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Old March 17th, 2012, 09:14 PM
Fixedthe_Fernback's Avatar
Fixedthe_Fernback
I fixed it.
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Age: 19
Gender: Male

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Author's Note (Please read):
Spoiler:
Quick note before the story begins. This has been my first attempt at writing fiction in a long time. I haven't actively written anything since I was a kid. So, naturally, I'm inexperienced and have been prone to making mistakes related to grammar, spelling and a few missteps with the plot. This series is already in syndication on other forums thus the first five chapters are written and posted in one place or another. However, because I'm evil, I'll only be posting one chapter here a day until I'm caught up, after which I'll update regularly here.

One more quick note about the content of the story, it's an OT/Journey fic in it's most basic definition, however I've worked diligently to avoid implementing any cliched or unoriginal plot points/characters. This series takes place in an alternate universe, though uses some characters and places from the canon. As far as the plot goes, the main focus is the relationship between humans and Pokemon.

The story itself follows a reluctant hero as he collects badges, travels the world, unwillingly battles egotistical, self-righteous and destructive organizations, and learns about the importance of friendship, love and doing what is morally just. However, he does it all with only one goal in mind: compete in the Pokemon Global League and become Global League Champion.

So without anymore delay...here.we.go...


Pokemon Central
Prologue
"Aspirations”

This is it...

Everything I’ve worked for, the only thing I ever really wanted...

I’ve sacrificed everything to be here. My friends, family...

And even her.

I’ve lost so much, put myself through so much.

I have hurt so many people, people that cared about me.

I have no remorse. No regrets. I’ve lost myself.

I can’t live in the past. Only in this one moment.

But...

Despite the decisions I have made, they still stand by me.

I don’t understand their loyalty. I don’t know if it’s naive or admirable.

Either way, they’re here and they aren’t leaving. That’s all that matters.

My Pokemon...the places we’ve been together. So many years, we have travelled.

So many great memories. I can’t focus on those, though...




Man...that’s just like me to be crying at a time like this.

I can hear the roaring crowd.

No more time for this.

Everything I have aspired for, it’s right within my grasp.

Just one more fight.

My only chance for glory. I can’t lose here.

No! Not here! It has all been for this moment!

“Ladies and gentlemen on the Empyreal Islands, it is time for the Global League Championship battle!”



I
“Introducing...”



--- BREAKING NEWS ---

“The Unova League held a press conference early this afternoon regarding the disappearance of several first-year trainers in the Unova region in recent weeks. League chairman, Anthony Pierce, who’s own daughter is the most recent trainer to go missing, released the following statement:”

“In response to the disappearances of Neil White, Henry Covell, Alison Pierce and Sarah Carter, the Unova League, in cooperation with the Unova Task Force, has decided to hold off the coming year’s Unova League Tournament until further notice. All local tournaments and gym competitions are here-by cancelled, and we ask all registered trainers return to their homes until the Unova Task Force completes their investigation. We apologize for any inconveniences that arise due to our decision. We have explored many options and this is for the best. We will do whatever is necessary to protect our youth and return the missing trainers to their families. Thank you.”

“The announcement has been met with much criticism by many Pokemon trainers, who are expressing their worries of possibly being unable to compete in the next Pokemon Global League Tournament on the Empyreal Islands. Global League officials are expected to hold a conference tomorrow morning to address the matter. Until then, this is Channel 4 news anchor Amanda Reaves signing off.”

The screen of the television turned to fuzz and the room became silent. Fifteen year old would-be trainer Lucas Ahlberg lies asleep, completely unaware of the previous announcement.

Lucas aspires to become the next Pokemon Global League Champion, just as his father and grand-father did before him. The blood of champions flows through his veins. The blood of legends. Lucas himself is already a local celebrity, having won the Young Legends tournament in Opelucid three years in a row. A real prodigy, he is. But, not prodigal enough to wake in time for breakfast.

“It’s already noon? Damnit! I should really learn to set the alarm at night!”

