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  #1    
Old April 21st, 2012, 08:40 PM
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Juarez City, Mexico
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
So yeah, I just finished my copy of Pokemon + Nobunaga's Ambition, and I must
say, for a Spin-Off/Crossover Game, it was awesome!
But, there is one thing, the main narrative is SHORT, and Dungeons do not appear until you have taken over Dragon Nation.
So, I'll start this Fic, which will take place 2 years after the events shown in Pokemon + Nobunaga's Ambition, and I'll try to include Dungeons, and I mean real dungeons, like Forests and stuff...
But this is only my second attempt at writing something, so please don't be harsh on me, I'm just trying to entertain you.

Table Of Contents
Characters (Descriptions coming soon)

Josefu (new main character)
Yurika (new main character)
Yurika's Father (new supporting character)
Yurika's Mother (new supporting character)
Oichi
Nobunaga
Mitsuhide
Kanbei
Karianne (new warlord)

Nations & Dungeons(Descriptions coming soon)

Aurora Forest (new!)
Aurora Nation (Hajime Nation)
Swarma Road (new!)
Swarm Nation (new!)
Frost Forest (new!)
Blizzard Nation
Dragon Nation
Dragon Mountain (new!)
Tremolar Nation (new!)

Chapters

-From Devils To Eevees Serves as a prologue and as an introduction to the 2 main Characters: Josefu and Yurika, takes place 2 years after the events in Pokemon + Nobunaga's Ambition

-You See It You Take It Focuses on Josefu and how he takes over Aurora Nation (Hajime Nation in Japanesse) in a relatively simple way, takes place 6 years after the events in Pokemon + Nobunaga's Ambition

-Freeze Yurika runs away from Dragon Nation, and eventually finds a Nation with no Warlord in charge of it, takes place 6 years after the events in Pokemon + Nobunaga's Ambition, in parallel with the previous chapter
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From Devils To Eevees


It's been a while since the black dragon was last seen in the Dragon Nation, civilians all around Ransei say that Nobunaga left from Ransei in the moment he was defeated by that pair of youngsters who led a huge army, and now, both Pokemon and their Warriors coexist in perfect harmony.

Deep in the Aurora Forest, behind the light that was filtering through the dense trees, there he was, alone, scared, without any protection, exposed to being hurt by the untamed Pokemon, his name was Josefu, his mother just died of an unknown dicease, and his father disappeared a couple of days before he was born.

Was he going to die there? He didn't cared, nothing mattered for Josefu anymore, he just wanted to die, and so to be with his mother.
Suddenly, the bushes around stirred, was it an angry Pokemon ready to murder him? Hopefully it'll do its job fast.
As they stopped stirring, instead of a ferocious Pokemon looking for blood, an Eevee came out, with a kind expression on its face, Josefu quickly learned that Eevee was a female.
"Are you here to eat me?" said Josefu.
Eevee smiled, and cuddled up next to Josefu.
"I'll call you Juriettu" said Josefu, while a smile was forming on his face.

Meanwhile, In Dragon Mountain, there she was, risking her life again, Yurika was a little girl who, despite her youth, didn't care about anything that wasn't exiting, so she constantly sneaked from her home to this mountain, where she is friends with lots of Pokemon, but, for some reason, there isn't any Pokemon on the mountain.
"This is boring, for a change" said Yurika in a sarcastic tone.
She started descending from where she was, when suddenly an Onix appeared in front of her from a hole, making her fall into this one, she eventually passed out once inside, as she was claustrophobic, but had no idea about it.
When she woke up, an Eevee was standing in front of her, with a worried face.
"Get away from me!" yelled Yurika, she then started to cry.
Then that Eevee hugged her, and started digging their way out, once outside, Yurika stood up and stared at that Eevee.
"Thanks, you saved me" she said, "You can now leave"
But Eevee didn't, it still seemed worried about Yurika.
"Fine so, be it, but keep this in mind, you'll be called Konsuera" said Yurika, Konsuera stands for Consuela.
Konsuera smiled, and they went back to Dragon Nation where Yurika lived, their parents were rich, so they wouldn't mind about having a Pokemon at their home.

