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  #1    
Old March 20th, 2012, 01:36 PM
blaszinski
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Female

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Chapter 1

I had been venturing inside a very dark cave for two days and I was running low on water and Pokémon food for my team. I used my last potion on Beast during our previous battle against a particularly brutal Onix. I would die a little inside if anyone on my team were to faint because of my lack of directional skills. Feeling the guilty nausea set in, I decided to let my team out of their pokéballs for a little pep talk.

“Come on out Beast!”

In a whirl of flames my hardheaded Charmeleon joined me in the damp cavern.

There was something different about Beast. Along with being a very mischievous Pokémon, he was a slightly different color than most Charmeleon. Charmeleon are usually a dark reddish orange, but Beast was a light golden color. He was this same color when I first picked my Charmander for a starter Pokémon back in Cherrygrove city. Charmander wouldn’t have been my first choice for my starter, but his odd coloring just drew me in. I knew there was something special about Beast and I wanted to find out what his odd coloring meant. Professor Elm claimed that he did not know what caused this odd coloring, but would get his research team to investigate.

As soon as he was out of, what I can only assume is very cramped, pokéball he stretched his legs and slowly walked over to me with a smirk spread across his mischievous face.

“I know, I know. You were right all along, Beast. I should have picked up more potions in Cherrygrove City, but I’m trying my best to get us out of here. There are just so many caverns and trainers in here; I’m starting to get a little turned around. Would you and Violet like to help me get out of here?”

I watched as Beast raised his brow in confusion, wondering why he could not do this job on his own.

“I know you could do it, but you just fought really hard against that Onix and Violet has had plenty of time to rest since her last battle. We will all do it together, alright, buddy?”

I chuckled to myself as Beast spit a small flame and yet again flashed a sly little smirk my way. Taking that as my signal to let Violet out of her pokéball, I reached to my belt.

“Violet, can you help us out here? I think we should just trace our steps back out the way we came.”

I heard a loud hoot as Violet came twirling out of her pokéball, as she loved to do. Ever since I caught her on Route 29, she was a very playful, loving Hoothoot and was very willing to join Beast and I on our journey. As the sound of her happy hooting reached my hears, it was quickly replaced by painful screeching. In horror I watched as Beast decided to torch Violet with a spiteful ember attack.

“Beast! What do you think you’re doing!?” I shouted as I ran to Violet’s aide.

Beast simply snickered to himself and started to slowly walk away, towards what he assumed was the entrance to the cave. Leaning over violet, holding her in my arms, I explained to her that Beast was simply joking around and has yet to realize that he is actually hurting her. With a weak little hoot she returned back to her pokéball.

Running to catch up to Beast, I stopped him in his tracks to try to explain to him why what he just did was wrong. After a very long lecture of how Violet was now apart of our team and that he needs to respect his teammates, and myself for that matter, he slowly bowed his head and snorted a small puff of smoke that I took as an apology.

“Just don’t do it again. Violet is your friend and just wants to help us out. Now let’s get out of here and let her rest. Once we’re out of this cave I think we should head straight to Violet City to heal up at the Pokémon Center.” I then took out two repels and sprayed down myself and Beast.




I am sorry if this is in the wrong spot, I am new here. I appreciate any and all feedback!
  #2    
Old March 20th, 2012, 02:05 PM
blaszinski
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Chapter 2


“Melly? Your Pokémon are just fine now! They sure had a rough time in that cave though, didn’t they?” I heard Nurse Joy calling me as she appeared from the back room of the Pokémon Center. Standing up, I walked over to collect my pokéballs.

“Haha. Yea, they sure did. I’ll make sure to take more potions with me next time.” I nervously laughed and took my pokéballs from Joy. I then hurriedly turned my back to her and proceeded out of the door.

Once on my own again, I let Beast out of his pokéball to walk along side me. As soon as the ball left my hand, flames burst out, surrounding Beast in a fiery inferno as he snarled and snorted a happy hello.

“Well someone’s certainly feeling better,” I laughed to myself. It had been a while since I had seen Beast so lively and full of energy. I could tell he was just raring to battle, and I was determined to give him what he wanted. I took out my Pokédex to see what exactly there was to do in Violet City.

