The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.

Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old March 14th, 2012, 11:44 AM
Dragovian98's Avatar
Dragovian98
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Gender: Male
Any comments, feel free, as it would be great to be given a chance to improve as a writer, lets begin:

Chapter 1- Drought


For the 40th consecutive day, the sun rose over Johto. For the first few days of sun, families took the chance to go on holiday to Cianwood for a weekend at the ocean. However, crops soon began to wither, and water supplies had dried up. People were having their water Pokemon taken away so that they could be enslaved for a water source. These Pokemon began to die of exhaustion, and the whole water supply was passed over to Goldenrod. Everywhere else in Johto was left without a steady water source, and with Goldenrod refusing to share, the human death toll soon shot up into the thousands.

In New Bark Town, Ross Ancholada awoke into his own puddle of sweat. He stood up, his breathing raspy. He shoved on a t-shirt and shorts, and went downstairs to grab a glass of water. Stumbling into the kitchen, Ross turned the tap. Nothing. He frowned. How was he supposed to pick a Pokemon today being so dehydarted?

He went back upstairs, and slipped back into his bed. He rolled over to check his clock. 7:30am. He was too excited to sleep, and too thirsty as well. The young boy shot up as his door creaked open, and a cheery, smiling figure stood in the doorway.

"Ross!" she exclaimed, steeping into the roasting room. Her vest top was sweaty too, and she looked like she had just walked though a desert.

"You had better get prepared, your going to receive a Pokemon from Professor Elm today!" she reminded Ross, who gave no reply, instead choosing to grunt tiredly at her. His mother took the hint, and walked down to the kitchen.

Ross opened his curtains, and the blinding sun immediately bathed his room with a bright light. He struggled to look out. As far as he could tell, nobody dared to step outside into the warmth. Ross closed the curtains again, and went downstairs.

As Ross entered his kitchen, he found his mother, who looked clearly stressed out. Her hair was untidy, and sat over her face. She tucked some behind her ear, which revealed her dry, raw skin.

"Mum, whats the matter?" Ross asked, curious as to why his Mum was so distressed. the last time his mother looked this bad was when his Dad died when Ross was very young.

"The tap wont work," she replied.

"And? Not a big deal, it will be back,"

"It means that they've cut off the water to New Bark"

A tense atmosphere filled the room, and Ross didnt know what to say.

"So, what would you like for breakfast?" his mother asked, immediately trying to change the subject.

"Just some toast, I'm not that hungry" Ross said, as he walked into the living room. He searched for the remote for a couple of minutes, finding it under a cushion. He turned the television on. Ross let out a sigh. More headlines about the drought. Since the drought began, there was almost nothing else to watch.

As Ross took a seat, his mum walked in with his breakfast. Ross thanked her and took a bite, all the while watching the news.

"This whole drought situation is a disgrace," his mum complained. Ross said nothing, knowing his mother would have more to say about it.

"It doesn't make sense," she continued. "Why don't Goldenrod share their water? And how did it even begin? I swear this weather can't be natural," she said. Now that his mum mentioned it, the situation was extremely odd. Ross took another bite off his toast.

After half an hour of sitting and chatting with his mum, Ross had finished his breakfast, and was ready to leave. Ross' mum lead him to the front door, tears beginning to form in her ocean blue eyes.

"Ross, I want you to promise me something," she began, her tone of voice sounding very serious. "As soon as you can, get to Goldenrod and stock up on water," she said.

"Don't worry mum I will," Ross replied.

"Good, now, you better get going," she said, opening the front door. "I love you son,"

"I love you too," said Ross, hugging his mum. He let go, and exited the house. He turned around, his mother still standing at the door.

"Go on," she urged. "Go live your dream!"

And with that, Ross ran to Professor Elm's lab. The only sound he could hear was his shoes thumping off the dirt path. No Pokemon were around, or humans. Ross arrived at the lab doors, feeling nervous for some strange reason. Ross shook it up, and entered the lab.

