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  #1    
Old February 18th, 2012, 12:41 PM
Freddy Fazbear's Avatar
Freddy Fazbear
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~Rated E for Everyone~

No words were spoken. None were needed. We understood each other, he and I. We had only just met, and already we were closer than brothers. We had seen each other's journeys; we had celebrated their victories and lamented their shortcomings. As one, we each reached for our Pokeballs.

The snow was falling thick, coating the mountaintop with an uneasy white icing. In the caverns below us, a Pokemon cried out for its missing mentor. The wind howled, almost drowning out the sound of his footsteps as he made his way toward me. This place belonged to another world entirely.

This had been no easy sanctuary to reach. My journey had brought me through many a dark and lonely forest, across many a treacherous wave, against many an evil crime syndicate, and into legend itself. It had required more than strength to find this haven. But I was more than strong. I was a champion. Unfallible. Unconquerable. No obstacle was too great. I am like no one ever was, an indestructible entity too focused on his eternal quest to have time to lose.

My time spent up here has felt like forever. Always standing in the snow, always waiting for someone to make it this far. Waiting for one whose power could free me from this world. Waiting for someone who could actually succeed me. Waiting, for an eternity, for him. I knew all along that someday he would find me here. I knew that he would someday reach this peak. And I knew that he would be the one to free me, free me from this accursed title. There was no one else who could even try.

He had obviously come a long way to get here. Every step he took brought him farther from home, farther from safety , but closer to me. He was different from the others; that much was obvious. Those that would follow him would be unable to match his prowess. He would ever be the only one to defeat so many gyms, throughout so many regions. He will forever be called by so many "champion." However, his victory is only half-lived. His strength is borrowed. He had walked along a path already paved, laid out step by step by me. I had protected him throughout his many perils. I had lent him power enough to overcome places he might fail. I was the hands that held him, his guardian angel, his shield.

But it all meant little here. Now, I would release my barrier around him. For the first time in his life, he would be truly on his own.

Now finally we were here. Now, finally we would have our final test of strength. Let the snow fall, I say; nothing truly exists to us anymore except each other. Our challenge, unspoken, is a final testament to each other. To our existance.

No words were spoken. None were needed. We understood each other, he and I. We had only just met, and already we were closer than brothers. We had seen each other's journeys; we had celebrated their victories and lamented their shortcomings. As one, we each reached for our Pokeballs.



(Pic from funnyjunk.com)
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Last edited by Freddy Fazbear; February 20th, 2012 at 09:43 AM.
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  #2    
Old February 19th, 2012, 02:52 PM
Cutlerine
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Ave! This is a nice interpretation of the battle with Red, I have to say. It ends at the perfect moment, too; the fight begins but we never see it, for we already know what happens, what must happen.

And that's the theme of the whole thing, at least in my view. Implacable fate, dictating the rise of one Champion over another, the endless cycle of victory over the victorious laid down by the games. I quite like it: short, punchy and a bit different.

There are a few objections I'd like to make, though. Firstly, it's a bit overwritten at times, and it can get quite tedious if this happens repeatedly. Here's one example:

Quote:
an indestructible entity too focused on his eternal quest to have time to lose.
This is one of the most repeated things I write in reviews: not every word needs an attached modifier. Not every noun needs an adjective; not every verb needs an adverb. Too many modifiers and sentences lose their power, their message buried under a mound of excess description.

I'm not saying it's that bad here, because it isn't. It's just something to be wary of.

Also, I noticed that you wrote 'angle' instead of 'angel' at this point:

Quote:
I was the hands that held him, his guardian angle, his shield.
Actually, speaking of that, I also noticed this:

Quote:
I am like no one ever was
I hope that's an intentional reference. If not, well, I still like it.

Anyway, it's a pretty good piece, if a little clunky in places. This is a short review, but hey! It was a short story. I hope to see more from you in the future.

F.A.B.
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  #3    
Old February 19th, 2012, 10:22 PM
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Mmm, I have to agree as well. I liked it; particularly in that it started and ended the same way and agree with the choice of not showing the battle actually start/happen. I also like the expansion of the whole scene in GSC/HGSS there and playing on the fact Red only says "..." in the game as well; you continue to play with parts of the games well in your writing.

I do think that is was a touch overwritten at times, a bit too wordy in places and over-establishing some info too often (namely the 'how far he had to come to get here' point), and perhaps also a bit too repetitive with certain phrases within the same paragraph for my liking as well.

That's the only real qualm I have with it though; short but a neat piece here.
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