“Hey Beast! It says that the first gym is here in Violet City. What do you say? Think we can take Faulkner?”

Beast raised his head and spit a large flame into the air, flexing his muscles as he did so. He was just itching to battle.

“Well, Faulkner specializes in flying-type Pokémon which are weak to electric-types, so I think we should try and find one of those around here before we go and challenge him.”

To my surprise, Beast simply nodded, turned, and headed towards Route 32. Entering the tall grass, we kept our eyes peeled for any Pokémon that may prove useful in our quest to beat Faulkner. Beast quickly burned through all of the Rattata and Bellsprout in the area, and I was beginning to wonder if there even was any electric-types to be had in this area. We were about to give up hope when we saw what looked to be like a small jolt of lighting in the sky to our far right. Looking up to the sky, I didn’t see a raincloud in sight so I was slightly confused. I could tell that Beast shared my confusion as he bolted towards the lighting only after giving me a very strange look. I could tell he was very eager to find out what the source of this strange phenomenon was.

Following Beast through the thick brush proved to be difficult, but I managed to keep up somehow and almost tripped over him when he came to a sudden stop. There in front of us stood a Mareep, the electric wool Pokémon.

“Finally! OK, Beast, are you ready? I think you need to take care of this, since I don’t think Violet would fair too well against him.” I said to my partner as he stepped even closer to the wild Mareep. I could see every muscle on his small yet stalky body flexing and twitching, just aching to start the battle.

“Alright, Beast, scratch attack!” I shouted. I watched as Beast leapt toward the unsuspecting Mareep and caught it off guard with a wicked scratch straight to the face. The Mareep wailed in pain and tried to run away, its vision impaired due to the scratches on its face. “Hurry and use ember before it gets away!” I shout one more time. Before I had even finished giving the command there was a plume of flames flying out of Beast’s mouth, engulfing the wild Pokémon in fire. I quickly pulled an empty pokéball from my backpack and tossed it at the injured Pokémon. Both Beast and I stared at the twitching pokéball, waiting for the ding that signals a successful capture.

Ding!

And there it was; My second capture, and another victory for Beast. I cheered and Beast ran up to me, waiting for approval. I gave him a hearty pat on the head and told him how proud I was, and I went to retrieve my newly caught Mareep, which I deemed, Fluffy.

---------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3


Fluffy was a very energetic and playful Mareep. I loved the way her cream wool fluffed up when she ran around with the rest of my team. I watched as Fluffy and Beast engaged in a game of tag and Violet rested in a nearby tree, watching the others. The look in Violet’s eyes told me that she thought the others were being childish. Violet used to be very playful, but since Fluffy joined the team, she seemed to be tenser and isolated herself a lot. My only guess was that she didn’t quite enjoy another female being around, but I was sure that she would get used to Fluffy in time.

“Alright you guys, we need to get to training again if we are ever going to beat Faulkner.” I called to Beast and Fluffy. It didn’t take but a few seconds for them to be by my side again, the childish antics nowhere in sight and a serious look on their faces. I returned Beast and Violet to their pokéballs since they were already considerably stronger than any Pokémon around, and I only needed to focus on Fluffy’s training. Fluffy began bouncing around emphatically again when she realized that she was going to get some one-on-one time with me. I laughed at her eagerness to get training and led her into the tall grass nearby.
We began our training, easily taking out the many Pidgeys that appeared; yet struggling slightly whenever we would meet the familiar Bellsprout. We had just defeated another Rattata when all of a sudden Fluffy let out a loud wail.

A vibrant pink light flashed in front of me, surrounding Fluffy in a neon abyss. I knew this light all too well from when Beast first evolved back in the dark cave. I watched as the neon light grew brighter and brighter until I could no longer see my beloved Fluffy, and then slowly faded out to where all I saw gleaming in front of me was a pink, fluffy Pokémon, Flaaffy.

After evolving into Flaaffy, Fluffy didn’t have near as much of that pretty cream wool that I loved, and her coloring went from yellow to pink. Don’t get me wrong, Fluffy was cute as a button now, but I had grown fond of Mareep. I leaned down and gave Fluffy a big hug for doing so well and working so hard. I knew we were ready for Faulkner now.
I returned Fluffy to her pokéball and walked reluctantly back to the Pokémon Center to heal up my team before venturing into Violet City’s gym.

