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  #1    
Old May 23rd, 2012, 03:24 AM
yuki3056's Avatar
yuki3056
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Johto
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Summary: The start of a young boy's journey through the world of Pokemon. This is his quest to find his identity as he was born into a famous family and is painfully and absolutely ordinary. Team Rocket has formed a new initiative in this future of the current game/anime world and their plan is to harness the power of the legendary Pokemon to accomplish this task. A new group has also emerged and will be introduced later in the story, are they to be trusted?

Author's Note: I know that OT Fics are frowned upon by a lot of people but this is just the first in a series I am planning and it will have some nice little twists here and there. There will be a nice mix of existing and original characters in this series. I took a few creative liberties with some characters so if I altered your favorite character in anyway I am sorry! Also I am not the best writer in the world and I acknowledge that if anything feels weak to the reader or if I made a mistake (there will be a lot trust me) or if you have ANY critiques at all feel free to share them I love constructive criticism but please be gentle. I am new to fanfiction I have dabbled before but this is the culmination of all that dabbling and should be a fun ride. I hope you all stick around for it! Also if you would like a character in the story or a cameo at all PM me and I WILL find a place for you/them as some parts of the story are not fully fleshed out as of yet (mainly in the sequels the Kanto saga is pretty much just ready to be fully written). Enjoy this and please leave a review of it as this project can only get better.

Genre: Adventure, OT

Rating: T for now not sure so just to be safe


Now without further ado the story!



==========================================================


“The Pokemon world is full of many mysteries and intrepid people determined to delve deep into these mysteries. These people range from hopeful young Pokemon trainers to skilled gym leaders to powerful elite four members to world-renowned professors to stylish and hip Pokemon coordinators and so many more. There also exist evil people in this world as in any world that aim to harness the power of the mysterious legendary Pokemon to realize their own nefarious plans. Many have heard the legends and believe them to all be a myth, some people however, do not see these stories as myths and are determined to protect the delicate balance of the world that these legendary Pokemon have preserved for many years.”


CHAPTER 1

An alarm clock blared and violently penetrated the ears of a young boy trying to cling to the last few precious seconds of sleep. With a yelp he rolled over abruptly and tumbled off his bed onto the hard floor of his room causing his sleeping Growlithe to jump and yip in surprise.

“Sorry buddy! I guess I just wasn’t ready to wake up yet.” He laughed nervously seeing the displeased look on his pet’s face. The Growlithe simply turned its back on the boy and laid back down on its bed to return to sleep. The young boy just shook his head and walked out of his room and wandered down the hall to the bathroom.

After a nice long shower the boy was drying his long messy brown hair while staring into the mirror not really thinking anything. As he brushed his teeth his mind drifted into glorious daydreams about the life ahead of him. Today was no ordinary day for this boy as it was finally his time to become the next in his family’s proud history of Pokemon trainers. Today was the first day since he turned the magic age of 10 that Professor Oak would be giving out “starter Pokemon” to rookie trainers. He was more than excited as he ran his hand through his hair and decided that was good enough without a comb and bolted out the door of the bathroom.

He was Yuki, the son of world-famous Ash Ketchum and Kanto Gym Leader Misty (now) Ketchum. Not only did he have that to live up to, but his older brothers (two of them) had both become famous Pokemon trainers already. He was painfully ordinary when it came to… Anything, in his opinion, he was never the smartest or the most athletic kid in school. He wasn’t even stunningly attractive, he was plain looking, he had dull brown eyes and dark brown hair, he was average in height and he was cursed with bad eyesight he had worn glasses for as long as he could remember. Confidence was never his strong suit he always preferred to keep to himself whenever possible because, he was worried about being compared to his father, mother, or worse his brothers. Being shy didn’t prevent him from making friends however, he still struggled to sort the ones who liked him from the ones who just wanted to get a chance to meet Ash Ketchum through him.

Yuki pulled on a pair of dark jeans and a black t-shirt deciding on a journey it was better to just dress comfortably as opposed to fashionably. He pulled on some plain white sneakers tying them slowly as he glanced around his messy room smiling fondly but with a hint of sadness. As a final touch to his outfit he put a necklace around his neck on it was a lightning bolt charm that his best friend had given him on his 10th birthday as a good luck charm for his journey. Picking up a black backpack full of supplies and some extra clothing he’d need for his journey he sighed and left the room pausing only to give Growlithe time to scamper out.

Walking down the only too familiar squeaky stairs of his house he stopped and took the time to look at each photo carefully placed on the wall. He knew he’d miss his parents and this house. Then Growlithe brushed past him running for the kitchen and the smell of breakfast snapping him out of his daze. He slowly walked into the kitchen to find his mother and father sitting at the table already eating what could only be described as the most immaculate breakfast Yuki had ever seen. He was about to point out this was out of the ordinary before he was hugged tightly by an overly excited Mr. Mime.