Years passed, Josefu and Juriettu learned to live in the forest with all those Pokemon, while Yurika studied at home and pampered Konsuera constantly.
Little do they do what destiny has planned for them.

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That's it, did you liked it?
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Last edited by Vato; April 25th, 2012 at 02:18 PM.
  #2    
Old April 23rd, 2012, 05:57 PM
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Juarez City, Mexico
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
:L Mmm, well, I guess this is Chapter II, enjoy
Please review it, and tell me what I need to improve :L

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You See It, You Take It

Josefu was only 8 when he first met Juriettu, he was this short, chubby boy with clear brown hair and faint white skin, by now he's 14, tall and thin, with deep black hair instead of clear brown, and with a not so pale white skin, his face is filled with scars, as he was constantly attacked by wild Pokemon until he learned to hunt, needless to say, it was easier to survive ever since.

"Juriettu" whispered Joseffu, "Why don't we just go out for a change?"
Juriettu hesitated for a while, and then smiled.
"Let's go then"

That was the first time in 6 years Josefu ever left the Aurora Forest, outside, there it was, the Hajime Nation, once gorgeos, pure white and sparkly, but now dusty, gray and forgotten. When Josefu was a kid, he always dreamt of becoming a Warlord, he remembered this when he saw the Nation.
"Let's take this Nation!" said Joseffu, in a cheerful tone.
Juriettu stared at Josefu's face for a while, and then smiled.
The idea was simple, if Josefu took over Hajime Nation, then he would become a Warlord, so he jumped the paved sidewalk and forced opened the doors to the Nation, in just a couple of hours, Hajime Nation was back to its former glory.

And then she appeared, Oichi, the third strongest Warlord in the entire Ransei Region, she was mad and somehow also scared at Josefu.
"What are you doing?!" she yelled, with a scaredy tone, "I knew it, I knew that if he left Hajime Nation, this will happen", she remained in silence for a second, and then kept talking, "It doesn't matter, for I will take it back, Go! Wigglytuff!"

In just a second, Wigglytuff was Doubleslaping Juriettu, but before Josefu could react, an Ice Beam hit Wigglytuff, making her faint.
Then a man with purple coating appeared.
"It is so very nice to see you again, sister" he said, "You still look the same"
"What are you doing here?!" she yelled, not scared, but angry, "I thought you weren't in Ransei anymore!"
"I just came to say hi" he replied.
"Hi, now get out" she said.
"You get out, Aurora Nation isn't yours anymore, and you failed to get it back"
"Fine, so be it, brother! But I'll surely get Hajime Nation back once you leave!", Oichi then left.
"She'll probably tell the other Warlords about this" said Nobunaga, "You've got some good trouble"
"Who are you?" said Josefu.
"Nobunaga's the name and Dragons are my game" he replied, "I was once the all mighty ruler in Ransei, but that's not important, the important stuff right now is, why did you took over this Nation?"
"I..." said Josefu, "I guess I wanted to be a Warlord"
"Well, you surely are a Warlord" he replied, "But not the toughest I've got to say, you should train around and take over other Nations before they take yours, those people will do anything to get their Nations back...
As for your next move, I would suggest Swarm Nation"

Nobunaga was right, Josefu is now a Warlord, but not the strongest one, that's for sure. Nobunaga then left without even saying goodbye.
"Swarm Nation" said Josefu, "Let's get going".

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__________________
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FC [B2]: 0992 1015 0443
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Last edited by Vato; April 25th, 2012 at 02:06 PM.
  #3    
Old April 25th, 2012, 02:11 PM
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Juarez City, Mexico
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
This is Chapter III, is someone reding this?
If you are, let me now how I'm doing, please
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Freeze

When they met, she was eight.
Her name was Yurika, and that Eevee was later named Konsuera.
She used to be a short girl with short black hair and red colored cheeks.
Right now, she’s 14, tall and her hair had grown considerably long, her skin is now pale white.

