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Old April 28th, 2012 (05:11 AM). Edited April 29th, 2012 by Ashygirl.
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Ashygirl Ashygirl is offline
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*Fanfic on hold until I can get a Beta Reader.*


My first PMD fanfic. Now I'm no Charles Dickens or anything so if I missed any mistakes obvious or otherwise (Hopefully not the former but grammer has always been a weak point of mine. :p) just let me know, it's the only way I'll learn. Hopefully though I can turn this into something good there's an older version of it on my FF.net account but I'm gonna change things up a smidge.

Rated PG-13 for violence and maybe very mild swearing if I'm brave enough.(but don't hold your breath)

It was a beautiful morning in Treasure Town, many Pokémon were already up getting ready to go exploring or getting their stalls ready in the case of the Kecleon brothers and the others, right at the end of the right hand side of town there was a cliff shaped like a Sharpedo named Sharpedo Bluff, in the hollow centre a Pikachu was just waking up and had a huge stretch. She got to her feet and walked towards the opening in the cliff, then gazed outside.

Chloe watched the large blue sea, letting the ocean breeze caress her yellow fur, she looked like any other normal Pikachu but in fact she used to be human, a human from the future, her ears and tail were a little longer than most pikachu's, Chloe also had a some blonde bangs on her head. She also wore a purple bow around her neck.

Then the other Pokémon started to sit up and have a good old stretch himself, The Pikachu turned around and smiled.

“Good morning Chimchar.”

Chimchar returned the smile, he also looked like most other Chimchar except he had a small scar on his forehead which sort of looked like the letter x, Chloe never asked him about it, His eyes were a very light grey, in fact almost silver.

“Morning Chloe,” He greeted and took a look outside. “Awesome it’s another great day for exploring!” He said enthusiastically.

Chloe giggled at her partner’s excitement.

“Sure is. We better get going before you explode.”

Chimchar blushed slightly, Chloe loved to tease him like this.

“Yeah OK guess we should.”

Chimchar grabbed the treasure bag and checked their supplies.

“Good looks like we've got everything we need.” He said.

Chloe smiled,

“Great lets hurry to the guild and see what jobs we can find.”

Chloe and Chimchar climbed up the steps and started passing through the lush Treasure Town, almost everyone greeted them, Chloe and Chimchar happily greeted back with a wave. They had become rather famous and popular around here but that’s what saving the world twice does to you, everyone in town knows their names even most of the travelling explorers who pass by, in fact a few of them asked for their autographs, Chimchar often joked that they now could be as famous as Dusknoir used to be if not more.

Once they’ve reached the guild Chimchar examined the job bulletin board while Chloe looked over the Outlaw Notice board, there certainly wasn't as many jobs as there used to be, possibly because the world was now mostly back to normal, but luckily for the exploration teams there was still plenty of work to do. Although on rare occasions there was nothing on the boards at all, everyone would take that opportunity to take a day off or explore uncharted territory.


Just then Chloe spotted something interesting.

“Hey Chimchar here’s one, a Nidoking is causing havoc at Blizzard Island the reward is a Zinc band we’ve been needing one of those.”


Chimchar looked pumped.

“OK let’s do this, we haven’t been to Blizzard Island in awhile this will be a great excuse to go.”

And with that Chloe and Chimchar dashed out of the guild and to their left where the dungeons were.

About ten minutes later, just as Sunflora and Bidoof were heading down the guild steps to go on a mission a Pokémon walked towards them.

“Excuse me.” He said, almost as if it burned him terribly to act polite. “But is Team Firestorm here?” Sunflora, as cheery as ever looked in his direction. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, I’m afraid you just missed them, they left to apprehend an outlaw over ten minutes ago.”

The Pokémon looked annoyed by this.

“Any idea when they’ll be back?”

Sunflora and Bidoof shook their heads, then Bidoof spoke up.

“If it’s important you can always wait for them at Sharpedo Bluff, that’s where they live.” Bidoof pointed right. “Just keep going up that way till you reaches the cliff, but you might be in for a long wait, yup yup.”

The Pokémon headed off seemingly forgetting to say thanks, Sunflora and Bidoof shrugged it off and continued on their way.