Lucas, late enough as it is, jumped out of bed and rushed to get dressed. He took a moment to comb his thick blond hair, then slipped into a pair of jeans, put on a white tee and grabbed his jacket that was part of his uniform in the Academy. Lucas attended the Unova Pokemon Academy for most of his life, until last year. He graduated early and at the top of his class at the young age of fourteen. Because of his age, and because he is naturally shy, Lucas never made many friends in school and he was bullied in the Academy on a regular basis. Even genius comes at a price.

Lucas rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen. No one was home.

His sister, Natalie (whom Lucas has always affectionately referred to as Nattie, and sometimes Nat) had left him a note on the table. It read:

Dear big brother,

You slept in again, didn’t you? I knew it!
Breakfast is in the microwave. 30 seconds, or you’ll ruin it!
Oh, and Auggie wants you to meet him at the Gym.
Something important, so don’t forget, okay?

P.S.
I picked berries for Avey and left them in the fridge.
Make sure he gets them.

Love your little sister,

Nattie


Natalie put herself in charge of house-keeping at a young age. Lucas and Natalie lost their parents early in their childhood. They live with a friend of their father’s now, Augustus Bellamy. He is the gym leader in Opelucid, so he has no time to take care of the house, and he’s not paid enough to hire a maid. So, Nattie takes care of everything. She likes it though.

Lucas heated up his breakfast, 30 seconds, just as he was instructed in the note.

“It’s delicious even after being re-heated! I don’t think I’ll ever get over Nattie’s ability as a cook.”

Lucas didn’t want to keep Augustus waiting too long, so he quickly inhaled his breakfast and downed his orange juice in what seemed like a single gulp.

“Alright, time to head to the gym, but first, where’s Avey?”

“CACHOO!”

Lucas heard a sneeze, and from around the corner, a tiny cub wandered into the room. The cub’s head was a light-blue color, and it’s body mostly white. A large drip of snot was dangling from his small black nose.

It was Lucas’ Cubchoo, Avey. Avey was Lucas’ father’s last gift to his son before disappearing. Lucas and Avey grew up together, and through the years have developed a special bond most trainers wouldn't understand.

“Hey buddy, ready to go?”

“Choo?”

Avey stared at Lucas rather confusingly, rubbing circles on his tummy.

“Oh, you’re probably hungry, aren’t you?”

Lucas walked to the fridge and remove the frosted berries his sister had picked earlier that morning.

“Here. Nat picked these just for you. You’ll have to thank her later.”

“Cubchoo!”

Lucas made sure he had everything together while Avey ate. He ran back to his room and grabbed his backpack and C-Gear. With that, he was ready to go.

Lucas and Avey set out through the streets of Opelucid to the local gym. Walking through Opelucid was a lot like visiting a living museum. That’s not to say the city is completely ancient. The technology there is more advanced than in most other cities in Unova, but the city itself hasn’t changed much since it was built. Even the gym is just a simple stadium, unlike most gyms in Unova which typically revolve around some kind of gimmick. It was hotter out that day. Hotter than a spring afternoon should be, anyways. Lucas thought this to himself as he stopped at a news stand outside of the Opelucid Gym.

<: Opelucid Post :>
UNOVA LEAGUE CANCELLED?

The Unova League has shut-down all League related activities in response to the recent disappearances of first-year trainers.
continue reading on page A4

Youngster Holds Shorts Convention
10 year-old Billy Mayes promotes 3rd annual convention for shorts enthusiasts to be held in his backyard
more on page A5

Global League Responds
Global League Officials respond to Unovian first-year trainers’ concerns in competing in the next scheduled tournament
their response on page A5

“Aspirations” Returning to Opelucid!
Opie award winning bio-pic of former GLC, Ekkehard Giles, returning to Opelucid silver screens for a limited time.
dates for the compelling biography on page A7

Lucas grabbed a copy of today’s paper and rushed into the gym alongside Avey.

“Auggie? Are you here,” Lucas called out.

