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  #1    
Old April 5th, 2012 (08:18 PM). Edited April 7th, 2012 by Faolan.
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Hello, here is my first attempt at Pokemon Fanfic writing. All Criticism is welcomed.
----------------------
Ch.1
"Are you sure its hatching, Laya?" Tamaska asked, watching the cracking egg worriedly.

"Of course it is." Laya answered, watching the yellow nose pop out of the egg.

"Cyn!" A small voice came from the small Cyndaquill, now out of the egg. The parents both gasped as they watched the newborn crawl towards them.

Laya pcked the Cyndaquill up and said "Its a boy! What should we name him?" she asked, looking over at Tamaska.

The Typhlosion thought for a moment, and said "Rebel?" Laya nodded and smiled.

"Thats a great name." She said, cradling the newborn. A few hours later, Rebel fell asleep. Their food supply was low, so Tamaska went off to hunt.

"Theres got to be more out here then just a Dunsprace..." He said, sniffing the air. A Tyranitar was trudging around angrily. He caught scent of Tamaksa and started in his direction, ready to release his anger. A little while later, The beast was upon Tamaska. Tamaska looked up at the beast, eyes narrowed and chest puffed out.

"What are you doing on my territory?" Tyranitar asked, staring down at him angrily.

"Your territory? This is mine!" Tamaska barked, a twinge of fear in his voice.

"Oh Really? How about we fight for it then?" Tyranitar challenged.

"Fine with me." Tamaska said. The two circled, then Tamaska jumped him. Tyranitar dodged, then grabbed him. He held a claw to Tamaksa's throat. Tamaska snarled and used Eruption. The move did little to Tyranitar.

"As if that would hurt me!" Tyranitar laughed and pressed the claw closer.

"Give in?" He asked.

"Never!" Tamaska barked.

"Fine." Tyranitar said, then slit his throat and dropped him.

Tamaska choked a little, blood pouring out of his throat. The Tyranitar watched him choke for a moment, then walked off. Tamaska finnaly bled to death, cursing the Tyrnaitar.

"Stupid rodent." Tyranitar laughed, walking away.  

A few hours passed, and Laya was becoming anxious.

"I hope Tamaska is ok..." Laya thought worriedly. Soon the scent of Typhlosion blood drifted into the den.

"Tamaska!!" She barked, standing and dashed out of the den. Rebel was fast asleep, still in the den. Laya arrived at the scene, and fell to her knees.

"N-no..." She whimpered, tears streaming down her face. She then stood, enraged. She sniffed the air, and caught scent of Tyranitar.

"I'm going to find you and kill you!!!" She howled, dashing towards the scource of the scent. Tyranitar barely heard the howl and snorted.

"Bring it." The Tyranitar snorted. In a few moments, Laya was upon him, charging Double Kick. Tyranitar turned around, and his eyes widened.

"What the-" She kicked him in the face, then the Chest. He stumbled backwards and on to his back. Tyranitar roared and fired Hyper Beam at her as he stood, throwing her back and impaling her on a thick branch. She whimpered and coughed, then used Extrasensory to choke him. Tyranitar held his throat, slowly suffocating. He fell to his knees, and passed out.She kept suffocating him, until he finally died. She sighed in relief, and half smiled.

"G-good l-luck, Reb-bel..." She whispered, before finnaly releasing her grip on life. Later, An Umbreon and an Espeon were walking along the river, then suddenly caught scent of blood.

"Rin, do you smell that...?" The Umbreon asked. The Espeon nodded.

"Twist, it's Typhlosion blood...." Rin said sadly.

"Let's go," Twist said, dashing with Rin following. They found Tamaska's body.

"Hes dead." Rin said.

"Tamaska..." Twist growled. "Who could have done this?" He said, walking forward. Soon, they were upon Tyranitar and Layas' bodies. Rin shook her head.

"They had a baby, didn't they?" she asked.

"Yep. We should go check." Rebel was still asleep, dreaming of playing with other Pokemon. The Eeveelution Duo arrived at the den and gasped.

"They did." Twist said.

"We have to take care of him." Rin said, picking Rebel up by the scruff.
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  #2    
Old April 5th, 2012 (08:41 PM).
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Your formatting is tough to read. Instead of writing them in one single paragraph split them up.
Quote:
"Are you sure its hatching, Laya?" Tamaska asked, watching the cracking egg worriedly.
"Of course it is is." Laya answered, watching the yellow nose pop out of the egg.
Do the same for the entire story.
As for the story it's quite interesting.I wonder what will happen to the cyndaquil next!
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  #3    
Old April 5th, 2012 (08:59 PM). Edited April 6th, 2012 by Faolan.
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Thanks, fixed. Ch.2 will come soon.
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  #4    
Old April 5th, 2012 (11:49 PM).
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On top of that, I would suggest splitting it up even further - have a line of spacing between each new paragraph or each time someone different begin to speak. That was it's easier for people to read. Along with that, I'd also recommend using the default font and text colour and size. Some forum skins won't look good with specific colours (e.g. darker or green/blue skins). After all it's all about presentation (which is all the more important when the story is being read on a computer screen) - if your story is hard to read for someone they'll be less inclined to read when there are others that don't hurt their eyes.