“Back again so soon, Melly?” Nurse Joy greeted me with a smile as I walked in the door. Nurse Joy always made me nervous for some reason, so all I could do was reply to this comment with a smile. Something about her just made me wonder what exactly was going on behind the back door of the Pokémon center, what exactly she was doing with everyone’s Pokémon. Oh well. Just a mystery I will never solve.

Dodging another drawn out goodbye with Joy, I walked back outside and let Beast out of his Pokéball once more. Another wave of fire and my friend was standing by my side growling and flexing his muscles.

“Hold up, Beast. No battles just yet. The gym is all the way across town.” I smiled, glad that my partner was always so ready to battle. It let me know that he would never give up on me and would always do his best. I saw a glint of something sneaky in his eye as he looked up at me with a smile. Curious, I just stared down at him waiting to see what he’d do. He then snorted a puff of smoke twice and then spit a small flame. Suddenly he just took off, running as fast as he could across town.

Beast wanted to race! There was never a dull moment with this Pokémon. He made a game out of everything, and that was part of the reason I loved him. I kicked up my heels and took after him, slowly falling farther and farther behind. Beast was dodging in and out of people’s front yards and across the streets of the town. When I finally reached the gym Beast had already caught his breath and was sitting under a nearby tree. As I walked up he slowly stood up and walked to my side with a wide grin spread across his face.

“Yea, yea, yea…” I said with a smirk as we walked together up to the gate. As we grew closer, I noticed a sign on the front gate. “Well Beast, it looks like Faulkner’s not here. This sign says that he’s currently training in Sprout Tower. Guess we should go find him there. Alright, Beast?....Beast?”

I turned around to see Beast’s flame-lit tail sprinting away from me, in the direction of Sprout Tower. Still slightly out of breath, I sighed quietly to myself and started after him.
  #3    
Old March 20th, 2012, 02:16 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Well, well, well. Well. This is your very first post at PokeCommunity and FF&W! Welcome to our... world?

Okay, festivities aside, I'll start to dissect your piece. One thing that completely jumped out at me was that the character has a high risk of being a Gary Stu/Mary Sue (I can't tell their gender...). The shiny Charmander line? Yeah, awesome, now he/she will get some sick black Charizard. That screams perfect so please be sure not to overdo anything. Having a Gary Stu/Mary Sue character will most likely turn off any potential readers and stop them from reading any further, which is something you don't want. What a Gary Stu/Mary Sue is a character that is basically described as perfect. They have everything going their way, whether it be Pokemon or situations or just extreme luck, they have little to no flaws. Their character is also perfect and everyone likes them and wants to be their friend/worships them/whatever. The character isn't revealed much at all in this short chapter, so I can't necessarily say anything other than the little starter Pokemon dilemma. Also, it's weird that a) the trainer would get a Charmander in Johto because Charmander are native to Kanto, b) Professor Elm is too dimwitted to know that the Charmander was a shiny Pokemon, seeing how valued they are, all different specimens, even if unidentified, would be known to be interesting because they contrast starkly to others of its species. Just a few things you might want to take into consideration, since those don't fit along the lines of the Pokemon world at all. What's weirder is that the Charmander breeder or wherever it came from to Professor Elm to maybe the other trainers choosing starter Pokemon, no one recognized how special it was due to its odd coloring.

There are a few parts of your story that conflict with logic in general. I understand that you're going in the context of the games, however, it's hard to conceive when written down into a story format so some things just don't make sense. Here are a few instances:

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
I used my last potion on Beast during our previous battle against a particularly brutal Onix.
There is an Onix in the cave. The trainer is hungry, thirsty, and probably weary, so seeing a monstrous Pokemon rushing towards you in the middle of a cave, what would you do? Run away. Or, if it's not rushing towards you but simply sleeping on the ground, I think waking it up would be the last thing you want. In the games, yeah, you might battle it with your scrawny Charmeleon. But realistically, you'd run away as far as you can. It's huge. Forget fainting your Pokemon, it would kill it by sitting on it. This is well portrayed in a few instances in the anime, mainly the Celebi movie if you recall. A dark Tyranitar, which means that it's completely evil and obedient to evil do-ers and is also extra powerful, had trouble against Brock's gigantic Onix. So a Charmeleon against one? Good luck. This is probably being excessively picky because you're writing in the context of the games, but it's a good thing to think about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
As soon as he was out of, what I can only assume is very cramped, pokéball he stretched his legs and slowly walked over to me with a smirk spread across his mischievous face.
I imagined that Pokemon turn into some weird mass of cool lasers and a mass of... gelatin when they're sucked into a Poke Ball. I didn't think they would be literally cramped up inside, if at all. The Pokemon Special Manga does explain this a bit, as the Pokemon are simply minimized when inside a Poke Ball and are apparently not uncomfortable at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
Ever since I caught her on Route 29, she was a very playful, loving Hoothoot and was very willing to join Beast and I on our journey.
Take out "Beast" and say the sentence, "...willing to join I." Does that make much sense? I is used as a subject of a sentence. In this case, you want to use "me" because it would serve as the direct object. So change I to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
Leaning over violet, holding her in my arms, I explained to her that Beast was simply joking around and has yet to realize that he is actually hurting her.
Violet needs to be capitalized here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
I then took out two repels and sprayed down myself and Beast.
I always thought one repel was enough, since if one person wards Pokemon off, I'd assume the other would be safe in their presence.

Anyway, that's all for specifics. There are a few grammar/mechanical errors, so you might want to proofread before you post so that the errors don't get in the way of the readers' enjoyment. If you don't think you're good enough to find them yourself, get a beta-reader. We have a wonderful, though inactive, beta-reader lounge, which you can check out at the Writer's Lounge.

And I was lucky that I was grabbing that link because I totally just saw you post two chapters in a different thread. Put your chapters in the same thread so readers don't have to go hunt for the next one.

Also, the plot wasn't revealed much at all in this fic so I'm curious as to what is happening, but the problem is, there's nothing as of yet. It's not a prologue, so I believe you should give some general idea to readers so that they know what they're reading.

That's all I really have time for, so I'll hope you take this advice seriously and read through it carefully and keep on striving to improve!
  #4    
Old March 20th, 2012, 02:29 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Quote:
And I was lucky that I was grabbing that link because I totally just saw you post two chapters in a different thread. Put your chapters in the same thread so readers don't have to go hunt for the next one.
This is correct, but I'll merge your two threads together for you. Note it may be better to keep it to one chapter per post though.

Tak note of what was said there - there's some solid advice. Consider editing before writing more as well and check up on things while you write, as there's simple mistakes such as calling Falkner 'Faulkner’.


  #5    
Old March 21st, 2012, 06:43 AM
blaszinski
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Female
I am sorry, I wasn't sure how to add this in with my other chapters.

Chapter 4

Sweating badly, I walked slowly up to the entrance of Sprout Tower. Beast was yet again waiting for me with a smile, but this time all I could manage was a little wave. I was starting to get a little ticked off towards him, but I know he was only joking around so I just blew it off.

“I need a little rest before we go in, Beast. Why don’t you, Violet, and Fluffy hang out a little while I go sit down for a bit?” This question was met with a neutral snort. I knew he was excited to battle, but he understood that I needed to rest.

I let Fluffy out first, and with a rather loud bray she was standing by my side looking up at me with loving eyes. I smiled at her and told her to go play with Beast for a little bit to blow off some steam until we were ready to go inside. She closed her eyes momentarily and gave me a large grin before running off towards Beast who was now a wall of spinning flames in the joy of seeing Fluffy coming to play with him. They both touched hands and ran off together to start another game of tag.

“Alright, Violet. I think we need to have a little talk.” I said as I reached for Violet’s Pokéball. With a small hoot, Violet came out and immediately flew into a nearby tree. “Come on, Violet. Please come talk to me.” I begged. I was ignored once again, so I went to stand below the tree to speak with her.