Laughing and pushing the Mr. Mime off himself he said, “Hey dude! You and Grandma must have whipped all this up!” The Mr. Mime nodded enthusiastically and led him to his place at the table so he could eat.

“Now just because they are here doesn’t mean I didn’t cook!” His mother said looking a little offended. Ash tried (unsuccessfully) to stifle a laugh earning him a glare from Misty.

“I am not saying you can’t cook Mom… Well actually, you can’t cook Mom.” Yuki said with a big grin, not able to contain himself Ash roared with laughter and mustering whatever dignity she could Misty took a large bite of a pancake and turned her attention to the newspaper, “The Kanto Times”, and tuned them out as she was accustomed to doing.

Delia Ketchum entered the room shaking her head smiling at them, “You are all just alike you know that?” She sat down with them after hugging her youngest grandson and they all ate slowly laughing and joking together while enjoying Delia’s amazing cooking as Mr. Mime threw a ball for Growlithe in an unsuccessful attempt to stop him from begging.

Ash cleared his throat glancing up at the clock, “So Yuki have you put any thought into your first Pokemon yet?” The women stopped their conversation about the latest Pokemon clothing to listen to this conversation as they were all curious.

“Well I was thinking of going with Charmander because your Charizard was always such a reliable Pokemon.” Yuki said nervously, this choice had been haunting him for about a month now as the date drew closer and closer.

“I think Squirtle is the only real choice for you honey.” Misty interjected, every time one of her sons became a trainer she had hoped one of them would have decided to be a water Pokemon master like she was. To her dismay none of them had so far and Yuki was her youngest child.

Another reason he had been so hesitant about his choice is because he knew everyone wanted him to pick something different it was becoming very confusing for him at this point.

“PIKA-PIIII!” The yellow electric Pokemon, Pikachu, had been quiet up to this point sitting in a booster seat at the table next to Ash.

“Pikachu buddy I would choose a Pikachu but that was a special thing because dad could never be on time anywhere.” Yuki explained shooting a grin at his dad.

“Well son just pick what your heart tells you ok?” Ash said. Misty nodded her agreement secretly trying to convince herself it was his choice and if he chose not to be a water Pokemon master she’d support his decision.

When breakfast was finished and Delia made a move to do the dishes Mr. Mime stopped her and pointed to the door indicating she should go with Yuki and the others to the ceremony and he’d do the dishes and watch after Growlithe. Sighing in defeat as she knew it was pointless to argue with Mr. Mime she followed the others out the door and they set off for the famous Oak Laboratory.
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  #2    
Old May 25th, 2012, 04:51 AM
yuki3056's Avatar
yuki3056
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Johto
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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CHAPTER 2



Yuki walked behind his family in contemplative silence today was the day that he was going to have to finally make his decision on what Pokemon would be his very first one and he’d have to face his parents after making the decision. The only Pokemon he hadn’t even given consideration to was Bulbasaur. As he walked he smiled to himself remembering when he was little he would run around in the fields behind Oak’s Lab playing with all of his fathers beloved Pokemon. Bulbasaur was always the reserved silent guardian to the young Pokemon at the lab and while he trusted Yuki he never liked him to get to close to the young Pokemon as it was duty to protect them. Yuki chuckled silently as he remembered one instance where his fathers Heracross had started to suck sap out of Bulbasaurs bulb while Bulbasaur stood in a silent attempt to retain his dignity after having just fussed at a hyper Mankey for getting to close to a young Skitty.

As they walked Ash glanced back and Yuki and thought to himself that his youngest son was finally going to embark on his journey. He was sad at the thought but he soon snapped out of this as he knew Yuki was the one son of his that could become a Pokemon Master. His eldest son had settled into a job as a gym leader somewhere far away after conquering the Kanto League. He had been bursting with pride as his son had accepted that trophy and the invitation to the Elite Four Challenge. His son had lost in his battle against Lance but he had been a long bout and it was about as close as a Pokemon battle could get. His middle son had made it a bit farther, he not only conquered the Kanto League but he was also crowned champion of the Johto League a vacancy that had opened up after Lance retired and held a tournament to fill both champion roles he had occupied. For now the two roles were held by different people, for a long time Johto had campaigned to have its own Elite Four and finally Ash, the Pokemon Master, got Lance to agree to the deal as long as they waited until he no longer held the posts. Lance was never defeated as a champion. Ash had battled him on one occasion, during the Masters Showcase. The Masters Showcase was held at the request of Lance and it was to crown the true Pokemon Master and the winner was to assume the role of heading all things Pokemon. Ash had won the tournament and shortly after he proposed to Misty and moved back to his hometown of Pallet in Kanto. Ash had to give up adventuring after taking the role of Pokemon Master and starting a family. He still couldn’t believe some days that he woke up every day and went to an office and actually worked. Of all his sons however, he saw the most potential in Yuki.

