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  #1    
Old April 22nd, 2012 (11:21 PM). Edited April 22nd, 2012 by ultimaleo.
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CHAPTER ONE - CHAMPION

"Boufallant, Head Charge!" Alder shouted.
I smug smile spread across my lips. I had predicted that. I knew that Alder would use that move, luckily he had prepared.
"Throh, use Revenge," The order came out as a whisper, but even when I was saying it Throh had already started.
Boufallant's head rammed straight into Throh, just then, Throh's fist started to glow and it jammed itself into Boufallant's stomach, sending it flying into the air, like a rocket.
"Now, quickly Brick Break!"
Throh's fist started to glow brightly again, as Boufallant started to hit the ground the fist slammed into Boufallant. Boufallant crashed into a heap, motionless.
"Boufallant is unable to battle, the challenger, Jack is the winner!" The referee announced.
Wonder, amazement an happiness surged through me as he shook hands with Alder.
"Congratulations," Alder said.

The red, magnificent sunset spread across the room, but it did not improve the disappointment in the room.
"WHAT!!! You mean I have to go around attending nearly everything in Unova??!!"
"Yes," came the calm, collected reply.
You know, I could have just left right there and then flew away to another region and ignored this but the raw shock of it just froze me.
"You got to be kidding me," I shook my head in disbelief.
"I know this is hard for you to take in but don't worry, we could arrange a vacation to relief the stress, though you would have to come back," There came the emotionless reply again, seemingly unconcerned.
"Okay, I'll leave right now, just after I pack my things."
"Where will you be going though?"
"I'll travel Unova, that's what Alder did, no?" I opened the door and left.

CHAPTER 2 - LACUNOSA TOWN

"Go Archeops"
A prehistoric bird pokemon said to be the ancestor of all bird pokemon appeared.
"Use fly."
I climbed onto the bird pokemon as it started to fly into the distance. Just as night started to fall, Lacunosa Town appeared in the distance.
"Land"
Archeops started to descend, like a falling feather. The town looked deserted when Archeops landed.
"Anyone here?" I asked the night. "Return Archeops," A red beam absorbed the shaped and sucked it into the poke ball.
"It's not safe out here," a small voice whispered, barely audible. "Come here, to your right," the voice appeared again.
Following the voice I walked to the right. A hand appeared out of nowhere and, like lightning, it struck out to grab my arm and pulled me inside. The hand belonged to a girl with long, blonde hair. The sight was entrancing, making me stare.
"Hello? HELLO!!!"
I snapped out of my imaginary world.
"Oh ummm.... hi?" I said.
"You must be new here, it's dangerous to go outside at night," she scolded.
"Why? What's there to be scared of?"
"Kyurem."
I fished inside my backpack for my pokedex. "Show me information on Kyurem," I told it.
My interest heightened in it as I read the information. My determination ignored the warnings the girl had given me. "I'm going to catch it."

More chapters comings soon! Please review this and tell me my pros/cons to help me improve. Thank you.
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  #2    
Old April 23rd, 2012 (02:28 AM).
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awolfsquared awolfsquared is offline
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Not bad, but you could add more details to the chapters. The writing is pretty good, but you don't really put much into descriptions. This makes it sort of hard to understand what's going. The second part of chapter 1 I didn't get at all. What's the reason behind him having to go around Unova and who is telling him this? That's probably the biggest con is there a bunch of dialogue and little detail. A good story paints a picture and gives the reader a clear idea of what is happening. You don't have to describe every minor bit and piece, but your descriptions should be vivid. Just a few sentences describing an action or scene to me is enough, but there are writers who spend several paragraphs describing on scene, which is excellent. This already sounds like a good story, but it would be much better if you spent more time writing the chapters, they seem short in my opinion.
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Old April 23rd, 2012 (06:06 PM).
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The formatting is funky. First of all, you have two chapters combined into one post, and I'm wonder what was the reasoning behind that. Both chapters are rather short, and usually, they'd be separated into different posts. This goes along with what AWsquared said: you need more vivid descriptions rather than dedicating a single line for an important action. For example, the battle between the protagonist and Alder was wooden. It was a series of commands shouted at Pokemon, and they followed them to the letter and bashed heads until one of them fell over from a concussion. Battles are important in the world of Pokemon, especially the battle in Chapter 1 because it's a Championship battle. At least, it's against Alder and that's important, isn't it?