“Do you really dislike Fluffy this much?” I asked, staring up at Violet who was now avoiding eye contact and picking at small leaves stuck in her feathers. All I got in return was a quick glance and a sigh, which I took as a yes. “And you’re upset with me for keeping her on our team?” I added on when I realized that response was all I was going to get. Another sigh.

“Well what do you want me to do about it, Violet? Fluffy hasn’t done anything wrong and she’s an important asset to our team.” After this Violet quickly took flight and landed in a different tree a few yards away. Violet’s actions were depressing me and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Unlike some trainers, I actually cared about my Pokémon’s feelings. I cared that Violet was upset and hurting. I wasn’t sure what I was to do about all of this, but I knew that a decision had to be made. I walked slowly to the tree that Violet had decided to flee to and I asked her once more, “What do you want me to do about it, Violet? I need to know what you want.”

Violet looked up quickly and stared deep into my eyes. I could see anger and frustration in her large, black eyes and I knew this was no longer something that might blow over. She then started clicking her beak at me and I could tell that she was just as upset with me as she was with Fluffy.

With a small tear forming in the corner of my eye I decided to ask the question, “Do you not want to be on my team anymore? Do you want to go on your own now?” Asking these questions proved to be too much for me as I let the tear slide down my cheek. I stood silently looking up at my friend as that single tear turned into a slow but steady stream running down my face.

Violet answered me with a simple shake of the head, and after seeing my tears she promptly looked away from me with a soft hoot. I could tell that she did not want to upset me, but she just couldn’t handle Fluffy anymore. With that hoot I couldn’t hold back anymore. I slowly sank down to a sitting position beneath the tree and cried to myself for a few moments. Hearing me cry, Violet came down from the treetop and landed by my side. She rested her head on my knee, letting me know that she still cared about me. I hugged her tightly and whispered to her that we would never forget her. I got another soft hoot in reply and she rubbed her head across my leg.

“Well, I guess we should go get you something to eat at the Pokémon Center before you head off, don’t you think?” I asked through the tears. Violet’s feathers fluttered and she leapt up onto my shoulder. As I walked slowly to the Pokémon Center, my head hung low, all I could think about was the moment I met Violet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Route 29 was full of Rattata, and Beast and I were getting very frustrated. I heard a small hooting to our left and I looked through the grass to see Violet tangled up in a Bellsprout’s wrap attack. I could see that she was struggling and couldn’t move to defend herself. I quickly had Beast rip the Bellsprout off of her before burning it to a crisp, so as not to injure Violet anymore. Once she was free I ran to her side to see just how bad her injuries were. You could see very prominent laceration marks from the Bellsprout’s attack and she was fading quickly. All she could do was look up at me with large loving eyes, silently pleading with me to help her. I quickly reached around to my backpack and pulled out one of my potions, sprayed her cuts, and wrapped bandages around her swollen ankles. Slowly she started to gain strength, enough to stand herself up. Though she was no longer in danger of fainting, she was visibly still very weak.

“If you would like to join Beast and I on our journey, I could take you to a Pokémon center that is very close to here. All you have to do is get in this pokéball.” I softly said to her as I held out one of my empty pokéballs. She looked down at the ball, and then up at me once more. I could see the confusion in her eyes, not sure if she should trust me or not, but she knew that she was weak and needed help. She took the risk and lowered her beak to the button of the pokéball, and joined my team.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tears came to my eyes again as I reminisced in the past of meeting my friend. Luckily, Violet didn’t notice and we could continue our walk in silence. I felt the nausea set in as the Pokémon Center came into view. I knew that I was about to lose one of my best friends, and I cannot explain just how badly it hurt. I just wanted her to be happy.
  #6    
Old March 21st, 2012, 10:56 AM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
At the top and bottom of every thread, there's a button that says "Reply". When you click on that, you'll be taken to a page where you can post your next chapter in the thread. The page looks exactly like the page to post a new thread, except it'll have the rest of the thread (or the last 25 posts of the thread) at the bottom of the screen.

Let either myself or bobandbill know if you have any further questions about posting here.

In the meanwhile, I'll merge this thread with the main thread for your fic.
  #7    
Old March 21st, 2012, 11:15 AM
blaszinski
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Female
I am considering stopping writing these. I am not getting much positive feedback anywhere I am posting these. But here's my last shot.