"Hello?"he inquired, not receiving an answer. He closed the door behind him, and looked around. The lab was eerily dark, the curtains closed to block out the sun. Wallpaper was peeled, although in the dark it seemed more sinister, almost as if someone had clawed the wall to shreds. Ross began to notice a strange smell that was wafting through the lab. As Ross walked further in, he recognized the smell. Blood.

His whole body froze with fear as he looked round the corner. There was Professor Elm, lying motionless on the cold lab floor, blood dripping from a nopen wound on his head. Ross let out a quiet gasp, and ran over. The blood was still fresh. His body froze with fear for a seond time as he heard a click. It was a sound he had never heard, but it could not be mistaken for anyting else. Someone had just reloaded a gun.

"We have a live one here"

Last edited by Dragovian98; March 18th, 2012 at 11:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old March 14th, 2012, 12:55 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Your story is poorly written. I'm not trying to discourage you from writing but it sounds really werid if you read it. I'm not too sure what's going on in your story. There are also a ton of grammer mistakes. You cut off too quickly between sentences and you lack in giving me a vivid picture of the events. The main thing I understand is that this is a original trainer fiction with some relation to a drought. Intresting way of starting a story without a doubt, but if your story was better written it would be "enjoyable." I wish I could give you a constructive review, but I am out of time! Sorry x_x!

EDIT: Do not rush through your story. If you wanted to get some ideas down you could write on paper or better yet type on a word processor. You don't have to post your rough draft. Honestly this looks like a rough draft I would write. Brainstorm all your ideas, no rushing anymore. Relax there is no due dates or deadlines so take your time. When I write I usually let the ideas flow and it sometimes makes no sense, but I later come back to it (days or even weeks later) and improve it. For example I thought of a story I like, so I wrote it down on Word. I came back to the story weeks later and I did a total overhaul and now it feels perfect to me. Anyways I like to check up on newbies, even if I'm not so experienced in writing myself. (Cuz it makes me feel good to help!)

Last edited by DarkIceForever; March 15th, 2012 at 02:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old March 14th, 2012, 03:28 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
You already have a review, however, it wasn't in-depth so I think I'll pick up from there.

A drought is interesting to see, especially in Johto since it's usually Hoenn getting the attention with abnormal weather. However, the description itself is lacking. Even more, some of the drought explanations don't make sense. Like why would Goldenrod hold up their water? I almost thought that this story was taking place back in the medieval times because of how much power seemed to be vested onto that city. Also, you can make salt water into fresh water. You have Cianwood mentioned and they're across the sea. You boil salt water and as the steam collects onto a surface and condensates almost immediately, fresh water is what remains and you can roll it off and drink it just as normal water. That is actually an at-home experiment, so you can try that out. But if that's at home, surely these people in the Pokemon world, with their awesome technologies, can do something about a water shortage. The death toll seems random. Unless the drought lasted for an exceedingly long time, there wouldn't be many deaths, though there would be a rise in heat strokes and related health conditions. In addition, I think it would have been more interesting to see the drought actually unfold. Obviously, something bad must have happened to cause such a drastic drought in Johto, of all places, so actually going out your way and putting into perspective would have been a lot more entertaining to read. A bit of feedback, especially for any future works you plan on doing. Get readers captivated.

After your little paragraph about the drought, then we are introduced to the characters, or the main character. You have a tendency to use pronouns versus using his name, and you should try to mention it so we don't have to read every sentence starting with, "He." He's uninteresting to begin with and his mother doesn't add much spice at all. Their interactions seem extremely mechanical and inhuman. For one, his mother wasn't able to realize that their water was cut off while her son did. I would have thought the mother to be slightly more intuitive than her son. There's nothing else to say about characters, and that's mainly because we don't know much about them at all. It's so weird and so little is shown that readers can't get a grasp about anything. Put in some characterization, otherwise readers cannot connect with the characters or sympathize or any kind of emotions, which you really want.