Think about it like this: in reality, fights don't last very long. If you've ever watched a random fight at school or something, they're all the hype, but they only ever last a minute at best. Or you can look at movies. Take a look at Harry Potter, for instance. In the fifth movie, when Sirius dies, the movie producers milk the moment for every drop. The sound is inaudible with everyone watching horrified in slow motion. Everything is dramatic. Why? Because it's a pivotal scene in both the books and the novel. In real time, Sirius was hit with the Killing Curse and he died. That's it. That would be about three seconds, wouldn't it? But the actual scene was at least a good three minutes. So you really want to elaborate in important fights, whether it be a trainer's first battle, a gym battle, or a championship battle. As long as they're significant, you want to show readers that it is, in fact, important and readers should start paying attention.

Now, for the battle, you have a first person perspective describing attacks, which I find very weird. Obviously, the trainer is experienced enough to face Alder. And when you're experienced in battling and you've practiced these moves hundreds of time, and seen them thousands of times, you wouldn't bother describing it to yourself. A first person narrative is a really interactive way of describing things, since it literally puts readers into the mind of a character. The thing about description is that it's the way a character interacts with a person, place, or thing. It's not about just saying what color something is or the size of the object; that's a wooden description and a bit boring to read. What we, the readers, really want to know is how the trainer sees it. Maybe the trainer was intimidated by Alder's Bouffalant, or maybe he laughed because its afro is ridiculous. You want to describe something from the correct viewpoint.

Here are three descriptions about hair. I have no idea why I chose hair, but it's just easy to describe for some reason. And that's not the point. Sorry for a bit of vulgar language here...

Quote:
1. Her hair was a lustrous chestnut color, curling as it hugged her shoulders.
Quote:
2. Her hair was a shit-brown color, which looked like a dog's crap baked out in the sun for three days.
Quote:
3. Her hair was brown and curly, like those french fries at Arby's.
Okay, so for the first sentence, it gives a nice description, probably about how pretty the girl is. How do we know? Well, the narrator says the hair is nice and shiny, which would mean he/she likes it. For sentence two, the narrator goes off a different connotation, implying that he/she doesn't like the girl they're describing, given the word choice. But for sentence three, the description is a bit bland--except for the second clause--and it just plainly describes her hair. These are all describing the same girl and the same hair, but you take the feelings and emotions completely differently given a few manipulations of words.

It's all about how a character sees them, not how it just plainly is, especially in the first person. So keep that in mind when it comes to describing things.

And one more thing: your emotions were pretty much understatements. It's a bit weird to think like, "I am happy," when you just beat the champion. Wouldn't you be bouncing off the walls and kissing random girls in the audience? (Or guys, if that's your thing.) It's not enough to say a word or two like 'despair' or whatever. Emotions are tricky on paper, and you'll just have to get used to thinking like a character and writing down your thoughts.

Quote originally posted by ultimaleo:
I smug smile spread across my lips. I had predicted that. I knew that Alder would use that move, luckily he had prepared.
Like here, you just say somehow, the protagonist knew Alder was going to do that. But we have no idea why or how he knew. And then you go on to say Alder was well prepared, despite the fact that the protagonist is probably not a psychic and can't read minds. Unless he can, which in that case, you really should keep us informed. Anyway, just show us the character's thought process. There's a lot of things that might have given it away, like how Alder was in desperation and the character noticed sweat beads dripping from his fiery-hairstyle. You just have to tell us how.

Also, I bolded the first two words since you probably want to change "I" into "A".