At Blizzard Island Chloe and Chimchar continued their search for Nidoking. As always, the Island was completely coated in snow and ice; it was also snowing quite heavily, but despite the harsh weather, Chloe and Chimchar pressed on. These two really worked as a team, Chloe did her best to keep any water Pokémon away from Chimchar, while Chimchar did the same with Rock types, as he knew Focus Punch. Chloe then spotted something.

“Over there!” She called to Chimchar, who was just finishing off another Nosepass.

Chimchar glanced over and saw Nidoking threatening a poor Delibird into giving him his Clear Gummi. Chimchar and Chloe rushed to the scene.

“Hold it right there!” Chimchar called out.

The Delibird looked relieved.

“Yay! It’s team Firestorm!”

Nidoking just laughed.

“That’s an Exploration Team? They look ridiculous!”

Chloe smirked, flicking a bit of hair out of her eyes.

“Yeah, we get that a lot”

Nidoking prepared himself. “Well this should be easy.”

Chimchar pretended to sigh.

“Don’t you just hate it when they’re so over confident Chloe?”

Chloe nodded.

“Ohhh yes, it gets soooo annoying.”

Nidoking was now seeing red.

“Ohhhhh you’re in for it now!”

Nidoking charged, aiming his horn at them, but Chimchar and Chloe dove out of the way.

“Ohhh we have a feisty one.” joked Chimchar.

He jumped at Nidoking, and went on a scratching frenzie.

Nidoking got hit a couple of times, but managed to grab Chimchar’s arm, then his claws glowed a sickly purple colour, Nidoking jabbed Chimchar in the stomach making the poor Pokémon fall to his knees. Chloe witness this, and glared at the offender.

“Ohhh you’ll wish you hadn’t done that” She growled.

Chloe charged at Nidoking, who was about to finish Chimchar off and grabbed his tail. Now Nidoking was really fuming, he swiped Chloe off his tail sending her flying. Then he got hit by a wheel of fire, which turned out to be Chimchar.

“Thanks for the breather Chloe!” he called.

Chloe smiled,

“No problem Chimchar.”


Nidoking looked at Chimchar half impressed.

“Not bad kid that actually hurt a little.”

Chimchar smirked,

“Why thank you.”

Then Nidoking charged at Chimchar, horn first, but Chimchar ducked, then his fist glowed white and he punched Nidoking in the nose. Then Chloe, like lightning tackled Nidoking. Nidoking was dazed but managed jab Chloe with his glowing claws, Chimchar tried punch him, but Nidoking was faster and kicked Chimchar twice, knocking the wind out of him, Chloe's tail then glowed a metallic colour and she struck Nidoking's back, He then fell to the ground knocked out.

Chloe smiled, feeling exhausted that was the toughest Pokémon they battled in a while.

“We did it.”

Chimchar nodded.

“Yeah we did.” Then Chimchar winced a little, obviously still feeling those kicks.

“You OK?” asked Chloe, her eyes filled with concern.

Chimchar smiled reassuringly.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Chloe picked up the Clear Gummi and gave it back to Delibird.

“Here you go.” She smiled.

Delibird happily accepted it.

“Thank you”


- - -


Later, after taking the Nidoking to Magnezone, Chloe and Chimchar started heading back to Sharpedo Bluff for a well earned rest.

Chloe stretched her arms in the air. “Man what a day.”

Chimchar nodded.

“Tell me about it ,at least now we can get home and relax a little.”

Chloe agreed.

“Yup sounds like a plan.”


Chloe smiled, she felt really happy. Ever since he found her on the beach, Chimchar was someone Chloe felt the most comfortable with. Everybody else was a good friend to her of course, like: Wigglytuff, Chatot, Bidoof, Sunflora and everyone else in the guild and around Treasure Town. But Chimchar was different, he was always there to cheer her up, his enthusiasm always motivated her. Chloe and Chimchar never seemed to be apart, some residents of Treasure Town even started calling them “The Dynamic Duo.”

Chimchar and Chloe reached Sharpedo Bluff, then they noticed the Pokémon that was talking to Sunflora and Bidoof earlier waiting for them, Chloe was slightly confused.

“Can we help you?” she asked politely.

Chimchar however was as white as a Snover.