There is a lack of description and emotions. This is prominent in the scene where Ross's mother dies, or something. See, I was doubting what was happening to her and you did not make it clear. I barely understood what had happened and it took me a while to realize that maybe she died, or not. Don't do that to readers. Don't try to confuse people. It doesn't help you in any way nor does it help the readers. If indeed Ross's mother had died, you need some work. Dedicate word space to the scene. More words sends a red flag to readers and screams, "Hey, stupid! Pay attention, this part is important!" Also, this is a big scene and I didn't feel anything. Yeah, I could just be a soulless person, but there are not any emotions conveyed. There isn't a tone to show that someone is dying. It feels like nothing happened. Give us some insight on the characters or describe how much the heat has ravaged his mother. We don't know anything unless you start telling us what's going on. Lead the readers onto the path of light, don't let them stray into the darkness. And yes, this applies to just about everything else.

You lack a lot of imagery, which would really help your story if you had it. There's the whole drought scenario so giving us thoughts of dead things or cracked paint or something would provide such colorful descriptions and make your story even more entertaining.

Grammar and spelling aren't your forte, are they? Nevertheless, take the time to proofread. No, seriously, do it. Check your spelling and your grammar and watch for awkward sentences. There is absolutely no excuse for not checking/proofreading. If you don't, it would show us a lazy writer is writing a story. Throughout the story, there are many typos and spelling mistakes, but mostly typos. These little typos add up if you keep making them and slowly the readers will get aggravated when they read another one. Take the time to proofread. I mean sometimes you don't capitalize the beginning of a sentence, don't have correct capitalization/punctuation in dialogue, etc. For example:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragovian98 View Post
"Ross!"she exclaimed, steeping over the threshold into the boiling rroom. Her vest top was sweaty too, and shee lokked like she had just walked though a desert.
These two sentences have quite a few mechanical errors. Can you look for them? Oh you can, because I bolded them for you. The quotation marks are fine, however, you need a space afterwards. The description of the... room is so vauge. You used threshold and boiling room, and I misread it as boiler room and thought Ross lived in the basement. Don't go over the top and try to use "fancy" words to describe things, just use your standard vocabulary. It doesn't work here. Next, the rest of the bolded words are all spelling mistakes. Take a look, take a nice long look. See, now that I pointed them out, you notice them! Fix them and don't let it happen anymore. Keep your typos down to a minimum so your writing comes off as more professional.

Oh, one more thing. You have some personal vendetta against "said", apparently. I don't think you used it at all. You use other annoying words like "exclaimed" or "inquired". Those aren't interesting. Those are terrible words to use. They break up your flow. When you do that, you take readers out of the story and remind them that they're reading something and get them interested in hitting the back button rather than reading more. Word choice is everything and I hope you understand that. Don't try to "show-off" your vocabulary and try using those words, they aren't interesting. They throw people off, especially when used in excess.

Okay, time for the plot. Actually, there is no plot. Nothing happened, until the very end. Pretty much everything but the last three paragraphs are actually relevant. What's the bloody point of that? A lot of writers have the problem of starting out with some typical OT fic beginning, like I'm off to save the world, bye! Truth is, it's boring and no one wants to read that. Putting us right into the action, like mentioning all the blood and the eerie cracked windows on Professor Elm's lab is a lot more interesting versus reading about a kid waking up. And his mother fainting from hallucinations, or something. I firmly believe that the first sentence in your story is probably the most important, because that's the one people will definitely read. This pretty much applies to your first paragraph, so keep it interesting. Don't start telling us random crap like waking up. Get us into action. Show us some awesome sword fights or tense Pokemon battles. It's important that almost everything you write is relevant to the plot, even if vaguely, just so readers know what they're reading is important. Otherwise, why would we read it if it was so insignificant?

Your writing style is funny. I know DarkIceForever mentioned it, but I don't think it's too bad. It's probably due to your lack of experience in writing prose, but that will come eventually, I promise. If it doesn't, then it's because you haven't bothered to improve. And if you still don't, well, then you can punch me in the nose. Anyway, keep writing so you can feel some kind of rhythm you can hang on to and ride away. So that's all I can say about that. Though, reading a bit more would help. Really help actually, that way you can get used to professional writing techniques and learn a thing or two.