Misty glanced over at Ash as they drew closer to the lab and just thought to herself what a journey it had been for them to get to this point. She had ran the Cerulean City gym for quiet some time after Ash had left her to go be… Well Ash. Shortly before he was invited to the first ever Master Showcase he had called up Misty and asked her to accompany him to all the banquets and ceremonies as his plus one. He had told her she was his oldest friend and there is no way he could have made it as far as he did had she never “lent” him her bike. The day he proposed to her was the first time she ever saw Ash Ketchum be a romantic. He had invited her over to Oaks Lab to celebrate him being crowned Pokemon Master. When she arrived at his house all dressed up to be escorted there Ash and all of their old friends and his Pokemon were gathered together and Ash walked over to her and told her to shut her eyes. When he told her to open them he was standing there propping up a bike that looked just like the old one and he then proposed to her in front of everyone. She smiled to herself lost in memories of her boys growing up and becoming men. Yuki was her youngest so he was her baby of course and she couldn’t stand the thought of him finally being old enough to venture out on his own. She had secretly always hoped for a daughter and when she was pregnant with Yuki she had told Ash no more after him, that this was it no matter what. Ash had agreed with her and they had never went back on that promise. She had always wondered if she tried again what the baby might have been but then again she knew she could never replace her 3 boys. Smiling to herself she thought, “Make that my FOUR boys.”

Delia Ketchum was getting old, she knew this, Ash knew this, heck EVERYONE knew this. She was not exactly jumping for joy at the thought of this but she knew that this was the last one of these ceremonies she’d probably ever see. She was always Ash’s biggest fan through the years and of course she was her grandson’s biggest fans to this day but she still couldn’t shake the sadness at the thought of Yuki being the last one she’d actually get to cheer for.

“Well look at that guys we are almost here and we are going to be EARLY.” Delia said shooting a look at Ash.

Ash embarrassed rubbed his head and just laughed, “Well son your journey is definitely starting out much better than mine is!” Pikachu nodded in agreement at this sentiment.

Pikachu was never a fan of Yuki’s older brothers they had always taken after the wild side of Ash and were too rough with the aging electric Pokemon. Yuki on the other hand had always treated Pikachu with some kind of respect owing to the fact he was the Pokemon Master’s first and most trusted Pokemon. Pikachu had been Yuki’s training partner for years. Yuki had insisted on perfecting the basics a year in advance to his journey so he could hit the road running. Pikachu had loved every minute of working with the youngster and it did him a lot of good working out like that too. Pikachu was a little nervous for Yuki hoping that his first Pokemon liked him a lot more than Pikachu himself had liked Ash to begin with.

The party stopped at the foot of the winding staircase that led up to the world-famous Oak’s Lab staring up at it before ascending the staircase. It was a party-like atmosphere outside of the front doors as everyone in Pallet Town was waiting for the ceremony to begin they had heard rumors that the last of the Ketchum sons would be getting his first Pokemon today and the Master himself would be speaking at the ceremony for the first time.

Inside Professor Gary Oak was standing in the trademark white lab coat staring outside his window at the gathering crowd smiling to himself thinking this would be a ceremony to remember for more than one reason. He spotted Ash in the crowd and that gave him confidence. This would be the first ceremony without Professor Samuel Oak. He had given the reins to Gary Oak around the time of the Masters Showcase. Earlier that year his grandfather finally passed and it was going to be a hard ceremony for everyone involved. It was a day of great joy but also one of great sadness. These kids were the last of the kids from Pallet Town. It was the birthplace of many great trainers but the fact was it’s era of greatness was ending, the economy was only getting worse and the residence were aging and the only draw to the town was Oak’s Lab, while a landmark it wasn’t something that made you decide to start a family there. It was also a tribute to the life of one of the greatest Pokemon researches of all time. Gary allowed one tear to slip down his face before wiping it away, “I have to be strong, if not for myself, for Ash he took this death as hard as I did.”

Outside Ash had led Yuki to the stage that had been set up overnight and standing around were 3 other young kids around Yuki’s age, “These are the rest of the trainers starting out, there are 4 this year! It is the first time this has happened since I went on my journey!” Ash exclaimed pointing them out to his son. “I will leave you to get acquainted with them son.” Ash wandered off into the crowd after this to find his lifelong friend and rival, Gary Oak.

