off into a deeper part of the forest. It did nothing to deter the boy, however, as he continued smashing through the branches, gaining on his target. Mew dashed to his left in order to evade his pursuer. Only when he reached the cliff wall did he realize his mistake. Exhausted from the chase, he lacked the energy to float out of reach. There was no escape now.

“Well,” the boy said in a friendly manor. “I guess you’re Mew, then. Sorry about that chase there. I’m Brendan.”

Mew said nothing. Through telepathy, he could communicate with this human, but he didn’t want to risk letting such a dangerous creature get a glimpse into his mind. If he spoke audibly, the boy would only hear his own name.

“So I guess you’re a little shy. I’m a trainer. Do you want to travel with me?”

Still, Mew gave no response.

“I guess I’ll have to battle you then. Go, Sceptile!” The boy threw a red and white ball at the earth. From it, a large flash of light appeared, revealing a tall green lizard.

“Thank goodness,” Mew sighed, throwing caution to the wind. “You’ve got to save me! This human wants to kidnap me!”

“He doesn’t!” the Sceptile said, shocked. “My trainer's my friend! He wouldn't do something mean like that!”

“He’s your…friend?” Mew asked. “But…I just saw it! He had you held captive in that prison!”

"It's not a prison," Sceptile said in confusion. "It's my house!"

“Sceptile!” Brendan called. “Use False Swipe!”

“We’re going to battle!” Sceptile said excitedly as the leaves on his arms glowed white. “This is gonna be fun!” He lunged at Mew, slashing at him with the white blades.

Taken by surprise, Mew was unable to dodge. He was hit by the blades, and fell to the ground. “Why?” he murmured.

That was all he had time to udder before Brendan threw the ball. It was black, white and yellow. It opened up at the center, dragging him inside of it. All he saw was a forest with a black dome covering it. “No…” he cried. He slammed himself into the side of the dome with all his remaining strength. “No! No! No!” It became obvious then that there was no escape. Mew curled up under a tree. It felt like a tree, anyway. But it wasn’t. None of them were real. Nothing was real anymore. He began to cry. While humans and Pokémon never had much in common, they both cried. Mewtwo had taught him that. Mewtwo… Abruptly, a thought of solace occurred to Mew. Maybe, if he was now in the possession of a Trainer, he could finally meet his son again. He hated the idea of being under a human’s control, hated the human who had done this to him, hated being forced to fight, and would continue to hate all these things. Mew hated and would always hate everything about this new life that had been forced upon him, but maybe…maybe this could have a positive effect as well.
__________________


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Chapter Two is out now.

Last edited by treecko's awesomeness; February 9th, 2012 at 02:57 PM.
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  #2    
Old February 9th, 2012, 09:36 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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An interesting explanation for the existence of Pokémon, to be sure; it's not an area that's explored often, in my experience, and I always like to see something different in a fandom that tends to be full of the same sort of thing repeated ad infinitum.

There were a few little bits about it that struck me as slightly off, though. Firstly, a purely logical point:

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Once again, he was perfectly capable of teleportation, but physical movement was more proper.
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Only when he reached the cliff wall did he realize his mistake. There was no escape now.
Do you see the contradiction? There's no way the Captain would ever be stopped by a mere cliff; even if you discount the fact that Mew has been shown countless times to be capable of levitation and/or flight, he could have just teleported away to safety. It might be argued that in such a stressful situation he might just run - but that makes no sense; he is, first and foremost, a Mew, with a Mew's instincts, and I suspect that such a peaceful species would probably instinctively teleport away from anyone chasing them.

That's pretty minor, though; it's not something that ought to be keeping you up at night, just something to consider revising.

Quote:
catlike
As a general rule, hyphenate all things that you stick '-like' on the end of. The reason for this is as follows: if you ever want to write something like 'shelllike', you end up with a hideous, confusing word that needs a hyphen, and you have to be consistent in your use of hyphenation. Still, I suppose that this isn't necessarily the only correct way to go about it; this way is probably mostly preference. In fact, feel free to ignore everything I just said about hyphens.

