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  #1    
Old May 11th, 2012, 06:10 PM
Rafael p's Avatar
Rafael p
Kangaskhan
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Gender: Male
This is a Rated Pg 14 Fan Fic because of future violence and Romance..

New Rivals

I woke up at about five o clock in the morning to the sound of my alarm clock. I looked around a little scared before I noticed that it was only my alarm clock. So I went outside and ran into tall grass. While I was there a shiny Pikachu appeared, and electrocuted me. I started crying and ran back home and told my mom. She told me to go catch it, and gave me a Pokémon and a pokeball. So she gave me her happiny and I was like WTF who in the world is going to try and catch a Pokémon with a happiny. She told me to be graceful and I was like “ok”. So I ran outside again and went into tall grass. When I was there the Pikachu attacked me again. So I used my mother’s happiny. My mother had given me a list of the moves it has so I read it. When I saw them her happiny had: Charm, Sweet kiss, Fake tears, and Pound. That was the worst moment of my life. The Pikachu charged at Happiny with a Quick attack and sent Happiny flying into a tree. The happiny didn’t look to good but quickly countered with a Pound attack that barely did any damage. For that moment I hated my mother. The Happiny then kissed the Pikachu with a Sweet Kiss attack which confused itself. The Pikachu then tried to hit me with a Volt tackle but missed due to confusion and hurt himself gravely. So I took my chance and threw the Pokeball but missed. The Pokeball hit a tree and bounced onto the Pikachu’s head. The Pokeball started shaking and then glowed.

“OH YEAH I CAUGHT A PIKACHU” I shouted and went home. I threw the Happiny at my mom’s face. I ran upstairs and went to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. I packed my stuff and decided to go on an adventure. So I went outside and said goodbye, I took first step out of Eve town. I walked around in tall grass until a Spearow appeared and attacked me. I threw the Pokeball into the air and out came my Pikachu whose response was to shock me with its Thundershock attack and all the hair on my neck stood up. I looked at the Pikachu with fire in my eyes and the Pikachu just looked at the Spearow and charged at it with a Volt tackle. The Spearow flew backwards and it was knocked out. I continued up the route until I was stopped by a young male that looked around my age. He was dressed in a black and blue shirt. He also wore blue shoes and black pants. In his eyes I could see that he wanted a battle against me. He has a Riolu, Zorua, and Torchic. We started the battle. He threw up a Pokeball and his Zorua named Raime. I sent out my Pikachu named Sora. I thought that he sent out a Torchic due to Zorua’s illusion ability. He told his “Torchic” to use Dark Pulse. That’s when I saw through the Zorua’s disguise. I told Sora to counter with Electro ball but Raime was just to powerful and sent Sora flying into a rock and went right through it.

" Pikachu get up and use Volt Tackle quickly " I said as it's body was cloaked in a yellow glow and it charged towards Raime and somehow managed to knock it out. The Pikachu fell to the ground as it took some recoil damage. The male slightly smiled and sent out his next Pokemon which happened to be a Riolu. He told the Riolu to use a Force Palm attack on my Pikachu which knocked it out quickly. I looked at my Pikachu and sighed as the boy walked away with the Riolu right next to him.

" Oh yea, by the way my name is Naix and we will meet again " The boy said as he walked away and left me alone with a Pikachu that was knocked out. A gasp came from my mouth as I picked up my pikachu and walked to the Pokemon Center in Noon Town. The nurse looked suprised when she saw the shae that my Pikachu was in. A few seconds later she handed me my Pikachu and I left smiling.

This is all I have so far Hope you like it
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  #2    
Old May 11th, 2012, 06:27 PM
Vato
This Is Our Last Goodbye
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Juarez City, Mexico
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Well, It's looking good so far, here are some flaws (the ones I could see)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p
Journies
*Journeys

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p
five o clock
I think this should be "five o' clock", but I'm not pretty sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p
happiny
Just like we do with people, you must start a Pokemon's name with a capital:
Happiny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p
Oh yea
* yeah

I like your story, but, I don't know, it just seems to progress a little bit too fast, try to go slowly, you can do this describing what's around or how the characters feel and stuff, and also, where exactly is the character? You should add notes about the region where he is and things like that.
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  #3    
Old May 11th, 2012, 07:43 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Because Vato didn't touch on everything, I'll take it upon myself to elaborate on a few things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vato
Just like we do with people, you must start a Pokemon's name with a capital:
Happiny
That's actually up to the author. See, happiny could simply be called the species and is simply a generic name. You don't call your dog Dog do you? You'd probably call him Clifford or something. In that case, you would capitalize it because it's the name. So if Happiny is the name of the Happiny, then yes, they should capitalize it. Even so, it is more of a preference since some people don't see it that way. Just remember that this is more of a personal preference and isn't exactly a rule or anything.