The group consisted of two other boys and one girl who stepped forward immediately and extended her hand out to Yuki, “Hi there my name is Sarah Summers and you are?”

Yuki had been staring at the crowd scanning it for familiar faces and when he turned to see who was talking to him he did a double take, standing in front of him was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life. She was a little shorter than he was and had long curly black hair with shocking green eyes she was wearing a cute pink skirt with a light blue jacket over a yellow shirt. Yuki held out his hand and noticed it was shaking a little before he calmed himself down and grasped hers shaking it, “H-hi I am Yuki Ketchum…”

She cut Yuki off mid-stammer and practically squealed, “Omigosh you are Ash Ketchum’s son and the first one of the others I introduce myself to happens to be you how crazy is this?!”

Yuki was very embarrassed by this and the other two guys looked like they were practically melting with jealously over her show of affection for him. Yuki walked over to them trying to divert some of the attention to them. He knew one of them already. His best friend growing up, Grant Oak, the son of Gary Oak. He resembled Gary Oak so much it was almost scary, they were practically identical except Grant had blue hair, a trait he got from his mother. The other boy he had seen once or twice at town events but never socialized with.

The other boy stepped forward he was much taller than the rest of them and more muscular than Grant and Yuki combined, “My name is Bruce… Last name doesn’t matter, I am going to beat all of you understood? I am going to be the best trainer to come out Pallet since Ash Ketchum himself!”

The other three stood in a shocked silence he was so confident and sure of himself. Yuki stepped forward, “Well I hope you live up to that because it will be an honor to battle you one day.” He extended his hand hoping it was a show of kindness, Bruce took it as an insult.

“Look just because you have “Champion lineage” doesn’t mean you are better than me please don’t talk down to us lesser beings…” Bruce turned and ignored them.

Grant, who was always a little more hot-headed than Yuki, stepped forward to say something to Bruce but Yuki placed a hand on his shoulder shaking his head. “Just leave it.” Grant did with a sigh of defeat.

Sarah made it a point to stand next to Yuki when they were escorted onto the stage and introduced to a loudly cheering crowd. “Here they are Pallet Town’s future stars!” The event host was a local T.V. celebrity and full of cheer, “I thought it may be fun to have them all say a little something to us about what they hope to accomplish on their journeys!” The crowd roared its approval of this idea and the event host led Bruce to the podium to speak as the crowd fell silent.

“Hello, I am Bruce and my goal is to crush everyone and anyone on my way to the top and I plan on being the best trainer to ever come out of Pallet!” The crowd roared loudly at this loving the audacity of this young behemoth of a boy.

“Alright-y next up we have a lovely young lady!” The host said quickly flustered by the tone of the young man.

“Hi everyone I am Sarah Summers and… I just want to see the world and all it has to offer a gal like myself!” The crowd clapped and wolf-whistled for her but her reception wasn’t quiet as enthusiastic as the one for Bruce.

“My name is Grant Oak and one day I hope I can contribute something to our knowledge of Pokemon like the Oak family is known for!” The crowd stomped and cheered for the young man loving that he pointed out how significant Pallet’s second most famous family was to the world.

Yuki approached the podium and nervously spoke into it, “Hi I am Yuki Ketchum and… I just wanted to say… Bruce it will be hard for you to be the best… Because I will be.” The crowd was stunned for a moment before it absolutely erupted in the loudest cheer yet.

Yuki slowly walked back to his spot his head reeling, he had no idea where that had come from he was never the type to have delusions of grandeur but for some reason in that moment he felt he had to say it. Bruce was staring at him a shocked look on his face but it had a hint of something else… Respect.

The event host told a few more jokes and had the crowd pumped before calling them to a silence to introduce Ash Ketchum, “Without further ado youuuuurrrr Pokemon Master, ASH KETCHUM!!!!” The crowd cheered and whistled some more before calming down.

“I am here to speak today on behalf of not the Pokemon League, but of Pallet Town. This town is where I grew up, it is where I met Pikachu it is where I live now and have raised a family. It is where I always hope to live. Today I am not here to talk about myself, I am here to talk about what today means. Today we celebrate the pride of Pallet. Today we send them off on their individual journeys to find their calling in life. Some say a person’s Pokemon journey is a rite of passage. I believe it is more than that. I believe it defines who we are inside, and while some never embark on this journey, or some don’t make it as far as others, I can say everyone’s journey impacts more than just themselves. I learned a lot from Professor Samuel Oak. His journey through life taught us all something about life, love, and as he’d have us believe, most importantly Pokemon. Samuel Oak was an eccentric man, but he was a brilliant man and he impacted everyone’s life in some way. Most of all he changed the world a little bit every day. He was the true pride of Pallet. He set up base here of all places and so many times growing up I marveled at how blessed I was to live here near him. He was more than my coach through my journey. He was like a father to me. He is missed by all of us dearly and I think that most of us can appreciate that he lived his life to the fullest he would want today to be a celebration like this not all of us standing around making sappy speeches and crying. So it is my great pleasure and honor to introduce to you our very own Professor Gary Oak!” The crowd clapped and cheered most having to wipe there teary eyes first.