“D…Dad?!”

To be continued...



DUN DUN DAHHHHHHH! Ever wondered where your partner's family went? Wonder no more! Will upload next chapter soon. *Very soon*
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  #2    
Old April 28th, 2012 (05:23 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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I'm not an avid fan of PMD, but I can give you a few words of feedback. And I was wondering why there isn't a third member for their exploration team? I find that to be a common trend, and it would seem necessary to save the world, don't ya think? Also, there is a bit of an issue with the saving-the-world-twice scenario. I was wondering the point of that backstory, since it's proven negligible because they couldn't defeat a Nidoking easily. It sounds weird to even bother to say that, and there's nothing wrong starting with a completely new or somewhat experienced team. Think about it like this: it's interesting to read about people rise to the top and save the world, but what's the story after that? If they already accomplished so much, shouldn't their story have ended by now? Personally, I don't like that they're already so well-known and have literally nothing to do, unless they're going to save the world a third time.

There's a recurring grammar issue going around: comma splices. What are they, you ask? They're when you combine two independent clauses by putting a comma in between, which is grammatically incorrect. You can fix them by putting in either a period or a semi-colon in place of the comma. With the period, you create a new sentence. For example:

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
It was a beautiful morning in Treasure Town, many Pokémon were already up getting ready to go exploring or getting their stalls ready in the case of the Kecleon brothers and the others, right at the end of the right hand side of town there was a cliff shaped like a Sharpedo named Sharpedo Bluff, in the hollow centre a Pikachu was just waking up and had a huge stretch.
This lengthy mesh of words is all one sentence. As such, you can make it into more sentences. I bolded 'Town' because the comma afterwards is an example of a comma splice. Be sure to watch out for these later on, since they are very numerous in your story and fixing them would help. It brings a sense of professionalism, if you know what I mean.

Secondly, I bolded 'Kecleon brothers...' because the wording sounds awkward. You could take out, 'and the others,' but then again, I'm not familiar with the Kecleon brothers to begin with. I'm just going to assume they're thieves or something. Either way, you could replace the bolded text with thieves or royalty or whoever they are. It just sounds odd ending a clause that way, though.

Next up, this sentence is a measure of how well you describe things, which unfortunately, has a lot to be desired. In this case, the beautiful morning sounds too generic to provide a good opening description. It asks for more to be done. People think differently, so, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." You might not want to use beautiful, but instead provide some other sort of background, like clear skies accented with wispy clouds. Or maybe there was a mystic fog. I find those beautiful, but you may not. Your descriptions shouldn't be so generic that they're literally open to all interpretation; you want to provide a bit of information to give readers an idea with a description, and then they can fill in the gaps.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
“Good morning Chimchar.”
For some parts of dialogue, you might want to incorporate a comma before a name. It gives a bit of a pause, which is just handy for making the dialogue sound more human.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
“Morning Chloe,” He greeted and took a look outside. “Awesome it’s another great day for exploring!” He said enthusiastically.
There are two things I just don't agree with here. The bolded 'He' should not be capitalized since you've already used a comma in the preceding quotation marks. Secondly, the next bolded segment should really be taken out. You only need to use 'said whoever' when readers need to know who's talking. In this case, we already know who's talking so you don't have to write it again. It's excessive if you do so.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
Chloe giggled at her partner’s excitement.

“Sure is. We better get going before you explode.”
With this bit, I don't agree with this structurally. You do this later on, with an action followed with dialogue on the next line, which is just annoying since it's line to line to line. For formatting, it looks better if the dialogue is right next to the speaker and his/her actions. It prevents a bit of confusion, since you could use a new speaker in the next line instead. Be sure to watch for this.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
They had become rather famous and popular around here but that’s what saving the world twice does to you, everyone in town knows their names even most of the travelling explorers who pass by,
The bolded verb does not agree with the verb-tense, which is past tense. The verb you used is in the present tense. Remember to check for this, otherwise you might confuse people.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
...there certainly wasn't as many jobs as there used to be, possibly because the world was now mostly back to normal, but luckily for the exploration teams there was still plenty of work to do.
'Wasn't' needs to agree with the object 'jobs', so it should be changed to 'weren't'.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
“Excuse me.” He said, almost as if it burned him terribly to act polite. “But is Team Firestorm here?” Sunflora, as cheery as ever looked in his direction. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, I’m afraid you just missed them, they left to apprehend an outlaw over ten minutes ago.”
You have two different speakers within the same paragraph. You need to move the bolded line of dialogue onto the next line to signify that there is a new speaker and the Sunflora is not talking to itself. Unless it is, and you just didn't tell us the Sunflora was actually insane.