Phew. Are you still with me? You probably are if you're still reading this. You seem to make character say their actions, just like the games. This shows up when you have the character with an Archeops and he's saying everything he does, like use Fly or return and whatnot. I don't think you say "Open" whenever you open a door, do you? So it's the same thing, just with Pokemon. And such, you wouldn't need to say, "Return" whenever. Just make the character do it. The same thing goes with the referee. As a matter of fact, I never knew why you even needed referees. A Pokemon is fainted and that's that. It's not like you'd need a ref. Any child could tell when a Pokemon won't get back up and fight.

Quote originally posted by ultimaleo:
Wonder, amazement an happiness surged through me as he shook hands with Alder.
Onto the next point. You're misusing some words and misspelling a few, like "Bouffalant" with only one "L". Here, you probably wanted to say "and" instead of "an", and "I" instead of "he". Be sure to proofread before you post so you can catch those things. I just find that it speaks volumes about you as an author if you catch those mistakes beforehand.

Alright, now for the characters. We don't know a lot about the protagonist, other than he's a good battler or something. And even then, I find that his personality is all over the place. In the battle, he seemed extremely calm and collected, but later on, he starts moaning and whining about everything. I think you wanted to portray him as a louder person, so try to show that more in the battle. Like try yelling at his Pokemon to never give up or something. You know, trainers seem to do that a lot. Either way, his personality should be consistent with what you already said before. It's fine if you want an original trainer, but the thing is they also have to be in character.

Also, he seems really brash and stupid since he wants to catch Kyurem for no apparent reason. For one thing, it's a legendary Pokemon and the consequences are inevitable if you could even catch it. The girl there probably would have yelled at him. But I thought it was weird the blonde girl never recognized him, since he is the new Champion and people tend to follow things like that. Her emotions would be more directed towards either extreme attraction or being timid. Either way, make sure you show that she does know he's the Champion, unless she's in an Amish village without TV. In that case, you might want to mention that.

One more thing! Space your paragraphs out like I just typed my lengthy review. Have a single space between them, including the dialogue. It keeps it nice and neat. It wasn't too much of a problem since your chapters were so short, but later on, you really want to take that into account. If it was longer, it would strain my eyes and make things harder to read in a giant block of test, don't ya think?

It's interesting that you started with the Champion battle, which is a good way to captivate readers. However, you just need to work on the reeling in part more, if you know what I mean. There's a lot of improving to be done here, mainly in descriptions. Just try not to make your dialogue wooden as well, and proofread. There's a wonderful Beat Reader Thread here that you might want to check out if you feel that you need someone to help you out in whatever problems you might have, whether it be descriptions, language, or if you just want someone to read over before you post. That's basically what a Beta Reader is anyway.

I'll keep an eye on this story, so keep on shining your story. Jewels need to be polished before they can really sparkle.
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Old April 24th, 2012 (03:00 AM).
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ultimaleo ultimaleo is offline
 
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Okay, I know what you mean but I've just started writing so don't expect me to be the best but yes I'm going to try improve so here it is Chapter 3.

CHAPTER 3 - KYUREM

The night was cold, like an Icy Wind, it caused me to shiver. It was also pitch-black, he would never find Kyurem without a light source.
"Go, Galvantula, use Flash."
A spider-like pokemon appeared. Just then, a a bright light, shining beautifully started to emit from Galvantula's body. It shone a light, showing the way like a torch. Even though the Flash light up the surrounding area, I could see this would be a long night. I would be hard to find the place where Kyurem lived, let alone find it.

After some time I finally find it, but it was hard, very hard. I had to get my Jellicent to use Surf to cross a river, then when I did find the cave, there were heaps of pokemon waiting for me, from the sturdy, metal, psychic type Metagross to the disaster pokemon Absol I fought them all. T

The cave was like a complicated maze. No, not a maze more like a complex labyrinth.
"Kyuuuuu-" came a echoed roar from somewhere deeper in the cave.
I flinched, the roar was strong and intimidating.
"I must be brave, I must be brave," I repeated to myself, giving me courage to face this strong enemy. After facing many twists and turns I reached the end of the cave.
"Kyuuuu!" The roar made my ears burst.
I walked inside, unprepared for what I would face.