Gary walked out onto the stage and embraced Ash patting his back before walking up to the podium, “Well today I could make a speech like Ash just did, or I could just talk business with you guys. I decided that I would do a little of both. I just want to say, these kids may be the last we will have for now but, Pallet Town will always be home to the Oak Laboratory and I would never dream of moving it as rumor had it a few months back. Now for those of you that can count you will notice we have 4 trainers this year and it is standard procedure to offer 3 starter Pokemon…” The crowd began muttering and whispering to each other wondering now what they would do about this as most were to caught up into the festivities to notice such a thing.

Gary cleared his throat and gave them time to quiet down, “Well I took it upon myself to find a suitable fourth Pokemon, so without further ado I will show off what Pokemon the kids will be picking from!” The crowd cheered and were all anxious to know just what Pokemon Gary had selected for the fourth one.

Gary pulled 4 Pokeballs from one of his coat pockets and laid them out on the podium. He selected one and gave it a little toss and out came a blue turtle Pokemon, Squirtle, turning to the crowd Squirtle shot a few bubbles and did what appeared to be a dance move, much to the crowds delight. The next Pokeball contained an orange lizard Pokemon with a flaming tail, Charmander, for the crowd he shot out some small flames and swirled his tail around sending of some sparks, the crowd applauded and whistled as Charmander was always a crowd favorite. The third ball contained a green dinosaur Pokemon with a bulb on its back, Bulbasaur, seeing the large crowd he appeared to get awfully nervous just stared at them, the crowd politely applauded him and waited with bated breath for the final Pokemon to be revealed. Gary, not being able to resist took his time fondling the Pokeball making it normal size he even wiped it with his coattail before tossing it. A small brown fox-like Pokemon came out, Eevee, and turned giving a cute smile and wink to the crowd, they crowd exploded with cheers and awwws could be heard from many of the gathered audience.

“Now they make their selections…” Gary announced with flourish.




Authors Note: I know I know I am making you wait yet another chapter before you see who Yuki will choose. I didn’t get a whole lot of response to my first chapter so I am a bit disappointed but I understand. So remember I am always open to constructive criticism and ideas I don’t have many people to share this with so I need you guys. I do not have a beta reader for this story as of yet and I am self editing which always leads to mistakes. Also the only time I can write is very early morning so mistakes are bound to happen. Also sorry if this chapter was boring I felt I needed to set the framework early for you guys about what the state of everything is. If it felt draggy I am sorry I tried to make it slightly more interesting with shifting viewpoints. That is something I have never tried actually so it was a fun writing exercise. This is only my first story so it will be rough I hope you stick with it but I am not going to beg you to stay. This story is done in theory I just have to write it now. I wrote the outline for the whole first “saga” and it was one page. Don’t worry I have a few twists planned for this series currently there are “7” sagas planned which is tentative so it will not just be the 5 regions over and over. Also I need a boatload of characters for the next saga which is now in planning stages (have to know where I am heading) feel free to submit characters rather they be from stories you wrote, cameos, to just plain old fashions OC’s I want them all! Thanks for reading!
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  #3    
Old May 26th, 2012, 06:51 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
It's an interesting premise with you going towards Ash and Misty's family. I found a fic similar to this and I enjoyed it, so we'll see how this one turns out.

First and foremost, I noticed you put in spaces at the beginning of each paragraph because I put your post in a quote box. You don't really need to waste your precious time indenting as they don't even show up in forums like this one. A minor issue, but I thought I should point it out.