Keep writing and continue to improve. Look to what you have and try working with it. Give readers an image, one that you, too, will recognize. That's actually a really hard thing to do since you know what you want, and some readers will look at it differently but try your best. Remember to proofread and watch for any sort of typos. It's a big deal and a bit underrated with new authors.

PS - The last line of your story is whacky. Don't bother bolding it or centering it because I almost didn't notice to begin with. The impact of the line shouldn't rely on looking cool on paper, but moreover the power of the words.

PSS - Your title is spelled incorrectly. It should be "Resistance" without an extra "i".
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old March 15th, 2012, 09:50 AM
Dragovian98's Avatar
Dragovian98
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
You already have a review, however, it wasn't in-depth so I think I'll pick up from there.

A drought is interesting to see, especially in Johto since it's usually Hoenn getting the attention with abnormal weather. However, the description itself is lacking. Even more, some of the drought explanations don't make sense. Like why would Goldenrod hold up their water? I almost thought that this story was taking place back in the medieval times because of how much power seemed to be vested onto that city. Also, you can make salt water into fresh water. You have Cianwood mentioned and they're across the sea. You boil salt water and as the steam collects onto a surface and condensates almost immediately, fresh water is what remains and you can roll it off and drink it just as normal water. That is actually an at-home experiment, so you can try that out. But if that's at home, surely these people in the Pokemon world, with their awesome technologies, can do something about a water shortage. The death toll seems random. Unless the drought lasted for an exceedingly long time, there wouldn't be many deaths, though there would be a rise in heat strokes and related health conditions. In addition, I think it would have been more interesting to see the drought actually unfold. Obviously, something bad must have happened to cause such a drastic drought in Johto, of all places, so actually going out your way and putting into perspective would have been a lot more entertaining to read. A bit of feedback, especially for any future works you plan on doing. Get readers captivated.

After your little paragraph about the drought, then we are introduced to the characters, or the main character. You have a tendency to use pronouns versus using his name, and you should try to mention it so we don't have to read every sentence starting with, "He." He's uninteresting to begin with and his mother doesn't add much spice at all. Their interactions seem extremely mechanical and inhuman. For one, his mother wasn't able to realize that their water was cut off while her son did. I would have thought the mother to be slightly more intuitive than her son. There's nothing else to say about characters, and that's mainly because we don't know much about them at all. It's so weird and so little is shown that readers can't get a grasp about anything. Put in some characterization, otherwise readers cannot connect with the characters or sympathize or any kind of emotions, which you really want.

There is a lack of description and emotions. This is prominent in the scene where Ross's mother dies, or something. See, I was doubting what was happening to her and you did not make it clear. I barely understood what had happened and it took me a while to realize that maybe she died, or not. Don't do that to readers. Don't try to confuse people. It doesn't help you in any way nor does it help the readers. If indeed Ross's mother had died, you need some work. Dedicate word space to the scene. More words sends a red flag to readers and screams, "Hey, stupid! Pay attention, this part is important!" Also, this is a big scene and I didn't feel anything. Yeah, I could just be a soulless person, but there are not any emotions conveyed. There isn't a tone to show that someone is dying. It feels like nothing happened. Give us some insight on the characters or describe how much the heat has ravaged his mother. We don't know anything unless you start telling us what's going on. Lead the readers onto the path of light, don't let them stray into the darkness. And yes, this applies to just about everything else.

You lack a lot of imagery, which would really help your story if you had it. There's the whole drought scenario so giving us thoughts of dead things or cracked paint or something would provide such colorful descriptions and make your story even more entertaining.