-----------------------------------------------

Pain just isn’t a strong enough word to describe what I was feeling after watching one of my teammates fly off into the distance. I had tried to call to her and ask where exactly she was going. I wanted to know if maybe there was a chance I would see her again, but Violet had already flown too far away to hear any sound that escaped my lips at that point. Wiping the tears from my eyes I knew that I still had a job to do. I had to go back to Sprout Tower, collect the rest of my team, and find Faulkner.
Faulkner was my first speed bump on the road to becoming a Pokémon master. Without a badge from his gym, I could go no further. I knew that Beast was just itching for a battle, but that he wouldn’t be much help in a battle against flying-type Pokémon. It seemed like Fluffy was my only hope. It all came down to my little pink Flaaffy whether or not I would proceed on to Azalea town to face the second gym. I had faith in Fluffy, but one can’t help but worry.
Back at Sprout Tower I saw Beast and Fluffy lying underneath the large tree that once held Violet moments before. They were visibly exhausted, and this worried me.
“Did y’all really play so hard that you wore yourself out before we even managed to ENTER Sprout Tower?” I asked as I walked up to where they were loafing around. Beast immediately stood up and threw his arms in the air. Everything went black when I realized that he had decided to coat me a thick layer of smoke and ash. Coughing and spitting I fought to regain my breath. As my vision was coming back to me, all I saw was Fluffy rolling on the ground in a fit of laughter and Beast staring at me with that sneaky little gleam in his eyes. “Alright, so you’re still alright to battle. But was that really necessary?”
Beast spit a small flame as I tried to wipe off as much ash and dirt off of my clothes as I could. He then turned his back to me and began to walk towards Sprout Tower. Sometimes I really wished that Beast wasn’t so mischievous, but it really did make things more interesting as he always kept me on my toes. I pulled out Fluffy’s pokéball to put her back onto my belt as Beast and I entered the front door of the tower.
Sprout Tower was very dark, only lit by small candles hung down the halls. There were few others in the tower and I decided to approach the first that I saw. This man seemed to be about sixty years old and slightly hard of hearing as he kept leaning in to hear the woman that he was speaking with. He was wearing a baggy brown shirt and long khaki shorts. This was the first person since I left Cherrygrove city that I had seen wearing sandals, that is, until I looked at the woman beside him. She was also wearing the same sandals, along with a long, flowing brown Indian-style dress. She had her hair in long braids and also seemed to be rather well aged.
“Excuse me, sir?” I asked, slightly louder than I normally would. “Have you seen the gym leader, Faulkner? The sign on his gym said that he wa-“.
The old man abruptly caught me off guard yelling, “GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GIRL. YOU DON’T GOTTSTA YELL! I CAN HEAR YOU-SE JUST FINE!”
Slightly taken aback all I could do was apologize.
“Faulkner’s up on that there top floor of the tower. Now get on and leave me be.” He rudely explained to me. After this statement, Beast spit smoke into the air and took a large step towards the old man. I put my hand down in front of Beast signaling him to calm down, and simply just turned my back on the old man and headed towards the nearest ladder.
--------------------------------------
“Gosh, aren’t there any elevators in this place?” I muttered to myself as I struggled to climb the many ladders that would eventually get me to the top floor of Sprout Tower. I had returned Beast to his pokéball to make the climbing easier, and honestly I am glad I did. I don’t think I could have handled him laughing at my struggle to lift my own body weight up a simple ladder. What can I say? I am a girl, and I have no upper body strength.
I finally pull myself up to the top floor and look around for Faulkner. This floor was darker than the rest, with only a single candle in each of the four corners of the room. As my eyes slowly adjusted to the new lighting I began to see a figure come into view. I am not sure if I was simply adjusting to the lighting or if this figure really was drawing closer to me at a near rapid pace.
In the dark, I was shoved to the ground. As I hit the floor all I felt was a pain in my leg and a crunch on my hip. All I saw was the large figure above me, and a sudden flash of a bright orange light.
  #8    
Old March 21st, 2012, 06:15 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Whoa. Five chapters in the span of two days? I'll advise you right now, before you go any further, read over your work and proofread. That's an underrated thing most new writers tend to ignore for whatever reason. Take your time writing and proofreading. You'll catch your mistakes. I know you're not proofreading that closely since you're still spelling Falkner as "Faulkner." Seriously, take your time and write slowly so your outcome is greater quality. I highly suggest that you take at least a day or two in between writing chapters before you start proofreading. Write a chapter, ignore that chapter for a day, and then read it. That way, your mind is clean and you won't remember too much about it so that your opinion is objective.