Anyway, as Vato said, your pacing is ridiculously fast. One minute the character is waking up, the next they spot a shiny Pikachu out of nowhere. You really want to explain things and slow things down. Take the time to explain what your character is doing, who they are, and what gender they are, and even their name. (I'm totally assuming your character is a girl since you implied romance and the character met a guy, unless this is going to be yaoi or something.) In any case, there is little interaction with everything and there is little to no description where you should have some. Without it, we can't tell exactly what's going on and can't fully visualize what's happening in the story. Personally, I could barely make out anything about the character, their mother, and even the 'rival.' Their personalities have yet to be shown, which you should note since characters are defined by their personalities. This will become increasingly problematic because the narrative is in first person, and that's a really good way or portraying the viewpoint character, but you have yet to show us anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
I woke up at about five o clock in the morning to the sound of my alarm clock. I looked around a little scared before I noticed that it was only my alarm clock. So I went outside and ran into tall grass.
There are a few things that are weird in these few sentences. Vato already said the time thing, so I won't bother with that. But the narrator gets really loopy here. They repeat alarm clock, when they apparently knew it was the alarm clock, and somehow notice it again. You wouldn't think 'sound of my alarm clock' and not assume it was your alarm clock, would you? Also, the running outside seemed completely random. Why in the world would your character do that in the first place? Think realistically. Your characters should be as human as possible. When you wake up in the morning, do you jump out of bed and run outside into grass?

Also, this goes along with what I said above about the first person perspective. We - the readers - should be able to understand how the character thinks and why they're doing what they're doing. Why? Because the first person literally takes us into the mind of the character and everything they see, hear, touch, and think should be told to us. We need to know this character enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
While I was there a shiny Pikachu appeared, and electrocuted me.
I'm nitpicking here, but why was the Pikachu even shiny in the first place? I'll just warn you right now that your character has huge potential to be a Mary Sue. If you don't know what that is, well, don't worry because I'll tell you. Mary Sues are characters that lack flaws and are perfect in every which way. They have everything go their way. And in the Pokemon fandom, they tend to have shiny Pokemon at random. I'll just warn you here. Tread safely, because the character is already on thin ice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
I started crying and ran back home and told my mom. She told me to go catch it, and gave me a Pokémon and a pokeball. So she gave me her happiny and I was like WTF who in the world is going to try and catch a Pokémon with a happiny.
Again, the mother character isn't very realistic either. Why would she encourage her daughter to go out and catch a random Pokemon that just attacked her? Mothers - and parents in general - are protective of their children, because that's their job. They love their children and subsequently worry for them. Also, I have a bit of an issue with the bolded text. I find that to be... unprofessional in story writing. And I found the character's reaction to be too little. There could have been more dedicated to her thought process and her way of thinking, since we aren't very engaged into her thoughts at all.

Next, you have the catch the shiny Pikachu scene. Of course, this scene is a vital part of your story, and I didn't think it delivered. Remember, this is important. The first catch is a big deal in the Pokemon world, and the whole ordeal should be heavily elaborated. Not with all these descriptions of attacks, but with the character. How might they act in this situation? What's going on in their minds, are they excited, timid, worried? There's more to catching the Pokemon than just throwing Poke Balls and attacking Pokemon. Dedicate more word space to the character rather than dull attack descriptions.

Also, why does the Pikachu know Volt Tackle?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
The happiny didn’t look to good but quickly countered with a Pound attack that barely did any damage.
The bolded text should be changed to "too", because that would demonstrate the adverb, which should be used in this case. And again, the next clause starting with "a Pound attack that . . . " might have been better off by actually describing the attack happening. Engage the readers into the battle, because the narrator isn't really into it, apparently. Besides, how does the narrator know that the attack did negligible damage? Describe it to us, and not just tell us. Show, don't tell. It's more interesting to read about things when they're described rather than just in three words about what happened.

And the subsequent scenes show the pacing to be even faster than before. The mother apparently doesn't care about her daughter, since she let her go off onto a journey within an hour. This raises the question, why start now? Pokemon are everywhere, and she could have caught them before, but why did she wait now to catch a Pokemon? Why in the world did the mother let her daughter go alone? Just because you own a Pokemon doesn't make you obligated to go on a journey. And journeying isn't easy, contrary to what the anime and the games show you. You don't simply pack to travel the world; you'd need to prepare and plan routes to follow to go to specific towns and such, not to mention the registration process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
He has a Riolu, Zorua, and Torchic.
Has is a present tense verb, and is grammatically incorrect in your story because the story itself is in the past tense. Be consistent with the verb tense once you establish it.

And the battle itself was a bit lackluster - there wasn't enough description or even words to prove that this was an important battle, even though it was. Obviously, this is the character's first trainer battle and the narrator tells it as something unimportant. Again, show, don't tell. You wrote down what happened in a series of actions, without any sort of description to slow down the action, which would imply the significance of the event. Battles are a big deal in the world of Pokemon. Hell, many dedicate their lives to Pokemon battling or contests or whatever. Show us how big a deal this battle is. There wasn't much dialogue at all, and I could barely make out how the characters even met. You just randomly throw out that they want to battle each other, without either of them saying a thing. Character interactions are important, and a big part of that is dialogue. That's how characters communicate. Through words, just like how I'm communicating with you. And there was a lot of things we apparently missed, like naming the Pikachu.