Then there's Mew's reaction to Brendan:

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Mew said nothing. Through telepathy, he could communicate with this human, but he didn’t want to risk letting such a dangerous creature get a glimpse into his mind. If he spoke audibly, the boy would only hear his own name.
He hates humans, but he's not an idiot. He must know that one immature human doesn't really pose a threat to him, especially since he could teleport himself out of danger or throw him away with his telepathy (which again you've already mentioned) any time he likes. I'd also venture to suggest that, having lived at least two hundred years in close proximity to other Mew, he's probably learned how to guard his thoughts while telepathically communicating.

These are minor issues, and the fact that I'm searching for them means the story's good enough that there aren't many major ones. In fact, there are only two of those, and they're kind of the same thing: the rushed feel and the divorce between the first and second parts of the story.

I read through the whole story - going quite carefully, you understand, so as not to miss anything - in about five or six minutes. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but the fact is that it feels like the story was compressed to fit into that amount of time. At first, for instance, information just floods in without stopping: first we're learning about Mew, then suddenly we're working out that there are aliens there, then suddenly we're hearing about weapons, and suddenly we're having a vote and the Captain loses.

It's not just in the first part, either - in the second bit, the whole business with Mewtwo, something very key, is compressed almost to a couple of lines, where the incident with Brendan is much longer. The reader has no chance to get a sense of how attached to each other Mew and Mewtwo actually are; when you write that Mewtwo then leaves Mew for the humans, we have difficulty in empathising with either side.

Now, I'll move on to the schism between the two halves, the past part and the present part (or the near-future and the future part, if that's your interpretation). Everything about them is completely different; if I didn't know the link, I'd have said they were two different stories. You change voice abruptly, explaining things from the Captain's perspective, when before you explained things from the viewpoint of a third-person narrator who was obviously aware that they were speaking to humans (hence the phrasing of the small lecture about Mew behaviour and evolution). Prior to this, the Captain didn't seem like he was necessarily the main character; in fact, my first assumption was that the female Mew was. There needs to be more of an emphasis on the fact that he's the protagonist earlier on, to avoid the strange feeling of separation between the halves.

It's not a bad story, really; it's entertaining, as stories should be, and overall I enjoyed it. The idea at its core is a great one, which gives it quite a bit of strength. However, it could be a better story, and hopefully I've managed to explain why.

F.A.B.
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  #3    
Old February 9th, 2012, 02:57 PM
treecko's awesomeness's Avatar
treecko's awesomeness
Treecko Breeder
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
An interesting explanation for the existence of Pokémon, to be sure; it's not an area that's explored often, in my experience, and I always like to see something different in a fandom that tends to be full of the same sort of thing repeated ad infinitum.
Thanks! Although I must say, the idea wasn't mine entirely. Something got mentioned in a Tvtropes WMG, and my borderline insane mind did the rest.

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There were a few little bits about it that struck me as slightly off, though. Firstly, a purely logical point:
Ah, my horrible logic failures return.

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Do you see the contradiction? There's no way the Captain would ever be stopped by a mere cliff; even if you discount the fact that Mew has been shown countless times to be capable of levitation and/or flight, he could have just teleported away to safety. It might be argued that in such a stressful situation he might just run - but that makes no sense; he is, first and foremost, a Mew, with a Mew's instincts, and I suspect that such a peaceful species would probably instinctively teleport away from anyone chasing them.
And I should probably put in some form of explanation. Now to think of one.

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That's pretty minor, though; it's not something that ought to be keeping you up at night, just something to consider revising.
Well, it probably would keep me up at night anyway. I hate self-contradictions, so fixing it is absolutely necessary.

Quote:
As a general rule, hyphenate all things that you stick '-like' on the end of. The reason for this is as follows: if you ever want to write something like 'shelllike', you end up with a hideous, confusing word that needs a hyphen, and you have to be consistent in your use of hyphenation. Still, I suppose that this isn't necessarily the only correct way to go about it; this way is probably mostly preference. In fact, feel free to ignore everything I just said about hyphens.
Huh. I could have sworn I put I hyphen there. I guess I should go fix that, and thanks for pointing it out.

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Then there's Mew's reaction to Brendan:
And yet again, I fail basic logic.