With the story, it's not a bad start imo. I'm curious to see how the baby Cyndaquil grows up without its real parents but via adoption instead.

There is something I'd like to bring up about dialogue:
Quote:
"Its a boy! What should we name him?" She asked, looking over at Tamaska.
As the part after the dialogue tells us who said it/how it was said and flows on from the dialogue, you should treat the two parts as one sentence rather than two (after all 'She asked, looking over at Tamaska' also doesn't really sound right if it was its own sentence). Hence rather than 'She asked', it should be 'she asked' - remove the capital, for having a capital in the middle of a sentence Is odd (like so). [Side note: you also want "It's" (It is) rather than "Its" (possessive, eg it was its ball) at the beginning there).

Taking another example:
Quote:
"Let's go." Twist said, dashing and Rin following.
The same applies here - 'Twist said, dashing and Rin following' doesn't work as its own sentence so you should treat it as one with the dialogue, and hence write it as:
Quote:
Let's go," Twist said, dashing with Rin following.
Note here what changed was the full stop into a comma. You can use other things like ! or ? to finish the dialogue if the sentence continues after it, but only use a full stop if the sentence ends with the dialogue ending (e.g "Let's go." Twist then dashed ahead.)

Make sure to spend a bit of time proofreading the story as well as there were some mistakes here and there (besides the Its/It's confusion there's other stuff such as 'Of course it is is' in the second line, other missing apostrophes (There's rather than Theres), and so forth. Cleaning up those errors improves the story as mistakes can distract the reader.

Hope that helps, and good luck with your story!
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Old April 6th, 2012 (07:24 PM).
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All fixed, I think. Thanks for the reviews, they are greatly appreciated.
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  #6    
Old April 7th, 2012 (02:08 PM). Edited April 14th, 2012 by Phantom.
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It's good work for a first piece, but there still seems to be some confusion.

For example:

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Are you sure it's hatching, Laya?" Tamaska asked, watching the cracking egg worriedly.
Correction bolded. You use 'it's' in place of 'it is' in this instance. The apostrophe replaces the missing letters.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Of course it is," Laya answered, watching the yellow nose pop out of the egg.
There should be a comma after the word 'is'.


Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Cyn!" A small voice came from the small Cyndaquill, now out of the egg. The parents both gasped as they watched the newborn crawl towards them.
This just sounds weird. Would you consider rephrasing?

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
Laya pcked the Cyndaquill up and said "Its a boy! What should we name him?" she asked, looking over at Tamaska.
You don't really need both 'said' and 'asked' in this instance; one or the other. Also, saying the 'said' before the actual words just looks and sounds strange. You do that multiple times.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Thats a great name," She said, cradling the newborn. A few hours later, Rebel fell asleep. Their food supply was low, so Tamaska went off to hunt.
Comma error again.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Theres got to be more out here then just a Dunsprace..." he said, sniffing the air. A Tyranitar was trudging around angrily. He caught scent of Tamaksa and started in his direction, ready to release his anger. A little while later, the beast was upon Tamaska. Tamaska looked up at the beast, eyes narrowed and chest puffed out.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Fine with me," Tamaska said. The two circled, then Tamaska jumped him. Tyranitar dodged, then grabbed him. He held a claw to Tamaksa's throat. Tamaska snarled and used Eruption. The move did little to Tyranitar.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Fine," Tyranitar said, then slit his throat and dropped him.
Quote originally posted by Faolan:
Tamaska choked a little, blood pouring out of his throat. The Tyranitar watched him choke for a moment, then walked off. Tamaska finally bled to death, cursing the Tyrnaitar.
How can he curse when he is dead?

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Stupid rodent," Tyranitar laughed, walking away.
Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"Tamaska!!" she barked, standing and dashed out of the den. Rebel was fast asleep, still in the den. Laya arrived at the scene, and fell to her knees.
Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"N-no..." she whimpered, tears streaming down her face. She then stood, enraged. She sniffed the air, and caught scent of Tyranitar.
I think you need to research how to use dialogue at this point. This might help.

Quote originally posted by Faolan:
"What the-" she kicked him in the face, then the chest. He stumbled backwards and on to his back. Tyranitar roared and fired Hyper Beam at her as he stood, throwing her back and impailing her on a thick branch. She whimpered and coughed, then used Extrasensory to choke him. Tyranitar held his throat, slowly suffocating. He fell to his knees, and passed out. She kept suffocating him, until he finally died. She sighed in relief, and half smiled.
The word 'suffocating' doesn't work like that; at least I don't think it does.
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  #7    
Old April 10th, 2012 (12:58 PM).
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Thanks for the review, but writing is just a hobby for me. Goodbye!
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  #8    
Old April 10th, 2012 (05:49 PM).
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Quote:
Thanks for the review, but writing is just a hobby for me. Goodbye!
But ideally you want to do a hobby well, no? It's sort of like saying 'I like playing football as a hobby but I don't care if I can't kick a ball five metres' - removing simple spelling and grammar mistakes are just part and parcel of writing and telling a story. Leave them in and you distract from the story itself.
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Old April 12th, 2012 (08:11 PM).
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Exactly, and there's no need to be rude about it. Besides you said in the post you welcome all criticism anyways.
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