And time for some nitpicks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Yuki walked behind his family in contemplative silence today was the day that he was going to have to finally make his decision on what Pokemon would be his very first one and he’d have to face his parents after making the decision.
At the bolded "today", that would start an independent clause, which is grammatically incorrect considering that the preceding clause is also independent, meaning they could both stand as their own sentences. These two clauses should be separated by either a semi-colon ( or a period. As for the last bolded clause, I thought it was weird how you put that in. I know it helps show Yuki's thoughts, but it seems out of place in the context of the paragraph. Not to mention that his parents probably wouldn't care too much about what Pokemon he chooses. That's just how Ash and Misty are. Remember to take into account of Ash and Misty's personalities. Just because they got older doesn't mean they completely changed. They'd be similar to as they were as kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
As he walked he smiled to himself remembering when he was little he would run around in the fields behind Oak’s Lab playing with all of his fathers beloved Pokemon.
"Fathers" should be changed to "father's" because it's a possessive noun in this sentence. As for the "to himself", it's almost excessive because we already know he wouldn't be smiling to anyone else in particular. I think you do this later on, so you might want to look over for this again. Watch for the possessive nouns.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Bulbasaur was always the reserved silent guardian to the young Pokemon at the lab and while he trusted Yuki he never liked him to get to close to the young Pokemon as it was duty to protect them.
The bolded "to" should be a "too" since it's the submodifier form. In other words, you're using it as an adverb. Also, the wording of this sentence was a bit awkward, especially towards the end. You mention Bulbasaur not wanting to get close to Yuki, but then you say "to get close too the young Pokemon" when Pokemon should be Yuki. Or the pronouns just got really confusing since both Yuki and Bulbasaur are dudes. In that case, you might want to clarify.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
As they walked Ash glanced back and Yuki and thought to himself that his youngest son was finally going to embark on his journey.
I'm pretty sure the "and" was supposed to be an "at." Also, why is Ash just thinking to himself about his son? Give readers something more interesting and just dive into Ash's worries and pride and hope and whatever else he's thinking, which you end up doing in the next sentence. Don't waste word space by adding in pointless sentences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
His son had lost in his battle against Lance but he had been a long bout...
Usually you don't describe people as a bout, so you wouldn't use "been" in this sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
His middle son had made it a bit farther, he not only conquered the Kanto League but he was also
Nothing's wrong with farther except the punctuation that follows. Again, it's the whole comma-splice ordeal where you have two independent clauses joined by a comma. In addition, the next sentence utilizes "not only... but also" except you didn't even use it. You might want to shift the "also" next to the "but" (yes, tee-hee) and take out the "he." That would make the two clauses verb clauses and that would help the flow of the story. What is the flow of a story you ask?

The flow of a story is basically how well someone could read your story by being completely immersed into it. And I'll use my favorite analogy: Think of your story as a dream. When you dream, you don't even realize you're dreaming. In fact, you're almost always dreaming when you're asleep. You just don't realize it, until you wake up in the middle of a dream. That's how you remember them, anyway. Your writing should be like a dream where people can read your story without even realizing they're reading. Or they do, and are just too interested to care. Your words have to flow evenly is what I'm trying to get at. When your wording is awkward that's like waking up from a dream. People realize it and they'll wonder why they want to stop. So yeah, flow is important.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Ash had battled him on one occasion, during the Masters Showcase.
Again, the possessive noun thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
He still couldn’t believe some days that he woke up every day and went to an office and actually worked.
As you worded this sentence right now, Ash can't believe that he wakes up every day. Yeah, that's funny, but not something you were trying to get at. You should probably take that part out.

And I can't help but wonder why he feels Yuki has the most potential. Sure, Yuki's the youngest and he's practically obligated to be the Master to succeed Ash, but still. I'd like some more reasoning. Maybe Yuki secretly trains Pokemon in their backyard, except Ash knows about it and doesn't mind. Or Yuki studies Pokemon and watches Pokemon battles to get a feel for battles early on. Just tell the readers something and give a reason.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Misty glanced over at Ash
Opening two paragraphs with the same verb, just different nouns, is excessive and you should really change it. Spice up your wording a bit. Don't stick to the same old same old. And this makes the story 'noticeable' like when we talked about the flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
She had ran the Cerulean City gym for quiet some time...
Quiet time! But seriously, you probably meant "quite" instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
...to accompany him to all the banquets and ceremonies as his plus one.
This is me being extremely picky, but I've never heard the term "plus one" used in place of "date." You can do whatever with this, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
The day he proposed to her was the first time she ever saw Ash Ketchum be a romantic.
So right now, you're writing in Misty's viewpoint. And since this is Misty's viewpoint, why is she thinking of her husband as "Ash Ketchum" instead of just "Ash"? I don't usually think of people with their full names.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
When she arrived at his house all dressed up to be escorted there Ash and all of their old friends and his Pokemon were gathered together and Ash walked over to her and told her to shut her eyes.
This sentence was seriously wordy. This could have been broken up into a paragraph, maybe. Or at least into more sentences. Avoid making sentences like these too long. There are way too many things happening.