I should mention that I found these Pokemon to be ridiculously powerful, despite the narrator to be a neophyte trainer. And her Pikachu already knew a ton of moves, none of which she had to read off a sheet of paper to know what they were. The latter is inconsistent with the previous parts of the story, because she needed to read a sheet of paper to know what moves Happiny knew.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
I said as it's body was cloaked in a yellow glow and it charged towards Raime and somehow managed to knock it out.
Here you should use "its" because that is the possessive form; the form you're using now is the conjunction of "it is."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
The nurse looked suprised when she saw the shae that my Pikachu was in.
It is spelled 'surprised' and you left out the p in 'shape.'

That's all I can muster up, because I'm getting tired. Naix is an interesting name, as well as Raime, and they seem to be interesting characters. At least, that's what I got from the battle anyway. Although you do need to work on explaining things more thoroughly as well as telling readers just what's going on, you can make this story to be a masterpiece. The only setback you have is yourself, but luckily, there's an easy remedy. I would highly suggest that you proofread, not only for typos and mechanics, but for the story as a whole. Read the story out loud and then you can truly determine what parts of the story you liked and disliked. That way, you can edit. If you need help with that, we have a Beta Lounge where you can pick up a Beta Reader who can help you proofread your story before you post it.

I hope that I provided some feedback for you to work with, and I hope to see you continue to write and strive to improve. Good luck!
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  #4    
Old June 7th, 2012, 03:56 AM
Rafael p's Avatar
Rafael p
Kangaskhan
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Gender: Male
Mmkay thanks for the critisizm.. XD I will try to get another part up that is hopefully better. XD and there will be more characters other than Naix and Rafael.. Who is a Male...
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Old June 12th, 2012, 04:05 AM
Rafael p's Avatar
Rafael p
Kangaskhan
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Gender: Male
Chapter 2: New friends

It was then that I noticed something different about this town. I looked around slowly and saw that it was almost completely empty. That is with the exceptions of the Pokémon Center and an extremely large tower. I looked at the tower for a few seconds and walked towards it until a creepy fog surrounded me. My light blue eyes slightly scanned the fog and saw that it was a Pokémon. I looked at the only Pokeball I had and threw it up revealing my Pikachu. “Pikachu use your Volt tackle attack” Was what I said and the Pikachu obeyed. It was suddenly surrounded by a veil of electricity and it charged towards the Pokémon. Sora hit it and made it fly backwards onto the ground. It suddenly got up and licked my Pikachu in the face. Sora looked scared and couldn’t move. Pikachu looked at the Ghost type Pokémon that had paralyzed him. Sora had a look of revenge on his face and decided to use Thundershock on the Ghost Pokémon making it weaker. The Ghost was shocked and used the Lick attack again nearly knocking out Sora. I smiled slightly. “Pikachu use Electro Ball attack” The Pikachu smiled and nodded. It ran towards the Ghost at high speed as a yellow ball of electricity grew on its tail. It did a little front flip and released the ball of electricity on the Ghost knocking it out. I pulled out a Pokeball and threw it at the Pokémon forcing it into the Pokeball. The ball shook a few times then glowed signaling that I had caught it. I smiled and held the Pokeball in the air and walked to the Pokémon Center and asked the nurse to heal the Pokémon and she agreed. After the Pokémon were healed I left the Pokémon Center and walked towards the tower. When I had entered it I was greeted by a familiar face. “Hi Rafael remember me,” The female figure had said. I nodded my head yeah and said her name which was Natalie. She smiled at me and then offered me a race to the top of the tower which I had accepted. I started to sprint up to the top of the tower but Natalie was always one step ahead of me that was at least until she had fell. I looked at her and felt bad so I helped her up and to the top of the tower. I of course had a little help from my Pikachu and the Ghost Pokémon that was a Gastly. Her Misdreavus also helped us bring her to the top of the tower. When we got to the top we sat on the edge of the tower and looked out to the rest of the region. From here we saw our hometown, the next route and even the extremely large Pokémon League. That was when I decided that I wanted to go on a Journey collecting badges. “Natalie will you stay here because I won’t, I want to go on an adventure collecting badges and eventually defeat the Champion.” I asked her and her response was a simple answer. “No I want to go an adventure also and become better than you” She had told me before turning around smiling at me. I smiled also and noticed that the fog from earlier was dying down. My light blue eyes could now clearly see the next route. “Do you need help getting to the bottom of the tower” I asked her and she shook her head no and her blonde hair swayed in the wind. I started to leave and looked back smiling. “I look forward to battling you real soon” Was all I said before I left the tower.
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