The formatting got whacky in this chapter, which I'm assuming is chapter five. Yes, you should have a space between your lines like you've done with your previous chapters; they were fine. This one got a bit hard to read because all the words were jumbled up.

I can say, however, that you have improved a bit. There are still a few quirks here and there, which I'll be sure to tell you later on, but at least the character isn't a Mary Sue and they're kinda likable. I say kinda because they were a bit angsty with the Violet scene. There isn't much description put into that scene. Or any kind of real build up so that readers can get some kind of emotion. First, we don't have much connection at all with Violet nor do we know her personality all that well. Secondly, it just seemed random that she wouldn't like a new member of the team. I think that's more of her personality, I suppose, but still, come on, Violet. There's more to Melly's personality which I would really like to know more about, other than that she's weak both mentally and physically apparently. But you did do a better drop portraying her as a character; it just needs to be a tad more realistic. As for the whole Violet leaving scene, I wanted to see more. Just anything, more word space, something so that readers know that this scene is important to both of the characters' developments. Try adding in details, those always tend to help out. Describe more instead of saying, "I was sad to see her fly away." It really left me wanting more out of it. It has a lot of potential, you just have to bring it out. So taking a bit of time to read it over will solve that problem.

Also, the same applies to catching Fluffy and her evolving. I don't mind that she evolved so quickly, mainly because I just flat out don't care... It's never bothered me, though evolution tends to be a big event in the world of Pokemon, like a Bar Mitzvah for Jewish teens. It should be well built up and described since it's important. And you should note that you really want to pace your story out. A lot has happened and Melly hasn't even battled Falkner, so there's a lot of interesting things happening, but I think it would help if you kept your pace down a bit and explicated a few things more.

Also, I don't know why you didn't just combine all your chapters into a single chapter. There are about five relatively short chapters that could be combined into one very enjoyable chapter. That's really personal, but I feel more interested if there's more to read. It also helps with pacing and all, so that will definitely benefit you in the long run. And it should help you in the long run, if you choose to continue writing. Getting used to writing longer and longer chapters is just a good quality to have.

And I'm wondering why you'd want to stop writing. I mean, if it's just a personal thing and you realized that you don't want to write, by all means, go ahead. I don't want to stop you from doing what you want. It's your choice really. But if your reasoning is that you're not getting comments like, "Wow this is the best thing I ever read, can you write more?" or "It was good.", then why would you stop? Personally, I find negatively oriented feedback more useful than positive ones. Positive feedback tells you what you're good at, why they liked it, and that's it. It doesn't tell you something you should be working on, even if it's a glaring problem. Seriously, think about it. If we always lied to people telling them everything they did was perfect, where would we be right now? Going nowhere. As a writer, you have to learn to embrace all kinds of feedback and realize that people are just trying to help you. They want to pass on what they learned and they want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes they did, or what other writers do. Understand that then you can decide whether you want to stop or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
What can I say? I am a girl, and I have no upper body strength.
On a lighter note, I loved this part. It was hilarious, even though it was extremely sexist and probably offends the Olympic women who compete in weight lifting or something. Either way, I had a good laugh. I don't think most people will embrace it like I have. Then again, those jokes are funny. Let's end women suffrage!

I hope you read every little word in my review. No, really, I care. I care a lot. I hate to see writers drop out at the first sign of trouble, and I know that you can make this story fantastic. The only thing you need is the desire to. If you have the right mindset and the work ethic, I know you can. I'll keep my eye on this to see how you fare.
  #9    
Old March 21st, 2012, 07:19 PM
Moonmover's Avatar
Moonmover
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Male
Psyanic has given you some very good advice.