“Lucas! Did you sleep in again?”

Augustus Bellamy. Standing at six and a half feet and bearing a rather rough appearance, Augustus has always looked a bit intimidating. Short brown hair and never shaved. He usually wore black shirt with the design of the Opelucid gym and shorts, but on that day he was in a tank top.

“Damnit! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

“Watch your tongue, kid. You might be getting older, but there is always a time and place for that kind of language. This isn’t the time or the place. Anyways, what are you so on edge about?”

“The paper, didn’t you see?”

“The thing about the shorts kid? Yeah, I saw that. Freaky stuff.”

“Shorts? No, not the shorts, the Unova League! They’re holding back all of the first-year trainers! If I don’t start collecting badges this year I won’t qualify to compete in the next Global League. What am I supposed to do now? I graduated early just to be sure I could compete in the next tournament.”

“Did you forget how to read, genius? Page A5.”

Global League Responds
Global League officials believe they have found a way to ease the concerns of first-year Unovian trainers by allowing them to re-register to compete in Johto’s Silver Conference and Kanto’s Indigo League...

“So, I’ll have to go abroad for the start of my journey? That’s...really cool! I’ll see all kinds of Pokemon we don’t have in Unova, and with Avey, I’ll have a unique starter the trainers there won’t,” Lucas shouted excitedly.

“That’s right. I remember when I first left Unova. I went to the Hoenn region, but I didn’t get far. Your father had enlisted me to join him on the Empyreal Islands as a part of his Elite Four shortly after I left.”

“Oh yeah, you only collected the Unova gym badges, didn’t you?”

“Mhm,” Augustus nodded and began to ramble about his time in the Global League’s Elite Four.

Lucas was intrigued by Augustus’ stories. He loved to hear about his parents and the other members of the Elite Four. Lucas’ father, Logan was the thirteenth Global League Champion. He had enlisted Augustus, his best friend, as his first elite. His wife, Abigail, was his second elite. His third elites were a married pair, Robert and Marianne Day, who later gained a fortune in Johto as Pokemon breeders. His fourth elite was a well-known Pokemon professor, Dante Vinci from Cinnibar Island in the Kanto region.

Along with them, Logan held the title of Global League Champion for eight years. Of course, anyone who challenged the Elite Four never made it to him until his fourth consecutive tournament as Champion, where he was defeated by the current champion, Miles Novak.

After their defeat, Logan and the former Elite Four returned to their homes and settled down. It was the beginning of the end for the former champion. Shortly after returning to Unova, Abigail died giving birth to Natalie. A year later, Dante was killed when a massive explosion destroyed most of Cinnibar Island. Logan, not believing it to be an accident, went to Kanto to learn more about his friend’s demise. He never returned and Lucas and Natalie were left in Augustus’ care.

“Auggie...do you think it’s possible my father could still be alive?”

“That’s not an easy question for me to answer, kid.”

“Right. That’s what you always say.”

The awkward silence that followed left the two in extreme discomfort.

“Lucas, you should probably head home. You need to re-register and start preparing for your journey. You should be able to leave as soon as next week if you go through the proper channels. I’m going to stay here though. Have to shut this place down until the League gives the okay to re-open.”

“You’re right. I don’t want to fall any further behind. It’s time for Avey and I to begin our journey, right pal?”

“Cuubchooo!”
---------------
That's the end of the chapter. Any kind of advice or critique would be greatly appreciated. The more feedback I get on anything with the story the more I will be able to improve in the coming chapters and as a writer overall. Also, expect daily chapter updates for at least the next week or so.
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  #2    
Old March 19th, 2012, 09:14 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Choo Choo! All aboard the champion fic! Sorry I always need to find a way to entertain myself when I write review/advice or whatever you want to call it. Anyways without...ah forget it..

Sooooo,

I feel there is something I need to get off my chest. A lot of inexperienced writers (like me) tend to make their characters the "most powerful in the world"

This bit right here honestly almost made me click the back button.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
This is it...

