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  #1    
Old April 13th, 2012, 05:55 AM
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Please an admin delete this as I can't.

Last edited by Hilbert; September 12th, 2014 at 11:50 AM.
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  #2    
Old April 14th, 2012, 08:09 AM
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Please an admin delete this as I can't.

Last edited by Hilbert; September 12th, 2014 at 11:50 AM.
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  #3    
Old April 14th, 2012, 07:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hilbert View Post
Chapter 1:Two Fateful Meetings

Britan got out of his house and watched the small city. Only two houses and a big building. Hewalked around and he saw a sing.
You forgot a space between the words there. One or two aren't normally a problem but as you read the story you notice them a lot.

My suggestion is write the stories on MSWord before posting it here. MSWord takes care of small spelling mistakes and space errors which we normally tend to neglect.

Quote:
"A town that can't be shaded any hue."

He thought that this was strange. He looked into the sky. A shadow passedreally quick but he couldn't see what it was.

He wondered when would he begin his adventure.

He arrivedoutside the other house and wondered who lives in. He knocked the door and a woman opened.

" Hey,you must be the new neighbor."

" YesI am. I just wanted to..."

"Don't be shy,come in."

Britan entered a house which seemed exactly like his own but turned from right to left and dressed in pink instead of blue.

" So, what is your name?"

"Um..., Britan. I am Britan."

"Interesting... Wait some minutes , I must finish the cooking. Go up, my daughter should be there."

He went up the stairs, but there was just a room. No one was inside. Britan watched the small room which seemed like his own, but from left to right again. There was a pokeball on the floor. Britan streatched his hand to take it but he felt a hand at his back.

He turned and saw a girl, with brown hair near he shoulders, dressed in orange and green.

" Hey you must be the new neigbor..."

Britan stared at her. She was around his age if not exact the same.

" So, what's your name?"

" I am Britan from Johto."

"I am May. I am pleased to meet you."

She gave him her hand and he in repsond gave his too and they shaked them.

" I am sorry but I can't stay long... Come to chat a little."-May

She sat down at the bed and touched softly the place near her offering to Britan to sit along.
Britan sat alongand she asked... "So, how old are you?"

"Ten..."
" Really?! Me too."
" I have birthday on 26 October "
" Well I have birthday on 26 April..."
" Well, you are older. So, expect us how many people live in this city?"
"Well with you and your family... How big is your family?"
" Just me and my mother. My father lives elsewhere."
" Then we are 8. Five sleep at the lab of my father..."
" Lab?"
" Yes. My father is a professor. Heknows almost everything about Pokemon."
" Wow, intresting. So you must know a lot of about Pokemon too."
" Not so much as him, but yes. Today I am starting my journey."
" That's awesome! I wish I could too."
" Don't you have Pokemon?"
Britan looked away in sorrow. His face darkened.
" I had, one. Not caught but it was a friend of mine."
" Oh, sorry. You do not need to tell me. I didn't want to make you feel sad."
May looked at her clock. The time had came.
The irregular spacing. I notice that the spacing between the paragraphs at the beginning and those during conversations are different. I think you should maintain the same space between the paras for the entire story.

Quote:
" It's okay. It's not your fault."
She got up and took her bag along the pokeball.

" So the time has come?"
"Yes. I really enjoyed our time Britan, althought it was sort. If you want to begin your journey, find my dad. He will help you. Farwell... My friend."

She left leaving him behind. The steps at the stairs and then the door closing were the last sound of her. Britan followed her way and after saying goodbye to May's mother he went towards the lab.

He entered and saw some scientists.
" What do you desire young boy?" One of them asked.
" Where is the professor?"
" Oi, he went northern to farewell his daughter."

Britan left the lab and went north. There was Route 101. Full of grass and that meant wild pokemon. He suddenly heard a scream.

He walked and saw a man being chased by a pokemon.
" Help me!" The man screamed.
" Take one of the pokeballs there!" He shout again and climbed to a tree.

Britan looked at the spot where the man had shown him. There was a bag. He found three pokeballs inside and three sketches. Each sketch had a pokemon. 'Treecko. Torchic. Mudkip.'

Britan chose Torchic because he liked it best.
" Go Torchic!"
A small orange Pokemon came out. Zigzagoon turned and growled at it.
"What moves to use?"
" Use scratch!" The man shouted.
"Torchic, use scratch." Torchic atatckes Zigzagoon and scratched it.

Zigzagoon jumped away and used growl.
" Torchic, another time. Scratch!"
Torchic hit Zigzaggon which was nowalmost defeated. It attacked Torchic and hit it.
" Don't give up. Let's finish it. Scratch!"

Torchic scratched for one last time Zigzaggon which fainted.
" Yes I won..." Britan was amazed. Such a feeling. Pokemon battles were fan as always. Like in the old days.

" Well done!" Said the man aproaching him. He took the pokeball and got Torchic back in.
"What's your name?"
"I am... Britan sir."

"Well, Britan. I see you are a natural talent. Nice to meet you. I am Professor Birch."
They shaked hands.
" I was looking for you professor. May said you can help me start my adventure."
" Uh, my daughter and you are friends, I see. Well follow me."

He followed the professor which went inside the lab. He went down to a machine where he put the pokeballs.
" So, you want to start your adventure?"
"Of course... I want to catch my own pokemon."

"It's okay. But do your parents know? Where do you live?"
" Here. We are the new neighbors. I live with my mom."
" Alright. Go and ask her. But take this with you."
He gave him one of the pokeballs. He took it but looked at the professor confused.

" It's Torchic. You can take it now. It's yours..."
" Really?"
He nodded and Britan jumped happily around.
He looked at it.
"My first pokemon!"
Honestly except for the part where Britain(Brandon :x) and May talk the entire story was basically the same as what happens in the game. People won't read your story if you blindly follow the game's story line(including the dialogue in few cases). Just add a twist of your own.


My Trip to the End of Time, by Pearl Gideon

Awesome fic by Cutlerine. It is based of the D/P games but you notice that the author used the games as a base to create a world of his own.

It is not an OT fic, but I say you can use it as a reference.
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  #4    
Old April 14th, 2012, 07:09 PM
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Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it
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As well as what he mentioned above, the format and lack of story besides the game, there are A LOT of grammatical errors and typos in this that make it very hard to read/follow; ie 'track' instead of 'truck', 'sing' instead of 'sign'.

I can help you out if you're willing to PM me.
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  #5    
Old April 14th, 2012, 10:36 PM
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Don't worry twists are already happening. And more are to follow.. I will fix what I can...
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  #6    
Old April 14th, 2012, 10:43 PM
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Hilbert
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
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CPlease an admin delete this as I can't.

Last edited by Hilbert; September 12th, 2014 at 11:50 AM.
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