It was dawn, Yurika had woke up early… again, she had this weird dream, his father was lying in the floor motionless, her mother crying and holding a knife, and she was just standing there, paralyzed by fear.
“It’s just a dream” she said, “It’s all gonna be alright”
She stood up and went out the house, Konsuera was following her around.
“Let’s go to the Mountains” she said, Konsuera smiled.
That’s what she likes so much about her Eevee, no matter how dangerous things may sound, Konsuera is always smiling.
They stopped, looking at the rays of the sunrise crossing along the sides of the mountains, it seemed that they were asleep, a splendid view to the human eye.
They kept walking around the plains, around them, several Dragonites and Druddigons were flying in a perfect manner, just like it was a carefully rehearsed routine.
But it then started to hail, it wasn’t a natural hail, it meaned someone had recently commanded their Pokemon to start a Hail and the effect of this haven’t ceased yet.
“Too bad I didn’t bough my sweater, ha ha” said Yurika in a sarcastic tone, “Let’s go back, Konsuera”
They walked back to the Dragon Nation, it wasn’t hailing here, but, the air seemed to irradiate death, literally, she knew it, someone had died.
She then ran back to her home, a simple hut of a very large space, with the characteristic color that wood usually has, and a few sliding doors, she entered this hut, only to find her father lying on the floor, bleeding, and her mother right next to him, standing up with a knife on her left hand.
“M-mom” said Yurika, while some tears were streaming down her face.
“I-I’m sorry” she said, letting a small giggle come out, “Take care my dear”
“N-no!” yelled Yurika, and then, it happened, her mother had died, she knew she had this mental decease, but she never thought she’ll ever get this far, that she’ll take her own life away.
Yurika ran away to the mountains, it was the only place she could cry alone, without being interrupted, not even by Konsuera, who was following her.
She ranned until she was almost fainting due to fatigue, and then, she realized she was lost, but, how? She had been in the mountains like a billion times, but she didn’t recognized were she was, it was a Forest, but the trees were frozen, and the air around her was cold.
“I forgot my sweater, again” she said, Konsuera smiled.
She decided to keep walking, maybe she could find something that way.
She haven’t even taken two steps when she heard a voice.
“Freeze!” said the voice.
She then turned around, a saw a guy with a huge, blue armor, a guy that had an Articuno behind him.
It was him, Mitsuhide, the leader of the Blizzard Nation, she was in trouble.
“How are thou and why are you in a zone that is not allowed to be trespassed?” said Mitsuhide with a kind of desperate voice.
“If no one is allowed to trespass… What are you doing here?” said Yurika.
“It’s none of your business, stranger” he said.
“Well, maybe I’m a stranger, but I happen to have a name!” she yelled.
“A name I’m not interested to know” he replied.
They both stared at each other, like if they were trying to intimidate each other, but that wasn’t going to happen, Yurika used to be bullied by the people of Dragon Nation, so she eventually learned to be unafraid of those who look scary, like Mitsuhide, she is afraid of him, but won’t show her fear.
“I’m Mitsuhide” he eventually said.
“I’m Yurika” she said, “Pleasure is all yours ”
“If there was any” he muttered.
“Are you always that sarcastic?” said Yurika.
“I don’t know, you tell me” he replied.
“That’s a nice Articuno” said Yurika.
“Thanks, it’s imported” he said.
“I don’t get it” she said.
”I wasn’t expecting you to do so” said Mitsuhide.
“Listen” said Mitsuhide, “I’ve gotta go, get out of here before a Warrior attacks you”
“I can take all your Warrior together!” she yelled.
“No you can’t” he replied, “After all, you only got an Eevee”
Mitsuhide then walked away before Yurika could reply to him. “Whatever” she said to herself, Konsuera hadn’t stop smiling, that relieved her, after all, that was what she liked about her Eevee.
“Let’s go” she said, Konsuera followed her.
Maybe if she haven’t argued with Mitsuhide, she would have exited the forest without being spotted, but when she turned around, there was this guy, his face, it seemed as if he was dead, pale white, his eyes were emptily staring at the ground, his armor was black with blue ormaments, his hair was short, black in one side, white in the other, he stared at Konsuera for a while, once he did this, Konsuera stopped smiling, that was surely an odd thing, after that, he stared at Yurika for a minute or two, she was scared, but she wouldn’t show her fear.
“You” he said in a very low voice, “Why…you…here?
”Pardon me, but, what?“ said Turika with a frightened tone.
”You… you… should be death, why? Why are you alive?” he said in a seemingly desperate tone.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” said Yurika.
“Of course you don’t… but your mother did” he said, and he then let go off a creepy laugh.
“What did you meant with that?!” she yelled, almost crying, “What did you did to her?!”
“It’s a secret” he said, like if it was a joke, “Soon you’ll get to know it” He laughed again while leaving walking backwards, so that he could keep staring at him, once he couldn’t be seen any longer, Yurika kneelt on the ground and started crying, Konsuera was there, smiling, but not as much as she used to a while ago, but that small smirk was enough to calm Yurika down.
“Let’s get out of here” She said, “Its cold as hell, not literally, though”

