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  #1    
Old April 6th, 2012, 04:29 PM
Maroyasha's Avatar
Maroyasha
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Gender: Male
Hey guys. Sup? I've gotten through 21 three page stories with this so I'm putting them up now since I'm way ahead. Here's chapter 1!

Story 1-The New Beginning
Chapter 1
Intro-
“We see our 12 year old hero Aaron getting ready to head to Unova. There are all new Pokemon that our hero does not know about. Here a new beginning arises.”



“Mom I’m leaving now!!” Aaron screamed from downstairs. “Coming Aaron!” screamed mom. “ Give me a hug Aaron.” Mom gave Aaron a big squeeze. “M- Mo- MOM!! I need to go.” Mom let go of Aaron and he ran out the door. The airport was just a few blocks away. Aaron was walking there. He was so excited to be heading to Unova. A few moments later he was at the airport. “Flight number 9, Flight number 9.” Aaron mumbled to himself. UUMMFF. Aaron fell backwards. He gathered his stuff and looked up. “ Sorry Sorry Sorry!! That was my fault.” Oh it’s alright Aaron.” Aaron was puzzled and he looked at the person’s face again. He gasped. It was Professor Juniper. Aaron jumped to his feet. “ Professor Juniper!! What are you doing here?” Asked Aaron. “I came to get you of course. Your mom called me to come and bring you to Unova. The least I could do for her. She was one of my best assistants.” Professor Juniper winked at Aaron. “ So lets get on the plane. Shall we.” Professor Juniper gestured toward the walkway. Aaron walked onto the plane with Professor Juniper. They sat in their seats. Right when Aaron sat down he dozed off.




“Go Tepig I choose You!” Aaron mumbled in his sleep. “ No Tepig I wanted you to use ember not tackle. Tepig come back. Go Oshawott!” he kept mumbling. Professor Juniper smiled. She also chuckled slightly. “ Oshawott dodge. Wait no look out. No Oshawott, Oshawott come back. Go Snivy!” Aaron kept mumbling. “Snivy use tackle.” Professor Juniper was about to wake Aaron up but she wanted to hear the ending to the dream. “Yes Snivy direct hit! Now use Leaf Tornado! Go Snivy.” The dream was about to end and so was the plane ride. “Yes Snivy you won. Snivy I definitely choose you as my partner.”

“Aaron. Aaron. Wake up.” Professor juniper shook Aaron awake. “ But mom I don’t want to go to trainer school today.” Aaron mumbled. Aaron jumped awake.
“ We’re in Unova. YAY!!” Aaron ran out of the plane and into the airport. He kept running until he reached the exit. “ Here! We! Go!” Aaron screamed. He pushed open the doors and he gazed upon the beauty of Unova. A pack of wild Deerling ran by a few meters away. “ WWHHOO!! They are so cool!” exclaimed Aaron. “ Hey. Get back here Lillipup.” There was a little kid screaming and running after a pokemon of some sort. “Hey Lilli! Stop! Get back here.” The little kid tripped over a rock. “ OOWW! My knee, I scraped it.” Aaron ran over to the kid.

“Hey! Are you alright!” Aaron asked. “ Ya I’m fine. But my Lillipup is getting away.” Said the little boy. “ Don’t worry. I’ll get Lillipup back for you- I don’t know your name.” said Aaron. “ Jerry, Lil Jerry.” Said the little kid. “ Okay. Now Lil Jerry I will get your Lillipup back for you.” Said Aaron. “ Go Grovyle! Use Quick Attack to chase down Lillipup.” Yelled Aaron. Grovyle ran off after Lillipup.





so that's chapter 1 of story 1. give me feedback. Or (In fat bastard voice) I'll Eat Your Baby!

  #2    
Old April 6th, 2012, 08:18 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Welcome not only to PC, but also to FF&W! I'm glad that you decided to post your story here, and that you want feedback. As a welcoming to you, I'll review your story and offer some advice.

First, for your title, you shouldn't admit that you inserted yourself into the story. You can base a character on you, but you shouldn't draw attention to it. That's rather frowned upon in this fandom, and you'll find that people will be turned off from your admittance of self-insertion right at the title.

As for your story itself, I'm going to admit that this was very very rushed. I had so many questions when I finished reading this, and that's not a good thing when your readers are confused by a lack of information. (Unless you have a need to keep information hidden.)

- Why is Aaron traveling to Unova on a plane to be a new trainer? It's fine if you want him to travel through Unova, but why not have him live in that region in the first place? There's no reason for him to live in a different region and then travel to another as a starting trainer. (Especially since his mother is one of Juniper's assistants. Why don't they live in the same town as Juniper then?)

-
Quote:
“ Go Grovyle! Use Quick Attack to chase down Lillipup.” Yelled Aaron. Grovyle ran off after Lillipup.
Where did Aaron get a Grovyle? Don't you mean Snivy? And even then, he hasn't gotten his Pokemon yet.

It's things like this that pull a reader out of the story. When you're ready to post what you've written, read it over to catch things like this. While you might know the reasons for what happens, it's best not to leave readers completely in the dark.

Your grammar also could use some checking over.

-You start a new paragraph when someone speaks:
Quote:
“Mom I’m leaving now!!” Aaron screamed from downstairs.

“Coming Aaron!” screamed Mom. “ Give me a hug, Aaron.” Mom gave Aaron a big squeeze.

“M- Mo- MOM!! I need to go.”
The words and punctuation in bold are corrections. When used in place of her name, "Mom" is capitalized. A comma is needed before "Aaron" in that sentence because he's being addressed.

Quote:
“ Don’t worry. I’ll get Lillipup back for you- I don’t know your name,” said Aaron.
A comma is needed here because "said Aaron" is a dialogue tag. You're explaining in narration how the dialogue was spoken, so it's part of the same sentence.

Quote:
“ Go Grovyle! Use Quick Attack to chase down Lillipup!" yelled Aaron.
Just like here, "yelled" needs to be in lower-case because it's a dialogue tag. (I also added an exclamation mark instead of a comma because Aaron is yelling.)

It's little things like this, and any typos (like when you missed capitalizing "Juniper"), that you should watch out for before posting your story. If you'd like help with this, you can post in the Beta Thread to see if anyone would be willing to look over your chapters.

Good luck! I look forward to seeing more of your story!
  #3    
Old April 7th, 2012, 05:29 AM
Maroyasha's Avatar
Maroyasha
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Gender: Male
I actually did this before any other regions. So that's why Grovyle and Pidgey are in their randomly. I'm working on Kanto right now. so yah
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