Next, you jump into Delia's viewpoint. It's weird jumping into about four views in the span of... four paragraphs. To me, it sounds dysfunctional and the flow almost seems broken, mainly because the paragraphs don't even outline the plot or hold much relevance – they only provide background information. Sure, some of that information might be fun to read because we want to know what happened with our canon characters. But they're like fun facts and we don't need to know them. We would only need to know that a) Ash is a Pokemon Master, because that would provide some interesting character development for Yuki as he would be pressured to succeed, and b) Ash and Misty are married and they have three kids.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
“Well look at that guys we are almost here and we are going to be EARLY.” Delia said shooting a look at Ash.
Nothing wrong with Delia. Actually, there's something iffy about the period in the quotation marks. Delia starts a new sentence, since it could stand on its own. Typically, you want to incorporate a comma instead of the period in the quotation since Delia actually says it.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Pikachu was a little nervous for Yuki hoping that his first Pokemon liked him a lot more than Pikachu himself had liked Ash to begin with.
Ah, I just had a flashback about the first Pokemon episode... Oh the memories. Anyway, I bolded that part because it sounded, again, awkward. It almost sounds too wordy, because you could have done something about, "Pikachu hoped Yuki's first Pokemon..." and so on. What you do is up to you.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Inside Professor Gary Oak
Inside is an introductory word, and after introductory words you use a comma. Otherwise, the sentence becomes something totally off. Think about it. Inside Professor Oak.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
It was the birthplace of many great trainers but the fact was it’s era of greatness was ending,
"It's" is a conjunction for "it is", so you wouldn't use that form in this sentence. You would use "its" because that is its possessive form. (See what I did there?)

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Outside Ash had led Yuki to the stage that had been set up overnight and standing around were 3 other
I'm pretty sure the standard rule is that you type out small numbers. And by small numbers, I mean numbers ten and under. Over that, it's all ambiguous. But three is a small number, so you should type that out.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
The group consisted of two other boys and one girl who stepped forward immediately and extended her hand out to Yuki, “Hi there my name is Sarah Summers and you are?”
This girl must live under a rock. Why wouldn't she know the Ketchum boys? They're celebrities by the looks of it! They should be easily recognized by the public. It makes no sense if she doesn't know him.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
She was a little shorter than he was and had long curly black hair with shocking green eyes she was wearing a cute pink skirt with a light blue jacket over a yellow shirt.
Oh look, appearances. You don't want to dedicate too many words to characters' appearances. You remember characters by their personalities and their developments, if they have any. What they're wearing or what color their eyes are are pretty much negligible and readers don't care. And this is especially the case when you talk about clothing. What Sarah is wearing isn't even memorable. You want to describe her by how she acts, and this is the case with all characters. The only time you really should describe a character's appearance is when they have some odd or distinguishing feature, like a glass eye or a third ear.

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Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
Grant did with a sigh of defeat.
Weird. It wasn't like he was even defeated in the first place.

I can't say I agree with the festivities. I mean, it's just some new trainers. New trainers pop up all the time. All you need is a Pokemon and a license, which you can easily obtain from your local Pokemon Center. It's not a big deal. Oh, Ash's youngest son is going, but so what? It's just another kid when you get right down to it. Unless Yuki discovered the cure to AIDS or graduated from college at age ten, he's just another pretty face. I know the anime somehow begs to differ, but I never entirely agreed with that either. And besides, most of the crowd in the anime was just Gary's entourage.

You go on to describe the Pokemon, and again, I don't think you should have done that. Remember, this is a Pokemon forum, and everyone should be able to recognize these Pokemon by their names. This goes along with what I've said about characters' appearances. Unless the Charmander is missing an arm, it's just a generic Charmander and shouldn't be described any more. What you do want to do is describe its character, if at all. The same goes with the rest of the Pokemon.

The relevance of this chapter is really bugging me. A lot of new fanfiction authors write OT fics starting at the very beginning, when in actuality, you want to start where the story starts. So unless the plot begins when Yuki gets his Pokemon, this chapter is pretty much unnecessary. If readers could skip over this chapter and read the rest of the story, understanding the whole plot, then this chapter was basically pointless. It's almost like a waste of time, both for you and the readers. You want to keep readers interested, and readers are interested in the plot, mainly. Write what's important and start where your story starts. The same goes for the first chapter, since it's just Yuki waking up. And seriously, it's just him waking up. For me, it was boring. And I can't tell you how many fics start out with new trainers picking their Pokemon, when really, their story starts at the first gym. So start where your story starts, whether it's the Elite Four or Yuki's first battle against a Pidgey that stole his backpack.