Grammar and spelling aren't your forte, are they? Nevertheless, take the time to proofread. No, seriously, do it. Check your spelling and your grammar and watch for awkward sentences. There is absolutely no excuse for not checking/proofreading. If you don't, it would show us a lazy writer is writing a story. Throughout the story, there are many typos and spelling mistakes, but mostly typos. These little typos add up if you keep making them and slowly the readers will get aggravated when they read another one. Take the time to proofread. I mean sometimes you don't capitalize the beginning of a sentence, don't have correct capitalization/punctuation in dialogue, etc. For example:


These two sentences have quite a few mechanical errors. Can you look for them? Oh you can, because I bolded them for you. The quotation marks are fine, however, you need a space afterwards. The description of the... room is so vauge. You used threshold and boiling room, and I misread it as boiler room and thought Ross lived in the basement. Don't go over the top and try to use "fancy" words to describe things, just use your standard vocabulary. It doesn't work here. Next, the rest of the bolded words are all spelling mistakes. Take a look, take a nice long look. See, now that I pointed them out, you notice them! Fix them and don't let it happen anymore. Keep your typos down to a minimum so your writing comes off as more professional.

Oh, one more thing. You have some personal vendetta against "said", apparently. I don't think you used it at all. You use other annoying words like "exclaimed" or "inquired". Those aren't interesting. Those are terrible words to use. They break up your flow. When you do that, you take readers out of the story and remind them that they're reading something and get them interested in hitting the back button rather than reading more. Word choice is everything and I hope you understand that. Don't try to "show-off" your vocabulary and try using those words, they aren't interesting. They throw people off, especially when used in excess.

Okay, time for the plot. Actually, there is no plot. Nothing happened, until the very end. Pretty much everything but the last three paragraphs are actually relevant. What's the bloody point of that? A lot of writers have the problem of starting out with some typical OT fic beginning, like I'm off to save the world, bye! Truth is, it's boring and no one wants to read that. Putting us right into the action, like mentioning all the blood and the eerie cracked windows on Professor Elm's lab is a lot more interesting versus reading about a kid waking up. And his mother fainting from hallucinations, or something. I firmly believe that the first sentence in your story is probably the most important, because that's the one people will definitely read. This pretty much applies to your first paragraph, so keep it interesting. Don't start telling us random crap like waking up. Get us into action. Show us some awesome sword fights or tense Pokemon battles. It's important that almost everything you write is relevant to the plot, even if vaguely, just so readers know what they're reading is important. Otherwise, why would we read it if it was so insignificant?

Your writing style is funny. I know DarkIceForever mentioned it, but I don't think it's too bad. It's probably due to your lack of experience in writing prose, but that will come eventually, I promise. If it doesn't, then it's because you haven't bothered to improve. And if you still don't, well, then you can punch me in the nose. Anyway, keep writing so you can feel some kind of rhythm you can hang on to and ride away. So that's all I can say about that. Though, reading a bit more would help. Really help actually, that way you can get used to professional writing techniques and learn a thing or two.

Keep writing and continue to improve. Look to what you have and try working with it. Give readers an image, one that you, too, will recognize. That's actually a really hard thing to do since you know what you want, and some readers will look at it differently but try your best. Remember to proofread and watch for any sort of typos. It's a big deal and a bit underrated with new authors.

PS - The last line of your story is whacky. Don't bother bolding it or centering it because I almost didn't notice to begin with. The impact of the line shouldn't rely on looking cool on paper, but moreover the power of the words.

PSS - Your title is spelled incorrectly. It should be "Resistance" without an extra "i".
Thanks for taking the time to reply, same with DarkIceForever! I read through all you advice, and I'll definitely take your advice on board. And now i've realised the title's spelt incorrectly, which doesnt help things haha! To be honest, that chapter was incredibly rushed, and it shows. I wrote it a few days ago, and really I just wanted to get ideas down. So, I looked over my Chapter 2 that I've begun and made improvements to it. Oh and by the way, his mother is incredibly dehydrated, and too weak to make the trip to Goldenrod. Anyway, lets begin:

Chapter 2: Hostage Situation

Ross didn't dare to look over his shoulder. His brain entered a panic, and began to take in details about the lab he had not noticed before: There were Pokeballs scattered across the ground, along with several research books. There had obviously been a struggle before Professor Elm was murdered. Ross heard footsteps, which were unmistakably coming in his direction. He braced himself, for the bang of the gun, and for his whole world to end. He looked at Professor Elm's cold, lifeless corpse. Soon, it would be him.