They exited the forest, the sun was hiding and those blue trees were starting to look black, if Yurika didn’t found a place to spend the night, she could maybe die, either by a dicease or just being devoured by a Pokemon.
Just when she was about to give up, when she was just gonna lie on the floor and die in the middle of the cold night, she saw a small wooden sign that read “Up ahead, Tremolar, the free, independent, freshly founded nation with no Warlords ruling and a way too long description on this wooden sign ”.
She ran to that Nation, if no one ruled, then they couldn’t deny her access to this one, she was right, she entered this Nation, and then a wooden rest house, it was empty, but very big, so she laid on one of the beds with Konsuera and fell asleep incredibly fast.



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__________________
Hoenn


FC [B2]: 0992 1015 0443
VM/PM me whenever you feel like trading/kicking my butt on a battle

Last edited by Vato; April 25th, 2012 at 02:20 PM.
  #4    
Old April 26th, 2012, 08:57 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
I only have time to review the first chapter right now. I'll preface this now by saying that I haven't played the game this is based on, and so I only have very limited knowledge.

Quote:
It's been a while since the black dragon was last seen in the Dragon Nation, civilians all around Ransei say that Nobunaga left from Ransei in the moment he was defeated by that pair of youngsters who led a huge army, and now, both Pokemon and their Warriors coexist in perfect harmony.

Deep in the Aurora Forest, behind the light that was filtering through the dense trees, there he was, alone, scared, without any protection, exposed to being hurt by the untamed Pokemon, his name was Josefu, his mother just died of an unknown dicease, and his father disappeared a couple of days before he was born.
One problem that I noticed is that your sentences are rather long. These are only two sentences when they could be many. Like in the second paragraph, "His name is Josefu" could be it's own sentence, and the next part about his parents could be a sentence. That way, it's not all just in one.

That seems to be your biggest problem here. The sentences are too long, too full of information without a break between to let the reader pause.

Aside from that, you have a few typos:

Quote:
He didn't cared
"care"

Quote:
didn't care about anything that wasn't exiting
"exciting"

And you're missing your punctuation before you closing quotation marks in your dialogue. You need commas before the last quotation mark set if you're using a dialogue tag. I'll show you an example.

Quote:
"This is boring, for a change," said Yurika in a sarcastic tone.
You can see the comma in bold that I added. You'll need punctuation like that for the rest of your dialogue.

There's also times where you use the present tense when you should use the past tense. Since you're mostly writing in the past tense, make sure all your tense occurrences agree.

Other than that, this seems like a good start. Personally, I would like to see more description in general, like of where the characters are and what they're feeling. Also, maybe include more backstory of the characters or world, to show how it changed compared to how it was in the games. Set up the world more.

I hope this helps! Feel free to ask any questions or clarification about anything. I hope to see more of your story. Good luck!
__________________

Last edited by Astinus; April 26th, 2012 at 09:07 PM.
  #5    
Old May 9th, 2012, 06:38 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Closing on author's request.
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