I like this story so far. It's just a nice simple sort of snapshot of the life of a Pokémon trainer. The Pokémon themselves have strong personalities, which is something I really appreciate. Some writers just treat the Pokémon as weapons for their heroes to use.

I have one complaint. This story is not giving me any sense of pacing. How long did it take for Fluffy to evolve, for instance? Hours? Days? Weeks? How far is the cave from the Pokémon Center? Think about stuff like that.
  #10    
Old March 26th, 2012, 10:33 AM
blaszinski
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Gender: Female
I looked up to see Beast standing over my fallen body. Flames embodied the entire room as he spit plumes of fiery lava from his mouth. The dark figure that had knocked me to the ground was now lit up from the bright light of the fire. The boy had bright red hair and many freckles spread across his pale face. He looked about my age and had a Pidgey perched on his shoulder. Expecting some sort of apology or at least a hand up from the kid, I just lay there staring at him.

The boy did nothing but stare at me with a smirk on his face as Beast lunged at him. Caught off guard, the boy was tossed to the ground just as I was only moments before. His Pidgey was caught by one of Beast’s claws and went flying into a corner. Knowing that it was my responsibility to keep Beast from hurting anyone, I jumped to my feat and ran over to where the boy was cowering in the corner and Beast spitting a dark cloud of smoke in his face.

“Beast, calm down! I’m alright. Look, dude, I’m really sorry Beast did that to you.” I said, coughing through the smoke that was now hanging in the air from the wall of fire that Beast had conjured. Beast stepped back, but was far from calm. I could tell that he was furious at this kid for hurting me, and I can’t say I wasn’t miffed myself. Even though the boy hurt me, I am a nice person, so I decided to help the poor kid out. I held out my hand to offer my assistance and he looked up at me with a terrified look on his face.

“You need to control your Pokémon better! They aren’t supposed to just come bursting out of their pokéballs like that!” He shouted at me, refusing to take my hand.

Thinking about it, Beast had never come out of his ball before. I sure didn’t let him out; I was falling to the ground at the time. I thought back to the moment that I hit the ground, and I vaguely remembered the pain in my leg and the crunch I felt on my hip when the impact happened. I looked down at my belt that held my pokéballs to find Beast’s ball shattered, only a few pieces still clinging to my belt.

“That thing probably broke my arm!” The kid yelled, shoving his arm in the air (which looked perfectly fine to me). Taken aback at his rudeness, I decide to defend myself.

“You’re the one that knocked me over and shattered my pokéballs! And you haven’t even apologized for it! At least I apologized for what Beast did. You’re just sitting there being rude.” I said as Beast started flexing again, getting angrier as my tone of voice got more aggressive.

The boy stood up, dusted himself off, and went to the far corner of the room to fetch his fallen Pidgey. He called the bird back into its pokéball and started towards the ladder before turning back to me.

“I’m sure you’re here for Falkner. He’s through that door there.” He said quickly before I saw his frizzy red hair disappear down the ladder. I turned to where he had pointed to see a door that I had not seen in the dark room during all of the commotion. I looked down at Beast who seemed to have calmed down quite a bit now that the redheaded kid was gone. Beast looked at me with caring eyes, asking if I was hurt in any way.

“My leg hurts some from where your pokéball shattered, but other than that I’m alright. You OK?” I asked my partner. In return I got a happy snort and a small puff of smoke from his nostrils. We both turned towards the door and turned the knob.

The door led us to quite a large balcony that overlooked all of Violet City. The balcony wrapped all the way around the top floor of the tower and from this height I had a clear view of the Pokémon Center, the Pokémart, and even the Pokémon gym. I stood there for a few minutes, basking in the beauty of the city that lay before me. I was caught up in the pretty flowers and trees, the well-landscaped houses and yards, and the way the roads twisted and turned through the city when I felt a burning sensation on my right ankle. I quickly lifted my leg up with a yelp and looked down to see Beast blowing a small flame on my leg.

“Alright, alright. I’m coming. Why do you have to be so impatient?” I said as I reluctantly turned away from the beautiful scenery. Beast and I began to make our way around the balcony until I heard a loud shout.

“Pidgeotto, use gust!”
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