He felt someone grab his arm swiftly, forcing him up from his bent over position. Cigarette smoke blew in Ross' face, and a *** butt fell to his feet, before a strong stamp from the murderer killed the fire. Ross struggled against the man's iron grip, but it was hopeless.

"Stop strugglin' boy, it'll make things a whole lot easier," said the man. His gruff voice was that of a heavy smoker, and his breath smelt like an ash tray. Ross obeyed the man's commands, and gave up his struggle. The man let out a forced chuckle.

"Good, now don't make a sound"the man ordered, taking Ross closer and closer to the entrance door. Just before he reached the door, Ross passed by a second man; his faced adorned with violent scars. The man flashed a grin, exploiting his ruined teeth. Ross saw in his hands the glint of a pistol. ross shuddered, before his attention was averted elsewhwere by a tremendous noise. Police sirens.

"Crap!" the man holding Ross shouted, bursting the door down. He held Ross in front of him forcefully, as the police exited their vehicles. Ross heard the footsteps of the second man exiting the lab. Everyone was ready to shoot.

A man with white hair and a black suit stepped from out behind one of the police cars. Ross instantly recognised the man, the president of the Johto Region: Martin Thomson.

"Let the hostage go, Bill" Martin said, police all around him ready to pull the trigger.

"We had a deal," the president continued, shaking his head. Ross presumed Bill was the murderer who was holding him, but he felt so confused. How did the president know his name, and what kind of deal would a murderer have struck with the President? Soon enough, Bill replied:

"Deal's off, Mr. President," Bill said, tightening his grip on Ross. Ross felt something cold press against his right temple: a gun. He gulped nervously, wishing he was anywhere apart from New Bark town. Ross was now distracted by a new sound, which boomed through the air: A chopper. More police, Ross thought to himself. He heard Bill chuckle in his ear, which he found unusual, what could he possibly find funny about police reinforcements? Ross struggled to look up, the chopper was now hovering directly above them. Then, the chopper opened fire.

Ross expected to be free from Bill's grip, but the chopper gunned down the police. Bullets bounced off the ground, as police collapsed, blood puring from gunshot wounds. Martin Thomson hid for cover in a police car. Ross heard the ignition start, as the vehicle roared away towards Cherrygrove. After the police were dispatched, the chopper landed softly on the grass.

Bill's accomplice jogged over to converse with the pilots, and motioned Bill over after about five minutes. Bill shoved Ross along, and into the back of the chopper. Ross heard Bill talking to the pilot, but didn't hear the subject of conversation. He heard small phrases, 'send reinforcements' and 'we'll hold out here'. Soon enough, the chopper rose into the air. Ross looked out the window, and caught his first glimpse of Bill's face. It was menacing, his deep brown eyes pierced through Ross, and he had a very noticable scar above his lip. His nose was crooked, and disfigured. Ross lost sight as the chopper rose, and he was left by himself, in the back room of the chopper, with no way out.

He wondered where the chopper was heading, his head abuzz with ideas and theories as to who Bill was, and how he knew the president. He heard noise from the front of the chopper. A radio, the news was on. Ross listened closely for the headline, bound to be a story about the ongoing drought. But he was wrong:

"Police have confirmed that New Bark Town has been taken over by an unknown group. The raid began this morning after citizens reported disturbance at Professor Elm's lab. Police responded immediately, but were outnumbered by the thugs. The president has not yet made a statement. dozens are missing in the town after the attacks, investigations are on going as to where they are. More on this story at 2:00pm".

Ross felt close to tears. He listened closely still but heard nothing. Then, he heard something outside the chopper. For the first time in 40 days, he heard the unmistakable pitter-patter of rain.