Kyurem was frozen... literally. The pokedex stated: It can produce ultra cold air. Its body is frozen. Though it was obvious from the amount of freezing cold air its body produced.
"Kyurem!!!" The roar was surely a challenge.
"Go Emboar," a red light came out from the poke ball, transforming its shape into a burly pokemon with a beard of fire. A light blue beam shot out at top speed from Kyurem's mouth. Ice Beam.
"Emboar, counter it, Flamethrower!" A fiery blaze burst out from Emboar's body heading to the Ice Beam, creating an explosion of smoke and dust.
"Emboar, Brick Break!"
Emboar's fist started to glow brightly as Emboar charged towards it's enemy. Then Emboar seemed to stop like it hit an invisible barrier. Then I noticed the blueish outline on Emboar and realised... Psychic. Emboar was sent crashing into the cave wall, bringing stones crashing into it. After a super effective move "Return, you did well Emboar," I said as the red light appeared from the poke ball to suck the Emboar back in.
"Go Bisharp."
The sword blade pokemon appeared out of his poke ball ready to fight, as always.
"Bisharp Iron Head!"
"This move should finish it, it is super effective after all. And my Emboar put up a fight as well. This is one strong pokemon."
The blade sticking out of Bisharp's head turned into iron just before it slammed into Kyurem.
"Kyy-"
"Go, ultra ball," I said. throwing the ball at Kyurem, hoping it would stay in there. The poke ball opened up, letting Kyurem get out. A light blue orb formed in Kyurem's open, gaping mouth. It then flew straight towards Bisharp, sending it flying into the ground. This was obviously a special Kyurem, it had to be tame at one moment as Kyurem can only learn Focus Blast as a TM. Bisharp returned to its poke ball, only to be replaced by a chandelier looking pokemon with ghostly, purple flame instead of red, on each candle. A barely audible command was issued resulting in an intense, purple, black ball shooting towards Kyurem. It was all or nothing, "Dusk Ball, go!" Wobble, wobble, wobble, click. Silence. I picked up the ball and headed out, smiling with glee.
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  #5    
Old April 29th, 2012 (02:12 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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I changed the thread's prefix from "other" to "Pokemon". (I've been meaning to do that since you posted. No excuse as to why I didn't.)

While I'm here, I could do a small review.

You did make some improvements between the first two chapters and the third one. There's some more description. Still, you have typos that would be easy to catch with a simple proof-reading before posting.

Quote:
Just then, a a bright light,
You don't need two "a" before "bright".

Quote:
I would be hard to find the place where Kyurem lived, let alone find it.
"It would be hard..."

Quote:
Emboar's fist started to glow brightly as Emboar charged towards it's enemy.
"It's" is the contraction of "it is" while "its" is the possessive form. To know which one you need, read the sentence using "it is" where you need the word. Here "Emboar charged towards it is enemy" doesn't make sense, so you need "its".

You also still have cases where you use "he" when you should use "I", like
Quote:
The night was cold, like an Icy Wind, it caused me to shiver. It was also pitch-black, he would never find Kyurem without a light source.
As psyanic said, proof-reading would catch those instances as well.

As for the story, I'm seriously questioning how the main character (does he have a name?) was able to easily capture Kyurem. Although you can catch Kyurem in the games, you should make the world of your fanfic more realistic. Think of consequences for the character since he caught a legendary Pokemon. How will the world react? Or how about nature? Other characters? Plus remember that legendary Pokemon are strong and difficult to capture. It's only with a good amount of luck that someone can catch a legendary Pokemon with two Pokeballs thrown.

As I said, though, you made some improvements. Just keep practicing, and good luck!
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