Quote originally posted by Ashygirl:
The Pokémon looked annoyed by this.
One more thing before I forget, you do this quite often and resort to 'looked whatever' to describe how they feel. I'd call that rather bland since--like I said above--people could imagine that look to be anything. You might want to resort to other descriptions, like how the Pokemon frowned and glared at the Sunflora. That could tell us it's not very happy with the new information.

Also, your battles are wooden and it was hard to picture the battle. You skipped over the whole exploring part, so we have no idea where they went. And then you jump straight to the battle for the Nidoking. I have a few problems with this. One, a Nidoking-outlaw probably wouldn't just wait for Team Firestorm to come at him. That's just stupid, even if it's a Nidoking. Odds are, the Nidoking would continue its path of destruction and just demolish a path, so they could follow. I find that to make more sense rather than the team crawling through a dungeon of the apparent minions of the Pokemon and they just happen to come across him. Show us the process of how they even find the Nidoking and you might want to characterize it more. This actually applies to most of your characters, since they're just hollow shells as far as I'm concerned.

The battles mean more if the Nidoking has a personality and if the readers can understand its reasoning to even bother destroying things. Unless your villain is literally the Joker, you have no excuse not to come up with a viable reason as to why it's doing crime. It just doesn't make sense. There has to be a motivation, otherwise, the whole battle and such was just to forward your plot, if at all.

Okay, so for your characters, we know nothing about them other than what they wear/how they look. That isn't fleshing out a character. Characters are described by--guess what?--their characters or personalities. Don't resort to physical descriptions to signify why a character is important. You should be telling us how they feel and their personalities. Maybe the Chimchar is afraid of bugs. Or he hates the dark. We don't know, and personalities make your character 'human' or realistic. And that's what characters are; they're realistic personas stuck in a world you threw them in, and you write what you think they might do. You don't know what they might do in a given situation unless you give them a personality, which may develop as the story progresses.

Anyway, just remember to proofread before you post. And I mean really look over your story and actually read through it. What you should be doing when you proofread is deciding what's bad about it, rather than if it's good. You'll find a lot more mistakes that way and you can practically teach yourself that way. If you're not comfortable with something you wrote, change it to something you are comfortable with.

I'm wondering why Chimchar's father is making an appearance, considering that Chimchar saved the world twice, apparently. That's enough to be independent from your parents, wouldn't it? Either way, I wonder why he's there and you end on a slightly annoying cliffhanger. At least the cliffhanger did its job. I'll be sure to follow this as it progresses. Remember, the work you put in is the work you get back. So to improve, work diligently!
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  #3    
Old April 29th, 2012 (02:40 AM). Edited April 29th, 2012 by Ashygirl.
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Ashygirl Ashygirl is offline
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Thanks for the review Psyanic I'll do my best to take everything you said into account. The Kecleon Brothers are one of the shop keepers in Treasure Town yeah proberly should've made that abit clearer, woopsie.

There may not be a third team member but they will have help. (You may wanna familise yourself with the PMD2 story alitte bit so it doesn't get too confusing I'll try to explain thing too, but I don't want my story going too off track if you know what I mean.)

Funnily enough I have everyone's personalities on reference sheets but I'll try harder to follow them. It will be much easier to do with the advice you've given me.

There is a reason that Chimchar's father's here.

Spoiler:
He's the stubbon thinks-he-knows-what's-best-for-his-child-but-actually-doesn't type of father proberly not a good enough reason I know but I can tweek it a notch.


I guess I'll go and do a complete overhaul on the chapters I've written so far, and maybe find a beta-reader so there won't any repeated mistakes. (If you know how to get one it'd be great if you shared it with me.) Thanks again for the advice I'll follow it as best I can. Might take me some time to nail everything but I'll work on it.
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