Last edited by Dragovian98; March 18th, 2012 at 11:52 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old March 15th, 2012, 07:29 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Yes, I did know what was happening to his mother and it didn't make much sense. That's what I was getting at. It seemed too rush, too cliched, and more importantly, poorly built up. There's that annoying flash of memory writers always tend to use, especially in single parent homes. Seriously, why do all trainers have single parent homes?

And you need to slow down, cowboy. You just posted a chapter yesterday and now you've gone and posted the next one. When you do this, there are a number of problems that rise. First, readers don't have time to let the previous chapter sink in. I think I've said that many times and I still don't believe a word of it anymore. Screw that. Anyway, next thing is that it's evident you didn't proofread. Or if you did, you didn't do a very good job of doing it. I suggest getting a beta-reader or something before you post, mainly because you have tremendous mechanical errors that you didn't bother fixing in your previous chapter. That's another thing: fix your previous chapters before you go on. I believe it to be courteous if you edit your chapter if numerous people give you some kind of feedback, which in this case, happened. But I know you didn't try to fix your spelling, grammar, story, whatever. Please, go ahead and fix before you move on. It's common courtesy and polite to show reviewers that you actually did read our replies and that you took them to heart and applied them.

And if you proofread, you obviously did not do a good job of it. There are a few guidelines that you should follow when you proofread. Each time you proofread, look for a different thing. Maybe you want to skim through for mechanical errors first. That's fine. Next, you actually want to start editing and junk. No chapter is perfect on its first go. I guarantee it. There might be just a single sentence that can change the whole dynamic of a chapter and you didn't realize it because you didn't bother reading over your work thoroughly enough. I say you did not proofread well because of how fast you posted. Pace yourself. Take your time. Here's a little rule of thumb I keep. Write and finish a chapter. Wait a day, or two if you're really up for it, so do anything but read your chapter over. Next, you actually edit and proofread and do a really intricate read. This will catch all your mistakes, things you're not sure about, etc. Do this. And when you proofread, don't just read it. Speak it out loud and read it to yourself. If you're embarrassed, well, you need to make some changes, don't you? I hate to rant about this, but I felt like I really needed to say it.

Oh yeah, you also could have combined your two chapters together. You know, makes it more entertaining. Or something like that. This chapter is rather short, so combining them would have been a fine idea. However, you didn't want to because you wanted to rush, for no good reason, so the past is past. Remember this though, don't rush. Take your time.

I don't get the whole colon structured sentences. They weren't present in the preceding chapter, so obviously they aren't part of your style. At least that's what I think. And not to mention they're annoying. You use them quite excessively and it gets old quickly. Use commas, periods, whatever, but stop trying to force in colons. Commas could be used in most cases, or use a conjunction or something.

I'm also kind of missing the whole point of this chapter. It's extremely weird and it seems arbitrary. Things just happen randomly and jumble up into a giant chaotic mass of action and blood, and maybe a Pokemon or two. It doesn't help that it is so short, so it's hard to comprehend and whatnot.

I can't say anymore because my back is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair for so long. Ow. I need a chiropractor or something. Anyway, read over your stuff. Your action is rushed and there isn't a sense of realism at all. It seems too ridiculous, even for a Pokemon fic. I'll keep following to see how you progress, so keep trying to improve.
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old March 16th, 2012, 10:13 AM
SuperGamecube64's Avatar
SuperGamecube64
The best console ever
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Virginia
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
The only things I really have to comment on have already been said. Don't rush, your readers aren't going to spontaneously burst into flame overnight. Take your time.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old March 16th, 2012, 10:00 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
I edited your thread title so the typo's gone.

And yes, Dragovian98, I give the advice of taking the time to write your chapters. Type them up when you have the inspiration for them, but then let them sit for a few days before you read over the finished chapter. This way, your eyes will be fresh, and you can see any typos you might have made, or if there are any missing scenes to be added/extra scenes to be cut, or if any scenes don't make sense to readers.
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 04:32 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.