So if you're still with me on this review (which you probably are, since you're reading this right now) I hope this helped out out a bit. Remember to proofread for pretty much everything, whether it's basic mechanics or checking the flow. One thing that helps with proofreading is reading out loud. When you hear it in your own voice, you might realize some things just don't sound right.
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Old May 26th, 2012, 08:11 PM
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And psyanic said most of what I could say.

I do agree with him that this read rather on the slow side. I understand wanting to set up the characters and their world, but what you did was on the info-dumping side. Like instead of having the opening four paragraphs of chapter two where Yuki and his family are thinking about their history, have them talk about it. For example, instead of Ash thinking about himself becoming a Master, have him make a comment about it to his son. You get out part of the history and have a chance for more character development by having two characters interact.

That's what I would have wanted to see more of: character interaction. I liked when the four new trainers were talking to one another, because I could begin to get a sense of their characterization in the way they interacted with whom. If you do that more often, readers will get a sense that Yuki is shy or that Bruce is boastful without you having to tell us that.

It's the same with the rest of the characterization. Like psyanic said, how do Ash and Misty believe that Yuki has the most potential? Is it just because he's the youngest? (This is reminding me of Card genectics.) Or did he do something to prove it to them? Like how he treats Pikachu compared to how his brothers treated the Pokemon. Was that a sign to them?

If you need some extra help with anything, put in an application at the Beta Thread. A beta can help with any questions you have about writing. If you have any questions before you find a beta, feel free to ask me and I'll help you out the best I can.

Because this looks to be interesting. I like stories about the children of famous people (I have one planned myself), so I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. As I told you, just keep writing.
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Old May 26th, 2012, 08:31 PM
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Wow I knew that I had made some mistakes but it really did help having a second set of eyes thank you! And as for some of the story nitpicks, a lot of the things were just me sorting it out for myself. The reason I described what she was wearing and no one else is because she stood out to Yuki most and correct me if I am wrong but when I see a girl that I find absolutely beautiful as opposed to some guy I don't know and my best friend I tend to linger on her a bit more. The shifting viewpoint didn't come off how I wanted it to, and the reason Ash believes in Yuki's potential is a point I address later. The reason Sarah didn't know Yuki by sight is revealed at another point and if you notice she did at least know who the Ketchum's were (be weird if she didn't). As for the festivities I tried to convey that it is desperate times in Pallet and people tend to celebrate things more... Passionately than they would under normal circumstances. I need to rewrite some of these sentences as they lost all meaning due to my mistakes (thank you Psyanic) and I started with the selection ceremony because I found it a good way to introduce the plot Chapter 3 is much less boring in my opinion as compared to 1 and 2 I found them boring but, I stick to them. I think I covered everything I wanted to say in this post. Oh wait the whole inside Gary thing cracked me up because I reminded of oh so many terrible Gary Oak memes. Wait one more thing I forgot about facing his parents. There is a quirk with Yuki that I hope will be explained through reading about him, it hasn't really been shown much just yet.

On a side note I really did like my fic torn down like this I saw my weaknesses already and now I can work on them thank you again so much for the wonderful review Psyanic.

Astinus - Yes I also really liked the 4 newbies interacting the most so far it is fun to have my own set of trainers to work with as their personalities are completely my own. The whole reason the Ketchum's didn't have a conversation is because it is a bit hard to explain but growing my family was like this when big events were happening we all kept to our own thoughts not much talking ever happened. I guess as a writer I should try to focus on other family dynamics but, for this fic being my first I am trying to keep myself close to Yuki if that makes sense. Anyways thank you for reading and I am glad I touched on a subject you like I always wondered watching the anime what kind of pressure would his kids be under one day. It is fun to compare them to famous athletes or stars children because, I feel that's how it would be.

To anyone who is just reading and keeping silent thank you for reading!
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Old May 27th, 2012, 12:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yuki3056 View Post
The reason I described what she was wearing and no one else is because she stood out to Yuki most and correct me if I am wrong but when I see a girl that I find absolutely beautiful as opposed to some guy I don't know and my best friend I tend to linger on her a bit more.
While that does hold some truth, you don't go so far as to check out every little bit of clothing she's wearing. It doesn't add to the story in any way, nor does it add to Sarah's personality. A better way would be if you could incorporate her character with her style, if you're intent on describing her appearance. Clothing isn't even important, though. And besides, readers picture what your characters look like based on what they do and how other characters interact with them. As a writer, you might want to give some description to give the readers a direction to help visualize what a character looks like. But the rest, well, the readers fill in the gaps. When you start to pour a paragraph just for a character's appearance, it becomes a bit forced and nearly wrecks the flow. For a general rule of thumb, a few details every few pages: good. More than a paragraph at one time: bad.
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