Everything I’ve worked for, the only thing I ever really wanted...

I’ve sacrificed everything to be here. My friends, family...

And even her.

I’ve lost so much, put myself through so much.

I have hurt so many people, people that cared about me.

I have no remorse. No regrets. I’ve lost myself.

I can’t live in the past. Only in this one moment.

But...

Despite the decisions I have made, they still stand by me.

I don’t understand their loyalty. I don’t know if it’s naive or admirable.

Either way, they’re here and they aren’t leaving. That’s all that matters.

My Pokemon...the places we’ve been together. So many years, we have travelled.

So many great memories. I can’t focus on those, though...




Man...that’s just like me to be crying at a time like this.

I can hear the roaring crowd.

No more time for this.

Everything I have aspired for, it’s right within my grasp.

Just one more fight.

My only chance for glory. I can’t lose here.

No! Not here! It has all been for this moment!

“Ladies and gentlemen on the Empyreal Islands, it is time for the Global League Championship battle!”.
I think it was a really redundant way to start a story. Making a person already at thier peak of the game is somewhat..repetitive. I'm not sure if this is Lucas (probably not) but If it wasn't then why turn-off you readers like that? It's not that it was badily written, it's because I was fooled into thinking "Oh look another champion fic with a person already in the final round."

I think I speak for some people but we generally like to read about a character's progression, so you'd should have expected somebody else to get turned off.

Anyhow on to Lucas. Now here's the thing that bothered me. Why does Lucas have to be a champion, even if his grandfather and father where champions before him? It's his destiny? He's a legend? Why? T_T.This really made me dislike this character. He seemed egoistic himself or the way you presented him did. He is starting to become gary stu to me. And Gary Stus are always bad.

The next thing is a bit of some logical sense. I'm a logic troll, but in a good way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
League chairman, Anthony Pierce, who’s own daughter is the most recent trainer to go missing, released the following statement:”

“In response to the disappearances of Neil White, Henry Covell, Alison Pierce and Sarah Carter, the Unova League, in cooperation with the Unova Task Force, has decided to hold off the coming year’s Unova League Tournament until further notice. All local tournaments and gym competitions are here-by cancelled, and we ask all registered trainers return to their homes until the Unova Task Force completes their investigation. We apologize for any inconveniences that arise due to our decision. We have explored many options and this is for the best. We will do whatever is necessary to protect our youth and return the missing trainers to their families. Thank you.”
Why does a chairman have to cancel an entire regional competition? Because his daughter is missing? Because he wants to protect the youth so to speak? I mean you just can't tell hundreds maybe thousands to pack up and go home; there is no pokemon leauge this year. Intresting concept but it wasn't handled correctly. It overall made me think the dude is selfish! He is delaying the dreams of others "just because he cares about the youth's safety." I think it had the opposite effect of making him seem sypathetic. I mean how would football fans react if the NFL commissioner cancelled the whole season because his son/daughter went missing? MLB, NBA..ect

So I guess there is a hole in your story. Lucas can't badge hunt because this selfish chairman cancelled the leauge. Not really a much of a acceptable reason for that.

There are also some sentences that could be worded diffrently to sound smoother.

Like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
Lucas rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen. No one was home.
Lucas rushed down stairs, into the kitchen and found nobody home.

And

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
"Watch your tongue, kid. You might be getting older, but there is always a time and place for that kind of language. This isn’t the time or the place. Anyways, what are you so on edge about?”
Watch your tounge kid. Just because you're getting older doesn't mean you can use that kind of language. There is a time and a place for that, and this isn't the time nor the place. What are you so edged about anyway?

Now there is always a character I seem to pick as a favorite from one of the introduced and I have to say that Nattie is one. She seems pretty grown up and in charge, much more mature than Lucas.

Well and that is all the time I have for today, maybe all week!

PS. I did somewhat rush the review so you might find a couple words misspelled words. I did however get the major points I wanted to get across. I'll be back in the future to check up on it here and there.
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