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He hates humans, but he's not an idiot. He must know that one immature human doesn't really pose a threat to him, especially since he could teleport himself out of danger or throw him away with his telepathy (which again you've already mentioned) any time he likes. I'd also venture to suggest that, having lived at least two hundred years in close proximity to other Mew, he's probably learned how to guard his thoughts while telepathically communicating.
As for the not wanting to communicate with Brendan, I meant it as Mew's excuse not to talk to him, due to his fear. As for everything else, you're absolutely correct. I fail logic. Forever. Let me just get my plot hole cement.

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These are minor issues, and the fact that I'm searching for them means the story's good enough that there aren't many major ones. In fact, there are only two of those, and they're kind of the same thing: the rushed feel and the divorce between the first and second parts of the story.
Yeah, the story did feel rushed. The main reason for that is because of my usual tendency to move too slowly. Trying to counter it, I seemed to have gone overboard.

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I read through the whole story - going quite carefully, you understand, so as not to miss anything - in about five or six minutes. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but the fact is that it feels like the story was compressed to fit into that amount of time. At first, for instance, information just floods in without stopping: first we're learning about Mew, then suddenly we're working out that there are aliens there, then suddenly we're hearing about weapons, and suddenly we're having a vote and the Captain loses.
And again, I must agree. The whole One-shot was about the length of one of my main fic's chapters. I'm probably going to do a full rewrite in the future, making it longer, better, more logical, etc., but now I'm just trying to fix this version up.

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It's not just in the first part, either - in the second bit, the whole business with Mewtwo, something very key, is compressed almost to a couple of lines, where the incident with Brendan is much longer. The reader has no chance to get a sense of how attached to each other Mew and Mewtwo actually are; when you write that Mewtwo then leaves Mew for the humans, we have difficulty in empathising with either side.
I agree once again. I really should put more of Mewtwo into the story as he's a major part of the plot. In fact, I think I'm going to write a few more paragraphs on that. I am determined to keep it out of a flashback mode. Mainly because, well, I hate flashbacks.

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Now, I'll move on to the schism between the two halves, the past part and the present part (or the near-future and the future part, if that's your interpretation). Everything about them is completely different; if I didn't know the link, I'd have said they were two different stories. You change voice abruptly, explaining things from the Captain's perspective, when before you explained things from the viewpoint of a third-person narrator who was obviously aware that they were speaking to humans (hence the phrasing of the small lecture about Mew behaviour and evolution). Prior to this, the Captain didn't seem like he was necessarily the main character; in fact, my first assumption was that the female Mew was. There needs to be more of an emphasis on the fact that he's the protagonist earlier on, to avoid the strange feeling of separation between the halves.
Actually, that was the intention, believe it or not. The two parts were supposed to be separate story lines, have different main characters, and have different writing styles. That feeling of separation was what I meant to evoke.

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It's not a bad story, really; it's entertaining, as stories should be, and overall I enjoyed it. The idea at its core is a great one, which gives it quite a bit of strength. However, it could be a better story, and hopefully I've managed to explain why.
Thanks! That means quite a bit coming from the author of works of brilliance like yours. Thanks very much for your help!

-TA
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Old February 10th, 2012, 12:08 AM
Cutlerine
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Originally Posted by treecko's awesomeness View Post
Actually, that was the intention, believe it or not. The two parts were supposed to be separate story lines, have different main characters, and have different writing styles. That feeling of separation was what I meant to evoke.
Ah, that would make sense. You were emphasising the divorce between the past and present, between the world then and now. That's a good idea - the only problem with it being that it does mean that putting the whole thing together in one place creates something that doesn't quite stick together right. I think it's possible that the story might be more effective if there was one linking feature to bridge the gap, just to help the reader along - probably the Captain, for obvious reasons. Still, I have to commend you for stylistic experimentation. Gotta love that.

F.A.B.
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Old February 12th, 2012, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
Ah, that would make sense. You were emphasising the divorce between the past and present, between the world then and now. That's a good idea - the only problem with it being that it does mean that putting the whole thing together in one place creates something that doesn't quite stick together right. I think it's possible that the story might be more effective if there was one linking feature to bridge the gap, just to help the reader along - probably the Captain, for obvious reasons. Still, I have to commend you for stylistic experimentation. Gotta love that.

F.A.B.
Thanks. I once again agree completely. I'll try to edit some more information in.
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